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WOSSNAME -- May 2013 -- Late breaking news and monthly horoscope

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    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion May 2013 (Volume 16, Issue 5, Post 2) ******************************************** 01) LATE BREAKING NEWS
    Message 1 of 1 , May 30, 2013
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      May 2013 (Volume 16, Issue 5, Post 2)

      05) CLOSE



      It's decision time for the 2013 Pratchett Prize! Lynsey of
      Transworld says:

      "Today Sir Terry Pratchett is making the final judgement on who has
      won this year's first novel award!

      The Unspoken Death of the Amazing Flying Boy by Jean Burdett
      Bloodline by Sophie Constable
      The Hive by Alexander Maskill
      The Way Through the Woods by Robin Pearson
      A Kill in the Morning by Graeme Shimmin
      The Shadows of Annwn by Catherine Whittle

      Good Luck to the shortlisted Authors!"


      Tickets are now on sale for the Long War event! That is, Terry
      Pratchett and Stephen Baxter will discuss parallel worlds live at
      London's Institute of Engineering and Technology in June.

      When: 25th June 2013
      Venue: The Institution of Engineering and Technology, 2 Savoy Place,
      London WC2R 0BL
      Time: 7pm (event will last for about an hour)
      Tickets: £10.00, can be purchased online by going to this page:


      Remember, The Long Earth is now available in paperback.


      Action replay department: Night Watch is on the wireless! BBC Radio
      4 Extra, to be precise. Originally broadcast in 2011, the production
      is up to Episode 5 at the moment, but all the previous episodes are
      still available for listening although there are only four days to
      go for Episode 1:



      Photographer Johan Spruijtschuur reported on the recent Cabbagecon:

      "Books, games, handmade props and costumes dotted the space, all in
      the spirit of good old-fashioned love and handicraft. Cabbage-
      patterned dresses, frilly lace and gleaming armour; if the event
      could be accused of lacking quality, it certainly held its own in
      ingenuity and spirit. I didn't have an overabundance of time to
      spend with these fine folks, though I did manage to cajole a few
      into performing an impromptu Night Watch vs Assassin take-down
      scenario, and I didn't meet a soul who didn't appreciate (or at
      least tolerate) my taking their picture. One gentleman even had a
      prop iconography he'd fashioned, in which a little imp could be seen
      painting the picture. Friendly, familial and ever so clever, my
      brief time with the Cabbagecon family left me whistling and

      To read the whole report, you have to be logged into Facebook, but
      for those of you who don't wish to descend to that level, at least
      the excellent selection of photos is available to civilians (see
      Images, below). The link to the report is:




      by Kevin

      Bon jorno my friends! It's me, Kevin, still your acting horoscoper
      while Fernando Magnifico is being hostageded by the Dread Pirate
      Queen Roberta. If you ask me, I reckon the Patrician should get the
      army and go rescue Fernando, and probly give him a medal too, for
      survivin whatever horrible things theyre doing to him. But not too
      soon, cos I'm really gettin the hang of these horoscopes.

      Last month I asked if anyone knows the right way to spell more than
      one nemesis. I'd like to thank Ortho Servitude and Nancy Ptarmac
      (Ms) wot wrote in to tell me the spelling is "nemesises", and
      especially Miss Prudence and Miss Modesty Primley from Dolly Sisters
      for the list of rude words in three different languages. Thanks

      I reckon that this is a good month to do the horoscope about famous
      people from history, cos this is May when the lilac is in bloom and
      everybody knows what that means.

      Chow Bela!


      The Currant Bun (formerly The Adamant Hedgehog) 21 Mar – 20 Apr

      Bunnies, I reckon your famous historical figure is the dreaded
      warlord Knobbli Kong. My Intresting Historical Figures of the Disc
      book says Knobbli and his Kongol Hordes rode out of Agatea on hardy
      little battle donkeys, an they were famous for havin these BBQs and
      also for entertaining some ol poet who wandered into Knobbli Kong's
      palace by mistake. Once they rode out and came down through
      Lllamados and the Octarine Grass Country, ravaging everything they
      came across, and they got right to the Ankh-Morpork gates before
      they remembered that they forgot to put the bins out. So they turned
      around and went back to Agatea. A few years later, they rode out
      again, and this time Ankh-Morpork was saved again when the Horde
      realised they'd left the kettle on. p.s. I had to ask my mum what
      "ravaging" meant. I was disappointed cos it looks like Zapp gave me
      the totally wrong definition and ravaging isnt about girls at all.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr – 21 May

      Sandies, your famous historical figure is Jean de Gastreau, the
      Quirmish chef who invented knuckle sandwiches. I know, how sick is
      that, everyone thinks knuckle sandwiches were invented in Ankh-
      Morpork, but they were really invented in Quirm. Actually, they were
      invented by his mum who was a champion boxer, she used to go down
      the pub and challenge people to a fight and then give them a knuckle
      sandwich with avec cos the Quirmians put avec on everything.
      Gastreau liked this so much that he went around giving everyone a
      knuckle sandwich, and one day he gave some bloke from Ankh-Morpork
      one, and the next thing you know everyone's mum is giving them knuckle
      sandwiches for breakfast, lunch and dinner only without the avec.


