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Re: [spamfic] [utena] SFAE: Episode 42

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  • Shannon J. L.
    Yeah! Thank you, Dreiser-sama! Grabs fic to chest, runs off to read it again... Shane :)
    Message 1 of 15 , Jun 2, 2003
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      Yeah! Thank you, Dreiser-sama! Grabs fic to chest, runs off to read
      it again...

      Shane :)

      --- In Yuricon@yahoogroups.com, "dreiser" <dreiser3@y...> wrote:
      > It's the spamfic that never ends... and to celebrate that
      > fact and the fact that the real life AniLesboCon (huzzah,
      > Yuricon!) is about to arrive I'm posting a new idiotic
      > episode of Scenes From An Elevator daily to celebrate. So
      > sit back, read, and have some fun like the rest of us
      > hopefully will have in a few days.
      > WAKABA: (Rubs her forehead.) Just kill me now.
    • pbarkow@hfx.eastlink.ca
      ... We can but hope.
      Message 2 of 15 , Jun 2, 2003
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        On 2 Jun 2003 at 3:49, dreiser wrote:

        > It's the spamfic that never ends... and to celebrate that

        We can but hope.
      • Shannon Stricof
        Absolutely luv it, especially the quote analysis. -Shannon Ami dreiser wrote: It s the spamfic that never ends... and to celebrate that
        Message 3 of 15 , Jun 2, 2003
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          Absolutely luv it, especially the quote analysis.
           
          -Shannon Ami

          dreiser <dreiser3@...> wrote:
          It's the spamfic that never ends... and to celebrate that
          fact and the fact that the real life AniLesboCon (huzzah,
          Yuricon!) is about to arrive I'm posting a new idiotic
          episode of Scenes From An Elevator daily to celebrate. So
          sit back, read, and have some fun like the rest of us
          hopefully will have in a few days.


          Scenes From An Elevator:
          An Idiotic Utena Spamfic

          By: Dreiser

          EPISODE FORTY TWO: T-Minus 13...

          SCENE: A nondescript broken elevator at Ohtori Academy
          where the shadows of the AniLesboCon security team are
          seen sitting inside of it. Several gun shots ring out in
          the early morning air, waking Lucrezia Noin up with a
          start. The Sunlit  Garden no longer plays faintly in
          the background.

          NOIN: (Flies forward. Blinks her eyes grumpily.) Wut
          th' hell is goin' on? I didn't ask for any Elevator wake
          up calls.

          MIREILLE: (Smiles prettily at Noin.) So sorry. We were
          just going through our early morning routine of
          shooting anything that moves and looks remotely like a
          threat to my status as most attractive assassin. (A
          shot fires off and Mireille whirls around just in time
          to see Kirika's gun smoking and a figure flopping down
          in the distance. Mireille squeals with excitement and
          claps her hands happily.) Perfect shot, kitten, as
          always! (She hugs Kirika to her breasts, seeming quite
          unaware of the practically nonexistent but still smug
          smile Kirika wears.) You're such a good little
          assassin, aren't you? Yes you are!

          NOIN: (Blinks dumbly. Looks mildly disgusted.) You two
          have quite the Oedipal/Electra combined complex thing
          going on, don't you?

          MIREILLE: (Scowls at Noin.) I'm French, not Greek.

          JURI: (Shouts from the distance.) Noooo! For the love
          of god, nooo!

          MIREILLE: (Looks around for Juri.) Who was that
          disturbed sounding person? They had an insulting tone
          in their voice when speaking to me.

          KIRIKA: (Flips, tosses, catches, and finally fancily
          shoots her gun in the general direction of the French
          Le Ramada Inn where AniLesboCon is being held.) Uhn!

          JURI: (Very freaked out.) Augh! Stop your shooting,
          crazy French people!

          KIRIKA: (Nonexistently squints. Says forcefully.) UHN!

          JURI: (Still slightly freaked out.) Okay, okay! Only
          one of you is French, the other is Japanese. I
          apologize, I don't care, just stop all of your crazy
          shooting! We've lost twenty guests already!

          MIREILLE: (Sniffs.) Too late for lamenting appeals
          of the weakling masses. I don't think I want to be
          involved with an organization that insults the French.
          Come, kitten, lets leave this dismal place and go in
          search of slinky outfits that will accentuate my curvy
          figure as to make me look even more like a cradle robber.

          KIRIKA: (Nods solemnly. She starts to go after Mireille
          who has already done a series of complex leaps and flips
          before exiting the Elevator but stops to stare at Noin
          hard. Kirika forms a small frown.) Uhn.

