Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

Saint Erma

Expand Messages
  • golden3000997@cs.com
    For Mike et al, Stolen from www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/e/ermabombec127194.html ENJOY! Author: Erma Bombeck, 1927 - 1996 A friend doesn t go on a diet
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 7, 2003
    • 0 Attachment
      For Mike et al,

      Stolen from www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/e/ermabombec127194.html

      ENJOY!

      Author: Erma Bombeck, 1927 - 1996

      A friend doesn't go on a diet because you are fat.
      Erma Bombeck

      A friend never defends a husband who gets his wife an electric skillet for
      her birthday.
      Erma Bombeck

      A friend will tell you she saw your old boyfriend-and he's a priest.
      Erma Bombeck

      All of us have moments in out lives that test our courage. Taking children
      into a house with a white carpet is one of them.
      Erma Bombeck

      Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain
      dead.
      Erma Bombeck

      Before you try to keep up with the Joneses, be sure they're not trying to
      keep up with you.
      Erma Bombeck

      Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high-risk occupation. If you
      call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
      Erma Bombeck

      Car designers are just going to have to come up with an automobile that
      outlasts the payments.
      Erma Bombeck

      Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never
      belongs to anyone?
      Erma Bombeck

      Do you know what you call those who use towels and never wash them, eat meals
      and never do the dishes, sit in rooms they never clean, and are entertained
      till they drop? If you have just answered, "A house guest," you're wrong
      because I have just described my kids.
      Erma Bombeck

      Don't confuse fame with success. Madonna is one; Helen Keller is the other.
      Erma Bombeck

      Dreams have only one owner at a time. That's why dreamers are lonely.
      Erma Bombeck

      Education is so important when it comes to domesticity. I don't know why no
      one ever thought to paste a label on the toilet tissue spindle giving 1-2-3
      directions for replacing the tissue on it. Then everyone in the house would know
      what Mama knows.
      Erma Bombeck

      Everyone is guilty at one time or another of throwing out questions that beg
      to be ignored, but mothers seem to have a market on the supply. "Do you want a
      spanking or do you want to go to bed?" "Don't you want to save some of the
      pizza for your brother?" "Wasn't there any change?"
      Erma Bombeck

      For some of us, watching a miniseries that lasts longer than most marriages
      is not easy.
      Erma Bombeck

      For years my wedding ring has done its job. It has led me not into
      temptation. It has reminded my husband numerous times at parties that it's time to go
      home. It has been a source of relief to a dinner companion. It has been a status
      symbol in the maternity ward.
      Erma Bombeck

      Getting out of the hospital is a lot like resigning from a book club. You're
      not out of it until the computer says you're out of it.
      Erma Bombeck

      God created man, but I could do better.
      Erma Bombeck

      Graduation day is tough for adults. They go to the ceremony as parents. They
      come home as contemporaries. After twenty-two years of child-raising, they are
      unemployed.
      Erma Bombeck

      Great dreams... never even get out of the box. It takes an uncommon amount of
      guts to put your dreams on the line, to hold them up and say, "How good or
      how bad am I?" That's where courage comes in.
      Erma Bombeck

      Guilt: the gift that keeps on giving.
      Erma Bombeck

      Have you any idea how many kids it takes to turn off one light in the
      kitchen? Three. It takes one to say, "What light?" and two more to say, "I didn't
      turn it on."
      Erma Bombeck

      House guests should be regarded as perishables: Leave them out too long and
      they go bad.
      Erma Bombeck

      Housework, if you do it right, will kill you.
      Erma Bombeck

      Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium
      and counter productivity.
      Erma Bombeck

      How come anything you buy will go on sale next week?
      Erma Bombeck

      Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It's
      unbridled, it's unplanned, it's full of surprises.
      Erma Bombeck

      I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
      Erma Bombeck

      I don't know when pepper mills in a restaurant got to be right behind
      frankincense and myrrh in prominence. It used to be in a little jar that sat next to
      the salt on the table and everyone passed it around, sneezed, and it was no
      big deal.
      Erma Bombeck

      I have a hat. It is graceful and feminine and give me a certain dignity, as
      if I were attending a state funeral or something. Someday I may get up enough
      courage to wear it, instead of carrying it.
      Erma Bombeck

      I have a theory about the human mind. A brain is a lot like a computer. It
      will only take so many facts, and then it will go on overload and blow up.
      Erma Bombeck

      I have always felt that too much time was given before birth, which is spent
      learning things like how to breathe in and out with your husband (I had my
      baby when they gave you a shot in the hip and you didn't wake up until the kid
      was ready to start school), and not enough time given to how to mother after the
      baby is born.
      Erma Bombeck

