While My Guitar Gently Weeps
Part 1

Author: Frau Hunter Ash
Copyright © 2003-2005 by Hunter Ash. All Rights Reserved.
Email: hunterash@...
Feedback welcome!!
Homepage Addy: http://www.hunterash.com/

Disclaimers: The characters and show all belong to Joss Whedon, Fox,
Mutant Enemy, Kuzui, and God only knows who else. The storyline,
however, is the sole property of the author. This story cannot be
sold or used for profit in any way. Copies of this story may be made
for private use only and must include all disclaimers and copyright
notices.

Lyrics: the lyrics contained in this work are copyrighted and are
used without permission but no harm is intended.

F/F romance: the story assumes a loving and sexual relationship
between people of the same and opposite gender <G>. If this offends
or is illegal for you, then please leave. Come back when you are
older, have an open mind, moved, or changed your laws.

Spoilers: This takes place somewhere in Season 6. Rating: R

Summary: This is more than song fan fiction – the characters
actively use songs and the lyrics contained in the songs as messages
to each other. Hope you enjoy. Full lyrics available on request.

# # #

Buffy died and was brought back and isn't happy about it and took up
with Spike. Willow and Tara are still together though, having found
a new and interesting topic to hold their attention other than
Willow's casual use of magic. My first real attempt at straight sex.
Be kind.

Rating: R (US), 15 (UK), MA (Australian)


* * *

"Please tell me again why we're out clubbing?" Buffy sighed. "I want
to get back to Sp… slaying, I need to patrol."

Willow and Tara both caught the slip but chose to ignore it. Buffy
hadn't confided in them that she was having sex with the vampire and
neither witch wanted to confront her with it. They were both afraid
of pushing Buffy even further away than she already was.

It hadn't been an easy month for any of the Scooby Gang, Willow
reflected. Not even for Spike, although she was quickly losing any
sympathy or friendship she had once felt for the neutered vampire.

Willow had tried to be patient and understanding, especially after
finding out that they had resurrected Buffy not from some hellish
dimension but from somewhere peaceful. The red-haired hacker was
beginning to lose that patience though. Instead of reaching out to
her friends, Buffy had turned to Spike and was even having sex with
him.

Tara had argued that Willow shouldn't make faces or go "ewww" when
they discovered Buffy's sex life with the vampire. They had arrived
home very late one night after doing some research at the Magic Box
and saw the Slayer and vampire having sex on the kitchen table.
Tara pointed out that Buffy had been with a vampire before and
Willow had been with a werewolf.

Willow had threatened to materialize a balloon full of water above
Tara's head if she brought that up again. She frowned at the thought
of Buffy with Spike. "Resolve Rosenberg face" had brought about
endless nights of discussion, arguments and self-examination of
their lives all around the Scooby Gang.

Anya had been uninterested in whoever Buffy was having sex with,
Xander had nearly taken an axe after the vampire, however. Shouting
between Xander and Willow had ensued with him pointing out how Spike
had tried to break them all up before so he could get to Buffy.

Willow and Tara had countered that they didn't care if she slept
with Spike, what worried them was that Buffy wasn't getting better
emotionally, even with the relationship. She was still distant from
the gang and drifting further away.

Then Anya had pointed something out that had stuck with Willow for
several days. There was another member of the Scooby Gang missing
from the meeting: Giles.

Tara admitted that Anya had been very insightful in pointing that
out and the fact that Giles was becoming almost as distant
emotionally as Buffy.

Willow promptly set about discovering what was causing their friend
to pull back. Buffy being distant, Willow could almost understand
that, but Giles was another story. He was their rock, their mentor
and friend but ever since Buffy's death he had been lost, as if just
passing the time.

The red-haired witch resorted to waiting outside the Magic Box,
where Giles had been sleeping on the sofa in the back ever since
returning from England. That in itself had bothered Willow, as if
he was unwilling to commit to being back in the States and was just
waiting to leave again.

Willow talked Tara into waiting with her in the laundry mat across
the street and both sets of eyebrows rose when Giles locked up the
shop with guitar case in hand.

"He's playing again?" Tara asked, remembering the time they had
stumbled across him performing.

"Must be," Willow nodded, watching her mentor head towards the
northern part of town. "One, that was an electric guitar case; I've
never seen Giles with an electric guitar. Two, he was wearing jeans,
t-shirt, leather jacket and tennis shoes. What's wrong with this
picture? Was that Ripper or Giles?"

"Ripper? Is that the time you told me about with that sorcerer Ethan
and candy that made the adults turn into teenagers?" Tara asked,
trying to keep all the stories from the Scooby Gang sorted in her
mind.

"Yeah. Let's see where he's going," Willow urged.

# # #

"I should be patrolling," Buffy repeated. "I'm here why?"

"Because we haven't seen enough of you lately," Tara said, answering
Buffy's question. "This is a new club and we thought you might
enjoy a night out."

"I've got things to do," Buffy frowned, looking towards the door.

"Buff, you've been neglecting us and, I for one, am feeling it,"
Xander said, adding a smile to ease the sharpness of the words. "I
think I might even have to buy a round of drinks for everyone
because of my sorrow."

Anya giggled at Buffy's exasperated expression and the Slayer let
herself be led to a table with the others, effectively surrounded by
her friends.

