Behind Blue Eyes
Part 1/4
continuation of While My Guitar Gently Weeps

Author: Frau Hunter Ash
Copyright © 2003-2005 by Hunter Ash. All Rights Reserved.
Email: hunterash@...
Feedback welcome!!
Homepage Addy: http://www.hunterash.com/

Disclaimers: The characters and show all belong to Joss Whedon, Fox,
Mutant Enemy, Kuzui, and God only knows who else. The storyline,
however, is the sole property of the author. This story cannot be
sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made
for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright
notices.

Lyrics: the lyrics contained in this work are copyrighted and are
used without permission but no harm is intended.

F/F romance: the story assumes a loving and sexual relationship
between people of the same and opposite gender <G>. If this offends
or is illegal for you, then please leave. Come back when you are
older, have an open mind, moved, or changed your laws.

Spoilers: This takes place somewhere in Season 6.
Rating: R

Summary: This is more than song fan fiction – the characters
actively use songs and the lyrics contained in the songs as messages
to each other. Hope you enjoy. Full lyrics available on request.
Buffy and Giles are together, having worked through things by using
lyrics back and forth to each other. Now that they're together, how
will the gang handle it and, more specifically, what will they do
about an obsessed Spike?

# # #

Buffy stretched and almost purred as she wrapped herself around the
warm, firm body next to her. For a moment her fuzzy mind had trouble
processing that. She had almost become accustomed to waking up next
to Spike and his body was anything but warm. It was firm but it was
also cold, as if made out of marble or some other unfeeling stone.

And he didn't have chest hair.

Buffy smiled as she opened her eyes slowly, running her fingers
through the interesting hair she found on Giles' chest. Both Spike
and Angel had been smooth and Riley's chest hair had been sparse.
Ripper, however, had more than a nice patch that Buffy found
fascinating, along with all other parts of his anatomy the night
before.

The night before, Buffy's smile softened as she looked at the simple
gold band on her hand and a matching, larger one on her Watcher's
finger. Her wedding night.

After grabbing a few items for the trip, they had ended up in Las
Vegas in the wee hours of the morning and had promptly made it
official. Buffy had giggled for several minutes when Giles put his
foot down and firmly refused to be married by an Elvis
impersonator. They had agreed on a small chapel that resembled an
old New England church with stand-in witnesses. Giles had worried
it was all too rushed but Buffy assured him they'd have a ceremony
with their friends when they got back, this was just the legalities.

Things easily found in Las Vegas: wedding sets, witnesses, and
somewhere to get married, even at 4 a.m.

Now it was 9 a.m. and Giles was still sound asleep. Not that Buffy
was surprised, considering they had probably drifted off somewhere
around 7 a.m. after checking into the hotel and ceremony, they had
celebrated and then set about exploring each other's bodies until
past sunrise.

Deciding to let her husband sleep, although his stamina had
surprised her, she knew he needed at least some rest, Buffy got up
quietly and took a quick shower. Rummaging through her backpack for
clothes, she spotted Giles' notebook and glanced at it for a moment.
It wasn't his journal, which was something she'd never touch; she
recognized this as his lyric notes. The one Willow had shown Buffy,
propelling her into action before Giles could leave the States
permanently and leaving behind any chance they had at a
relationship. It had worked.

Buffy was curious about one of the songs she had heard him sing
twice and rummaged through the lyrics until she found it. The notes
said it was by The Who, a band long before Buffy's time but one she
recognized.

No one knows what it's like to be the bad man
To be the sad man behind blue eyes
No one knows what it's like to be hated
To be fated to telling only lies
But my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to
be
I have hours only lonely; my love is vengeance that's never
free

No one knows what its like to feel these feelings
Like I do and I blame you
No one bites back this hard on their anger
None of my pain, woe, can show through
But my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to
be
I have hours only lonely; my love is vengeance that's never
free
(Behind Blue Eyes, The Who)

The Slayer sat back and glanced through the book, reading the music
notes Giles had made after listening to some songs, mostly about
chords and tuning, some about the feel of the lyrics, hints of what
he was feeling himself about the songs. Buffy looked over at her
sleeping husband and smiled sadly, so many years and so many things
she had never realized about him, had never taken the time to look.

Buffy knew he had been high up in position with the British museum,
something that left Willow in awe but which Buffy hadn't thought
much about since it didn't really affect her Slaying except for his
research skills and intelligence. Now she was feeling horrible that
she hadn't taken the time to learn what made her Watcher tick, let
alone the man who would become her mate.

