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  • rickj
    NAME THAT BLADE! (lights rise to brightness. Studio audience is revealed to be mostly men.. with a few women who look and act like men clumped together. A long
    Message 1 of 7 , May 5, 2010
      NAME THAT BLADE!

      (lights rise to brightness.
      Studio audience is revealed to be mostly men.. with a few women who look and act like men clumped together. A long table is by stage right with six chairs.
      Monty Hall enters as audience erupts in directed applause.)

      MONTY HALL: Thank you, thank you. Welcome to our newest game show…
      NAME THAT BLADE! Brought to you by Millers Sword polish, when you want your steel to gleam, use Millers!
      The show where our contestant brings to us some sword or knife or axe that they found at a low price and challenges our Panel of Experts to identify the blade.
      Now, let's meet our panel.
      First, all the way from the Hyborean Age, that famous Barbarian… Conan of Cimmeria!

      (audient erupts in `hoo hoo hoo' and cheers as free beer is spilled on the floor and sprayed on each other)

      MONTY: Thank you for coming.. my what a strong handshake you have!

      CONAN: I broke the neck of a Cimemrian Bull when I became a man!

      MONTY: I can see. Must give you pains when you pleasure yourself on those long
      Cimmerian nights!

      (Conan looks blank. Audience erupts in spontaneous laughter)

      MONTY: And next, from the Red Planet, John Carter, Prince of Helium and Warlord of
      Barsoom!

      JOHN CARTER: Thank you Monty. I watched Let's Make a Deal when I returned to
      visit Earth last century.

      MONTY: (laughs) I guess that makes you even older than me.

      (scattered smirks from the audience)

      MONTY: Next, also from the Hyborean Age… That noted Swordswoman, Red Sonja
      of Hyrkania!

      RED SONJA: Thank you Monty for having me.. but my eyes are up here.

      MONTY: Of Course, And from Renaissance France, that famous Musketeer
      Dartanion!

      (Dartanion enters. Bows to the audience and manages to kiss Sonja's hand before she pulls it away. A close-up shows her smiling and blushing)

      MONTY: And finally, channeled by Mrs O'Leary herself, the ghost of that sword
      expert, Mr Oakshott.

      MRS O'LEARY: Mr Oakshott is happy to assist in identifying your sword.

      MONTY: And finally, noted Middle Age Ranger, FreeRangeCelt himself, Mr
      Mirimaran!

      FREERANGE: Thank you, I am so pleased to be here with such an esteemed panel.

      MONTY: Thank you,. And now, our next contestant, all the way from the Arizona
      Desert, Retired Air Force Veteran, a kayaker who cannot swim and self-proclaimed nerd, Mr Richard Johnson.

      (Very scattered applause)

      MONTY: Tell me Mr Johnson, a bit about how you found this sword.

      RICHARD: Well, Monty,. May I call you Monty? I grew up on your shows and feel I
      know you so well. I like to collect swords but being divorced (Divorce is having your testicles ripped of your body through your wallet) and a single father with a deadbeat ex-wife….

      MONTY: No bitterness there I see.

      (audience laughs at his wit)

      RICHARD: I went to work, as was looking through the Craigslist ads for kayaks and
      camping gear and decided to type in `swords' because, frankly I hate my job and was trying to not work. And I saw this ad for a number of swords. Most were fantasy blades, the kind that Goths buy for show but are totally useless in the real world. But one sword looked out-of-place.
      It was a Viking-style blade with brass-colored furniture so I wrote to the seller asking the story and for better pics.
      He told me that his grandfather had bought it from an antique store but that was all he knew. The pics showed some simple stylized carvings that I recognized as Odin and his ravens so I thought, why not? Older people refer tosecond-hand thrift-stores as `antique' stores to sound like they actually worked at finding a gift.
      I made plans to visit and the sword was interesting and he only wanted $45 for it.

      MONTY: $45? That sounds like a Real Deal!