Buffy wanted out of the crowded place. She was uncomfortable being
around people, even in dim lighting. Ever since returning the only
time she felt comfortable was being alone at night. Not even the
sex with Spike made her feel better, Buffy thought to herself, it
just made her "feel" but it was worth it if she could feel something
for just a few minutes.

Most of the days and nights were spent just getting through the
minutes for the Slayer. Buffy knew what was happening around her;
she was efficient, responsible and almost mechanical in everything,
even Slaying.

If she had talked it over with Giles, Buffy might have recognized
the same reactions when she had been forced to kill Angel to save
the world. She had shut down her emotions and had run away. This
time she wasn't physically running away but emotionally she was just
as shut off.

Willow and Tara gave up trying to draw Buffy into conversation after
five minutes although Xander still gave it a good shot until the
house lights dimmed and the stage lights went up. The new curtains
pulled back to reveal a modest stage with a band already set up to
play.

Willow managed to resist breaking into a grin as she took in the
sight of Giles in the lead singer and guitar position as Xander,
Anya and Buffy began to figure it out as well. Tara squeezed
Willow's hand tightly under the table, warning her girlfriend not to
give it away that she and Willow had anticipated Giles onstage.

Ripper was dressed in well-worn black jeans that were faded almost
grey. His Doc Martins were also well broken in and looked almost
natural on the lean body. A black t-shirt, leather wristband, and
dark biker sunglasses completed his look. Anya sat with open mouth
as she took in her business partner. Willow glanced over and
giggled to herself as Xander almost dropped his drink.

The one that caught Tara's eyes, however, was Buffy. The Slayer
looked stunned and mesmerized at the sight of her Watcher in
anything other than tweed and a button down shirt.

Giles apparently didn't notice the gang among the crowd as the band
did a quick check of their instruments and growled as he approached
the microphone.

"Welcome to the Cellar, enjoy, mates!" Ripper smirked. "Here's an
old one by MC5. Right now it's time to 'Kick Out the Jams'!"

Ripper slammed his guitar pick over the strings as the drummer
crashed his high hat and snare, opening the set with the hard
rocking tune of band life.

Xander managed to complete the action of dropping his drink and
Buffy nearly fell out of her chair at the screaming guitars and her…
her Watcher?

The band slipped right into Limp Bizkit and even Willow was
surprised almost into choking. When the hell did Giles listen to
heavy metal/rap or whatever it was? She had anticipated something
more along the lines of Free Bird or something old, not the modern
stuff that even gave her a headache most of the time.

The crowd seemed to enjoy the high energy the band was putting out
and a dance area was quickly forming in front of the stage. Tara
wondered it if was going to disintegrate into a mosh pit if the band
kept this kind of music up.

Hearing Giles do Metallica's "King Nothing" had Xander convinced
that they had either entered some demon dimension or the place was
haunted and he was living a nightmare. Giles did not know Limp
Bizkit and Metallica, his brain protested.

Tara, meanwhile, having put up with heavy metal all her life from
her brother Donnie, was watching Buffy; they had been hoping that
something would draw the Slayer out of her shell and back to them.
Now the blonde haired witch blinked in surprise at the obvious
interest and… what?

The band opted for a short break to repair a mangled guitar string
and the gang watched, open mouthed, as Ripper turned and grabbed a
bottle of whiskey and drank straight from the bottle before handing
it to the bass player to share. Giles/Ripper pulled a bandana out
from a back pocket and rubbed it over his face before turning to
talk to someone yelling for his attention off stage.

"Oh God!" Xander exclaimed. "Tell me this is so not happening! That…
that… he's possessed!"

"Well, it certainly is different than singing in a coffee shop,"
Anya agreed. "The music is louder and more intense."

"He's…he's…" Buffy stammered.

"Possessed!" Xander shouted.

"Xander, calm down," Willow said impatiently. "He's just playing in
a band, not dealing drugs or raising demons or something."

"Playing in a band? At his age?" Xander squeaked.

"I remember someone wanting to see the Rolling Stones this year,"
Willow countered. "How old are they? Mummified like one of your
girlfriends?"

"You dated a mummy?" Anya asked with a frown.

"It's not like I knew she was a mummy!" Xander protested as Willow
smirked, having diverted him.

Tara squeezed Willow's hand and slightly nodded her head in Buffy's
direction when she caught her lover's attention. The hacker's eyes
narrowed as she took in her best friend watching Giles on stage.
She realized Buffy was seeing her Watcher in something of a new
light and seemed fascinated by it.

"We'll be back, girl break!" Willow announced, dragging Tara to her
feet.

"I don't want a girl break," Anya protested. "I want to know about
Mummy Girl! First jackals and now mummies?!"

"Hyenas, I was a hyena, not a jackal!" Xander complained and Buffy
continued to watch Giles, ignoring the witches.

Willow and Tara took advantage of this to slip away from the table
and outside the club for some fresh air and to talk without the
pounding decibels.

"Am I imagining things?" Tara asked softly as they stayed close to
the door. They might be powerful witches but it was still Sunnydale
and something could always attack in the shadows faster than they
could cast a spell.

"Buffy's paying attention to something other than going through the
motions! " Willow nodded. "And it's Giles? That is kinda weird."

"You had a crush on him," Tara pointed out.

"I had a crush on Giles, not Ripper," Willow clarified. "One geek to
another."

