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EDIT: IR Lowe Alpine TFX Cerro Torre Pack--Wheiler

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  • asklarry99
    Hi Mike- I am slowly catching up on my monitoring duties as a means of procrastinating on the work I need to do for my job. Ah well. I apologize for the many
    Message 1 of 2 , Oct 30, 2009
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      Hi Mike-

      I am slowly catching up on my monitoring duties as a means of procrastinating on the work I need to do for my job. Ah well.

      I apologize for the many edits, but ….well, ok, I don't really apologize. The edits follow the usual EDIT/Edit/Comment convention, and please consider carefully my comment about using "the user" as a type of projecting.

      Please fix, upload, and delete the orig.

      Have fun with this baby—see you in 2 months.

      -larry


      --------------------------------------------

      Comment: Pack bag Fabric NHC330/TXP6001680 Ballistic
      >>>Is "Ballistic" a type of nylon (i.e., Ballistic nylon), or other polymer? I note that later in the report you use "Ballistic fabric".


      Comment: According to Collin Fletcher, a backpack is more than just the house for the
      rest of your gear, it is the "crucial interface between you and your load" and
      is second only to your boots in its ability to "mar your walking."¹
      >>>Oooh. Now we're including footnotes in our reviews—how erudite!

      Edit: In that regard, Lowe Alpine touts itself as "comfort engineers."
      >>>This sounds awkward to me, as Lowe Alpine is a singular entity, whereas "comfort engineers" is clearly plural. Consider rewording a bit.

      Edit: After removing the Cerro Torre from the box, for the most part, it looked like what I was expecting after viewing Lowe Alpine's web page.
      >>>This also sounds awkward. How about "I removed the Cerro Torre from the box, and for the most part…."

      Edit: I will attempt, in this initial report, to describe in word and photographs some of the major features of the Cerro Torre.
      >>>*words* (with the `s')

      EDIT: The Frame: Lowe uses two 6061-T6 aircraft grade aluminum stays
      >>>I think Lowe Alpine should be used for the company name, here and elsewhere in the report.

      Comment: The stays are pre-bent and the user will want to check the stays to determine if the shape works with the shape of his or her back.
      >>>I find this to be dangerously close to projecting. Why not just rephrase and say "The stays are pre-bent and need to be checked to see if they conform to the shape of the back" OR use the first person version "The stays are pre-bent and I will make sure to check…"

      Edit: because I own and have extensively used another Lowe Alpine pack with the TFX systems,
      >>>It should be `system', right?

      Comment: This pocket can be attached to either shoulder strap (see photograph above).
      >>>When I read your report, the photograph was actually below this paragraph. Please check and fix if needed

      EDIT: A handheld radio made by Motorola fit snuggly
      >>>snugly
      Edit: into the pocket but couldn't be zipped closed all the way because the antenna was too long.
      >>> I understand what you are saying, but you have dangling phrases (you don't zip a radio!). How about: "A handheld radio…fit snugly into the pocket, but then I couldn't close the pocket because the antenna was too long" or something like that.

      EDIT: The thickness of the padding varies but is generally between 1/2 inch (1 cm) to 1 inch (2.5 cm).
      >>>between ½ *and* 1 inch

      EDIT: Lowe Alpine apparently tests it buckles
      >>>its

      Pack Bag Capacity and Accessibility: According to Lowe,
      EDIT: the Cerro Torre, has a 4,000 + 900 cubic inch (65:85 L) pack bag
      >>>I think this needs either to read "the Cerro Torre has a 4000 + 900 cu in *capacity*
      >>>OR
      >>>"the Cerro Torre is a 4000 + 900 cu in pack bag
      >>>See what I mean?

      Edit: with lid and collar extension.
      >>>extensions

      Edit: The user can insert a 32 ounce (1,000 ml) Nalgene water bottle into each pocket.
      >>>#1 I think the consensus of the powers that be is that everyone knows what a 1 l Nalgene is, and that US and metric volumes are not needed for this.
      >>>#2 I am not crazy about your use of "The user", as it is skirting the line about projecting, as noted above. Why not just say "I"?
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