WOSSNAME -- MAY 2002 -- PART 2 OF 3 (continued)
9) YOUR DISC HOROSCOPE
Today: DISCOVER OTHER PEOPLE'S SIGNS
This month we'll show you how to guess the sign of the person in
front of you at first sight. This will make things a lot easier for
you when trying to achieve contact with a member of the opposite sex,
since instead of asking "Which sign are you?", you'll be able to
say "You're a Cow of Heaven!" And then she'll answer "And you're a
Flying Moose" and you'll be off to a friendly start.
March 21 - April 20
The Perhaps Gate
The first thing that shows on a Perhaps Gate native is her good
health Even at Death's door, reduced to a rotting hulk, a Gate
person will radiate an aura that says clearly "You'll die before I
do... even if I have to kill you myself". Another clear sign that
you are facing a Gate person is their behavior at the table.
Frightening waiters by pretending to choke on the food is
their favorite sport, making for a memorable date.
April 21 - May 21
Gahoolie, the Vase of Tulips
Vase of Tulips people have a natural tendency towards humor.
Even in the worst state of health, a Vase will show a jolly
face. Filled with boundless mirth, they always seem
to be a bit drunk. Perhaps because most of the time,
they are. Don't let them drive.
May 22 - June 21
The Two Fat Cousins
Fat Cousins are the kind of persons who always seems to
be short, no matter what their height. Even at 2 meters tall,
when seen from a distance they always look like imps. As
for personality, we'll just say that there are very few people
around who terrify CMOT Dibbler. But Fat Cousins love to
spend 45 minutes at Dibbler's barrow in the street trying
to decide if they prefer meat pies or sausages. This
sometimes leads to riots and disturbances, making
lunchtime stabbings the first cause of mortality
among Fat Cousins.
June 22 - July 22
Wezen the Double-Headed Kangaroo
The Double-Headed Kangaroo always seems to be
in constant movement. Even standing still, his
stillness reminds you of activity in quite an annoying
way. The Kangaroo is the kind of person who may
be quiet during a whole 2-hour public meeting and
then suddenly gets up, takes the chairman, shoves his
head down the privy and says calmly, "You are
going to have the lift mended, aren't you?"
July 23 - August 23
The Cow of Heaven
The Cow of Heaven has a great physical attractiveness
of that strange kind which is inversely proportional to
the distance separating him from a possible lovemate.
Seen from far away, a male Cow seems strong and interesting
-- but when you come close, you discover those muscles
are fat and that intelligent face is due to constipation.
The same applies to the female Cow. That's the main
reason why they end up marrying people with poor vision.
August 24 - September 23
Mubbo the Hyena
The Hyena has this in common with a cockroach:
you always think that they'll still be standing after
an atomic bomb. Or on four legs. Or creeping. The
point is that they'd still be there. A good definition
would be that a Hyena is the kind of customer some
inexperienced salesmen loathe -- it's not just that
they cannot be fooled, it's that they cannot even be
"suggested." However, they suggest themselves,
thank you. Thus, they are easy to seduce but hard
to live with.
September 24 - October 23
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars
There is something about a Small Boring Group's appearance
that makes you think that, since you are 1.85 m ( 6 feet) tall and
a Tae-Kwondo champion, you can take them down easily,
without too many problems. And not only take them down --
also fool, crush, insult or miserably vex them. Just think
about this famous Small Boring Group individual: Jean-Claude
Van Damme. Let's talk straight: who would he frighten?
It could be thought that the Faint Stars people are the Universe's
favourite victims, but this trait comes along with their mastery
of combat and evasive maneuvers, through which they
seldom lose. Hire a hitman, and a good defense lawyer.
October 24 - November 22
Okjok the Salesman
An Okjok person will seem to be honest and very concerned
with your welfare. If an Okjok Sumo Wrestler tells you that he
feeds only on boiled rice and vegetables, you believe it.
He doesn't mention that the boiled rice comes in full bucket
containers and the vegetables in an amount enough to deforest
California. If a stumbling Okjok throws up over your shoes and
then says he's only had one drink, you'll believe him.
He's just the kind of person who could sell you a bridge.
or a gold brick. Turn and run.
November 23 - December 21
The Overworked Orang-Utang
Physically, an Orang-Utang is linear. Maybe the only straight thing
in her physiognomy is her nose, but nevertheless she's linear. As for
personality, an Orang-Utang never knows what she is doing, but she'll
always think that what she is doing is exactly what must be done. At
a party, an Orang-Utang may spend the night dancing and laughing and
then, the next morning, say what an awful party, or he may spend the
night sitting in a corner and then say he enjoyed it very much. And
don't you ever think of contradicting him...
December 22 - January 20
The Celestial Parsnip
A Celestial Parsnip is usually that guy who disappears the second
after you turn around from him. Some scientific theories postulate
that they go out of phase with the objects around him. Others say
that they blend in with their surroundings like chameleons, and
others speculate they jump to alternative realities in 15-minute
periods. The point is that a Parsnip is slicker than an oiled
snake. And when you catch him, he always says: 'Guy, where
you been, been looking for you for half an hour'. And you just
believe him, of course. Don't let him hold your wallet.
January 21 - February 18
The Knotted String
A Knotted String is always amazing. If she's short-sized, it's
because she's a perfect petite. If she's tall, she's statuesque.
Whatever it is, a String always radiates the idea that, whatever
she is, she's perfect. They don't speak much but when they do,
even if the thing they're saying is utter rubbish, that rubbish gets
into the collective subconscious. They are the creators of the most
popular catch-phrases. Bart Simpson is a Knotted String. You
can spot a String easily because a String is that person in
a group who does not really seem to fit there, but whom
everyone respects and takes into consideration, in short,
a politician. Don't sign anything.
February 19 - March 20
The Flying Moose
One of the most outstanding physical traits of the Flying Moose is
cranial traumatism. They bump into things with an amazing skill. That
kid who has a new bump in his forehead every day and, worst of all,
can't remember how it got there, has to be be a Moose. Regarding
their personality we should take note of their wandering mind but, even
more so, the fact that although they talk exactly like the rest of the
world, they always seem to have a strange accent. Even wearing the
most up-to-date clothes, they always seem old-fashioned. Not too
hard to get them into bed, but you won't like it.
-- Lady Aranluc.
If you did not get all 3 parts, write: jschaum111@...
End of Part 2, says my computer -- continued on Part 3 of 3