"You think Buffy's attracted to him?" Tara asked, leaning against
the wall as several club goers slid past them down the stairs to the
main entrance. "I could never tell but I thought he felt that Buffy
and all of you were like his children, not sexual like."

Willow frowned. "I don't know. Maybe Buffy needs the element of
danger in her boyfriends and Giles certainly looks it tonight. We
know he isn't functioning well without Buffy needing him. Could it
be more? How do we find out?"

"I've got an idea!" Tara grinned. "Tell me something, love, is
setting up our friends so we can spy on them evil?"

"Nope," Willow said cheerfully. "We're working towards the
betterment of our Slayer and Watcher, that means being sneaky and
underhanded is allowed."

* * *

The next set the band chose was a little less intense in speed and
volume, ranging from Led Zepplin to Nine Inch Nails.

Willow was feeling good about bringing Buffy to the club and her
obvious enjoyment in seeing a new side of Giles. Then the witch
frowned, Giles was hitting the whiskey bottle regularly between
songs and it didn't seem to be fazing him. The witch wondered how
long he had been drinking this time, having seen a weakness for it
in the past with Giles.

Ripper went through Ozzy Osbourne's "Mr. Crowley" easily, smirking
to himself that Sunnydale was actually an appropriate place for a
song about a notorious sorcerer. Then the singer caught a glimpse of
familiar red hair and looked closer through the crowd.

"Oh God," he muttered as the bass player, Tim, grabbed the whiskey
bottle from Ripper.

"What, old girlfriend?" the younger man teased, using a bar towel to
try and dry his hair.

"No, just… unexpected," Ripper growled. "Go into that song we
rehearsed earlier this week."

"I thought that was just kicking around," Tim shrugged. "You're the
boss, Ripper."

Ripper returned to the microphone, feeling a little more vulnerable
knowing his kids were watching him, but the dark sunglasses helped
counter that.

"This one is for a rogue wolf I know," Ripper growled into the
microphone.

"Broken doll baby and she says that life is a waste
It doesn't have to be that way.
Dad threw away her mom, her mom gave up his name.
Crucified by their words, nailed by shame.
She stares into the sun, self inflicted pain
She sees that they are blind, why does she take all the
blame?

The rhyme has changed compulsion rules.
Mary's little lambs are now raised by wolves
A voyeur with wings flashes a cure.
She knows forbidden things, they have a lovely lure

It's alright, its okay, welcome to this life
killing time watching the grass grow
It's alright, its okay, welcome to this life
Don't worry, sweet baby, because it's over before you know

Persecuted, she's not normal, I envy her strange ways
7 deadly sins. Seize the hour, seize the day
Her ideas need expression, her wounds never bleed
Her beauty lives in my eyes, too bad she can't see
She doesn't try, I watch her spirits die, but giving up the
ghost would feel so good

A voyeur with wings flashes a cure, she knows forbidden things, they
have a lovely lure

It's alright, its okay, welcome to this life
Just killing time watching the grass grow
It's alright, its okay, welcome to this life
don't worry,

Crumbling Camelot, idle teardrops, cloudy diamonds
Freebase fun house, expecting to fly but she's just standing
still
Every time she gets it up she just can't close the deal
So she gives herself another way out and walks the dog for
the 50th time
And files her nails until they bleed and cries how she
doesn't have to try

It's alright, its okay, its alright
It's alright, its okay
It's alright, its alright
(It's Alright, It's Okay - Leah Andreone)

Ripper moved away from the mic, refusing to glance Buffy's way to
see if she caught any of the meaning in the lyrics. A slamming
guitar twang led the band into Papa Roach's "Last Resort"

Xander groaned and leaned on Anya's shoulder. "Tell me Giles does
not know the 'f' word, that can't be Giles up there singing Papa
Roach, it just can't."

* * *

Buffy grumbled to herself as she worked her way backstage. Like
most clubs, the "backstage" area consisted of a small area with
cases of beer stacked to the ceiling, discarded amps and lots of
wires.

"How the hell did I let them talk me into this?" she complained to
herself as she moved past one band member and then another.

"Hey, sweetheart, why keep walking? Wanna see my sticks?" the
drummer suggested.

"Only if I get to shove them up your ass," Buffy growled.

The drummer laughed and wrapped his arm around a young woman who had
also worked her way backstage to meet the new band in town.

"Where's Giles?" Buffy demanded.

"Who?" the bassist frowned.

"Ripper?" Buffy guessed.

"Right, he's settling with the manager for the week's pay," Tim
grinned, realizing this must be the young thing that had his
bandmate nervous. Tim could see why, she was stunning. Well, he
corrected, maybe a little too thin. "Go on through, he'll be around
back in a moment."

Buffy nodded and continued in the subdued lighting until her feet
caught on some electrical cord, almost sending her to the floor.

"Thanks," she said automatically to whomever's strong arms had
caught her. The hands pulled her upright and Buffy found herself
standing almost against and looking up at Ripper without his
sunglasses. "I, uh…"

Ripper himself wasn't thinking clearly. The pounding from the amps
was still ringing in his head and the generous amount of whiskey he
had consumed onstage in the bright lights was beginning to take
serious affect. Giles resisted pulling his Slayer closer and bit
the inside of his lip to keep from moaning as he looked down at her
thin blouse and short skirt.

