Retro News letter July 8th 2005 - July 12th 2005

Seems to me that I've always had that itch
And I'll be forever looking down that road
Especially when life's being such a bitch
Want to travel so bad i'm about to implode

Need to discover what's 'round that corner
What surprises are there waiting for me
Views along that road tempt one to linger
But I'm not stoppin' an that's a guarantee

Cuz there's way too many places to go
An Kings and paupers to meet and greet
Be wined, dined, warmed by a fires glow
To laugh contagiously without any conceit

Allow a tear to show if sadness be near
But face all challenges with anticipation
Cause they bring adventure and not fear
Life on-the-road is filled with exhileration

Trying to sate my unquenchable curiosity
And maybe fulfill that never ending quest
Infiltrate hearts, an minds sans animosity
To gather many friends from east to west

If we could assemble in one great place
To meet the facinating people out there
An have time to savor one sweet embrace
We could make this world easier to share

An as we travel this aimless twisting road
Towards our legacy the future generation
Our spirit of discovery will carry the load
Tho the route seems without a direction

Our indomitable heritage will find the way
We're all hobo's at heart right from birth
Ancesters instilled the desire on that day
They gathered all that they were worth

And struck out for the unknown alone
Climbed aboard ship, or prairie
schooner Maybe with just a horse, a dog an a bone
But they were coming, one way or another

And get here they did, our ancesters all
Fightin' an scrappin' til molded into one
The white, black, yellow, thin, short an tall
An don't forget our brave proud native son

So let us on this years July 4th celebration
Salute all who's fortitude opened the door
To discover and forge this great nation
They who heeded a hobo's call to explore
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Instant Millionaire Pie for Diabetics

A tasty cream pie with pineapple and pecans. You can use
fat-free milk and whipped topping to make this dessert
extra low-cal.

Prep Time: approx. 10 Minutes.
Ready in: approx. 2 Hours 10 Minutes.

Makes 1 pie (8 servings).

1 (9 inch) prepared graham cracker crust*
1 (1 ounce) package sugar-free instant vanilla pudding mix
1 cup cold milk
1 (8 ounce) can crushed pineapple, drained
1 (8 ounce) container frozen whipped topping,** thawed
1 cup chopped pecans***
=
Directions
1 In a medium bowl, whisk together pudding mix and milk.
Fold in pineapple, whipped topping, and pecans. DO NOT
OVERMIX !!  Pour mixture into prepared crust. Chill at
least 2 hours before serving.

Variations:  * Since the original recipe_didn't_ call for
any "special" crust.....do be aware that you can me your
own _very_ easily and this way can take advanage of three
(3) more flavors of Graham Crackers.....Chocolate and
Cinnamon, and even a Low Fat one (do compare the labels
against the "standard" graham and see what tradeoffs, if
any, mhave to be made)

**Consider using Lo Cal Cool Whip dairy topping....not
only does it cut the cals....but it ALSO comes in Chocolate,
Strawbery, and Vanila.....just to add a bit of variety to
things any time you decide to make it.

***  Consider substituting _other_ nuts like Walnuts etc.
for a "different" taste to the same basic recipe.
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A man walks into a brothel and approaches a beautiful Oriental
courtesan. "Is it true Asian women have vaginas that run sideways?"
asked the man. "Why?" responded she. "Are you a harmonica player?"
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Have you ever wondered what you're doing here on this Earth?
Not really accomplishing much; just taking up space?  Does it seem
like everybody you know is better than you at just about everything?
Do you try to do something with your life but fail every step of the way?
Don't worry, it's not your fault.

I mean, yes it is.  Face it.  You're just a loser.  Not everybody can
be a winner like me.  Some people are meant to do great things, and
others are meant to salt my fries and keep my burgers piping hot.
Learn to accept this, and your disadvantaged, simple life will be that
much easier to take.  Eventually you will die and your life in this world
can be replaced by somebody much more qualified, but at least you
will die with no regrets because you know that you were incapable
of accomplishing whatever it was you wanted to accomplish in life
in the first place.

Unfortunately, not everybody realizes that they're a loser.
Sometimes it takes somebody with much more intelligence and good
looks, like me, to point this out.  So if you suspect that you're a loser
but are just not sure, it's alright, because I'm going to spell it all out
for you right now.

1. Couldn't make it into college?  Get rejected by just about every
institution except for Podunk University?  Learn to take a hint and
realize that you're not going anywhere.  Stop trying and leave room
in those universities for somebody with real talent.  You're a loser,
and no matter what your parents tell you, you don't deserve the chance
at an education.  Accept the fact that you're going to get a crappy
job and get no respect.  Look on the bright side, though.  If you start
practicing with the mop now, you can be ahead of the curve and get
those choice janitorial positions.

