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Re: [ACWDYG ] Freakin out

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  • Michael traster
    Your second sentence holds your answer.   As a child, when you were relatively small and you had less ability to effect things, you had a family tragedy.  
    Message 1 of 6 , Sep 25, 2010
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      Your second sentence holds your answer.
       
      As a child, when you were relatively small and you had less ability to effect things, you had a family tragedy.
       
      Your dad having ALS was a terrible thing for each of you to endure. This type of thing is overwhelming, and keeps a family from having regular days much if not most of the time.
       
      Kids are especially sensitized to things seeming "unfair", and surely such an illness hitsus in outrageous ways.
       
      The things that we tell ourselves about a situation may be true, and yet, repeating such truths to ourselves may be the key to our future weaknesses.
       
      A child lives in a home where there is no communication. They begin to give up and tell themselves AND OTHERS that "it's not worth it". It's hard to learn to transcend the little reality in the home BECAUSE we fear that it won't work, and WE AVOID FRUSTRATION AND THE FEELING OF HUMILIATION.
       
      WE MAKE OUR FEELINGS INTO THE SUM TOTAL OF WHAT WE NAME TO BE REALITY.
       
      So it is even with the horror of ALS.
       
      As we grow larger and more sophisticated, no matter who we ae, some of the truths we told ourselves when we were little, remain on High Volume, and Frequent Repetition.
       
      Since the 4,6, 8, and 10 year old person we were ... is always a part of the whole of our psyche, it "speaks" to us. We retain it and replay it's identity, til it is on automatic and constant play.
       
      We are each also 18, 20, 28, 37, 50, 60, etc.... And through the passage of time have learned some new things...
       
      It is very possible for the 37 year old to visit with the 8 year old, to "sit by a pond tossing pebble" and muse over the options of how we deal with reality. We can look at new things.
       
      So we can befriend the 8 year old who keeps us company, and show him or her that indeed we are bigger, stronger, more skilled, adults, still imperfect, but grown in many areas.
       
      The 8 year old in our head has kept itself from fully experiencing our growth through 20, 30, 40, etc. This is more frequently and significantly true if they are hiding after some trauma like a car wreck, the death of a sibling, a parent with a terrible illness, etc.
       
      In the conversation between the 8 year old and the growing adult, the adult can love the kid and bring them forward...sharing their successes, and encouraging them.
       
      They can agree that things MAY FEEL scary but that indeed they have grown up. They have
      learned to drive, gotten a diploma, a certificate, a degree,earned paychecks, won and lost at love, owned a vehicle, had their celebrations , and put their tough times behind them more than a few times.
       
      They have perhaps feared TAKING RISKS, but learned to take intelligent ones.
       
      Now the adult within you reminds the child within you that fearful thoughts are normal and universal. Then remind them that we can redirect them to more hopeful thoughts.
       
      It's ok to redirect our thoughts... and if we do, BETTER THOUGHTS GENERATE BETTER
      EMOTIONS AND EMOTIONAL STATES.
       
      To a huge degree, thoughts are the seeds of feelings. It is a fact, and a huge component of what defines our emotional state/s.
       
      Take a walk with this child within you and remind him that he has other options, that indeed he has grown in many ways, and done many things that he feared he would not and could not do.
       
      He may well continue to give you a whole book of "yes buts" and you can remind him that these "yes buts" are not OUT THERE or ABSOLUTES, but nearly always, they are his self created definitions of his relationship to life.
       
      He can change those... can experiment with changing them. Remind him that the negative statements about "reality " that he's practiced have brought him negative outcomes, and not the safety he hoped for... so he is free to practice something new, and experiment with it.
       
      It will not create perfect outcomes, at all times, BUT it will generally improve his life..
       
       
      have the conversation, often. Be the parent, bigger brother, and friend to this kid, who is an integral part of you. Remember we don't thrive on a visit, we thrive on ongoing relationships.
       
      In time the 8 year old will become 9, and then 10, 12, 14, and 20, and you can be greatful to yourself. 
       
