On the Lighter Side
- Poking around at the News Blog and found this.
WE HEAR A BIT OF A JAZZY ARRANGEMENT OF "FROM THE HALLS OF MONTEZUMA". FADE IN ON A
BUNKER FESTOONED WITH MAPS 'LOOSE LIPS' POSTERS, AND HANGING LIGHTS THAT SWING FROM
THE CONCUSSION OF BACKGROUND EXPLOSIONS. IN THE BUNKER WE SEE BUD ABBUSH AND JOHN Q.
COSTELLO IN ARMY GEAR.
COSTELLO: Heyyyyyy Ab-buuuuush!
ABBUSH: (popping up from under a desk) What? What? Whaaaaaaat?
COSTELLO: This war...it's goin' terrible!
ABBUSH: Ah, quit complainin'...it's goin' fine.
(WE HEAR A BOOM THAT SHAKES THE BUNKER, SCATTERING DUST AND FLICKERING THE LIGHTS)
COSTELLO: (trembling) No, it's not. We shouldn't be here, I knew it--we shoulda
never come here...
ABBUSH: You're gonna let one little car bomb a day rattle ya, ya coward? Aaaaaah,
where's your sense of patriotism?
(ANOTHER THREE BOMBS GO OFF MUCH CLOSER BY, KNOCKING PLASTER OFF THE WALL AS ABBUSH
DUCKS UNDER HIS DESK, AGAIN. THE AIR CLEARS A BIT, SHOWING A DUST-COVERED COSTELLO)
COSTELLO: (spitting a cloud of plaster) It's covered in dust. (screeching now) That
does it, we're leaving! (starts grabbing his duffel bag) We don't even know why
ABBUSH: (grabs Costello and snatches his duffel away) C'mon, c.mon! Take it easy!
(looks around conspiratorially for a moment, then in con-man tone) Kid, I got us a
plan to win this thing in short order.
COSTELLO: (despairing) You said the same thing last week, and the week before
that...and six months ago...or was it a year ago? (reeling) I'm getting' dizzy.
Where's my medicine?
ABBUSH: Eh, Sgt. Friedman took it.
COSTELLO: It fig-ures...
ABBUSH: Look, I'm telling ya, it'll be different this time--it's a "can't fail".
COSTELLO: My old friend "Cus" used to say the same thing.
ABBUSH: Cus who?
COSTELLO: Oh, (beat, then sadly) Cus...ter!
ABBUSH: Why youuu...(Abbush smacks Costello so hard that his helmet spins around)
ABBUSH: Look, it'll work. It's gonna be a major surge.
COSTELLO: (excited) A surge? What are you---crazy?! It won't work--there's no
support for that!
ABBUSH: Oh, There's plenty of support for it.
COSTELLO: You tell me...who's pro surge?
ABBUSH: Well, for national security reasons, I can't give the details, you
know--Patriot Act and all, so we have code names for the entire operation, including
who supports it. For example, the elected officials who back it have the code name
COSTELLO: (confused) Nobody?
ABBUSH: Right. "Nobody". And the surge itself is code named "Bullsh*t",
COSTELLO: Those are awful strange code names.
ABBUSH: Well, it's a new plan, and ya gotta appeal to the kiddies. See, the time
frame for the surge is code-named D.I.I.K--
ABBUSH: It's short for "Damned If I Know".
COSTELLO: Just-one-minute. If I ask you, "Who's pro surge?"...
COSTELLO: Your answer is...
COSTELLO: The answer is "nobody"? Nobody supports the surge?
ABBUSH: That's right. Nobody.
COSTELLO: (shocked) But if nobody supports this surge--
ABBUSH: Well get it right--it's not a surge, it's bullsh*t.
COSTELLO: You're calling the surge "bullsh*t"?
COSTELLO: And nobody supports it?
COSTELLO: That's insane!
ABBUSH: No, insane is the code name for the Vice President.
COSTELLO: The V.P. is insane?
ABBUSH: And proud of it.
COSTELLO: (agitated) That's insane!
ABBUSH: No, that would be the Vice President.
COSTELLO: --You're-telling-me nobody supports the surge--
ABBUSH: Which we're calling bullsh*t--
COSTELLO: And it's a good thing?
COSTELLO: You're absolutely insane!
ABBUSH: Nah, that's the VP. My code name is "Batsh*t". Witty, huh? Got it from "Dr.
