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A PERIOD PIECE FOR YULETIDE

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  • Richard Feltoe
    In keeping with the season and our period tastes, may I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, happy New Year and the lines from an old Monologue written in 1939 but
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 24, 2007
      In keeping with the season and our period tastes, may I wish everyone a Merry Christmas, happy New Year and the lines from an old Monologue written in 1939 but in the style of the 19th Century music halls. Its leading character is Sam Small the archetype for many a persona within the reenactor community.
      Regards and best wishes
      Richard Feltoe

      For those of a musical inclination it can be sung to the World War I song "It was Christmas Day in the Trenches"

      IT WAS CHRISTMAS DAY IN THE TRENCHES
      IN SPAIN IN'T PENINSULA WAR
      AND SAM SMALL WERE CLEANIN' HIS MUSKET
      A THING AS HE'D NE'ER DONE BEFORE

      THEY'D HAD 'EM INSPECTED THAT MORNIN'
      AND SAM HAD GOT INTO DISGRACE
      FOR WHEN SERGEANT HAD LOOKED DOWN THE BARREL
      A SPARROW FLEW OUT IN HIS FACE

      THE SERGEANT REPORTED THE MATTER
      TO LIEUTENANT BIRD THEN AND THERE
      SAID LIEUTENANT "HOW VERY DISGUSTING
      THE DUKE MUST BE TOLD OF THIS 'ERE'

      THE DUKE WERE UPSET WHEN HE HEARD IT
      HE SAID "I'M ASTONISHED I AM
      I MUST MAKE A MOST DRASTIC EXAMPLE
      THERE'LL BE NO CHRISTMAS PUDDING FOR SAM"

      WHEN SAM WERE INFORMED OF HIS SENTENCE
      SURPRISE ROOTED HIM TO THE SPOT-
      'TWERE MUCH WORSE THAN HE'D EVER EXPECTED
      HE THOUGHT AS HE'D ONLY BE SHOT

      AND SO HE SAT CLEANING HIS MUSKET
      AND POLISHING BARREL AND BUTT
      WHILST THE PUDDING HIS MOTHER HAD SENT HIM
      LAY THERE IN THE MUD AT HIS FOOT

      NOW THE TRENCHES THAT SAM'S LOT WERE HOLDING
      RAN AROUND A PLACE CALLED BADAJOZ
      WHERE THE SPANIARDS HAD PUT UP A BASTION
      AND OOH WHAT A BASTION IT WAS!

      THEY HAD POUNDED AWAY ALL THE MORNING
      WITH CANISTER, GRAPE SHOT AND BALL
      BUT THE FACE OF THE BASTION DEFIED THEM
      THEY'D MADE NO IMPRESSION AT ALL

      THEY STRARTED AGAIN AFTER DINNER
      BOMBARDING AS HARD AS THEY COULD;
      AND THE DUKE BROUGHT HIS OWN PRIVATE CANNON
      BUT IT DID NOT A HA'PENSE O' GOOD

      THE DUKE SAID "SAM, PUT DOWN THY MUSKET
      AND HELP ME TO LAY THIS GUN TRUE"
      SAM ANSWERED "YOU'D BEST ASK YOUR FAVOURS
      FROM THEM AS YOU GAVE PUDDIN' TO"

      THE DUKE LOOKED AT SAM SO REPROACHFUL
      "AND DONT TAKE IT THAT WAY" SAID HE,
      "US GENERALS HAVE GOT TO BE RUTHLESS
      IT HURTS ME MORE THAN IT DID THEE"

      SAM SNIFFED AT THESE WORDS KIND OF SCEPTIC
      THEN HE LOOKED DOWN THE DUKE'S PRIVATE GUN
      AND SAID " WE'D BEST PUT IN TWO CHARGES
      WE'LL NE'ER BUST THIS BASTION WITH ONE"

      HE TIPPED CANNON BALL OUT THE MUZZLE
      AND TOOK OUT THE WADDING AND ALL
      HE FILLED BARREL CHOCK FULL OF POWDER
      THEN PICKED UP AND REPLACED THE BALL

      HE TOOK A GOOD AIM AT THE BASTION
      THEN SAID "RIGHT-O, DUKE, LET HER FLY"
      THE CANNON NIGH JUMPED OFF HER TRUNNIONS
      AND UP WENT THE BASTION SKY HIGH.

      THE DUKE HE WERE HIGHLY ELATED
      HE DANCED ROUND THE TRENCH FULL OF GLEE
      AND SAID "SAM FOR THIS GALLANT ACTION
      YOU CAN HOT UP YOUR PUDDING FOR TEA"

      SAM LOOKED ROUND TO PICK UP HIS PUDDING
      BUT IT WERN'T THERE, NOR NOWHERE ABOUT
      IN THE PLACE WHERE HE THOUGHT HE HAD LEFT IT
      LAY THE CANNON BALL HE'D JUST TIPPED OUT

      SAM SAW IN A FLASH WHAT HAD HAPPENED
      BY AN UNPRECEDENTED MISHAP
      THE PUDDING HIS MOTHER HAD SENT HIM
      HAD BLOWN BADAJOZ OFF THE MAP

      THAT'S WHY FUSILIERS TO THIS MOMENT
      WEAR A BADGE THAT THEY CALL A GRENADE
      BIT THEY'RE WRONG - ITS A BRASS REPRODUCTION
      OF THE PUDDING SAM'S MOTHER ONCE MADE

      [Non-text portions of this message have been removed]
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