2. Never had sex, and you're over 18 years old?  Most likely it's because
you're ugly, have a tiny dick, or your tits are small.  You were just not
meant to procreate.  This is nature's way of telling you to get out of the
gene pool.  You are destined to live the virgin life and never experience
the joys of sexual pleasure except by your own hand.  Leave the fucking
to winners like me.  Face it.  You're a loser.  Nobody loves you.

3. Are you fat?  No, it's not because you have "the gene."  It's because
you can't help consuming more calories than you burn.  You have neither
self control nor will power.  No, you're not going to lose a hundred pounds
by eating Subway sandwiches.  If you believe that, you're just a bigger
loser for believing whatever marketers spew at you.  Nobody likes a fat
fuck.  People will make fun of you and think you're ugly.  And they'd be
right.  You will never get laid, and you will always smell.  You're a loser,
and that "inner-beauty" garbage is crap and deep down, I think you
already know that.

4. Spouse always going out with "the girls" or "the guys"?  No, your
"soul mate" is out there right now getting a real fucking by people much
more attractive, wealthy, and better in bed than yourself.  I'm surprised
you even made it this far.  However, once a loser, always a loser, and
face it, you're still a loser.  And no, masturbating to porn while s/he's
away is not "getting back."

5. Are you a minority?  Your fate is sealed.  You will face many glass
ceilings and racial prejudice.  You will never experience success equal
to that of the white man.  You might as well kill yourself now, because
guys like me will always be running circles around people like you.
Don't join a cultural-pride support group.  People will only make fun
of you even more.  Your native language is unimportant, and you will
never rise in social class.  Face it, you're a complete loser.

6. Constantly depressed?  It's not the world, it's you.  Consider suicide.
The only known real cure for depression is your brain matter spread
across the wall.  You're a loser.

7. Legally an adult but look and sound like you haven't started puberty?
Definite loser.  Don't give me that "late bloomer" crap.  Something is
definitely wrong with your genetics.  No, your penis is not going to
grow anymore.  You are doomed to look like a 12 year old for the rest
of your fucking life.  I only know of one way to jump start the puberty
cycle.  That's to swallow all the pills in a bottle of Aspirin at once.
Go ahead, try it!
There you have it.  I don't claim this list to be the definitive list
of losers, but it's a damn good start.  If after reading this article
you discover yourself to be a loser, congratulations!  You've won
a free gun with one bullet in the chamber, courtesy of Loogy.com.
Loser.
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Camilla had come to see Dr. Hardy. When the shrink began using sexual
terms, she interrupted, "Wait, what is a phallic symbol?"  "A phallic
symbol," explained Hardy, "represents the phallus."
"What's a phallus?" asked Camilla.  "Well," said the analyst,
"the best way to explain it is to show you." He stood up, unzipped his
fly and took out his pecker.  "This is a phallus."  "Oh," said the
girl. "It's like a prick, only smaller."
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Two young cowhands are out riding the range when they see a young calf with its head stuck in a fence.  One dismounts and tells the other, "I think I'll have myself a little fun."  And with that he drops his pants and mounts the calf from behind.

The other cowhand watches all this from his horse.

When the cowpoke finishes relieving himself with lots of "ooohs and aaaahs" he withdraws and starts to pull up his pants.

The other cowhand climbs down off his mount and says, "That looks like fun, I think I'd like to try that..."  And he drops his drawers, bends over and sticks his head through the fence.
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Q:   Why don't blondes eat bananas?
A:   They can't find the zipper.

Q:   Why don't blondes in San Francisco wear short black mini skirts?
A:   Cause their balls show!

Q:   Why don't blonds breast feed?
A:   Because they always burn their niples.
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The Proper Way to Clean Your Toilet!

 
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash" and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

 

 
Sincerely,
The Dog
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Q:   Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A:   They chip their teeth.

Q:   Why don't blondes eat pickles?
A:   Because they can't get their head in the jar.

Q:   What's the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A1:   Introduces themself.
A2:   Walks home.
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Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.

  My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where she is.

   The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.  

     I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.  

    I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

    I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

    I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

   The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

    If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last but not least:    I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass.

    You could run this over to your friends but why not just e-mail it to them!
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Six  -year-old Brandon  decided one Saturday morning to fix
his parents  pancakes He found a big bowl and  spoon, pulled
a chair to the counter, opened the cupboard and pulled out
the  heavy flour canister, spilling it on the floor.

