EDIT: LTR - Montbell Tachyon Anorak - Andrei Girenkov
Thanks for your efforts on this test. Below are some items in the standard
EDIT/Edit/Comment format that require your attention. Please take the time
to address these items. Because one EDIT is calling for additional
material, please repost to the list with updates for further review before
posting to the site. Thanks!
---Overall, there is very little mention is made of how the wind shirt
worked in wind, for which it is really designed. While it does have a
light DWR and can repel light rain, rain protection should not be the focus
of a review of a wind shirt. The manufacturer say it is only to keep water
off long enough to put a real rain coat on or get out of the rain itself.
We do a disservice to the manufacturer and the reader to use gear in an
inappropriate manner and then complain offer negative feedback about it.
Please add some content that discusses your use of the product in the
wind. Also, as you mentioned, more pictures will be very helpful to add
color to the content.
> URL: http://www.montbell.us---Under the product information at the top of the report, the URL needs to
be clickable. Please fix.
> Two of the days there was a very big downpour, the other three days theweather was sunny and muggy.
---This is in your field report, but I didn't catch it the first time
around. This sentence needs to be corrected for clarity. Technically, the
way that it is written, it means that there was one very big downpour that
spanned two days. Unless this is accurate, you should use the plural
---Additionally, unless you use a transitive verb with this sentence
structure, you need to start each clause with a prepositional phrase, as in
"On two of the days," or "For two of the five days," and "during the other
three days." You could keep your writing style more intact by switching to
a transitive verb such as "saw" or "experienced."
---Finally, this is a run-on sentence that needs to be fixed by replacing
the comma in the middle with either a semi-colon or a period to start a new
sentence. Alternatively, you could change the latter clause to a dependent
clause and separate the two ideas with a comma.
---There are many ways that this sentence can be clarified, but consider
something like this example: "It rained heavily during two of the days,
while the other three days were sunny and muggy."
> Elevations ranged from 0 ft (0 m) to 1500 ft (457 m)---You are missing the period at the end of this short sentence. It should
fall outside the final parenthesis. Also, consider using "sea level"
instead of converting zero feet to zero meters.
> One day was sunny, on the other two it rained for the entire day nonstop.---This is a run-on sentence that can be corrected by replacing the comma
with a semi-colon or separating into two distinct sentences.
Alternatively, you could turn the second complete thought into a dependent
clause again as in, "One day was sunny, while on the other two, it rained
> Elevation at 0 ft (0 m).---This sentence needs a verb. i.e. "The elevation was..." Optionally,
also consider using "sea level" instead of converting a zero both here and
the additional instances where this occurs.
> On the ridges of Cape Breton the Anorak completely insulated me fromstrong winds.
---Consider offering an estimate of the wind speeds or a description of how
strong the wind was blowing based on observations. Either can help the
reader get a sense of how strong the winds were blowing and how this might
relate to their own intended use of the product. "Strong" winds alone is
pretty subjective without any real reference.
> Unfortunately when rain lasted all day, as it did in Kejimkujik, theprotection it offered was not absolute.
Be careful of such statements, as this jacket is not intended to offer
"absolute" protection. We do not want to mislead the readers about the
intended use and scope of the product design.
> ...and the Anorak was of little help at that point.---Again, be careful of these types of statements. Maybe something like,
"the Anorak reached its capacity of water protection, but still protected
against the wind..." would be more fitting?
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