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Gothic Horoscopes

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  • Bill Butler
    Thank You SJB...!!! ... Aries 3.21 - 4.20 This month will suck. It s going to be bad and it will only get worse. So stay in bed, shut your eyes and pull the
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 25, 2002
      Thank You SJB...!!!

      Aries 3.21 - 4.20

      This month will suck. It's going to be bad and it
      will only get worse. So stay in bed, shut your eyes
      and pull the covers over your head. Should you get
      bored, try picking at the scabs on your wrists. That
      should entertain you for awhile.

      At the club:

      Seems there's lots of gossip and drama going on. You
      would do well to stay away from it, although you're
      the person who began most of it in the first place.


      You are ready for the new and unusual. Expect
      non-conformity and excitement. Offer yourself as
      something better, faster, cheaper, or more

      Lucky Suicide Days: 6, 26, 31

      Taurus 4.21 - 5.21

      Great month. If you're feeling optimistic, everything
      will go right. If you're feeling pessimistic,
      everything will go to shit. Too bad you're goth and
      are always pessimistic... try some speed.

      At the club:

      Cultivate multiple personalities. This will enable
      you to have more excuses when people become angry with
      you for things you did while drunk.


      You sense a delicious change in the wind. You're in
      touch with a past life, or perhaps it's just the
      really strong perfume that person over in the dark
      corner is wearing. Yeah. See them? They're going to
      break your heart. But that's all right. You'll like

      Lucky Suicide Days: 5, 25

      Gemini 5.22 - 6.21

      Even though it looks like you are just as clueless as
      the rest of the wide-eyed gothlings, the rest of the
      world believes you have a clue. Whatever. Just keep
      looking pretty. In fact, go back to the pretty
      graveyard, stand beneath a tall tree and just look
      pretty. Look pretty, little gothling, look pretty!

      At the club:

      Others begin to sense a particular change in your
      mannerisms... Paxil's working out all right for you,


      All the necessary words have been said. You now have
      a few days to effectively put some action behind an
      agreement. If you don't sleep with them now. you'll be
      labeled a tease. And no one likes a tease...

      Lucky Suicide Days: 7, 24, 29

      Cancer 6.22 - 7.23

      A mistake someone makes is going to piss you off. But
      it wasn't their fault... they didn't know you'd bought
      the same black and burgundy dress the day before they
      did... simply stay cool, walk up to them and rip it
      from their body. There. Don't you feel better now?

      At the club:

      Someone who draws close to you is willing to reveal
      their secrets. Don't freak out when they tell you
      they've been stalking you for months. Calmly turn away
      and head for the nearest telephone. Calmly pick it up
      and calmly dial 9-1-1. Calmly... now hope they get
      there in time.


      Spend time with your favorite people... Go with the
      flow. Be creative and sexy. Give them top notch
      professional entertainment. You're good at that kind
      of stuff.

      Lucky Suicide Days: 8, 23

      Leo 7.24 - 8.23

      Cut yourself some slack this month. Sure, sometimes
      things don't go according to plan, but that's what
      flowers and candy and other neat trinkets are for.
      Just buy an entire stash of 'forgive me' crap and save
      it all for later use.

      At the club:

      The real world beckons once again. People expect
      results instead of just promises. Prove that you're as
      great as you say you are. Sleep with as many people as


      Communication will flow well. So will the wine and
      bad poetry. Keep everything going and you won't have
      to sleep with the person you were about to. It's all
      right - they had crabs.

      Lucky Suicide Days: 1, 22, 13

      Virgo 8.24 - 9.23

      It seems like your horoscope is always telling you to
      quit hiding and let your true self out. Perhaps it's
      time you listened... Satan loves you... embrace
      Satan... Satan bids you welcome into his arms... Lose
      the mask, Virgo - there's an entire world out there
      waiting to be conquered. Isn't it time you joined
      forces with Satan?

      At the club:

      Move on with delight and vigor to whatever is at the
      top of your list. Including bashing the bitch you
      hate. But beware: a smear campaign won't work. You'll
      have to think up another angle.


      Make a new balance between your personal needs and
      your employment status. If it's companionship you
      seek, and money you want... try downtown. If you stand
      on the corner long enough, opportunity will drive up.

