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WOSSNAME -- February 2013 -- Your monthly Discworld horoscope

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    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion February 2013 (Volume 16, Issue 2, Post 2) ******************************************** 01) EDITOR S NOTE
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 27, 2013
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      February 2013 (Volume 16, Issue 2, Post 2)

      01) EDITOR'S NOTE



      As mentioned in the latest editorial (February 2013, post 1), now
      with further information:

      Radio 4's production of Eric, starring Mark Heap as Rincewind, is
      being broadcast in four weekly episodes, starting on Wednesday 6
      March at 23.00 (thereafter on the 13th, 20th and 27th March). Also,
      Radio 4 Extra is will broadcast their production of Guards! Guards!
      at 18.30 nightly from 4th to 11 March; afterwards it will be on BBC
      iPlayer for seven days.

      Here be the link:


      Forgot-to-mention department: the Stephen Briggs audiobook reading
      of Dodger, as praised by numerous pleased listeners, has been
      shortlisted for an Audie Award in the Teens category. Hoping for a


      Don't-miss-it department: Studio Theatre of Salisbury's production
      of Going Postal is still running! Sir Pterry himself has seen it and
      says, "This is one of the finest AmDram productions Rob and I have
      ever seen." For those of you who can get there, here's the
      information again:

      When: 26th February–2nd March 2013
      Venue: Studio Theatre, Ashley Road, Salisbury
      Time: 7:30pm
      Tickets: £10 (£8 concessions). The Charity Gala evening tickets
      cost £12. Tickets are available only from the Salisbury Tourist
      Information Centre, Fish Row, SP1 1EJ (telephone 01722 334956); all
      seats will be numbered and reserved.


      Oh-that-wacky-social-networking department: in addition to his
      official Twitter and Facebook pages, Sir Pterry now also has an
      official Google Plus page:


      It's-all-go-in-Fourecks department: remember, Nullus Anxietas IV
      takes place on the 8th – 10th March in Melbourne. That's only just
      over a week away!


      Oh, and we seem to have a slightly unusual horoscope for you this
      month. Read on...

      – Annie Mac, Editor


      by Kevin

      Bon jorno my friends! It's me, Kevin, and I'll be your horoscoper
      this month, cos Fernando's been kidnapped by some pirate queen, or
      at least that's what he said in his last letter, though persnally I
      don't think he's trying too hard to escape. I know I wouldn't, cos
      they might ask you to be a pirate, which would be totally awesome.
      Unless the navy catches you, cos they hang you for piracy, which I
      think is stupid but that's what they do.

      It's been a few years since I last got to do the horoscoping, it's a
      bit embarrising to read my old stuff cos I was such a little kid
      back then. I'm 16 and a half now, and my spelling's much better. If
      you're going to be a famous astrolager to the govermint, you have to
      know all sorts of stuff, like spelling and maths and jography,
      otherwise you might go to write down "this is a good month to invade
      Sto Kerrig" and accidentally write "Sto Kerret" by mistake, and then
      the army spends months roaming around looking for the place and then
      Klatch invades while they're gone and it'll be all your fault for
      not spelling it the right way. I've even asked my mum to buy me a
      dictionary so I can look up the hard words.

      Last time I did the horoscopes I was really into "Dragon Smackdown",
      which was a pretty good game for kids but, they don't make any new
      cards for it any more and these days there are much better things to
      play and so I asked the stars what the best games are.

      Chow Bela!


      The Currant Bun (formerly The Adamant Hedgehog) 21 Mar – 20 Apr

      Bunnies, I hope you have a Gooseberry, cos your game is the totally
      awesome "Angry Imps". My mum won't let me have a Gooseberry until
      I'm older, but my best mate Zapp has one and sometimes he lets me
      play and I got the high score so Zapp said the game sucks and he
      wasn't going to play it any more cos he has to save his energy for
      learning to be a wizard, but don't listen to him the game is totally


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr – 21 May

      Sandies, your game is billiards which is basicly crockett on a table
      only with just two players and no sheep. Lots of people think
      billiards is a posh game but it's really for everyone, the only
      diffrence is poor people have to go to a pub with a billiards room
      and rich people have their own billiards room with servants to iron
      the table and polish their balls. Mum doesn't want me hanging around
      down the pub playin billiards, but I've got this awesome book called
      "Artistic Billiards" by Sir Badgeley Cantilever-Biggs that teaches
      you the most awesomest trick shots like the Cori Celesti Express,
      that is where you stack the balls in a pyramid in the centre of the
      table and then pocket them all with one shot.


