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  • buffalos3@webtv.net
    Every Day I receive e mails from sailors that are deployed all over the world. This is amazing when I think back to the Vietnam Era and the sometime 21 day
    Message 1 of 20 , Jun 1, 2001
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      Every Day I receive e mails from sailors that are deployed all
      over the world. This is amazing when I think back to the Vietnam
      Era and the sometime 21 day wait to get mail from home. Mail
      was fairly fast as long as you were close to a friendly port where
      the COD , Carrier Onboard Delivery , airplane could pick it up.
      Then it was dependent on room . A COD is a small airplane and
      replacement personnel and emergency parts had priority. Other
      times the plane didn't make it to the ship and the mail was weighted
      so that it would sink to prevent falling into unfriendly hands so
      goodbye mail. One of my friends had flown back from emergency
      leave to the ship and about ten miles out they had been forced to
      ditch and wait for a rescue chopper to pick them up but it too
      had lost power and a second chopper picked them up. When he
      reached his discharge date he extended three months so that he
      would be in port. He wanted nothing to do with a flight from a
      carrier.
      So to my military readers and others all over the world waiting
      for the chips please enjoy and have a great weekend.



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      Infantry Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      An Infantry General was visiting troops in Europe. Since he was
      a General Officer, and thus very important, he was given a
      chopper with a warrant officer to fly it to ferry him from unit
      to unit. They had been visiting units most of the day and the
      General came back to the chopper only to see the engine torn
      apart and the warrant deep in the inner workings of the chopper.
      The general asked the warrant what was wrong and the warrant,
      as warrants do, launched into an extremely complex and detailed
      technical explanation of exactly what was wrong with the engine.
      The general listened to him for a couple of minutes and then said
      "Stop! Now Chief, you're paid for your technical expertise and
      skill, and its obvious you have that, but the other thing you need
      to do is to be able to communicate to others what's wrong in
      terms they can understand. Now what I want you to do is to tell
      me what's wrong with that chopper in words I can understand."
      The warrant thought for a moment and then got a big grin on his
      face. "OK General", he said, "I think I can do that." Then the
      warrant officer turned around, pointed at the helicopter, and
      grunted "UGH, BROKE!"




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      Vase Chips From Ellie
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      One day, Doug was playing ball in the house, which was strictly
      against the rules, and he accidentally broke a vase in the living
      room. "Oh, no, my mom's gonna kill me!", he thought desperately. He
      frantically tried to fix it, any way he could. But tape, glue, even
      Superglue wouldn't hold all the shards together. He finally left the
      pieces in a pile on the table, and went to hide in his room.

      Soon, his mother came home, and he heard her calling him. "Doug, do
      you know who broke my vase? It's in here all in pieces!"

      Doug tried to drum up his courage, but at the last minute, he found
      himself answering, "No, Mom, I don't know."

      He cringed, waiting for her answer. "That's funny," she said,
      appearing at his door. "I wanted to thank whoever it was. I've hated
      that thing for years!"

      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      Toon Chips
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      Slip Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


      A criminal court judge receives a calling
      from God. He gives up the bench to become
      a priest. After his training he is assigned
      to a church where he proves his dedication.

      One day one of his fellow priests saw him
      sitting in a pew with a very worried and
      nervous look. Wondering what was wrong,
      he approached the new priest and could
      easily he was distraught. The older priest
      sat down next to the new one and asked what
      was wrong.

      "Well" the first priest said, "have you ever
      heard of a Freudian slip?"

      "No," said the other.

      "Well" said the first, "it's when one slips
      and says something one is thinking usually
      when it is the least opportune time."

      "Oh," said the third, "so, what happened."

      "Well, today I performed a wedding and you
      know the part when you say 'I now pronounce
      you man and wife'?" asked the first.

      "Yes?" said the second.

      "Well that is what I meant to say, and what
      I actually said was, 'I now sentence you to
      death.'"




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      Winter Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      The Indians asked their Chief in autumn if the
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      "Yes", the man replied, "it's going to be a very
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      Two weeks later he calls the National Weather
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      "Absolutely, we made a study " the weather man replies,
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      Johnny answered, "I was the only one who could
      answer a question."

      "Oh, really? What was the question?" his mother
      asked.

      "Who threw the eraser at the teacher?"




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      Moving Chips
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      Parting Chips
      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

      A woman from New York was getting her affairs in order. She prepared
      her
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      As part of these arraignments she met with her rabbi to talk about
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      She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be
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      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    • buffalos3@webtv.net
      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch The Sault Locks Festival is set to begin next week and for an
      Message 2 of 20 , Jun 22, 2001
      • 0 Attachment
        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
        name is Buffalo and I have the watch

        The Sault Locks Festival is set to begin next week and for
        an inexpensive but fun-filled week we would like to invite
        you to see our town.
        http://soolocksfestival.com/2001events.html
        We have one sight you won't see often anymore , Regular gas
        below 1.50 a gallon. and it has been that way for weeks because
        of a price war.
        Here's a memory for you . Can you remember the first time you
        pumped your own gas? How about the first time gas went over
        a quarter? I have seen so many different types of pumps in
        thirty years and so many different ways to operate them . The
        latest ones with the credit card slots built in seem to confuse
        the most people and I have seen a few cases of pump rage from
        those that haven't noticed the method of payment buttons prior
        to trying to pump gas. I suppose the next innovation will be direct
        deposit of your paycheck to the major oil company of your choice .

        I hope you enjoy the chips and there are only five days left to the
        summer sales spectacular.

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
        Groaner Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        There's nothing quite as dangerous as a big city after midnight
        because
        that's the time for anyone who's up to no good to do their no good
        deeds. That's just what the old man who ran the liquor store on the
        corner of Fifth and McPhee found out one foggy night in November.
        The only customer in his
        all-nighter suddenly hauled on a pair of panty hose (over his head)
        and
        plucked a mean-looking firearm from somewhere within the confines of a
        long, black trenchcoat.
        ''Okay old man,'' he
        threatened in a gravelly voice which was obviously disguised, ''hand
        over all the cash." The old man nervously turned a key and the cash
        register's door popped open to reveal stacks of twenties, tens and
        fives. The robber's eyes almost bulged through the padded crotch as
        they
        registered his good fortune. Quite a haul for a little corner store.
        The
        old man's hands shook as he began to remove the money.
        "C'mon ... c'mon, get a
        move on. I haven't got time to stand here and socialize. And don't go
        pushing any alarms either, I have problems with premature trigger
        finger." He gave the gun a little shake just to drive the point home.
        The old man was just
        putting the last few bills in a shopping bag when the robber grabbed
        it
        and pointed the gun right in his face. Then he blurted out something
        very strange.
        "Hocus Pocus Winter
        Breeze If you tell on me Your tongue will freeze."
        Then he blew something
        that looked like very fine glittery confetti in the old man's eyes and
        ran out the door.
        The old man was
        dumbfounded. What the hell was all that about? Another wacko loose in
        the city. So what else is new? At least he was still alive.
        The police arrived about
        ten minutes later. They poked around a bit, asked a few questions,
        took
        some pictures, dusted for prints and pretty well guaranteed him there
        was little chance of recovering the money.
        Then he told them about
        the odd thing the son of a bitch said just before he ran off. "Pointed
        the gun right up my nose and blurted out some weird rhyme.''
        This got their
        attention.
        ''Sounds like the same
        guy. That makes four robberies this week. Same pattern in all four.
        Guy'd come in, pull his gun, grab the cash and yell out some crackpot
        verse just before he took off."
        His partner nodded in
        agreement. "You're right about that. We have to catch this guy before
        he
        goes completely around the bend and ends up shooting someone.''
        "You know,'' said his
        partner, ''I've been doing some thinking about this one. I think we
        can
        save ourselves some trouble if we look for a magician, one who's
        already
        done time.''
        "Oh, and what makes you
        think that?"
        ''Just look at what he
        says before he runs off. 'Hocus pocus, abracadabra, bubble, bubble,
        toil
        and trouble.' Magic stuff. I may be wrong, but he sounds an awful lot
        like a hex-con to me." (By Terry Morrison)


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        Mercedes Test Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        1. Before changing lanes you should:
        (A) signal.
        (B) check.
        (C) both a & b.
        (D) just swing into the lane without doing either a or b.

        2. The top light on a traffic signal is:
        (A) red.
        (B) yellow.
        (C) green.
        (D) Who cares, it doesn't apply to me anyway.

        3. The speed limit in a residential area is:
        (A) 35 MPH.
        (B) 25 MPH.
        (C) 45 MPH.
        (D) I paid $65,000 for this car, I'll drive as fast as I want.

        4. In California, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you should:
        (A) slow to a walking pace.
        (B) go around the block.
        (C) stop.
        (D) speed up and honk your horn.

        5. In the other 49 states, when a pedestrian enters a cross walk, you
        should:
        (A) maintain your speed.
        (B) slow a little.
        (C) slow a lot.
        (D) speed up and don't bother honking your horn.

        6. Your may make a left turn from the right lane:
        (A) never.
        (B) when there is a left turn arrow.
        (C) on Sunday at 2 A.M.
        (D) When ever you damn well feel like it.

        7. When a school bus has flashing red lights, you:
        (A) must stop.
        (B) may pass on the left after checking.
        (C) may pass after slowing to 5 MPH.
        (D) use your car phone to order Chinese food while passing on the
        left.

        8. When you hear an emergency vehicle siren, you should:
        (A) pull to the right and stop.
        (B) pull into the nearest car wash.
        (C) roll down your windows.
        (D) turn up the radio and ignore it.

        9. You may make a U-turn in front of a fire station:
        (A) never.
        (B) when the doors are closed.
        (C) if there are no police around.
        (D) when you have missed your turn.

        10. When approaching a traffic light where cars are stopped, you
        should:
        (A) relax.
        (B) watch the signal.
        (C) stop a safe distance back from the car in front.
        (D) call your wife/secretary on your car phone so everyone can
        see that
        you have a car phone.

        11. When turning onto a side street, you should signal:
        (A) two blocks before turning.
        (B) two car lengths before turning.
        (C) two miles before turning.
        (D) what for, if the guy behind me hits me, I'll sue him.

        12. A U-turn in a business district is legal:
        (A) only at an intersection.
        (B) always.
        (C) never.
        (D) if I pass a sale at the jewelers.

        13. Parking in a red-zone is permitted:
        (A) never.
        (B) on Sunday.
        (C) if there is a fire hydrant.
        (D) when I'll only be there for five minutes.

        14. What is your annual gross income:
        (A) $10,000-20,000.
        (B) $20,000-40,000.
        (C) $40,000-80,000.
        (D) $80,000 and up.

        Scoring

        If you answered 'd' on every question, you have a perfect
        score. You are certified to drive a Mercedes Benz
        Automobile. You may, at your discretion, proceed to your
        nearest Mercedes Benz authorized distributor and select
        the Mercedes Benz Automobile of your choice.

        If you answered a, b, or c on two or fewer questions,
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        your retest.

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Little Johnny Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        Tie Chips
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        At a clearance sale, the wife of a federal district court judge found
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        The judge showed it to a local FBI agent, who was equally suspicious
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        Two weeks later, the judge phoned the Washington office to learn the
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        told
        him,
        "but we discovered that when you press it, it plays 'Jingle Bells.'"


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        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The suave Central American diplomat was talking to the prim and proper
        Washington hostess. "In my country," he said, "the most popular of
        all
        activities is making love."

        Shocked, the wide-eyed hostess said, "Oh!! Isn't that revolting!"

        "No," the diplomat said. "That's our second favorite activity."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        "Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're
        carrying
        around?" the doctor asked the patient.

        "I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an
        overactive thyroid."

        "The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor
        said. "If
        anything is overactive, it's your fork."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Short Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        The old man had died. A wonderful funeral was in progress and the
        country
        preacher talked at length of the good traits of the deceased, what an
        honest
        man he was, and what a loving husband and kind father he was.

        Finally, the widow leaned over and whispered to one of her
        children, "Go up
        there and take a look in the coffin and see if that's your pa."

        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



        I don't think I'll ever have a mother's intuition. My sister left me
        alone
        in a restaurant with my 10-month-old nephew. I said, "What do I do
        if he cries?"

        She said, "Give him some vegetables."

        It turns out that jalapeno is not his favorite.



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Church Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Our old friend Gladys attended church services one particular Sunday.
        The
        sermon seemed to go on forever, and many in the congregation fell
        asleep.

        After the service, to be social, she walked up to a very sleepy
        looking
        gentleman, in an attempt to revive him from his stupor, extended her
        hand in
        greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."

        To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        Parting Chips
        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        A new forestry graduate receives his first 5-year posting way
        out in the middle of huge forest with no people around for miles.
        Much to his surprise, included in the survival gear that they give
        him, is a recipe for matzo balls.

        When he asks why he's receiving a matzo ball recipe, he is told,
        "Sometime, a few years down the road when the solitude *really*
        starts to get to you, you'll pull out this matzo ball recipe and
        start to mix it together. "Within five minutes you'll have a half
        a dozen Jewish women hovering over you telling you what you're
        doing wrong!"



        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

        From The Buffalos Mailbag

        Chris Writes

        In response to:
        "( Visions of doorbell ringing and Mormons on doorstep with a
        vat of root beer and Bibles fill my mind :-).)"

        Mormons have their own book called the Book of Mormon.
        They occasionally use the Bible but they regard it as
        inferior to their Book of Mormon.
        As far as the root beer goes, I thought they would prefer
        a couple different types of pop. After all they aren't
        satisfied with just one wife. :-)
        A Pastor from Iowa

        ( The Mormons ceased that practice many years ago because no
        man deserves more than one mother-in-law)


        Kesac Writes

        A+W was started by Mormons. It was the original fast food
        franchise. They
        have the book of Mormon, and not the bible. The Marriott chain was
        started,
        when the Marriots could not get permission for their franchise in
        Washington
        D.C. to serve coffee in the winter months.
        At least that is the story. I don't know if it is true, but I think
        it is a
        good story.

        ( Make a note not to pick on Mormons, use Amish instead , at least
        they don't have computers)

        Christine Writes

        Ah, yes, those were the days.

        My once small home town in California had an A&W. It
        was the great after-school and weekend hang out for
        all of us in the early 60's. Great root beer, great
        hamburgers!!

        I lived in Lodi, CA for a while, where the business
        began. It is still there.

        The Earl Of Bodfish writes
        A&Ws definately were the best. Wish I still had the mugs, particularly
        the miniatures the size of a shot glass.
        I made home brew in the 60s (not great but inexpensive and about 6-8%,
        cost about .06 a qt.
        Also made rootbeer with Hires extract, water,sugar, and yeast ..was a
        lot better than my home brew,creamy head, good carbonation and great
        flavour. Since the reaction between sugar and yeast produces
        carbonation and alcohol I wonder what the percentage of alcohol or
        proof was.
        My kids got a little giggly.

        (Earl we have a lot of people looking for a recipe, preferably one
        that
        boils off the alchohol heh heh 151 Root Beer)

        Larry Writes

        Iron city (or "Arn City" as it is pronounced in Pittsburgh) is still
        very
        much alive and well. There is still a brewery in the city and they
        are
        still kicking out frosty brews. Also we tend to just call it IC (or
        IC
        light).

        Frank Writes

        In Fridays mail, one of the letters mentioned home brewed root beer
        but failed to provide a recipe. Anyone have a recipe to share?

        As a kid we made sassafras tea by boiling roots of the plant but it
        was too bitter even a lot of sugar.

        Carol Writes
        Hi Buffalo,
        Can a crazy Aussie join your A& W debate?
        We are not so familiar here with root beer, but always
        had"spiders" Any
        flavour soft drink, especially coke, over ice-cream. But I was
        disappointed with Alistair Boyd of Glasgow, surely he must have as
        a
        wean, had his Irn Bru, known as Scotland's OTHER national drink.
        I'm
        told its great over ice cream too.

        Dianne writes
        My first transistor radio
        came via my uncle Jack, in August, ME, in 1959. With ear plug, too...
        just about got me tossed out of class during the world series. guess
        I was a
        little excited about the game and not the class.
        Memories, this generation:-)
      • buffalos3@webtv.net
        Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch Well midnight approaches and it looks like I made it
        Message 3 of 20 , Jul 13, 2001
        • 0 Attachment
          Clean Clean


          Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
          name is Buffalo and I have the watch

          Well midnight approaches and it looks like I made it through
          Friday the 13th unscathed. Judging by the flood of calls on
          the scanner there were many that were not that lucky or
          maybe the police were luckier today. In addition to the usual
          fireworks, loud parties, and big bonfire calls the police have
          been getting a lot of help lately from motorists with cellular
          phones. Drunk and reckless drivers are being removed from
          the streets by citizens with cellular phones and they have no idea
          how they got caught. For example, two people in a purple IROC
          Z that decided to park on a busy street about 6 P.M. and smoke a
          joint . Acting on citizen's calls the police had them stopped about
          10 minutes later. I hope that any readers who have engaged in
          risky driving habits in the past realize the chances get better every
          day that you will be caught and they don't have internet access in
          the local jails .

          Enjoy the chips and drive sober everyone.




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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Blonde Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          A blonde named Barbara is appearing on Who Wants To Be A
          Millionaire...

          Regis: "Barbara, you've done very well so far - $500,000 and one
          lifeline left -- phone a friend. The next question will give you the
          first ever Million dollars if you get it right ... but if you get it
          wrong you will drop back to $32,000 -- are you ready?"

          Barbara: "Sure I'll have a go"

          Regis: "Which of the following birds does not build it's own nest? Is
          it........

          A-Robin
          B-Sparrow
          C-Cuckoo
          D-Thrush.

          "Remember Barbara its worth 1 Million dollars.

          Barbara: " I think I know who it........ but I'm not 100%....No, I
          haven't got a clue. I'd like to phone a friend Regis just to be sure.

          Regis: "Yes, who, Barbara, do you want to phone?

          Barbara: "I'll phone my friend Carol back home in Brooklyn." (ringing)

          Carol (also a blonde): "Hello..."

          Regis: "Hello Carol, its Regis Philbin here from Who Wants to be a
          Millionaire-I have Barbara here and she is doing really well on
          $500,000, but needs your help to to a Million. The next voice you hear
          will be Barbara's and she'll read you the question. There are 4
          possible answers and 1 correct answer and you have 30 seconds to
          answer -- fire away Barbara."

          Barbara: "Carol, which of the following birds does not build it's own
          nest?

          Is it:
          A-Robin
          B-Sparrow
          C-Cuckoo
          D-Thrush

          Carol: "Oh Gees, Barbara that's simple.....Its a Cuckoo.

          Barbara: "You think?"

          Carol: "I'm sure."

          Barbara: " Thanks Carol." (hangs up)

          Regis: "Well, do you want to stick on $500,000 or play on for the
          Million, Barbara?"

          Barbara: "I want to play, I'll go with C-Cuckoo

          Regis: "Is that your final answer?"

          Barbara: "It is."

          Regis: "Are you confident?"

          Barbara: "Yes fairly, Carol's a sound bet."

          Regis: "Barbara.....you had $500,000 and you said C-Cuckoo

          ...you're right! - You have just won ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Here is your
          check. You have been a great contestant and a real gambler. Audience
          please put your hands together for Barbara."

          (clapping)

          That night Barbara calls round to Carol and brings her down to a local
          bar for a celebration drink and, as they are sipping their Champagne,
          Barbara turns to Carol and asks "Tell me Carol, How in God's name did
          you know that it was the Cuckoo that does not build its own nest?

          Carol: "Listen Barbara, everybody knows that a Cuckoo lives in a
          clock."



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          Short Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          A guy was driving down a deserted road when he accidentally
          hit a pig. Nobody saw him do it so he kept on driving. A little
          ways on a policeman stopped the car. "I'm arresting you for
          leaving the scene of an accident".
          "How did you know?" the man asked.
          "The pig squealed, sir."

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          I was in Las Vegas a short while ago, and had a
          very amusing experience. While getting gas, two young
          women in a convertible pulled in. They pulled up next
          to us and asked us where the light houses were.

          "Lighthouses?" I asked. "Yes lighthouses. We are
          new to Las Vegas and just can't seem to find them"
          The driver replied.

          Curious, and knowing that Las Vegas is no where near
          the ocean, I asked "Why are you looking for lighthouses?"
          "Oh, there are so many good paying jobs for lighthouses
          here in the paper. But most want you to appear in person"
          the passenger answered while pointing to several ads.

          I stopped pumping my gas and walked over to see
          the ad. You can imagine their disappointment when I read
          the ads and explained that it was for "light house keeping".


          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Toon Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Parrot Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store
          manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The
          manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird
          has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that
          would fit most occasions."

          The guy bought the bird and took it home.

          Next day, the guy was back in the petstore to complain. The
          bird hadn't said a word.

          The pet store manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not
          buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with
          while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more
          comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The
          man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

          Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking,
          huh?" asked the manager. "Well, perhaps a birdbath would
          do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase
          made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

          And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to
          complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time
          the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know,
          sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and
          allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really
          wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the
          bell.

          Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the
          pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was
          upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the
          first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that,
          no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick
          the bird into thinking he had company.

          You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the
          store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What
          happened! Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet store
          owner.

          "Yep. Right before he died it said, 'What's the matter? Don't
          they sell birdseed at the pet store any more?'"

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          Job Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          My Uncle Joe got fired from his construction job. I asked him what
          happened.
          "You know what a foreman is?" he asked. "The one who stands around and
          watches the other men work?"
          "What's that got to do with it?" I asked. "Well, he just got jealous
          of
          me," Uncle Joe explained. "Everyone thought I was the foreman."

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          Driving Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          A young woman was doing some business at Marshall University and
          parked
          in an area clearly marked "No parking."
          After taking care of business, she returned to her car to find a
          campus
          security guard writing her a ticket.
          "Why are you giving me a ticket?" she asked. "You're not allowed to
          park
          here," the guard said. "See that sign? It says 'Fine for Parking
          Here.'"
          "Well," said the violator, "I thought it was a fine place to park."
          The
          guard began to laugh. The more he thought about it, the harder he
          laughed.
          He tore up the ticket and waved the woman on her way.

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          LynnLynn's Links



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          Short Chips
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          Cassie was a really good mom. When her children were growing up, her
          one son gave her more "stop and count to 10" periods. After her small
          son fell into
          the pond and came home with his good school clothes dripping wet, the
          exasperated Cassie sent him to his room while she washed and dried
          his
          clothes.

          A little later, Cassie heard a commotion in the back yard. She called
          out
          "Are you out there wetting your pants again?"
          There was dead silence for a moment. Then a deep masculine voice
          answered meekly, "No, ma'am, I'm just reading the meter."

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          I have this friend who always seemed to lean
          slightly to the left all the time.

          It used to bother me, so I suggested he see a
          doctor, and have his
          legs checked out. For years, he refused... told me I
          was crazy.

          But last week, he finally went, and sure enough, the
          doctor
          discovered his left leg was 1/4" shorter than his
          right.

          A quick bit of orthopedic surgery later, he was
          cured, and both legs
          are exactly the same length now, and he no longer
          leans.

          "So," I said, "You didn't believe me when I told you
          a doctor could fix your leg."

          He just looked at me and said, ... "I stand
          corrected."


          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Golf Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Jack was first up in his foursome. Eyeing the ball, he swung his club
          and hooked his shot over the fence and down a road where the ball
          crashed through the windshield of an oncoming car. The startled driver
          lost control of his vehicle, and it spun into a parking lot and
          bounced
          off three cars.
          Jack raced over to the crash scene and was relieved to find that no
          one
          was hurt. Almost immediately a policeman arrived and spotted Jack
          standing next to the crashed car eyeing his ball. "Just what are you
          going to do about this?" demanded the policeman.
          Jack looked up. "Well, the first thing I'm going to do is change my
          grip."

          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Parting Chips
          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


          Anti Stress Kit

          This is your Anti-Stress kit. I hope that these items will
          help you to relax and enjoy your life more.

          Rubber Band: To remind you to stretch your new ideas
          and your mind to new limits so you will continue to grow
          and reach your potential.

          Tissue: To remind you to see the tears and needs of
          others, including those of yourself and your peers.

          Candy Kiss: To remind you that everyone needs a hug,
          kiss, or a word of encouragement every day.

          Life Saver: To remind you to think of your peers as your
          "life savers." Care about each other and help each other
          through the stressful times that occur in life.

          Penny: To remind you the value of your thoughts - BIG
          ones and little ones! Share them with others.

          Eraser: To remind you that we all make mistakes and
          with an eraser they can be erased, as can our human
          mistakes be overcome.

          Toothpick: To remind you to "pick out" the good qualities
          in others and yourself and to be tolerant and accepting of
          the differences of others.

          Paper Clip: It's important to "keep it all together." Find
          the balance in your physical, professional, and spiritual
          life. Explore the resources and programs available to
          you in the community.


          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
          From The Buffalos Mail Box


          I too remember the old A & W stands as we had one here I Bloomington
          and it was a regular hang out for the teens and as well as families.
          My father could dowse and it could be done with either a branch ,
          which had to be green and a certain shape or i have seen him use a
          coat hanger it depended on what he was dowsing for , water or water
          lines like sewer or such. the branch of a willow worked best as their
          roots are so deep as they will seek water in the driest places.
          My back yard is full of the lighting bugs and they were a source of
          entertainment growing up as a child just to catch and put in a jar or
          to mash for the glowing part, there used to be a place that would pay
          for them years ago but you had to collect them by the hundreds and
          ship them to the company . Love your humor and stories keep up the
          good work , but don't sink the ship .
          Jim


          Hi Buffalo..

          Thanks for the Memories :)
          Just wanted to thank Donald & Bob Bastian for taking time to find the
          info
          on The Happy Gang...Thanks very much appreciated..

          Speaking of being bad in school :)..Went to a one room school house
          when i
          started to attend school..
          Having a strict upbringing i was kind of shy, so i in particular was
          to
          scared to do or say anything that may provoke a strapping, cause we
          would
          definately get it again when we got home..:)
          "We were all kind of naive"..a few of the other boys and girles had a
          bit
          more nerve..Our teacher would always have gum in her coat pocket..On
          any
          given day one of the boys would sneek in the clokeroom as it was
          called back
          then, and swipe a stick of gum.One day in particular the boy in
          question
          came outside with an object we had never seen :) well most of us
          didn't know
          what it was then anyway."A Condom". They filled it with water and
          threw it
          at the girles..
          Needless to say the teacher never brought up the subject as to who
          was
          raiding her pockets..
          When we were bussed to a school in town things were quite different,
          but the
          memories i have of the "Good Ol Days at the little old schoolhouse in
          the
          country are pricless..Thanks for letting me share the memories..

          Fyne from Ontario


          I was going to let it pass and not relate my experiences as the class
          clown and terror of my teachers of my junior and senior high class,
          but
          I don't want you to feel you were the only one!
          I am not proud of what I did...of course I was then but we learn as we
          mature! I think it was wanting to be a leader or noticed or get the
          attention or popular because I did get noticed. Especially the day my
          Father had to come to school to get me signed back into class. I had
          gotten sent to the Supers office the 13th time that year....I remember
          the 13th very well as being unlucky and today is Friday the 13th! My
          Dad was self-employed and had to leave his customers to come to
          school.
          His only words to me were that the school could do anything to me they
          thought appropriate and it was going to much worse when I got home.
          He
          was always a man of his word! Well, to say the least that was the
          last
          time that year of going to the supers office.
          I was getting sent out of class for causing disturbances and driving
          the
          teacher crazy, she quit teaching the next year so I believe that I may
          have caused that too. I sat in the back of a small classroom (there
          were only 19 students in my class) that was heated by steam radiators,
          that we also in the back of the room. There is a pop off valve that
          always hissed every once in a while and if you just screwed the top
          down
          it would not make noise but build pressure to hit the secondary valve
          and then REALLY shoot steam and we would have to break up class to
          leave
          the room.....your right, I was mechanically inclined so I figured it
          out
          and dismissed the class early in the winter several times until the
          school caught on what was going on and who! Of course my classmates
          egged me on to do it more so I did! Also I had one of those girls
          sitting enct to me, I think she liked me because she always poked me
          in
          the leg with her lead pencil (still have some lead in my leg from her)
          but when I retaliated and poked her the teacher would always see me
          and
          not her...out I went to the hall! Once 5 of us got caught shooting
          paper spit balls to entertain everyone in the study hall so we all got
          to shoot into a big box on the stage in front so everyone could really
          watch (no dunce caps but we didn't need them)! Another time some of
          us
          boys got to spend our entire day on the stage inside large cardboard
          boxes...it seemed that the main thing I learned in school was to be
          noticed because you see I started out as a real NERD with black horn
          rim
          glasses and pocket protector so I had to prove I wasn't, I think I
          accomplished that! I have many more stories that I can relate at some
          other time but you weren't the only one....My Super lost most of his
          hair during my high school years and exclaimed that my class was the
          worst to ever go through that shool.

          Being from the midwest..Iowa... I can relate to the fire flys (we
          still
          have them), A&W rootbeer is the BEST EVER and the car hops(We still
          have
          a couple), even the water-witching with a forked stick or wires was
          done
          here a lot 50-60 years ago when I was a small child I witnessed it
          several times in fact my Dad could do it!

          I can also relate to the military comments! I spent 25 years in the
          Air
          National Guard retiring as a CMSgt (E-9) as the Chief Medic! I have a
          great deal of respect for the Navy and one of my closest friends in
          the
          Senior NCO Academy is a Senior Chief along with our class President
          was
          a Master Chief!

          Keep up the good chips and remembering the days when we were kids,
          love
          them all!!!

          Terry G


          When I was in school, I was one of the geeks in Gifted Class... the
          most mischief we ever got up to was reducing substitute teachers to
          slavering, mewling catatonics, curled into the fetal position, under
          their desks. What we lacked in cajones, we more than made up for in
          cruelly incisive & insightful commentary. Imagine, if you will, the
          roles of Frasier & Niles as children, being played by extras from Hee-
          Haw & Deliverance. The biggest prank I ever had documented was when
          I was refused entry to the Blue Birds(kind of a Kmart version of Girl
          Scouts), and the day they took their group photo for the yearbook, I
          snuck into the shot, grinning like Satan. For the most part, I and
          my fellow geeks spent the majority of our school years hiding or
          running from the school bullies. If we couldn't paralyze them with
          verbal cruelty, we were, in effect, screwed. I did have a few
          friends outside of Gifted, three black girls named Tawannye, Kim, and
          Tina. Tawannye & I were the Amazons of Freshwater Elementary--sure,
          we got picked-on when we were on our own, but together, we terrorized
          bullies, boys, girls, and teachers. Not so much physical
          intimidation as that frightening gleam in our eyes. One of our
          Gifted teachers did retire mid-school-year... word was that she'd
          finally succumbed to a long-awaited nervous breakdown. I was the
          literary savant, the others were all math & science-oriented...
          explains why they're employed & I'm not, eh.

          My paternal unit, on the other hand... made Little Johnny look like
          an archangel. Cherry bombs down school toilets, stray cats tied
          together by the tail & slung over a tree branch to fight it out,
          potatoes up the exhaust pipes of enemy hoodlums or annoying teachers,
          chain-smoking all recess, setting fire to stray cats' tails and
          watching them race to a water hole, stealing hubcaps, you name it.
          This is, after all, the guy who turned down the track team and track
          scholarships(he was faster than the best runner on the team, even at
          a pack a day), because he wouldn't quit smoking. Genius, wall-to-
          wall. And you wonder where I got my predilliction for cheesy
          limericks and cruel practical jokes...

          Rantress


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          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

          Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
        • buffalos3@webtv.net
          Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Found an interesting article on the Zodiac aircraft
          Message 4 of 20 , Jul 21, 2001
          • 0 Attachment
            Clean Clean

            Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
            name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

            Found an interesting article on the Zodiac aircraft that made an
            emergency landing on the freeway on Wed . Seems the belt
            that drives the propeller broke . Seems like a heck of a weak
            link to me counting on a belt to keep you up in the air. What
            ever happened to the good old days when they were bolted
            to the motor.
            http://www.sooeveningnews.com/display/inn_news/news07.txt

            On another note the streets have been filled with boats this week
            as the Professional Walleye Trail competition returned. These
            guys take getting to the fishing hole seriously with 200 to 300
            hp. outboard motors. There is 250,000 dollars in prizes up
            for grabs so I guess I could get serious too. Zoom out to the
            fishing hole at 60 mph turn on the thousands of dollars of
            electronics that will show you every fish in the lake and then
            all you have to do is convince 7 or 8 of them to hop on the hook
            each day and you have the 50,000 dollar grand prize sewed up.
            They do return 90% of the fish alive to the lake too so even the
            fish have a story to tell that night.
            http://www.sooeveningnews.com/display/inn_news/news08.txt

            Enjoy the chips and I hope you are enjoying the weekend.

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            Judi Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Judi and Amanpreet have been back from their honeymoon for two weeks
            when Amanpreet came home from work saying he'd invited four friends
            from
            the office home for dinner on Friday.

            Judi is a bit apprehensive as she asks if she must cook a meal for
            them
            all. Amanpreet explains that there will actually be eight coming, as
            each has a spouse or date. Since this is her first party, he consoles
            her by saying that all she has to do is get some Chinese food in and
            perhaps she can bake a cake. This sounds like a good idea, and they
            sit
            down and decide what Chinese food to get.

            Friday morning wife calls the office in tears. She explains that the
            only cake recipe she has will only feed six. Hubby says, "why don't
            you
            just double the recipe?" She decides that is a good idea.

            At four, hubby gets another phone call -- this time quite frantic. "I
            just can't do it," wifely weeps. "It's impossible."

            "Now, now, what's the matter?"

            "Well, their recipe calls for two eggs..."
            "So, you use FOUR eggs. Don't you have them?

            "Yes -- then it needs 4 cups of flour."

            "Well," Amanpreet says rather testily, "you will
            have to use 8 cups of flour -- what is the problem?"

            "It isn't the ingredients," Judi cries, "it says that the cake must be
            baked at 350 degrees and I have checked the oven and I can't turn the
            heat up to 700 degrees!"

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Lawyer Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            A very wealthy man, old and desperately ill, summons to his bedside
            his
            three closest advisors: his doctor, his priest, and his lawyer. "I
            know," he says, "they say you can't take it with you. But who knows?
            Suppose they're mistaken. I'd like to have something with me, just in
            case. So I am giving each of you an envelope containing one hundred
            thousand dollars and I would be grateful if at my funeral you would
            put
            the envelopes in my coffin, so that if it turns out that it's useful,
            I'll have something." They each agree to carry out his wish.

            Sure enough, after just a few weeks, the old man passes away. At his
            funeral, each of the three advisors is seen slipping something into
            the
            coffin. After the burial, as the three are walking away together, the
            doctor turns to the other two and says, "Friends, I have a confession
            to
            make. As you know, at the hospital we are desperate because of the
            cutbacks in funding. Our CATSCAN machine broke down and we haven't
            been
            able to get a new one. So, I took $20,000 of our friend's money for a
            new CAT SCAN and put the rest in the coffin as he asked."
            At this the priest says, "I, too, have a confession to make. As you
            know, our church is simply overwhelmed by the problem of the
            homeless.
            The needs keep increasing and we have nowhere to turn. So I took
            $50,000 from the envelope for our homeless fund and put the rest in
            the
            coffin as our friend requested."
            Fixing the other two in his gaze, the lawyer says, "I am astonished
            and
            deeply disappointed that you would treat so casually our solemn
            undertaking to our friend. I want you to know that I placed in his
            coffin my personal check for the full one hundred thousand dollars."