          NOIN: (Scowls at Kirika.) Who are you uhn'ing at? 

          (Kirika forms an almost nonexistent evil smile then
          does several fancy flips out of the Elevator. As she
          descendants to the ground she fires off two bullets,
          both of which hit the large cable which has the sole
          responsibility of holding the Elevator up. She lands
          soundlessly next to Mireille who is looking
          impatiently at her watch.)

          MIREILLE: (Slightly annoyed.) Kitten, that took five
          seconds. What have I told you? I'm a three second exit
          girl.

          KIRIKA: (Tugs on Mireille's sleeve and points up at
          the Elevator.) Uhn.

          MIREILLE: (Sighs heavily and looks up.) What is it
          now? (Her eyes widen when she hears the slight snap of
          the cables. She turns to face Kirika, wearing an
          expression of disbelief.) Did you just shoot that
          cable so it would slowly fray and fall apart, making
          them all plummet to a very bloody and inevitable doom?

          KIRIKA: (Looks nonexistently worried.) Uhn...?

          MIREILLE: (Squeals happily and hugs Kirika to her
          breasts.) Oh, kitten, thank you! You really are the
          best prepubescent girlfriend ever!

          NOIN: (Shouts from the Elevator.) I hope someone
          arrests you before you start scoping out the
          kindergartens next, you French Michael Jackson!

          MIREILLE: (Frostily glares up at the Elevator.)
          Kitten...

          KIRIKA: (Goes ultra squinty and nods. She pulls out
          her gun calmly and shoots of a bullet which ricochets
          in the Elevator causing a good deal of chaos for the
          people in there.) Uhn.

          MIREILLE: (Smiles happily at Kirika and winds her arm
          through hers.) Thank you, that was ever so helpful!
          Now what to do... (Her eyes grow lidded with thought.
          She suddenly hops up and down, making her breasts
          bounce and Kirika stare at them more than usual.) I
          know! Shopping!

          KIRIKA: (Nonexistently pleads for mercy.) Uhn.

          MIREILLE: (Teases.) That's what you always say.

          SCENE: An obscure and well hidden room in the French
          Le Ramada Inn. Arisugawa Tenoh Ai is recovering her
          breath but beaming happily at the kidnapped object of
          her affection, quite unaware of the chaos she's
          created with her disappearance. The Sunlit Garden no
          longer plays faintly in the background.

          AI: (Beams super happily.) We're finally alone!

          CHLOE: (Narrows already squinty eyes.) You aren't Kirika.

          AI: (Shakes her head and smiles.) No, not at all! I'm
          Arisugawa Tenoh Ai, the only scientifically created test
          tube love child of Arisugawa Juri and Tenoh Haruka. I'm
          living proof of the combined genetic coolness of anime
          lesbians everywhere!

          CHLOE: (Squints more and looks around.) Where have you
          taken me? (She looks swiftly back at Ai.) Do you work
          for the Soldats?

          AI: (Blinks.) The who? (Tilts her head to one side.)
          I heard you talking backstage... well, I heard you
          threatening a guest of the convention and I before I
          knew it, here we are!

          CHLOE: (Stares at Ai.) That makes no sense.

          AI: (Blushes bright red.) I'm sorry, but you have a
          really pretty voice. When I heard it I just had to have
          it and you all to myself. I hope you don't mind.

          CHLOE: (Squints way more, so her eyes are little
          slits.) What did you just say?

          AI: (Claps her hands and beams.) See? It even sounds
          pretty now when you're being threatening! I've never
          heard such a pretty voice before. (Leans in closer to
          Chloe.) Would you sing a song for me? I just know that
          you must sing wonderfully.

          CHLOE: (Moves away and looks disturbed at the idea of
          singing for anyone.) I don't sing, I kill things. In fact,
          I'm looking for Kirika so I can seek my revenge for what
          happened to me in our series canon. (Her eyes get ultra squinty
          and out of the depths of her green cloak that makes her look
          somewhat homeless she produces her horrifying weapon.) All
          while using this, my horrifying weapon! Viva revenge!

          AI: (Stares curiously at Chloe's chosen horrifying
          weapon.) Isn't that a spoon?

          CHLOE: (Whirls around to stare at Ai, squinting
          mightily.) Yes... and?

          AI: (Still staring at Chloe's horrifying weapon a bit
          perplexed.) And it's a pink plastic spoon?

          CHLOE: (Grits her teeth.) So...?

