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Forty, Frisky, & here to Shake you DOWN, melonfarmer!

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  • Greg Kotis & Ayun Halliday
    Friends, The East Village Inky hit a big milestone the other day. Yes, the old girl is forty if we go by issues instead of years. Dang but that’s a lot. If
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 26, 2009

      The East Village Inky hit a big milestone the other day. Yes, the old
      girl is forty if we go by issues instead of years. Dang but that�s a
      lot. If you�re a current subscriber, your acid yellow / uncooked salmon
      / wrinkled purple / discretion pink envelope is on its way! If you�ve
      gone prodigal on us, we want you back. There�s no shame in
      resubscribing! Just eye strain, good feelings and quarterly mail! Do it
      right now, before you remember how tightly you�ve resolved to wear your

      To look at it another way, here in NYC you practically have to open a
      vein to get into a movie! Twelve-fifty?! That smarts, especially if the
      movie sucks, or the guy sitting next to you is a silent farter who
      keeps rustling around in his half-dozen plastic bags of old newspapers.
      (Actually, this is EXACTLY what happened when I went to see Marsha
      Norman�s Night Mother on Broadway, a ticket that cost me close to a
      hundred bucks. Three minutes before the final curtain, with Edie Falco
      gearing up to do something very inadvisable with a gun, and my heart in
      my mouth because I remembered what it was from a previous viewing of
      the play back in the late 80�s, this guy whispers to his companion at a
      volume some would associate with their regular speaking voice, �I got a
      big booger! I�ve got to get it out of there.� Which is precisely what
      he proceeded to do with the finger attached to the hand attached to the
      limb attached to the elbow that was sharing MY armrest for the rest of
      the show! I am sorry to have ruined whatever you�d planned on eating
      for the rest of the day. President Obama not withstanding, can you
      imagine how I would have felt if a thing like that had happened in
      today�s economy?

      You see? That�s the type of quality reportage current subscribers can
      enjoy on a quarterly basis. Won�t you PLEASE resubscribe now? How about
      if I deposit you directly into the shopping cart and push you around
      the online supermarket while you feast from a delicious box of
      imaginary animal crackers?


      As long as your billfold�s hanging wide open, please consider giving
      the gift of Inky. Why wait �til Mothers Day, or for someone to have a
      baby? Here at East Village Inky HQ, our revised long-range financial
      plan is to go as DIY as possible, and thus hopefully stay afloat. But,
      just like NPR and Public Television, we can�t do it without your help,
      so please keep us from drowning by tossing us a new subscriber or two.
      (It�ll run you about as much as a scented candle at Whole Foods, and
      will provide the recipient with just as much if not more bathtime
      pleasure. It�s certainly less impersonal, unless, of course your friend
      has some sort of aromatherapy fetish, in which case, choose your odor


      If we�re lucky, the new convert will immediately head to the East
      Village Inky�s Etsy shop, where they can load up on back issues, thus
      creating a bit more space in my perilously overcrowded apartment. (For
      real, the hairline crack threatening to separate the ceiling from the
      front wall where the East Village Inky back issue cabinet hunkers like
      some malevolent piece of Ikea jet trash grows ever more worrisome�)


      Now then. What to do with all the cash you�ve got left over? I suppose
      you could give it to Greenpeace or Amnesty International, but why not
      treat yourself to a luxurious, culturally enriching trip to New York
      City? Wouldn�t it be awesome if I could actually raffle one off? Yeah,
      well, dream on. Trust me, you wouldn�t want it even if I could. You�d
      have to sleep on the couch and the kids would wake you up at 6am by
      jumping on your head, not to mention our crazy, hook-clawed cat, and
      Greg pretending it�s okay, but secretly seething that he won�t be able
      to traverse the apartment in his underpants until you leave.

      I can however offer you a freshly updated version of the East Village
      Inky�s Guide to NYC. It�s bursting with new listings and recent photos
      of the fast enlarging feral young. Share it with your NYC-bound loved
      ones, but tell them to make use of it quickly before everything goes
      bankrupt and shutters up!


      Can�t quite swing a non-raffled-off trip in 2009? All right. You�re off
      the hook until July of 2010 when Microcosm will publish The Zinesters
      Guide to NYC, helmed by yours truly. If you�re a zine publisher or know
      a zine publisher, (I like the handle �zinester� about as well as I like
      the term �momoir��) please get in touch because there are many fab
      opportunities for my fellow zine publishers to get involved at this
      stage of the game.


      Jeebus Lawd, I feel like I�m just picking your pocket left and right,
      but I�d be remiss if I failed to toot my own heinie for just a moment
      here. Always Lots of Heinies at the Zoo, a picture book with words by
      me and illustrations by Dan Santat, is fast approaching. It�s got a
      bossa nova beat. You can practically dance to it. Tell your favorite
      indie children�s bookseller to stock up, though be sure to specify
      which butt-centric book you�re talking about � according to a recent
      article in Publishers Weekly there are at least four slated for spring
      release. You can see the cover, and even pre-order it on Amazon if
      that�s how you roll by clicking the link below.


      Oh. Hey. You�re on Facebook, right? Okay, I swear it wasn�t me. Some
      kind soul took it upon herself to set up a group called I Heart East
      Village Inky and though the criteria for membership is very tough
      because it�s a very exclusive little club, I think you�ve got what it
      takes to be accepted! This will allow you, me, and every East Village
      Inky reader we know to send Inky-specific messages to each other
      whenever there�s hot news to flip around like flapjacks. You don�t even
      have to friend me! I�d be hurt, of course but I�d understand�shut up, I
      am NOT crying! There was some raw onion on my mascara brush this
      morning, that�s all. What? I can wear mascara if I feel like it. I
      don�t have to be getting married to gunk up my lashes.

      I Heart East Village Inky Facebook group:


      And for the two of you who aren�t on Facebook, you can get on Facebook
      the old fashioned way, by reading a book! Webmaster Dave somehow
      managed to pen a user-friendly guide to that wonderful, time sucking
      ashtray of a social networking site and I not only blurbed it (w/ a
      Virgil reference that got tweaked when his publisher started worrying
      that the great god Facebook would take umbrage to being compared to the
      seven circles of hell), I actually read it! And learned a lot, which is
      saying something, given that I tend to spend 25 hours a day playing
      scrabble with my high school boyfriend, a couple of you guys, and a
      fellow from my college acting class who always intimidated me because
      he was so sophisticated and cool, having been born and bred in New York
      F-in� City. Good heavens. Toss Facebook Me by Dave Awl in the cart
      with Always Lots of Heinies at the Zoo and you will be just 54 cents
      shy of Amazon Free Super Saver Shipping. Damn! Do it anyway.

      Dave�s Facebook Me book

      Good heavens, you�re still alive and reading? By now, even I have
      decided I have work to do! So, allow me to enfold you in a warm cyber
      embrace, with best wishes for a pleasant weekend and robust health,
      both financial and fleshly.

      Your spaniel,

      Ayun Halliday
      Chief Primatologist
      The East Village Inky

      Dare To Be Heinie!

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