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Toon Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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            Just a Bear using a Urinal....
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            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Job Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            You know it was your last day at your job when...

            1. You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she
            asks, "What's this?" you realize you just dropped the
            company's deposit in a mailbox and gave her your mail.

            2. As a woman comes into the store, you turn to the
            other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly
            old lady. This one's your turn!" Your boss is standing
            behind you. It's his wife.

            3. While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look
            at some confidential information on his computer. You
            spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

            4. You return from a week's vacation to find that you
            had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

            5. You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss
            asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek
            yesterday?"

            6. You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and
            barked knuckles. Your underwear is missing. You're in
            jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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            Parking Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            After driving up and down several lanes, I finally found a parking
            spot
            at the shopping mall. I noticed another man driving very slowly in the
            same direction, and, since he was closer, I gave him the "Are you
            going
            to park there?" look. His responding gestures were very complicated.
            First he shook his head. Next he pointed at me, then at the parking
            space and then at himself, his watch and the mall. Finishing off, he
            frowned, raised his palms upward and shrugged.
            Once I parked, I walked over to the driver to make sure he didn't want
            the space. "You must be single," he replied. "If you were married, you
            would've known that was the universal sign for 'Go ahead and take the
            spot. I'm waiting for my wife.' "

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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            Burger Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Ted just finished his training session at the local McDonald's. So he
            was a little nervous being behind the register for the first time. His
            first customer ordered a Milkshake. "Ted," his manager said, "remember
            to say 'Welcome to McDonald's' to each customer before they order."
            His second customer ordered a Cheeseburger. This time, the manager
            approached Ted again, and said, "Remember to ask each customer if they
            want fries with their order." At this point a man came in wearing a
            ski
            mask, approached Ted at the register and pointed a gun in his face.
            "Give me all the money you got in that register kid!"
            Ted took one look at his manager, thought to himself, and quickly
            said,
            "Welcome to McDonald's, would you like that for here or to go?"


            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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            Memory Chips
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            An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to
            forget
            many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could
            be
            dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the
            stove
            and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get
            some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find
            it
            useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly
            couple
            thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very
            pleased with the advice.
            When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the
            kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that
            down so you won't forget?"
            "Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
            "Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You
            better write that down, because I know you'll forget." "Don't be
            silly,"
            replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can
            remember that!"
            "OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now
            you'd
            really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife. "Come
            now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a
            dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream." With that, the
            husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him
            getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his
            preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He
            emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later. Walking over to his
            wife, he presented her with a plate of bacon and eggs. The wife took
            one
            look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's
            the
            toast?"

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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            Alien Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            The spaceship crashed, but the two glowing Martians survived and set
            out to find a way home. They walked through the forests, through the
            fields, and finally came into the city.

            They stopped at an intersection and began to shake and moan at the
            mere sight of a green light. Suddenly, the light turned from green to
            yellow, and then to red.

            Turning to his traveling companion, one Martian said
            disgustedly, "Let's
            get out of here. If there's one thing I hate, it's a woman who's a
            tease."

            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

            Parting Chips
            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


            Starkle, starkle, little twink,
            Who the heck are you I think.
            I'm not under what you call,
            The alcofluence of incohol.

            I'm just a little slort of sheep,
            I'm not drunk like thinkle peep
            I don't know who is me yet,
            But the drunker I stand here the longer I get.

            So just give me one more fink to drill my cup,
            'Cause I got all day sober to Sunday up


            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
            From The Buffalos Mail Box


            The local paper had an article about fireflies and I thought of you.

            Here's the link.

            http://www.freep.com/news/metro/bug18_20010718.htm

            Robert


            Slow pokes We ate caramel on a stick years ago, but it was called a
            Sugar Daddy. I haven't bought one for a long time due to the fact
            that I have a complete set of dentures. So I don't know if they are
            still on the market or not, but it won't hurt to look.

            Janet


            Hi there Chip man, First off let me tell you how much I enjoy your e-
            zines... you are the man!

            I just had to address the Ritalin issue...I whole heartedly agree
            with you on the issue...way too many children have been put on these
            types of drugs so their parents and teachers will not have to go to
            any extra effort to "control" the children...
            As far as to what the fair Doctor replied, one must understand, this
            is a HUMOR e-zine... yes there are a FEW children that might need
            these types of drugs, but this comment was not made in a derogatory
            way...it was making light of a very serious situation... such as one
            might make on the evils of too many women watching Oprah on Prozak...

            As long as people can make light of situations, maybe there is a
            chance for change.

            Just a casual note on the past few years, have you noticed, that the
            more kids that end up on Ritalin, it seems that the school shooting
            go up...?? and drug abuse rises?? My brother was put on Ritalin when
            it first came out, my parents were basically forced into that
            decision by school counselors and doctors..they did not have the
            knowledge that was needed to protest it... hey, if the doctor says
            it, it must be true...my brother has now spent the last 15 years in
            and out of prison, all related to drug abuse...

            It seems that the more that "helpful" drugs are introduced into our
            society, the more horrible society becomes. People need to realize
            that you cannot fix everything with a little pill...

            I feel for Dr Petra for having an ADHD child... they are very
            difficult children to handle, especially if one has a demanding job
            like a MD would...

            As a side note, a friend of mine has a child that was diagnosed as
            ADHD, he steadfastly refused to introduce drugs into this young boys
            life, and is homeschooling all of his children now... the young child
            I just mentioned, is the most wonderful well behaved young man I have
            ever met. He is 3 years ahead in school, now, his father admits it
            is a struggle, and that son takes a bit more of his time than the
            other children... but it is worth it. And I believe that is what it
            takes.. time, from the parents first... teachers if at all possible,
            I feel sorry for teachers now, they can and do get sued over the
            stupidest things... just get one that really cares... it even happens
            in kindergarten. :( sad state of affairs. That is where parents need
            to get involved if at all possible with the school and at least met
            the teachers to come to an understanding...
            oh well blah blah blah,, I could go on and on, I realize that every
            situation is different, but for Christ's sakes, let's quit drugging
            our kids for our own comfort factor!!!!

            Your reply to Dr Petra was wonderful. I just wanted to let you know
            that you are doing a wonderful job, and keep the jokes coming...

            Debbie F




            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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            Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
          • buffalos3@webtv.net
            Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. If you are a subscriber to Jills Jokeline, and you
            Message 5 of 20 , Jul 27, 2001
            • 0 Attachment
              Clean Clean


              Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
              name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

              If you are a subscriber to Jills Jokeline, and you
              noticed you haven't received any mailings for almost a
              week now, please note that Jill's mailserver is down
              and she isn't able to send any Jokelines out. She is
              in the process of getting a new mailserver and the
              Jokeline will resume in about a week. If you have
              tried subscribing to her list and got a message saying
              her list was at the maximum and not accepting any new
              subscribers, then send an email to:

              JoinJillsJokeline@...

              Jill will be adding all new subscribers manually to
              her new mailserver during this transition period.

              You can check the status of her new mailserver and
              mailings at her website where she will post updates
              at:

              http://www.jillsjokeline.com/todaysjokes.html

              And if anyone has any spare Excedrin EXTRA Strength,
              maybe you should download some to Jill - she surely
              needs it at this point.


              Another problem, server related is affecting the people that
              receive buffalosjokes via web-tv . The recent upgrade at
              Yahoo has caused web-tv's Junk mail function to target
              Yahoo mailing lists. If you are unable to receive the jokes
              go to your home page and click on settings, email , and
              junkmail and turn the function off and you will receive
              your mail. I found that out the hard way.

              Hope you enjoy you chips and have a great weekend


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              For Sale Chips
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              Insurance Chips
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              Three Insurance salesman were sitting in a restaurant boasting about
              each companies' service.

              The first one said, "When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday,
              we
              got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the
              wife and had mailed a check on Wednesday evening".

              The second one said, "When one of our insured died without warning on
              Monday, we learned of it in 2 hours and were able to hand-deliver a
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              The last salesman said, "That's nothing. Our office is on the 20th
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              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Toon Chips
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              Project Chips
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              What we say,what we mean

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              else.

              Major Technological Breakthrough--Back to the drawing board.

              Developed after years of intensive research--It was discovered by
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              Customer satisfaction is believed assured--We are so far behind
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              that the customer will be happy to get anything at all from us.

              The design will be finalized in the next reporting period--We haven't
              started this job yet, but we've got to say something.

              Test results were extremely gratifying--It works, and are we
              surprised.

              Extensive effort is being applied on a fresh approach to the problem--
              We
              just hired three new guys; we'll let them kick it around for a while.

              Preliminary operational tests are inconclusive--The darn thing blew
              up when
              we threw the switch.

              The entire concept will have to be abandoned--The only guy who
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              the thing quit.

              Modifications are under way to correct certain minor difficulties--We
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              Old Chips
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor
              was
              listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, "Oh
              oh!"
              The man asked the doctor, "What's the problem?" "Well," said the doc,
              "you have a serious heart murmur. Do you smoke?"
              "No," replied the man.
              "Do you drink in excess?"
              "No." replied the man.
              "Do you have a sex life?"
              "Yes, I do!"
              "Well," said the doc, "I'm afraid with this heart murmur, you'll have
              to
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              "Which half - the looking or the thinking?"

              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              Driving Chips
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              A woman was driving down the highway about 75 miles an hour, when
              she noticed a motorcycle policeman following her. Instead
              of slowing down, she picked up speed.

              When she looked back again, their were two motorcycles following her.
              She shot up to 90 miles. The next time she looked around, there were
              three cops following her.

              Suddenly, she spotted a gas station looming ahead. She screeched to a
              stop and ran into the ladies' room. Ten minutes later, she innocently
              walked out.

              The three cops were standing their waiting for her. Without batting
              an eye, she said coyly, "I'll bet none of you thought I would make
              it."

              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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              Job Chips
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              As an attorney in a major New Mexico law firm, I have many colleagues
              who work long hours. However, the reputation of one of my partners'
              workaholic ways even extended beyond the office.

              He not only had to leave work early one day because of a medical
              problem, but he was also told by his doctor to stay home until the
              end of the week. My colleague grudgingly agree to comply.

              In the middle of the week, our receptionist received a call for him.
              She announced that the partner was out of the office until
              Friday. "Good," the caller said. "That's all I wanted to know." It
              was my partner's doctor.


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              Short Chips
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              While vacationing on Cape Cod, my wife and I stopped at a small way-
              side stand and bought some tomatoes. When I commented how small they
              were, the proprietor's reply was "Ay-up."
              Returning a day or two later, my wife told the man the tomatoes he
              had sold us were tough and not very flavorful.
              The old gentleman nodded, looked at us a moment, then said, "Lucky
              they was small, ain't it?"

              ~~~~~~~~`

              A two and a half year old walked into the bathroom while her mother
              was putting on make-up. "I'm going to look just like you mommy!" she
              announced.

              "Maybe, when you grow up," her mother told her.

              "No mommy, tomorrow. I just put on that 'Oil of Old Lady' you always
              use."

              ~~~~~~~~~

              Grampa was telling his youngest grandson abuot his terrifying
              experience with cannibals.

              "There I was, lost in the middle of the jungle, surrounded by twenty
              hungry cannibals."

              His grandson, Oleander, said, "But last time you told me, there were
              only ten hungry cannibals."

              To which grampa answered, "Ah, but you were too young then to know
              the whole horrible truth!"



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              Parting Chips
              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


              At 3 am a desk clerk at a hotel gets a call from a drunk guy asking
              what
              time the bar opens.
              "It opens at noon" answers the clerk.
              About an hour later he gets a call from the same guy, sounding even
              drunker.
              "What time does the bar open?" he asks.
              "Same time as before... Noon." replies the clerk.
              Another hour passes and he calls again, plastered "Whatjoo shay the
              bar
              opins at?"
              The clerk then answers, "It opens at noon, but if you can't wait, I
              can
              have room service send something up to you."
              "No... I don't wanna git in... Ah wanna git OUT!!!"




              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
              From The Buffalos Mail Box


              Hi,
              I have just finished reading the letter and jokes that you sent for
              Thursday. I was so moved by the beginning of your letter, that I had
              to write.
              My father, and also my father in law both served in Vietnam. My day
              was there back in the sixtioes and my Father in law aw asover there
              in the late sixties early seventies. Fortunately for both my husband
              and I... our fathers both came home. My father was one whio could
              never really talk about what happened over there... but I have always
              been proud of him. My father in law earned a Purple Heart there, from
              recieving shrapnel from an explosion near him... but he was able to
              finish his tour over there...
              I shall forward on the web site info that you had in your letter.
              THANK YOU So much for caring from the heart!!! May God be with all of
              those who's names appear on those tags... and also the families. I am
              sure that there may be some hope in peoples hearts renewed aonce
              again... or at least a final peace of mind.
              Thank you!!!
              Mary Greeley

              Hi Bill.....I hate to bother you with this. For the past couple of
              days
              I have been receiving Lynn's and the Inspiration newsletters, but not
              your "G" joke newsletter. Thought you should know. Yours is my most
              favorite e-mail I receive every day! No kidding....I really feel like
              I'm missing something if I don't get it.

              Also, another newsletter from Yahoo dropped off as well with no
              explanation. It is called Michelle's Miracles. I wonder if there
              is a
              connection? Everything else seems to be coming in.....

              Thanks for your help!
              Linda





              I like the Navy.

              I like standing on the bridge wing at sunrise with salt spray in my
              face
              and clean ocean winds whipping in from the four quarters of the
              globe -
              the ship beneath me feeling like a living thing as her engines drive
              her
              through the sea.

              I like the sounds of the Navy - the piercing trill of the boatswains
              pipe, the syncopated clangor of the ship's bell on the quarterdeck,
              the
              harsh squawk of the 1MC and the strong language and laughter of
              sailors
              at work.

              I like the vessels of the Navy - nervous darting destroyers, plodding
              fleet auxiliaries, sleek submarines and steady solid carriers. I like
              the proud sonorous names of Navy capital ships: Midway, Lexington,
              Saratoga, Coral Sea - memorials of great battles won. I like the lean
              angular names of Navy 'tin-cans': Barney, Dahlgren, Mullinix, McCloy,
              John
              Paul Jones -mementos of heroes who went before us.

              I like the tempo of a Navy band blaring through the topside speakers
              as
              we pull away from the oiler after refueling at sea. I like liberty
              call
              and the spicy scent of a foreign port. I even like all hands working
              parties as my ship fills herself with the multitude of supplies both
              mundane and exotic which she needs to cut her ties to the land and
              carry
              out her mission anywhere on the globe where there is water to float
              her.

              I like sailors, men from all parts of the land, farms of the Midwest,
              small towns of New England, from the cities, the mountains and the
              prairies, from all walks of life. I trust and depend on them as they
              trust and depend on me - for professional competence, for
              comradeship,
              for courage. In a word, they are "shipmates."

              I like the surge of adventure in my heart when the word is
              passed "Now
              station the special sea and anchor detail - all hands to quarters for
              leaving port", and I like the infectious thrill of sighting home
              again,
              with the waving hands of welcome from family and friends waiting
              pierside. The work is hard and dangerous, the going rough at times,
              the
              parting from loved ones painful, but the companionship of robust Navy
              laughter, the 'all for one and one for all' philosophy of the sea is
              ever present.

              I like the serenity of the sea after a day of hard ship's work, as
              flying fish flit across the wave tops and sunset gives way to night.
              I
              like the feel of the Navy in darkness - the masthead lights, the red
              and
              green navigation lights and stern light, the pulsating
              phosphorescence
              of radar repeaters - they cut through the dusk and join with the
              mirror
              of stars overhead. And I like drifting off to sleep lulled by the
              myriad
              noises large and small that tell me that my ship is alive and well,
              and
              that my shipmates on watch will keep me safe.

              I like quiet midwatches with the aroma of strong coffee - the
              lifeblood
              of the Navy - permeating everywhere. And I like hectic watches when
              the
              exacting minuet of haze-gray shapes racing at flank speed keeps all
              hands on a razor edge of alertness. I like the sudden electricity of
              "General quarters, general quarters, all hands man your battle
              stations", followed by the hurried clamor of running feet on ladders
              and
              the resounding thump of watertight doors as the ship transforms
              herself
              in a few brief seconds from a peaceful workplace to a weapon of war -
              ready for anything. And I like the sight of space-age equipment
              manned
              by youngsters clad in dungarees and sound-powered phones that their
              grandfathers would still recognize.

              I like the traditions of the Navy and the men and women who made
              them. I
              like the proud names of Navy heroes: Halsey, Nimitz, Perry, Farragut,
              John Paul Jones. A sailor can find much in the Navy: comrades-in-
              arms,
              pride in self and country, mastery of the seaman's trade. An
              adolescent
              can find adulthood.

              In years to come, when sailors are home from the sea, they will still
              remember with fondness and respect the ocean in all its moods - the
              impossible shimmering mirror calm and the storm-tossed green water
              surging over the bow. And then there will come again a faint whiff of
              stack gas, a faint echo of engine and rudder orders, a vision of the
              bright bunting of signal flags snapping at the yardarm, a refrain of
              hearty laughter in the wardroom and chief's quarters and messdecks.
              Gone
              ashore for good they will grow wistful about their Navy days, when
              the
              seas belonged to them and a new port of call was ever over the
              horizon.

              Remembering this, they will stand taller and say,

              "I WAS A SAILOR ONCE. I WAS PART OF THE NAVY & THE NAVY WILL
              ALWAYS BE
              PART OF ME."

              From MP3


              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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              Consultation with a board certified physician is always free.

              http://www.buffalosjokes.com/eprescribe.htm



              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

              Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
            • buffalos3@webtv.net
              Clean Clean Thank You for joining us , My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Growing up this was a great time of the year too. Haying was over and all that
              Message 6 of 20 , Aug 11, 2001
              • 0 Attachment
                Clean Clean

                Thank You for joining us , My name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                Growing up this was a great time of the year too. Haying was over and
                all that had to be done was wait for harvest time for the gardens and
                the
                grains. It was a time too for the first rewards of a summer's work.
                There
                is a certain satisfaction in having a meal that was completely grown
                on the
                farm and this time of year yielded tender baby potatoes , a salad of
                leaf
                lettuce, green onions, radishes and tomatoes, green beans, and beef
                or
                chicken from the freezer. I loved green onions and made sandwiches
                with onions sandwich spread and lettuce.

                It was also time to pick berries for preserves, jam, and pies.
                Raspberries
                grew along the road. and an hour picking would gather the 6 cups
                needed to make a batch of jam . Blueberries grew in the sandy plains
                along the railroad grade of the old Duluth, South Shore, and Atlantic
                Railroad . An
                afternoon of picking by the family would yield 5 to 10 gallons and
                all
                you can eat. It was a great time to learn things like finding
                directions by the
                sun, dealing with animals ( lions and tigers and bears , oh my ..
                well bears at
                least), and working together as a family. Wish I had a big blueberry
                pie right
                now to go along with these chips.


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                Irish Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of
                Guinness
                and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in
                turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three
                more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes
                flat after I draw, it. It would taste better if you bought one at a
                time."
                The Irishman replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in
                America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all
                left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days
                when we drank together. So I drinks one for each o' me brothers and
                one
                for me self."
                The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
                The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same
                way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes
                in
                and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall
                silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the
                bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted
                to
                offer my condolences on your great loss."
                The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his
                eye
                and he laughs. "Oh, no. Everyone's fine," he explains, "It's just
                that me wife
                made me join the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking."

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                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Animal Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Dog: "They keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl."

                Goldfish: "Just because I have a three-second memory, they don't
                think
                I'll mind eating the same fish flakes ... Oh boy! Fish flakes!"

                Dog: "Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW
                whose it is!"

                Goldfish: "The knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for
                dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am
                lord and master!"

                Parrot: "Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really
                give me a cracker? HECK, no!"

                Cat: "Why are these people in my house?"

                Goldfish: "Oh, tap-tap-tap! There's a new one!"

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Toon Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                Never drink and fly...!!
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                http://uGRIN.com/?20-486



                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Rich Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                MRS. GARFINKEL'S WHIMS

                Mrs. Garfinkel drove up in her chauffeured car to the fanciest resort
                hotel
                in the East. She was a resplendant symphony in jewels and furs.

                "Boy," she called out. "No, not just you. All of you. Everyone."

                The bellboys flocked, and Mrs. Garfinkel gave her orders with rapid-
                fire
                precision. "You, take that suitcase. You, take the other. The tall
                one
                can take my hatbox and the little one, my wig box."

                She went on and on, apportioning the tasks, until finally she said to
                the
                last remaining bellboy, "And you can carry my son Harold."

                She pointed to the plump teen-ager sitting beside her.

                The bellboy cast a horrified look at the size of the boy and
                said, "But,
                madam, surely the young man can walk."

                "Of course he can walk," said Mrs. Garfinkel indignantly. "But, thank
                God,
                he'll never have to."

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Blonde Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the
                subject, and

                finally, after getting all the necessary items together, she made for
                the
                nearest frozen lake. After positioning her footstool, she started to
                make a circular cut in the ice.
                Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE
                ICE!"
                Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice and began to cut yet
                another hole. Again, from the heavens, the voice bellowed, "THERE ARE
                NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
                The blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of
                the ice, sat up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole. The voice
                came once more: "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"
                She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"
                The voice replied, "No, I'm the Ice-Rink Manager!"



                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Rescue Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Standing at the edge of the lake, a man saw a woman flailing about in
                the deep water. Unable to swim, the man started to scream for help. A
                trout fisherman ran up. The man said, "My wife is drowning and I can't
                swim. Please save her. I"ll give you a hundred dollars."
                The fisherman dove into the water. In ten powerful strokes, he reached
                the woman, put his arm around her, and swam back to shore. Depositing
                her at the feet of the man, the fisherman said, "Okay, where's my
                hundred?"
                The man said, "Look, when I saw her going down for the third time, I
                thought it was my wife. But this is my mother- in-law."
                The fisherman reached into his pocket and said, "Just my luck. How
                much
                do I owe you?"

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                "When I was young," an elderly gentleman reminisces, "I was a mime."
                "Really?" his grandson says. "Sure," he says. "I could mime the act
                of pulling a rope, and people would think I was pulling a rope. I
                could pretend I was a bird, and people would think I was flying."
                "Did you pretend that you were trapped in a box?" "No," he says, "I
                would never do that." "Why not?" the grandson asks. "Because," he
                replies, "I'm claustrophobic."


                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Short Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Two people in every one is a schizophrenic.

                ~~~~~~

                We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

                ~~~~~~

                I used to be apathetic, now I just don't care!

                ~~~~~~

                Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
                I'll deal with you later.
                ~~~~~~
                Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a spoon.
                Sit still and don't stir.
                ~~~~~~~
                Doctor, Doctor, everyone keeps ignoring me.
                Next please!
                ~~~~~~~~
                Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bell.
                Take these pills, and if they don't help, give me a ring.
                ~~~~~~~~~
                Doctor, Doctor, I can't get to sleep.
                Sit on the edge of the bed and you'll soon drop off.

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                The Herbal Buffalo ( More Jokes after this section)
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Optometrist Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Linda went to an eye doctor to have her eyes checked for glasses.
                The doctor directed her to read various letters with the left eye
                while
                covering her right eye. Linda got so mixed up on which eye was which
                that the eye doctor, in disgust, took a paper sack, cut a hole to see
                through, and covered up the appropriate eye. He then asked her to
                read the letters. As he did so, he noticed tears streaming down her
                face. "Look," said the doctor, "there's no need to get emotional about
                getting glasses." "I know," agreed Linda, "but I kind of had my heart
                set on wire frames."

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Parting Chips
                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                Once in a corner near the fireplace, Uncle Ezra had been working
                industriously with a stub pencil and a piece of paper. Suddenly he
                looked up and smiled. He exclaimed, "Doggoned it Maw, if I ain't done
                learned to write." Maw got up and looked over his shoulder at the
                lines
                scrawled across the paper. What does it say? Uncle Ezra said, "I
                don't know, I ain't learned to read yet."


                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                From The Buffalos Mail Box


                I have been following the E-mail you have been adding to your ezine
                about reading.
                I think I must have been born with a book in my hand.
                When I was a child I spent most of my time in the city library. I
                read the complete works of Frank Baum's The Wizard of Oz. Nancy Drew
                and many more.
                Most of my children read but I have some grand children and great
                grand children that are very smart but they do not read like we used
                to do.
                My ex husband (deceased) had a saying, "We buy you books and buy you
                books. Teach you every thing we know but you still don't know
                nothin'".
                He was being funny. He was also a Texan. LOL
                I enjoy your ezine. You are keeping me young and making my day.
                Pat
                @}-->>---------

                ( My favorite reading experience has always been the Reader's Digest .
                Such a variety of stories combined with humor from all phases of life.
                The only thing wrong with it is I absorb it cover to cover the first
                day
                and then have to wait a month for the next one )


                I thought maybe you could use this story. It is real and from one of
                my
                nephews. It sounds like some of your trials and tribulations. You are
                not alone in having problems and thought this might brighten your day.
                Luanne

                Have you ever heard the saying "No good deed goes unpunished"? Well,
                I'm
                here to tell you "It's True!"
                On Monday Brenda and I went to Sears to but a new washer. The old
                (23-25
                years) Maytag was slowly giving up on us. It still worked but the
                timer no
                longer advanced to the next part of the cycle. If you put clothes in
                to
                wash, it would fill up with water and wash until you went back
                downstairs and
                turned it to the rinse location on the dial. Sometimes our clothes
                got
                'really clean' when we got busy or just forgot about them washing
                merrily
                away. Other times they were well rinsed for 20 minutes to an hour,
                maybe
                longer. Sometimes the towels were practically dry from spinning for
                so long.
                At Sears them had a cheap washer with few features, a high priced
                washer
                with most of the features and then the one they wanted to sell you.
                It did
                have more things on it, water levels, wash-rinse temperatures,
                unusable
                delicate cycle, different wash-spin speeds, and stuff like that for
                only
                $20.00 more and then it qualified for free delivery. No Brainer, Huh
                Since Brenda would be off of work on Thursday we had it scheduled
                for
                then. Wednesday evening we went down stairs to clean up the area,
                sweep and
                mop and move the old washer out of the way. I pulled it out from the
                wall
                and tried to unfasten the water hoses after turning them off, of
                course. I
                couldn't unscrew the hose from the back of the washer because it was
                gunk-rusted in place, so I used the wrench on the hose where it was
                fastened
                to the shutoff valve. I should have known better because the elbow
                in the
                water pipe broke in half and water shot out like a hose since I now
                held the
                broken valve handle in my hand. Yeah! I got a little wet, but
                thinking
                quickly I went over and shut of the valve where the water line
                entered the
                house.
                The elbow was so full of gunk I don't know how water managed to
                get
                through it. I checked the pipes discovering the broken one was from
                the hot
                water tank. I shut off the valve that lead to the water heater and
                turned
                the main water back on so we could get something to drink and still
                flush the
                toilet and the broken pipe didn't leak.
                I arrived at Home Depot about 8:30 taking 30 minutes or so to find
                the
                right combination of pieces in the right size to make the repair. I
                had to
                buy 6 yards of pipe tape to waterseal the threaded part of the
                connection (at
                least 2 lifetimes worth If I only have four more pipes break). I
                even
                remembered to buy a bottle of propane just in case the last bottle
                was nearly
                empty. I all ready had a big roll of solder to sweat the fittings in
                place.
                At home again, I had to unscrew two 4 inch bolts that held the
                pipe
                securely attached to the wall before I could use a hacksaw to cut off
                the
                broken elbow. Then I had to file the end flatter because the saw cut
                at an
                angle. I also had to sand paint from the pipe down to the clean
                copper so
                the solder would stick. I found out that the big spool of solder was
                solid
                not acid core to make it flow into the pipejoints. By this time it
                is nearly
                10:30 and Home Depot closed at 10. Thank God Meijers is open 24/7
                only they
                don't have and acid core solder. They did have a can of flux that
                could be
                used instead.
                Home again, I wrapped the tape around the threaded joints and
                wrenched the
                two pieces together. I cleaned and sanded the other two pieces and
                applied
                some flux to the shut off valve and the end of the elbow. Using a
                pair of
                vice grips to hold the elbow figuring correctly that it might get hot
                holding
                it in the flame of a propane torch, I heated the pieces having my
                wonderfully
                patient wife applying the solder. The flame from the torch wasn't
                working
                very well. I couldn't get the flame to come to a very good point but
                it
                worked OK for now. I later discovered that a spider had built a
                nest in the
                nozzle and the residue was affecting the shape of the flame. I had
                an extra
                bottle of propane on hand already so now I have two of them for more
                emergencies. We managed to get the first elbow sweated on and
                sweated it
                the word. You can imagine how hot and dripping wet I was getting,
                can't you?
                Together, we tackled the other elbow attempting to attach the
                shutoff
                valve to the pipe that came down the wall. I took care to have a
                bucket of
                water close by because I had an open flame very near a wooden cabinet
                that
                contained about a thousand bullets and at least 20 pounds of
                gunpowder. I'm
                sure the noise would have woken up some of our neighbors and probably
                would
                have damaged this new washer, too! Just as we managed to get half of
                the
                pipe soldered, Tiffany came into the house and turned on the water in
                the
                kitchen to get a drink. Opening the cold water handle released the
                pressure
                holding the rest of the water remaining in the hot water pipe and it
                ran down
                hill as water is want to do. Down hill put it in the basement where
                it hit
                the hot copper pipe joint turning to steam and sprayed out reaching
                clear up
                to the ceiling rafters sprinkling down on both of us. It wasn't hot
                enough
                to burn us, but the air turned blue with a stream of choice words I
                was
                screaming at the unsuspecting Perpetrator of this disaster. She had
                just
                come home from work and didn't have any idea what we were doing, but
                it
                happened so fast we didn't have a chance to explain the situation.
                Having had enough by then, I gave up for the night. If Brenda's
                Dad
                couldn't come over and finish the job before the washer arrived it
                would have
                to be left unhooked until I could finish the job after I came home
                from work.
                It was 12:30 when I went to bed and 1 A.M. before I fell asleep.
                As luck would have it, he had better solder and a better propane
                torch
                fixing the pipe just in time. Brenda called me at 12:15 to let me
                know
                everything was under control and that she had a second load of
                laundry
                working already
                So there you have it. Good Deed - New washer, Punishment - Broken
                pipe.
                Seems like more trouble than it was worth and Brenda was getting
                plenty of
                exercise running up and down the stairs every ten minutes or once an
                hour at
                least. All of that and I haven't even had time to tell you about the
                accident we had on Hamilton Road earlier that same day. Oh well,
                I'll tell
                you about that later.

                Frustrated
                and
                punished enough,
                Your Son,
                KENNETH

                ( An old plumbers trick is to pack several slices of bread into the
                pipe
                before soldering to keep the water from cooling the pipe and causing
                a cold joint . Then flush the bread out before hooking anything to
                it .)

                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
              • buffalos3@webtv.net
                Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. I am sure all have you have seen the Darwin Awards
                Message 7 of 20 , Aug 17, 2001
                • 0 Attachment
                  Clean Clean


                  Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                  name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                  I am sure all have you have seen the Darwin Awards before that
                  are given to people who have helped improve the gene pool by
                  removing themselves from it. Honorable mentions are given to
                  those that tried and through no fault of their own failed to succed.

                  An example was clipped from the 8-16 Evening News and my
                  daughter was on hand to witness the incident.

                  SAULT STE. MARIE -- Sault Police have seemingly closed the books on a
                  Sunday morning mishap at the intersection of Maple and Ashmun which
                  left a 27-year-old Dafter man hospitalized.

                  According to witness accounts compiled during the police
                  investigation, Darin W. Trumbley was "playing around" when he crawled
                  out into the intersection and laid down. A vehicle had initially been
                  stopped for a red light at that same intersection at approximately 3
                  a.m. and the driver failed to see the prone Trumbley until it was too
                  late, running directly over the man.

                  Police noted Trumbley had a bloody nose and injured hand before he
                  was whisked away by Sault Ambulance to War Memorial Hospital.

                  Investigating at the scene, police and a preliminary breath test
                  confirmed the driver of the vehicle had not been drinking. There were
                  no arrests made in this matter and no citations are apparently
                  forthcoming.

                  Sometimes nothing in life is stranger than what we read in the
                  evening news.
                  Hope you enjoy the chips and that if you don't choose to lay down in
                  traffic
                  you will be joining us tomorrow.



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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  School Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  There's a story about an MIT student who spent an
                  entire summer going to the Harvard football field
                  every day wearing a black and white striped
                  shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or
                  fifteen minutes throwing birdseed, blowing a
                  whistle, and then walking off the field.

                  At the end of the summer, it came time for the
                  first Harvard home football game, the referee
                  walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and
                  the game had to be delayed for a half hour to
                  wait for the birds to get off of the field.

                  The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.



                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Short Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  A civil servant is badly hurt, after falling down the stairs at city
                  hall.
                  He
                  is taken to the hospital where he remains in a coma for several days.

                  Finally, an eye opens and his doctor tells him, "My friend, I have
                  bad news
                  and I have good news. First of all, you'll never be able to work
                  again."

                  "Okay," muttered the injured bureaucrat. "What's the bad news?"

                  ~~~~~


                  A blonde fellow is driving along the road when he sees a
                  sign on a plot of land that reads "40 acres for sale" and
                  lists a phone number and in big bold letters the words
                  "WILL DIVIDE."

                  The man had been considering buying a bit of land for in-
                  vestment purposes. So he calls the number and when a lady
                  picks up, he asks her, "Is Mr. Divide in?"


                  ~~~~~~~

                  Once I worked as an operator on an old IBM 370/Model 138
                  mainframe at a local college. My position had been reclass-
                  ified to fall into a new area outside of the I/S staff. One
                  day, my new supervisor entered the room and stared at the
                  air conditioning unit directly behind me. He studied the two
                  flashing lights for a few moments and asked what job it was
                  currently processing.

                  I killed my career by replying, "Actually, sir, it's cooling
                  the room. The computer is over here."




                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Toon Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Dangerous? Nuh uh!
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                  Temp...
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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Doctor Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Claire was feeling tired, worn down, sluggish, bereft of pep. Her
                  get-up-and-go just got up and went. So she scheduled her annual
                  physical
                  a bit early this year.

                  When the doctor had completed the exhaustive examination, he told
                  Claire
                  to meet him back in his office when she had finished dressing.

                  From behind his desk, the doctor said, "Well, I can't find any
                  physiological reason for your problem, but I suspect it's due to
                  drinking."

                  "I'll bet you're right," replied Claire. "And, you know what? I think
                  it's utterly shameful!"

                  "Now, now," said the doctor. "Millions of people have a problem with
                  alcohol -- it's nothing to be ashamed of."

                  "It certainly is!" huffed Claire, as she picked up her purse and stood
                  to leave. Pausing in the doorway, she clucked her tongue, shook her
                  head
                  sadly at the doctor, and said, "I'll come back when you're sober."



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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Short Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Two good Catholic boys passed an Episcopalian minister. At
                  the sight of the reversed collar, one of them automatically said,
                  "Hello, Father."

                  The other boy elbowed him in the ribs. "He's no Father you
                  dummy, said the second youth, "He's married and got three
                  kids!"

                  ~~~~~~~

                  Hans and Stein were playing in their yard in Zurich when one of the
                  boys
                  accidentally swallowed a coin and started choking. Hans ran inside to
                  get
                  help, yelling "Mom! Dad! Come quick! There's a franc in Stein!"