      The Knotted String (formerly Herne the Hunted) 22 May – 21 Jun

      Knotties, your game is "Upstairs Downstairs", which is a game for at
      least two players but lots more is best. This is a pretty awesome
      game for everybody except Freddie Smith. Me mum says that its cruel
      on him, but he deserves it cos he's a scag. I spose it might be a
      bit too much if all the Knotties in Ankh-Morpork slid down the
      stairs on him though, so when you play it you'll have to find your
      own toboggan.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun – 22 Jul

      Staffies, you get a perfect game for your Sign, it's called The
      Magic Gathering and it's all about wizard smackdowns in the old time
      Mage Wars. There's cool cards and eight sided dice, there's lots of
      rules but it's worth putting up with having to look up the rules all
      the time cos the winner gets to be declared a Sourcerer and you can
      go around looking smug for days. If you get the deluxe version it
      comes with an actual sapient pearwood wand, all right, it's just
      imitation sapient pearwood but my mate Gubby says he knows someone
      who got a real one and when he tried to cast one of the game spells
      he accidently blew up his nan's mangle and now he's grounded and has
      to do all his nan's washing by hand. I think you shouldn't mess
      around with real magic cos it's dangerous stuff.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul – 23 Aug

      Bilians, your game is a drinking game, "Mended Drum Mayhem". I know,
      how cleshayed is that? Don't tell my mum, cos she thinks I'm still a
      little kid, but I'm 16 and a half and I know about these sorts of
      things and sometimes dad lets me have a shandy when he goes to the
      pub. I've never played this game myself, but I know people who have,
      and it's totally awesome except for the throwing up and headaches
      afterwards, but my friend Zapp's older brother went to Fourecks and
      he learned this amazing hangover cure made from hairs from a dog,
      raw eggs, fish eggs, and this totally disgusting black salty yeasty
      muck that the Fourecksians eat all the time, even the little kids.
      And it's banned in seventeen countries. You could be a criminal just
      for going to Quirm with a jar of it. How awesome is that?


      My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug – 23 Sept

      Nosers, your game is cheese fighting. My mum thinks it's disgusting,
      grown men forcing poor ol cheeses to fight like that, but I dunno,
      I reckon that it's only natral. A cheese sees another cheese, of
      course they're going to fight to see which one is the boss, so
      where's the harm? It's only cruel when the cheeses are completely
      mismatched, like a Lancre Blue against, well, anything.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept – 23 Oct

      Boring'uns, your game is "Mad Gods' Revenge", which is totally
      awesome, its my favourite game and much better than Dragon Smackdown
      cos you get to play one of the Gods and rain fire on your enemies
      and send floods, but not at the same time cos that doesn't work too
      well, that's like totally a newbie mistake. And you can send
      monsters to ravage the lands of your enemies and stuff. And the game
      is like totally safe because fifty cents from every game is donated
      to the Church of Blind Io to replace the lead on the roof. I dunno
      why Io needs the money, if I was a God I'd just like snap my fingers
      and fix the church roof, but I suppose what with sending plagues of
      frogs to Klatch and fighting the Ice Giants meybe he doesn't have


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct – 22 Nov

      Andies, the game for you is Agatean Whispers. This is a great game
      cos it doesn't cost anything and you get to make people laugh and
      maybe really really upset somebody like maybe Lozza Turncote's
      stuck-up sister Scarlatina. All you have to do is when you and a lot
      of your mates are together you think of something to say about
      someone, it doesn't even have to be nasty, and then whisper it
      really fast in a mate's ear and tell them to pass it on and when it
      gets to the last person they have to say it aloud. Like frinstance
      if you said "Scarlatina's got a new bag" when it reaches the last
      person they might think they heard "Scarlatina snogged an old hag"
      or even something really funny or really rude. It doesn't always
      work and you might get a thick ear if you're the last person
      yourself and someone takes it persnally, but the really funny ones
      are worth it.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov – 21 Dec