      I haven't trusted polls since I read that 62% of women had affairs during
      their lunch hour. I've never met a woman in my life who would give up lunch for
      sex.
      Erma Bombeck

      I never leaf through a copy of National Geographic without realizing how
      lucky we are to live in a society where it is traditional to wear clothes.
      Erma Bombeck

      I was leafing through a magazine where there was a before-and-after picture
      of a woman who went from a size 5 to a size 3 by liposuction. Was she serious?
      I've cooked bigger turkeys than her "before" picture.
      Erma Bombeck

      I was terrible at straight items. When I wrote obituaries, my mother said the
      only thing I ever got them to do was die in alphabetical order.
      Erma Bombeck

      I was too old for a paper route, too young for Social Security and too tired
      for an affair.
      Erma Bombeck

      I will buy any creme, cosmetic, or elixir from a woman with a European accent.
      Erma Bombeck

      I'm going to stop punishing my children by saying, "Never mind! I'll do it
      myself."
      Erma Bombeck

      I'm trying very hard to understand this generation. They have adjusted the
      timetable for childbearing so that menopause and teaching a sixteen-year-old how
      to drive a car will occur in the same week.
      Erma Bombeck

      I've decided life is too fragile to finish a book I dislike just because it
      cost $16.95 and everyone else loved it. Or eat a fried egg with a broken yolk
      (which I hate) when the dog would leap over the St. Louis Arch for it.
      Erma Bombeck

      I've exercised with women so thin that buzzards followed them to their cars.
      Erma Bombeck

      I've never vied for power in the family before. Pointing a box at the garage
      door and saying "Open!" was never a big deal, but holding that television
      tuner and realizing I alone control what is flashed on the screen brings out the
      Iacocca in me.
      Erma Bombeck

      If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally
      dead.
      Erma Bombeck

      If you can't make it better, you can laugh at it.
      Erma Bombeck

      In general my children refuse to eat anything that hasn't danced in
      television.
      Erma Bombeck

      In two decades I've lost a total of 789 pounds. I should be hanging from a
      charm bracelet.
      Erma Bombeck

      It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have
      car windows.
      Erma Bombeck

      It is ludicrous to read the microwave direction on the boxes of food you buy,
      as each one will have a disclaimer: "THIS WILL VARY WITH YOUR MICROWAVE."
      Loosely translated, this means, "You're on your own, Bernice."
      Erma Bombeck

      It is not until you become a mother that your judgment slowly turns to
      compassion and understanding.
      Erma Bombeck

      It takes a lot of courage to show your dreams to someone else.
      Erma Bombeck

      Just think of all those women on the Titanic who said, "No, thank you," to
      dessert that night. And for what!
      Erma Bombeck

      Like religion, politics, and family planning, cereal is not a topic to be
      brought up in public. It's too controversial.
      Erma Bombeck

      Making coffee has become the great compromise of the decade. It's the only
      thing "real" men do that doesn't seem to threaten their masculinity. To women,
      it's on the same domestic entry level as putting the spring back into the
      toilet-tissue holder or taking a chicken out of the freezer to thaw.
      Erma Bombeck

      Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a
      car battery.
      Erma Bombeck

      Most women put off entertaining until the kids are grown.
      Erma Bombeck

      Mother's words of wisdom: "Answer me! Don't talk with food in your mouth!"
      Erma Bombeck

      My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until
      all the groceries are unloaded from the car.
      Erma Bombeck

      My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head
      on the top bunk bed until I faint.
      Erma Bombeck

      My theory on housework is, if the item doesn't multiply, smell, catch fire,
      or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
      Erma Bombeck

      Myths that need clarification: "Everyone in California lives on a white,
      sandy beach." False. The only people who live on California beaches are
      vacationers from Arizona, Utah, and Nevada who own condos.
      Erma Bombeck

      Myths that need clarification: "No matter how many times you see the Grand
      canyon, you are still emotionally moved to tears." False. It depends on how many
      children the out-of-towners brought with them who kicked the back of your
      seat from Phoenix to Flagstaff and got their gum caught in your hair.
      Erma Bombeck

      Never accept a drink from a urologist.
      Erma Bombeck

      Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
      Erma Bombeck

      Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all
      you have done since you graduated.
      Erma Bombeck

      Never have more children than you have car windows.
      Erma Bombeck

      Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
      Erma Bombeck

      Never order food in excess of your body weight.
      Erma Bombeck

      No one ever died from sleeping in an unmade bed. I have known mothers who
      remake the bed after their children do it because there is wrinkle in the spread
      or the blanket is on crooked. This is sick.
      Erma Bombeck