                  ~~~~~~

                  When the car engine developed a slight knock, the husband asked his
                  blonde
                  wife if she had bought special non-leaded or regular gas, but she
                  couldn't
                  remember. "You probably got the cheaper gas," he said. "That could
                  account
                  for the roughness of the engine."
                  "No, the gas wasn't cheaper!" she replied indignantly.
                  "Well, how much did it cost?" asked the husband probingly.
                  "It cost the same as always." said the wife. "I told the man to put
                  in the
                  usual ten dollars worth."



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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Headline Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers,
                  yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty
                  people swindled!"

                  Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the
                  front page. What he saw was yesterday's paper.

                  The man said, "Hey, this is an old paper, where's the story
                  about the big swindle?"

                  The newsboy ignored him and went on calling out, "Read all
                  about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"


                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  LynnLynn's Links



                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch
                  from an exclusive jewelry store.

                  "Listen," said the shoplifter, "I know you don't want any
                  trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch and we
                  forget about this?"

                  The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip.

                  The crook looked at the slip and said, "This is a little more
                  than I intended to spend. Can you show me something a little
                  less expensive?"



                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Vietnam Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  HUMOR: A WRINKLE IN TIME
                  by Auralie Jones, auraliez@...

                  My husband and I both look very young for our ages. In
                  fact, we've hardly aged a day since we first laid eyes
                  on each other in college -- at least, that's what we
                  tell each other. Our children have a way of bringing
                  us crashing back to earth.

                  Recently, my husband and I were discussing a man who
                  was running for public office.

                  "He's a Vietnam Vet," commented my husband.

                  "What's that?" queried our young daughter.

                  Trying to answer the question in terms a four-year-old
                  could readily grasp, my husband replied, "Well, Honey,
                  that means that the man fought in a war that happened
                  when Mommy and Daddy were little."

                  Our daughter regarded us both thoughtfully for a
                  moment, then asked "So, was he a Viking?"

                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  The Herbal Buffalo ( More Jokes after this section)
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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Pregnant Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  A couple just started their Lamaze class and they were given
                  an activity requiring the husband to wear a bag of sand - to
                  give him an idea of what it feels like to be pregnant. The
                  husband stood up and shrugged saying, "This doesn't feel so
                  bad."

                  The instructor then dropped a pen and asked the husband to
                  pick it up.

                  "You want me to pick up the pen as if I were pregnant, the
                  way my wife would do it?" the husband asked.

                  "Exactly," replied the instructor.

                  To the delight of the other husbands, he turned to his wife
                  and said, "Honey, pick up that pen for me."



                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Parting Chips
                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                  Two kids are talking, and one says, "Boy, my mom works twelve hours a
                  day to
                  give me a nice home and good food. My dad spends the whole day
                  cleaning and
                  cooking for me. I'm really worried."

                  The other kid says, "What have you got to worry about?"

                  The first kid says, "What if they try to escape?"


                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                  From The Buffalos Mail Box

                  Bill I thought you might get a kick out of this site and maybe others
                  will
                  also.
                  http://www.mamarocks.com/rockin_fifties.htm
                  rockin fifties

                  Larry


                  Hey Buffalo,
                  I look forward to the chips every night when I get home from work.
                  My cat
                  killed a baby possum last week and left it at the front door for me.
                  The
                  kicker is she's declawed.
                  Thanks,
                  KAT

                  ( Nothing like a little possum with your chips heh heh My cat is 15
                  years
                  old now and has left the hunting to the younger animals in the
                  family. She
                  still practices occasionally , doing a wild dash across the floor up
                  on end tables knocking down lamps and pouncing on one of the catnip
                  toys just to show everyone she is still queen of the house. )

                  Buffalo: Have enjoyed the recent discussions concerning Gas Prices
                  and Rationing. It would seem that , like the utility companies, the
                  grip the petroleum companies have on our balls is rather strong. Our
                  choice seems to be "Drive and Pay or Garage It and Save". In other
                  words
                  --NO win for us (THE PUBLIC).
                  Ray

                  ( The price war slacked off today and prices jumped 20 cents a gallon
                  to 1.50. It was good while it lasted though)




                  I just want to tell you how much I am enjoying your links and stuff
                  for
                  Email.
                  Some of the jokes are great too but the other stuff is better Thanks
                  Rita


                  Awhile back you had an address of the people trying to track down
                  dogtags from Vietnam and I lost it so hope you can print it or send
                  it to me. Thanks Cliff

                  Click here: FoundDogTags
                  http://www.founddogtags.com/index.html



                  Dear Buffalo,
                  I recieved an e-mail from my cousin about a website dedicated
                  to finding missing children. There is a phone number on the page and
                  I called it, and they said that the page is valid as they have the
                  names in there "books". I hope you put this in your next issue of
                  Buffalo Chips. Here is a copy of the e-mail.
                  Thanx,
                  Steven

                  "Please help me find my missing child."

                  How could I say no to the mother who emailed me and asked
                  me to forward to my readers her request for help? I couldn't
                  and I hope you won't refuse her either.
                  I created a new Web page that contains a picture of this mother's
                  missing child as well as other missing children. Please take a
                  minute to see if you recognize any of them.
                  You might think that this is useless, but it's not. Dozens
                  of missing children are located every month. When a child
                  disappears, he or she really can be found - as long as people
                  care enough to look.

                  This is very important! I urge you to do it now.

                  Go here: http://mailbits.com/goto/missingkid


                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                  Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
                • buffalos3@webtv.net
                  Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Sorry for the lateness of today s jokes but my
                  Message 8 of 20 , Aug 25, 2001
                  • 0 Attachment
                    Clean Clean


                    Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                    name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                    Sorry for the lateness of today's jokes but my brain ceased to
                    function last night at about 2 a.m. so I postponed finishing this
                    till after I had a few hours rest.
                    From the Sault Evening News 8-24-01

                    NEWBERRY -- A fugitive, missing since effecting an Aug. 3 escape
                    through an open window, was taken into custody Tuesday thanks to a
                    hastily-enlisted group of brave volunteers.

                    Iggy, an iguana who serves as the fifth-grade mascot for the
                    Tahquamenon Area Public Schools, had been missing for more than two
                    weeks when a passerby spotted the runaway reptile in a tree on
                    Tuesday.

                    Luce County Animal Control was sent to the scene where the department
                    received assistance from the Village of Newberry in the form of a
                    utility pole repair bucket truck. An unspecified number of
                    volunteers, armed with a safety net, assisted authorities in the
                    incident.

                    According to radio station WNBY, the 7-pound iguana was immediately
                    taken to a veterinarian where he was found to be in relatively good
                    health. Iggy's only ill-effect apparently arose from slight
                    dehydration.

                    Iggy will presumably be ready for the first day of school, Tuesday
                    Sept. 4, to welcome an incoming class of fifth-graders.


                    This brought back memories of several years ago catching on the
                    scanner
                    a report of an alligator in the street on South Ravine Street a few
                    blocks
                    from my apartment. This caught my attention because alligators are
                    not
                    exactly native to the Great Lakes. Animal control and the police were
                    dispatched to rescue the residents of the area and took into custody
                    a large
                    friendly Iguana that had once belonged to my sister Nancy. Nancy had
                    to give him away because like ALF the Alien the Iguana was suspected
                    of having developed a taste for cats. Since the County Jail didn't
                    have
                    an Iguana cell he was housed at a local pet store till his owner
                    could bail
                    him out heh heh. Hope you enjoy the chips and we will see you
                    tomorrow.






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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    College Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    There was a student who was desirous of taking
                    admission for a study course. He was smart enough
                    to get through the written test, a GD and was to appear
                    for the personal interview. Later, as the interview
                    progressed, the interviewer found this boy to be bright
                    since he could answer all the questions correctly. The
                    interviewer got impatient and decided to corner the boy.

                    "Tell me your choice," said he to the boy, "What's your
                    choice: I shall either ask you ten easy questions or ONE
                    real difficult. Think well before you make up your mind."

                    The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is ONE
                    real difficult question."

                    "Well, good luck to you, you have made your own choice!"
                    said the man on the opposite side. Tell me : What comes
                    first , Day or Night ?"

                    The boy was jolted first but he waited for a while and said:
                    "It's the DAY, sir."

                    "How ???????" the interviewer was smiling ("At last, I got
                    you!" he said to himself.)

                    "Sorry sir, you promised me that you will not ask me a
                    SECOND difficult question!"

                    Admission for the course was thus secured.

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                    Technology Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    "Everything that can be invented has been invented."
                    --Charles H. Duell, Office of Patents, 1899

                    "There will never be a bigger plane built."
                    --A Boeing engineer, after the first flight of the 247, a twin engine
                    plane
                    that carried ten people.

                    "Ours has been the first, and doubtless to be the last, to visit this
                    profitless locality."
                    -- Lt. Joseph Ives after visiting the Grand Canyon in 1861.

                    "There is not the slightest indication that nuclear energy will ever
                    be
                    obtainable. It would mean that the atom would have to be shattered at
                    will."
                    -- Albert Einstein, 1932

                    "We don't like their sound. Groups of guitars are on the way out."
                    --Decca executive, 1962, after turning down the Beatles.

                    "It will be years--not in my time--before a woman will become Prime
                    Minister."
                    --Margaret Thatcher, 1974

                    "With over 50 foreign cars already on sale here, the Japanese auto
                    industry
                    isn't likely to carve out a big slice of the US market."
                    --Business Week, August 2, 1968

                    "Computers may weigh no more than 1.5 tons."
                    --Popular Mechanics, 1949

                    "There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home."
                    --Ken Olson, president of Digital Equipment Corp. 1977

                    "This telephone' has too many shortcomings to be seriously
                    considered as a
                    means of communication."
                    --Western Union memo, 1876

                    "No imaginable commercial value. Who would pay for a message sent to
                    nobody in particular?"
                    --David Sarnoff's associates in response to his urging investment in
                    the
                    radio in the 1920's.

                    "Who wants to hear actors talk?"
                    --H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927.

                    "I'm just glad it'll be Clark Gable who's falling on his face and
                    not Gary
                    Cooper."
                    --Gary Cooper, after turning down the lead role in Gone With The Wind.

                    "Market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft
                    and
                    chewy cookies like you make."
                    --Response to Debbi Fields' idea of Mrs. Fields' Cookies

                    "We don't need you. You haven't got through college yet."
                    --Hewlett Packard excuse to Steve Jobs, who founded Apple Computers
                    instead.

                    "I think there's a world market for about five computers."
                    --Thomas J. Watson, chairman of the board of IBM.

                    "The bomb will never go off. I speak as an expert in explosives."
                    --Admiral William Leahy, U.S. Atomic Bomb Project.

                    "Airplanes are interesting toys, but they are of no military value
                    whatsoever."
                    --Marechal Ferdinand Fock, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de
                    Guerre

                    "Stocks have reached a permanently high plateau."
                    --Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929

                    "No matter what happens, the U.S. Navy is not going to be caught
                    napping."
                    --U.S. Secretary of Navy, December 4, 1941

                    "While theoretically and technically television may be feasible,
                    commercially and financially it is an impossibility."
                    --Lee DeForest, inventor

                    "Radio has no future. Heavier-than-air flying machines are
                    impossible.
                    X-rays will prove to be a hoax."
                    --William Thomson, Lord Kelvin English scientist, 1899


                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Toon Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Caution
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                    Happy Endings
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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Short Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    A man went to visit his doctor. "Doctor, my arm hurts bad. Can you
                    check
                    it out please?", the man pleads.

                    The doctor rolls up the man's sleeve and suddenly hears the arm talk.
                    "Hello Doctor," says the arm, "could you lend me twenty bucks please?
                    I'm desperate."

                    The doctor says, "Aha! I see the problem. Your arm is broke!"

                    ~~~~~~~

                    Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch
                    to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and
                    self-pitying. She moaned to her Mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.
                    The
                    whole world hates me!"

                    Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her
                    and
                    passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Lots of
                    people
                    don't even know you."

                    ~~~~

                    During a friendly argument, my husband asked me why I
                    married him in the first place.
                    "I was just stupid," I teased.
                    When he said he was happy to hear that,
                    I requested an explanation.

                    "People get divorced all the time because they fall out of
                    love," he said.
                    "But I've never heard of anybody falling out of stupid."


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                    Hunter Chips From Jim
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                    A couple of Oklahoma hunters are out in the woods when one of them
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                    There is a silence, then a shot is heard.....

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                    Mule Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    A city boy moved to the country and bought a mule from an old farmer
                    for
                    $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day. The next
                    day, the
                    farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I have some bad news. The mule
                    died."

                    "Well,then,just give me my money back."

                    "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

                    "OK, then. Just unload the mule."

                    "What ya gonna do with him?"

                    "I'm going to raffle him off."

                    "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

                    "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."

                    A month later the farmer met up with the city boy and asked, "Whatever
                    happened with that dead mule?"

                    "I raffled him off. I sold a hundred tickets at two dollars apiece
                    and made
                    a hundred and ninety-eight dollar profit."

                    "Didn't anyone complain?"

                    "Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back."

                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    There were three men at a bar. One guy got drunk and
                    started a fight with the other two men. The police came
                    and took the drunk guy to jail. The next day the man
                    went before the judge.
                    The judge asked the man, "Where do you work?"
                    The man said, "Here and there."
                    The judge asked the man, "What do you do for a living?"
                    The man said, "This and that."
                    The judge said, "Take him away."
                    The man said, "Wait, judge, when will I get out?"
                    The judge said, "Sooner or later..."




                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Oil Change Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Oil Change Instructions For Women:

                    1) Pull up to Jiffy-Lube when the mileage reaches 3,000 miles since
                    the last oil change.
                    2) Drink a cup of coffee.
                    3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly
                    maintained vehicle.

                    Money spent: Oil Change $20.00 Coffee 1.00 Total $21.00

                    ====================================================================
                    Oil Change Instructions For Men:

                    1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil,
                    filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
                    2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it
                    back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
                    3) Open a beer and drink it.
                    4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
                    5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
                    6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
                    7) Place drain pan under engine.
                    8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
                    9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
                    10) Unscrew drain plug.
                    11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in
                    process.
                    12) Clean up mess.
                    13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
                    14) Look for oil filter wrench.
                    15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
                    16) Beer.
                    17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change
                    tomorrow.
                    18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
                    19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step #18.
                    20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
                    21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
                    22) Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil
                    to gasket surface.
                    23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
                    24) Remember drain plug from step #11.
                    25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
                    26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
                    along with drain plug.
                    27) Drink beer.
                    28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
                    29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
                    30) Drink beer.
                    31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on
                    frame.
                    32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step #31.
                    33) Begin cussing fit.
                    34) Throw wrench.
                    35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December
                    (1992) in the left boob.
                    36) Beer.
                    37) Clean up hands! and forehead and bandage as required to stop
                    blood flow.
                    38) Beer.
                    39) Beer.
                    40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
                    41) Beer.
                    42) Lower car from jack stands.
                    43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
                    44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled
                    during step #23.
                    45) Beer.
                    46) Test drive car.
                    47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
                    48) Car gets impounded.
                    49) Make bail.
                    50) Get car from impound yard.

                    Money spent: Parts$50.00 DUI 2,500.00 Impound fee 75.00
                    Bail 1,500.00 Beer 25.00 Total-- $4,150.00

                    But you know the job was done right!!!





                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                    The Herbal Buffalo ( More Jokes after this section)
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Bus Chips
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Two girls boarded a crowded bus and one of them whispered to the
                    other,
                    "Watch me embarrass a man into giving me his seat."

                    Pushing her way through the crowd, she turned all her charms upon a
                    gentleman who looked like he might embarrass easily. "My dear Mr.
                    Wilson,"
                    she gushed, "Fancy meeting you on the bus. Am I glad to see you . Why,
                    you're almost a stranger. My, but I'm tired."

                    The sedate gentleman looked up at the girl. He had never seen her
                    before,
                    but he rose and said pleasantly, "Sit down, Mary my girl. It isn't
                    often I
                    see you on washday. No wonder you're tired. Being pregnant isn't
                    easy. By
                    the way, don't deliver the wash until Thursday. My wife is going to
                    the
                    District Attorney's office to see whether she can get your husband
                    out of
                    jail."



                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Parting Chips from Rose
                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                    A mother firefly was taking her children for a walk near dusk, and
                    they came to a dark woods. "All right, kids," she ordered, "line up,
                    and whatever happens, don't shine your light. There are owls in the
                    forest and they might fly down and eat you!"

                    The small fireflies did as they were told, with the youngest firefly
                    at
                    the end of the line. As they were moving carefully along, suddenly
                    the mother saw a light far back.

                    "Stop!" she whispered. "Who lit the light back there?"

                    "I did," admitted the youngster.

                    "You heard what I told you," scolded the mother. "Why did you
                    disobey?"

                    "Well," said the little one, "when you gotta glow, you gotta glow."




                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
                    From The Buffalos Mail Box

                    Hello. I enjoy your clean jokes newsletter, and usually forward it to
                    my wife so I don't sit and read most of it to her anyway.
                    I have a site I put up to brag on my father and some wood-and-
                    leather
                    chessboards he made. It is at:
                    http://www.geocities.com/wtpodunck/index.html
                    Father first started making these boards in the mid-to-early
                    1980's.
                    He has made a number of them with leather-covered frames. The
                    pictures I have
                    of the boards with wood frames are the most recent ones he has made.
                    Father
                    is retired from the woodworking company where I now work. What I can
                    do with
                    computers and programs, he can do - and more - with wood and leather.
                    He
                    originated the leather-inlays-on-desktops program at this company,
                    and was
                    for years the only one doing it on all such product they sold. He is
                    still
                    asked to come back part-time occasionally to fill in when the person
                    currently doing the leather work is off or assigned to another
                    project. My
                    opinion may be a bit biased, but he is still the best who has ever
                    done
                    leatherwork here. I am quite proud of my father and I put up the
                    website
                    initially as a way of showing some people with whom I was chatting
                    online
                    just what a magnificent chessboard I owned. My mother also does
                    crafts, and
                    an alphabet-block Christmas tree she made for me is on the site.



                    Buffalo- Love your ezine. All this talk about root beer is getting a
                    little
                    tiresome. I do NOT work in the soft drink or any related industry.
                    But people
                    need to realize that the more well known brands such as A&W (which is
                    great),
                    Hires, Dads, Mug, etc. are FAR from the best root beers out there.
                    There are
                    several smaller regional companies, similar to micro breweries for
                    beer, that
                    produce root beers that blow away the bigger more known brands. Just
                    a few
                    examples are AJ Stephans out of Boston, Olde Brooklyn out of NYC,
                    Hank's out
                    of Philadelphia, Henry Weinhard's (yes, the same company that brews
                    beer),
                    Pearson Brothers (forgot their location), Root 66 out of
                    Charlottesville,
                    Virginia, & several others. One of the most interesting ones is Tommy
                    Knockers, whose root beer is sweetened with maple syrup! But in my
                    all 47
                    years, living on both coasts, THE best root beer I've found is
                    produced in
                    Denver of all places. Stewarts is the brand & the flavor is simply
                    beyond
                    compare. They also produce a draft style cola which creates a "head"
                    when
                    poured, similar to root beer. But their root beer is the tops. Most
                    of these
                    companies have websites that are usually www."company name".com. Some
                    aren't
                    though unfortunately. Most big soda warehouse places will get
                    anything for
                    you if you're a regular. Most big cities already have places that
                    carry
                    regional brands despite they're not even being in a company's
                    particular
                    region. Galco's in Los Angeles, where I live, is a prime example. So
                    don't
                    get so hung up on A&W and such, when there's a whole world of root
                    beer out
                    there for us eficianados to explore. And its better root beer to
                    boot.

                    Howard


                    (All of this is true Howard but we are considering the total
                    experience .
                    Cruise night to a drive-in restaurant. Vintage cars parked beside you
                    and
                    rock and roll music playing on outside speakers. Car hops bringing
                    your
                    food out and swiping mugs while their backs are turned. It's not just
                    a root beer , It's an adventure, memories that you can tell your
                    grandchildren. You do have some great info there though and it may be
                    fun to have a rootbeer tasting party much like a wine tasting , a
                    tank of CO2 to quick chill glasses , maybe a case of Nehi and some
                    Mexican Dr. Pepper for those who don't like root beer just
                    an idea and no DD required.)


                    Hey Buffalo,

                    The special story this morning was truly one to touch the heart. My
                    father served 25 years in the Air Force. His uniform has many ribbons
                    on it, and I have often wondered where he earned them all and what
                    they were for. Trying to get him to tell me is the hard part. But one
                    thing is for sure... I am extremely proud of him for the years he put
                    in serving our country and helping to keep it free.
                    God bless those who serve int eh armed forces of our nation!!! They
                    truly are our special angels in this day and age!!!!
                    Mary Greeley
                    Wife of a USS COLE survivor



                    Got a story or want to say hi ? Buffalos3@...






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                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                    Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean
                  • buffalos3@webtv.net
                    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Some things you read in the paper just leave you
                    Message 9 of 20 , Sep 7, 2001
                    • 0 Attachment
                      Clean Clean


                      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                      Some things you read in the paper just leave you wondering, for
                      example
                      this item from Thursday's Evening News.

                      Barking dog

                      SAULT STE. MARIE -- City police were called to the 700 block of Fort
                      St. on two separate occasions to investigate a barking-dog complaint.
                      In the first visit, police found the animal was chained up but, on
                      the second visit, the black-and-white breed was off its chain.

                      During the investigation the dog began to display aggression forcing
                      the officer to employ three quick bursts of Freeze+P before
                      retreating to the safety of the patrol car.

                      The dog reportedly ran away prior to the arrival of Animal Control.

                      Police are seeking warrants for dog at large and excessive barking
                      against the apparent owner of the animal and are awaiting
                      authorization from the prosecutor's office in this matter.


                      I understood all of it except the Freeze+P part. This brings some
                      interesting
                      and disturbing thoughts . What exactly is P and how does it control
                      the animal ?
                      Does it tell the animal "Hey, I am bigger and I am marking this
                      territory!" or
                      does it make the animal stop and say," I can't believe you squirted
                      that stuff
                      at me." Inquiring minds want to know heh heh .

                      Hope you enjoy the chips.


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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Fire Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire
                      safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate
                      the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

                      "Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then
                      depress the trigger to release the foam."

                      Later an employee was selected to extinguish a controlled
                      fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull
                      the pin.

                      The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

                      In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin ....

                      and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.




                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Explosive Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                      A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory, and once
                      all the mess has been cleared up, and inquiry begins. One of
                      the few survivors is pulled up to make a statement. "Okay
                      Simpson," says the investigator, "you were near the scene,
                      what happened?"

                      "Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins was in the mixing
                      room, and I saw him take a cigarette out of his pocket and
                      light up."

                      "He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator said
                      in stunned horror, "How long had he been with the company?"

                      "About 20 years, sir"

                      "20 years in the company, then he goes and strikes a match
                      in the mixing room, it would have been the last thing he'd
                      have done."

                      "It was, sir."



                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Toon Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                      Can't Sleep, Huh?
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                      Totally Lost
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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Short Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

                      Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

                      "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong
                      way on
                      280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

                      "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

                      ~~~~~


                      Michael Johnson, the Olympic Gold Medal runner, was on his way to a
                      club
                      with some friends.

                      At the door, the bouncer turned to him and said "Sorry, mate, you
                      can't come in here -- no jeans."

                      Michael, quite annoyed at this, retorted, "Don't you know who I am?
                      I'm Michael Johnson."

                      "Well, then," the bouncer replied, "it won't take you long to run
                      home and change, will it?"

                      ~~~~~~

                      Hey, Bob! You say you're a songwriter?" Andy said.

                      "I sure am. Why, I've written songs for Michael
                      Jackson, Faith Hill, Ricky Martin, Britney Spears,
                      and Madonna." Bob said, modestly.

                      "Wow! Have all those stars sung your songs?"

                      "Well, actually, I didn't say they sang any of
                      them. I just said I wrote songs for them."



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                      Traffic Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      A young man was pulled over by the Mississippi State Police for
                      speeding.
                      The officer stepped out of his patrol car, adjusted his sunglasses,
                      and
                      swaggered up to the young man's window. "Why ya driving so fast for
                      boy? You
                      going to a fair? Let me see your license, boy." The young man handed
                      over
                      his license.

                      Then the officer noticed that the back seat of the car was full of
                      large
                      knives.
                      The officer said, "Tell me boy, why you got them knives on that there
                      back
                      seat?"

                      The young man replied, "Well sir, I'm a juggler."

                      The officer spat some tobacco juice and then he said, "A juggler;
                      well you
                      don't say.
                      Boy, put cha hands on the trunk of yer car; you going to jail!"

                      The young man pleaded with the officer not to take him to jail. He
                      offered
                      to prove to the officer that he was a juggler by way of
                      demonstration. He
                      said, "You can even hold me at gunpoint while I juggle for you." The
                      officer reluctantly allowed him to prove his point while he held him
                      at gunpoint.

                      Two miles down the road at Joe's Tavern, Billy Bub was drinking it up
                      with
                      Jerry Lee Jones. Billy Bub soon left and got into his old, rusty
                      pickup truck.
                      He proceeded down the road trying his best to stay on the right side.
                      All of a sudden Billy Bub spotted
                      the most unbelievable sight of his life! He drove to the nearest
                      phone booth
                      and dialed the number for Joe's Tavern and asked for his buddy, Jerry
                      Lee.

                      When Jerry Lee got on the phone, Billy Bub said, "Whatever you do
                      when you
                      leave that tavern, don't go north on route 109. The state police are
                      giving a
                      sobriety test that nobody can pass!"




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                      Darwin Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      DARWIN AWARDS NEWSLETTER -- 16 August 2001

                      ------------------------------------------------------------
                      DARWIN AWARDS honor the smoking remains of those who chlorinated
                      the gene pool by removing themselves from it in supremely idiotic
                      ways.

                      "Darwin Awards: Unnatural Selection"
                      ---------------------------------------------------------------
                      MORTAL INSULT -- Darwin Award Nominee

                      Snake Got Your Tongue? (1992, California)
                      Snakes flick their forked tongues in the air to "smell" the world,
                      collecting molecules then pressing the tips into small olfactory pits.
                      An inebriated twenty-year-old man took umbrage when a wild rattlesnake
                      stuck out its tongue at him. Tit for tat! He held the snake in front
                      of his face and stuck his tongue out right back at the rattler.

                      The snake expressed his displeasure at this turn of events by biting
                      the conveniently offered body part. The toxic venom swelled the man's
                      face and throat, choking him to death.

                      -Reference San Francisco Chronicle (confirmed)

                      --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+

                      WIPED OUT -- Darwin Award Nominee

                      It's still not clean! (4 September 1999, Tokyo, Japan)
                      Shoshi was a part-time janitor until his eagerness to do a good job
                      collided with an unhealthy inability to attend to his own safety.
                      The elevator he was cleaning had water leaking from its ceiling, so
                      he rode a second elevator up the shaft, climbed out its hidden side
                      door, and hopped on top of the first elevator. As he cleaned the
                      puddle
                      from the roof, the car rose to the top floor, fatally crushing him.
                      The 24-year-old had forgotten to turn off the leaking elevator before
                      wiping up the spill, leaving the roof messier than before.

                      Reference: Mainichi Daily News

                      --------------------------------------------+---+-+---+-+-+-+-+

                      ROB PETER TO PAY PAUL -- Honorable Mention

                      (16 July 2001, Union City, Tennessee) A woman ordered to pay off
                      $1100 in bad checks left the courthouse, drove to her hometown,
                      and pulled a gun on employees at the First State Bank. She fled
                      into a cornfield with $7000, eluded the hastily-organized search
                      party, and made her way back to Union City to pay her debt.

                      But given the small size of her hometown, with a population of 344,
                      it was inevitable that one of the tellers would recognize her.
                      Police were waiting at her home to arrest her and confiscate
                      the remainder of the money.

                      Reference: Boston Globe


                      Big Roger


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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                      The other day, I was sitting in a sports bar watching a baseball game,
                      and the guy sitting next to me leaned over and said, "You know, if
                      Jesus
                      had played baseball, he would have been the greatest baseball player
                      ever!"
                      I thought about it for a second and said to him, "You know, if Babe
                      Ruth
                      had been the Messiah, the Catholic's would have beer and hot dogs for
                      communion!"

                      Scott

                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      I Want Newsletters is Back

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                      Freebies, Web Links, Computing, Marketing,
                      Entertainment, Fun and Fantasy...
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                      list to cover it, sign up today at:
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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Short Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      As a history buff, I was thrilled to visit my German friend in his
                      home
                      country. Marveling at a stone bridge near the city of Worms, I asked
                      my
                      host, "Is this where Patton crossed the Rhine?"

                      "I'm not sure," he replied. "My history is different from yours."

                      ~~~~~

                      My 2 1/2-year-old niece, Kelli, went with her neighbor girl to church
                      for first Communion practice.
                      The pastor had the children cup their hands, and when he gave them the
                      Host -- in this case, a piece of bread -- he said, "God be with you."
                      Apparently this made quite an impression on my niece. She came home
                      and
                      told her mother to cup her hands and bend down. Kelli took a piece of
                      bread from her sandwich, placed it in her mother's hands, and
                      whispered
                      in her most angelic voice, "God will get you."

                      ~~~~~~~~

                      Q. What is the largest room in the world?
                      A. The room for improvement.

                      Q. Why do white sheep eat more than black sheep?
                      A. There are more of them.

                      I just saw a movie called "Prison Break." It was a cell-out.

                      Q. What is the strongest days?
                      A. Saturday and Sunday. All the others are weak days.

                      Q. What does Christmas and a day at the office have in common?
                      A. You do all the work, and a big fat man in a suit gets all the
                      credit.



                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                      The Herbal Buffalo ( More Jokes after this section)
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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Police Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      A police car with flashing lights pulled me over near the high school
                      where I teach. As the officer asked for my license and registration,
                      my students began to drive past. Some honked their horns, others
                      hooted, and still others stopped to admonish me for speeding.

                      Finally the officer asked me if I was a teacher at the school, and I
                      told him I was.

                      "I think you've paid your debt to society," he concluded with a smile,
                      and left without giving me a ticket.





                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      From The Buffalos Mail Box

                      Hi Bill,
                      Just wanted to tell you I'm an avid reader of your daily emails and
                      they've made me smile on almost every occasion! Also..have been
                      following the bits about the Armed Forces. They always seem to send
                      shivers down my spine. My son wanted to be a Naval Aviator since the
                      time he was 5 yrs old. His sense of patriotism and loyalty was
                      something
                      his family was most proud of. He tried getting into Annapolis and was
                      nominated twice but not appointed. He then joined the Navy, and was
                      accepted into the nuclear field with an offer to an elite nuclear
                      school
                      which was a stepping stone to an Officers Commission. He went in as an
                      E3. A week before he was to graduate boot camp at Great Lakes he
                      passed
                      away. I spoke to him the night before.. He had just won the Captain's
                      Cup for his division and was looking forward to our upcoming visit for
                      his graduation. I take some comfort in the fact he was doing what he
                      wanted to be doing when he passed away even though I will never fully
                      understand how or what happened as the Government has been less than
                      truthful with the events concerning his passing. Anyway...reading some
                      of the stories I have read here has once again given me that feeling
                      of
                      pride. I have the highest respect for the men and women who have
                      served
                      our country and the stories always remind me of my son. By the way,
                      this
                      happened in March of 98. Keep up the good work!
                      Fair

                      ( Dear Fair I was sorry to hear of the death of your son and I am
                      ashamed
                      that the Navy wasn't able to provide you a feeling of closure. I too
                      was
                      offered Nuclear Power School but at the time was unwilling to commit
                      to six years for the additional training. I am sure your son would
                      have
                      become an outstanding Engineering Duty Officer and I would have been
                      proud to serve with him. )


                      High Mass

                      Wrong Oh nosasmum!!

                      High Mass can be held whenever the correct event is called for. I
                      have a
                      cousin that became a nun on a Saturday There was no ceremony held on
                      Sunday
                      to follow this.

                      Dick


                      Dear Bill

                      LOL, me an altar girl, lord and lady no. I just happen to be in a
                      position
                      that those two particular words are known very well to me. And I
                      don't know
                      the incense, though it would be interesting to find out. Could store
                      it away
                      with all the rest of my Religious research.
                      Merry Part
                      Azrael
                      Lady of Sanctuary


                      I know you don't really want to get into religion, but 'nosamum'
                      isn't referring to a Roman Catholic Mass. Vatican II did away with
                      the High & Low Masses, as well as Latin, the Communion rail and the
                      priest facing the Tabernacle. A Mass is a Mass --period.
                      And by the way, I'm a gal, not a guy.
                      Francine

                      ( I am going to have to consult a higher source on this one, Mom and
                      Uncle
                      Tim who is right? )


                      Ahhhhhhhh Root beer

                      When talking about restaurants in our town the early drive-ins were
                      mentioned. One gent said they called the A & W the "Ask & Wait."
                      Mitzi from Monticello, Iowa

                      Comics
                      I was raised in Southern Illinois, about 8-10 miles from Sparta, the
                      home of
                      World publishing, which at one time printed most of the magazines and
                      comics
                      in the world.
                      When I was a kid, every store in the county had stacks of "factory
                      reject"
                      comics to be had in bundles of 10-20 for a nickel.
                      I knew kids that had stacks of comics bigger than their bed.
                      My little sister Phyllis was once shown as a character in a Superman
                      comic,
                      that showed Superman in Sparta Ill. Metropolis is about 150 mi.
                      south, down
                      next to Paducah Ky.
                      Spiderman was best. I always figured if he had trouble getting laid,
                      I had
                      an excuse too.

                      ( I got some really great mail yesterday and we will be posting it in
                      the next couple days .. If you would like to join in mail me at
                      Buffalos3@...



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                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Parting Chips
                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                      A little old lady sold pretzels on court street for
                      25 cents each. Every day a young lawyer would
                      leave the building at lunch time and, as he passed
                      her pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter,
                      but would never take a pretzel.

                      One day as he approached her stand she said
                      to him, "Sir, I have watched you for months,
                      going by my humble pretzel stand and leaving
                      me a quarter even though you do not take a
                      pretzel. Well, I really appreciate this, but I find it
                      hard to tell you...pretzels have increased to 35 cents...."



                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean



                      Tag-It

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                      but most useful items you will carry into the woods or field
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                    • buffalos3@webtv.net
                      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Looking back over my 49 years on earth and all of
                      Message 10 of 20 , Sep 14, 2001
                      • 0 Attachment
                        Clean Clean

                        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.



                        Looking back over my 49 years on earth and all of the events that have
                        occurred during that time the only other one that left me so full of
                        shock
                        and disbelief was the assassination of President Kennedy. I was in
                        sixth
                        grade then and television had not really made its way into the
                        classroom
                        at that point but every room had a big old AM radio for such things
                        as
                        music class that was broadcast to the whole school system one day a
                        week. Seconds after someone called the school every radio was on
                        and class was forgotten as we sat there in silence as the first
                        reports of
                        the President having been shot and being taken to the hospital
                        rolled in.
                        Even when the teacher left the room no one moved , we just sat there
                        praying that it wasn't true , that he was saved by the doctors or
                        that it
                        had all been someone's sick idea of a joke . It was neither and each
                        of
                        us walked away a little harder that day . Later we would feel less
                        affected
                        by the deaths of Robert Kennedy and Martin Luther King , the senseless
                        murders in the schools and the deaths of Oklahoma City . I was in
                        control of my emotions as long as it didn't happen in my back yard
                        or so I thought till this week . I was wrong ,it was possible to feel
                        the
                        emotions of that day 38 years ago all over again but I never in all my
                        nightmares have imagined how it could be done. Once in a lifetime is
                        too often to feel this feeling , no one deserves twice, I hope we
                        never
                        feel it again. I hope my words and humor does not offend. Take care
                        Buffalo


                        Today in Sault Ste. Marie
                        http://www.cupoftheday.com/

                        ~~~~~

                        Thought of The day


                        We could learn a lot from crayons:

                        some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have
                        weird names, and all are different colors....