COSTELLO: So, lemme get this straight--you're batsh*t?
ABBUSH: You've got it.
COSTELLO: I know. (beat) And that's what worries me. 'Cause I still don't know who's
ABBUSH: And I told ya--nobody!
COSTELLO: But if nobody's pro-surge--
ABBUSH: Knucklehead--the surge is bullsh*t.
COSTELLO: But that's insane!
ABBUSH: No, that;s the V.P.!
COSTELLO: (discombobulated) Fwoooooooooo! (grabs his helmet from almost levitating
off his head) Okay...so, this surge--
ABBUSH & COSTELLO: Which is bullsh*t
COSTELLO: Right! Phew!--would last for how long?
ABBUSH: I already told you, damned if I know.
COSTELLO: But that's not a number!
ABBUSH: I can't give you a number!
COSTELLO: Why not?
ABBUSH: 'Cause nobody wants it that way.
COSTELLO: But nobody supports this bullsh*t!
COSTELLO: Grrrrrrr! So who's pro surge?
COSTELLO: You're in-sane!
ABBUSH: No, that's the V-
ABBUSH & COSTELLO (in unison) P!
(A BOMB GOES OFF NEARBY, COLLAPSING A WALL)
COSTELLO: Yooooooooouuuu're a lunatic!
ABBUSH: Correction. I'm batsh*t.
COSTELLO: I know!
ABBUSH: Well good, now you're getting it.
COSTELLO: All I'm getting is frustrated!
ABBUSH: Why? It's pretty simple.
COSTELLO: No, you're pretty simple.
ABBUSH: (poking Costello in the chest, hard) I'm batsh*t! Remember?
COSTELLO: You're telling meeee? You want this surge!
ABBUSH: Call it what it is--bullsh*t.
COSTELLO: At last--we're getting somewhere...now, who wants this bullsh*t?
ABBUSH: Well nobody, of course.
COSTELLO: Then why are we doing it?
ABBUSH: 'Cause nobody wants us to.
COSTELLO: (frustration mounting) And how long would this bullsh*t last?
ABBUSH: Damned if I know.
COSTELLO: We can't do this!
ABBUSH: Why not? There's plenty of support.
COSTELLO: Oh yeah? Who's pro surge?
ABBUSH: Nobody, I tell ya!
COSTELLO: That is in-sane! (suddenly looking heavenward) I know!...
ABBUSH & COSTELLO: The Vice President is insane!
COSTELLO: (having a conniption) Nnngh, nnngh, nnngh, nnngh, nnngh!
ABBUSH: Kid, you're un-hinged.
COSTELLO: I'm frus-trated!
ABBUSH: Nah, you're un-hinged. That's the code name we're giving you.
COSTELLO: I'm unhinged?
COSTELLO: You're unhinged!
ABBUSH: You idiot, I'm batsh*t!
COSTELLO: (catching on, sorta) Which makes the Vice President--
ABBUSH & COSTELLO: (quickly, and in unison) Insane!
ABBUSH: Now you've got it! And who supports this bullsh*t?
COSTELLO: Noooooooo-body, of course! (wild-eyed) Which is great, because that's the
kinda support we need for the time this thing's gonna last--and how long's that
ABBUSH & COSTELLO: (in unison) Damned if I (You) know!
ABBUSH: (throwing his arm around Costello's shoulder) Kid, how can this plan fail?
COSTELLO: (a beat, then resignedly) How would I know--I'm unhinged.
ABBUSH: (extending a hand to shake on it) And I'm batsh*t.
(THEY SHAKE HANDS--ABBUSH VIGOROUSLY, COSTELLO PASSIVELY, WHILE REALIZING THE DEPTH
OF THE DILEMMA.)
COSTELLO: (whimpering) And you know what else? We're f*cked!
ABBUSH: What did you say?
COSTELLO: I said, we're f*cked!
ABBUSH: (congratulatory) Hey, you guessed the Secretary of State's nickname!
(COSTELLO SNAPS HIS HEAD AT THE CAMERA AS HIS EYES SUDDENLY ROLL UP INTO HIS HEAD.
HE WINCES AND FALLS OUT IN A DEAD FAINT. )
FADE TO BLACK.
- posted by LowerManhattanite
"Life's short and we never have enough time for the hearts of those who travel the way with us. O, be swift to love! Make haste to be kind." --Henri-Frederic Amiel