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Re: [anthroposophy] I Really Needed This - Maybe You Do Too!

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  • Jan
    Hello Golden Christine, You say you need this....... Please, please accept Her Royal Maj and Tony Blair as a free gift from the British, who are still hoping
    Message 1 of 2 , Nov 24, 2004
      Hello Golden Christine,
      You say you need this....... Please, please accept Her Royal Maj and Tony
      Blair as a free gift from the British, who are still hoping for
      independence! :)
      > Subject: [earthchanges_politics] Fwd: Humour, by John Cleese
      > Date: Tue, 23 Nov 2004 11:55 EST
      > From: "Nancy X Sharpnack" <nsharpnack@...>
      > Begin forwarded message: Subject: Humour, by John Cleese from across the
      > pond... Subject: NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE by Basil Fawlty Fawlty
      > Towers, Torquay, Devon, England NOTICE OF REVOCATION OF INDEPENDENCE To the
      > citizens of the United States of America, In the light of your failure to
      > elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we
      > hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
      > Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over
      > all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does
      > not fancy. Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for
      > the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
      > outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for
      > further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
      > will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid
      > in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are
      > introduced with immediate effect: 1. You should look up "revocation" in the
      > Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check the pronunciation
      > guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it.
      > The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour',
      > skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise,
      > you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters. You will
      > end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced 'zed' not 'zee') and the
      > suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix "ise". You will learn that the
      > suffix 'burgh is pronounced 'burra' e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell
      > Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg' if you can't cope with correct pronunciation.
      > Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up
      > "vocabulary". Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler
      > noises such as "like" and "you know" and "actually" is an unacceptable and
      > inefficient form of communication. Look up "interspersed". There will be no
      > more 'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope
      > with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn to
      > develop your vocabulary then you won't have to use bad language as often. 2.
      > There is no such thing as "US English". We will let Microsoft know on your
      > behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the
      > reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of "-ize". 3. You should learn to
      > distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
      > English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian
      > (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional
      > accents - Scottish dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with
      > subtitles. While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no
      > such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon". If
      > you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become "shires"
      > e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire. 4. Hollywood will be required
      > occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be
      > required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms
      > such as "Men Behaving Badly" or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered
      > down for a wishy-washy American audience who can't cope with the humour of
      > occasional political incorrectness. 5. You should relearn your original
      > national anthem, "God Save The Queen", but only after fully carrying out task
      > 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through. 6. You
      > should stop playing American "football". There is only one kind of football.
      > What you refer to as American "football" is not a very good game. The 2.15% of
      > you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed
      > that no one else plays "American" football. You will no longer be allowed to
      > play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best
      > if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave
      > enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American
      > "football", but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
      > wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together
      > at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing baseball. It
      > is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which
      > is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there
      > is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of
      > baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls' game called "rounders" which is
      > baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or
      > hotdogs. 7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
      > longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a
      > vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible enough to handle
      > potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a
      > vegetable peeler in public. 8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday.
      > November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be
      > called "Indecisive Day". 9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
      > and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand
      > what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You
      > will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you
      > will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion
      > tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense
      > of humour. 10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French
      > fries are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian though
      > 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not
      > aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato
      > chips are properly called "crisps". Real chips are thick cut and fried in
      > animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be
      > served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with
      > customers. 11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
      > to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be
      > doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself. 12. The cold tasteless
      > stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager.
      > From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as "beer",
      > and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as
      > "Lager". The substances formerly known as "American Beer" will henceforth be
      > referred to as "Near-Frozen Knat's Urine", with the exception of the product
      > of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as "Weak
      > Near-Frozen Knat's Urine". This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for
      > the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of
      > confusion. 13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or "Gasoline"
      > as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with
      > the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA
      > and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US
      > gallon - get used to it). 14. You will learn to resolve personal issues
      > without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many
      > lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
      > Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort
      > things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you're not
      > grown up enough to handle a gun. 15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been
      > driving us crazy. 16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be
      > with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to
      > 1776). 17. Last but not the least, and for heaven's sake.....it's Nuclear as
      > in "clear" NOT Nucular. Thank you for your co-operation and have a great day.
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