                        but they all have to learn to live in the same box.

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                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        Religous Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        I was walking across a bridge one day, and I saw a man standing
                        on the edge, about to jump off. So I ran over and said, "Stop!
                        Don't do it!"

                        "Why shouldn't I?" he said.

                        I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

                        He said, "Like what?"

                        I said, "Well...are you religious or atheist?"

                        He said, "Religious."

                        I said, "Me too! Are you Christian or Buddhist?"

                        He said, "Christian."

                        I said, "Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

                        He said, "Protestant."

                        I said, "Me too! Are you Episcopalian or Baptist?"

                        He said, "Baptist!"

                        I said, "Wow! Me too! Are you Baptist Church of God or Baptist
                        Church of the Lord?"

                        He said, "Baptist Church of God!"

                        I said, "Me too! Are you original Baptist Church of God, or are
                        you Reformed Baptist Church of God?"

                        He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God!"

                        I said, "Me too! Are you Reformed Baptist Church of God,
                        reformation of 1879, or Reformed Baptist Church of God,
                        reformation of 1915?"

                        He said, "Reformed Baptist Church of God, reformation of 1915!"

                        I said, "Die, heretic scum!" and pushed him off.


                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        Psycho Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        A cop walking his usual beat sees an old man pulling a box on a
                        leash, down
                        a busy street. "Poor man," the cop thinks to himself. "I'd better go
                        humor
                        him."

                        "That' a nice dog you got there," says the cop to the old man.

                        "It isn't a dog, it's a box," replies the old man.

                        "Oh, I'm sorry," says the policeman, "I thought you were simple-
                        minded."

                        The old man walks past the cop, then turns to his box, and says, "We
                        sure
                        fooled him that time, didn't we, Rover?"


                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        Toon Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        College Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        Definitions From The College Dictionary


                        Cafeteria: From 2 Latin words, "cafe" meaning place to eat and "teria"
                        meaning to wretch.

                        Major: Area of study that no longer interest you.

                        Student Athlete: See "contradiction in terms."

                        Grade: Unrealistic and limited measure of academic accomplishment.

                        Summer School: A viable alternative to a summer job.

                        Quarter: The most coveted form of currency on campus.

                        Hunger: Condition produced by five minutes of continuous studying.




                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        Short Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        Fisherman: "Hey, pal! You've been standing there watching me fish for
                        three hours! Why don't you get a rod and reel and do some fishing
                        yourself?"

                        Onlooker: "No, thanks. I don't have the patience for it."

                        ~~~~~~~~


                        If you want to cut down on the number of relatives who are
                        hanging around, borrow money from the rich ones and lend
                        money to the ones who are poor. You will never see any of
                        them again."

                        ~~~~~

                        To get acquainted with his new Parish, the Priest decided to
                        call on some daily. One he selected was a young widow, her
                        husband, according to the index card, had died two years ago.

                        After knocking at the door, he was greeted by a young lady
                        with a baby in her arms. He said, "I'm sorry, I must have the
                        wrong address, I was looking for the widow Laffitte."

                        "You've found her Father." smiled the lady.

                        "Well, according to the card here, it says your husband died
                        over two years ago." he said glancing at the baby in her arms.

                        "That's correct Father, he surely did... but I didn't."

                        ~~~~~

                        I'm a LIFE-AND-CAREER coach, and one morning a prospective client
                        called
                        for an appointment. I asked him what he wanted to get out of our
                        sessions.

                        "Clarity," he said very firmly.

                        "And on what issues are you looking for clarity?" I probed.

                        "Well," he said in a less confident tone, "I don't know."






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                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        Baseball Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        Cathy the world's most avid baseball fan, a blond, had arrived
                        early at the stadium for the first game of the series between
                        local rival teams only to realize that she had left her ticket
                        at home. Not wanting to miss any of the first inning, she went
                        to the ticket booth and got in a long line for another seat.
                        After an hour's wait she was just a few feet from the booth when
                        a voice called out, "Hey, Linda!"

                        Cathy looked up, stepped out of line and tried to find the
                        owner of the voice -- with no success.

                        Then she realized she had lost her place in the line, and
                        had to go back to the end of the line and wait all over
                        again.

                        After she had purchased her ticket, she was thirsty, so she
                        went to buy a beer. The line at the concession stand was
                        also very long. But since the game hadn't started she decided
                        to wait. Just as she got to the window, a voice called out
                        "Hey, Linda!"

                        Again Cathy tried to find the voice and got out of line as she
                        wandered looking for the owner of the voice. But no luck.

                        Cathy was very upset as she got back in line for her beer.

                        Finally she had her beer and took her seat eager for the game
                        to begin. As she waited for the first pitch, she heard the
                        voice calling, "Hey, Linda!" once more.

                        Furious, Cathy stood up and yelled a the top of her lungs,

                        "My name isn't Linda!"



                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                        LynnLynn's Links



                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        A young boy had just gotten his driving permit. He asked his
                        father, who was a rabbi, if they could discuss his use of the
                        family car. His father took him into his study and said: "I'll
                        make a deal with you my son. You bring your grades up, study
                        your Talmud a little, get a hair cut and then we'll talk about it."

                        After a month, the boy came back and again asked his father if
                        they could discuss his use of the car. They again went into the
                        father's study where the father said: "Son, I've been very proud
                        of you. You have brought your grades up dramatically, you've studied
                        the Talmud diligently, but you didn't get your hair cut?"

                        The young man waited a moment and then replied: " You know Dad, I've
                        been thinking about that. You know Samson had long hair, Moses had
                        long
                        hair, Noah had long hair, and even Jesus the son of God had long hair.
                        So I thought why change tradition?"

                        The rabbi answered calmly: "Yes, and as tradition shows, they all
                        walked
                        everywhere they went."

                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        Dating Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        A guy walks into a bookstore. Not looking for anything in particular.
                        On
                        his way to the back of the store, he spots something of interest. A
                        book,
                        with a very interesting title, "Dating for the New Millennium. What
                        Women
                        Want." So he picks it up and opens it to a random page.

                        "Chapter 1 The First Date."

                        So, he glances the chapter over for a few minutes, and rushes out of
                        the
                        bookstore to call a friend whom he's wanted to ask out for quite a
                        while.

                        When he gets home, picks up the phone and calls her. She
                        answers, "Hello?"
                        He says, "Hi, Jessica? It's me. Listen, I was wondering if you would
                        want
                        to go see a movie with me tonight?"

                        She says, "Sure, I don't see anything wrong with that." He gets
                        excited. He thought she'd say, "No Way!" but she didn't. So, he
                        decided to take it one step further.

                        He asks, "Great, well how about dinner before the movie?" She
                        replies,
                        "Sure, that would be great too!"

                        "Fine, I'll pick you up about 9, you should have finished eating
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                        Newlywed Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        Dear Diary,

                        Monday: Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home.
                        It's fun to cook for Bob. Today I made angel food cake. The recipe
                        said, "Beat 12 eggs separately." The neighbors were nice enough
                        to loan me some extra bowls."


                        Tuesday: Bob wanted fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "Serve
                        without dressing." So I didn't dress. What a surprise when Bob brought
                        a friend home for supper.


                        Wednesday: A good day for rice. Recipe said, "Wash thoroughly
                        before steaming the rice." It seemed kind of silly but I took a bath.
                        I can't say it improved the rice any.


                        Thursday: Today Bob asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe.
                        It said, "Prepare ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour
                        before serving." Which is what led up to Bob asking me why I was
                        rolling around in the garden.


                        Friday: I found an easy recipe for biscuits. It said, "Put all
                        ingredients
                        in bowl and beat it." There must have been something wrong with this
                        recipe. When I got back, everything was the same as when I left.


                        Saturday: Bob did the shopping today and brought home a chicken.
                        He asked me to dress it for Sunday. (oh boy) For some reason Bob
                        keeps counting to ten.


                        Sunday: Bob's folks came to dinner. I wanted to serve roast.
                        All I could find was hamburger. Suddenly I had a flash of genius.
                        I put the hamburger in the oven and set the controls for roast.
                        It still came out hamburger, much to my disappointment.


                        This has been a very exciting week. I am eager for tomorrow to
                        come so I can try out a new recipe on Bob. If we could just get
                        a bigger oven, I would like to surprise him with "Chocolate Moose".

                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                        From The Buffalos Mail Box


                        You DID get a lot of mail. This had been returned to me.
                        ----------------------------------------------------------------------


                        My 8 year old granddaughter got off the school bus at my
                        house last night. Coming in the door she said, "We had a policeman
                        driving our bus tonight. I guess all the buses had policemen
                        driving them so we wouldn't get hi-jacked."

                        Actually the police chief in our small town is also a
                        substitute bus driver and he was taking the place of the regular
                        driver.

                        But how sad that little children should even have to worry
                        about their school bus being hi-jacked!

                        I was a small child when the Lindberg baby was kidnapped and
                        , even though I never once said anything to my parents, I lived in
                        terror every night when I went to bed, watching the window to see if
                        kidnappers would come after me.

                        Because of this I always am concerned about what children
                        may be thinking and worrying about without their parents realizing
                        their fears.

                        Parents, please hug your children and reassure them that
                        they are safe with you.

                        Mitzi

                        P.S. Thanks, not only for the jokes but also for you interesting
                        commentary before them.


                        Buffalo;
                        Been getting your stuff for about a year. Sorry I wasn't a swabbie,
                        I was a grunt, but hey, we were on the same side right, usually this
                        is, just not in bars. I call around a lot in the course of my
                        business day, including Canada. Everyone I've spoken to up there has
                        expressed their disbelief and regrets. Thanks to all of them. I've
                        a cousin who is a policeman working around Cork Ireland. He emailed
                        me the day after the attacks and expressed his sorrow at what
                        happened and that none of his mates or he felt that it could ever
                        have happened in the States, they were glued to the tv in the
                        station, watching what happened on CNN. He has many people he met
                        from the New York PD and Fire. Even a ocean away, people are
                        concerned about what happened here and worried about friends and
                        relatives. Keep up the good work, you keep a good watch!
                        RWY

                        ( One of these days when they discover who was behind this and where
                        he is
                        he is really going to regret the fact that Navy, Marines, Army, and
                        Air Force
                        are all on the same side. It is not our job to judge, just to deliver
                        him to his
                        higher power so he may be judged.)



                        My 5c on the US National Day of Mourning and Gordon Sinclair's
                        Broadcast.


                        Many of you will have received a copy of the article by Gordon
                        Sinclair, the Canadian radio newscaster. He wrote and broadcast this
                        in 1973, six months after the end of the Vietnam War and during a
                        time when pundits were analysing the US's role in that conflict and
                        being strongly critical.


                        On June 5 1973, Canadian radio commentator Gordon Sinclair decided
                        he'd had enough of the stream of criticism and negative press
                        recently directed at the United States of America by foreign
                        journalists (primarily over America's long military involvement in
                        Vietnam, which had ended with the signing of the Paris Peace Accords
                        six months earlier). When he arrived at radio station CFRB in Toronto
                        that morning, he spent twenty minutes dashing off a two-page
                        editorial defending the USA against its carping critics which he then
                        delivered in a defiant, indignant tone during his "Let's Be Personal"
                        spot at 11:45 AM that day.


                        The unusualness of any foreign correspondent -- even one from a
                        country with such close ties to the USA as Canada -- delivering such
                        a caustic commentary about those who would dare to criticize the USA
                        is best demonstrated by the fact that even thirty years later, many
                        Americans doubt that this piece (which has been circulating on the
                        Internet in the slightly-altered form quoted above as
                        something "recently" printed in a Toronto newspaper) is real. It is
                        real, and it received a great deal of attention in its day.



                        After Sinclair's editorial was rebroadcast by a few American radio
                        stations, it spread like wildfire all over the country. It was played
                        again and again (often superimposed over a piece of inspirational
                        music such as "Battle Hymn of the Republic" or "Bridge Over Troubled
                        Waters"), read into the Congressional Record multiple times, and
                        finally released on a record (titled "The Americans"), with all
                        royalties donated to the American Red Cross. (A Detroit radio
                        broadcaster named Byron MacGregor recorded and released an
                        unauthorized version of the piece which hit the record stores before
                        Sinclair's official version; an infringement suit was avoided when
                        MacGregor agreed to donate his profits to the Red Cross as well).



                        Sinclair passed away in 1984, but he will long be remembered on both
                        sides of the U.S.-Canadian border -- both for his contributions to
                        journalism, and for his loudly proclaiming what no one else at the
                        time would stand up and say.



                        Sinclair's article was timely, even though in its anger he was not
                        entirely accurate in his main contention - that America had stood
                        alone always - and it helped some Americans sort their perspectives
                        into some sort of order after many of them had questioned the reason
                        for their involvement of what they perceived as a foreign war, and
                        questioned their role, and many of their own nation had become
                        outspoken critics of their involvement in the war.


                        What he many believed to be true at that time, in the heat of the
                        moment, has not remained true, if ever it was, for many nations have
                        stood side by side with the US in many conflicts and suffered just as
                        much as has the US, their allies.


                        As then, the US does not stand alone today. Great Britain is closed
                        today, and a three-minute silence has already been kept nationwide,
                        as your friends and sympathisers, including British Muslims, British,
                        Jews, British nothings, rich and poor, those from every political
                        persuasion, and Britons from almost every part of that once extensive
                        Empire that is now resolved into the British Commonwealth of Nations,
                        stood silent except for their weeping, and showed their solidarity
                        with the American people.


                        Yesterday, at the Changing of the Guard at Buckingham Palace, Her
                        Majesty Queen Elizabeth II ordered the military band to play the
                        USA's national anthem, an unprecedented event.


                        Even in what may seem to be distant Europe, all business has been
                        suspended today in memory and as an act of mourning and solidarity
                        with those who are in any way affected by this act of war, and in the
                        days and months that are to come as the long arm of justice and
                        retribution reach into every place wherein hide those responsible for
                        this and other mindless acts of savagery, you will find that Great
                        Britain will stand foursquare to their American friends, with whom
                        they enjoy a special relationship, and that all European nations will
                        stand together with you on this.


                        We weep with you, we mourn with you, and while we stand ready to help
                        in all ways possible to deal with the perpetrators, we want you to
                        know that you are not alone.


                        Let your faith in God remain strong, and look to your friends; we
                        will not abandon you to fight this alone.


                        God bless America.


                        Ronnie Bray

                        (Englishman - resident alien husband of Gay Bray - American)



                        A well written response to Tuesdays terrorist attack.
                        The barbarians will learn what America's all about


                        The Barbarians

                        By Leonard Pitts Jr. / Syndicated columnist

                        They pay me to tease shades of meaning from social and cultural
                        issues, to provide words that help make sense of that which
                        troubles the American soul. But in this moment of airless shock
                        when hot tears sting disbelieving eyes, the only thing I can find
                        to say, the only words that seem to fit, must be addressed to the
                        unknown author of this suffering.

                        You monster. You beast. You unspeakable bastard.

                        What lesson did you hope to teach us by your coward's attack on
                        our World Trade Center, our Pentagon, us? What was it you hoped
                        we would learn? Whatever it was, please know that you failed.
                        Did you want us to respect your cause? You just damned your cause.

                        Did you want to make us fear? You just steeled our resolve.
                        Did you want to tear us apart? You just brought us together.
                        Let me tell you about my people. We are a vast and quarrelsome
                        family, a family rent by racial, cultural, political and class
                        division, but a family nonetheless. We're frivolous, yes, capable
                        of expending tremendous emotional energy on pop cultural minutiae,
                        a singer's revealing dress, a ball team's misfortune, a cartoon
                        mouse.
                        We're wealthy, too, spoiled by the ready availability of trinkets
                        and material goods, and maybe because of that, we walk through life
                        with a certain sense of blithe entitlement.

                        We are fundamentally decent, though - peace-loving and
                        compassionate.
                        We struggle to know the right thing and to do it. And we are, the
                        overwhelming majority of us, people of faith, believers in a just and
                        loving God.

                        Some people - you, perhaps - think that any or all of this makes us
                        weak. You're mistaken. We are not weak. Indeed, we are strong in
                        ways that cannot be measured by arsenals. Yes, we're in pain now.
                        We are in mourning and we are in shock. We're still grappling with
                        the unreality of the awful thing you did, still working to make
                        ourselves understand that this isn't a special effect from som
                        Hollywood blockbuster, isn't the plot development from a Tom Clancy
                        novel.

                        Both in terms of the awful scope of its ambition and the probable
                        finaldeath toll, your attacks are likely to go down as the worst acts
                        of terrorism in thehistory of the United States and, indeed, the
                        history of the world.

                        You've bloodied us as we have never been bloodied before. But
                        there's a gulf of difference between making us bloody and making us
                        fall. This is the lesson Japan was taught to its bitter sorrow the
                        last time anyone hit us this hard, the last time anyone brought us
                        such abrupt and monumental pain. When roused, we are righteous in
                        our outrage, terrible in our force.

                        When provoked by this level of barbarism, we will bear any suffering,
                        pay any cost, go to any length, in the pursuit of justice. I tell
                        you this without fear of contradiction. I know my people, as you, I
                        think, do not. What I know reassures me. It also causes me to tremble
                        with dread of the future.

                        In days to come, there will be recrimination and accusation, fingers
                        pointing to determine whose failure allowed this to happen and what
                        can be done to prevent it from happening again. There will be
                        heightened security, misguided talk of revoking basic freedoms.
                        We'll go forward from this moment sobered, chastened, sad. But
                        determined, too. Unimaginably determined. You see, there is steel
                        beneath this velvet. That aspect of our character is seldom
                        understood by people who don't know us well. On this day, the
                        family's bickering is put on hold. As Americans we will weep, as
                        Americans we will mourn, and as Americans, we will rise in defense
                        of all that we cherish.

                        Still, I keep wondering what it was you hoped to teach us. It occurs
                        to me that maybe you just wanted us to know the depths of your
                        hatred.
                        If that's the case, consider the message received.
                        And take this message in exchange:
                        You don't know my people. You don't know what we're about. You don't
                        know what you just started. But you're about to learn.

                        Aulikki


                        Hello Buffalo,

                        What has happened in New York is to say the least tragic and beyond
                        belief. Everyone's lives have been affected in some way or another by
                        this barbaric act.

                        What I am having a problem with now are the hypocrites coming out of
                        the woodwork waving flags and being mister patriotic. Why does it
                        take something like this to get people all railed up. These are the
                        same people that you saw at a sporting event who stands when the
                        anthem is played but don't even take their hats off and are shooting
                        the breeze rather than being quite (or singing) and showing respect.
                        I also have a real problem with the singers who feel they have to
                        jazz up the National Anthem to sound "cool". Damn it, the music was
                        not written that way so sing it like it was intended. You don't have
                        to wear a flag or hang one outside to be patriotic, it's your actions
                        that should show your patriotism. Most Americans don't even know the
                        proper way to display the flag, handle it or even fly it at half
                        staff. FYI When you fly a flag at half staff it is ALWAYS raised all
                        the way to the top and then lowered to half way. When taken down you
                        bring it all the way to the top and then lowered, making sure it
                        NEVER touches the ground and for Gods sake fold it correctly not just
                        ball it up.

                        And another thing, (thought I was done huh), I am SICK AND TIRED of
                        people adding titles to themselves. You are NOT an African American,
                        Mexican American, or Asian American you are an AMERICAN period. I
                        don't call myself a Wisconsin American or a French American or a
                        White American for crying out load. Nor would I keep calling myself a
                        White Man or a White Women. These kind of "handles" must stop if we
                        want to be a United States. If I moved to Italy would I dare call
                        myself an American Italian? One would hear, "You're a WHAT?" No I've
                        had it with anyone who calls themselves anything other than American,
                        love it or leave it.

                        Peace and love.

                        Alibi


                        After you scroll down thru these photos I am pretty sure
                        you will want to save this on disk for your kids and grandkids..
                        Tom


                        http://www.artbell.com/letters21.html


                        Dear Buffalo
                        I can't say that I can begin to understand what the people in those
                        buildings were thinking as they were hit. I can't say that I know
                        what the cowards who brought this upon us had going through their
                        heads. I do, however, know that this will be avenged. Nothing of this
                        magnitude has ever happened in American history, and I pray to God it
                        never will again. We were unprepared for it. We were unprepared for
                        the United Nations bombing a few years ago. We are continually
                        getting bitch slapped, and then asking for more. If this is not taken
                        care of, and quickly, we will only lose more innocent American lives.
                        I heard reports of Palestinians dancing and celebrating in the
                        streets, praising God for this. I would love to bomb them in the way
                        we have been attacked, and then see how much they're celebrating.
                        Call me vengeful if you will, but this was unthinkable. The absolute
                        terror the people on those planes had to have felt is unfathomable to
                        me. I simply can't imagine myself in that situation, and I pray for
                        the souls of the men who took control of the plane that crashed in
                        Pennsylvania. They knew they were going to die, but they wouldn't
                        allow these terrorists to kill more people. Had those men not taken
                        action, we might have lost thousands more people. I have heard talk
                        of this being the start of World War Three, and that if it is, then
                        life isn't going to be the same. To them, I say, life has already
                        changed. Never again will we be completely safe. If men with ordinary
                        razor blades can cause horror and destruction of this magnitude, then
                        nothing in the world is safe. No amount of safety measures in the
                        world can stop somebody if he or she is intent on doing something.
                        They will figure out a way.
                        Sara Holbrook


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                        Parting Chips
                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                        A meek little fellow in a restaurant timidly touched the arm
                        of a man putting on an overcoat. "Excuse me," he said, "but
                        do you happen to be Mr. Smith of Newport?"

                        "No, I'm not," answered the man impatiently.

                        "Oh, well you see," continued the first man, "I am, and that's
                        his overcoat you're putting on."





                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                      • buffalos3@webtv.net
                        Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Sometimes I receive a story that shows the respect
                        Message 11 of 20 , Sep 29, 2001
                        • 0 Attachment
                          Clean Clean

                          Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                          name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                          Sometimes I receive a story that shows the respect and pride that I
                          hold for the Navy so much better than I can. This piece from our
                          friend Dick Anderson does just that


                          Subject: FW: Attention to Port!


                          I got this from an former shipmate of mine from the Patrol Squadron-
                          68.
                          It is really worth reading and gives you an active duty sailor's
                          perspective of current events.

                          -----Original Message----- From:
                          Sent: Tuesday, September 25, 2001 6:24 AM Subject: Attention to Port!


                          From: Gittelman, CWO2 Sent: Sunday, September 23, 2001 8:18 PM
                          To: 'STEPHEN CEDAR' Subject: FW: Attention to Port!

                          Steve, Underway and on the watch. I'm okay, can't say much about
                          where we are or what we're doing. Just wanted to thank you for your
                          good wishes. Below is an excellent email I received today. It
                          wasn't reported on the news, but it should have been.

                          Stay in touch, Wayne
                          ----------------------------------------------------------------------
                          ----
                          --------------------- Dear Dad, Well, we are still out at sea, with
                          little direction as to what our next priority is. The remainder of
                          our port visits, which were to be centered around max liberty and
                          goodwill to the United Kingdom, have all but been cancelled. We have
                          spent every day since the attacks going back and forth within
                          imaginary boxes drawn in the ocean, standing high-security watches,
                          and trying to make the best of our time. It hasn't been that fun I
                          must confess, and to be even more honest, a lot of people are
                          frustrated at the fact that they either can't be home, or we don't
                          have more direction right now. We have seen the articles and the
                          photographs, and they are sickening. Being isolated as we are, I
                          don't think we appreciate the full scope of what is happening back
                          home, but we are definitely feeling the effects.
                          About two hours ago the junior officers were called to the bridge to
                          conduct Shiphandling drills. We were about to do a man overboard
                          when we got a call from the LUTJENS(D185), a German warship that was
                          moored ahead of us on the pier in Plymouth, England. While in port,
                          the WINSTON S CHURCHILL and the LUTJENS got together for a sports
                          day/cookout on our fantail, and we made some pretty good friends.
                          Now at sea they called over on bridge-to-bridge,requesting to pass us
                          close up on our port side, to say goodbye. We prepared to render
                          them honors on the bridgewing, and the Captain told the crew to come
                          topside to wish them farewell. As they were making their approach,
                          our Conning Officer announced through her binoculars that they were
                          flying an American flag. As they came even closer, we saw that it
                          was flying at half-mast.
                          The bridgewing was crowded with people as the Boatswain's Mate blew
                          two whistles- Attention to Port- the ship came up alongside and we
                          saw that the entire crew of the German ship were manning the rails,
                          in their dress blues. They had made up a sign that was displayed on
                          the side that read "We Stand By You".
                          Needless to say there was not a dry eye on the bridge as they stayed
                          alongside us for a few minutes and we cut our salutes. It was
                          probably the most powerful thing I have seen in my entire life and
                          more than a few of us fought to retain our composure. It was a
                          beautiful day outside today.
                          We are no longer at liberty to divulge over unsecure e-mail our
                          location, but we could not have asked for a finer day at sea. The
                          German Navy did an incredible thing for this crew, and it has truly
                          been the highest point in the days since the attacks. It's amazing
                          to think that only a half-century ago things were quite different,and
                          to see the unity that is being demonstrated throughout Europe and the
                          world makes usall feel proud to be out here doing our job.
                          After the ship pulled away and we prepared to begin our man overboard
                          drills the Officer of the Deck turned to me and said "I'm staying
                          Navy."
                          I'll write you when I know more about when I'll be home, but for now,
                          this is probably the best news that I could send you. Love you guys.

                          I hope you enjoy the chips today, I'm going back to bed.


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                          Groaner Chips
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                          A librarian is working away at her desk when she notices that a
                          chicken
                          has come into the library and is patiently waiting in front of the
                          desk.
                          When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's attention, it
                          squawks,
                          "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

                          The librarian complies, putting a couple of books down in front of the
                          chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and disappears.

                          The next day, the librarian is again disturbed by the same chicken,
                          who
                          puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk and again
                          squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"

                          The librarian shakes her head, wondering what the chicken is doing
                          with
                          these books, but eventually finds some more books for the chicken. The
                          chicken disappears.

                          The next day, the librarian is once again disturbed by the chicken,
                          who
                          squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it seems), "Book, book, book,
                          BOOK!"

                          By now, the librarian's curiosity has gotten the better of her, so she
                          gets a pile of books for the chicken, and follows the bird when it
                          leaves the library.

                          She follows it through the parking lot, down the street for several
                          blocks, and finally into a large park. The chicken disappears into a
                          small grove of trees, and the librarian follows.

                          On the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has
                          stopped
                          on the side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries
                          over and sees that there is a small frog next to the chicken,
                          examining
                          each book, one at a time. The librarian comes within earshot just in
                          time to hear the frog saying, "Read it, read it, read it..."



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                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          Short Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          A vintage car buff had broken down and a fellow in a Porsche offered
                          to tow him, "But," he said, "I'm in a hurry. If you see a police car,
                          give a hoot."

                          A little while later a traffic policeman returned to his base. "I
                          thought I'd seen everything," he said, "but today I give up. I was
                          chasing this vintage car at 120 kilometres, but when I started my
                          siren, the crazy guy starts tooting to overtake a Porsche."

                          ~~~

                          After reading an ad offering split, dry firewood for $60 a
                          cord, including delivery, Ernie phoned in an order.
                          During the drop-off, though, Ernie became upset.
                          "That's not a full cord of wood," he objected.

                          "That's what I call a cord," the man answered firmly.

                          Grudgingly, Ernie fished around in his pocket and thrust some
                          bills into the man's hands.

                          "Hey, wait a minute," the woodsman complained after counting
                          the money.
                          "You only gave me $30."

                          With a shrug of the shoulders, Ernie replied,
                          "That's what I call $60."


                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          Mess Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          The Chaplain had been assigned to the ship and he noticed how much
                          grief
                          the cooks (Mess Specialsts) caught from the crew and how they gave
                          back as
                          much as they got. He talked to the Food Service Officer and decided
                          to talk
                          to the cooks and get them to be more cheerful when they served the
                          meals to
                          the sailors coming down the line. A smile and a cheerful comment, a
                          willingess to serve them will reap great benefits he told them. After
                          his
                          pep talk the Food Service Officer and the Chaplain stood back and
                          watched
                          the food being served.

                          A new sailor aboard walked down the line but he didn't like anything
                          he saw
                          so he just carried his tray down the line till he got to the desert
                          section.
                          He picked up a saucer containing a large piece of chocolate cake.

                          The Mess Specialist looked at him, "Is that all you're gonna eat," he
                          asked.
                          The sailor said, "yea, the rest of it don't look too appetizing."

                          "The Mess Specialist smiled and said, "well in that case would you
                          like two
                          pieces of cake."

                          The Chaplain smiled and hit the Food Service Officer in the ribs, "I
                          told
                          you my talk did them some good."

                          The kid said, "yea man, I'd appreciate it."

                          The cook leaned over and cut the piece of cake on his tray in
                          half, "I hope
                          you enjoy them," he said as he walked back into the galley laughing.


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                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          Insensitive Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          A Marine Drill Sergeant, known for his insensitivity and tough
                          demeanour, during roll call one day ended his talk with, "Oh, by the
                          way, Kowalski, your mother died last night."

                          A couple of weeks later, he told another troop in the same
                          manner, "Don't bother calling home this week Johnson, your house
                          burned down last night and killed your entire family."

                          Word of these incidents leaked to the Commanding Officer, who called
                          in Sergeant Pyrczkovich and counselled him, instructing him to be a
                          bit more sensitive to the men.

                          So, after receiving news of the death of Private Lazinsky's
                          grandmother, he decided to try another ploy. "Okay, men. Everyone
                          whose grandmother is still alive, take one step forward. Not so fast,
                          Lazinsky..."


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                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          Short Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          A bald man took a seat in a beauty salon. "How can I help you?" asked
                          the stylist.

                          "I went for a hair transplant," the man explained, "but I couldn't
                          stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without
                          causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5000."

                          "No problem," said the stylist, and she quickly shaved her head.

                          ~~~~

                          Tourists picked up a 9 year old boy walking along a dirt road, soaked
                          to the skin and very cold. "How did this happen," they asked.

                          "Well every night my old man drives me down to the lake and rows out
                          to the middle and throws me in. I have to swim to shore and walk all
                          the way home."

                          "That's got to be hard on a little fellow like you."

                          "Nah", he says, "gettin' outta the bag is the hard part."

                          ~~~~

                          The navy psychiatrist was interviewing a potential sailor. To check
                          on the young man's response to trouble, the psychiatrist asked, "What
                          would you do if you looked out of that window right now and saw a
                          battleship coming down the street?"

                          The baby sailor said, "I'd grab a torpedo and sink it."

                          "Where would you get the torpedo?"

                          "The same place you got your battleship!"



                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear
                          day,the copilot was providing his passengers with a running
                          commentary about landmarks over the PA system.

                          "Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which
                          is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed
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                          "Wow! It just missed the highway!"


                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          Doctor Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          Have you noticed that when you go to the doctor he seems to ask the
                          same questions. Here are a few of the questions and what the really
                          mean.

                          What they say; It could be one of several things.

                          What they mean; I haven't the foggiest idea what's wrong with you.

                          What they say; Are you sure you haven't had this before?

                          What they mean; Because you've got it again.

                          What they say; I'd like to run that test again.

                          What they mean; The lab lost your blood sample.

                          What they say; Insurance should cover most of this.

                          What they mean; You'll have to sell your house to cover the rest.

                          What they say; These pills have a few side effects.

                          What they mean; You may experience sudden hair growth on your palms.

                          What they say; Why don't you go over your symptoms with me one more
                          time.

                          What they mean; I can't remember who you are.

                          What they say; There's a lot of this going around.

                          What they mean; And we'll give it a name as soon as we work out what
                          it is.


                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                          Ebola Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          A man returns from Africa feeling very ill. He visits his
                          doctor, who immediately rushes the guy to the Mayo Clinic.
                          The man wakes up to the ringing of a telephone in a stark
                          room at the hospital and answers it.

                          "We've received the results from your tests," says the
                          doctor on the other end of the line. "Bad news - you have
                          Ebola."

                          "Oh, my God," cries the man. "Doc! What am I going to do?"

                          "Don't worry. First, we're going to put you on a diet of
                          pizza, pancakes, and pita bread," says the doctor.

                          "Will that cure me?"

                          "No, but it's the only food we'll be able to get under the
                          door."

                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          From The Buffalos Mail Box

                          Chicken

                          Hi I was in a KFC a while back and ordered a 15 piece bucket . Yes
                          you gessed it when I got home there was only 12 pieces in the bucket.
                          (no I didnt eat them). As it was only 3 blocks away I went right back
                          and asked to see the manager. He came out and I told him I was 3
                          pieces short on my bucket. He turned to the girl at the counter and
                          asked was Rachel filling orders agin . She said yes ,he said dont let
                          her count anymore. He smiled put a few pieces of chicken in the
                          bucket and says I sure am sorry. By that time I was laughing my ass
                          off . Its still my favorite when it comes to chicken. She didnt make
                          change thank goodness.
                          AConti

                          Walmart

                          Bill,
                          Last year Walmart made $7.8billion profit on $118 billion in sales
                          according to a site I just visited on the internet. That comes from
                          operating sweat shops in other countries using kids under 12 years
                          of age making $16 a month working 12-16 hr days 7 days a week.
                          Just for the ladys information about putting Americans out of work
                          I have even more news for her. Those Americans at one time were
                          operating the Mom and Pop stores across the country that were
                          forced out of business by Walmart. Now they are working for
                          minimum wages and less than 40 hrs a week to prevent showing
                          up as full time employees and collecting benefits..
                          A few years ago a group of concerned citizens in Austin Tx picketed
                          their Walmart store attempting to get answers to: Does Walmart
                          operate sweat shops? Does Walmart have forced child labor? None
                          of these questions were ever answered..
                          As far as I am concerned I would like to see all of them shut down.
                          Also if you notice nearly every town has a old Walmart store sitting
                          idle cluttering up a neighborhood as they moved to suburbs with lower
                          taxes. Cities and Counties think they are getting a bargain getting a
                          Walmart Store, in the long run they aren't what they bargained for.
                          Tom

                          Hey Bill, for the longest time I didn't read the mailbox stuff. I did
                          miss
                          the "parting joke" tho. Then this whole thing started with Carole and
                          Wal-Mart. They recently opened the biggest one in the state not far
                          from
                          where I live. Like some others I won't go there unless it's the only
                          place
                          to get what I need. My reason for writing is that no one seems to
                          remember
                          that "Carole" requested you to UN-subscribe her she missed all
                          comments from
                          all of us. I'll say thanks, one last thing for a few days I didn't
                          receive
                          any chips. Monday through Wednesday?
                          Ron~
                          Milwaukee WI

                          (My Hotmail has been having problems too. I couldn't even log on all
                          of one day)


                          This is for all of your friendly Wal-Mart friends that have been
                          writing to
                          you.