       
      Japanese is a tough language, but learning a few words and phrases here and there can only help.
       
      Mike T.

       
      One more thought... You didn't sign your letter to us. Introduce yourself... it makes it easier for people to connect to you, and you to them. Make it a new habit.
       
      999 of the 1000 people we meet, talk to,and  share with, will not become our friends. We won't share much mutual interest with one another. It's not a waste though. It's how one pans for gold
      and finds that 1000th person...that nugget of gold, that friend.
       
      Mike T.



       



      For the past week I have been freaking out. Let me paint a picture, when I was younger I wasn't very social. My dad had als and I was a brat. Later in my early 20s I tried to change. I went to los angeles to pursue film making. Movies were about the only thing my dad and I had in common. After a year in la i went home broke, then my dad passed. I shook off the dirt, headed back to la and stuck it through. And it was very hard but i wouldnt quit. I finally met my wife who i just married this june. We live in japan(where shes from) and both want to return to la but money wont allow it. In fact pack of money is why i couldnt sponsor my own wife to stay in america and thus why we live in japan. The stress of being in this world has been building and building. And here i cant speak to anyone but her. I cant work because of the language barrier so she grinds for both of us. I try and help out in other ways but am feelin rather inadequete. Last week, her dog of
      16 years was killed by a car. That of all things has sent me over the edge. Ever since seeing that gruesome sight and holding tough to clean it up and put on a brave face, i started to get really freaked. I have always been paranoid about death and often worried about it, but today i have convinced myself i have multiple types of cancer, a heart condition, kidney failure, and brain hemorhages. I also had a spider bite yesterday and spent the day scared of losing my hand. It was of course nothing and today it is gone. Regardless, im not able to eat , sleep or function. And I cant explain it to anyone because of th









      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
    • Susan Hosken
      I don¹t know your name but was really affected by your email. Strange that I read it as I usually don¹t read long emails. I have mental illness so know very,
      Message 2 of 6 , Sep 25, 2010
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        I don¹t know your name but was really affected by your email. Strange that I
        read it as I usually don¹t read long emails. I have mental illness so know
        very, very well how thoughts like yours can get out of hand.
        You are doing much better than you think as you reached out here and also
        realised the spider bite passed and everything was OK. Now you have to do
        the same with all your other ideas that are out of control. You need to
        challenge them like you did with the spider bite. If you had multiple
        cancers you would be a very ill man and if you had kidney failure you would
        have been dead. There must be an english speaking doctor around that can
        give you a check up to show you you are fine and then it is up to you to
        challenge yourself.
        I could also speak to my psychiatrist and ask if there is any help for you
        in Japan. There may be online help. Email me privately if you need more
        help.
        Remember to give your mind some good things to focus on that you are
        interested in....cross words, DVDs, reading, walking, etc
        Regards from susan in australia





        >
        >
        >
        >
        >
        > For the past week I have been freaking out. Let me paint a picture, when I was
        > younger I wasn't very social. My dad had als and I was a brat. Later in my
        > early 20s I tried to change. I went to los angeles to pursue film making.
        > Movies were about the only thing my dad and I had in common. After a year in
        > la i went home broke, then my dad passed. I shook off the dirt, headed back to
        > la and stuck it through. And it was very hard but i wouldnt quit. I finally
        > met my wife who i just married this june. We live in japan(where shes from)
        > and both want to return to la but money wont allow it. In fact pack of money
        > is why i couldnt sponsor my own wife to stay in america and thus why we live
        > in japan. The stress of being in this world has been building and building.
        > And here i cant speak to anyone but her. I cant work because of the language
        > barrier so she grinds for both of us. I try and help out in other ways but am
        > feelin rather inadequete. Last week, her dog of 16 years was killed by a car.
        > That of all things has sent me over the edge. Ever since seeing that gruesome
        > sight and holding tough to clean it up and put on a brave face, i started to
        > get really freaked. I have always been paranoid about death and often worried
        > about it, but today i have convinced myself i have multiple types of cancer, a
        > heart condition, kidney failure, and brain hemorhages. I also had a spider
        > bite yesterday and spent the day scared of losing my hand. It was of course
        > nothing and today it is gone. Regardless, im not able to eat , sleep or
        > function. And I cant explain it to anyone because of the language. I told my
        > wife but that made it worse because she over reacts which in turn panics me
        > more. Since i dont have access to an englsh speaking thearpist, can anyone
        > help me calm down?
        >
        >
        >
        >
        >