      (audience goes wild at the obscure reference to another show)

      RICHARD: Well, Monty, it is, if the sword is decent. Honestly, I was happy to find the
      blade was NOT stainless steel!

      (Conan laughs at this)

      CONAN: Stainless Steel for a sword! Only Posers carry a stainless steel blade. I met
      one in Zamora and his sword broke with the first blow. I laughed so hard it took me three more blows to give him a killing strike!

      RICHARD: So I thought, what the hey! Worst case is I take it to the local Pagan meeting
      and sell it for $50 to some Asatru wanna-be pagans.
      So I talked him down to $40 and took it home.
      I posted pictures on the web and you invited me here.

      MONTY: Thank you for this opportunity. Now as our panel dons their white cotton
      gloves, our beautiful and sexy, but not as attractive as Ms Sonja, assistant, Vanna, will pass the blade to the panel.

      (Audience cheers as Vanna, in a furry barbarian-type outfit and heels, carries the word to the panel, then pulls the cloth off with a flourish)

      Gentleman, and ladies, your opinion?



      CONAN: I remember my Uncle carried a sword like this. He said that he took it from an
      Aesir Chief on the border.

      (Conan passes the sword to John Carter)

      JOHN CARTER: My experience is mainly in American Cavalry sabers and the
      Forundus Steel of a Barsoomian Longsword but this looks like a Viking sword to me.

      (Sword is passed to Red Sonja)

      RED SONJA: I disagree with Conan. I saw something like this when I was working for
      Brythunia. It was carried by a Vanir mercenary. I think this is a Vanir Sword.
      WILL YOU GET YOUR HAND OFF MY THIGH OR BY TARIM.."

      DARTANION: Mon cheri, I love my Constance with a passion that is unending but for
      you will I face a company of the Cardinal's Guards. I'll face Milady De Winter, I'll… OW, not that hand! Please… the other one.. NO! NOT THAT!!!!

      MONTY: Well, I can see that Ms Sonja and Mr Dartanion are occupied so we'll move
      on. Ms O'Leary, what does the ghost of Mr Oakshott say?

      O'LEARY: Mr Gardner says that this is a beautiful and ancient Viking Sword carried at
      the Battle… Mr Oakshott! Will you stop interrupting. Mr Gardner is a famous Witch and collector of ancient weapons…. Yes, I know he is also noted as a.. oh, I see, Mr Gardner is playing another of his famous practical jokes…
      I'm sorry Mr Hall, I seem to be channeling Gerald Gardner AND Mr Oakshott at the same time. It's really confusing at times… especially when they insist on appearing during my shower… though when I channeled that Witches Sabbat and Mr De Sade was attracted to the Purifications. Let me tell you that Cakes and Wine celebration with the whips and ropes and wine and…

      MONTY: MOVING ON!
      And finally, our token amateur, Free Range Celt! Mr Mirimaran, your opinion
      please.

      FREE RANGE CELT: Originally I thought it was a Sword-Like-Object. Cheap copies
      that are sold to the Goth crowd because they are fancy, but while searching for another blade, I came across this one at Kult of Athena! I believe it to be a Del Tin Viking from Italy.

      MONTY: Thank you, Panel! Now Audience, please pick up your vote-meters and vote
      on the person you think is right. Is it an Aesir Cheiftain's Sword? A Viking Sword? A Vanir mercenaries sword, or a Del Tin?
      As our audience votes, we'll pause for a word from our sponsors, Zombie-Knockers Inc! Makers of non-reactive steel maces. When the Zombie acopolypse happens, will YOU be prepared?

      (commercial break)

      MONTY: Welcome back. And now that our audience has voted, let's see the results.
      Mr Johnson, are your ready?

      JOHNSON: I am, Monty. I'm really nervous.