                          There is a site for disgruntled employees called
                          www.customerssuck.com that
                          I encourage you to visit. Tell them purplefreak sent you.

                          One of your readers said that it's the rude customers that wears down
                          the
                          employees spirit.

                          Purplefreak


                          Though I haven't been following the comments concerning WalMart, I
                          did read the
                          one concerning folks loosing work if people stop shopping there. A
                          thought comes
                          to mind. When Sam was alive, about everything in their stores was
                          MADE IN USA.
                          Now that he has passed on, one is hard pressed to find a product that
                          is not foreign
                          made. If our jobs continue to go "off-shore", where will American
                          consumers get the
                          money to purchase the products? It seems that so many industries are
                          out for the
                          "Fast Buck" that they refuse to look to the future.
                          Sign me
                          Confused

                          Where Was God?

                          This is for the THEYS Jesus and God are everywhere, it wasn't them
                          that caused this destruction this is the DEVIL'S and we need to get
                          on our knees first and Pray and then get up and Move.

                          Granny




                          Buffalo,
                          Thanks for the laffs everyday! Keep em comin! I would just like to
                          say to the THEYS, my fellow Americans, you definitely have the right
                          to your opinions but so do I. As for where God was during this
                          entire attack, he was in the hearts and minds of every single
                          rescuer, fireman, police officer, and almost every patriotic citizen
                          of these our United States. And as for religion starting this war,
                          maybe you're right but it was also caused by just out and out
                          jealousy of the US by certain members of the Taliban. I understand
                          that there are people out there that aren't religious and that's
                          their prerogative, but there are alot more of us that are and that
                          were down on our hands and knees praying and still are. And I for
                          one personally believe that God is what put the strength and stamina
                          and fortitude into each and every person there at ground zero be it a
                          rescuer or a survivor.
                          Buffalo, thanks for the chance to get on my soapbox. Please sign me a
                          Christian Soldier from Tennessee.

                          Hey Buffalo,

                          Your chips are great and I look forward to your emails everyday.

                          I wanted to respond to the person who asked where was Jesus and God
                          when the victims of the attacks on our Great Nation was happening.
                          First of all, God is of love not hate, so all those that kill
                          innocent people in His name do not know God as they claim they do.
                          Second, I received this email after the attacks. It's called "Where
                          was God?" I know there are alot of people who do not believe in God
                          and that is their right and their freedom. Though I do believe, I do
                          not force it on anyone. But I just thought I would share this with
                          you and your subscribers. God Bless everyone.

                          WHERE WAS GOD?

                          "I know you're mad at Me right now. That's alright. People have
                          been mad at Me before and will be again. Being mad is part of being
                          human.
                          My Son got mad, too.
                          It's alright to be mad sometimes at injustice, for
                          example, or the lack of charity."

                          "You probably think I am unjust and uncharitable when an airplane
                          goes down like that. All those people lost. The children gone. It
                          doesn't seem right; it can't be loving.
                          You ask, 'Where was God?' Why did He allow that to happen?"

                          "I allow it to happen because I allow you freedom. I could have
                          left you on a string and made you dance all day without getting
                          tired.
                          I could have moved your mouth for you and made you sing all night
                          without growing hoarse.I could have pulled a wire that would have let
                          you soar skyward and
                          never fall."

                          "I could have, but I didn't because I love you so much. I want you
                          to be free to decide when to dance and sing. Free to determine when
                          you will come to Me in faith and hope. Because you are free, some of
                          you choose not to dance or sing. Some of you select hatred over
                          love, revenge over forgiveness, bombs over a helping hand. As you
                          choose, I watch. I do not disappear. I listen to both the songs and
                          the bombs. AND I REMEMBER."

                          "Where was God?" you wonder...I was there. I whispered in the ear
                          of a little girl, 'Don't be afraid, I am with you.' I held the hand
                          of a business
                          woman as tightly as she clutched mine. I cradled a pilot against my
                          shoulder as if he were a baby again."

                          "Amid the paralyzing fear, I was there, as I was there with my Son in
                          the garden. Amid the unbearable pain, I was there, as I was with Him
                          as He was whipped. Amid the terrible realization that life was
                          ending too
                          soon, I was there, with Him as He hung on the cross and asked, like
                          you, "My God, why have you forsaken Me?"

                          "I had not forsaken Him. I did not forsake them. I was there as
                          they fell,and as they rose to eternal joy. I listened to their
                          anger, answered their questions and showed them why they had been
                          created. Not to end that way,but to live with Me forever."
                          "In an instant, they came into existence. As you did.
                          "In an instant,they left this world. As you will.
                          But beyond that last instant, I kept my promise...A little girl
                          dances, a business woman sings, and a pilot keeps his wings forever."

                          Have a wonderful day,
                          Stacy

                          Backache
                          BUFFALO:

                          GO TO A CHIROPRACTOR!!!

                          DR. PERI DWYER

                          (Definitely being considered)

                          Flexeril

                          HI THERE BUFFALO,

                          I HAD TO LAUGH WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE HALF AWAKE AND HAD A BLANK
                          STARE ON YOUR FACE. I ALSO TAKE THAT AND I'VE HAD 2 BACK SURGERIES .
                          MY DAUGHTER TOLD ME ONCE I LOOK LIKE A ZOMBIE SITTING HERE AT THE
                          PUTER..LOL AND I FEEL LIKE IT SOME DAYS TOO..LOL JUST WANTED TO SHARE
                          THAT WITH YA..YOUR NOT ALONE ON THIS ONE..TAKE CARE OF THAT
                          BACK...NICE JOB BUFFALO...I LIVE SOUTH OF BUFFALO IN NY..JUNEBUG



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                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          Parting Chips
                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                          A man was brought before the court on the charge of refusing to obey
                          a
                          police officer.

                          "Why did you refuse to move on when asked to do so by the officer?"
                          the
                          judge inquired, obviously wondering what unexplained force could
                          have
                          given such a man strength to buck a strong minion of the law.

                          "It's like this, your honor," he explained. "My wife said I was to
                          meet her
                          at exactly twelve noon at that spot - and Iwas forced to choose
                          between
                          man's law and wife's law."



                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                        • buffalos3@webtv.net
                          Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Many of the readers enjoyed the description I had
                          Message 12 of 20 , Oct 12, 2001
                          • 0 Attachment
                            Clean Clean


                            Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                            name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


                            Many of the readers enjoyed the description I had the other night
                            and although night ops are something that are only seen by the
                            crew there are usually opportunities for civilian and ex-military
                            personnel to tour and sometimes even take a ride for a day or
                            longer.
                            Naval vessels inport generally have a tour schedule set up after
                            working hours and on weekends. Your best contact to ask is the
                            Public Affairs Officer (PAO). He will have a list of any upcoming
                            events that the public can participate in.
                            Dependent Cruises are a chance for dependents and friends to
                            go out on the ship for a few hours and watch an air show by the
                            ship's air wing and also a munitions exhibition . My favorite was
                            the old A-7 bomber dropping it's full load of 27, 500 lb.bombs .
                            That stirred up the water for a few minutes and I imagine the
                            fish didn't care much for the idea. Another one everyone enjoyed
                            was the slowest plane in the Navy , the F-14 Tomcat flying alongside
                            the ship at 70-80 knots and then the pilot would hit the afterburners
                            stand the plane on its tail as the wings swept back to the delta
                            configuration and go straight up quickly reaching supersonic
                            speed in it's second role as the fastest plane in the Navy. It's
                            those
                            two abilities that permit a fighter to intercept and then engage the
                            enemy either at a distance or in a dogfight with 20 mm cannons.

                            The real taste of Navy for a dependent is to move with the ship
                            when it does a permanent change of homeport usually after an
                            overhaul or a base closing. I took a girlfriend along one time when
                            we moved from Long Beach to San Diego after emergency repairs.
                            Left her with friends watching flight ops while I went down for watch
                            and when I got back she had managed to weasel her way into a
                            prime viewpoint on the Landing Signal Officers Plot in full flight
                            deck
                            gear. Carol had a way of getting what she wanted heh heh, probably
                            could have talked the Captain out of his seat.

                            The last program was always on and off depending on funding but was
                            known as the tiger program. Sailors were allowed to have their dads
                            or sons fly to Hawaii and ride the ship back to San Diego.
                            I hope the Navy chose to continue these programs because they
                            were great recruiting aids and gave families a feel for where mom or
                            dad sis or brother worked and what they had to deal with. I never
                            heard
                            my wife say " But you get to go spend six months playing with your
                            buddies" after she took a ride with us for day.

                            Have fun everyone and enjoy the chips.


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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Famous Last Word Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            FAMOUS LAST WORDS

                            What do you mean, "I'll be back"?

                            Why is the rest of the Star Trek landing party wearing a different
                            color?

                            Pull the pin and count to what?

                            Which wire was I supposed to cut?

                            I wonder where the mother bear is.

                            I've seen this done on TV.

                            These are the good kind of mushrooms.

                            I'll hold it and you light the fuse.

                            What's that priest doing here?

                            You look just like Charles Manson.

                            Let it down slowly.

                            Rat poison only kills rats.

                            OK, I'll go ahead and make your day.

                            It can't possibly rain for forty days and nights.

                            I'll get your toast out.

                            Give me liberty or give me death.

                            Just take whatever you want, this is a ghost town.

                            It's strong enough for both of us.

                            This doesn't taste right.

                            I can make this light before it changes.

                            Nice doggie.

                            I can do that with my eyes closed.

                            I've done this before.

                            Well we've made it this far.

                            That's odd.

                            Hey that's not a violin.

                            I'll just slip into the commuter lane for a second.

                            I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.

                            You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses on, would you?


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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Golf Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and
                            arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael
                            approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him.
                            Rather than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael
                            stopped to ask a question.

                            "Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf
                            course you have here" he said to St. Peter.

                            "That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.

                            "But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed "Well if I
                            can't see it, then I'm not coming in!"

                            "Very well Michael. As you wish...look through the gates." He looked
                            and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it
                            made him sick to his stomach.

                            "Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity
                            playing on that course!"

                            Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come
                            over here and see what I have to offer." Michael peers through the
                            gate and he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf
                            course he has ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says "I want to
                            play THAT course!"

                            "Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."

                            St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and
                            the gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and
                            said "I can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil
                            roared with laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."



                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Toon Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Oz?
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                            http://dailymegajoke.com/toons.php?00030534 Warning Message!

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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Chior Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            The choir director selected the 6-year-old little boy with the
                            sweetest face for the opening scene of the play. "Now, all you
                            have to do is, when I direct the choir to sing '...and the angel
                            lit the candle', you come on stage and light all the candles."

                            "I can do it - I can do it!" the little boy said, excited to be
                            the one picked.

                            Rehearsals came and went, and finally the big night arrived. The
                            choir was in grand voice, the stage was beautifully decorated with
                            dozens of unlit candles all around, awaiting the moment when the
                            cute littlest angel made his interest.

                            The director gave the downbeat, the orchestra began to play, and
                            the choir swept into the introductory lines, ending with an
                            expectant "...and the angel lit the candle," and everyone looked
                            stage right for the entrance. No little boy. The director gave the
                            downbeat again, and gestured for a louder line, which the choir
                            gave him - "...and the angel lit the candle," and again, all eyes
                            looked stage right. No little boy.

                            The director, beginning to sweat, motioned with great, sweeping
                            gestures, and the choir thundered into the line - the curtains belled
                            slightly from the sound - "...AND THE ANGEL LIT THE CANDLE!"

                            And into the silence which followed came a clear, boy-soprano voice
                            floating piercingly from stage right "...and the cat peed on the
                            matches!"



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                            Driving Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            How To Tell Where a Driver is From

                            One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

                            One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

                            One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
                            Boston

                            One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator:
                            California
                            *with gun in lap: L.A.

                            Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in
                            terror:
                            Ohio, but driving in California.

                            Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to
                            talk to someone in back seat: Italy

                            One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on
                            brake, mind on game: Seattle

                            One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both
                            feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a
                            McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

                            One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed
                            steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming
                            around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the
                            road: Texas country male

                            One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different
                            angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and
                            rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator,
                            poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl
                            inlaid
                            handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

                            Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly
                            checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from
                            their
                            own or another's car: Colorado

                            One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving
                            gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out
                            for
                            landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any
                            bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado
                            resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

                            Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer
                            cans
                            on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

                            Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now
                            wearing a barrel: Las Vegas



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                            Telemarketing Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            10 Ways to Terrorize a Telemarketer

                            10. When they ask "How are you today?" Tell them! "I'm so
                            glad you asked because no one these days seems to care, and
                            I have all these problems; my arthritis is acting up, my
                            eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..."

                            9. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them
                            to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company
                            name. Then ask them where it is located. Continue asking
                            them personal questions or questions about their company for
                            as long as necessary.

                            8. Cry out in surprise, "Judy! Is that you? Oh my God!
                            Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a
                            few brief moments of pause as she tries to figure out where
                            the hell she could know you from.

                            7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family
                            and Friends plan, reply, in as SINISTER a voice as you can,
                            "I don't have any friends... would you be my friend?"

                            6. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed
                            for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

                            5. Tell the telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and
                            ask if they could bring you a case of beer and some chips.

                            4. After the telemarketer gives their spiel, ask him/her to
                            marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you
                            could not just give your credit card number to a complete
                            stranger.

                            3. Tell the telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask
                            them if they will give you their HOME phone number so you
                            can call them back. When the telemarketer explains that they
                            cannot give out their HOME number, you say "I guess you
                            don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The
                            telemarketer will agree and you say, "Now you know how I feel!"

                            2. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing
                            a joke. "Come on Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's
                            your momma?"

                            And first and foremost:

                            1. Tell them to talk VERY SLOWLY, because you want to write
                            EVERY WORD down.


                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                            LynnLynn's Links



                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                            If You haven't joined LynnLynn's mailing List yet, send a blank e-mail
                            to LynnLynns-links-subscribe@egroups.com

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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                            Stan was having problems in English class, so his
                            teacher decided to stop by on her way home to speak
                            with his parents. When she rang the bell, Stan
                            answered.

                            "I'd like to talk to your mother or father," she said.

                            "Sorry, but they ain't here."

                            "Stan!" she said, "what is it with your grammar?"

                            "Beats me," he replied, "but dad sure was mad that
                            they had t'go bail her out again!"


                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Little Johnny Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                            Little Johnny and his dad went upstairs one day to hang a picture and
                            frame while mom made lunch. About twenty minutes after they went
                            upstairs Johnny came downstairs crying.
                            "What's wrong?" His mother said.
                            "Daddy slipped and hit his thumb with the hammer!" said Johnny.
                            "Well..." Johnny's mother said, "That's nothing to cry about, daddy
                            will
                            be okay. It's actually kind of funny, I don't know why you didn't
                            laugh
                            when it happened."
                            "I did!" Johnny said.


                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                            The Herbal Buffalo ( More Jokes after this section)
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Bear Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            One day a
                            man decides to go hiking in Yellowstone National Park, he makes 4
                            mistakes that you should never make while hiking in a National Park
                            like
                            Yellowstone. First he goes hiking alone. Never hike in the back-
                            country
                            alone. Always go with at least one other person or a group of people,
                            that way there's somebody to talk to and who can run for help if there
                            is an emergency. Second, beforehe left on his hike he slapped on his
                            after-shave. Never wear after-shave or perfume when hiking in the
                            back-country, it's been known to attract the wild animals the bears
                            and
                            such. So there he is hiking alone and reaking of after-shave. His
                            third
                            mistake was that as he hiked he was being vey quiet, he didn't want to
                            disturb the little animals, chipmunks and rabbits. Always make noise
                            when hiking in a Natonal Park, it lets the bigger animals know your
                            there and they don't want to meet you anymore then you want to meet
                            them.

                            Talk to you friends, sing songs or wear a bear bell. So there he is
                            hiking alone, raking of aftershave and being very quiet. He rounds a
                            bend in the trail an comes face toface with a huge Grizzly Bear that
                            didn't hear him coming, but smelled him. Here he makes his fourth and
                            final mistake by turning around on the trail and running away. By
                            doing
                            this he shows the bear that he's afraid and possible prey so the bear
                            starts chasing him. Everybody knows that a Grizzly Bear can run as
                            fast
                            as a race horse for short distances so his chances of out running him
                            are about zero to none. So our hiker is running and running and the
                            bear

                            is chasing close behind. Finally the man is totally exhausted and
                            can't
                            go another step. He drops to his knees in the middle of the trail puts
                            his hands together and he starts praying. He prays for his mother, his
                            father, his LIFE! Pretty soon he hears a growling noise next to him,
                            he
                            looks over and there's the bear, it's down on it's knees, it has it;s
                            paws put together and it's praying also. He looks at the bear and the
                            bear looks at him and the bear says, "I don't know about you, but I'm
                            saying grace."


                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                            From The Buffalos Mail Box

                            Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
                            ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
                            stood
                            around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

                            Hey, Buffalo!

                            While I'm sending out e-mails, I may as well send you this
                            one as being worthy of including in your e-zine. It's from President
                            George W. Bush's address this past evening. It wouldn't hurt to
                            remind a few folks about his call for small donations to help the
                            hard-hit Afghani children. This is the only sacrifice he has asked
                            of us Americans to make so far (other than being patient with long
                            lines at the airport!), so it really is the very least we can do.

                            Jacques



                            A Request From The President

                            For those of you that missed it . . . tonight President
                            George W. Bush requested that America's youth join in a fundraising
                            event to help the poor children of Afghanistan. Sadly, many of the
                            Afghani children are destitute, malnourished, and many are
                            orphans . . . .and that is the norm! During this time of crisis,
                            they need, even more than ever, the help of generous and
                            compassionate folks. President Bush asked tonight that every child
                            who is able, to please raise, save, or work for only ONE US dollar,
                            and to donate it to the children of Afghanistan. Such compassion
                            would further demonstrate that our argument is against terrorists
                            only, and that we have no quarrel with Muslims or any other followers
                            of the Islamic religion. The address to mail those donations is:

                            America's Fund For Afghan Children
                            c/o The White House
                            1600 Pennsylvania Avenue NW
                            Washington, D.C. 20500-0004

                            What a great way to teach our children to be both compassionate and
                            charitable !

                            (Please pass this request and address on to others on your mailing
                            lists.
                            It is a very worthwhile cause, and it is the absolute least we can
                            do.)


                            was glad to notice that a reader said that she had no arguments with
                            going to Wal-Mart. With all of the Boo Hiss letters you have had
                            about Wal Mart, I had wondered if there was something wrong with me.
                            I wondered, if I was so insensitive and unobservant, that I had not
                            noticed how terrible it was to shop at Wal-Mart. I live in the
                            Pacific Northwest
                            [Go Mariners!] and though I do not often go to our Wal-Mart as it is
                            some distance from us. When I have gone, I have had nothing but
                            smiles and politeness and happy conversations with any and all
                            workers at our store in Auburn, Washington. We too, are easy to get
                            along with and not ready to bite off the heads of those who are only
                            there to be of service to us.
                            The prices seem to be reasonable and not cutthroat to other stores in
                            the area.

                            Thank you for your various outlooks on life in these United States.

                            JoAnn In Washington


                            Thought you might find this good enough for chips...:)

                            Deb Edwards

                            What did the mama buffalo say to the son buffalo when he went
                            off to college?
                            "Bison."

                            Buffalo says Thanks Jack for sending that one in too




                            Thanks so much for the valuable time that you spend sending us all
                            jokes. I
                            am the proud mother of a son in the Army. I subscribe to many joke
                            lists but
                            yours is the only one I have been able to read lately.

                            Today I received an e-mail from my son that had a forward of a letter
                            to
                            Cindy Williams attached. And I thought about you and your lists. I
                            visited
                            your site for the first time and low and behold don't you already
                            have it
                            featured prominantly! It's amazing how good I felt at seeing someone
                            else
                            who gives a damn!

                            Today is the anniversary of the attack on the USS Cole. If memory
                            serves me
                            correctly we lost the lives of 17 sailors and many more were injured
                            severely. Why didn't anyone take up a collection for them? I didn't
                            see
                            anyone having a telethon for their families. And I can't recall anyone
                            donating a portion of anything to help them. Those lives are just as
                            important as the ones lost in the latest attacks on our country. It
                            makes me
                            angry.

                            The difference is that people didn't see it happen for themselves so
                            it
                            didn't impact them personally. The WTC attack was televised. Ground
                            zero was
                            literally in their livingrooms. And it was played over and over and
                            over....( funny but it reminded me of a Saterday Night Live sketch of
                            the
                            killing of Buckwheat ). That's why Americans suddenly give a shit.

                            As long as I'm venting I've got another beef ( or buffalo if you
                            please).
                            My flag has been displayed proudly in front of my house since the day
                            I
                            bought it 6 years ago. My neighbor has a variety of those banner
                            flags in
                            front of theirs. Sometimes it's Snoopy saying 'Happy Spring',
                            othertimes
                            it's that pineapple 'welcome' one or the 'I love my dog' one. NOW
                            they are
                            finally flying our AMERICAN flag. Don't get me wrong. It's nice to
                            drive
                            around seeing all the flags out but it kind of reminds me of people
                            who get
                            together at super bowl parties and root for 'their' team to win even
                            though
                            they've never seen a game the whole year! Then when a team wins
                            people flock
                            to stores to get hats and t shirts to proudly wear to show their
                            support!!

                            I wonder if they will encourage their sons and daughters to join our
                            military. I wonder if they will contact their politicians to get pay
                            raises
                            for our military. I wonder if they will start voting to have a say in
                            our
                            government. And I wonder how long it will be before the 'I love my
                            dog'
                            banner flags are back up.

                            But mostly I wonder if I'll get to see my son again. I wonder if I'll
                            ever
                            get to see him become a father and grandfather. And I'm proud to say
                            that my
                            son, my wonderful son, is proudly serving his country. He has served
                            3 years
                            already and during the summer he signed up for 4 more.

                            Annie, a loyal reader in upstate NY
                            mother of Spec James, Ft Stewart, Ga

                            Buffalo says Thank you for the reminder Annie we forget all to soon
                            as
                            one disaster after another hits us. Although the military takes care
                            of the
                            families of it's dead , they still don't fare much better than our
                            active duty
                            members. We do owe them a great debt and you are the first I have
                            heard
                            suggest this.
                            My congratulations and best wishes to your son on his reenlistment.
                            The
                            more top notch people that the military can retain, the easier we can
                            all
                            sleep at night.

                            ~~~~~


                            Dear buffalo:
                            I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoy your jokes, or as you
                            call them "CHIPS". I particularly love the "Little Johnny Chips".
                            Thank
                            you ... and Keep 'em comin'.

                            Mrero.


                            ~~~~~


                            Dear Buffalo,

                            First of all, I want to tell you that you have the best joke site
                            I've come upon and I'm totally happy I subscribed.

                            I'm writing, though, because after a month of dealing with the
                            aftermath of terrorism, and watching day after day of newscasts, I
                            find myself wishing there was a real way to honor the victims...a way
                            that they could live on in future generations, so to speak. And then
                            I thought...wouldn't it be nice if we, as American families, were to
                            name our future children after a victim of this horrible tragedy.
                            Only the first and last name. But, if we did that, and told our
                            children about what happened and that they were named after someone
                            whose life was lost in our never-ending battle for freedom, wouldn't
                            that be sort of a way that they could live on? I don't know...I hope
                            that didn't come off as ghoulish. It just seems that when we name
                            our children to honor dead grandparents that they will never know so
                            that they can live on through the child...well...this is no
                            different. And it would be to HONOR them. And to REMEMBER them.
                            Pleas! e let me know if I crossed a line with this thought. I'm
                            getting delirious from a month of being scared, sad, mad, and all the
                            other emotions that I've felt, as I'm sure everyone else has.

                            Speaking of which, I went to a site from Lynn Lynn's links, and they
                            had the most beautiful tribute I've ever seen. The words and
                            pictures really got to me. And it's true...so true. We can't cry
                            hard enough. I'm leaving the link because the one from Lynn Lynn's
                            has changed.
                            http://www.heartlight.org/prayerforthenation/cantcryhardenough.html

                            Anyway...thanks for letting me vent a few thoughts. Keep up the good
                            work.

                            Still waiting for Osama to join Hitler in Hell,
                            Judi

                            Buffalo Says It was an interesting thought and a fine way to honor
                            especially
                            the fallen fire fighters and policemen.

                            ~~~~~~

                            My husband served aboard the USS Oriskany, 1969 to 1973. Recently he
                            had a reunion with a few of his buddies that we have been able to
                            find. Still looking for the rest. I had to write and tell you that
                            Subic Bay is the favorite topic of these guys, but I heard all the
                            stories. They loved Subic Bay too. I do not often read your stuff to
                            my husband, but had to read this one, and off we went again to Subic
                            Bay memories.
                            Love hearing from you, and your memories are great. Adds some to
                            what my husband remembers. He was in the Hydraulics division. We need
                            to hear all the stories from all the ships many divisions to really
                            see what a sailors life is like.
                            Kathy H

                            Buffalo says I welcome any story military or not this is a place to
                            share.
                            send your stories to buffalos3@...


                            Many thanks, Buffalo!

                            I talked to the Gumbo Krewe tonight and they have already heard
                            from several good-hearted folks around this country who want to
                            help. I certainly appreciate you taking the time and interest to
                            include that article about their mission of mercy and goodwill in
                            your widely-read joke e-zine.

                            Bless you for your help!
                            Jacques





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                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Parting Chips
                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Air Force intelligence reports that Taliban airstrips have been
                            pockmarked
                            with craters from the US air raids, rendering them useless. So
                            basically
                            they resemble Michigan's major highway system

                            ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                            Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean



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                          • buffalos3@webtv.net
                            Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. A MESSAGE FROM THE COMMANDANT OF THE MARINE CORPS
                            Message 13 of 20 , Nov 9, 2001
                            • 0 Attachment
                              Clean Clean


                              Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                              name is Buffalo and I have the watch.


                              A MESSAGE FROM THE COMMANDANT OF THE MARINE CORPS


                              As we commemorate the 226th anniversary of the founding of our Corps,
                              Marines everywhere can take pride in their contributions to our great
                              nation. We are a Corps born of an act of Congress, consecrated in
                              sacrifice, steeped in tradition, and tested in battle. Our earned
                              legacy is filled with the names of many great Marines: Lejeune,
                              Vandegrift, Puller…Butler, Bestwick, Daly -- who fill the annals of
                              our lineage with their inspired acts of vision and gallantry.

                              Heroic actions on the battlefield are a hallmark of our legacy.
                              Equally compelling are the countless heroic deeds of many other
                              Marines who exemplify the virtue of placing the needs of others above
                              their own. Whether it be a Marine saving an Okinawan child from
                              drowning, or pulling people from a burning wreck, or a family
                              extending itself to provide a safe, nurturing home for disadvantaged
                              children, our lives are indeed full of heroism. Today we celebrate
                              these deeds, not as exploits, but as contributions to the greater
                              good -- circumstances where Marines take care of not just their own,
                              but reach out to care for others.

                              A lone Marine standing vigil on a dark night in Kosovo; a Marine
                              Reservist serving as a firefighter or police officer who responds to
                              an emergency in his community; a civilian Marine working alongside
                              his counterparts in uniform who shares the perils and realities of a
                              terrorist attack; and a committed spouse who finds the time to serve
                              as an advocate for family programs in addition to making a home and
                              supporting the family -- all are among the heroes of all
                              generations. We are indebted to them for their example of strength
                              and their presence of character. They embrace our core values and
                              live them to the fullest. They inspire us to do the same. We
                              admire and appreciate their example as we celebrate the birth of our
                              Corps and our rich heritage. As our motto enjoins us, let us always
                              be faithful, to our God, our country, our Corps and to our families.
                              Let us also resolve to be always faithful to those Marines who have
                              bestowed upon us our proud legacy of sacrifice, courage, and victory
                              against any foe.

                              To all Marines, past and present, who uphold the finest traditions of
                              our Eagle, Globe, and Anchor, Happy Birthday and…
                              Semper Fidelis,

                              J. L. JONES
                              General, U.S. Marine Corps


                              ~~~~
                              To my brothers and sisters who chose the route of the USMC to serve
                              their Country, I say with pride Happy Birthday, your country owes you
                              a debt of gratitude that never can be repaid... buffalo

                              I also welcome the men and women of the air wing of the USS
                              Enterprise CVN-65 back to the US . You and the crew provided
                              an immediate presence in the wake of the terrorist attack at the
                              expense of your own return to the US. Thank You for a job well
                              done and I hope the Captain lets you throw on a few liberty turns
                              and dock early so that everyone can be with their loved ones.

                              Enjoy the chips and have a great weekend everyone.



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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Naval Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Dear Mr.. Bill,

                              This one had your name on it...enjoy!

                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              A destroyer pulled into a foreign port, and put down maximum

                              liberty.

                              The skeleton crew didn't notice a chimpanzee, escaped from a

                              nearby civilian transport, crawled up the ropes and up to the

                              smokestack. Down the stack, it made its way into the engine

                              room. It came across a power panel opened up for maintenance,

                              couldn't read the warning signs, and with a bright blue blast

                              shorted out the ship's electrical system, and plunged the ship

                              into darkness.

                              A little bit later, two junior Hull Technicians wander down

                              with their flashlights, looking for the problem. They come

                              upon the blackened body of the chimp. They shine their

                              flashlights on its long, burnt arms. They look at each other.

                              They highlight its short legs and odd feet. They look at each

                              other.

                              Finally one says, "Well, it's too hairy to be an Electrician,

                              the legs are too short for a Hull Tech, and there would be

                              more tattoos on a Bo'sun. Call the wardroom, see if one of the

                              duty officers is missing."


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                              Toon Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Jarhead Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Hi Buffalo

                              FIRST MARINE: Hey, Jack, do you have time to run down to the
                              saloon? One of our boys is having a brawl with 35 sailors!

                              SECOND MARINE: Well, what the hell. Can't he take care of
                              that many by himself?

                              FIRST MARINE: Sure, but he's getting hot. He wants somebody
                              he can trust to hold his coat.

                              Jim Mc Quain


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                              Blues Rules Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              1. Most blues begin "woke up this morning."

                              2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the blues,
                              unless you stick something nasty in the next line.

                              I got a good woman-- with the meanest dog in town.

                              3. Blues are simple. After you have the first line right,
                              repeat it. Then find something that rhymes. Sort of.

                              Got a good woman
                              with the meanest dog in town.
                              He got teeth like Margaret Thatcher
                              and he weighs about 500 pounds.

                              4. The blues are not about limitless choice.

                              5. Blues cars are Chevies and Cadillacs. Other acceptable
                              blues transportation is Greyhound bus or a southbound train.
                              Walkin' plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does
                              fixin' to die.

                              6. Teenagers can't sing the blues. Adults sing the blues.
                              Blues adulthood means old enough to get the electric chair
                              if you shoot a man in Memphis.

                              7. You can have the blues in New York City, but not in
                              Brooklyn or Queens. Hard times in Vermont or North Dakota
                              are just a depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City
                              are still the best places to have the blues.

                              8. The following colors do not belong in the blues:
                              a. violet
                              b. beige
                              c. mauve

                              9. You can't have the blues in an office or a shopping
                              mall, the lighting is wrong.

                              10. Good places for the Blues:
                              a. the highway
                              b. the jailhouse
                              c. the empty bed

                              Bad places:
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                              b. Gallery openings
                              c. weekend in the Hamptons

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                              Hospital Chips
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                              The young lady walked over to the room where she knew her
                              friend was. "May I see Irving, please?" she asked the woman
                              blocking the door.

                              "We don't allow anyone but relatives to see the patients,"
                              replied the woman. "Are you a member of the family?"

                              "Why-er-why, yes. I'm his sister," said the lady.

                              "Oh, I'm so glad to meet you," said the woman.
                              "I'm his mother!"




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                              Expectant Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              A young private sought permission from his Commanding Officer
                              to leave camp the following weekend. "You see," he explained,
                              "my wife's expecting."

                              "Oh..." said the Officer, "I understand. Go ahead and tell
                              your wife that I wish her luck."

                              The following week the same soldier was back again with the
                              same explanation: "My wife's expecting."

                              The Officer looked surprised. "Still expecting ?" he said,
                              "Well, well, my boy, you must be pretty bothered. Of course
                              you can have the week-end off."

                              When the same soldier appeared again the third week, however,
                              the Officer lost his temper. "Don't tell me your wife is
                              still expecting !" he bellowed.

                              "Yes sir !" said the soldier resolutely, "She's still
                              expecting."

                              "What in heaven is she expecting ???" cried the Officer.

                              "Me." said the soldier simply.


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                              Golf Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              A golfer's wife and another couple were watching him attempt to hit
                              the ball.

                              "Right to the green," he exclaimed optimistically, then promptly
                              missed the ball completely.

                              "Into the hole it goes," he said as he swing and missed again.

                              "You're going to go in this time," he threatened, then whacked the
                              ball into the lake.

                              The husband set another ball on the tee, backed up behind it about
                              five feet, lined it up, felt for the direction of the breeze, then
                              stepped up and with all the confidence in the world that the ball
                              would be landing on the green, hit it into the lake again.

                              He went through the ritual several more times, and before each swing
                              exclaimed the same optimism, "This time, this time you're going in."

                              "One of the best I've ever seen," his wife said to the other two
                              golfers.

                              "His golf fame is one of the best?" one of the golfers exclaimed.

                              "Not his golf game," the wife answered. "His ego."


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                              From The Buffalos Mail Box

                              Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
                              ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
                              stood
                              around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )


                              Hey Buffalo,

                              Just a quick note to say "Thank You" for all your effort and
                              great work. Reading your email everyday sure seems to make the
                              day a bit more enjoyable.

                              On another note, I have been reading the mail that you publish at
                              the end of each email, and note the large amount of Red Cross
                              bashing that has transpired. While I'm not supporting the
                              Red Cross in any means, I also note that there has been a considerable
                              lack of notice to the Salvation Army. I remember the day when I had
                              to report to the Draft Board for my physical and later for induction,
                              The Salvation Army had people waiting at the meeting point with
                              coffee and donuts every day, along with a small ditty bag of goodies
                              when reporting for induction. The Red Cross had posters every where
                              in the building, but no presence in the way of people or service
                              to those leaving their city for the military. It was a simple
                              little event at the time, but it sure did leave a lasting impression,
                              even to this day..

                              Keep a smile on your face, people will wonder what your up to !!
                              Looking forward to more of your humor..

                              Later,
                              Edward Weiss

                              ~~~~~

                              Oh Brother Where art Thou?