        [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
      • Michael traster
        speak with the American consulate and ask them for some help/resources     call several universities in the area to see if there are some English speaking
        Message 3 of 6 , Oct 1, 2010
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          speak with the American consulate and ask them for some help/resources
           
           
          call several universities in the area to see if there are some English speaking profs who might help you get assistance
           
           
          speak with someone at a US military base and see if they might help.
           
           
          contact US churches to see who might have folks working in Japan
           
           
          think this through and see what other solutions you come up with
           
           
           
          GOOGLE IT...
           
          COMBINE TERMS WHEN GOOGLING...
           
          ENGLISH SPEAKING    + JAPAN +?/?????




          [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
        • Michael traster
          This past week, a young man committed suicide on the east coast.   My heart goes out to him, his family, and friends...   My prayers go out to them. Surely
          Message 4 of 6 , Oct 4, 2010
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            This past week, a young man committed suicide on the east coast.
             
            My heart goes out to him, his family, and friends...
             
            My prayers go out to them. Surely such healing is a slow road, but it does happen.
             
            The news stories said that he was a young college student, a gifted musician, and a
            homosexual. The story went on to say that his room mate had secretly web cammed  him
            with another young man and played the video over the net.
             
            Leaving the issue of homosexuality out of this particular conversation, I see several other
            issues at hand.
             
            One is that he was manipulated or bullied and shamed by having his intimate personal life
            made a joke of on the computer media. It was a mean and stupid violation of his privacy..
             
            1.That is one issue.... A VIOLATION OF AN INDIVIDUALS PRIVACY.
             
            Still, there is the issue of intent. Very very few people would want their antics to become a
            component of a suicide. They may wish to cause humiliation, and laugh at another's expense, but would be horrified at the idea of the person taking their own life.
            1a. While the act is mean spirited and wrong, there is no intent for that person to harm or kill themselves most of the time..
             
            Again, leaving the issue of homosexuality out of this discussion on this day, what is the next
            major issue? He was targeted to be humiliated by one or more others.
             
            2. That is the second issue .THIS PERSON WAS TARGETED FOR HUMILIATION.
             
             Group behavior is different than individual behavior. We often see it. An individual seems to
            be "ok" or trustworthy, and then when they get with their "group" whether it be religious, racial,
            national identity, military branch, stupidity and agression become the rule.
             
            3. Group behavior is generally far more destructive and individuals OFTEN behave far more
            destructively in the group they relate to then when they are on their own. It is an ongoing rite of
            passage for group acceptance, admiration, and position on the heirarchy.
             
              The young man may have been depressed and covered it very well.
             
            4.It is unlikely that a person who is actually doing well within themselves will turn to suicide over a significant humiliation. If they have good coping tools, they will become angry, feel ashamed,
            seek some sort of justice or revenge within sane and lawful limits, or seek justice through the legal system.
             
            Bullying is and has been a common behavior for a long time.
             
            5. In the same way that we train kids to not drown.. in deep or rough water, we need to train kids
            to not focus in on bullying/shaming behaviors . The explanation that other people's opinions, words and noise do not, can not, and never will define us is PARAMOUNT TO TEACH OUR KIDS.  
               BEYOND THAT, EMOTIONAL DROWN PROOFING OUR KIDS REQUIRES ONGOING REPETITION FOR YEARS.  
             
            If we think about our lives, most of us have known one or more people who have taken their own lives.
            I remember a class mate years ago who SEEMED FINE..  ran the car in the garage and just went to sleep. He was a fine musician, and well liked. Clearly other things were happening.
             