      Lucky Suicide Days: 10, 15, 28

      Libra 9.24 - 10.23

      It's not about taking things seriously this month -
      it's about sitting back and watching everyone you love
      get sent away. Far away. Men with white coats will
      abscond everyone you care about. All you have to do is
      sit back and laugh. Laugh furiously. Haphazardly.
      Maniacally. Loudly.

      At the club:

      Predict the oncoming obstacles by remembering what
      you tripped over in the past. And don't drink so much
      this time...


      Make a dream come true...You have the opportunity to
      touch up your roots and thus rise far in life. Try a
      new fingernail polish color (no, not a different shade
      of black, an actual color - like gray) and take
      yourself out for a spin.

      Lucky Suicide Days: 9, 18

      Scorpio 10.24 - 11.22

      Repeat: "I'm not perfect, and that sucks." Say it
      again. Keep saying it until you believe it. You've

      been too happy lately. Drink more. Dim the lights.
      Buy black curtains. Avoid the sun more. Take those
      pretty blue pills that you stashed in the back of your
      medicine cabinet. You'll feel better in no time.

      At the club:

      You're very popular among those who are ready for a
      miracle to happen. See? Those pretty blue pills did
      the trick, didn't they?


      Start by hanging out at the nearest funeral home. But
      never fear - the person who you've been searching for
      will have a pulse when you find them.

      Lucky Suicide Days: 2, 17, 27

      Sagittarius 11.23 - 12.21

      Pace yourself this month. You've been listening to
      too much Marilyn Manson again. It's time to move on.
      Roll up the posters, pack away the shirts and discard
      the books. Improved self-expression is dramatic and
      subtle. A little less black eyeliner, if you please...

      At the club:

      If you must stand alone, please do it in a dark
      corner where no one can see you. Conserve energy by
      taking the simpler path: Hide.


      Get out of a public emotional cross-fire and into a
      long hot shower or soak... There you will find three
      frisky virgins awaiting you with open... arms. You
      will be challenged to act in your own best
      interests... fuck your own best interests and dive in.

      Lucky Suicide Days: 11, 16, 14

      Capricorn 12.22 - 1.20

      There's plenty to worry about - your performance in
      bed, your wayward social life, those black vinyl pants
      with the strange tear in the ass that you discovered
      the morning after a foggy night spent intoxicated -
      but for some reason, you've managed to remain calm
      recently. This is good. Keep doing that...

      At the club:

      The wisdom of older, elitist goths has its place in a
      modern context. Integrate it into your future by
      sucking up to them now. It's easy to ride on others'
      coat tails.


      You'll be challenged to stay lively and alert.
      Double-check all details. Buy some cherries... and
      liquor... and handcuffs... and fix that whip that's
      over there in the corner of your bedroom.

      Lucky Suicide Days: 3, 20

      Aquarius 1.21 - 2.19

      An important friendship feels strained, and you're
      annoyed. Buy a long sharp knife. Reeeally long and
      reeeally sharp. Now go to their house...

      At the club:

      You might think you're being evenhanded, but your
      preferences are obvious. Admit your bias, tighten your
      corset and pull up your fishnets. Work around it,
      assuming that there's anything to be done.


      Get more power by vowing to become a "master." If
      that doesn't work, get more power by purchasing some

      Lucky Suicide Days: 12, 2

      Pisces 2.20 - 3.20

      Today, your problems will all fall into place. In
      fact, they'll shatter. All over the floor. But instead
      of picking up the pieces and slitting your wrists, try
      seeing if you can't glue the mess back together again.
      Only when you can't, will the time be right.

      At the club:

      Begin a new cycle of self-expression, leadership,
      honor and glory... decapitate the Mansonites and stick
      their heads on pikes out in the club's parking lot.
      That'll teach the little bastards!


      You care for someone quite deeply. In return, they
      care so deeply for you, that they've pondered killing
      themselves over their passions. Ummm... they just did.
      Better call them and make sure they're all right.

      Lucky Suicide Days: 4, 19, 30

      Disclaimer: I hereby relinquish all responsibility for
      anyone who attempts to prove whether their Lucky
      Suicide Days are correct or incorrect.

      Bill Butler Worldspaceman :)


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