      Spooners, your game is skully. Sometimes people call it poor man's
      golf, but I don't know about that, I reckon if I was rich I'd much
      rather play skully than golf. In golf, you just hit a little ball
      into a hole. Where's the fun in that? Bottlecaps are much more
      tricky, but if you hit them right they will spin though the air and
      go for *miles*. I once got triple points for bouncing my lucky
      bottlecap off CMOT Dibbler's head, through the open windows of a
      coach, and straight into ol Missus Runcible's cup of tea just as
      she was about to drink it. She wouldn't give me the cap back, the
      ol' cow, but it was worth it to see the look on Zapp's face.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec – 20 Jan

      Hokians, the game you get is Thud. But not the kind of Thud you play
      with a board and pieces, no, you get the modern one which is, wait
      for it, Thud by Clacks. It's totally amazing! Plus if you're playing
      against some huge troll up in the Uberwald Mountains where it's cold
      and the trolls are really smart, you're not there in person so you
      don't have to worry about getting your arms pulled off if you win.
      There's lots of games on the Clacks now, my faves are "Klatchian
      Campaign: D'reg Ops" and the one about Howondaland Smith's daughter
      "Aurora Smith, Barrow Basher". There's even an application in to
      have a Clacks Gamers guild all official like but Lord Vetinari
      hasn't said yes yet so for now they just call themselves The Guild.
      How cool is that?


      The Big Chicken 21 Jan – 18 Feb

      Squawkers, your game is dangerous games. Those are, well, dangerous,
      so I can't tell you about them first handed cos my mum would kill me
      if I played them and like got my head smashed in or got stuck in the
      Dungeon Dimensions, but lots of people have played games like
      Extreme Sneezing and lived to tell about them. I think the coolest
      dangerous game is Name That Dimension, you play it by going in and
      out of abandoned houses in Empirical Crescent. These days most of
      them are abandoned anyway. Watch out for the purple tentacled thing
      in the dining room of number 22. Or maybe it's number 33, not sure.


      Hyperopia's Buckle (formerly Lesser Umbrage) 19 Feb – 20 Mar

      Bucklers, your game is foot-the-ball, or football as they call it
      now, which is pretty awesome but the best bit is that if you are a
      really good player they put your picture on the football cards and
      you can collect the whole set of cards and swap them with your
      friends. I've got practicly the whole set of the UU team, I just
      need the Librarian card so if anyone has one I can swap you three
      cards from the Brazeneck University team, but not "Gloomy Trousers"
      Slivovitzky, cos I reckon he's awesome even if he is playing for the
      wrong team.



      The long-awaited reboot of Tomb Raider, under the guiding hand of
      head writer Pratchett the Younger, is finally out – and the
      reaction is resoundingly positive everywhere! Here be a small
      sampling of current reviews...

      On gaming site IGN:

      "Tomb Raider is a little self-indulgent at the beginning – the
      first hour is a sequence of carefully scripted set-pieces and, yes,
      a cavalcade of button-mashing QTEs. But it's all for the sake of
      character development, and Tomb Raider is so good at this that
      you'll forgive the strict direction – especially after the game
      opens out past the 60-minute mark and lets you loose on the island.
      Camilla Luddington's performance as Croft is impressively
      convincing, and throughout this adventure you'll really feel for
      Lara – she is just not having a good time out there. It is a
      compelling reading of the character; we see Lara's vulnerability,
      but she is never disempowered, and never less than totally capable
      in extreme danger... Building Lara's skills and upgrading her
      weapons with salvage proves unexpectedly gratifying. By the later
      stages of Tomb Raider's story her arsenal rivals that of a small
      guerrilla army, and she's equally deadly in hand-to-hand combat. But
      for most of the game, Lara has to work with what she's got... Once
      it gets going, Tomb Raider is high-octane and squeezes your
      adrenaline gland dry, but it's also got great variety and pacing.
      There are quiet, tense moments inbetween the combat-heavy setpieces,
      and you're never in the same place doing the same thing twice...
      traditional Tomb Raider exploration takes a back seat to the
      storyline in the main campaign, so it's great to see it shine in the
      secret tombs. Lara's love for archaeology and geeky fascination with
      ancient civilisations shows through when she's poring over relics
      and ancient structures, despite the hardship she has to endure...
      Tomb Raider is well-written, sympathetic, exciting, beautiful and
      just incredibly well-made..."