            Years later my cousins x wife also took her life. It was a terrible sad shock. She was very well
            liked and one of the factors that took her down was that SHE NEVER REALIZED HOW MUCH PEOPLE LIKED HER. Stress factors like a sad divorce, a kid with major psych problems,
            and a sense of isolation left her FEELING hopeless.
             
            We have been trained to be "nice", to be "polite", to "mind our own business", etc etc etc.
             
            While we do not have the POWER TO STOP A DISASTER, we do have certain powers.
             

            we have the power to ACTIVELY CARE. to not just "feeeeel " caring but to act in a caring manner.
            we have the power to let someone know that we like them AND VALUE THEM
            we have the power to do this with meaningful words and actions
            we have the power to INCLUDE PEOPLE... EVEN IF THEY ARE "different"
            we have the power to ASK... THE QUESTION... "GEE YOU SEEM QUIET... OR WITHDRAWN, OR I NOTICE YOU'RE GIVING A LOT YOUR STUFF AWAY... OR  YOU ARE SAYING A LOT OF NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT LIFE LATELY...  SO   TELL ME HONESTLY WHAT'S GOING ON.. AND HOW CAN i HELP?
            we have the power to carefully ask..."are you thinking about self harm" if they are implying or otherwise indicating a wish to be "gone"
            we have the power to clearly, firmly, and always say that  " SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER!"
            We have the power to always be available to those for whom we care .. 24 /7, no matter what..
                      
             
            THREE WORDS:    FEEL ....FELT ....FOUND.... can be very powerful if spoken with honesty and  caring...
             
            feel... I think I may understand how you're feeling...
            felt..I've had similar experiences, and felt those same types of feelings
            found... Here's what happend to me... and what I found helpful to get me through it...
             
            these things  only work if we speak them honestly from the heart as an equal.
             
            Now just to make sure no one misreads this. We can't control another's ultimate
            choices but we can try damned hard to help... without being intrusive , we can act in a caring way, connect with them, be real with them , let them know that they are valued, and STILL RESPECT THEIR PRIVACY.
             
            "i like you and that is why I'm concerned about what you are doing"
             
            "bad times fade...slowly but surely... but sometimes it doesn't feel as though they will.
             
            Self defense is a reality. Someone who is on major drugs or TOTALLY OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY AND IN UTOPIAN PSYCHOTIC PSEUDO BLISS may babble on with obscene stupidity about making the world "nice".
             
            Good to work at it one person at a time meaningfully. Meanwhile, the human race remains both good and not so good,  bad, and down right evil. It has components of good,and evil in it and always will... Utopian psychotic pseudo bliss or not.
             
            "drown proofing" our selves, our friends, family, kids, etc is vital... vital.... vital.
             
            someone tries to hit you with words... you don't help them to trash you. You THINK...  that they are mean or stupid or both. You don't let them define you.
             
            If you find yourself "down" or "lonely" or "isolated" from other's damaging words or actions.. observe how you are speaking to yourself. Give yourself permission to learn to speak more constructively to yourself... it takes lots of practice, and that is 100% normal, and truly ok.
             
            someone tries to wrap a pipe around your head, you don't stand there like a dummy. You ACT.
            You learn to use your energy of fear to move in, step aside, run, poke them in the eye, smash their nose, take the pipe from them, use an instrument of self defense, ACT TO PRESERVE YOURSELF...
             
            If we teach our kids friends, family, selves to be "nice" "passive" we are simply helping to make one more victim. 
             
            We can do better than that, and we have to do better than that.
             
            Mike T.
             