The blonde sat back with a frown. Dying twice had been difficult but
living was even harder. Living beyond her narrow scope of being the
Slayer was new territory and somewhat frightening.

Buffy pulled out a composition notebook she had bought the night
before when they had stopped for some small items they had forgotten
and began writing. It was time to start living and accessing and
writing down her thoughts couldn't hurt, the Slayer figured. Seemed
to help Willow and Tara and Giles found ways to release his feelings
through his music.

I walk the streets alone
On feeble bones I ride
My sins are etched in stone
I got no place to hide
Well, I was unshakable
In what I did believe
I feel so breakable
But have I been deceived

You showed me your paradise
And your carnival of souls
But my heart keeps telling me
That ain't the place to go
Well, I'm not invincible
So I want you to leave
Well, I'm so convincible
But have I been deceived

I take your words and try them on
Yeah, it's a perfect fit, boy
You tell me one size fits us all
Yeah, like an old straightjacket
Well, tell me why I'm so afraid
All my words are spoken
All my words are spoken
All my words are spoken
In a stolen prayer

I remember yesterday
When things were black and white
Never thought I'd get confused
On what was wrong and right
Well, I'm not unbreakable
With amour on my skin
Well, it's not unthinkable
I could be fooled again

I take your words and try them on
Yeah, it's a perfect fit, boy
You tell me one size fits us all
Yeah, like an old straightjacket
Well, tell me why I'm so afraid
All my words are spoken
All my words are spoken
All my words are spoken
In a stolen prayer

You steal another minute from my life
You cut a little deeper with your knife
You steal a little breath from my air
And you don't care
And even thought I'm chokin'
All my words are spoken

I take your words and try them on
Yeah, it's a perfect fit, boy
You tell me one size fits us all
Yeah, like an old straightjacket
Take this world and try it on
Man, you're lookin' good boy
Stick your neck out on the block
So you won't miss nothing
Stretch your finger, grab your hair
Don't you feel like screaming
Feel the blood rush from your veins
Now you're a perfect zombie
Now I'm on my knees

All my words are spoken
All my words are spoken
All my words are spoken
All my words are spoken
All my words are spoken
In a stolen prayer
(Stolen Prayer, Alice Cooper)

Buffy read over the lyrics, her mind drifting back to the night of
the tower, when she sacrificed herself for the world again. In
truth, she sacrificed herself for Dawn, knowing it was either Dawn's
life or hers.

It was the only choice I could make and one everyone knew I'd make
if it came down to it. I didn't realize how hard it would be for
everyone though, especially Giles and Willow. All I could see was
the world falling apart and Dawn's life was the price tag to make it
stop. It was so easy to take that leap for her and the world. I
could do something right and stop Glory and I had been facing death
ever since Merrick showed up at school ranting about vampires and
the end of the world.

What I didn't expect was coming back. The first time I kinda
knew I was dying when the Master beat me but there really wasn't
any "time" between dying and coming back coughing and sputtering
with Xander and Angel over me.

When I came back this time it was rough. I was so stupid! I
didn't see how much everyone was hurting around me! I was so stuck
on being yanked back into a literal hell that night: my own coffin,
clawing my way out, the demons, seeing the Buffy-bot destroyed and
wondering if it was another me in some kinda of hell, fuck it was so
twisted! Why couldn't I talk about it? Because of the joy in their
faces at seeing me. The hope and need for me to be back and okay.
Only Spike had a clue it seemed. Looking back, I now know Giles had
a hint of what was happening but I didn't see it. All I could see
was his concern; everyone's "concern" that I wasn't overjoyed at
being back.

Why did I turn to Spike? I'm still trying to figure that one
out. He knew a little of what I had been through, I knew he was in
love with me for a long time, bad boy attraction? Slayer weirdness
in being attracted a vampire? It just seemed easier to fight with
him and that always seemed to lead to sex. Kinda made me feel alive.

Well, if you call feeling disgusted with myself alive. It
was a "feeling" I could recognize though.

Then I saw Giles up there on stage. God, I'm ashamed to even
write this: for the first time I really, really saw him as something
more than "Giles." I knew how hurt he was when Jenny died but I was
still too concerned with how that affected me as the Slayer. Fuck,
I am dense! Will and Tara were right; I didn't have a clue what was
happening to my friends!

How could I have been so blind? Looking back I can see he's
been in love with me for years, probably realizing it himself that
night of my 18th birthday. I remember looking at him when Quentin
accused him of loving me like a father and the thought running
through my head that it might be more than that. Then it was gone.
What would have happened if I hadn't let that thought slip away?

