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Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

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  • minnesotastan
    HASAKE, SYRIA—When archaeologist Edward Whitson joined a Penn State University dig in Hasake last year, he did so to participate in the excavation of a Late
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 1, 2007
      HASAKE, SYRIA—When archaeologist Edward Whitson joined a Penn State
      University dig in Hasake last year, he did so to participate in the
      excavation of a Late Bronze Age settlement rich in pottery shards and
      clay figurines. Whitson had hoped to determine whether the items
      contained within the site were primarily Persian or Assyrian in origin.

      Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils

      Edward Whitson waits while yet another tortured wraith rises from a
      dig site in Syria.

      Instead, he found himself fleeing giant flying demon-cats as he ran
      through the temple's cavernous halls, jumping from ledge to ledge
      while locked in a desperate struggle for his life and soul for what
      seemed like the thousandth time in his 27-year career.

      "All I wanted to do was study the settlement's remarkably
      well-preserved kiln," said the 58-year-old Whitson, carefully
      recoiling the rope he had just used to clamber out of a pit filled
      with giant rats. "I didn't want to be chased by yet another accursed
      manifestation of an ancient god-king's wrath."

      Over the course of his career, Whitson has been frequently lauded by
      colleagues for his thorough, methodical examinations of ancient
      peoples. He has also been chased by the snake-bodied ophidian women of
      Al'lat in Israel, hunted down by Mayan coyote specters manifested out
      of lost time and shadow in the Yucatan, and hounded by the
      Arctic-sky-filling Walrus Bone Woman of the early Inuits.

      "It's true, I've got to stop reading the inscriptions on ancient door
      seals out loud," Whitson said. "I also need to quit dusting off
      medallions set into strange sarcophagi, allowing the light to hit them
      for the first time in centuries. And replacing the jewels that have
      fallen from the foreheads of ancient frog-deity statues—that's just
      bad archaeological practice."

      Whitson added that he hopes one day to excavate an ancient Egyptian
      monastery or marketplace without hearing the ear-splitting shrieks of
      the undead while being swarmed by green-glowing carnivorous stink beetles.

      Archaeologist Tired Of Unearthing Unspeakable Ancient Evils jump

      A dig in Yalvac, Turkey, is once again disrupted by the occult.

      "I realize I'm entering grounds that are considered sacred to these
      people," Whitson said. "But that doesn't mean I deserve to be pelted
      with poison-tipped darts shot from cavern walls. A simple 'Do Not
      Enter' sign in hieroglyphics would suffice."

      Turning to the subject of his latest incident at a dig site in Peru,
      Whitson maintains he was not at fault for summoning the forces of evil.

      "I was just idly rearranging flint sickle blades that had already been
      catalogued. Apparently, I spelled out the true name of a long-dead
      god-priest," Whitson said. "Can't a man even clean up his work area
      without inadvertently conjuring up a pack of lightning-breathing ocelots?"

      Making matters worse, such encounters have had little to no scientific

      "It's always, 'I will drink your soul' or 'I will chew the flesh from
      your bones' with these hellish apparitions," Whitson said. "When I ask
      them if that means the ancient Etruscans did, in fact, add copper to
      their mixing clay to make their urns more sturdy, they don't even seem
      to hear me."

      Worn down by nearly three decades of peril, Whitson said he plans to
      move off the front lines to become a museum curator or in-office

      "It's unfortunate," Whitson said. "Nothing quite compares to being out
      in the field on an actual dig. But the reality is, I'm really starting
      to hate almost getting killed all the time."

      source - theonion.com
      (I should have waited until next April 1 to post this...)
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