            [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
          • rocketgiirl
            Mike T., I have just joined this group today and your post instantly stood out to me because I have recently read about this terrible suicide. (The college is
            Message 5 of 6 , Oct 5, 2010
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              Mike T.,

              I have just joined this group today and your post instantly stood out to me because I have recently read about this terrible suicide. (The college is right near my home.) I really enjoyed reading your post and the things you have written here, they are very true words and it is nice to see someone speaking them. One thing that really stood out to me in your post was where you said, "these things only work if we speak them honestly from the heart as an equal." I am currently an undergrad majoring in behavioral health care and this really applies to my future profession whether it be as a counselor or therapist (and even just as a person). The ability to really show empathy, and relate to an individual on a deeper level is important. You can say "I know how you feel, tell me more" but if you cannot truly express why you know how the person feels, it does not matter, it's just words. In order for someone to open up about his or her feelings, they need to feel comfortable with the other person and feel that they can trust them and their words. I am currently taking a group counseling course and studying the dynamics of a group and how to lead a group, and all of what you are saying here is true. It is easier to trust someone when you are alone with them, but when you enter a group it is far more intimidationg. There can be sub-groups like cliques where others will be far less than kind, and this is a prime example of that. The young man who took his life probably felt he could trust his roommate whom he had been living with for weeks now, and he goes and invades his privacy to the extreme. I truly wonder what the boy's intentions were when he was recording and streaming the sexual act. This was his roommate, someone who he would have still been living with for the rest of the school year had he not taken his own life. What would have happened then? Did the boy know that his actions would result in such a tragic ending? Human behavior like this is one thing I truly wish to understand better.

              - Regina C.