          AI: (Continues to stare at Chloe's horrifying weapon and
          her face is one of complete confusion now.) Your horrifying
          weapon is a pink plastic spoon from Baskin Robbins.

          CHLOE: (Purple faced expression of rage. Twitching
          severely.) Your point being?

          AI: (Stares at Chloe blank faced.) It seems like an
          ineffective horrifying weapon, that's all.

          CHLOE: (Thrusts the pink spoon in Ai's face.) Do you
          want me to use this on you?! (She gets up close and personal,
          right in Ai's face.) Well?! Do you?!

          AI: (Tilts her head and smiles.) No, but I'd really like to
          put my tongue where that spoon was.

          CHLOE: (Turns as red as a tomato as she realizes exactly
          what this means. She stammers nervously.) Okay...

          AI: (Somewhat evil glint in her eyes.) Excellent.

          SCENE: Some wall in Ohtori Academy during an unusually
          timely and frequent sunset. The figures of the Shadow
          Play Girls A-ko, B-ko, and C-ko are seen. The Sunlit
          Garden no longer plays faintly in the background.

          B-KO: (Grumbles and folds her arms over her chest.)
          Took you long enough. And what the hell is with the
          stupid episode name anyway?

          A-KO: (Wisely.) I think the Author is counting down
          the days until the real Yuricon. Supposedly she's
          doing an episode a day until the real event happens.

          B-KO: (Snorts and laughs.) If I was her I wouldn't count
          the days until people attack her in person for not finishing
          fics that should've been completed eons ago.

          A-KO: (Shakes her head.) As if anyone cares enough
          about her to do that.

          B-KO: (Muses.) True... (She looks over at C-ko who has
          remained silent and strangely enough, reading a paper
          during this.) Hey, scab! What're you doing? We have fic
          time here. Don't waste it by pretending you can read.

          C-KO: (Sniffs.) Shows what you know, I CAN read. And
          at a fifth grade level! Anyway, that doesn't matter
          now, look at this! (She thrusts the paper at them.)
          See what it says here? Touga-sempai somehow escaped
          from Miki the Hut's clutches and he's coming back to
          rule the Ohtori Student Council again! What changes
          will this bring?

          A-KO: (Stares at the paper.) The only thing I can see
          is a huge advertisement that says boot cut jeans are
          going on sale again at Le Olde Navy this weekend.

          B-KO: (Snickers.) Fifth grade reading level my ass!

          C-KO: (Stands up and waves the paper around.) I can so
          read! The stupid Author was just using me as a
          convenient plot device! It's not fair... I hate being
          used that way!

          B-KO: (Dry tones.) Plot device, right. Since when has
          this fic had a plot?

          C-KO: (Crumples paper and mutters.) Stupid Author. I
          really do hope someone attacks you at the con. Especially for
          your never to be finished Harry Potter fic.

          To be continued...

          The coolest characters in this spamfiction are from
          Utena. This is a nonsensical out of character piece of
          tripe that I write when extremely bored. I'll continue
          to write this series when I'm extremely bored because
          sometimes I just feel like being silly. In other words
          don't take this stinky poo seriously. It's spam, spam,
          spammmm!

          But if you are offended or you just like to complain
          you can email the stupid Author here: dreiser3@...

          And to see further travesties she's written just take
          a hop and a skip over to: http://www.dreiser.net/

          The not so thrilling trailer line: What will happen next time?!
          Will the stupid Author of this spamfic actually write an episode
          of Elevator a day until the real Yuricon happens?! Is a plastic pink
          spoon really the horrifying weapon?! And does Elevator now have a
          plot?! Not very likely.

          A RANDOM QUOTE AND ANALYZATION:

          "Your goat mind games won't work on me!"
          -Reese; Malcolm in the Middle-

          WAKABA: (Stares at the quote.) What the hell does that
          mean?

          SAIONJI: (Rubs his chin and ponders.) I think it's
          talking of the intelligence animals hold that mankind
          often ignores exists and how eventually this will bite
          us in the ass.

          WAKABA: (Stares at Saionji like he's a retard.) You're
          such a himbo.

          SAIONJI: (Looks offended.) Well, you're a crude
          ruffian!

          CHU CHU: (Folds arms and says in uppity tones.) Chu...
          chu chu!

          SAIONJI: (Nods his head.) Never have I heard wiser
          words spoken, my friend.

          WAKABA: (Rubs her forehead.) Just kill me now.