He scooped some of  the flour into the bowl with his hands,
mixed in most of a cup of milk and added  some sugar,
leaving a floury trail on the floor which by now had a
few tracks  left by his kitten.

Brandon was covered with flour and getting  frustrated He
wanted this to be something very good for Mom and Dad, but
it was  getting very bad.He didn't know what  to do next,
whether to put it all into the oven or on the stove and he
didn't  know how the stove worked!. Suddenly he saw his
kitten licking from the bowl of  mix and reached to push
her away, knocking the egg carton to the floor. 
Frantically he tried to clean up this monumental mess but
slipped on the eggs,  getting his pajamas white and 
sticky.

And just then he saw  Dad standing at the door Big crocodile
tears welled up in Brandon's  eyes. All he'd wanted to do was
something good, but he'd made a terrible mess.  He was sure a
scolding was coming, maybe even a spanking. But his father
just  watched him.

Then, walking  through the mess, he picked up his crying son,
hugged him and loved him, getting  his own pajamas white and
sticky in the  process!

That's how God deals  with us. We try to do something good in
life, but it turns into a mess. Our  marriage gets all sticky
or we insult a friend, or we can't stand our job, or  our
health goes sour.

Sometimes we just  stand there in tears because we can't think
of anything else to do. That's when  God picks us up and loves
us and forgives us, even though some of our mess gets  all over
Him.

But just because we  might mess up, we can't stop trying to
"make pancakes" for God or for others.  Sooner or later we'll
get it right, and then they'll be glad we  tried...

I was thinking. .. and I wondered if I had  any wounds needing
to be healed, friendships that need rekindling or three words 
needing to be said, sometimes, "I love you" can heal & bless!
Remind every  one of your friends that you love them. Even if
you think they don't love back,  you would be amazed at what
those three little words, a smile, and a reminder  like this
can do.

Just in case I  haven't told you lately... I LOVE YA!!!
Please pass some of this love on to  others....suppose one
morning you were called to God; do all your friends know  you
love them?

Send this to  everyone you love, and send it back to the person
who sent it to you. And never  stop "making  pancakes."
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APPLE BRAN MUFFINS

A healthy and delicious snack. These muffins make a great
everyday breakfast or lunchbox treat.

Estimated Times
Preparation Time 15 mins.
Cooking Time 12 mins.
Cooling Time 10 mins.

INGREDIENTS

1  cup all-purpose flour 
1/3  cup packed brown sugar 
2  teaspoons baking powder 
1/2  teaspoon salt 
1/2  teaspoon ground cinnamon 
1/4  teaspoon ground nutmeg 
1  cup (1 medium) peeled, finely chopped tart apple 
3/4  cup water 
1/2  cup CARNATION Instant Nonfat Dry Milk 
1/4  cup vegetable oil 
1  large egg 
2  cups bran flake cereal 

DIRECTIONS

PREHEAT oven to 400° F. Grease or paper-line 12 muffin
cups.

COMBINE flour, sugar, baking powder, salt, cinnamon and
nutmeg in medium bowl. Mix apple, water, dry milk, oil
and egg in small bowl. Add to flour mixture; stir until
moistened. Stir in cereal. Spoon into prepared muffin cups,
filling 2/3 full.

BAKE for 12 to 15 minutes or until wooden pick inserted in
center comes out clean. Remove to wire rack; cool slightly.
Serve warm.

Yields 12 muffins
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Q:   What's a blonde's favourite wine?
A:   "Daaaady, I want to go to Miaaami!"

Q:   If a blonde and a brunette are tossed off a building, who hits 
the ground first?
A:   The brunette. The blonde has to stop to ask for directions.

Q:   What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A:   Her IQ goes up!
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FETTUCCINE TOMATO BASIL SALAD

Here's a dish using Buitoni pasta that's a breeze to
prepare! Serve with crunchy breadsticks and a frosty
glass of Nestea.

Estimated Times
Preparation Time 15 mins.
Cooking Time 5 mins.

INGREDIENTS

1  package (9 oz.) BUITONI Refrigerated Fettuccine 
1  tablespoon olive oil 
1  tablespoon red wine vinegar 
1/4  cup (1 ounce) grated Parmesan cheese 
1  pound fresh tomatoes, chopped
1/4  cup chopped fresh basil or 1 tablespoon dried basil,
crushed 

DIRECTIONS

PREPARE pasta according to package directions.

TOSS pasta with oil, vinegar and cheese; add tomatoes and
basil. Season with salt and ground black pepper.

Serving Size: 4
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