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Re: Battle of Trafalgar ,.. Today

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  • Ross Flowers
    absolutely wonderful Drums
    Message 1 of 5 , Oct 29, 2010
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      absolutely wonderful
      Drums

      --- In WarOf1812@yahoogroups.com, "JohnH" <jharris@...> wrote:
      >
      > I forgot to post this yesterday!
      > Enjoy
      > John
      >
      > The Battle of Trafalgar,.. Today
      >
      > Admiral Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."
      >
      > Captain Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."
      >
      > Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning
      > of this?"
      >
      > Hardy: "Sorry sir?"
      >
      > Nelson (reading aloud): "England expects every person to do his or her
      > duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation,
      > religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this?"
      >
      > Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal Opportunities
      > employer now. We had the devil's own job getting 'England'
      > past the censors, lest it be considered racist."
      >
      > Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."
      >
      > Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free
      > working environments."
      >
      > Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
      > mainbrace to steel the men before battle."
      >
      > Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
      > Government's policy on binge drinking."
      >
      > Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it ...
      > full speed ahead."
      >
      > Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
      > stretch of water."
      >
      > Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
      > history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the
      > crow's nest please."
      >
      > Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."
      >
      > Nelson: "What?"
      >
      > Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and
      > they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations.
      > They won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."
      >
      > Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay."
      >
      > Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck,
      > Admiral."
      >
      > Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."
      >
      > Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier-free
      > environment for the differently abled."
      >
      > Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even
      > to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of
      > admiral by playing the disability card."
      >
      > Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in the
      > areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."
      >
      > Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."
      >
      > Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let
      > the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't
      > want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"
      >
      > Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the
      > men to stand by to engage the enemy."
      >
      > Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."
      >
      > Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"
      >
      > Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged
      > with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
      > legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."
      >
      > Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"
      >
      > Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."
      >
      > Nelson: "We're not?"
      >
      > Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now.
      > According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we
      > shouldn't even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim
      > for compensation."
      >
      > Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."
      >
      > Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying
      > that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."
      >
      > Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
      > King."
      >
      > Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age.
      > Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save
      > your life"
      >
      > Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
      > sodomy and the lash?"
      >
      > Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
      > corporal punishment."
      >
      > Nelson: "What about sodomy?"
      >
      > Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."
      >
      > Nelson: "In that case... kiss me, Hardy."
      >
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