Rupert, Giles, Ripper, each are so distinct and incredible
individually. Together - wow! Okay, now I'm blushing. Not that I've
had a lot of sexual experiences: one night with Angel, one night
with Parker, and wild sex with Riley and Spike, and boring sex with
Riley but… wow! It feels weird calling him Giles, think I'll try Ru
on for size, see if he likes it. He is incredible as a lover and…
the love from him is so beyond words. Spike's love is obsession; Ru
is so real it's almost frightening.

I almost let that go! How do I make it up to him? How can he
ever forgive me for not killing Spike after he had those vampires
attack Ru/Giles and cripple his hand? There's so much and I'm
always afraid I don't have enough time left.

I remember telling Dawnie to live that night on the Tower.
That it was the hardest thing to ever do. I guess it's time to take
my own advice. I've got another chance at life and another chance
to make things up to Giles.

Feeling more focused, Buffy suddenly felt tired and curled up in
Giles' arm, falling into a deep and peaceful sleep.

# # #

Buffy woke up with the sun shining into the hotel room and the
gently sound of a guitar being played softly. She sat up and
blinked, spotting Giles in a chair next to the bed, gently working
through some random chords on his guitar, leading into a classical
warm-up.

"Ru? I know you didn't sneak a guitar into the jeep last night and
wasn't your hand in a cast when we went to sleep?" she asked with a
smile.

"Afternoon, luv," Giles smiled and blushed slightly.

Buffy was distracted for a moment by how boyish he looked with his
untamed hair and dressed in jeans and a simple dark blue t-shirt. He
somehow looked younger, almost younger than he had in years.

"Huh, sorry, still brain-dead," she apologized, realizing he had
said something.

"I woke up with the guitar on the chair with a note," Giles smiled
and leaned forward, handing her a note from the table next to him.

"Giles, lose the cast and try out the hand. If it worked, it's a
wedding present from us. We love you guys! Xander is still in shock
but Anya promises to talk to him - Love, Willow and Tara. PS don't
worry, we got a room for the day and will drive back tonight, we
aren't intruding, we hope. Have fun and enjoy! Congrats!" Buffy read
and smiled at the sight of Giles playing the guitar.

Buffy giggled and Giles put the guitar aside just in time to catch
his Slayer as she launched herself at him. He laughed as she wrapped
her arms around him and settled into his lap, kissing him
passionately and then nibbling along his neck.

"You've got your music back!" Buffy almost shouted with delight as
Giles' arms went around her, holding her close.

"Yes, quite a night, wasn't it?" Giles asked softly. "Going from
your first singing gig to marriage to recovered hand. No regrets?"

Buffy pulled back with a stern look. "For what? For being an idiot
and not seeing what was right in front of me and in my heart all
this time? Yes! For not turning to my friends and you after I came
back? Yes. For even getting horizontal Spike once, let alone several
times? Yes. For loving and marrying you? Never."

Giles smiled and kissed her softly. "I'm sorry I almost ran again."

"I don't blame you for that, Ru," Buffy whispered, kissing his
ear. "I nearly drove you off."

"Forgive each other?" Giles suggested with a shy smile.

"Yes," Buffy agreed and moved off his lap, sitting on the edge of
the bed. "Play something for me?"

Giles' eyebrows rose. "What would you like, luv?"

"Whatever you're feeling," Buffy said shyly. "We've been
communicating through songs for a couple of weeks now. Some of them
were kinda nice when you weren't pissing me off by making me look at
things."

Giles chuckled and thought about it for a moment and picked up the
guitar. After a moment of tuning he launched into a song, softly at
first.

In these days and these hours of fury
When the darkness and answers are thin
Lovers come and check out in a hurry, shallow and hollow again
Come lay your body beside me, to dream to sleep with the lamb
To the question your eyes seem to send

Am I your passion, your promise, your end?
I say I am, yes I am
Your passion, your promise, your end
Yes I am

Barring divine intervention, there is nothing between you and I
And if I carelessly forgot to mention, your body your power can
sanctify
Come feed your hunger, your thirst
Lay it down the beast will die
You can question my heart once again

Am I your passion, your promise, your end?
I say I am, yes I am
Your passion, your promise, your end
Yes I am

Your passion, your promise, your end
Yes I am

I will stand firm in the tempest, I will ride destiny's trail
To believe when the truth comes up empty to hold and respect without
fail
Come and be one in the motion, a desire they cannot comprehend
Never to question again for I am your passion, your promise
Your end

Oh yes I am
(Yes I Am, Melissa Etheridge)

"Wow," Buffy said softly, tears filling her eyes. "Giles, Ru, I…"

"Come here, luv," Giles said softly, setting the guitar aside and
taking Buffy in his arms again.