                              His name is Ed, we double dated to our high school graduation back
                              in 1962. He was my third baseman on my baseball team. We were
                              friends.
                              After graduation we went our separate ways. I joined the Air Force
                              and he
                              went into the Marines. I volunteered for Vietnam but was sent to
                              Newfoundland, Canada. He went to Nam. His first tour brought him
                              two gold
                              stars, his second tour he got a third gold star, a purple heart and a
                              silver
                              star. He was the last man to leave the infamous Hamburger Hill.
                              While
                              wounded he carried off all the men that were wounded before he left.
                              How many
                              lifes did he save? He was involved in hand to hand combat while
                              doing this
                              heroic act.
                              Ed never talked about it to me. His father read the letter that
                              came with
                              the silver star. Ed probably just missed getting the congressional
                              medal of
                              honor by a tad.
                              Ed never thought he was a hero, he was just a boy from kansas. While
                              visiting
                              him at his house, I had an gran mal seizure. Ed's medical training
                              helped me
                              recover rapidly. Again we parted company, me to college, him another
                              tour,
                              his third.
                              The third tour was disasterous for Ed, his mind had held too much,
                              seen too
                              much and he suffered a mental breakdown. Ed went through numerous
                              hospitals.
                              Finally he was discharged and went home to Kansas. I heard about his
                              setback
                              and made a point to visit him. What a change. When we talked, he
                              saw things,
                              heard things that were not there. He was still in vietnam while in
                              Kansas.
                              My heart went out to him. His heart was locked in some place where I
                              could
                              not reach.
                              While driving, Ed hit and killed a pedestrian. Before his trial,
                              he
                              jumped bond and skipped. Last I heard he was working on a ranch
                              maybe in
                              Montana or Wyoming.
                              His parents have since passed away. I went to his father's
                              funeral and
                              made a point of being there for Ed. I hope I see Ed again. Our
                              country owes
                              much to the Eds of the world. Their suffering, their pain, their
                              lifes are
                              forever changed.
                              Freedom is just a word until we make the sacrifice to earn it.

                              B.J. Cassady

                              ~~~~~

                              Buffalo -

                              I am a grandmother who well remembers WW II - as children, we were
                              very
                              active in war effort business - like collecting scrap iron,
                              newspapers,
                              and so forth. I also remember the Red Cross and how we were told
                              about
                              the many ways in which that organization served our fighting men and
                              their families.

                              I'm astounded and horrified at the stories I have been reading in the
                              Chips chat. Over the years, I've heard one or two stories, but the
                              Red
                              Cross has such a huge reputation for service all over the world that I
                              discounted such rumors. Reading what comes across your site every
                              day,
                              however, has me very upset.

                              If all these stories - and others like them - are true, why hasn't
                              something been done about it ? Surely someone should be doing an
                              investigation of an organization which seems to have forgotten the
                              reason
                              it was originally founded.

                              Ganny

                              ~~~

                              Actually Buffalo, about 6 years ago we found a stray
                              cat outside our home one day. She was all black and
                              very very young. I chalk it up to being out in the
                              rain a lot, but this cat LOVED, absolutely LOVED,
                              curling up on my husband's shoulders while he took a
                              shower. Unfortunately when we took her to a vet her
                              flea problem was so severe she was anemic and had
                              other problems as well and they had to put her down.
                              She is the only cat my husband ever liked. Everytime
                              we get a cat, he immediately does the "water test" to
                              see if this one's a keeper. LOL Who knows, if we
                              find one, we might just send them to your boot camp
                              for kitties. LOL
                              Patty

                              ~~~~~




                              First, let me apologize for my typographical errors yesterday. I'll
                              blame it
                              on my old eyes or possibly my eye-hand coordination. I'll try to do
                              better.

                              We trained at Fort Greely several times while I was up in Alaska. It
                              is a
                              post with minimal facilities and a large training area. It is
                              located near
                              the
                              town of Delta Junction, so named because the Nenana River joined the
                              Tanana River there. The Nenana is a glacial river and has a large
                              delta
                              like mouth. It emptied it's crystal clear glacial water into the
                              thick muddy
                              water of the Tanana River. Viewed from the cliffs above, we could
                              see
                              the eddies and gradual mixing of the waters into a slightly lighter
                              brown
                              color downstream from the delta. Just upstream from the delta, the
                              Alaska Pipeline crosses the Tanana River on its own suspension
                              bridge.

                              We went to Fort Greely during the winter shortly after Operation Jack
                              Frost, and again later in the summer, after Operation Eagle Trek.
                              During
                              Eagle Trek, we crossed the glaciers of the Alaska Range. The Alaska
                              Range is about halfway between Anchorage and Fairbanks and contains
                              Mount McKinley, or Denali as it is known to the Eskimos and the
                              Aleuts.
                              The glacial training received during Eagle Trek was one of the best
                              times
                              that I had while in Alaska, although it was very tiring as well.
                              More about
                              Eagle Trek at a later date.

                              I was attached to Bravo Company again during my first visit to Fort
                              Greely. This was an exercise referred to as Pre-ARTEP-76. ARTEP is
                              an acronym for Army Readiness Testing Program, and occurred once a
                              year. Not quite the same as an IG inspection, which was primarily to
                              assess a unit's administrative readiness. The ARTEP evaluated our
                              operational readiness. There was no skiing done, but we all had a
                              set
                              of snow shoes strapped to our rucks. I don't recall getting to use
                              the
                              snowshoes much on that exercise, but recall that a duck-like waddle
                              was required to keep the snowshoes far enough away from each other
                              to keep from tripping over our own feet. During Jack Frost 77, our
                              platoon played "Run Geese Run" on snowshoes during a little down
                              time.
                              We were located on the Blair Lakes, south of Fort Wainwright, and had
                              plenty of deep snow on a large level area. I can say with
                              confidence that
                              you can't run very fast in snow shoes, but you do kick up a lot of
                              snow.

                              We trained mostly during the day, but did have a night move scheduled
                              later in the exercise. Of course as a SP4 medic, I wasn't privy to
                              that
                              information until it happened. We arrived at the staging area late
                              that
                              morning and went into an administrative hold to get some rest before
                              the
                              night operations. Some guys can fall asleep anywhere and anytime,
                              but
                              I have never mastered that skill. In late afternoon as it began to
                              get dark,
                              everyone packed up and all of the arctic tents were taken down and
                              packed in the ahkios except for one. The men were then cycled through
                              that tent to stay warm until we moved out. An arctic tent was
                              designed
                              to sleep eleven men. That was the size of a squad before the M2
                              Bradley
                              fighting vehicle was designed, but that's another story in itself.
                              We
                              rotated
                              two to three squad sized groups at a time through that one tent. It
                              sort of
                              defeated the purpose as the guys pressed against the sides of the
                              tent
                              got little or no benefit from the Yukon stove, but I guess we put out
                              enough
                              BTUs on our own to stay fairly warm.

                              The night move came soon enough and the battalion moved out into the
                              dark. It got difficult to see more than a few the soldiers in front
                              of and
                              behind
                              me as most of us were all wearing overwhites (large white garments
                              that
                              covered our OD green uniforms). The crunch of the snow let us know
                              where
                              the other soldiers were though. The Aurora Borealis (Northern
                              Lights) put
                              on a fair show that night. We had seen better colors before and saw
                              better
                              displays at later times, but we were out with them for as long as
                              they lasted
                              that night. We finally reached our objective at about the time the
                              sun was
                              beginning to creep up on the southeastern horizon. It hadn't quite
                              dawned
                              yet, but it was getting light out.

                              I came across a soldier who had not tied his bunny boots tight
                              enough, and
                              both of his boots were full of snow. I ended up wrapping him in a
                              space
                              blanket, but also had to help him warm up his feet. If you've ever
                              frost
                              nipped
                              your hands, you know how to put your hands in your own opposite
                              armpits,
                              under your shirt, or down your trousers to warm them. You can also
                              cover
                              your own ears, cheeks, or nose with your hand, but you can't warm
                              your
                              own feet. If you're out in the cold, you have to find a buddy to
                              open up his
                              coat and raise his wool shirt and allow you to put your feet against
                              his
                              abdomen. I became his "buddy" that morning. It took a while to get
                              his
                              feet
                              warmed back up, but I think that I went up a little in the estimation
                              of the
                              men
                              that day, as they knew that I'd do the same for any of them. He did
                              well,
                              and
                              we got him into his sleeping bag once he had warmed up a bit to wait
                              for his
                              medevac. Someone had some heat tabs and we brewed up some hot
                              chocolate for him too. The exercise was winding down, and after a
                              cup of hot
                              chocolate, I was no worse for wear. Cold feet on the belly is kind
                              of like
                              diving into a cold pool though, it's a bit of a shock :-)

                              More on Fort Greely tomorrow. I'm getting the winter and summer
                              exercise
                              stories blended a little bit, sorry about that. The summer training
                              up there
                              was excellent as well and manages to creep into the winter stories.

                              Keep Up The Fire!

                              "Doc" Chuck


                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


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                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              Parting Chips
                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                              When a teenage girl smiles at a boy, he tries to decide what makes
                              him so sexy.

                              When a young lady smiles at a man in his fifties, he turns around to
                              see who's the handsome dude behind him.

                              But when a female of any age smiles at a man of 80, he looks down to
                              see if he's unzipped.



                              ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                              Remember 9/11/01
                            • buffalosjokes2001
                              Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Another issue from you the reader completely to
                              Message 14 of 20 , Dec 21, 2001
                              • 0 Attachment
                                Clean Clean

                                Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                                name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                                Another issue from you the reader completely to yourself.
                                Hm is sending jokes to yourself like talking to yourself? I
                                am afraid only the Psychiatrists know for sure. I do it all
                                the time but then I am a Buffalo. Last half daqy of work
                                tomorrow and I am dragging so here we go enjoy the chips.


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                                Michigan Chips From CD
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                My Mail carrier sent me this, I haven't seen it on your site, but I
                                was down for a week with a DOS attack and may have missed it. Buffalo
                                jokes are what I have my morning coffee with, and I really enjoy them.




                                MICHIGAN TEMPERATURE CONVERSION CHART

                                70 above
                                Texans turn on the heat and unpack the thermal underwear.
                                People in Michigan go swimming in the Lakes.

                                60 above
                                North Carolinians try to turn on the heat.
                                People in Michigan plant gardens.

                                50 above
                                Californians shiver uncontrollably.
                                People in Michigan sunbathe.

                                40 above
                                Italian & English cars won't start.
                                People in Michigan drive with the windows down.

                                32 above
                                Distilled water freezes.
                                Lake Superior's water gets thicker.

                                20 above
                                Floridians don coats, thermal underwear, gloves, and woolly hats.
                                People in Michigan throw on a flannel shirt.

                                15 above
                                Philadelphia landlords finally turn up the heat.
                                People in Michigan have the last cookout before it gets cold.

                                0
                                People in Miami all die...
                                Michiganders lick the flagpole.

                                20 below
                                Californians fly away to Mexico.
                                People in Michigan get out their winter coats.

                                40 below
                                Hollywood disintegrates.
                                The Girl Scouts in Michigan are selling cookies door to door.

                                60 below
                                Polar bears begin to evacuate the Artic.
                                Michigan Boy Scouts postpone "Winter Survival" classes until it
                                gets cold enough.

                                80 below
                                Mt. St. Helens freezes.
                                People in Michigan rent some videos.

                                100 below
                                Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
                                Michiganders get frustrated because they can't thaw the keg.

                                297 below
                                Microbial life no longer survives on dairy products.
                                Cows in Michigan complain about farmers with cold hands.

                                460 below
                                ALL atomic motion stops (absolute zero in the Kelvin scale).
                                People in Michigan start saying, "Cold 'nuff for ya?"

                                500 below
                                Hell freezes over.
                                The Lions win the Super Bowl!



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                                Toon Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Hospital Chips From Barney
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                In the admitting office of our hospital, some patients were filling
                                out forms, others were being interviewed and still others were being
                                escorted to their rooms.

                                An elderly woman hesitantly entered my cubicle. She had completed her
                                admitting forms and, upon my request, handed me her insurance cards.
                                I typed the neccessary information and then asked her the reason for
                                her coming to the hospital.

                                "Just to visit a friend," she said, "but this had taken so long, I'm
                                not sure I have time now."




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                                Blonde Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as
                                a handyman, and started canvassing a well-to-do neighborhood. She
                                went to
                                the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any
                                jobs
                                for her to do.

                                "Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"

                                The blonde, after looking about, said, "How about 50 dollars?"

                                The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that
                                she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house,
                                overheard the conversation and said to her husband "Does she realize
                                that
                                the porch goes all the way around the house?"

                                The man replied "She should, she was standing on it. Do you think
                                she's dumb?"

                                "No....I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all the 'dumb
                                blonde' e-mail we've been receiving."

                                A short time later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

                                "You're finished already?" he asked.

                                "Yes" the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over,so I gave it two
                                coats."

                                Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00.

                                "And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."


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                                Cow Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Hi Buffalo,
                                I got this in the mail from a friend today and had to pass it on
                                to you. Kind of speaks for itself
                                Phyllis


                                WORLD IDEOLOGIES/ORGANIZATIONS EXPLAINED BY REFERENCE TO COWS

                                CHRISTIANITY
                                You have two cows. You keep one and give one to your neighbor.

                                FEUDALISM
                                You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

                                FASCISM
                                You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care
                                of
                                them, and sells you the milk. You join the underground and start a
                                campaign of sabotage.

                                SOCIALISM
                                You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn
                                with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all the cows. The
                                government gives you a glass of milk.

                                SURREALISM
                                You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica
                                lessons.

                                PURE COMMUNISM
                                You share two cows with your neighbors. You and your neighbors bicker
                                about who has the most "ability" and who has the most "need".
                                Meanwhile,
                                no one works, no one gets any milk, and the cows drop dead of
                                starvation.

                                RUSSIAN COMMUNISM
                                You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government
                                takes all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it
                                on the black market.

                                PERESTROIKA
                                You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the Mafia takes
                                all the milk. You steal back as much milk as you can and sell it on
                                the
                                "free" market.

                                CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM
                                You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.

                                DICTATORSHIP
                                You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

                                PURE ANARCHY
                                You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your
                                neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

                                OLYMPICS-ISM
                                You have two cows, one American, one Chinese. With the help of
                                trilling
                                violins and state of the art montage photography, John Tesh narrates
                                the
                                moving tale of how the American cow overcame the agony of growing up
                                in
                                a suburb with (gasp) divorced parents, then mentions in passing that
                                the
                                Chinese cow was beaten every day by a tyrannical farmer and watched
                                its
                                parents butchered before its eyes. The American cow wins the
                                competition, severely spraining an udder in a gritty performance, and
                                gets a multi-million dollar contract to endorse Wheaties. The Chinese
                                cow is led out of the arena and shot by Chinese government officials,
                                though no one ever hears about it. McDonald's buys the meat and serves
                                it hot and fast at its Beijing restaurant.

                                PURE DEMOCRACY
                                You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

                                REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY
                                You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets
                                the
                                milk.

                                DEMOCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE
                                You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point you have to
                                sell both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow,
                                which was a gift from your government.

                                A REPUBLICAN
                                You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. So what?

                                A DEMOCRAT
                                You have two cows. Your neighbor has none. You feel guilty for being
                                successful. You vote people into office who tax your cows, forcing you
                                to sell one to raise money to pay the tax. The people you voted for
                                then
                                take the tax money and buy a cow and give it to your neighbor. You
                                feel
                                righteous.

                                BUREAUCRACY
                                You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed
                                them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them.
                                Then
                                it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the
                                drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the
                                missing
                                cows.

                                CAPITALISM
                                You don't have any cows. The bank will not lend you money to buy cows,
                                because you don't have any cows to put up as collateral.

                                CAPITALISM, AMERICAN STYLE
                                You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull and build a herd of cows.

                                CAPITALISM GREEN PEACE STYLE
                                Both cows are bloated with toxic steroids. They are set out to graze
                                on
                                privatized public parks, release massive amounts of flatulence that
                                destroys the ozone layer, die from excess ultraviolet light, and are
                                processed into meat-like products that look great as a result of
                                clever
                                and unprincipled marketing strategies. When you mortgage your
                                artificially devalued farm at high interest rates in order to buy
                                meat,
                                you consume the poisoned material and develop terminal illnesses
                                because
                                there is no health care plan to treat you. The corporate management
                                uses
                                your purchase price to acquire THEIR meat from cows raised "naturally"
                                on tree-free rain forest land outside of the country where labor and
                                resources are cheap.

                                AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
                                You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the
                                milk
                                of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

                                A FRENCH CORPORATION
                                You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

                                A JAPANESE CORPORATION
                                You have two cows. You redesign them so they are an eleventh the size
                                of
                                an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.

                                A GERMAN CORPORATION
                                You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
                                once a month and milk themselves.

                                AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
                                You have two cows but you don't know where they are. You break for
                                lunch.

                                A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
                                You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
                                count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
                                learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle
                                of vodka.

                                A MEXICAN CORPORATION
                                You think you have two cows, but you're not sure where they are.
                                You'll
                                look for them tomorrow.

                                A SWISS CORPORATION
                                You have 5000 cows, none of which belongs to you. You charge for
                                storing
                                them for others.

                                A BRAZILIAN CORPORATION
                                You have two cows. You enter into a partnership with an American
                                corporation. Soon you have 1000 cows and the American corporation
                                declares bankruptcy.

                                AN INDIAN CORPORATION
                                You have two cows. You worship them.

                                A TALIBAN ORGANIZATION
                                You have two cows. You load them up with explosives and herd them onto
                                your neighbor's property where you blow them up. Your neighbor dies.
                                You
                                starve to death.



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                                Michigan Chips From CReaper
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                MICHIGANDERS...
                                43 signs that you may just be one of them.

                                You know you're from Michigan when:

                                1. You've never met any celebrities.
                                2. "Vacation" means going to Cedar Point.
                                3. At least 1 member of your family disowns you the week of the
                                Michigan/Michigan State game.
                                4. Half the change in your pocket is Canadian.
                                5. Your idea of a 7-course meal is a six-pack and a bucket of perch.
                                6. You drive 86 mph on the highway and pass on the right.
                                7. Your idea of a traffic jam is 20 cars waiting to pass an orange
                                barrel.
                                8. You know how to play (and pronounce) Euchre.
                                9. You know the "Big Mac" is something that you drive over.
                                10. You know how to pronounce "Mackinac."
                                11. You've had to switch on the "heat" and the "A/C" in the same day.
                                12. You can see a car running in a parking lot with no one in it, no
                                matter
                                what time of the year.
                                13. You end your sentences with a preposition; example: "Where's my
                                coat at"?
                                14. You bake with SODA and drink a POP.
                                15. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit,
                                vegetable,
                                grain, or animal.
                                16. You think of the 4 major food groups as beef, pork, BBQ sauce,
                                and beer.
                                17. You carry jumper cables in your car.
                                18. You design your kids Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
                                19. Driving in the winter is better because the potholes are filled
                                with snow.
                                20. Your favorite holidays are Christmas, Thanksgiving and opening of
                                Deer
                                Season, which you consider a National Holiday.
                                21. You have 10 favorite recipes for Venison.
                                22. You know what "cow tipping" and "snipe hunting" are.
                                23. Your little league game was snowed out.
                                24. You learned to drive a boat before you could ride a bike.
                                25. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
                                26. Your snow blower has more miles on it than your car.
                                27. Shoveling the driveway constitutes a great upper body workout.
                                28. You attend a formal event in your best clothing, finest jewelry,
                                and
                                snowmobile boots.
                                29. The municipality buys a zamboni before a bus.
                                30. The word "thumb" has geographical, rather than anatomical
                                significance.
                                31. You show people where you grew up by pointing to a spot on your
                                left
                                hand.
                                32. Traveling coast-to-coast means driving from Port Huron to
                                Muskegon.
                                33. You measure distance in minutes.
                                34. When giving directions, you refer to "A Michigan Left."
                                35. You know that Battle Creek not only exists, but isn't that far
                                from Hell.
                                36. You have experienced frostbite and sunburn in the same week.
                                37. Your year has 2 seasons: Winter and Construction.
                                38. Home Depot on any Saturday is busier than toy stores at
                                Christmas.
                                39. You know when it has rained because of the smell of worms.
                                40. Owning a Japanese car was a hangin' offense in your hometown.
                                41. You believe that "down south" means Toledo.
                                42. You think that everyone from a bigger city has an accent.
                                43. YOU ACTUALLY "GET" THESE JOKES AND FORWARD THEM ON TO ALL Of YOUR
                                MICHIGAN

                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                your usernames, passwords, and viewing habits?

                                What Will They Find?
                                If Your Boss Accessed Your Computer?
                                If You Took Your PC In For Repair?
                                If Your Family Used Your Computer?
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                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                Pirate Chips
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                I'm gone to play card BINGO jr.....

                                A sailor and a pirate are drinking at a waterfront bar and they
                                proceed to
                                swap sea stories. The sailor notes the pirate's peg leg, eye patch
                                and hook.
                                "So tell me," asks the sailor, "how did you come to lose that leg?"
                                "Arrgh," says the pirate, "'Twas a black squall swept me
                                overboard. Whilst in the water, a shark snapped me leg off
                                and I've had this peg leg ever since."

                                "Wow!" says the sailor. "And how'd you get the hook?"

                                "We was fighting at close quarters," says the pirate. "Some
                                scurvy dog with a cutlass hacked me hand off and I've had
                                this hook ever since."

                                "Amazing!" says the sailor. "And what about the eye patch?"

                                "Arrgh," says the pirate. "'Twas a seagull pooped in me
                                eye."

                                "A seagull?" asks the sailor, a bit incredulous.

                                "Well, I should explain," says the pirate. "'Twas me first
                                day with the new hook."


                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                From The Buffalos Mail Box

                                Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
                                ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
                                stood
                                around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

                                Hi Buffalo,
                                A couple of months ago you were talking alot about Cream Soda
                                and you found a site that sells the A&W Cream Soda and other
                                drinks and candies.
                                Can you tell me what site that was again?
                                Thanx

                                Matt Hicks


                                ~~~~

                                My friend and fellow pagan Lady Greeneyes has established a neat
                                little business in Chepstow, Ontario and I think it is well worth
                                checking out her page...she makes soaps and they are really
                                nice...make beautiful gifts...it may be too late for Christmas but
                                there is Beltane, oimelc, Valentine's, Easter, Mother's day and a
                                bunch more to think of...At the very least it would be a subtle way
                                of telling a friend they could use a little help...wink wink.

                                From yo' Mojoman
                                "Whoever said, 'No man is an island,' has obviously never seen my
                                stomach in the bath tub.

                                ----- Original Message -----
                                From: Patsy Barnhardt

                                Subject: Unicorn Soaps


                                Check out the new page I just finished. Might take a few minutes to
                                load cause there are pictures of my soaps on it. Let me know what you
                                think.... :-)

                                http://www.chepstow.ca/unicorn.html

                                ~~~~

                                reference; Don Grantham E6 type PH
                                Couldn't agree with you more Don. I'm not looking for any big
                                memorial or anything like that, we had a job to do and did it, the
                                same as is being done today. But lets spread the kudos out.

                                Korean veterans are forgotten, I've been trying for two years to get
                                some help for major hearing loss.
                                Don't really expect to get a damm thing.

                                Ron Hosmer PISN - USN 1949-1953

                                ~~~~~

                                You have such an enjoyable column but never put your address to
                                subscribe to your other lists. Several times I have received the
                                adult list by accident and would like to subscribe to it also,
                                your "Old Navy" openings are great I do enjoy them as much as the
                                jokes. Some do bring back memories not being ex-Navy doesn't make
                                them any lss funny nor does it mean that in the Air Force we didn't
                                have something similar. Keep up the good work and if you could please
                                add me to the Adult list.

                                Dave Horst

                                Buffalos-adult-jokes-subscribe@...

                                Buffalos-G-jokes-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

                                LynnLynns-Links-subscribe@yahoogroups.com

                                ~~~~

                                This is for Don Grantham E6 type PH and all other vets
                                out there who know they have been short-changed:
                                We have two choices;
                                1.Stay stuck in past resentments, or
                                2.Roll up our sleeves and start doing something
                                to change the way vets-career or otherwise- are still
                                being treated.I include our active duty brothers and
                                sisters in this.
                                I have chosen to take up the challenge of getting vets
                                their rightful due by joining the Veterans' Voting Bloc
                                (VVB)sponsored through the Uniformed Services
                                Disabled Retirees(USDR).You don't need to be retired-
                                or even a vet- to join VVB and support their objectives.
                                The current emphasis is on pressing Congress and the
                                Executive Branch to pass Concurrent Receipt legislation,
                                We have other vet-related issues, but because of the impending
                                passage of FY2002 budget,it is our current
                                biggest "Squeaky Wheel".
                                We need every voice and every vote we can get.
                                For more info, e-mail me at cookiefwbfl@... or
                                visit the Web site:http://unitedvets.tripod.com
                                Come join us,Don.Bring a few thousand friends!
                                Yours in service to those who served;
                                Jim Cook, Fort Walton Beach,FL

                                ~~~~




                                http://www.nationalreview.com/kob/kob120501.shtml

                                American Taliban's Dad
                                A father's delusions about his Taliban son.

                                December 5, 2001 8:45 a.m.


                                e's really a good boy," explains a puzzled Frank Lindh about his
                                son, Abdul Hamid, a.k.a. Sulayman al Faris, a.k.a. John Walker (take
                                that, Dad), a.k.a. John Philip Walker Lindh. Mr. Lindh is amicably
                                separated (natch) from Abdul's mother, Marilyn Walker, who is a
                                Buddhist (natch) and equally stumped about how their "sweet, shy" 20-
                                year-old son ! wound up becoming one of Osama bin Laden's armed jihad
                                warriors. A clearly confused Lindh told Larry King his son "appears
                                to have been a combatant with the Taliban," but, "I don't know of any
                                information, any suggestion of any information indicating that he's
                                done anything wrong."

                                Lindh hopes that Abdul will be "debriefed by the government and then
                                come on home." I wonder if the yellow ribbons are up at the Lindh and
                                Walker homes, where a "swift kick in the butt" awaits Abdul for
                                traveling to Afghanistan without his parents' permission. Lindh
                                apparently thinks things had been going swimmingly until that last
                                change of address. John Walker converted to Islam at age 16 and
                                dropped out of high school in favor of taking up studies at a mosque
                                in San Francisco, where he apparently missed the "Islam means peace"
                                lesson plans. At age 17, with his parents' financial support, he
                                headed to Yemen to study Arabic. Following the October 2000 attack on
                                the USS Cole that killed 17 American sailors, father and son had
                                an "uncomfortable e-mail exchange," in which "Sulayman" claimed that
                                it was an act of war for the ship to dock in the Yemeni port,
                                implying that the sailors got what they deserved.

                                Sulayman was next in Pakistan, where his father wired him $1,200,
                                although he wouldn't be there much longer as he planned to
                                go "somewhere cooler." Well, where the Taliban reigned was obviously
                                way cooler, because according to (now) Abdul "the Taliban are the
                                only government that actually provides Islamic law." On Sunday
                                morning, November 25th, Abdul was among the captured Taliban when
                                they revolted in the fortress outside Mazir-e Sharif. During the
                                revolt, CIA agent John (Mike) Spann was beaten to death.

                                The father in California who can't quite figure out what, if
                                anything, went wrong is described by Newsweek as a "strict Irish
                                Catholic." Here, my own sons are the experts. Either one of them
                                would have no trouble predicting how their strict Irish Catholic
                                father would react to the milestones Abdul passed on his way to that
                                fortress in Afghanistan. Their unenlightened father thinks that
                                the "really good" American boys in the Middle East were onboard the
                                USS Cole.


                                Buffalo says , many asked for the mssing article from last night's
                                letter from Patty.

                                ~~~~

                                Please inform South Oakie that Canada has PROVINCIAL PARKS not
                                State parks because Canada only has states of frustration when U.S.
                                Citizens don't know that Canada has provinces, not states. Paul form
                                Ohio

                                Buffalo Says I believe he was referring to a park in Michigan not
                                Ontario

                                ~~~~



                                Dear Buffalo, I beg to differ with you. I have tried many times to
                                unsubscribe from the adult list. I like the clean list. I cannot
                                unsubscribe. Yeah, I get the little notice that tells me to go to
                                yahoo and do this that and the other thing and then I will be
                                unsubscribed. I follow directions to the letter and get emails back
                                saying that I'm using the wrong screen name to unsubscribe my screen
                                name from the list. It's the only screen name I've ever had. They
                                send the mail to the name, they should be able to stop sending it to
                                the name. Maybe if they get enough complaints, they'll let us
                                unsubscribe. I even had to send this twice because the yaoo computer
                                says that I can only reply to the email from my original email
                                address that I used to subscribe with. The same email address I am
                                using now and have always used. Thanks for listening. By! the way,
                                enjoy your warm weather. We're freezing here. T

                                Buffalo says Cold here now too and problem all fixed right Sometimes
                                you
                                have to resubscribe and unsubscribe to get off Yahoo

                                ~~~
                                Re In-laws

                                Amongst friends around here we call them Out-Laws.


                                The White Indian

                                I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America,
                                and to the Republic, for which it stands, one nation, under God,
                                indivisible, with liberty and justice for all

                                ~~~~

                                STUNNING... Like nothing I've ever heard before. Please click on URL
                                at
                                bottom of forwarded page. God bless all.
                                (If this goes out twice, I apologize)

                                you have to hear this...it touched my heart deeply.

                                http://www.mikeonline.com/events/silentnight.ram

                                Mikki and Michael

                                ~~~

                                Buffalo,
                                I am in the IT industry and there is a nasty computer
                                virus circulating right now. The program that
                                delivers the bug is called Merry Christmas.exe and may
                                be the reason for this returned / deleted email. Just
                                thought you might want to know, also in case you get
                                such an email here are the details.


                                There is yet another new computer virus making the
                                rounds today. The new virus, called Maldal or Zacker,
                                appears as an email with the following attributes:

                                Subject line: Happy New Year

                                Message Text:
                                Hii
                                I can't describe my feelings
                                But all i can say is
                                Happy New Year :)
                                bye

                                Attachment: Christmas.exe

                                If you receive an email that fits this description,
                                PLEASE DO NOT OPEN THE ATTACHED FILE! Delete the
                                email immediately

                                Merry Christmas Buffalo
                                Bigdfanatic

                                PS I want to send a special great big THANK YOU to you
                                and all other men and women who have served or are
                                currently serving in our armed forces. Too many
                                people take our freedom for granted and I just wanted
                                to send thanks to those of you who make it possible.

                                Buffalo Says thought about that one but India letters started
                                before it was discovered and they specifically said Merry Christmas
                                and not Christmas Exe

                                Have a similar problem with snow white jokes

                                ~~~~~

                                Good day buffalo,

                                Here is my take of Mr Walker.

                                Choice number one, joining the radical Al-qaida organization,
                                probably an offense.
                                Secondly, and worse, staying with the group after 9-11. If he was an
                                american he would have returned to the USA and brought valuable
                                information.
                                Thirdly, when in prison and the riot started, he could have
                                surrendered, but did not.
                                Fourth, he does not condem the attack on the USS Cole (not a crime,
                                but I question his continuance as a US citizen)

                                Whatever happens to him, I would like to see his US citizenship
                                revoked. I realized he was born in the US but he turned his back on
                                his country of birth. To me he is a traitor and should be treated as
                                such. I dont know if the death penalty is warrented, however I
                                wouldnt mind an old punishment done about 200 years ago where he is
                                put on US Navy vessels for the rest of his natural life and never
                                reaches US soil again. A man without a country. Some punishments
                                are harsher than death.

                                B.J.Cassady

                                ~~~

                                Today's Chips started with
                                'Clean Clean'.
                                and ended with
                                Adult Adult.
                                Will you please make up my mind for me - of course you have to find it
                                first.
                                Wud appreciate being advised of same........
                                df

                                Buffalo says
                                It was clean but I had some adult thoughts as I finished writing it.




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                                Parting Chips From Barney
                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                As a commercial diver in the offshore oil fields of the
                                Gulf of Mexico, I was assigned to a job on board a derrick
                                barge. After my dive, I spent the required time in the
                                decompression chamber, and then I went to bed.

                                Later I walked into the TV room, where I was surprised to
                                see the entire crew sitting around. I asked one colleague,
                                dressed in his wet suit, why work had stopped.

                                Without looking up at me, he replied, "It's raining." --RD




                                ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                                this site for funny but slightly naughty T-Shirts

                                T-Shirt Hell.com

                                T-Shirts Your Mommy won't buy you.

                                Click here for horribly wrong T-Shirts
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                                If you click this link you're going to Hell!
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                                Bonus Chips

                                PUNS OF THE WEAK for the week ending 12/21/01

                                IN THE NEWS:

                                Over the past few years more money has been spent on breast implants,
                                penis implants and viagra than on Alzheimer's. In a few years we will
                                have a lot of people running around with hugebreasts and long penises
                                who won't remember what to do with them. (Ron Klar & Debbie Kegel)

                                Be sure and buy as many wool blankets as you can for this coming
                                winter.
                                There's going to be a shortage of afghans. (Biker Lynn)

                                HOLIDAY PUNS

                                Be naughty....save Santa a trip! (Marsha Coleman)

                                St. Nicholas is the main Claus. His wife is a relative Claus. His
                                children are dependent Clauses. Their Dutch uncle is a restrictive
                                Claus. As a group, they're all renoun Clauses. Santa's elves are
                                subordinate Clauses. (Richard Lederer)

                                The three phrases that best sum up the Christmas season are:
                                1. Peace on Earth
                                2. Goodwill to men
                                3. Batteries not included. (Bree Schultz)

                                How about giving them some herbs for Christmas? After all there is no
                                present like the thyme. (Clean Laughs)

                                Cross-posting to Newsgroups is inappropriate during the Christmas
                                Season. Cross-posting is proper only for Easter. (Stan Kegel)

                                What did the salt say to the pepper?
                                Season's Greetings. (Biker Lynn)

                                Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?
                                He wanted to sleep like a log. (Hirsch and McNair)

                                Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite
                                Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four
                                people on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to
                                represent. "The flight to Egypt," said Kyle. "I see. And that must be
                                Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus," Ms. Terri said. "But who's the fourth
                                person?" "Oh, that's Pontius - the Pilot. (Gail S. Angel)

                                A Biker's favorite Christmas song: "Deck the handlebars of Harley's"
                                (Scot Nelson)

                                Why did Rudolph get grounded after his dad saw his report card?
                                Because he went down in history! (Bill Rayborn)

                                "Mommy," chirped the four-year-old, "don't you think it was nice of
                                the
                                shepherds to get all cleaned up before they went to see the baby
                                Jesus?"
                                "What do you mean?" "Well, you know that song, 'While shepherds washed
                                their socks by night.'" (Beckie Shiles)

                                The participants in a Xmas pageant forgot their lines, tripped on
                                their
                                floor length costumes, and otherwise totally botched up the
                                performance.
                                All the same, they were foolish enough to show up for a curtain call,
                                at
                                which they promptly were pelted with whatever the audience had on
                                hand,
                                rather than being applauded. As they retreated backstage to clean up,
                                the lead player remarked to the others, "Well, those were certainly
                                bows of folly." (Cynthia McGregor)



                                Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

                                *********************************************

                                Remember 9/11/01
                              • buffalosjokes2001
                                Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Everything is progressing well with the New Year s
                                Message 15 of 20 , Dec 29, 2001
                                • 0 Attachment
                                  Clean Clean


                                  Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                                  name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                                  Everything is progressing well with the New Year's resolutions
                                  with about thirty received so far. Send yours to
                                  Buffalos3@... for inclusion in the New Years Day
                                  Edition.
                                  Buffalo's snowfall caused me to dig deeper into my memories to
                                  find a memory with a bigger storm than they had. This storm was good
                                  enough to close our road for ten days. The snowdrifts were over
                                  12 feet high. The bad part was that once the main roads were
                                  opened they reopened the school. The closest the bus could get
                                  was about a mile away. Walking was not a problem as the banks
                                  had frozen as hard as concrete and we used skis to get to the
                                  bus stop and stashed them till nightfall and skied back home. One
                                  morning we left a little late and missed the bus, so someone had
                                  the brainstorm to walk to school so we could tell our kids stories
                                  like my dad did. It was at least a 5 mile walk and took several
                                  hours. I was about ready to quit school when they finally got the
                                  road opened . They used snowblowers like the airports have
                                  ( Sno-Go ) and blew a tunnel till the chute was blocked, back up
                                  and break the top of the tunnel with a backhoe and then bring the
                                  snowblower back in . It took several days to clear our road to just
                                  wider than a car width so the road could be reopened. They
                                  continued widening it in the spots that had trees so that people
                                  could pass each other. Enjoy the chips and stay warm .. Buffalo has
                                  the next four days off and I will be on the net.