              --- In achangewilldoyougood@yahoogroups.com, Michael traster <michaelpault@...> wrote:
              >
              >
              > This past week, a young man committed suicide on the east coast.
              >  
              > My heart goes out to him, his family, and friends...
              >  
              > My prayers go out to them. Surely such healing is a slow road, but it does happen.
              >  
              > The news stories said that he was a young college student, a gifted musician, and a
              > homosexual. The story went on to say that his room mate had secretly web cammed  him
              > with another young man and played the video over the net.
              >  
              > Leaving the issue of homosexuality out of this particular conversation, I see several other
              > issues at hand.
              >  
              > One is that he was manipulated or bullied and shamed by having his intimate personal life
              > made a joke of on the computer media. It was a mean and stupid violation of his privacy..
              >  
              > 1.That is one issue.... A VIOLATION OF AN INDIVIDUALS PRIVACY.
              >  
              > Still, there is the issue of intent. Very very few people would want their antics to become a
              > component of a suicide. They may wish to cause humiliation, and laugh at another's expense, but would be horrified at the idea of the person taking their own life.
              > 1a. While the act is mean spirited and wrong, there is no intent for that person to harm or kill themselves most of the time..
              >  
              > Again, leaving the issue of homosexuality out of this discussion on this day, what is the next
              > major issue? He was targeted to be humiliated by one or more others.
              >  
              > 2. That is the second issue .THIS PERSON WAS TARGETED FOR HUMILIATION.
              >  
              >  Group behavior is different than individual behavior. We often see it. An individual seems to
              > be "ok" or trustworthy, and then when they get with their "group" whether it be religious, racial,
              > national identity, military branch, stupidity and agression become the rule.
              >  
              > 3. Group behavior is generally far more destructive and individuals OFTEN behave far more
              > destructively in the group they relate to then when they are on their own. It is an ongoing rite of
              > passage for group acceptance, admiration, and position on the heirarchy.
              >  
              >   The young man may have been depressed and covered it very well.
              >  
              > 4.It is unlikely that a person who is actually doing well within themselves will turn to suicide over a significant humiliation. If they have good coping tools, they will become angry, feel ashamed,
              > seek some sort of justice or revenge within sane and lawful limits, or seek justice through the legal system.
              >  
              > Bullying is and has been a common behavior for a long time.
              >  
              > 5. In the same way that we train kids to not drown.. in deep or rough water, we need to train kids
              > to not focus in on bullying/shaming behaviors . The explanation that other people's opinions, words and noise do not, can not, and never will define us is PARAMOUNT TO TEACH OUR KIDS.  
              >    BEYOND THAT, EMOTIONAL DROWN PROOFING OUR KIDS REQUIRES ONGOING REPETITION FOR YEARS.  
              >  
              > If we think about our lives, most of us have known one or more people who have taken their own lives.
              > I remember a class mate years ago who SEEMED FINE..  ran the car in the garage and just went to sleep. He was a fine musician, and well liked. Clearly other things were happening.
              >  
              > Years later my cousins x wife also took her life. It was a terrible sad shock. She was very well
              > liked and one of the factors that took her down was that SHE NEVER REALIZED HOW MUCH PEOPLE LIKED HER. Stress factors like a sad divorce, a kid with major psych problems,
              > and a sense of isolation left her FEELING hopeless.
              >  
              > We have been trained to be "nice", to be "polite", to "mind our own business", etc etc etc.
              >  
              > While we do not have the POWER TO STOP A DISASTER, we do have certain powers.
              >  
              >
              > we have the power to ACTIVELY CARE. to not just "feeeeel " caring but to act in a caring manner.
              > we have the power to let someone know that we like them AND VALUE THEM
              > we have the power to do this with meaningful words and actions
              > we have the power to INCLUDE PEOPLE... EVEN IF THEY ARE "different"
              > we have the power to ASK... THE QUESTION... "GEE YOU SEEM QUIET... OR WITHDRAWN, OR I NOTICE YOU'RE GIVING A LOT YOUR STUFF AWAY... OR  YOU ARE SAYING A LOT OF NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT LIFE LATELY...  SO   TELL ME HONESTLY WHAT'S GOING ON.. AND HOW CAN i HELP?
              > we have the power to carefully ask..."are you thinking about self harm" if they are implying or otherwise indicating a wish to be "gone"
              > we have the power to clearly, firmly, and always say that  " SUICIDE IS NEVER THE ANSWER!"
              > We have the power to always be available to those for whom we care .. 24 /7, no matter what..
              >           
              >  
              > THREE WORDS:    FEEL ....FELT ....FOUND.... can be very powerful if spoken with honesty and  caring...
              >  
              > feel... I think I may understand how you're feeling...
              > felt..I've had similar experiences, and felt those same types of feelings
              > found... Here's what happend to me... and what I found helpful to get me through it...
              >  
              > these things  only work if we speak them honestly from the heart as an equal.
              >  
              > Now just to make sure no one misreads this. We can't control another's ultimate
              > choices but we can try damned hard to help... without being intrusive , we can act in a caring way, connect with them, be real with them , let them know that they are valued, and STILL RESPECT THEIR PRIVACY.
              >  
              > "i like you and that is why I'm concerned about what you are doing"
              >  
              > "bad times fade...slowly but surely... but sometimes it doesn't feel as though they will.
              >  
              > Self defense is a reality. Someone who is on major drugs or TOTALLY OUT OF TOUCH WITH REALITY AND IN UTOPIAN PSYCHOTIC PSEUDO BLISS may babble on with obscene stupidity about making the world "nice".
              >  
              > Good to work at it one person at a time meaningfully. Meanwhile, the human race remains both good and not so good,  bad, and down right evil. It has components of good,and evil in it and always will... Utopian psychotic pseudo bliss or not.
              >  
              > "drown proofing" our selves, our friends, family, kids, etc is vital... vital.... vital.
              >  
              > someone tries to hit you with words... you don't help them to trash you. You THINK...  that they are mean or stupid or both. You don't let them define you.
              >  
              > If you find yourself "down" or "lonely" or "isolated" from other's damaging words or actions.. observe how you are speaking to yourself. Give yourself permission to learn to speak more constructively to yourself... it takes lots of practice, and that is 100% normal, and truly ok.
              >  
              > someone tries to wrap a pipe around your head, you don't stand there like a dummy. You ACT.
              > You learn to use your energy of fear to move in, step aside, run, poke them in the eye, smash their nose, take the pipe from them, use an instrument of self defense, ACT TO PRESERVE YOURSELF...
              >  
              > If we teach our kids friends, family, selves to be "nice" "passive" we are simply helping to make one more victim. 
              >  
              > We can do better than that, and we have to do better than that.
              >  
              > Mike T.
              >  
              >
              >
              >
              >
              > [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
              >
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