# # #

Giles walked out of the bathroom, toweling his hair dry and heard
Buffy giggling and smiled as he took in the sight of his wife lying
across the bed on her stomach on the telephone. She wiggled her
eyebrows at him.

"No, I swear it's not a joke, Willow and Tara told you the truth!"
Buffy protested as Giles smiled and moved next to her, clad only in
a t-shirt and boxer shorts. "Giles is right here next to me looking
incredibly sexy and the marriage license is on the dresser."

Giles could vaguely hear Dawn's voice over the receiver, high
pitched and excited.

"Yes, you can have pizza and ice cream tonight to celebrate," Buffy
sighed. "And No! you cannot go out. Spike has gone nuts, you know
that. Tell Anya to have a pizza party or something. We'll be back
tomorrow night. We're going to spend another night."

Giles nodded and moved onto his side and began running a hand under
her shirt, lightly scratching her back. Buffy closed her eyes and
almost began purring.

"Yes, I really am," she told Dawn. "I really am happy and I'm okay.
Better than before. Yeah, I'm back to normal. Huh? Yeah, right here."

Giles looked puzzled as Buffy handed him the phone. "Yes?"

"Giles! You really got married to my nutzo sister?" Dawn squeaked in
his ear. He moved the phone away for a moment and chuckled.

"Appears that way, yes," he said calmly. "Are you alright with that?"

"Oh yeah! That mean's you're my… my what? Brother-in-law, yeah,
that's cool!"

Giles shook his head and smiled. "I'm glad you approve."

"Yeah! Xander is choking on his coffee and that's kinda funny," Dawn
giggled.

"I'll give you back to your sister now," Giles said quickly and
handed the phone back to the Slayer.

"Do your homework and stay out of trouble," Buffy ordered and then
her face softened. "Yeah, I really love him. It's not some crazy
sex-fighting thing like Spike. It's… he's amazing. No! I am not
giving you details! One, you're too young! Two, it's not your
business, Three, he's right here! Alright, we'll see you tomorrow
night and we'll celebrate and plan a ceremony there at home. I love
you too. What? Anya wants what? Anya, what was that?"

Giles sighed, knowing Anya, it could be a question about anything.

Buffy listened for a moment and Giles watched Buffy's face turn very
red and she quickly glanced away from him. "No! I am not going to
answer that question! He wears boxers and that's all you get!"

The Slayer hung up the phone quickly.

"What was that about?" Giles teased, moving her shirt up to kiss her
lower spine.

"There's always a question among girls whether guys wear boxers or
briefs and Anya… well, she, uh," Buffy stammered, stretching out,
welcoming his touch.

"Yes?" Giles prompted, smiling softly as he pulled her shirt off and
continued kissing his way up her spine to her neck, moving a leg
over hers.

"Well, there's also a… a question of how well a guy fills out those
boxers or briefs," Buffy blushed. "Oh God your touch is like fire!"

"And what will you tell the girls?" Giles teased.

Buffy moaned as one of his hands moved over her ass, under the
material of her underwear. "That… that it's none of their business
but there aren't any shortcomings."

Giles chuckled as Buffy's hand fumbled to the nightstand, clicking
on the CD player and electric guitars screeched across the speakers
and Buffy moaned. "More than fill those boxers," Buffy whispered,
turning over and pulling Giles close for a kiss.

And I would do anything for love, I'd run right into hell and back
I would do anything for love, I'll never lie to you and that's a fact
But I'll never forget the way you feel right now, oh no, no way
And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No I won't do that

And some days it don't come easy, and some days it don't come hard
Some days it don't come at all and these are the days that never end'
And some nights you're breathing fire and some nights you're carved
in ice
Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again
And maybe I'm crazy, oh it's crazy and it's true
I know you can save me, no one else can save me now but you
As long as the planets are turning, as long as the stars are burning
As long as your dreams are coming true, you'd better believe it
I would do anything for love, oh I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

I would do anything for love anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do that
I would do anything for love, anything you've been dreaming of
But I just won't do

And some days I pray for silence, and some days I pray for a soul
Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock n roll
And maybe I'm lonely, and not all that I could be
There just one and only, one and only one promise I can keep
As long as the wheels are turning, as long as fires are burning
As long as your prayers are coming true, you'd better believe it

That I would do anything for love, and you know it's true and that's
a fact
I would do anything for love, and there'll never be no turning back
But I'll never do it better than I do it with you, so long, so long
And I would do anything for love; I would do anything for love
I would do anything for love, but I won't do that
No, I won't do that