      MONTY: I can tell, it's a good thing that smelly-vision hasn't been perfected.
      Now our votes.
      34% vote Aesir!
      12% vote Viking
      The entire lesbian audience and 98% of the male audience vote for Red Sonja to
      do jumping jacks and
      52% vote Del Tin.
      Remember that the correct panelist receives a years supply of Rice-a-roni, the San Francisco treat, a copy of our Home version Game by Milton-Bradley and an all expense paid vacation to the British Museum of History, medieval weapons room!

      (tense pause)

      MONTY: And the answer is…
      DUDE! YOU GOT A DEL TIN!
      That's right, made by famous Italian sword smith Del Tin, made from Vanadimum-steel, this sword is valued at an amazing $440!
      Quite a deal, Mr Johnson, for a blade you purchased for $40. What do you think of that?

      JOHNSON: Wow! I'm speechless! And I'd like to add my vote to the audience.. the
      one about Red Sonja and the Jumping Jacks!

      MONTY: That's all for today so be sure to tune in tomorrow for another episode of…
      NAME THAT BLADE!

      (audience goes wild. Sonja takes the Del Tin and jumps the table to approach the guest with murder in her eyes.
      Fade to black)
    • sailor.barsoom
      Coolacious. Pics, please.
      Message 2 of 7 , May 6, 2010
        Coolacious. Pics, please.
      • richard johnson
        pics should be in the ID THIS file in the Photos section. I ve gotten some good deals via craigslist. A Lionheart Valient Armors sword for $30 ($230 new) that
        Message 3 of 7 , May 6, 2010
          pics should be in the ID THIS file in the Photos section.

          I've gotten some good deals via craigslist.

          A Lionheart Valient Armors sword for $30 ($230 new) that I converted to an
          Irish sword.
          This one.
          BUT, no ERB materials yet.



          On Thu, May 6, 2010 at 1:08 PM, sailor.barsoom <sailorbarsoom@...>wrote:

          >
          >
          > Coolacious. Pics, please.
          >
          >
          >



          --
          Rick Johnson
          http://Rick-Johnson.webs.com
          "Those who give up a little freedom in return for a little imagined security
          will soon find that they have neither."


          [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        • KeithV
          No barsoom swords...try www.fantasysword.com for frazetta s version of a barsoomian longsword. Keith
          Message 4 of 7 , May 7, 2010
            No barsoom swords...try www.fantasysword.com for frazetta's version of a barsoomian longsword.

            Keith

            --- In barsoom@yahoogroups.com, richard johnson <rikjohnson39@...> wrote:
            >
            > pics should be in the ID THIS file in the Photos section.
            >
            > I've gotten some good deals via craigslist.
            >
            > A Lionheart Valient Armors sword for $30 ($230 new) that I converted to an
            > Irish sword.
            > This one.
            > BUT, no ERB materials yet.
            >
            >
            >
            > On Thu, May 6, 2010 at 1:08 PM, sailor.barsoom <sailorbarsoom@...>wrote:
            >
            > >
            > >
            > > Coolacious. Pics, please.
            > >
            > >
            > >
            >
            >
            >
            > --
            > Rick Johnson
            > http://Rick-Johnson.webs.com
            > "Those who give up a little freedom in return for a little imagined security
            > will soon find that they have neither."
            >
            >
            > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
            >
          • richard johnson
            I m thinking the barsoomioan longsword has a rapier-like wire hilt (no cup) and a moderatly thin blade (about an inch wide), straight or slightly curved. No
            Message 5 of 7 , May 7, 2010
              I'm thinking the barsoomioan longsword has a rapier-like wire hilt (no cup)
              and a moderatly thin blade (about an inch wide), straight or slightly
              curved.

              No cup because that was designed for thrusts in classical fencing.
              Barsoomian swordplay was thrust and slash, more like cavalry fighting,
              facing your opponant. I base this on Burroughs being a former US Cavalryman
              so he would use his training in his books.