      In Escapist Magazine:

      "The Tomb Raider games have always been about exploration,
      platforming, combat and puzzle-solving, but Lara's adventures had
      become so over the top and cartoonish that it was tough to take
      them, or her, very seriously. This new version of her story keeps
      the basics while stripping away most of the glitz, leaving an
      experience that's much more focused, while still being true to the
      Tomb Raider spirit. Locations are crammed with hidden goodies like
      treasure maps, GPS caches, and journals, as well as boxes full of
      experience points or salvage. Collecting enough experience nets you
      a Skill Point that you can put towards survival or combat abilities;
      salvage is the currency you use to purchase upgrades for your bow,
      axe, pistol, rifle and shotgun. The progression of skills is
      relatively simple and slow-paced – you can't suddenly do bullet
      time backflips and take out an entire army of enemies, or anything
      – but the simplified evolution of abilities works well with the
      stripped down nature of the game... Tomb Raider wouldn't work if you
      didn't care about Lara. And at first, you don't. When the game
      begins, she's a bit of a killjoy, so obsessed with her work that she
      almost forgets how to deal with actual people. But once things get
      grim and she's forced to face the fact that help isn't coming, her
      humanity is touching to see. We see her in a way we never have
      before – vulnerable and real. Other Tomb Raider titles have
      focused on bits and pieces of Lara's personal history, but she's
      never been so truly human as she is in this latest incarnation..."


      In The Independent:

      "Rhianna Pratchett, award-winning video games scriptwriter and
      narrative designer, was the woman tasked, along with developers
      Crystal Dynamics, with bringing a new Lara to a new audience – as
      well as to the masses who have got to know her over the past 17
      years. 'I think everyone's aware of Lara, in the same way that
      everyone's aware of Beyonce or the Queen – even my mum knows who
      Lara Croft is, although predominantly because my dad played the
      first three Tomb Raiders – he spent many happy hours following
      Lara Croft's bottom around,' she says... 'We took a bit of a risk in
      showing her being uncertain, being scared, and looking to others for
      help, which isn't normally what you'd expect from Lara Croft. We
      tried to look at all the traits that people associate with her –
      bravery, tenacity, resourcefulness – and rewind. Those traits are
      still there but they're buried below the surface so they come out
      during the game. Even she's not aware of them and she wrestles with
      what she discovers about the world and what she discovers about
      herself. She's not always comfortable with it.' ...She believes that
      Lara's vulnerability as a teenage girl makes her later evolution
      more impressive, even if creating a back-story that went against the
      existing Tomb Raider mythology was daunting..."




      Once again we'd like to remind you that the world stage premiere of
      Good Omens takes place next month in Glasgow:

      When: 20th-24th and 27th-30th March 2013
      Venue: Cottiers Bar, Restaurant & Theatre, 93-95 Hyndland St,
      Glasgow G11 5PU
      Tickets: £3.00-£5.00 To book, ring the theatre box office (0141
      357 4000), or to book online go to:


      For more information, go to:


      And finally, eagle-eyed Discworld fan Karen Screen has this to say:

      "Was watching one of those Crime shows the other night and it seems that Granny Weatherwax has been keeping a secret, because in Iowa USA, in the Sheriffs dept is a Chief Weatherwax. I was very shocked to hear this. I wonder how many others are out there..."

      That wraps it up for the short month of February. See you next
      month, so get your Soul Cake Duck eggs ready to roll!

      – Annie Mac


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2013 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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