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        • Dave
          ... Damn! Beat me to it ~_^ {found that out on the oficial site hyping the dub release. I ve only seen epp 1 :( Gotta get more soon :)}
          Message 4 of 15 , Jun 2, 2003
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            --- In Yuricon@yahoogroups.com, Andy00@a... wrote:
            > Actually, Mireille is Corsican. Not French. ^^

            Damn! Beat me to it ~_^ {found that out on the oficial site hyping
            the dub release. I've only seen epp 1 :( Gotta get more soon :)}
          • Trixterpriest@aol.com
            ... Bless you, Dreiser, bless you ;p Kun ... *does a little elevator dance*
            Message 5 of 15 , Jun 3, 2003
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              > It's the spamfic that never ends... and to celebrate that
              > fact and the fact that the real life AniLesboCon (huzzah,
              > Yuricon!) is about to arrive I'm posting a new idiotic
              > episode of Scenes From An Elevator daily to celebrate. So
              > sit back, read, and have some fun like the rest of us
              > hopefully will have in a few days.
              >
              >
              > Scenes From An Elevator:
              > An Idiotic Utena Spamfic
              >

              Bless you, Dreiser, bless you ;p

              Kun
              ----'-,-{@
              *does a little elevator dance*
            • dreiser
              ... Corsica is a part of France and besides, Napolean was from Corsica and I m pretty sure he said he was French. Anywayyyy... it s best to never take me
              Message 6 of 15 , Jun 3, 2003
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                --- In Yuricon@yahoogroups.com, Andy00@a... wrote:
                > Actually, Mireille is Corsican. Not French. ^^

                Corsica is a part of France and besides, Napolean was
                from Corsica and I'm pretty sure he said he was French.
                Anywayyyy... it's best to never take me seriously. Most
                of all in this fic. lol. At least no one corrected me
                when I said Mireille's a cradle robber. Heh.

                Rather than spamming the ml, anyone who wants the
                daily dose of elevator idiocy can just visit my website
                at http://www.dreiser.net/

                I'll have the new episode uploaded and linked there
                every night as soon as I've finished typing it up. Which
                usually takes ehh... ten minutes? lol. So sad.

                Later!

                Nic
              • Shannon Stricof
                Actually, I m pretty sure Corsica and Sardinia are a separate country by now (If you have read any Ludlum, it s in the Matarese Circle), though I don t claim
                Message 7 of 15 , Jun 3, 2003
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                  Actually, I'm pretty sure Corsica and Sardinia are a separate country by now (If you have read any Ludlum, it's in the Matarese Circle), though I don't claim to know for sure.
                   
                  SFAE rocks, Nic, you are my heroine.
                   
                  -Shannon Ami

                  dreiser <dreiser3@...> wrote:
                  --- In Yuricon@yahoogroups.com, Andy00@a... wrote:
                  > Actually, Mireille is Corsican.   Not French.   ^^

                  Corsica is a part of France and besides, Napolean was
                  from Corsica and I'm pretty sure he said he was French.
                  Anywayyyy... it's best to never take me seriously. Most
                  of all in this fic. lol. At least no one corrected me
                  when I said Mireille's a cradle robber. Heh.

                  Rather than spamming the ml, anyone who wants the
                  daily dose of elevator idiocy can just visit my website
                  at http://www.dreiser.net/

                  I'll have the new episode uploaded and linked there
                  every night as soon as I've finished typing it up. Which
                  usually takes ehh... ten minutes? lol. So sad.

                  Later!

                  Nic



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                • shirobara12
                  ... Hehehe, someone here hates France and doesn t want Mireille Bouquet to be French because then he would have to hate Mireille and, oh no, that would be
                  Message 8 of 15 , Jun 3, 2003
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                    > Actually, Mireille is Corsican. Not French. ^^

                    Hehehe, someone here hates France and doesn't want
                    Mireille Bouquet to be French because then he would have to
                    hate Mireille and, oh no, that would be terrible, how can
                    anyone hate Mireille, not Mireille, not her!!! :) ;)

                    Saying "Mireille is Corsican, not French!" is like saying
                    "Kasuga Ayumu is not Japanese, she's Osakan!" - I mean,
                    come on, really. :) Mireille is French, a lesbian and
                    an assassin, and a lot of people hate her for all three
                    things - but that's what she is and there's no way of
                    denying any of the three. :)

                    White Rose
                  • kate0211@aol.com
                    In a message dated 6/3/2003 11:06:11 PM Eastern Daylight Time, ... Well, it seems that I m only about 43 episodes behind...! I d better get reading! ;) Katya
                    Message 9 of 15 , Jun 3, 2003
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                      In a message dated 6/3/2003 11:06:11 PM Eastern Daylight Time, dreiser3@... writes:

                      Rather than spamming the ml, anyone who wants the
                      daily dose of elevator idiocy can just visit my website
                      at http://www.dreiser.net/


                      Well, it seems that I'm only about 43 episodes behind...!  I'd better get reading!  ;)

                      Katya
                    • kate0211@aol.com
                      In a message dated 6/4/2003 12:37:52 AM Eastern Daylight Time, ... Corsica is a part of France. Sardinia is a part of Italy. Katya, Geographer
                      Message 10 of 15 , Jun 3, 2003
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                        In a message dated 6/4/2003 12:37:52 AM Eastern Daylight Time, shanami632@... writes:

                        Actually, I'm pretty sure Corsica and Sardinia are a separate country by now (If you have read any Ludlum, it's in the Matarese Circle), though I don't claim to know for sure.


                        Corsica is a part of France.  Sardinia is a part of Italy.

                        Katya, Geographer
                      • Eltink, Royi
                        *steps uit of lurkerville* Corsica independant? Some people are trying to (the usual way, bombings, assasinations and stuff like that).... But knowing France
                        Message 11 of 15 , Jun 4, 2003
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                          *steps uit of lurkerville*

                          Corsica independant? Some people are trying to (the usual way, bombings, assasinations and stuff like that).... But knowing France and its regiments Foreigners Legion there, I doubt they'll get indepance the next decade.

                          > Saying "Mireille is Corsican, not French!" is like saying
                          > "Kasuga Ayumu is not Japanese, she's Osakan!" - I mean,
                          > come on, really. :) Mireille is French, a lesbian and
                          > an assassin, and a lot of people hate her for all three
                          > things - but that's what she is and there's no way of
                          > denying any of the three. :)
                          >

                          ..wich reminds me of an April fools day, article:
                          ---------------
                          The recent grassroots U.S. boycott of all French items has caused an unforseen side-effect in the anime world. Sales of the recently released anime "Noir", which is set in France, have dropped off as American fans have exercised their patriotic duty to avoid any and all French influences.

                          One American anime fan, speaking under promises of anonymity, said "Hey, it's about a couple of girls who know <expletive> well how to use a <expletive> gun, but they can't get off their lazy French <expletive> and do what needs to be done in the Middle East, just like that <expletive> Chriac. America doesn't have any <expletive> time for <expletive> like that." When it was pointed out that one of the two lead characters is Japanese, the fan said, "They're not at the <expletive> front lines with our troops either, so it's the same thing. I'd boycott a <expletive> anime that involves <expletive> Canada, too, if there were any. I gotta go now - 'Cardcaptors' is starting on TV."

                          Another anime fan, also wishing to remain anonymous, had this to say: "If it was up to me, I'd buy 'Noir'. It's the kind of story that I like, a bit like 'The Professional' or 'La Femme Nikita'. But my father works at a big defence contractor and his security clearance is up for review this month. My family can't afford for my father to lose his job right now - we have to join in with the French boycott."

                          A third fan, who was willing to give his name but will remain anonymous anyway, gave a slightly different reason for boycotting the "Noir" anime. "Sure, they go in and kill people who can't be removed any other way, just like we're doing in Iraq. But their biggest enemy is named 'Soldats', and that means 'soldiers' in French - I looked it up on Babelfish. I can't in good conscience buy something that has soldiers as the bad guys while American soldiers are fighting the good fight in Iraq."

                          There is currently no word from ADV Films as to whether they are changing their plans for "Noir" in light of the current boycott of French products.
                          ---------------

                          Ro'
                          ...who still has to see Noir ep 14 and further...

                          *steps back in lurkerville*
                        • Shannon Stricof
                          Good to know, thanks for the correction. -Shannon Ami kate0211@aol.com wrote: In a message dated 6/4/2003 12:37:52 AM Eastern Daylight Time,
                          Message 12 of 15 , Jun 4, 2003
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                            Good to know, thanks for the correction.
                             
                            -Shannon Ami

                            kate0211@... wrote:
                            In a message dated 6/4/2003 12:37:52 AM Eastern Daylight Time, shanami632@... writes:

                            Actually, I'm pretty sure Corsica and Sardinia are a separate country by now (If you have read any Ludlum, it's in the Matarese Circle), though I don't claim to know for sure.


                            Corsica is a part of France.  Sardinia is a part of Italy.

                            Katya, Geographer


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