Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

EDIT: LTR - Montbell Tachyon Anorak - Andrei Girenkov

Expand Messages
  • Christopher Nicolai
    Andrei, Thanks for your efforts on this test. Below are some items in the standard EDIT/Edit/Comment format that require your attention. Please take the time
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 30, 2012
    • 0 Attachment
      Andrei,

      Thanks for your efforts on this test. Below are some items in the standard
      EDIT/Edit/Comment format that require your attention. Please take the time
      to address these items. Because one EDIT is calling for additional
      material, please repost to the list with updates for further review before
      posting to the site. Thanks!

      Christopher


      EDIT:

      ---Overall, there is very little mention is made of how the wind shirt
      worked in wind, for which it is really designed. While it does have a
      light DWR and can repel light rain, rain protection should not be the focus
      of a review of a wind shirt. The manufacturer say it is only to keep water
      off long enough to put a real rain coat on or get out of the rain itself.
      We do a disservice to the manufacturer and the reader to use gear in an
      inappropriate manner and then complain offer negative feedback about it.
      Please add some content that discusses your use of the product in the
      wind. Also, as you mentioned, more pictures will be very helpful to add
      color to the content.



      EDIT:

      > URL: http://www.montbell.us

      ---Under the product information at the top of the report, the URL needs to
      be clickable. Please fix.

      ** **


      EDIT:

      > Two of the days there was a very big downpour, the other three days the
      weather was sunny and muggy.

      ---This is in your field report, but I didn't catch it the first time
      around. This sentence needs to be corrected for clarity. Technically, the
      way that it is written, it means that there was one very big downpour that
      spanned two days. Unless this is accurate, you should use the plural
      "downpours."

      ---Additionally, unless you use a transitive verb with this sentence
      structure, you need to start each clause with a prepositional phrase, as in
      "On two of the days," or "For two of the five days," and "during the other
      three days." You could keep your writing style more intact by switching to
      a transitive verb such as "saw" or "experienced."

      ---Finally, this is a run-on sentence that needs to be fixed by replacing
      the comma in the middle with either a semi-colon or a period to start a new
      sentence. Alternatively, you could change the latter clause to a dependent
      clause and separate the two ideas with a comma.

      ---There are many ways that this sentence can be clarified, but consider
      something like this example: "It rained heavily during two of the days,
      while the other three days were sunny and muggy."


      EDIT:

      > Elevations ranged from 0 ft (0 m) to 1500 ft (457 m)

      ---You are missing the period at the end of this short sentence. It should
      fall outside the final parenthesis. Also, consider using "sea level"
      instead of converting zero feet to zero meters.


      Edit:

      > One day was sunny, on the other two it rained for the entire day nonstop.


      ---This is a run-on sentence that can be corrected by replacing the comma
      with a semi-colon or separating into two distinct sentences.
      Alternatively, you could turn the second complete thought into a dependent
      clause again as in, "One day was sunny, while on the other two, it rained
      nonstop."


      EDIT:

      > Elevation at 0 ft (0 m).

      ---This sentence needs a verb. i.e. "The elevation was..." Optionally,
      also consider using "sea level" instead of converting a zero both here and
      the additional instances where this occurs.


      Edit:

      > On the ridges of Cape Breton the Anorak completely insulated me from
      strong winds.

      ---Consider offering an estimate of the wind speeds or a description of how
      strong the wind was blowing based on observations. Either can help the
      reader get a sense of how strong the winds were blowing and how this might
      relate to their own intended use of the product. "Strong" winds alone is
      pretty subjective without any real reference.


      Edit:

      > Unfortunately when rain lasted all day, as it did in Kejimkujik, the
      protection it offered was not absolute.

      Be careful of such statements, as this jacket is not intended to offer
      "absolute" protection. We do not want to mislead the readers about the
      intended use and scope of the product design.


      Edit:

      > ...and the Anorak was of little help at that point.

      ---Again, be careful of these types of statements. Maybe something like,
      "the Anorak reached its capacity of water protection, but still protected
      against the wind..." would be more fitting?

      **


      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.