"I, uh," he stammered as well.

"We, uh, came to see the new place," Buffy tried to explain, leaning
into him, against his chest and closing her eyes, taking in his
previously hidden strength through the t-shirt. "A… a ride, we
wanted to offer you a ride!"

Buffy blinked and stepped back, blushing.

Ripper growled and started to follow her but stopped and ran a hand
through his hair. "Uh, yeah, of course! Is there room?"

"I, uh, think we can make room," Buffy said softly, refusing to look
in his eyes.

Ripper looked down at his boots to avoid looking at his Slayer as
well and put his sunglasses back on.

Willow and Tara, having cast an invisible spell on themselves,
silently cheered and squeezed each other's hands as they watched the
Slayer and Englishman interacting.

* * *

"Where the bloody hell were you?" Spike demanded as Buffy entered
the graveyard where his crypt was. The vampire stepped out of the
shadows of a tree with a snarl as Buffy pretended to ignore him.

"None of your business," Buffy complained.

"It bloody well is my business since you were supposed to be here
with me last night! Candles, wine, the whole romantic thing,
remember?" the vampire snapped as they walked along.

"Give me a break, Spike," Buffy said slowly. "What we have is not
romantic, anything but."

"What?" Spike growled, grabbing Buffy's shoulder and spinning the
Slayer around to face him. "Tell me you don't feel something for
me, Buffy. You know you do."

"Spike, we've been through this," Buffy growled, knocking his hand
away. "We are not doing it again! You were convenient! That's all!"

"Bloody hell that's all!" Spike growled back, backhanding the Slayer
only to have Buffy hit him solidly with a right cross. In a flash
they were exchanging blows until Buffy had Spike pinned to the wall
of a crypt.

Instead of staking him the Slayer began kissing him desperately,
just like their first night together. Spike moaned and began
pulling at Buffy's jacket as she ripped his shirt open. The vampire
managed to pull the Slayer along as clothing began to be pulled or
ripped away. He got them inside the tomb just before she dropped
his trousers around his ankles and he took her to the floor.

"Oh Goddess, I did not want to see that!" Willow hissed, regretting
her idea of following Buffy now.

"Me either, sweetie," Tara agreed, starting to pull Willow back out
of the graveyard when both of them stopped and ducked behind a
tombstone.

Willow chanced a glance around and saw that the movement that had
caught their eyes was Giles stepping out of the shadows of a tall
oak tree. The Watcher apparently hadn't seen the witches but Willow
had a good idea from the expression on his face that Giles had seen
Buffy and Spike.

When he reached the gate of the cemetery, the Watcher pulled out a
flask and took a very long drink from it before glancing back
towards the crypt. The witches watched as he shook his head and
moved away back towards the Magic Box.

* * *

"Hey, Ripper," Gerry, the owner of the bar, called out as Giles
headed backstage to set up his rig for the nightly performance.
Since Buffy hadn't asked any of the Scooby Gang for help in Slaying
since coming back from the dead, Giles had busied himself with
finding a band that wanted his hidden talents. Nightly gigs were a
blessing to a Watcher who was no longer needed. Giles grumbled to
himself, the only thing he was watching lately about his Slayer was
her sordid affair with a vampire.

"Yeah, Ger?" he asked, walking over to the bar with his guitar case
in hand. Like most guitarists, he might leave an amp behind at the
bar, he might leave his PADs and other equipment but the guitar
didn't leave his sight.

"I got this request list today from some pretty young thing that
said two of her friends were having problems connecting and would be
here, wanna look?" Gerry asked, waving a neatly folded piece of
binder paper under Ripper's nose.

"Sure thing," Giles muttered, snatching the paper from the man with
incredible speed that left Gerry blinking. The Watcher unfolded the
paper and glanced at the songs. "Hmmm."

"Melissa Etheridge, the Police, Duran Duran," he muttered. "I think
we can handle most of these. It's a Monday, slower night."

"That's what I figured," Gerry nodded. "Save the banging stuff for
the younglings on Fridays and Saturdays."

"No worries then, mate," Ripper grinned as Gerry handed him a bottle
of Jameson Gold Irishä whiskey.

"Expensive taste there, Ripper," Gerry commented. "You're the only
one that drinks that stuff."

"I can afford to kill myself with it," Ripper shrugged, taking his
bottle and guitar backstage.

Giles was surprised when he glanced out at the crowd later to find
Buffy sitting near the front. It had been two nights since she had
been at the club and they had all crammed into Xander's little car,
Buffy practically on his lap. Ripper had been more than aware of
how close she was and how good that felt. The alcohol, the high
from performing, and his endless desire for his Slayer had made the
ride very uncomfortable.

What he was feeling now for the young woman was a mixture of grief
and anger. Giles knew he was losing Buffy, that she wasn't the same
since returning but he had never expected her to start sleeping with
Spike. Giles felt a familiar disdain for himself. It had been
obvious to himself for awhile that Buffy didn't need him, now it
seemed to be obvious to everyone else as well, no one seemed to miss
him for Slayer duties or at all actually.

Giles frowned to himself and Ripper turned away from the curtain
with a snarl. "Rather have a walking corpse, would you?" he
growled. "Hey, set it up for the latest Papa Roach."