      The Knotted String (formerly Herne the Hunted) 22 May – 21 Jun

      Knotties, your famous historical figure is Queen Ynci the Short-
      Tempered of Lancre. Queen Ynci had all this amazin armour covered in
      spikes, and this totally awesome battle-axe nearly as big as she
      was, an she totally knew how to use it. Once there was this tribal
      chief who was giving her cheek and she picked up her axe and gave
      him forty whacks and said "Anyone else wannabe king?", which doesnt
      sound very awesome but when some mean ol warrior-queen covered in
      spikes and tattoos and blood says it, everybody listens. Some people
      say that Queen Ynci never actually died, that she just went into
      some cave deep in the mountains, where she sleeps to this very day.
      They say that if Lancre is threatened, she'll wake in a *really* bad
      mood and start choppin enemies whack whack whack. I reckon they
      might be right about this, cos a few years ago there was this
      invasion of Elves in Lancre, and they say that people saw Queen Ynci
      back and fiercer than ever. Or maybe it was the Lancre Witch-Queen.
      Whoever it was, she was meaner an tougher than a ol troll with
      bedrock-itch, so you better watch out!


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun – 22 Jul

      Staffies, your famous historical figure is Alberto Malich, the
      founder of Unseen University, and probly the most powerful wizard of
      all time. Not counting the Sourcerers of course, cos theyre totally
      sick and can make magic just by thinkin about it. Theres this great
      big statchoo of Alberto Malich at Unseen University, I haven't seen
      it cos the wizards don't let you go in unless you're a wizard or
      maybe pushing a cheese trolley, but Zapp's been seeing this girl who
      works at the University and she told him that when the wizards are
      done eating the last round of pudding and gone back to their rooms
      for a late night snack, sometimes the statchoo walks around the room
      looking for fried porridge.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul – 23 Aug

      Bilians, your famous historical figure is Tompkin X Hunter, the
      famous scribe who was the official drinking companion to
      Dipsomaniacal Lord Oeno who used to be the Patrician of Ankh-
      Morpork in olden days. Hunter was famous for drinking a pint of
      scumble for breakfast every day, and sometimes second breakfast too,
      and also for writing "Fright and Abhorrence in Ankh-Morpork". His
      discly remains are famous too, theyre on display at the A-M Museum
      pickled in a barrel of rum. As per his bequest to the Museum,
      "bequest" means what it says in his will, "every goode manne of 14
      Years, or marryed lady of 18 years, may sup of the Rum, the better
      to remember me". I'm not allowed to try it out cos mum says Rum is a
      Demon, but I think shes just sayin that to put me off, I've got a
      book called "101 Coolest Evil Demons" and theres no demon called Rum
      in it.


      My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug – 23 Sept

      Nosers, your historical figure is the legendary hero-lady Florence
      of Ephebia. Florence was just an ordinary nurse in Ankh-Morpork when
      she heard about the terrible conditions those Ephebian philosophers
      were in, living in barrels and running down the street in the nuddy
      with no clothes on, so she went to Ephebe with her suitcase of
      leeches and pamphlets about Modern Hygeine to take care of them.
      Only when she left to go back to Ankh-Morpork she got lost in the
      desert and the next thing you know she was the leader of a tribe of
      D'regs that conkered lots of other tribes of D'regs cos she taught
      them about washing their hands after going you know what so they
      never got sick and were the strongest tribe. Also she had a hunchback
      so she was known as the Lady with the Lump. Mind you, some people say
      she never existed and was only a made up story in the Inquirer, but
      she was a great hero-lady even if her story is apocra, appokrypal,
      apokryful, thats another word I need help with spellin.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept – 23 Oct

      Boring'uns, your historical figure isn't very famous here but he's
      the most famousest person in Fourecks, where he comes from, cos it's
      Rinso the Bushranger. Bushrangers are like these really awesome
      unlicenced thieves and highway men, cept they live in the bush and
      steal sheep and wear buckets on their head. Rinso was the greatest
      Bushranger ever, I wrote a school paper on him last year, he stole
      more sheep than anyone before or since. He once even stole a sheep
      without even leaving the gaol. Not that any cell could hold him, he
      was in and out of prison cells, escapin from the hangman, in between
      inventing that yeasty-salty spread that's been banned nearly
      everywhere cept Fourecks, and drinkin and fightin and escapin some
      more. Some people reckon he might be half Feegal, although I dunno
      how that's supposed to work, what with the size difference.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct – 22 Nov

      Andies, your famous historical figure is Queen Klephat-ra of
      Djelibeybi. She was this amazing Queen and all these kings and
      generals tried to marry her but she wouldn't marry them cos she was
      the ruler and she could tell them to naff off or even behead them.
      And she used to take baths in asses milk, which was probly why she
      had such good skin, even if she was a bit smelly cos the milk goes
      funny in hot weather and everybody knows they have a lot of hot
      weather in Djelibeybi. They have so much hot weather there I reckon
      they could export it to the Hub and make a fortune. She was also
      famous cos she had a deadly asp, one bite of her asp and you'd be
      dead in a second. I don't know why anyone would want to bite her on
      the asp though, I tried asking my dad and he said to ask my mum, and
      when I asked her she just said its been far too long.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov – 21 Dec