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                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                  Murphy's Laws Of Computer Chips
                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                  1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it
                                  to
                                  happen.

                                  2. When you get to the point where you really understand your
                                  computer, it's
                                  probably obsolete.

                                  3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the
                                  manual
                                  where you least expect to find it.

                                  4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.

                                  5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.

                                  6. To err is human . . . to blame your computer for your mistakes is
                                  even
                                  more human, it is downright natural.

                                  7. He who laughs last probably made a back-up.

                                  8. If at first you do not succeed, blame your computer.

                                  9. A complex system that does not work is invariably found to have
                                  evolved
                                  from a simpler system that worked just fine.

                                  10. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.

                                  11. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but
                                  rarely
                                  what you want to do.



                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                  Toon Chips
                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                  Hey if you guys wanna play snow volleyball
                                  go roll your own and quit messng with my head!!!

                                  http://hee-hee.com//i.php?P=1-1-2&R=1-7-1

                                  You touch my tummy, mister, and you're dog meat!!
                                  http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny583.html
                                  <a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny583.html">Here</a>

                                  He's going to keep the pace
                                  http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny584.html
                                  <a href="http://www.aikenslaughs.com/forfun/funny584.html">Here</a>

                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                  Mirror Chips
                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                  An old man and his wife lived deep in the hills and seldom saw many
                                  people. One day a peddler came by to sell his goods and asked the man
                                  if
                                  he or his wife wanted to buy anything. "Well, my wife ain't home,
                                  she's
                                  gone down to the crick to wash clothes but lemme see what you got,"
                                  said
                                  the man. The peddler showed him pots and pans, tools and gadgets, but
                                  the old man wasn't interested. Then the man spotted a mirror and said,
                                  "What's that?" Before the peddler could tell him it was a mirror, the
                                  old man picked it up and said, "My God how'd you get a picture
                                  of my Pappy?" The old man was so happy; he traded his wife's best
                                  pitcher for it. The peddler left before the wife came back and spoiled
                                  his sale. The old man was worried that the wife would be mad at him
                                  for
                                  trading her best pitcher, so he hid it in the barn behind some boxes
                                  of
                                  junk. He would go out to the barn 2 or 3 times a day to look at the
                                  "picture" and eventually the wife got suspicious. One day she got fed
                                  up
                                  and after he retired for the night, she went out to the barn. She saw
                                  the mirror behind the boxes, picked it up and said, "so this is the
                                  hussy he's been foolin' around with!"



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                                  Kansas Chips
                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                  Out in Kansas, tornadoes often hit with sudden devastation,
                                  without warning, and with unusual patterns of destruction.
                                  In one case, a house was completely whisked away leaving
                                  only the foundation and first floor. A silver-haired farm lady
                                  was seen sitting dazed, in a bathtub, the only remaining
                                  part of the house left above the floor.
                                  The rescue squad rushed to her aid and found her unhurt.
                                  She was just sitting there in the tub, talking to herself.
                                  "It was the strangest thing... it was the strangest thing..."
                                  she kept repeating dazedly.
                                  "What was the strangest thing, Ma'am?" asked one of the
                                  rescuers.
                                  "I was visiting my daughter here, taking a bath, and all I did
                                  was pull the plug... and the whole darned house suddenly
                                  drained away."



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                                  Jailbreak Chips
                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                  A convicted felon was given ten years without parole for his latest
                                  crime.
                                  After 2 years in jail, he managed to escape. His escape was the lead
                                  item on the six o'clock news.
                                  Because he had to be careful, he worked his way home taking little
                                  travelled routes, running across deserted fields and taking every
                                  precaution he could think of. Eventually he arrived at his house and
                                  he rang the bell.
                                  His wife opened the door and bellowed at him, "You good-for-nothing
                                  bum!
                                  Where the heck have ya been? You escaped over six hours ago."


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                                  LynnLynn's Links



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                                  A blonde is driving down the road. She notices that she's low on gas
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                                  that she locked the keys in the car. So, when she goes inside to pay,
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                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                  Stupid Chips
                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                  During a friendly argument, my husband asked me
                                  why I married him in the first place.

                                  "I was just stupid," I teased.

                                  When he said he was happy to hear that, I requested
                                  an explanation.

                                  "People get divorced all the time because they fall
                                  out of love," he said. "But I've never heard of
                                  anybody falling out of stupid."


                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                  your usernames, passwords, and viewing habits?

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                                  Job Ad Chips
                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                  "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION"
                                  You'll be making under $6 an hour.

                                  "ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY"
                                  You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

                                  "AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY"
                                  There's no chance on earth that we'll be the next Microsoft.

                                  "PROFIT-SHARING PLAN"
                                  Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left.

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                                  "IMMEDIATE OPENING":
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                                  now running the ad.

                                  "SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER":
                                  We can't supply you with leads. (and/or)
                                  There's no base salary to speak of. (and/or)
                                  You'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

                                  "SELF-MOTIVATED":
                                  Don't expect management to answer questions

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                                  After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible
                                  and a $35 co-pay

                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                  From The Buffalos Mail Box

                                  Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
                                  ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
                                  stood
                                  around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

                                  Hey Buffalo;
                                  I have two questions that maybe your readers can answer:

                                  1. If Barbie has been so popular all these years, how come you have
                                  to buy all her friends?

                                  2. If swimming is such good exercise, how do you explain Whales?

                                  Keep the clean jokes coming. Horace

                                  ~~~~~

                                  Evenin' to you , Buffalo...

                                  Here is an easier way to eliminate the hang up at 10%
                                  whe trying to run defrag. I was shown this method several
                                  years ago, and it's never failed me since then.


                                  1. START > Run, type in msconfig Hit 'go'
                                  2. on the GENERAL tab, uncheck all items listed
                                  under selective startup (make sure that
                                  selective startup has a check in it )
                                  3. hit apply and OK and restart windows
                                  4. this starts windows with only the basics running and
                                  insures that nothing will interfere with either
                                  scandisc or defrag
                                  5. Run scandisc and/or defrag. When done, go back
                                  into msconfig, select normal startup, and reboot.


                                  A lot of computers can get past the 10% an easier way yet.
                                  Simply exit out of all items in the lower right tray, go
                                  directly into defrag, when finished, reboot to return all items
                                  to the tray.

                                  Rick in Fl


                                  ~~~~~

                                  Hey Buffalo, just have to kick in a short comment about Hanoi Jane.
                                  Yes, whether it was a "declared" war or not, she gave comfort and aid
                                  to the enemy that had a direct result of extremely negative
                                  consequences for our troops, that constitutes treason. As a
                                  Christian nation we ore obliged to forgive those that trespass
                                  against us, but that does not mean that the guilty do not have to
                                  face their punishment. As soon as she gets incarcerated, I will
                                  forgive her. Thanks for the chance to put my 2 cents worth in. Keep
                                  up the good work, (and I am not talking about shoveling the white
                                  stuff either). Aloha, John

                                  John Nagy
                                  Ewa Beach, HI

                                  ~~~~

                                  HI, Buffalo: I read the item that Mojoman sent in about defragging
                                  and scan disk. What works for me best (and the quickest) is to just
                                  disable my Norton Antivirus. You don't have to go through all that
                                  rigormaroll. It will turn itself back on again if you
                                  should forget. The idea being that you can't run two programs at
                                  once while you are
                                  doing the defrag, disk cleanup and scan the disk. Hope this is
                                  helpful to some of you who also have a problem with the above
                                  starting and stopping. I could never figure out why mine would go to
                                  10% and then start all over again. The Vernor's Lady - olmndjy


                                  ~~~~~

                                  Hi Buffako.
                                  I am a long time reader of your newsletter and just saw something
                                  that
                                  scared the heck out of me!! ... Messing with the registry to run
                                  defrag!!!
                                  Registry work scares me..much!
                                  All you have to do is the use the old stand-by, "cntl.alt.del" which
                                  brings
                                  up the task manager and that allows one to "end task" anything
                                  running
                                  except "internet explorer" and "systray". All the "system tools" will
                                  then
                                  run with no interruptions. Win 2000 has one more step but it is
                                  intuitive
                                  once you do the first steps.
                                  The interruptions come from programs that are loaded automatically
                                  when you
                                  boot tne machine. Just stop them from running as shown above and all
                                  maintenance will work well.
                                  Hope you had a very Merry Christmas and will have a Happy New Year!!!
                                  I enjoy your work but just don't know how you have the time to do it
                                  all!!

                                  Jim


                                  ~~~~~

                                  Question For Mojoman

                                  Since I run into that problem often, I tried it. Can't get past
                                  the "Applets" part of it. Don't find a "defrag" in there,
                                  or "settings"....any clues? Thanks much!

                                  Cme4flt
                                  ~~~~

                                  You blew my bubble about Santa. I am 48 and "did" believe.
                                  AAHHH!!! On second thought I still believe and Santa is still
                                  alive.
                                  I also believe in the Birth of our Lord Jesus. What Wonder!!

                                  Tennie


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                                  Parting Chips
                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                  One day three men were walking along and came upon a raging, violent
                                  river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to
                                  do it.
                                  The first man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength
                                  to
                                  cross this river." Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he
                                  was able to swim across the river in about two hours.
                                  Seeing this, the second man prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me
                                  the strength and ability to cross this river." Poof! God gave him a
                                  rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about three hours.
                                  The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he
                                  also
                                  prayed to God saying, "Please God, give me the strength, ability and
                                  intelligence to cross this river." And Poof! God turned him into a
                                  woman. She looked at the map, then walked across the bridge.


                                  ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                                  Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

                                  Bonus Chips

                                  This minister just had all of his remaining teeth pulled and new
                                  dentures were being made. The first Sunday, he only preached 10
                                  minutes.
                                  The second Sunday, he preached only 20 minutes. But, on the third
                                  Sunday, he preached 1 hour and 25 minutes. When asked about this by
                                  some
                                  of the congregation, he responded this way..... The first Sunday, my
                                  gums were so sore it hurt to talk. The second Sunday, my dentures were
                                  hurting a lot. The third Sunday, I accidentally grabbed my wife's
                                  dentures..... AND I COULDN'T STOP TALKING!



                                  *********************************************

                                  Remember 9/11/01
                                • buffalosjokes2001
                                  Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Every aircraft carrier used to have a Marine
                                  Message 16 of 20 , Jan 4, 2002
                                  • 0 Attachment
                                    Clean Clean


                                    Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                                    name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                                    Every aircraft carrier used to have a Marine detachment onboard
                                    to provide security in sensitive areas on the ship such as the nuclear
                                    weapons area , disbursing, computer, and other high security areas.
                                    It was not great duty for any soldier and varied between hours of
                                    watchstanding at parade rest on the brows, at Captains mast, and
                                    in the paylines, to running through the ship in underwear at 3 A.M.
                                    responding to a security alert that most often was a drill. In times
                                    of casualties they served as stretcher bearers and cleaned up after
                                    fires. Through all this they were expected to be alert, enthusiastic,
                                    and maintain their appearance as if they had just stood an inspection.
                                    They carried weapons, M-14 and M-16 rifles. Pump Shotguns for
                                    security alerts, and the .45 pistol as a sidearm on all other watches.
                                    Every group aboard ship had its misfits and MARDET was no
                                    different.

                                    I met Cpl Thompson , who was in the Marine Detachment
                                    aboard ship in a line waiting to go to Captain's mast . I was
                                    escorting one of my own people who had been absent without leave and
                                    was watching as Thompson's sergeant twirled a set of hand cuffs and
                                    told him how long he would be in the brig .. Curiosity got the best
                                    of me and I asked what the charges were.. Seems the Cpl , upset
                                    because he had been told he could not have two pieces of Swiss
                                    steak had pulled his side arm on the server .. looking at the .45
                                    cal auto I imagine the man gave him the whole pan of steak heh heh ..
                                    Violence at the chow line is frowned on by the US Marine Corps , no
                                    matter how good the food is and Corporal Thompson was told he
                                    was going to the brig for thirty days on the first charge that he
                                    was facing and then he would go back to the Captain for a
                                    second trip to the brig along with forfeiture of half of his pay
                                    and a reduction in rank.
                                    It seems hard to believe that our ships no longer have Marines
                                    attached to them security purposes, they did their job well.

                                    Enjoy the Chips today's stories were sent in by the readers
                                    and they have done a great job... Buffalo




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                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    Creation Chips From Jay
                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    The Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) was activated in Dec. 1970
                                    with
                                    William Ruckelshaus as its director. The Agency had been established
                                    earlier in July by executive order of President Nixon.

                                    THE BEGINNING In the beginning, God created the heavens and the
                                    earth. He
                                    was immediately slapped with a class-action suit for failing to file
                                    an
                                    environmental impact statement with the EPA. God was granted a
                                    temporary
                                    permit for the project but was stymied with the cease-and-desist
                                    order for
                                    the earthly part.

                                    At the hearing, God said, "Let there be light." Immediately, the
                                    officials
                                    demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip
                                    mining?
                                    What about thermal pollution?

                                    God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. He
                                    was
                                    granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke
                                    would
                                    result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit
                                    and
                                    that, to conserve energy, he would turn the light off half the time.

                                    God agreed and said he would call the light "day" and the
                                    darkness "night".
                                    Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.

                                    God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herbs and bear much seed."
                                    The EPA agreed, as long as native seed was used.

                                    Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures begetting
                                    life;
                                    and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this
                                    would
                                    require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the
                                    Heavenly
                                    Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.

                                    Everything went smoothly until God said He wanted to complete the
                                    project in
                                    six days. Officials said it would take at lease 200 days to review
                                    the
                                    application and impact statement. After that there would be a public
                                    hearing. Then there would be a 10 to 12 month approval period
                                    before....

                                    At that point, God created Hell.


                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    Toon Chips
                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    Reality TV It Does't Get Any Deadlier Than This
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                                    The modern port-a-potty!!
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                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    Dog Chips From Robbin
                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    Livin` A Dogs Life

                                    When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
                                    ****
                                    Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
                                    ****
                                    Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure
                                    ecstasy.
                                    ****
                                    When it's in your best interest, practice obedience.
                                    ****
                                    Let others know when they've invaded your territory.
                                    ****
                                    Take naps. Stretch before rising.
                                    ****
                                    Run, romp, and play daily.
                                    ****
                                    Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
                                    ****
                                    On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
                                    ****
                                    On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
                                    ****
                                    When you're happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
                                    ****
                                    No matter how often you're scolded, don't buy into the guilt thing and
                                    pout... run right back and make friends.
                                    ****
                                    Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
                                    ****
                                    Eat with gusto and enthusiasm. Stop when you have had enough.
                                    ****
                                    Be loyal.
                                    ****
                                    Never pretend to be something you're not. **** If what you want lies
                                    buried, dig until you find it.
                                    ****
                                    When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle
                                    them gently.

                                    ~Robbin~



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                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    Marriage Chips From FJ Snell
                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    On their way to get married, a young couple was involved in a fatal
                                    car
                                    accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates
                                    waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

                                    While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married
                                    in
                                    Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I
                                    don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find
                                    out."
                                    He left and the couple sat and waited for an answer ... for a couple
                                    of
                                    months.

                                    While they waited, they discussed that IF they were allowed to get
                                    married
                                    in Heaven, SHOULD they get married, what with the eternal aspect of
                                    it all.
                                    "What if it doesn't work?" they wondered, "Are we stuck together
                                    FOREVER?"

                                    After yet another month, St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat
                                    bedraggled.
                                    "Yes," he informed the couple, "you can get married in Heaven."
                                    "Great!" said the couple, "But we were just wondering, what if things
                                    don't
                                    work out?
                                    Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

                                    St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard onto the
                                    ground.

                                    "What's wrong?" asked the frightened couple.

                                    "Oh, come on!!" St. Peter shouted, "It took me three months to find a
                                    preacher up here!
                                    Do you have any idea how long it'll take me to find a lawyer?"

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    British Chips From The Richeys
                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    A local community club was organizing a baseball team. They could only
                                    muster eight players, and were hard put to find a ninth. In
                                    desperation,
                                    they called on a new member, a very reserved Englishman who had just
                                    moved into the neighborhood from London, to join their team.

                                    During their first game, the Englishman came to bat. On the very first
                                    pitch, he knocked the ball out of the park.

                                    The team members stood there, dumfounded. Unfortunately, so did the
                                    Englishman.

                                    "Run!" his teammates cried. "For Pete's sake, run!"

                                    The Brit turned and stared at them icily. "I jolly well shan't run,"
                                    he
                                    replied. "I'm perfectly willing to buy you chaps another ball."



                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                    LynnLynn's Links



                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                                    Dr. Seuss Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash From FJ Snell

                                    If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port, and the bus is
                                    interrupted
                                    at a very last resort, and the access of the memory makes your floppy
                                    disk
                                    abort, then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.

                                    If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash, and the double-
                                    clicking
                                    icon puts Your window in the trash, and your data is corrupted cause
                                    the
                                    index doesn't hash, then your situation's hopeless and your system's
                                    gonna
                                    crash!!

                                    If the label on the cable on the table at your house says the network
                                    is
                                    connected to the button on your mouse, but your packets want to
                                    tunnel to
                                    another protocol, that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the
                                    hall,
                                    and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss, so
                                    your icons
                                    in the window are as wavy as a souse; then you may as well reboot and
                                    go out
                                    with a bang, 'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!

                                    When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk, and the
                                    macro
                                    code instructions cause unnecessary risk, then you'll have to flash
                                    the
                                    memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM. Quickly turn off the computer
                                    and be
                                    sure to tell your Mom!

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                    of romance and sexual interest. Wear sexual attractants
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                                    women report marital bliss enhanced with these rare products.
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                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    Geezer Chips
                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    Since none of you receiving this are "Geezers" (;-0), it's being sent

                                    to you so you can recognize them.

                                    "Geezers" (slang for an old man) are easy to spot:

                                    At sporting events, during the playing of the National Anthem, Old
                                    Geezers
                                    hold their caps over their hearts and sing without embarrassment.
                                    They know
                                    the words and believe in them.

                                    Old Geezers remember World War I, the Depression, World War II, Pearl
                                    Harbor, Guadalcanal, Normandy and Hitler. They remember the Atomic
                                    Age, the
                                    Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing, not to
                                    mention
                                    Vietnam.

                                    If you bump into an Old Geezer on the sidewalk, he will apologize.

                                    If you pass an Old Geezer on the street, he will nod or tip his cap
                                    to a
                                    lady.

                                    Old Geezers trust strangers and are courtly to women.

                                    Old Geezers hold the door for the next person and always, when
                                    walking, make
                                    certain the lady is on the inside for protection.

                                    Old Geezers get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and
                                    children
                                    and they don't like violence and filth on TV or in movies.

                                    Old Geezers have moral courage. They seldom brag unless it's about
                                    their
                                    grandchildren.

                                    It's the Old Geezers who know our great country is protected, not by
                                    politicians or police, but by the young men and women in the military
                                    serving their country.

                                    This country needs Old Geezers with their decent values. We need them
                                    now
                                    more than ever.

                                    Thank God for Old Geezers!

                                    Pass this on to all the Old Geezers you know.



                                    Chuck...Holland

                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                    Gorilla Chips From Amzon Devil
                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    When I read this I laughed so hard I knew I had to share it with all
                                    my
                                    friends so that they could have a good laugh too!!!




                                    A man reads in the paper of a white gorilla in a zoo far away.
                                    He decides that he just must see it. The journey will be a
                                    long and arduous one but he simply cannot resist.

                                    He sets out on his trip and travels by car to the docks, and
                                    catches a boat across a huge ocean. After weeks of sea travel
                                    he arrives at the other side and takes a train to the zoo.

                                    When he sees the white gorilla he can't believe this eyes,
                                    it's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen. He simply must
                                    get a closer look, so he goes to the zoo manager and begs to
                                    be allowed into the gorilla's cage.

                                    After much arguing the man finally persuades the manager to
                                    let him in to the gorilla's cage, but before he does he tells
                                    the man that what ever he does he must not under any
                                    circumstances touch the white gorilla.

                                    The man agrees and is led to the cage.

                                    He tip-toes into the cage and is amazed, the gorilla is even
                                    more beautiful ! close up than it was from a distance. The
                                    white gorilla just sits quietly and looks at the man. After a
                                    while the man is getting used to being so close to the gorilla
                                    and it seems so peaceful and calm that he starts to think that
                                    there can't be any harm in touching the gorilla. He slowly
                                    moves closer and closer to it, all the time the white gorilla
                                    just looks calmly at him. He reaches out his arm and gently
                                    touches the gorilla.

                                    Just as his arm makes contact the gorilla jumps up and starts
                                    roaring. The man turns and runs to the exit, getting there
                                    just before the gorilla. He leaps through the door and the
                                    keepers slam the door just in time.

                                    The gorilla, pulls at the door and to the mans horror the bars
                                    start to bend. The man runs out of the zoo and to the train
                                    station and jumps on the train, which as luck would have it is
                                    just leaving. He glances back and can see the gorilla ch! asing
                                    after the train, but not gaining on it.

                                    The train arrives at the docks and the man quickly scampers
                                    aboard the boat. The boat leaves and the man thinks he's safe
                                    at last. He relaxes and starts to enjoy the leisurely cruise
                                    back across the ocean. The day they're due back in port he's
                                    walking on deck when he sees a small shape in the water
                                    trailing behind the boat. He can't make it out so he borrows
                                    a pair of binoculars from someone.

                                    He focuses the binoculars on the small shape and is horrified
                                    to discover that it's the white gorilla, swimming behind the
                                    boat. It must have been there all along.

                                    The boat then arrives in port and the man hurries through
                                    customs and rushes to his car. He drives off just in time to
                                    see the gorilla climbing out of the ocean from his rear view
                                    mirror. He drives as fast as he can to his house and runs in
                                    locking the door behind him. All the! time being followed be
                                    the huge white gorilla.

                                    The gorilla starts pounding on the door and having seen what
                                    it did to the cage at the zoo the man knows it won't take it
                                    very long to get in. He runs from room to room trying to
                                    think of a place he can hide.

                                    He hears the door shatter and dives into a wardrobe and pulls
                                    the door closed behind him. Outside the gorilla is going mad
                                    trying to find the man, he's ripping things up and tearing out
                                    doors. Finally he comes to the wardrobe the man is hiding in
                                    and rips the door off. The gorilla sees the man and smiles,
                                    reaches out a massive hand and gently touches the man and
                                    says:

                                    "Tag, you're it!!!"




                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                    From The Buffalos Mail Box

                                    Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
                                    ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
                                    stood
                                    around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )




                                    Tell him to go to hell, He should try and find someplace besides the
                                    USA to
                                    live with an idiotic opinion like his. Sounds Like he is
                                    Taliban.................
                                    John

                                    ~~~

                                    Greetings Buffalo Bill,

                                    First of all the reason your publication is so damn popular is that
                                    it has
                                    some jokes yes, but far more important is lets us pee-ons express our
                                    views
                                    and this is FAR more important than the jokes.

                                    Peri Dwyer had hit the nail on the head with his comments and I'm
                                    glad he
                                    came back with his rebuttal and well done too. Bush did what any other
                                    president would have done when the WTC was attacked but to forget
                                    about the
                                    real problems here at home, which he has done, is not acceptable.
                                    Right now
                                    everyone is waving the flag and very patriotic but by this summer
                                    this too
                                    will fade (sad to say) and the citizens will start to think about
                                    their own
                                    lives and how they are fairing. We are asked to give up some of our
                                    freedoms
                                    and conveniences because of security and national interest, baloney,
                                    we can
                                    have both. The American people soon will grow tired of the long lines
                                    and
                                    hassle of the airlines. As a traveler I find the way things are now
                                    run to
                                    be a joke and for short hauls it's cheaper and easier to rent a car
                                    and
                                    drive.

                                    From the very beginning I have been questioning the Red Cross and
                                    other fund
                                    raisers from the WTC attack. Finally they were asked to be
                                    accountable and
                                    get the money out there but it has all died down again and still no
                                    real
                                    statements on who is getting how much and are they really getting out
                                    there.
                                    Figure the interest alone on 1.6 billion, the longer they wait to
                                    dish it
                                    out the more money "they" get to keep.

                                    Why isn't the Bush administration pushing the American people to be
                                    more
                                    patriotic if they save energy, water and the environment rather than
                                    let's
                                    blow them bastards up? Why aren't they working with OPEC to keep the
                                    oil
                                    prices stable at a time when there is a need for lower prices to get
                                    the
                                    world economies going again? Why aren't they willing to work with the
                                    Democrats to provide extended coverage for the unemployed rather than
                                    the
                                    old "tax cut" sham that only helps the wealthy? The lists go on and
                                    on but
                                    we all need to be watching the "back" door rather than the front
                                    doors main
                                    show. Before we hide behind our flag or our party loyalty we all need
                                    to be
                                    aware of what is "really" going on in this county and voice your
                                    opinions
                                    and as we found out in November of 2000, VOTE!

                                    I vote for Peri for Governor of Florida, Jeb is a one term Governor
                                    for
                                    sure.

                                    Cheers,

                                    Alibi from Florida

                                    ~~~~

                                    Just a word or two to Peri...you go girl!!!...continue to call it as
                                    you see
                                    it...one of the most wonderful things about our neighbours to the
                                    south is
                                    their freedom of speech and to hold an opinion contrary to the
                                    masses. We
                                    can do that up here too but we don't always exercise the right when we
                                    should.

                                    I too read foreign source news quite a lot and must agree with many
                                    of your
                                    points...especially your assessment of Dubya as being no better than
                                    Clinton. Has the news been managed...well, duh!! Truth is one of the
                                    first
                                    casualties of war. People are pissed off at what Jane Fonda did
                                    because of
                                    its PROPAGANDA value...both the German and Allied presses were very
                                    heavily
                                    managed in the second world war. Why else do you think that during
                                    those
                                    dark years so many German-Canadians and German-Americans suddenly
                                    became
                                    Austrian...so they would be vilified or even physically assaulted.


                                    Kepp it up Peri...more power to you. At least you recognize that your
                                    detractors are entitled to their opinions and to their expression of
                                    same...more than they are to you

                                    "Men are like steel. When they lose their temper,
                                    they lose their worth." -- Chuck Norris

                                    da Mojoman

                                    ~~~~

                                    Been getting your joke lists for about 4 years and really enjoy
                                    them. Like
                                    to read the comments from other readers too. I saw one in
                                    Wednesday's I had
                                    to respond to.
                                    For the person who says they feel the TWIN TOWERS would still be
                                    standing if
                                    Bush hadn't been elected- Where did you pull that piece of poop out
                                    of?? Do
                                    you still believe in the toothfairy and the easter bunny as well.
                                    Your
                                    beliefs appear to be grounded in nevernever land and not the reality
                                    that
                                    the rest of the world lives in. How on earth can you justify a
                                    remark like
                                    that? The experts were saying that the attack had been planned for at
                                    least
                                    a year or two and unless I missed a change in mathmatics, that means
                                    Clinton
                                    was in office when they started their horrible plans. Never mind,
                                    there is
                                    no point in trying to explain something to someone who is so
                                    irrational as
                                    to blame a national tragedy on anyone other than osama and iraq and
                                    their
                                    cohorts. Did you trade in your common sense at some point? Are you
                                    still
                                    allowed to drive?
                                    Please get mental health care for the sake of those around you.


                                    ~~~~~~


                                    This is in regard to Peri Dwyer's comment that the Twin Towers would
                                    still
                                    be standing if George W. Bush had not been elected: Excuse my
                                    language, but
                                    how the HELL can you blame the attacks of 9/11 on one man?! As far
                                    as that
                                    goes, why don't we blame YOU for the attacks! What could Al Gore
                                    have done
                                    that would have prevented all the death and destruction?! If you
                                    don't
                                    remember, it took *4* guys to keep one plane from crashing into the
                                    White
                                    House! Let's not play the Blame Game!!! We all know what sick
                                    psycho did
                                    it--although I for one, will never understand WHY! I am very proud
                                    of my
                                    country and of our President! I am sad, though, that it took a
                                    tragedy of
                                    this magnitude to bring the American People together. Have you ever
                                    seen so
                                    many flags flying--not even this many on the 4th of July!!!

                                    ~~~~~~

                                    must say Peri... after reading that asinine comment about the Twin
                                    Towers
                                    still standing if George W. Bush had not been ELECTED President...
                                    Just
                                    where have you been the last 8 years that Clinton was in office?? The
                                    terrorists did attack ... many times around the world, and many of
                                    our
                                    innocent soldiers were killed. Do you know why they attacked us on
                                    our home
                                    front? Because in all that time they never got more than a few pat
                                    words
                                    from our President about finding who was responsible and making them
                                    pay.
                                    Clinton did not have the background or the testicular fortitude to
                                    wage a
                                    war against terrorism.
                                    Thank God we have a President now who will stand and not back down
                                    from
                                    terrorists. Heaven help us if Gore had been our President when this
                                    tragedy
                                    occurred.

                                    Purple Lady

                                    ~~~

                                    Hi Buffalo.
                                    Love your site. I can relate to so much of your mail. As a veteran of
                                    the
                                    Navy, I can remember the Captain's Mast, and how worthless I felt
                                    standing
                                    there on the deck in front of the Captain, telling him about why I
                                    happened
                                    to be drunk and getting into a fight while on liberty. Our Captain,
                                    unlike
                                    some others, happened to be a saint. He well understood how easily
                                    seventeen
                                    and eighteen old kids, away from home for the first time, could get
                                    into
                                    trouble. I never thought he gave me any more punishment than I
                                    deserved. I
                                    always felt worse about letting him down than I did about any extra
                                    duty he
                                    gave me. Our ship was originally an LST, later refitted and re-
                                    commissioned
                                    as the USS Krishna, ARL 38, based in Little Creek, VA. Captain Brown
                                    was the
                                    original Captain after the re-commissioning. He was the type of man
                                    that
                                    inspired loyalty, and I think any man on the ship would have fought
                                    to the
                                    death for him. After he retired and left our ship, we inherited a born
                                    prick,
                                    and thank God I never had to go before him. The punishment he meted
                                    out was
                                    usually inconsistent with the degree of rule infringement. I actually
                                    racked
                                    up enough good time to be eligible for a good conduct ribbon before I
                                    was
                                    discharged.
                                    Keep up the good work,
                                    John Moore


                                    ~~~~~~


                                    Hi ya Buffalo,

                                    Thanks for all the great comedy you supply day in
                                    and day out. Its always good to start my day with
                                    a dose of buffalo chips! Good in vitamins and
                                    minerals and fat free too!

                                    Well, anyway, I am sending this to say sorry to
                                    hear about your snow troubles of recent past.
                                    Here in the south (I am in NC) last night we got
                                    7 inches of the white powdery nuisance and have a
                                    few more inches promised before the end of the
                                    day today.

                                    Come on down if you want more snow. We'll pull up
                                    the snow sleds and shovels, race down a few hills
                                    and hit a few trees.

                                    Catch you later!

                                    Marvin

                                    PS, your last edition indicated your cruise in
                                    Vietnam was in 1873. Damn, I did not know you
                                    were sooooo old!

                                    ~~~

                                    If you took a cruise in 1873, you are older than dirt! LOL Gotcha.
                                    Hilma

                                    ~~~~

                                    Hi Buffalo and Friends...again!
                                    Just a note on the foul-up I mentioned on a previous issue about
                                    McAfee
                                    deleting registry entries. As a refresher, McAfee's "QuickClean",
                                    part of
                                    Virusscan 6.0 Pro., can and does, rearrange entries in the registry
                                    so the
                                    Install/Uninstall Programs in Windows2000 will not work.
                                    After trying all the "easy fixes" provided by Microsoft like "registry
                                    editing", and nothing fixed the problem I must now reinstall the
                                    whole OS.
                                    I still have heard nothing frm McAfee about this. Zdnet and Microsoft
                                    are
                                    aware of the problem and offer the fixes of which the last option is
                                    to
                                    reinstall the OS! Just be aware of the mess "QuickClean" can cause.
                                    McAfee??, Yes, I'm very unhappy about it. I'll update IF I hear
                                    anything.
                                    THANKS for the best of the web!

                                    Jim






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                                    Parting Chips From Verne
                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                    While driving through Buffalo after a heavy snow storm, a motorist
                                    noted a
                                    cop, apparently waist deep in snow, directing traffic. Feeling sorry
                                    for
                                    him, the motorist called out "I'm sorry you have to work half buried
                                    in the
                                    snow."
                                    The cop called back "Don't feel sorry for me, feel sorry for my
                                    horse!"


                                    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                    Bonus Chip From Jr Hi y'all

                                    There was this case in one hospital's Intensive
                                    Care ward where patients always died in the same bed
                                    and on Sunday morning at 11 a.m., regardless of their
                                    medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some
                                    even thought that it had something to do with the
                                    supernatural. No one could solve the mystery..... as
                                    to why the deaths at 11 a.m. on Sundays?
                                    So a world-wide team of experts was constituted and
                                    they decide to go down to the ward to investigate the
                                    cause of the incidents. So, on the next Sunday
                                    morning, a few minutes before 11 a.m., all doctors and
                                    nurses nervously wait outside the ward to see for
                                    themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about.
                                    Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and
                                    other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits...
                                    Just when the clock struck 11...

                                    Curt Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered
                                    the ward and unplugged the life support system so that he
                                    could use the vacuum cleaner.





                                    Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

                                    *********************************************

                                    Remember 9/11/01
                                  • buffalosjokes2001
                                    Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. Just when you think everything is going well with
                                    Message 17 of 20 , Jan 11, 2002
                                    • 0 Attachment
                                      Clean Clean


                                      Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                                      name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                                      Just when you think everything is going well with the economy.
                                      As usual all the rumors you hear and hope that aren't true will
                                      become headlines in the near future. I had been following the
                                      developing ENRON mess for several months , listening to the
                                      stories of how a 90 dollar stock had become worthless, payments
                                      of millions from the operating funds left to executives to stay on
                                      through the bankruptcy, and thankful that I wasn't invested in
                                      any of it. It was just a big company that would pass into oblivion
                                      and I wasn't involved. But there are readers who weren't so lucky
                                      those who lost jobs or lost their retirement that I didn't account
                                      for. It has gotten too easy the past few years with the money that
                                      was thrown away on tech stocks to forget the people affected
                                      when you go from 90 billion to bankruptcy. An investigation is
                                      necessary and my hopes are that the persons responsible have
                                      to pay. It is going to be a hardship for the country having our
                                      leaders involved in a scandal at this time but I still believe that
                                      they acted within the law and if it is wrong then change it.
                                      None of this will help the people hurt by this, what can be done
                                      to help them? Just saying we are sorry is inadequate, any ideas?

                                      Enjoy the chips.