"Uh oh, Ripper's fangs are out tonight," the drummer smirked. "It's
going to be a rocking night."

The curtain opened and Ripper, dressed in tight Wrangler jeans,
black cowboy boots, tight white t-shirt, leather wrist bands and
dark sunglasses, approached the microphone, no longer worried that
Buffy or the others might be there. They didn't need Giles so Giles
was gone. Ripper was here to work out some issues.

"This one hits a little close to home, enjoy or not," he growled.

When I see her eyes, look into my eyes
then I realize that she could see inside my head
so I close my eyes, thinking that I could hide
disassociate so I don't have to lose my head
this situation leads to agitation, will she cut me off?
will this be amputation?

I don't know if I care, I'm the jerk
life's not fair
fighting all the time, this is out of line
she loves me not, do you realize I won't compromise
she loves me not

over the past five years, I have shed my tears
I've drank my beers and watched my fears fly away until this
day
she still swings my way but it's sad to say sometimes
she says she loves me not
I hesitate, I tell her I hate this relationship
I want out today, this is over
(She Loves Me Not - Papa Roach)


Buffy frowned as the energy of the crowd around her began to build.
She hadn't really been interested in whatever Giles and his band
were playing earlier that week or tonight until he commented on the
song being close to home. The Slayer listened to the lyrics for the
first time and felt her face blushing.

Ripper refused to glance her way as the band moved into
Steppenwolf's "Magic Carpet Ride," and the Slayer wondered who
exactly the song was meant for in Giles' life. The more she thought
about the less Buffy liked it.

"Goddamn, self righteous jerk!" she growled. Buffy watched as Ripper
grabbed a quick pull from a whiskey bottle and she frowned. She
knew that the Englishman had resorted to drinking when he was
depressed before and wondered if that's what he was doing now. "Why
should he be depressed?" she suddenly demanded as Willow and Tara
walked up to the table with their drinks.

"Huh, what?" Willow stammered, surprised at Buffy's furious
expression so soon after just getting there.

"Him!" Buffy shouted over the music. "Look how he's drinking!"

"Well, maybe he's feeling left out of things or s-something?" Tara
suggested.

"Of what? I asked him to help, you know, like with figuring the
finances and stuff and how to handle Dawnie," Buffy complained.

"Have any of us helped you with Slaying or anything?" Willow
countered, feeling her patience falling a notch. "Buffy, do you
know where Giles is sleeping?"

"Sleeping?" Buffy looked confused.

"He's sleeping in the Magic Box, its like he's not staying!" Willow
said, her expression one of exasperation. "You're not training with
him, you haven't asked for help in researching anything, and you
haven't asked any of us to help you with slaying anymore."

"It's my fault he's drinking again?" Buffy squeaked. "I've been
doing fine with the slaying and why should I put any of you in
danger?"

Or let us interfere with you and Spike, Willow thought
bitterly. "We've been doing this since I was 16, remember? We also
held it together and did the nightly slaying thing while you were…
were…"

"Dead, yeah, I get it," Buffy snapped, turning to watch the
band. "So I'm doing the Slayer thing and I'm getting flak for it?"

"Can I talk to you f-for a moment, Buff?" Tara asked shyly.

"Huh? Why?" Buffy demanded as Willow frowned, looking slightly
worried.

"Please?" the blonde witch asked softly.

Buffy shook her head but stood up and headed for the door as the
band cut into several rocking classics. The Slayer turned with her
arms crossed as the door shut behind them.

"What up?" she demanded.

"Buffy, you're g-getting flak because your f-friends are falling
apart around you and you h-haven't noticed," Tara said calmly even
though she was trembling inside. She and the Slayer hadn't talked
much or bonded before Buffy's death. They had barely spoken since
Buffy's return.

"What do you mean?" Buffy asked, uncrossing her arms.

"Giles is drinking and slipping more into whoever h-he was when h-he
didn't like himself with that other guy," Tara tried to explain.

"With Ethan," Buffy said thoughtfully.

"Xander and Anya h-have set a date for the wedding and Xander is
terrified," Tara continued. "H-he doesn't know who to talk to
either. I c-can't get it out of him and Anya doesn't see it. I d-
don't know why he's scared."

"Take a look at his parents and everyone else's parents," Buffy
muttered. Her eyes and tone softened, as she looked at her friend in
a new light. Tara was right; Buffy had missed the changes in her
friends. "What else?"

"D-dawnie," Tara stammered. "I love her, I wish she were my sister
but s-she's not handling well either. S-she's stealing anything
bright and shiny she can get her hands on. Like a little kid or a
bird or s-something. And…and Willow…"

"What about Will?" Buffy urged.

"S-she's so hurt," Tara said loudly, tears filling her eyes. "Okay,
we know you're not happy to be alive again but she went t-through
hell to bring you back and you won't talk to her. Just s-surface
stuff. S-she's hoping if she gets better at the magic that you'll
need her again and it's becoming too easy, too tempting."

The shy witch ducked her head, afraid of the response from the
Slayer.

"Oh God," Buffy muttered and leaned against the wall, feeling like
she had been hit over the head with a board.

Both women were quiet for several minutes.

"I don't know how to fix it," Buffy admitted finally, her head
lowered. "I… I can't feel anything inside, Tara. It's like I'm
still dead. I get up, take care of things, get through the day until
the night. Do my Slayer thing and then, maybe, I can…"

"What, Buff?" Tara asked, hoping the Slayer would admit to her
strange relationship with Spike.

