How to tell if your nieghbor is a Witch
- How To Tell If Your Next-Door Neighbor is a Witch
Fifty surefire ways to detect Paganism without having to resort to a
dunking stool or wart-inspection.
By Andie Gilmour
1 Never puts any rubbish out on refuse-collection day. I mean,
recycling and composting is fine, but you can take it too far.
2 You casually ask what phase the moon is in, and she tells you down
to the exact number of days, hour and minute of rising, position on
horizon, and current angle of declination.
3 All the stray cats in the neighborhood tend to congregate in her
garden (and use your own as their litter).
4 A screech owl has chosen the lamppost outside her house as its
favorite calling-post. That's just when it's getting warm at night and
you like to sleep with the window open.
5 Doesn't cut down the weeds in her garden; in fact it looks more like
she's cultivating them. Needless to say, you get the seeds wafting
over onto your pristine lawn.
6 Most of her clothes on the wash line are black.
7 The local kids talk in whispers as they go past her house, then
start running at the last moment.
8 Nobody trick-or-treats her house; not after the incident when the
kids' costumes were less scary than hers when she opened the door to
them. (She was embracing the Crone that year no doubt!)
9 Footprints on the roof. And the trees in her flight-path have been
pruned down. I swear it's true!
10 She can't even make a simple sandwich without adding fresh herbs to
it. And don't ask her for a cup of tea unless you want something
yellow colored and smelling of flowers.
11 She hardly ever gets junk mail. You ask her what her secret is and
she confides that she returns it to sender a Mar writing something on
it in strange curly writing.
12 When you pop next door for a chat, the kettle is always already on.
13 The Jehovah's Witnesses never call (not anymore; not after the last
14 Keeps the local scented-candle shop solvent.
15 Has a pond full of frogs (and you haven't seen that bothersome
double-glazing salesman around for a while).
16 She's always smiling, darn her!
17 She goes dressed as normal to a Hallowe'en fancy dress party; and
wins first prize.
18 Her house always smells of incense.
19 Has named her four cats Beelzebub, Kali, Diana, and Moonbeam. (Or
her rats Devon and Cornwall)
20 Her bumper sticker reads "I brake for toads."
21 Frequently gets raided by the drug squad who confiscate large
amounts of dried green leaves; they always return them with apologies
22 At Christmas, it seems like half the garden has been moved into the
23 You sometimes hear the sound of singing and dancing through the
wall. If you look out of the window, it is usually a full moon.
24 She was given a bodhram drum for her birthday. And she plays it at
midnight in the fields. And she's got a blasted tambourine.
25 You discover that her realistic resin skull ornament in her living
room, actually is real.
26 You catch her washing a crystal ball along with the dishes.
27 She wears a lot of silver jewelry, even when doing the gardening.
And bat earrings for goodness-sake.
28 You knock on her door and she answers it naked except for a
toweling robe. You apologize for disturbing her in the bath, but
notice that her hair isn't wet.
29 Irritating tendency to hum a lot. What's she got to be so happy
30 She has a tame robin that will eat from her hand in the garden.
That can't be natural.
31 Never catches a cold, even though she walks barefoot most of the
time -In the snow as well.
32 Doesn't kill spiders. Not even big hairy long-legged ones that
suddenly appear from the waste-pipe whilst you're having a bath.
33 She listens to what you are saying like she really cares.
34 She has lots of female friends who come round every few months.
When you ask what they get up to, she tells you that they just have
cakes and ale and a good natter.
35 You catch her hugging a tree.
36 Her dinner-set is decorated with Celtic patterns.
37 She has a mail-order account with a semiprecious gem wholesaler.
38 You notice that the parish priest crosses himself whenever he walks
past her house.
39 She never watches television. And she has shelves full of books
with black spines and silver-lettered titles.
40 To your certain knowledge she has never set foot in the local
church. In fact, you have heard rumors that she has been barred from it.
41 She makes jars of quince and mandrake relish for the Women's
Institute coffee morning jumble sale.
42 You ask to borrow a pack of cards for an impromptu bridge evening,
and there are 78 in the pack.
43 You have never known her to visit her GP.
44 When you talk with her, she maintains eye contact all the time.
45 Expectant mothers are forever visiting her. Also women who become
expectant mothers a month after visiting her.
46 You ask her for suggestions for nice walks in the area, and they
all go by way of stone circles and strange earth mounds.
47 She only buys organic. And you just bet that she's a vegetarian as
well. (Well, maybe not strictly vegetarian....)
48 When you ask her about her vacation plans, she tells you she will
be camping in a teepee in the Brecon Beacons.
49 There aren't any mirrors in her house. Or clocks.
50 She tells you that she is coming out of the broom closet, joins
Witches' Voice and erects a stained-glass pentacle window in her front
door. Ooo what a giveaway!