      No self-respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a
      major holiday.
      Erma Bombeck

      On vacations: We hit the sunny beaches where we occupy ourselves keeping the
      sun off our skin, the saltwater off our bodies, and the sand out of our
      belongings.
      Erma Bombeck

      Once you get a spice in your home, you have it forever. Women never throw out
      spices. The Egyptians were buried with their spices. I know which one I'm
      taking with me when I go.
      Erma Bombeck

      One thing they never tell you about child raising is that for the rest of
      your life, at the drop of a hat, you are expected to know your child's name and
      how old he or she is.
      Erma Bombeck

      Onion rings in the car cushions do not improve with time.
      Erma Bombeck

      People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife.
      The rules are the same. Look for something you'll feel comfortable wearing.
      Allow for room to grow.
      Erma Bombeck

      Phrases and their actual meanings: "My teacher has never liked me." Expect a
      phone call before lunch from the teacher informing you that your child has
      been launching hot dogs by compressing them inside a small Thermos and then
      removing the lid quickly.
      Erma Bombeck

      Some say our national pastime is baseball. Not me. It's gossip.
      Erma Bombeck

      Someone once threw me a small, brown, hairy kiwi fruit, and I threw a
      wastebasket over it until it was dead.
      Erma Bombeck

      Sometimes I can't figure designers out. It's as if they flunked human
      anatomy.
      Erma Bombeck

      Thanks to my mother, not a single cardboard box has found its way back into
      society. We receive gifts in boxes from stores that went out of business twenty
      years ago. Erma Bombeck
      Erma Bombeck

      Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare. They are consumed in
      twelve minutes. Half-times take twelve minutes. This is not coincidence.
      Erma Bombeck

      The age of your children is a key factor in how quickly you are served in a
      restaurant. We once had a waiter in Canada who said, "Could I get you your
      check?" and we answered, "How about the menu first?"
      Erma Bombeck

      The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy
      breathing again.
      Erma Bombeck

      There are people who put their dreams in a little box and say, "Yes, I've got
      dreams, of course I've got dreams." Then they put the box away and bring it
      out once in awhile to look in it, and yep, they're still there.
      Erma Bombeck

      There is a thin line that separates laughter and pain, comedy and tragedy,
      humor and hurt.
      Erma Bombeck

      There is nothing more miserable in the world than to arrive in paradise and
      look like your passport photo.
      Erma Bombeck

      There is one thing I have never taught my body how to do and that is to
      figure out at 6 A.M. what it wants to eat at 6 P.M.
      Erma Bombeck

      There's nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not
      be a child.
      Erma Bombeck

      There's something wrong with a mother who washes out a measuring cup with
      soap and water after she's only measured water in it.
      Erma Bombeck

      We've got a generation now who were born with semi equality. They don't know
      how it was before, so they think, this isn't too bad. We're working. We have
      our attache cases and our three piece suits. I get very disgusted with the
      younger generation of women. We had a torch to pass, and they are just sitting
      there. They don't realize it can be taken away. Things are going to have to get
      worse before they join in fighting the battle.
      Erma Bombeck

      What's with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked
      directions somewhere?
      Erma Bombeck

      When a child is locked in the bathroom with water running and he says he's
      doing nothing but the dog is barking, call 911.
      Erma Bombeck

      When humor goes, there goes civilization.
      Erma Bombeck

      When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not
      have a single bit of talent left, and could say, "I used everything you gave
      me";
      Erma Bombeck

      When it comes to cooking, five years ago I felt guilty "just adding water."
      Now I want to bang the tube against the countertop and have a five-course meal
      pop out. If it comes with plastic silverware and a plate that self-destructs,
      all the better.
      Erma Bombeck

      When your mother asks, "Do you want a piece of advice?" it is a mere
      formality. It doesn't matter if you answer yes or no. You're going to get it anyway.
      Erma Bombeck

      Who in their infinite wisdom decreed that Little League uniforms be white?
      Certainly not a mother.
      Erma Bombeck

      Why would anyone steal a shopping cart? It's like stealing a two-year-old.
      Erma Bombeck

      You become about as exciting as your food blender. The kids come in, look you
      in the eye, and ask if anybody's home.
      Erma Bombeck

      Youngsters of the age of two and three are endowed with extraordinary
      strength. They can lift a dog twice their own weight and dump him into the bathtub.
      Erma Bombeck
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.