"I don't know," Buffy dodged. "I dust vampires and feel nothing, I
see someone I didn't save and feel nothing. I see Dawn lighting
fires in her trash can and feel nothing."

"You felt something the other night when you saw Giles onstage,"
Tara said, taking a chance.

Buffy frowned and looked thoughtful.

"Let's go back inside," Tara suggested after a moment. "Think about
it awhile and we'll talk over cocoa late one night?"

* * *

"Must be lucky when you find the kind of wind that you need,
come and show me all the light and shame that made your
name.
I know you've got it in your head, I've seen that look
before.
You've turned your refuge into captive, all the same

because you're lonely in your nightmare, let me in
and there's barren in your garden, let me in
because there's heat beneath your winter, let me in

because you're so lonely in your nightmare, let me in
and there's cold out on the stone range, let me in
because there's heat beneath your winter, let me in"
(Lonely in Your Nightmare - Duran Duran)

The band was just finishing up the Duran Duran tune when Ripper saw
Buffy and Tara walking back through the crowd. His Slayer was
frowning and looked up at him with an expression that Giles just
couldn't read, as if she were trying to peer into his mind for
answers to something.

Ripper snarled, caught up in his own pain and anger, turning away
from the Slayer as he took another drink of whiskey.

He leaned into Tim's ear and the bassist nodded as Ripper went to
the mic again.

"I call this one the Watching song, it's rather obsessive," Ripper
smirked.


every breath you take, every move you make
every bond you break, every step you take
I'll be watching you

every single day, every word you say
every game you play, every night you stay
I'll be watching you

oh can't you see, you belong to me
how my poor heart aches, with every step you take

every move you make, every vow you break
every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watching you

since you've gone, I've been lost without a trace
I dream at night and I can only see your face
I look around but it's you that I can't replace
I feel so cold and I long for your embrace
I keep calling for you, baby, baby, please

oh can't you see you belong to me
how my poor heart aches with every step you take
every move you make, every vow you break
every smile you fake, every claim you stake
I'll be watching you
every move you make, every step you take
I'll be watching you
(Every Breath You Take - The Police)


Buffy's frown deepened as Willow and Tara stared at Ripper and his
band.

Ripper almost growled visibly at the Slayer.

"And a personal favorite of mine," he growled and broke into the
opening chords of the Who.

no one knows what it's like to be the bad man
to be the sad man behind blue eyes
no one knows what it's like to be hated
to be fated to telling only lies
but my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to
be
I have hours only lonely, my love is vengeance that's never
free

no one knows what its like to feel these feelings
like I do and I blame you
no one bites back this hard on their anger
none of my pain, woe, can show through
but my dreams they aren't as empty as my conscious seems to
be
I have hours only lonely, my love is vengeance that's never
free

when my fist clenches crack it open before I use it, lose my
cool
when I smile, tell me some bad news before I laugh and act
like a fool
and if I swallow anything evil, put your finger down my
throat
and if I shiver, please give me a blanket, keep me warm, let
me wear your coat

no one knows what its like to be the bad man
to be the sad man behind blue eyes
(Behind Blue Eyes - The Who)


"Tara, honey, is he sending messages to her?" Willow whispered
urgently.

"I think so and it doesn't sound good, I… I think h-he's giving up,"
Tara pondered.

If Buffy had been watching her friends rather than Giles, she would
have recognized "resolve face".

* * *

Ripper sighed as he put his feet up on top of a stack of beer cases
and took a long pull from the whiskey bottle during the band's break
backstage.

"What are you doing?" a voice demanded.

Giles sat up, almost falling out of his chair as Willow stood over
him, hands on her hips.

"What?" he snapped back.

"You trying to drive her away?" Willow demanded.

"Who? Buff? I don't have to try, do I then?" Ripper growled. "She
doesn't care about any of us since she came back. Hell, she doesn't
care if the world ends tomorrow. Going through the motions, that's
all she is now. What do I care?"

"You're just going to give up, right? Let her go on with that
bleached blonde 80s reject?" Willow snapped. She found herself
against the wall and Ripper standing over her, hands on either side
of her head.

"How the hell do you know about that?" he growled.

"We saw them one night and I know that you've seen them," Willow
said, trying to remain calm as Giles' blue-green eyes bored into
hers. "That's not making her happy and you know it."

"And what would? A bullet to the brain?" Ripper growled, moving back
away from the witch. "Buffy doesn't want life, she wants death now."

"Got that in common do you?" Willow snapped, storming off towards
the front of the club again.

Giles frowned as Ripper drank.

* * *

Ripper seemed more withdrawn during the second set and Willow had
just shaken her head when Tara had asked how it went with the
Englishman. The red-haired hacker sat in her chair fuming. Her
friends were so dense! She wanted to whack their heads together,
lock them in a room and not let them out until one of them was dead
or they were getting horizontal already!

"We're going to finish the night off with a special request," Ripper
announced late in the evening. "It was a request from a friend but
I think I'll tag along on this one and dedicate it to someone myself
as well. This is by Melissa Etheridge."

