The Rapture Hath Cometh and Goeth
by Joe Montgolfier
August 27, 2026,
WASHINGTON, DC- President George P. Bush, son of former President Jeb
Bush, nephew of former President George W. Bush, and grandson of
former President George H.W. Bush, known affectionately to Republicans
as "George The Third," and to Senator Barack Obama, (the single token
Democrat in the Congress of the United States of Bush,) as "Spawn of
Nostradamus," yesterday apologized to the Vatican for the accidental
death of Jesus Christ, who at the time was allegedly standing on a
cloud while descending towards the United States from the direction of
the North Pole.
When the Unidentified Flying Messiah, apparently undertaking His
promised Second Coming, was detected in His descent, the nation's
antiballistic missile defense, deployed by the President's uncle,
President George W. Bush, and funded with the proceeds from a
long-defunct government program once known as the Social Security
Trust Fund, swung into operation, and Jesus was fried by an orbiting
space-based gamma-ray laser weapon.
Meanwhile, National Public Radio picked up a simultaneous radio
transmission in Aramaic, which has been translated by language
scholars at Columbia University as: "Oy vay! Not again! What kind of
Poppa are you already? This is your idea of a joke, or what?"
Defense Secretary Neil Bush, uncle of President George P. Bush, and
brother of Vice President Marvin Bush, and of former President George
W. Bush and former President Jeb Bush, was reportedly overheard to
The Chairman of the Board of the China Banking Association, Jiang
Ling-Ping, declared that this in no way would be construed as a valid
excuse for the United States of Bush to miss its monthly interest
payment to the China Banking Association, of $7.65 trillion. He said,
"I don't care if they feel bad now, just wait till we foreclose on the
White House, the Capitol, and the Statue of Liberty. Not to mention
that, as owners of the US Treasury, we also manage the payroll for the
U.S. Congress...no tickee, no shirtee, if you get my drift." Veteran
Republican Speaker of the House Tom DeLay, known formerly as "The
Hammer," issued a statement in which he said, "We sincerely apologize
that Mr. Jiang became upset, and hope that he will honor us by
accepting a token gift from the Congress, of a doormat for his office,
in the pattern of the Stars and Stripes."
Secretary of State Jenna Bush, cousin of the President, and daughter
of former President George W. Bush, was quoted as declaring, "Wha'sh
goin' on? Wha' time ish't? Did the alarm jush go off? Who'sh playin'
thoshe trumpets? Oh, I don' feel so good."
The President attempted to implicate former Iraqi dictator Saddam
Hussein in the Second Demise of Christ, observing that the Jews were
the fall guys last time, this time it was the Arabs' turn, and anyway,
blamimg Saddam had worked just great for his uncle, former President
George W. Bush. However, when he was informed that Hussein had long
since passed away, allegedly of wholly natural causes, in Abu Ghraib
prison, the President was heard to complain bitterly, "It's not
fair....us Bushes never catch a break." It was unclear whether he was
complaining about the passing of the late Iraqi dictator, or the
natural causes thing.
Millions of disappointed Pentecostal Christians, including Dick De
Vos, the 140-year old founder of Amway, who attributes his longevity
to "daily prayer, immense wealth, clean living, and boredom," have
demanded refunds from the LaHaye Universal Plutocratic Trust, Inc.,
publisher of the 350 billion copies of the "Left Behind" books sold to
date. Demonstrations have been taking place in front of Christian
churches all across the United States of Bush. Spokespersons for the
demonstrators have been quoted as complaining about "Two thousand
wasted years," and as declaring, "Time to party."
...and thanx to whoever posted the link to TBRNews!