      Spooners, your famous historical figure is DEATH! Mr Death has gotta
      be the most famousest historical person ever because he's been
      around for all of history and more besides. He used to be a Force of
      Nature but so many people believed in a seven foot tall skelington
      that he turned into that and now he spends most of his time trying
      to be more like an ordinary person when he's not busy being Death
      and all. Death can be seen by wizards and witches and kings and
      other really important people, also by cats, also also by people who
      work in curry restaurants, and of course by dead people which is
      pretty obvious when you think about it. Oh, and by some people who
      go out walking I guess, because why else would there be a saying "so
      and so walks with Death"? Zapp says Mr Death has got a grand
      daughter who's kinda young and really hot, and even says he's seen
      her but I think it was just cos it was that time he was sick and had
      a really bad fever.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec – 20 Jan

      Hokians, your famous historical figure is the Seriph of Al-Ybi.
      Nearly everybody knows he was cursed by a disclexic god so that
      everything he touched turned into Glod. Nobody knows which god it
      was, cos when you're a god, nobody goes around sayin "By the way,
      did you know that so-and-so the god is disclexic?". But what most
      people don't know is that this was not the only time the Seriph of
      Al-Ybi had a run in with the gods! You'd think he'd learn from the
      first time, but this one time he was one of the judges in a
      competition between Hoki the Jokester and Blind Io about who was the
      better musician. The ol legend says that Hoki played his pipes and
      made beautiful music, and then Blind Io plucked a single string on
      his lyre. All the other judges said that Blind Io defnitly won the
      competition, but when the Seriph argued that Hoki was the real
      winner Io said something like "You must have the ears of an ass!"
      and turned them into donkey's ears. I think that Seriph mustn't of
      been the sharpest sacrafishal knife in the temple, if you know what
      I mean.


      The Big Chicken 21 Jan – 18 Feb

      Squawkers, your famous historical figure is BS "Bloody Stupid"
      Johnson, cept that I don't think he was bloody stupid at all. (And
      mum, if you're reading this, I have to write the B word, cos it's
      all historical and everything.) I think that he was completely sick
      and I don't know why everyone makes fun of him cos he built these
      really awesome things, like the table-top football game he made for
      the King of Brindisi where each figure is 20 feet tall and it takes
      200 men to spin them around. Or his water-powered corkscrew, that
      the Dwarfs bought for tunnelling through mountains. And the amazin
      Castle Sachertorte Spiral Staircase in Uberwald, 88 thousand steps,
      each one exactly 1/20th of an inch high. If BS Johnson was alive
      today I'd ask him to design me something for sure.


      Hyperopia's Buckle (formerly Lesser Umbrage) 19 Feb – 20 Mar

      Bucklers, your historical figure is General Tacticus, who wrote the
      book on winning wars. And I mean that litrally. I tried reading his
      famous book "The Art of Not Losing Wars" cos I reckon it would be a
      good thing to know when the invisible Lancre army invades, you
      remember I tole you about them last month, but there was all this
      stuff about stockpiling bags of flour and how much water a horse
      drinks in a day and winning without fightin, and where's the fun in
      that? So I reckon there must have been another book by Tacticus,
      where you win by fightin.



      This is the text of an actual advertisement on Craigslist:

      "Looking for Rabbi Versed in DARK TALMUDIC ARTS to create GOLEM.

      "WANTED: One Rabbi versed in the Dark Talmudic Arts to create one
      Golem for household of three. Golem will perform rudimentary
      household chores such as dishes & sweeping, basic Math Tutoring for
      our daughter in 3rd grade and basic household security. Golem must
      be obedient and fairly unobtrusive on our every-day lives. We will
      supply all materials needed (clay, twigs, calfskin parchment, etc)
      needed to create the Golem. All you need to do is use your magical
      ancient Rabbinic skills to animate said Golem! Please note! We are
      looking for a Rabbi to create a Golem: an anthropomorphic being
      created from inanimate matter from Jewish folk-lore, NOT Gollum: a
      former Hobbit turned into monster and looking for 'precious'. This
      is important! We have no interest in living with Gollum. We want a
      Golem. Please respond, serious inquiry only."

      Unfortunately, this advert has now been taken down. The question
      is, was the advertiser successful?



      The cover art from A Slip of the Keyboard, due out in October:


      Pterry driving a steam train in the name of research! For Raising
      Steam, of course:


      The watercress Line is a must for steam-train buffs:


      A truly excellent Vimes-as-Keel], from this month's Cabbagecon:


      Ink artist Charlie Hurt fulfilled a request from a customer for a
      large tattoo of B'hrian Bloodaxe on his back:



      05) CLOSE

      And that's all we have for this month. Enjoy the sunshine, or if
      you're in Fourecks, wrap up warm since your "winter" starts
      tomorrow. See you next month!

      – Annie Mac


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2013 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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