The rope that's wrapped around me is cutting through my skin
And the doubts that have surrounded me are finding their way
in
I keep it close to me, like a hole in my praise. in my
desperate hour, it's better that way
So I'll come by and see you again, I'll be such a very good
friend
Have mercy on my soul, I'll never let you know where my mind
has been

Angels never came down, there's no one here they wanna hang
around
But if they knew, if they knew you at all
Then one by one, the angels would fall

I've crept into your temple; I have slept upon your pew
I have dreamed of the divinity inside and out of you and I
wanted more truth
I can taste it on my breath; I would give my life for a
little, a little death

so I'll come by and see you again, I'll be just a very good
friend
I will not look upon your face; I will not touch upon your
ecclesiastical skin

Angels never came down, there's no one here they wanna hang
around
But if they knew, if they knew you at all
Then, one by one, the angels, angels would fall
Sweet angels

I'll come by and see you again and I'll have to be a very
good friend
If I whisper, they will know. I'll just turn around and go
You will never know my sin

Angels never came down, there's no one here they wanna hang
around
But if they knew, if they knew you at all
Then, one by one, the angels, the angels would fall
There's no one here they wanna hang around
But if they knew, if they knew you at all
Then one by one, the angels, the angels would fall
Angels
Angels would fall
(Angels Would Fall - Melissa Etheridge)


Buffy sat almost as stunned as the first evening she saw Giles
onstage as she listened to the lyrics and then she frowned. "What
the hell?" she muttered as the band left the stage, Ripper barely
glancing their way.

"I'll be back," Buffy growled quickly leaving the table before
Willow or Tara could protest or ask questions. The Slayer made her
way backstage, fighting through the growing number of young women
and men hanging out, wanting to grab some of the energy and the
magic from the band.

The small blonde spun Ripper around as he put his guitar away in its
hardcase. She wasn't surprised when he spun around with his fists
clenched and drawn back defensively.

"What the hell is going on between us?" she demanded.

Giles frowned and pulled the sunglasses back on. "Last time I
looked, not much."

"Giles…" Buffy started but the Englishman held up his hand.

"I've had a bit to drink, I'm not in a good mood and I don't want to
fight with you," Giles said firmly. The Englishman moved to tower
over the small woman until she was up against the wall. "You want a
map, Buffy? Want to know what's killed me for over five years?" he
growled low and dangerous.

"Yes," she said softly.

Buffy started to protest or fight back when Ripper leaned down and
kissed her. It wasn't a soft and hesitant kiss, not like she had
always imagined Giles kissing her would be like. This was an
insistent and exploring kiss, one that she fought against for a
moment but then moaned and melted into.

After a moment Giles spun away, putting his sunglasses back on. "Go
away, Buffy, just go away. I'm not Spike and I'm not convenient."

Buffy staggered away from the wall, overwhelmed by the kiss, the
abrupt ending of it and finally by Giles' words. "You… you knew?"
she whispered, wanting to crawl under the stage and never see the
light of day again as her Watcher kept his back to her, rejecting
her.

Giles just shook his head, refusing to answer.

Buffy stumbled out of the bar, not even looking for Willow or Tara
or answering their calls as she ran from the bar.

* * *

Willow and Tara spent the next three days frantically trying to
figure out what was going on with their friends. It seemed that
everyone was going through a melt down. Xander and Anya were arguing
over little things that didn't make sense and Dawn was caught
breaking curfew by lying about where she was.

The worst were Buffy and Giles, neither was speaking to anyone other
than polite responses to questions. Buffy was up early and out late,
relying on Willow and Tara to take care of Dawn once the precocious
teenager got home in the afternoons. Giles was usually found in the
back room of the shop practicing with the weapons or boxing bag or
reading the books.

Not even Anya could get more than a polite response from him, even
when she was being highly annoying.

On the fourth day Giles found an envelope taped to the door of the
shop addressed to him in Buffy's writing. Inside he found nothing
but a cassette tape and Giles frowned, hoping it wasn't a form of a
runaway note. If anyone was going to leave, it would be him, damnit.

The Watcher went to the tape player/radio that Anya kept behind the
counter to play soothing music and meditation tapes that they
carried in the shop. He slipped the tape into the machine and
pressed play.

What came out of the speakers was a combination of various songs,
some with just a verse or two, others with the complete song. Giles
and Ripper listened carefully after rewinding the short recorded
bit. He wanted to hear the lyrics again, knowing that his Slayer was
responding in kind.

First on the track was Black Sabbath's Paranoid and Giles nodded,
knowing the song well.


people think I'm insane because I am frowning all the time
all day long I think of things but nothing seems to satisfy
think I'll lose my mind if I don't find something to satisfy
can you help me? thought you were my friend
oh yeah

I need someone to show me the things in life that I can't
find
I can't see the things that bring true happiness, I must be
blind

make a joke and I will sigh, you will laugh and I will cry
happiness I cannot feel, that love to me is so unreal

and so as you hear these words telling you now of my state
I tell you to enjoy life, I wish I could but its too late
(Black Sabbath – Paranoid)

Next came one that Giles couldn't quite place but wrote the lyrics
out and began to nod.

you were there like a blow torch burning, I was a key that
could use a little turning
so tired that I couldn't even sleep, so many secrets I
couldn't keep
promised myself I wouldn't weep, one more promise I couldn't
keep
seems that no one can help me now, I'm in too deep, there's
no way out
this time I have really led myself astray

runaway train, never going back
wrong way on a one way track
seems like I should be getting somewhere
somehow I'm neither here nor there

can you help me remember how to smile, make it all somehow
all seem worthwhile
how on earth did I get so jaded, life's mystery seems so
faded
I can go where no one else can go, I know what no one else
knows
here I am just drowning in the rain with a ticket for a
runaway train
everything seems so cut and dry, day and night, earth and sky
but somehow I just don't believe it
(Soul Asylum – Runaway Train)

Giles knew he had caught Buffy's theme and message by the time the
next song fragment came on. He knew the lyrics already to
Queensryche.

