X-Statix #9 All New, All Different
- X-Statix #9 "All New, All Different"
X-STATIX: Dedicated towards making money and becoming the world's
most popular mutants, X-Statix was founded after the Onslaught
affair and recently received a huge jump in fame following Devil's
Night. They are: The Orphan (Guy Smith) - Super-sensitive leader of
X-Statix! U-Go Girl (Edie Sawyer) - Teleporting, drug addicted
nymphomaniac! Stacy X (Stacy) - Pheromone manipulating ex-
prostitute! Dead Girl (Name Unknown) - Already dead, nothing stops
her almost instantaneous regeneration and sarcasm! Corkscrew (Rob
Shelley) - Sociopathic mutant able to unravel the molecules in his
arms into a set of swirling razor sharp points! The Anarchist (Tike
Alicar) - Tough black man raised by a white family able to project
his sweat as acid! Vivisector (Myles Alfred) - Lycanthropic mutant
with a Harvard degree and a wild party life!
Tike Alicar, the Anarchist of X-Statix fame, set the book he'd been
reading for a few hours now next to him on the bed. The book had
been a gift to him from Myles, who was also a member of X-Statix
named Vivisector. It was called "Thus Spoke Zarathustra," and was a
philosophy piece by Nietzsche. The scope of the book was mind
boggling it took him 10 minutes sometimes to read and then reread
and reread again a single page. It was all well and interesting (if
not a bit fascist, he supposed), but it was hard to swallow in big
Which worked out all fine and dandy for Tike, because TNN was having
a Star Trek: The Next Generation marathon on all day.
Tike reached over to the lamp stand and grabbed the remote. It was a
good life he lived here. Tike knew that despite the overwhelming
popularity of the X-Statix Show, the show wasn't truly reaching
anyone who didn't already have no qualms with mutantkind. And X-
Statix had, since it's dramatic explosion in notoriety following
their rescue of President Kelly during the infamous Devil's Night
escapade awhile back, become the new Marilyn Manson in terms of a
target for the conservatives in the country to attack.
As if to prove this inner monologue of his to be true, Tike switched
the channel to a 24 hour Christian-based "rant-zone" of sorts that
was one of the several thousand stations Freeman's money allowed X-
Statix to watch. Within a few minutes, Tike grinned, having proven
"And GAWD - GAWD don't like it when you look at them muties! GAWD
hates those muties because they are not his children! They are
UNNATURAL! Mutants are the result of the Devil and science comin'
There was a knock on the door.
"Come on in," Tike said, curious who would be up and about at 5
o'clock in the morning. It was The Orphan, X-Statix's leader and
currently the team member least pleased to have Tike around.
"What's on the TV?" Guy asked, nodding at the set.
"Just that Fred Phelps a-hole," Tike said, turning down the volume
to accommodate The Orphan's extremely sensitive hearing.
"Thanks," Guy said.
Tike waited for Guy to explain why he was here. Instead, he just
shifted his weight from one leg to the other while trying to think
of what he wanted to say.
Tike decided to prod him along. "What can I help ya with, team
Guy swallowed. "Tike, I think we need to have a better understanding
between each other."
Tike chuckled. "Yeah, that's a good idea. What kinda understanding
is it you want, exactly?"
Guy took a step forward and looked directly at Tike. It somewhat
unnerved Tike, if only because he'd never seen The Orphan look this
"You need to understand something, specifically," Guy said, not
blinking, "You need to understand that this is my team. I will not
tolerate your attempted to circumvent my leadership. What you pulled
by leading the Phat cover up a few weeks ago was completely out of
Tike scoffed at Guy. "Come on, man. We both know you ain't got the
cajones to take me on. Give me a good reason to listen to you."
In a flash, Guy leapt onto the bed and straddled Tike's chest. With
his super-agility, Guy had Tike's neck locked with one of his arms
and Tike's arms twisted behind him with his other. "Because if you
don't," Guy said, no sign of falter in his voice, "I'll break your
neck. Do we understand each other now?"
Tike struggled to breathe and spat out a barely audible "Yes."
Guy released Tike and jumped back off the bed. "You're lucky I have
incredible hearing, Tike. Next time I might just break your neck
anyways. Now be a good X-Static and do as your told."
Guy then turned around and gracefully walked out the door, closing
it behind him.
On the bed, Tike popped his neck and stretched out. This certainly
makes things more interesting, Tike thought to himself.
From about three hundred meters away, Tiffany Reynolds stared
through her binoculars at Corkscrew, the X-Static, and that sick
depraved monster he was with, R. Kelly. The pair were sitting on the
beach drinking what looked like orange camparis. Reynolds motioned
with her hand for the rest of her crew to proceed slowly through the
bushes they were hiding in.
The five of them got on their hands and knees and crept, completely
stealthily, towards their target. They had no beef with Corkscrew,
but R. Kelly had to die.
Tiffany had the crew huddle around her for a second to lay out the
"Okay, listen closely. Try to avoid Corkscrew. I know a couple of
you watch his show anyways, and you know what he can do. We just
have to get in, get R. Kelly, and get out. Yvette and Claudia, I
want you to stay here in case we need back up. Too many attacking
him at once could jeopardized the entire mission. Julie and I will
be the ones actually making contact we're going to have to grab
him and allow me to use my powers on him. Then he'll know what he's
@#$#@ing with, won't he!"
The entire group whispered their cheers of support for the plan.
Except for one of them, that is.
"Uh, what should I do?"
Tiffany looked at the voice and lowered and shook her head. "You're
not even done become a member, Bill. And you don't even have a code
"But, but, but, but I told you, I'm working on it! These operations
are expensive, for crissake," Bill complained.