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                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      Computer Chips
                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                      C:\WINDOWS
                                      C:\WINDOWS\GO
                                      C:\PC\CRAWL

                                      C:\DOS
                                      C:\DOS\RUN
                                      RUN\DOS\RUN

                                      My name is BAUD
                                      James BAUD

                                      Cannot find
                                      REALITY.SYS
                                      Universe Halted

                                      My computer never had bugs.
                                      It just develops Random Features

                                      CONGRESS.SYS
                                      Corrupt: Re-boot Washington?

                                      BREAKFAST.COM
                                      Halted.....
                                      Cereal Port Not Responding

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                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      Toon Chips
                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      You Are Here
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                                      Does It Wander?
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                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      AT &T Chips
                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      One thing that has always bugged me, and I'm sure it does most of you,
                                      is to sit down at the dinner table only to be interrupted by a phone
                                      call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to
                                      be
                                      as irritating as they were to me. The call was from AT&T and it went
                                      something like this:

                                      (swallowing)
                                      Me: Hello
                                      AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T...
                                      Me: Is this AT&T?
                                      AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T...
                                      Me: This is AT&T?
                                      AT&T: Yes This is AT&T...
                                      Me: Is this AT&T?
                                      AT&T: YES! This is AT&T, may I speak to Mr. Byron please?
                                      Me: May I ask who is calling?
                                      AT&T: This is AT&T.
                                      Me: OK, hold on.

                                      At this point I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking
                                      that,
                                      surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much
                                      to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, they were still
                                      waiting.

                                      Me: Hello?
                                      AT&T: Is this Mr. Byron?
                                      Me: May I ask who is calling please?
                                      AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
                                      Me: Is this AT&T?
                                      AT&T: Yes this is AT&T...
                                      Me: This is AT&T?
                                      AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Byron?
                                      Me: Yes, is this AT&T?
                                      AT&T: Yes sir.
                                      Me: The phone company?
                                      AT&T: Yes sir.
                                      Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.
                                      AT&T: Yes sir, we are a phone company.
                                      Me: I already have a phone.
                                      AT&T: We aren't selling phones today Mr. Byron.
                                      Me: Well whatever it is, I'm really not interested but thanks for
                                      calling.

                                      When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can
                                      express
                                      yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but
                                      this lady was persistent.

                                      AT&T: Mr. Byron we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24
                                      hours a
                                      day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

                                      Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a
                                      minute
                                      but she at no time used the word rate. I could clearly see that it was
                                      time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

                                      Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?
                                      AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes sir
                                      that's right! 24 hours a day!
                                      Me: 7 days a week?
                                      AT&T: That's right.
                                      Me: 365 days a year?
                                      AT&T: Yes sir.
                                      Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!!! That's amazing!
                                      AT&T: We think so!
                                      Me: That's quite a sum of money!
                                      AT&T: Yes sir, it's amazing how it adds up.
                                      Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one
                                      at the end of the year for the full $52,560, and if you send an annual
                                      check, can I get a cash advance?

                                      AT&T: Excuse me?
                                      Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.
                                      AT&T: What are you talking about?
                                      Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a
                                      week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and
                                      $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be
                                      making
                                      payment.

                                      AT&T: Oh no sir I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents
                                      a
                                      minute.
                                      Me: Wait a minute here!!! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a
                                      minute. Are you sure this is AT&T?
                                      AT&T: Well, yes this is AT&T sir but......
                                      Me: But nothing, how do you figure that by saying that you'll give me
                                      10
                                      cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind
                                      of subliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this
                                      in
                                      the Enquirer you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on
                                      me.

                                      AT&T: No sir we are offering 10 cents a minute for.....
                                      Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please!
                                      AT&T: Sir I don't think that is necessary.
                                      Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?
                                      AT&T: What?
                                      Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!
                                      AT&T: Yes Mr. Byron. Please hold.

                                      So now AT&T has me on hold and my supper is getting cold. I begin to
                                      eat
                                      while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and
                                      while I have a mouth full of food:

                                      Supervisor: Mr. Byron?
                                      Me: Yeth?
                                      Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents
                                      a
                                      minute program.
                                      Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth?
                                      Supervisor: Yes sir, it sure is.

                                      I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to
                                      suppress my laughter and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

                                      Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so
                                      that I could sign up for the plan.
                                      Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who
                                      was
                                      helping you.
                                      Me: Thank you.

                                      I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to
                                      end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite
                                      voice at the other end of the phone.

                                      AT&T: Hello Mr. Byron, I understand that you are interested in signing
                                      up for our plan?
                                      Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never
                                      have
                                      enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a
                                      little brother...
                                      AT&T: (click)



                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      Horse Chips
                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      Two horses were walking back to the paddock after a day's training.
                                      One says
                                      to the other,
                                      "I can't understand why we are so slow, we come from
                                      good stock, we have the best of food, great trainers, and yet we come
                                      last
                                      in every race."
                                      There was a dog running along side them who overheard and said,
                                      "I know what your problem is. I've seen you race and it looks to me
                                      like you
                                      begin the race really fast and use up all your energy too soon. Then
                                      towards
                                      the end, you have nothing left. What you should do is pace
                                      yourselves, and
                                      when all the other horses are exhausted, put in a spurt
                                      and you're sure to win. What do you think of that?"
                                      The horses looked at one another and said,
                                      "WOW, a talking dog!"



                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      Diet Chips From Squirrelbait
                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house,

                                      Nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

                                      The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste,

                                      At the holiday parties, had gone to my waist.

                                      When I got on the scales, there arose such a number!

                                      When I walked to the store, (less a walk than a lumber).

                                      I'd remember the marvelous, meals I'd prepared;

                                      The gravies and sauces, and beef nicely rared,

                                      The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese,

                                      And the way I'd never said, "No, thank you, please."

                                      As I dressed myself, in my boyfriends' old shirt,

                                      And prepared once again, to do battle with dirt,

                                      I said to myself, as I only can

                                      "You can spend a winter disguised as a man!"

                                      So-away with the last, of the sour cream dip,

                                      Get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip.

                                      Every last bit of food, that I like must be banished

                                      Till all the additional, ounces have vanished.

                                      I won't have a cookie, not even a lick.

                                      I'll want only to chew, on a long celery stick.

                                      I won't have hot biscuits,, or corn bread, or pie,

                                      I'll munch on a carrot, and quietly cry.

                                      I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore-

                                      But isn't that what, January is for?

                                      Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.

                                      Happy New Year to all, and to all a good diet

                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


                                      LynnLynn's Links



                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                                      Visit LynnLynn's Guest Book and tell her how you feel abut the links
                                      http://pub22.bravenet.com/guestbook/show.asp?usernum=1822710783


                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      A member of the Senate, known for his hot temper and acid tongue,
                                      explodes one day in mid session and begins to shout, "Half of this
                                      Senate is made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"

                                      All the other Senators plead to the angry member that he withdraw his
                                      statement, or be removed from the remainder of the session. After a
                                      long pause, the angry member accepted.

                                      "Ok" he said, "I withdraw what I said. Half of this Senate is NOT
                                      made up of cowards and corrupt politicians!"




                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      Detect-iveChips
                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      For my husband's birthday, I gave him a state-of-the-art metal
                                      detector. He excitedly took his new toy to the back yard to try it
                                      out.

                                      When he scattered some change on the ground, it seemed to work fine.
                                      Then, even when he wasn't near the coins, the thing kept going off.
                                      Over and over, he adjusted and readjusted with no luck. After
                                      watching him, I said, "I think I know what's wrong."

                                      "I know what I'm doing!" he snapped.

                                      After 20 minutes, he finally turned to me. "Okay, what's wrong?"

                                      "You're standing over the septic tank," I said.


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                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      Buddy Chips From Jim
                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      OBITUARY FOR A BELOVED PET"

                                      Buddy, beloved chocolate Labrador of former President Bill
                                      Clinton, died tragically at about 12:15 p.m. on Jan. 2. Only
                                      4 1/2 (almost 32 in human years), he was in the prime of his
                                      life, with many bones left to bury, many carpets left to
                                      stain.

                                      Buddy was unquestionably the most popular dog in America. He
                                      received thousands of letters during Clinton's presidency,
                                      many from Republican admirers who addressed their mail
                                      simply to "The dog in the White House."

                                      The former First Dog was struck by a car after chasing a
                                      contractor's van off the Clinton property in Chappaqua, New
                                      York. Secret Service agents had rushed after Buddy, but
                                      failed to stop him, leading security experts to question
                                      whether the government spends enough money to protect VIPs
                                      (very important pets). Tom Ridge, U.S. homeland security
                                      director, asked another critical question: "What if Bill
                                      Clinton had run after a car? Could we have saved him?"

                                      Buddy was adopted by the Clintons as a 3-month-old puppy in
                                      December 1997 and quickly asserted himself as the nation's
                                      top dog. He accompanied Bill Clinton on many of his travels,
                                      met foreign leaders who visited the White House, and spent
                                      more time under the president's desk than any intern.

                                      When tension mounted between Clinton and Al Gore, political
                                      observers wondered if Buddy had become "the real vice
                                      president." Said political analyst George Stephanopoulos:
                                      "Buddy once chased a pesticide company's van, barking louder
                                      than ever. That made us realize that Buddy, like Al Gore,
                                      cared deeply about the environment."

                                      When Hillary Clinton left the White House to campaign in New
                                      York, Buddy moved into the presidential bedroom and had his
                                      way with the presidential pillows. "I tried to get him to
                                      stop," Clinton said. "I said, 'Buddy, if you don't cut it
                                      out, the Republicans will try to impeach you.'"

                                      Aside from chasing cars, his favorite hobbies included
                                      chewing socks, eating anything that looked like food, and
                                      barking at Sam Donaldson. "He loved to fetch things,"
                                      Clinton said. "I'd be sitting in the Oval Office and I'd
                                      say, 'Buddy, go fetch the ball' and he'd run outside and get
                                      a ball. I'd say, 'Buddy, go fetch Monica,' and he'd run
                                      outside and get a ball. He really knew what was good for
                                      me."

                                      Despite his friendly nature, Buddy did not get along with
                                      the Clintons' other pet, Socks the cat, who often hissed at
                                      the dog. "Buddy liked socks," Clinton said. "Just not that
                                      kind of socks."

                                      Socks and Buddy were featured in a 1998 book "Dear Socks,
                                      Dear Buddy, Kids' Letters to the First Pets." Socks later
                                      authored several other books, including "Buddy is not my
                                      buddy," "Buddy is cruddy," and "Buddy, you fuddy-duddy."

                                      Buddy is survived by his mother, Bunny, an unknown deadbeat
                                      dad, four brothers, five sisters, 24 half-brothers, 32
                                      half-sisters, four pillows and a tattered sock.

                                      On the night of his death, Buddy was honored at sporting
                                      events throughout the country. Fans and players rose to
                                      their feet and observed a moment of barking.

                                      Buddy was laid to rest with full honors, his funeral
                                      attended by dignitaries from around the world, both human
                                      and canine. Socks the cat did not attend and did not send a
                                      representative. Socks released a statement through his
                                      spokesman, saying, "The death of Buddy proves what I have
                                      been saying for a long time: Dogs are dumb! You'll never see
                                      a cat chasing a van. We don't have nine lives -- we have
                                      brains!"



                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                      From The Buffalos Mail Box

                                      Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
                                      ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
                                      stood
                                      around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

                                      If you go to the following URL, a $25.00 donation to Juvenile Diabetes
                                      Research Fndn will be made in your name (no cost to you):
                                      www.now-i-can.com/donation
                                      <A HREF="www.now-i-can.com/donation">aol click here</A>
                                      Thanks a lot,
                                      ~Amy <juvenile diabetic for 30 years>
                                      Please pass this on

                                      ~~~~~~~

                                      I've been reading your zine for a little over a year now and compared
                                      to
                                      the many others I get yours, and Jill's, are head and shoulders above
                                      the
                                      rest. How do you manage to put this stuff out everyday while still
                                      holding
                                      down a job and a family?! Anyway I thought I would respond to a few
                                      things
                                      I've read recently. First the CNC machine at your jobsite, the 486
                                      running
                                      Win95, damn straight it's a stable machine! I myself have over ten
                                      years
                                      experience building, repairing, and troubleshooting PC's (not to
                                      mention
                                      Macs, printers and Sun Microsystems Enterprise class servers) and at
                                      home I
                                      still run a Pentium 233 overclocked just a bit to 250MHz and Win95B.
                                      Not
                                      only have I not had a blue screen in years but I haven't reloaded my
                                      O/S in
                                      close to 3 years! I do keep to a minimum the software I load on it to
                                      minimize contamination but it's by no means a stripped-down PC. I burn
                                      CD's, run Photoshop, create web pages and have Solaris (UNIX) dual-
                                      booting
                                      on the SCSI hard drives. With over 40GB of drive space and 130MB of
                                      RAM I'm
                                      quite happy with my little system. A word to the wise, don't dump your
                                      system and reload everything you have just because Billy boy has
                                      something
                                      new he wants to sell you! Wait for all the rest to discover why it's
                                      called
                                      the bleeding edge!

                                      Next, to Peri, I'd like to say you're comments sure did get people
                                      stirred
                                      up and without agreeing or disagreeing with you stance on things I
                                      must say
                                      you have made all those who came out vehemently against you look like
                                      uneducated fools. People if you are going to argue with someone,
                                      please
                                      have the smarts to do your homework on the topic otherwise your point
                                      is
                                      lost as people think you're just some ranting hot-head. Peri has
                                      backed up
                                      everything he has said with more information than all of the rebutals
                                      combined. As I said I'm neither for or against what he's saying just
                                      commenting on the seemingly one-sided use of information to back up
                                      each
                                      side's point of view.


                                      "Never let your persistence and passion turn into stubbornness and
                                      ignorance."

                                      - Anthony J. D'Angelo, The College Blue Book


                                      Thanks again for the great jokes,

                                      Graffix

                                      ~~~~~

                                      Hello.
                                      I love the links you provide with your newsletter, but since moving
                                      from AOL (sob, boo hoo) to Hotmail, I am having trouble getting to
                                      the links. Most times I get the message: "There is an error
                                      displaying this link." Do you have any suggestions on why this is
                                      happening and how I can correct it? Do you know if other subscribers
                                      have this problem? Would it work better if I were to use Yahoo as my
                                      email address?

                                      Thank you for finding all the wonderful sites on the Internet I would
                                      never know about if it weren't for you. Barbara

                                      ~~~~~

                                      Buddy's End

                                      It made no difference as to what or how much the dog knew. Socks, the
                                      ex-first cat, had a contract out on the dog.

                                      Richard

                                      ~~~~~~


                                      Peri,
                                      You sir, should be President! Keep up the good work. The truth ALWAYS
                                      prevails. You have a way with words.
                                      I don't think that the Buffalo is as conservative as everyone
                                      thinks...
                                      Wouldn't Buffalo Adult jokes be blasphemous to main stream
                                      conservatives
                                      such as Pat Robertson and Jerry Falwell?

                                      Jack

                                      Buffalo Says I hope the Lord has a really immense sense of humor
                                      or it may be barbecue time for the Buffalo.

                                      ~~~~~~

                                      In response to :

                                      "Peri Speaks Out".
                                      "Gore would be marginally better than Bush because he has an inkling
                                      of international policy and could have built a global coalition that
                                      would have lasted longer than three months, and would have given some
                                      strategic thought to Kashmir BEFORE India and Pakistan started to
                                      wave nukes at each other. He also, with his eye for detail, might
                                      have recognized a problem in the fact that the CIA, FBI, and the
                                      State Department had only 21 Arabic speakers and 3 Farsi speakers
                                      among them. Also, the Homeland Security Act which finally passed in
                                      October was originally introduced in April and blocked in committee
                                      by Republicans pushing the President's tax cut agenda."

                                      I repeat...
                                      Wouldn't it be nice if we could put Peri and all those like
                                      him in a world with Gore as President?]
                                      [God is finally running the USA..Via Bush!]
                                      Peri responded, ["Now THIS is the type of thinking that is really
                                      scary!]
                                      Look around you, mister. God is everywhere now!
                                      Where was Gore for 8 years with his "inkling of international policy"
                                      and his "eye for detail"?
                                      Are you insinuating that this all started after Bush was elected?
                                      Have you seen President Bush's approval rating?

                                      Sandy..from New York....

                                      ~~~~

                                      Hi Buffalo,
                                      I really enjoy your newsletters. I do not get to read them on a
                                      daily
                                      basis and they do collect. I was wondering if you had an archive where
                                      the subscriber could go and read past issues. There are so many great
                                      links as well in the newsletters. I really hate to discard them.
                                      Unfortunately I have to.
                                      Keep up the good work.
                                      shirlsintulsa

                                      buffalo says the archives are available through the links on our
                                      website at http://www.buffalosjokes.com

                                      ~~~~~~


                                      The abbreviation of 'Xmas' for 'Christmas' is neither modern nor
                                      disrespectful. The notion that it is a new and vulgar representation
                                      of the word 'Christmas' seems to stem from the erroneous belief that
                                      the letter 'X' is used to stand for the word 'Christ' because of its
                                      resemblance to a cross, or that the abbreviation was deliberately
                                      concocted "to take the 'Christ' out of Christmas." Actually, this
                                      usage is nearly as old as Christianity itself, and its origins lie in
                                      the fact that the first letter in the Greek word for 'Christ'
                                      is 'chi,' and the Greek letter 'chi' is represented by a symbol
                                      similar to the letter 'X' in the modern Roman alphabet. Hence 'Xmas'
                                      is indeed perfectly legitimate abbreviation for the word 'Christmas'
                                      (just as 'Xian' is also sometimes used as an abbreviation of the
                                      word 'Christian').

                                      None of this means that Christians (and others) aren't justified in
                                      feeling slighted when people write 'Xmas' rather than 'Christmas,'
                                      but the point is that the abbreviation was not created specifically
                                      for the purpose of demeaning Christ, Christians, Christianity, or
                                      Christmas -- it's a very old artifact of a very different language.
                                      I got all this info from www.Snopes.com by the way :)

                                      Firesong

                                      ~~~~~

                                      don't chage the list ... it's fine just the way it is.

                                      Beowulf

                                      ~~~~~~

                                      Ain't it a pain, Buf? U know a little bit about computers and all of
                                      a sudden
                                      everybody and their uncle will call u at all hours. Whwt ever
                                      happened to
                                      common sense???? Take care, Marty

                                      buffalo says : Do you smell burnt buffalo fur, how's my computer
                                      coming?
                                      shouldn't you unplug that? hehheh

                                      ~~~~~

                                      Buffalo, I did not see my message to you in the chips, but I must
                                      respond.



                                      I, too come from a family that lived, and made the best of having
                                      family in the military, though not to the extent of many. I think you
                                      took what I said the wrong way. I merely said that these men went out
                                      and put their life on the line to protect the freedom that we enjoy
                                      in the USA. Those ungrateful people that are so full of their own
                                      self-importance that they don't want to read a couple lines of how
                                      some soldier made friends/cared for another/saved a patrol should
                                      rethink what freedom means to them. They should thank god that these
                                      men and women gave of themselves to do the best they could. No one is
                                      saying it was not hard back here running a home without a
                                      husband/father, especially me. So I am not sure why you think I
                                      deserved this tirade, but I feel that we are both on the same side,
                                      and the fact that I did not mention that there were women involved at
                                      home, in your eyes, I was wrong. Sorry Lady, get a life. I am sure
                                      Buffalo will run any stories having to do with times of war, be it
                                      from a front line soldier to the wife/mother caring for the
                                      youngsters and making ends meet on the home front.

                                      Thanks Buff

                                      If you get a chance, yesterday's chips had no scuttlebutt in it, I
                                      assume that is when my thoughts were posted, could you resend them??

                                      thanks

                                      Chris Barry

                                      ~~~~

                                      Dear Mr. Bill,

                                      I totally agree that your list as is, is perfect. If someone feels it
                                      is too
                                      long...SCROLL DOWN, hello?

                                      How rude to want to detract from the *total* enjoyment for the rest
                                      of us
                                      (whom I truly believe are the majority).

                                      Rock on, Mr. Bill...you're the bestest!

                                      Aloha,

                                      lorriek
                                      kailua, oahu


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                                      Parting Chips
                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                      A man bought his mother, a sweet lady of 75, a portable television
                                      set for Christmas. After the excitement of the holidays was over, she
                                      finally sat down on New Year's Day to watch some TV. Anticipating a
                                      game show or a soap opera, she turned it one - and got the Rose Bowl
                                      game. She changed the channels and saw the Cotton Bowl and the Orange
                                      Bowl. In disgust, she turned the set off.

                                      The next day she phoned her son: "I'm sorry to tell you this, son,"
                                      she said, "but there's something wrong with the television set you
                                      got me. The only thing you can get on it is football games."



                                      ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                      Clean Clean Clean Clean Clean

                                      *********************************************

                                      Remember 9/11/01
                                    • buffalosjokes2001
                                      Clean Clean Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My name is Buffalo and I have the watch. This has not been a good week for me mechanically
                                      Message 18 of 20 , Jan 18, 2002
                                      • 0 Attachment
                                        Clean Clean


                                        Welcome to Buffalosjokes and Thank You for joining us. My
                                        name is Buffalo and I have the watch.

                                        This has not been a good week for me mechanically and when
                                        you are a maintenance man that is really bad. First the Cadillac
                                        blew a heater hose which was easy enough to fix but in the
                                        process I broke one of those little vacuum lines that looks like
                                        spaghetti and lost all the heater and defroster controls.It took the
                                        help of a friend to find and repair that one Then
                                        yesterday a machine manufactured in Italy broke and after
                                        an hour I realized that all the schematics I was trying to read
                                        were identical and contained no useful information so I was
                                        forced to revert to barbarian troubleshooting and disconnect the
                                        breaker that kept tripping and cycle the machine to find out what
                                        part of it didn't work. Turned out to be a motor on the chip
                                        sucker burnt up , like a 5 hp. canister vac. Then an afternoons work
                                        on a machine whose monitor had pretty little colored lines racing
                                        across the screen. 2,000 dollar graphics card shot and you can't
                                        even play flight simulator on it, we just replace d the 14 in monitor
                                        too, another 2800. dollars.
                                        But the crowning moment to the whole week was tonight when I
                                        started the snowblower and it stopped thirty seconds later. I think
                                        there is ice in the carb again.
                                        Enjoy the chips. I am going to set a snowblower on fire and see
                                        if it thaws out.. buffalo




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                                        Flying Chips
                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                        "This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew I'd like to
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                                        will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire. If you look
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                                        the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has
                                        fallen
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                                        "If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little
                                        yellow
                                        life raft with three people in it waving at you. That's me your
                                        captain, the
                                        co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded
                                        message."

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                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                        Toon Chips
                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                        Medical Chips From Dianne
                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                        A patient was waiting nervously in the
                                        examination room of a famous specialist.

                                        "So who did you see before coming to me?"
                                        asked the doctor.

                                        "My local General Practitioner."

                                        "Your GP?" scoffed the doctor. "What a
                                        waste of time. Tell me, what sort of
                                        useless advice did he give you?"

                                        "He told me to come and see you."



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                                        Rabbi Chips
                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                        An old rabbi is talking with one of his friends and says with a warm
                                        smile, "I gladdened seven hearts today."

                                        "Seven hearts?" asks the friend. "How did you do that?"

                                        The rabbi strokes his beard and replies, "I performed three
                                        marriages."

                                        The friend looks at him quizzically. "Seven?" he asks. "I could
                                        understand six, but..."

                                        "Well, what do you think," says the rabbi, "that I do this for free?"



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                                        Counseling Chips
                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                        Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager
                                        to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself
                                        on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a
                                        game of soccer at the other.

                                        Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

                                        The girl said she was.

                                        A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same
                                        spot, still by herself.

                                        Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your
                                        friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman
                                        suspiciously.

                                        Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you
                                        standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great
                                        exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"



                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                        A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving
                                        each other the silent treatment. The next week the man realized that
                                        he would need his wife to wake him at 5.00 am for an early flight to
                                        Sydney. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally
                                        wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am".

                                        The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am,
                                        and that he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
                                        see why his wife hadn't woken him when he noticed a piece of paper by
                                        the bed..it said..."It is 5:00 am, wake up!"


                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~



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                                        LynnLynn's Links
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                                        Lynn is just starting to get dug out from under all the email
                                        she has and would like to thank each and every friend who
                                        signed her get well guest book while she was in the hospital.
                                        If you missed it the book is at
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                                        BTW Lynn is an Aries so it wasn't her Birthday.. Buffalo


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                                        Appointed Chips
                                        ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

                                        My friend Judy was working at a Maine costal resort when she answered
                                        a call for information about the inn. After finishing the
                                        conversation, Judy stepped away from the desk. When the phone rang
                                        again, a student intern took the call.

                                        "I forgot to ask something." the caller said, "How are the rooms
                                        appointed?"

                                        "Well, six of them are appointed west," the student said, "and the
                                        rest are appointed east."



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                                        Even if you aren't a skier, you'll be able to appreciate the
                                        humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New
                                        Orleans paper.

                                        A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with
                                        the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody's heart.
                                        Conditions were perfect, 12 below, no feeling in the toes,
                                        basic numbness all over, the "tell me when we're
                                        having fun" kind of day.

                                        One of the women in the group complained to her husband
                                        that she was in dire need of a restroom. He told her not to
                                        worry that he was sure there was relief waiting at the top of
                                        the lift in the form of a powder room for female skiers in
                                        distress. He was wrong, of course, and the pain did not go
                                        away.

                                        If you've ever had nature hit its panic button in you, then
                                        you know that a temperature of 12 below zero doesn't help
                                        matters. So, with time running out, the woman weighed her
                                        options.

                                        Her husband, picking up on the intensity of her pain,
                                        suggested that since she was wearing an all white ski outfit,
                                        she should go off in the woods. No one would even notice, he
                                        assured her. The white will provide more than adequate
                                        camouflage. So she headed for the tree line, began disrobing
                                        and proceeded to do her thing. If you've ever parked on the
                                        side of a slope, then you know there is a right way and a
                                        wrong way to set your skis so you don't move. Yup, you
                                        got it. She had them positioned the wrong way.

                                        Steep slopes are not forgiving, even during embarrassing
                                        moments. Without warning, the woman found herself skiing
                                        backward, out of control, racing through the trees, somehow
                                        missing all of them and onto another slope. Her derriere and
                                        her reverse side were still bare, her pants down around
                                        her knees, and she was picking up speed all the while.

                                        She continued on backwards, totally out of control, creating
                                        an unusual vista for the other skiers.

                                        The woman skied, if you define that verb loosely, back under
                                        the lift, and finally collided violently with a pylon. The
                                        bad news was that she broke her arm and was unable to
                                        pull up her ski pants. At long last her husband arrived,
                                        putting an end to her nudie show, then went to the base of
                                        the mountain and summoned the ski patrol, who transported
                                        her to a hospital.

                                        In the emergency room she was regrouping when a man with
                                        an obviously broken leg was put in the bed next to hers.

                                        "So how'd you break your leg?" she asked, making small talk.

                                        "It was the damndest thing you ever saw," he said, "I was
                                        riding up this ski lift, and suddenly I couldn't believe my
                                        eyes. There was this crazy woman skiing backward out
                                        of control down the mountain with her bare bottom
                                        hanging out of her clothes and her pants down around
                                        her knees. I leaned over to get a better look and I guess
                                        I didn't realize how far I'd moved. I fell out of the lift."

                                        "So how'd you break your arm?"





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                                        From The Buffalos Mail Box

                                        Around the scuttlebutt with the Buffalo
                                        ( A modern scuttlebutt is a water cooler and on old ships as sailors
                                        stood
                                        around the water cask rumors, sea stories and useful info was spread )

                                        To All:
                                        Let me take this oppertunity to introduce myself, my name is Michael
                                        Garrahy and I am a 3rd generation firefighter with 22 years in the
                                        fire
                                        service. Currently I am the Chief of Fire Services for The Hartford
                                        Hospital campus in Hartford CT. The campus is quite large covering
                                        about
                                        6 square miles with a daytime population of about 25,000.
                                        I have also been a part time employee of Rocky Hill [CT] Fire
                                        Department
                                        since May, 1979 and currently serve as a station captain, with command
                                        responsiblity for a combination rescue/engine/truck company. Also,
                                        worth
                                        mentioning, on September 20th, I worked at WTC site providing and fit
                                        testing respirators for NYPD personnel.
                                        ?
                                        Below is the address for an online petition entitled:
                                        ?
                                        http://www.PetitionOnline.com/flgraise/
                                        ?
                                        "Depicting the flag raising at ground zero of the WTC attack as it
                                        actually occured"
                                        This petition is hosted on the web by PetitionOnline.com, which is a
                                        free on line service.
                                        Please visit the site and if you agree could you please sign the
                                        petition. And I am asking for your help this cause.
                                        Thank you

                                        Mike Garrahy

                                        ~~~~~~


                                        Could the gentleman give us the date when Clinton got his degree from
                                        Oxford on the Rhodes Scholarship (not the honorary one they gave him
                                        while he was president).
                                        The way I heard it Clinton went to England where he wasn't drafted,
                                        didn't graduate and didn't inhale.

                                        Mary

                                        ~~~~

                                        "Johnny Walker, the American that fought for the Taliban, is now
                                        talking with an Arabic accent. Have you heard him? It's ridiculous. I
                                        know how we should handle him. Let's bring him back here and take him
                                        to Cleveland Browns stadium and dress him up as a referee. They'll
                                        know how to take care of him!" —Jay Leno


                                        Jim

                                        ~~~~~

                                        I took my driving test in Sonora, CA and old gold rush town and had
                                        heard
                                        several of my friends tell me how tough it was going to be. I
                                        practiced
                                        with my step dad at every oppertunity but was still nervous when the
                                        day
                                        finally came to take the test. It didn't help that I had to drive a
                                        LOOOONG
                                        Ford Thunderbird for the test. After the inspector checked all the
                                        basics
                                        on the car we got in and he had me drive around the block and back
                                        into the
                                        parking lot! That was it! I could have passed even if I didn't know
                                        how to
                                        make a left hand turn }:>

                                        How's that for a horror story?

                                        Graffix

                                        ~~~~~~

                                        President George W. Bush
                                        ************************************************************
                                        The man who admitted to having a drinking problem in younger
                                        years,
                                        and whose happy-go-lucky lifestyle led him to mediocre grades in
                                        college
                                        and an ill-fated oil venture. Who mangled syntax, and whose speaking
                                        missteps became known as "Bushisms."
                                        He came within a hair's breadth of losing the election in
                                        November,
                                        but withstood the political chicanery of the Florida Democratic. While
                                        votes were miscounted and machine counted, to fix the vote count
                                        re-counted, Bush quietly but confidently waited at his ranch. Make no
                                        mistake, his orders were carried out, but he stayed in the background,
                                        faithful and confident. Bush named Jesus Christ as Lord of his life
                                        on
                                        public TV. Not an oblique reference to being "born-again" or having a
                                        "life change." He actually said the un-PC-like phrase, "Jesus
                                        Christ"!
                                        On September 11, he was thrust into a position only known by,
                                        Roosevelt, Churchill, Lincoln, and Washington. The weight of the
                                        world
                                        was on and the responsibility of a generation was on his soul.
                                        So President George W. Bush walked to his seat at the front of
                                        the
                                        National Cathedral just three days after two of the most impressive
                                        symbols of American capitalism and prosperity virtually evaporated.
                                        When the history of this time is written, it will be
                                        acknowledged by
                                        friend and foe alike that President George W. Bush came of age in that
                                        cathedral and lifted a nation off its knees. In what was one of the
                                        most impressive exhibitions of self-control in presidential history,
                                        President George W. Bush was able to deliver his remarks without
                                        losing
                                        his resolve, focus, or confidence. God's hand, which guided him
                                        through
                                        that sliver-thin election, now rested fully on him. As he walked back
                                        to
                                        his seat, the camera angle was appropriate. He was virtually alone in
                                        the
                                        scene, alone in that massive place of God; just him and the Lord.
                                        Back at his seat, George W. Bush reached over and took his son's
                                        hand. In that gesture his father seemed to say, "I wish I could do
                                        this
                                        for you, son, but I can't. You have to do this on your own."
                                        President
                                        George W. Bush squeezed back and gave him a look of peace that
                                        said, "I
                                        don't have to do it alone, dad. I've got help."

                                        Gordon

                                        ~~~

                                        Hi Buffalo...

                                        Just want to say that the chips are great.... Keep them coming!

                                        Since you have such a large number of military, active and retired,
                                        that
                                        read your chips, I am hoping you will allow me to use your forum to
                                        ask for
                                        help for disabled military retirees.

                                        To put it in a nutshell, a military retiree is an individual that
                                        served in
                                        any branch of the service (active duty) for at least 20 years, and
                                        are paid
                                        their retirement from the Department of Defense (DoD). A disabled
                                        military
                                        retiree is an individual that served in any branch of the service
                                        (active
                                        duty) for at least 20 years, and has a service connected disability.
                                        The
                                        disability pension is paid by the Veterans Administration (VA).

                                        The problem is that the disabled military retiree has to forfeit the
                                        amount
                                        of his/her monthly disability pension from their retirement. This
                                        isn't
                                        right. The bill to remedy this unjust act is HR 303. President Bush
                                        signed
                                        into law on 12/28/01 the National Defense Authorization Act of 2002
                                        which
                                        contained the authority for Concurrent Receipt (CR) - less the
                                        funding. Of
                                        all the members on the Budget Committee, (41 members), only five have
                                        refused to cosponsor HR 303, they are:

                                        Jim Nussle (Chairman) (R-IA)
                                        John Spratt (Ranking Member) (D-SC)
                                        Pete Hoekstra (R-MI)
                                        Jerry Kleczka (D-WI)
                                        John Culbertson (R-TX)

                                        Please email these five and let them know that they need to reconsider
                                        co-sponsoring HR303 and thanks for helping our disabled military
                                        retirees.

                                        Anyone wanting more detailed information on this issue can email me at
                                        iraj@...

                                        Once again, thanks Buffalo.

                                        Ira "Jake" Jakob USAF (Ret)

                                        ~~~~~

                                        Buffalo

                                        Speaking of driving tests, especially after years of
                                        off-road driving...

                                        A friend (English) had spent several years with a
                                        motor stunt show but never driven on the roads
                                        (legally). Arriving for his test he got a distinct
                                        feeling the examiner didn't like him, and shortly after
                                        the start he nearly ran into a coloured chap on a Zebra
                                        Crossing.

                                        In an attempt to lighten the situation he made some
                                        cheap crack about not seeing him because he was stood
                                        on one of the black stripes, and felt the temperature
                                        inside the car drop by several degrees. The examiner
                                        was clearly not amused.

                                        At this point my friend decided he was going to be
                                        failed anyway, so he might as well have a little fun at
                                        the examiner's expense. He set out to try and scare
                                        the sh*t out of him. He did everything he was asked,
                                        but all with a definite showman's flourish, including
                                        taking a couple of corners on two wheels, reversing
                                        (accurately) into a parking space at a ludicrous speed,
                                        and doing a 'bootlegger's turn' instead of the
                                        traditional three-pointer.

                                        Back at the test centre the examiner unbuckled his
                                        seat belt, put a tick in his last box and said, "It's
                                        probably no surprise that I've failed you... Which is
                                        a pity really, because apart from going a little too
                                        fast I found your driving skills exemplary. Just drive
                                        a little more slowly next time and you'll be fine."

                                        Gyppo (UK)


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