I don't believe in love, I never have, I never will
I don't believe in love, its never worth the pain that you
feel

no more nightmares, I've seen them all
from the day I was born they've haunted my every move
every opening hand, instead pushed and shoved
no time for love, does it matter
(Queensryche – I Don't Believe in Love)

"Oh God, Buffy," Giles said softly, unsure how to help his Slayer,
his love.

* * *

Buffy watched the sun rising from the doorway of the tomb as Spike
walked up behind her and wrapped a blanket around her naked form.
He nuzzled her neck and frowned when she didn't respond.

"What's with you lately?" he demanded, pulling the Slayer back into
the shadows.

"Nothing, why? I'm with you every night, aren't I?" Buffy growled.

"Your body is here but you aren't!" Spike snapped, turning Buffy
around to face him. "Damnit! Why won't you let anyone in?"

"There's nothing inside to get to!" Buffy snapped back, shoving
Spike back away from her. The Slayer brushed past the vampire,
heading for her clothes.

"You think you're dead inside so the answer is shagging me?" Spike
yelled, following her.

Buffy shrugged as she pulled her jeans on and reached for her
discarded t-shirt.

"There's someone else!" Spike accused, his voice rising an
octave. "I bloody well know that look! You're falling for someone?
Who the bloody hell? Mr. Third Wheel Xander?"

"Xander is not a third wheel," Buffy said wearily. "Get over it,
Spike. I'm not in love with you, I will never be in love with you,
and I'll probably never be in love with anyone again."

"So, this is where you tell me we're over again?" Spike smirked,
crossing his arms over his chest, unmindful of his nakedness but
mindful of Buffy's lack of interest in it.

"Spike, I thought being with you made me feel something, anything,"
Buffy said slowly, walking towards the door but turned and looked at
him sadly. "I was wrong, being with you is slowly killing me. I need
to find the light, not more darkness."

Spike started to protest until the Slayer opened the door wide and
the vampire was forced to step quickly out of the way of the bright
sunlight pouring into the tomb. He looked up and Buffy was gone.

* * *

Ripper saw Buffy sitting alone at the bar watching him from the
shadows and frowned. Something was different about the Slayer, as if
she were fading into the darkness he was drinking himself into.

The Englishman turned to his bandmates, telling them his next
choice. The drummer, Stevie, had seen the same blonde as their first
night and grinned.

"You got it bad, Ripper," he teased as he brought his drumsticks up.

"Maybe," Ripper agreed as he turned to the crowd. He intentionally
pulled his sunglasses off and stared into Buffy's eyes. "Dedicated
to someone."

when the truth is found to be lies and all the joy within
you dies
don't you want somebody to love, don't you need somebody to
love
wouldn't you love somebody to love, you'd better find
somebody to love

when dawn's lost, baby, you're dead and yes, your mind is so
full of dread
don't you want somebody to love, don't you need somebody to
love
wouldn't you love somebody to love, you'd better find
somebody to love

your eyes, I say, your eyes make look like his
but in your head, I'm afraid you don't know where it is
don't you want somebody, don't you need somebody to love
wouldn't you love somebody to love, you'd better find
somebody to love

tears are running, running down your breasts
and your friends, baby, they treat you like a guest
don't you want somebody to love, don't you need somebody to
love
wouldn't you love somebody to love, you'd better find
somebody to love
(Jefferson Airplane – Somebody to Love)

Buffy winced and tried to turn away from her Watcher but his eyes
held her almost spellbound as they slipped into other songs. After
a rendition of Bryan Adams "Everything I Do, I Do For You" Ripper
relented and put his glasses back on, freeing Buffy from his gaze.
The Slayer turned and lowered her head as she struggled with
feelings for the first time since returning from the dead.

Then came a song Buffy wasn't sure she had ever heard before.

a gypsy wind is blowing warm tonight, the sky is starlet and
the time is right
but still you're telling me you have to go
before you leave there's something you should know,
something you should know babe
I've seen you smiling in the summer sun, I've seen your long
hair flying when you run
I've made my mind up that it's meant to be
someday, lady, you'll accompany me

someday, lady, you'll accompany me, out where the rivers
meet the sounding sea
you're high above me now, you're wild and free
ah, but someday, lady, you'll accompany me
someday, lady, you'll accompany me

some people say love is a losing game, you start with fire
but you lose the flame
the ashes smolder but the warmth's hidden and gone
you end up cold and lonely, on your own
I'll take my chances, babe, I'll risk it all
I'll win your love or I'll take a fall
I've made my mind up that it's meant to be
someday, lady, you'll accompany me
(Bob Seager – You'll Accompany Me)

Buffy wasn't aware of the tears streaking down her face as she
listened to Giles.