"Bill, you don't seem to get it," Tiffany said slowly, "We're the
Uncanny Ex-Men. Not the Uncanny Cross-Dressers, got it? Until you go
beyond just wearing a control top and bra and shaving extra close to
your skin, you'll be a back-up member. You can stay here with Yvette
Tiffany looked to her team to ensure their readiness. "Okay, let's
Julie and Tiffany slinked their pseudo-female bodies through the
grass until they reached the edge of the secluded beach. They were
close enough to be able to throw a rock at R. Kelly if they wanted
Tiffany looked over to Julie. Julie took a deep breath and signaled
she was ready by nodding slightly. Tiffany returned the nod. In a
second, the two of them were dashing across the sand towards their
Julie dove at R. Kelly and knocked him face forward into the sand,
struggling to keep him pinned down. He tried hitting her by swinging
his elbows back, but she was positioned well enough on his back to
avoid the blows.
Corkscrew stood up and stumbled backwards quickly. "Hey! That's my
[Le Café Expensiv]
Edie took a long sip of her drink and then set it back on the table
elegantly. Across from her, her date, Angelo Espinosa, marveled at
the restaurant they were sitting in. During his time with Generation
X and The Guard as Skin, Angelo had seen the sort of stuff that
would blow most people away but this restaurant was another first
for Angelo. It was, by far, the most luxurious place he'd ever been.
Edie placed her chin in her hand and gazed longingly into Angelo's
eyes. "So, Angelo. Tell me all about all those exciting adventurers
you've been on."
Angelo blushed a bit and chuckled. "I don't think I can compete with
the things I've seen X-Statix do on the TV, senorita."
Edie's face was covered with a look of fake modesty. "Oh, hush. I'm
sure you've done all sorts of interesting super-hero type things.
Tell me this at least have you ever been in a battle along side
Angelo grew a bit suspicious of the question but answered, "Si. He's
a ferocious one in battle, I can tell you that much."
"Oooooo," Edie said as she giggled and put her hand over her
mouth. "I've always had a thing for Wolverine."
"Uh, yeah, okay," Angelo said. He picked at his salad with a fork
made of real silver. He thought briefly of pocketing a few forks and
knives, but his better judgement got hold of him.
Edie stopped a passing waiter. "Sir? Another bottle of your best
champagne for my friend and me."
The waiter bowed graciously and slightly nervously. "Right away, Ms.
Sawyer. Compliments of the restaurant." He then scurried off.
"Do you get, like, all the stuff you want for free? Anywhere" Angelo
asked, impressed by the ease Edie was able to get the champagne with.
Edie shrugged. "Usually," she paused, and took a bite of her salad
before continuing, "but I can pay for what I'm not given. High risk,
high rewards, kid."
The waiter brought the bottle to the table and set it in front of
them without opening it, at Edie's request. It turned out she had
plans for the rest of the evening.
Edie reached across underneath the table and grabbed Angelo's
thigh. "Why don't we go back to my place and see just how stretchy
you really are?"
Corkscrew would have risen up off of the sand to protect his friend
R. Kelly from the attacking transgendered men called the Ex-Men if
it hadn't been for the dark in his neck. His muscles were sluggish
and flaccid, just leaving his body enough power to breathe on its
The leader of the Ex-Men, Tiffany Reynolds, was dragging R. Kelly's
unconscious body away from the shore as her cohorts, Yvette and
Claudia, kicked him in the ribs and groin. In the bushes at the
edges of the sand, hid Bill, the only member who hadn't completed
the gender change surgery yet.
Tiffany dropped R. Kelly for a moment and turned back to Corkscrew.
She yelled over at him over the night winds that were blowing around
the water now, "Remember, if you come looking for this creep, we'll
have to hurt you. Stay away, and everything'll be fine. If you
understand, cough once."
Corkscrew coughed once.
Tiffany shouted back, "Good. Farewell then, X-Static. Let's hope we
never meet again."
The Ex-Men hauled R. Kelly's body into a van parked up the beach and
drove off into the night.
[A few hours later, X-Statix Compound]
"Has either of you two seen Edie?" Guy asked Dead Girl and Stacy X,
who were watching TV.
Dead Girl ignored Guy and kept watching Court TV, while Stacy turned
around and shook her head. "Not since earlier today. She said she
had some sort of date tonight."
Guy was hurt. Though both of them had admitted to each other that
they didn't love one another, it still bothered him that she was out
dating other men. This, along with the whole situation with Tike,
was making for a really bad day.
"Okay, thanks. I'll be in the gym if anyone needs me," Guy said,
slowly walking off.
Dead Girl and Stacy waited for Guy to get quite far away before
talking again, since his super-senses would have no doubt heard them
if they had spoken earlier.
"I don't know which is more pathetic, Guy or Edie," Dead Girl said,
muting the TV for a second.
"I know, it's so sad. Not sad in the `we should do something for
them' way, but sad in the `could this get any lamer' way," Stacy
said, laughing a little bit.
"Ever since Guy had his mind taken over by that ancient warlord,
nothing's been the same for him and Edie, you know?" Dead Girl asked.
Stacy paused. "What the hell are you talking about? Ancient warlord?
Mind control? That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."
Dead Girl laughed and realized her mistake. "You're right, I'm
sorry. I was just looking for an excuse to mess around with their
firmly established relationship. I think I got the idea from 90210."
Stacy started unwrapping a candy bar. "That was such a great show,"
she said, taking a bite.
At that moment, Corkscrew stumbled into the room. With slurred
speech, he mumbled loudly to them, "Yuuu guysh! R. Kelly'sh been
TO BE CONTINUED!