Would you raise me up, would you help me down
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town
Will you make all that is blue cold
I can do that, now I can do that
Will you cater to every fantasy that I've got
Will you hose me down with holy water if I get too hot
Will you take me places I've never known
I can do that, now I can do that
Now I know the territory, I've been around
It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down
Sooner or later you'll be screwing around

No, I won't do that, no I won't do that
Anything for love but I won't do that
(I'd Do Anything for Love, Meatloaf)

# # #

The newlyweds spent the day walking the Strip hand-in-hand, taking
in the re-enactment at the Excalibur over dinner and then a
leisurely evening in the private hot spa in their room.

Buffy curled up in Giles' arms in the water, sighing with pleasure.
Relaxing wasn't something she got to do often and she intended to
enjoy it as long as possible.

"Uh, Ru, I don't want to be nosey or anything but this is an
expensive place and dinner, I don't even want to think what that
costs," Buffy said softly, interlacing her fingers with his.

"How can a simple shopkeeper afford this?" Giles smiled softly. "My
mother left me a bit of savings from my grandmother. I've not
touched it much over the years, didn't see the need. I have pretty
simple needs."

"I should have realized, the Council didn't buy those rare and
expensive magic books and relics, did they?" Buffy shook her head,
it was another thing she had never taken the time to discover about
her Watcher and friend.

"No, those are mine," Giles said simply. "I wanted to have every
advantage in helping you survive."

"You did everything for me, didn't you? Even after they fired you,
you stayed," Buffy said thoughtfully.

"I cared very deeply for you," Giles acknowledged. "Perhaps not in
love yet but more than as a simple Watcher. Quentin was right in
firing me as he was playing by the damned Council rules. I was
amazed that you quit though and forgave me."

"I couldn't lose you," Buffy smiled softly and kissed his
cheek. "What Quentin should have done was toss those goddamn rules
and shoved that ritual…"

"Buffy!"

"It's true and you know it," Buffy mumbled. "He nearly got me and my
Mom killed and almost destroyed my relationship with you. I'm still
holding a grudge, thanks."

Giles laughed and wrapped his arms around her ribs, nuzzling her
neck.

"As for the money, we'll be fine," Giles said, turning the
conversation back to a point. "I make enough at the shop to keep
the house up and payments. A bit of the savings we'll set aside for
Dawn's college and still have a bit left over."

"Enough for a family of our own?" Buffy asked shyly, her fingers
moving nervously over his arms.

"F-family, you-you want children with me?" the ex-Watcher stammered.

Buffy moved out of his arms so she could turn and face him, blue
eyes to hazel-blue.

"Yes, very much," she smiled and touched his cheek. "I meant it, no
more darkness. I want the light and life with you, including kids."

"You would make a wonderful mother, luv," Giles smiled. "Your
children will be beautiful."

"Our children, Ru," Buffy corrected with a smile.

"I'd like that," Giles said softly.

# # #

Buffy glanced over at Giles in the passenger seat and reached out to
squeeze his hand before reaching out and turning on the radio.

…Well there's nothing to lose
And there's nothing to prove
And I'm dancing with myself
Oh, oh, oh, oh

If I looked all over the world
And there's every type of girl
But your empty eyes seem to pass me by
And leave me dancing with myself

So let's sink another drink
'Cause it'll give me time to think
If I had a chance, I'd ask one to dance
And I'd be dancing with myself
(Dancing With Myself, Billy Idol)

Buffy frowned and turned the volume down.

"Giles?" she ventured after a few moments. "Uh, what…"

"Put the word out for him to leave town and not come back," Giles
said calmly, watching the desert night out the window.

"What?" Buffy squeaked.

"You were thinking about Spike and what to do about him," Giles
smiled, glancing over. "You're at a loss what to do. You feel
grateful because he risked his life to protect Dawn, even after your
death."

"And he attacked, nearly killed and crippled you," Buffy countered,
her face thoughtful. "If it wasn't for Tara and Willow you wouldn't
be able to play again."

"Yes, so I consider it a draw," Giles shrugged. "You owe him for
Dawn and for whatever help he gave you after you came back. Tell him
to get out of town and not return, I won't be disappointed in you,
luv."

"I should have staked him after he hurt you!" Buffy continued to
frown.

"Perhaps, but it's done. I'm not angry or hurt anymore," Giles
assured her. "We're together, how could I be? Just get him out of
town."

"Either he leaves or I stake him this time," Buffy said firmly.