              I see the shortwsword as being much plainer. more a very long dagger
              possibly 18-20" while the Longsword would be 26-40"

              I did a paper on this for Erbzine explaining my reasons.
              No armor and excellent steel means a lighter blade. slasha nd thrusts are
              described so the blade would be heavy ehough to open a throad and remove
              limbs bit without steel body armor, no need to club your way through heavy
              steel plate.
              fancy wire guard to prortect the hand and maybe catch the other blade.
              Curved for slashes on thoat-back but straight and long for infantry. Short
              and curved for navy. This is based on what we on Earth used when we
              developed excellent steel swords and cast away our body armor.

              But I'll check the site when I get home. I've always wanted a nice
              Barsoomian longsword. I was thinking of converting a rapier to one by
              cutting off about 6-8" but will see what is on the site.



              On Fri, May 7, 2010 at 8:34 AM, KeithV <keithbvaughn@...> wrote:

              >
              >
              > No barsoom swords...try www.fantasysword.com for frazetta's version of a
              > barsoomian longsword.
              >
              > Keith
              >
              > --- In barsoom@yahoogroups.com <barsoom%40yahoogroups.com>, richard
              > johnson <rikjohnson39@...> wrote:
              > >
              > > pics should be in the ID THIS file in the Photos section.
              > >
              > > I've gotten some good deals via craigslist.
              > >
              > > A Lionheart Valient Armors sword for $30 ($230 new) that I converted to
              > an
              > > Irish sword.
              > > This one.
              > > BUT, no ERB materials yet.
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > > On Thu, May 6, 2010 at 1:08 PM, sailor.barsoom <sailorbarsoom@...>wrote:
              > >
              > > >
              > > >
              > > > Coolacious. Pics, please.
              > > >
              > > >
              > > >
              > >
              > >
              > >
              > > --
              > > Rick Johnson
              > > http://Rick-Johnson.webs.com <http://rick-johnson.webs.com/>
              > > "Those who give up a little freedom in return for a little imagined
              > security
              > > will soon find that they have neither."
              > >
              > >
              > > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
              > >
              >
              >
              >



              --
              Rick Johnson
              http://Rick-Johnson.webs.com
              "Those who give up a little freedom in return for a little imagined security
              will soon find that they have neither."


              [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
            • Jim Clunie
              ... The hilt can t enclose the wielder s hand too much, because Barsoomians of different cultures throw swords on several occasions in the novels. That doesn t
              Message 6 of 7 , May 7, 2010
                On 8 May 2010 02:17, richard johnson <rikjohnson39@...> wrote:
                > I'm thinking the barsoomioan longsword has a rapier-like wire hilt (no cup)
                > and a moderatly thin blade (about an inch wide), straight or slightly
                > curved.
                >
                > No cup because that was designed for thrusts in classical fencing.
                > Barsoomian swordplay was thrust and slash, more like cavalry fighting,
                > facing your opponant.  I base this on Burroughs being a former US Cavalryman
                > so he would use his training in his books.
                >

                The hilt can't enclose the wielder's hand too much, because
                Barsoomians of different cultures throw swords on several occasions in
                the novels. That doesn't rule out a well-designed partial basket hilt.

                It's feasible on Barsoom to disarm an opponent who has less skill or a
                weaker grip, though I don't mean to advance that as proof of any
                particular form.

                Cheers
                Jim
              • rickj
                Tries that. They bumped me to Knightswdge where a search for Mars, Barsoom ,Frazetta and Frank Feazetta revealed thje nothing found message. ... -- Rick
                Message 7 of 7 , May 9, 2010
                  Tries that.
                  They bumped me to Knightswdge where a search for Mars, Barsoom ,Frazetta and Frank Feazetta revealed thje nothing found message.

                  --- In barsoom@yahoogroups.com, "KeithV" <keithbvaughn@...> wrote:
                  >
                  > No barsoom swords...try www.fantasysword.com for frazetta's version of a barsoomian longsword.
                  >
                  > Keith

                  --
                  Rick Johnson
                  http://Rick-Johnson.webs.com
                  "Those who give up a little freedom in return for a little imagined security will soon find that they have neither."
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