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WOSSNAME -- November 2012 -- Your monthly Discworld horoscope

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    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion November 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 11, Post 5) ******************************************** 01) EDITOR S NOTE
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 29, 2012
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      November 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 11, Post 5)

      01) EDITOR'S NOTE
      03) CLOSE



      In December, there will be reviews – of A Blink of the Screen, of
      The Compleat Ankh-Morpork, or Turtle Recall, of Discworld plays
      productions, and much more. But for now, as the last day of November
      draws to a close and the Roundworld holiday madness and shopping
      frenzy begins, I would like to make one very heartfelt

      The! Compleat!! Ankh-Morpork!!! With multiple exclamation marks!!!!

      Seriously, O Readers. If you only buy one Discworld product this
      season, make it that one. This is an astonishingly fine production,
      both artwork and text, and ought to grace every mantelpiece at this
      time of year. Just buy it. And no, I'm not getting paid to say this.
      All the rest of the new releases are great (I am assuming you
      already have your copies of Dodger or have been assured they'll be
      waiting under the tree for you at the appropriate time), but The
      Compleat Ankh-Morpork is a triumph and delight that can be enjoyed
      for years to come. Go on, you know you want to!

      – Annie Mac, Editor


      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends! It is I, Fernando Magnifico, currently
      returning to Ankh-Morpork from Brindisi after dealing with the
      terrible family crisis about Auntie Maria's sauce. My friends, Lady
      Anaemia Asterisk is not able to write the horoscopes this month, due
      to armadillos, but do not be afeared, for Fernando will be your
      horoscoper this month.

      My friends, coming back to Brindisi has reminded Fernando how much
      he misses the most excellente food of Brindisi and Genua. Ankh-
      Morpork is the wonderful city, but, really, tinned bully beef,
      boiled cabbage and knuckle sandwiches? Fernando knows the peoples of
      Ankh-Morpork think a steaming bowl of Slumpie with Distressed
      Pudding to finish is the height of grande cuisine, but if we are
      going to be the truthful, my friends, we admit that height runs in
      two directions and Ankh-Morporkian cuisine is not, as they say, at
      the upper end. So this month, Fernando consults with the stars, and
      his Auntie Maria, for suggestions and recipe tips to help improve
      your cooking!

      [Note for Roundworld readers: while we have taken every effort to
      confirm that Fernando's recipes work as expected on the Discworld,
      the lack of Narrativium and a magical field mean that we cannot
      guarantee that the recipes will behave as expected on Roundworld. Or
      even be safe for human consumption. – The Editor.]

      Ciao bella!


      The Currant Bun (formerly The Adamant Hedgehog) 21 Mar – 20 Apr

      Bunnies, your cooking tip for this month is hardly cooking at all,
      for it is how to prepare the most excellente salad, Brindisian
      style, so simple that even the Brindisian men folks can do it! First
      you must start with the salad greens. There are the many different
      types of lettuce, you can use any of them (although Fernando
      suggests you avoid the Sto Lat Bitey, as it tends to eat the rest of
      the salad). But no cabbage! Cabbage is the fine vegetable, my
      friends, but it is not for the salad. Chop up some ripe tomatoes,
      add a few of the bocconcini cheeses or chunks of the baby Mozzarella
      (do not worry my friends, it is not cruel, they hardly feel a
      thing), perhaps the few slices of the red capsicum and a handful of
      olives, then a splash of the olive oil and vinegar (red wine vinegar
      for preference, but cider vinegar will do), mix well, and you will
      have the salad fit for a Brindisian King!


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr – 21 May

      Sandies, the stars tell Fernando that your cooking tip is to make
      the new invention from Ankh-Morpork itself, the deep-fried dripping
      sandwich. My friends, a couple of deep-fried dripping sandwiches on
      the cold winter day will stick to your ribs and keep the Morporkian
      winter chill out, trust Fernando on this. Take the large pot of oil
      and gently bring it to the boil. While that is happening, prepare
      your favourite batter, spread a generous amount of dripping on some
      bread, and top with a second slice. Once the oil begins to bubble,
      batter the dripping sandwich, place it in the wire basket, and lower
      it gently into the oil to cook for a couple of minutes. But watch
      out for splashes, especially if you are like Fernando and prefer to
      do your cooking "au naturale" as they say, excuse my Quirmian.


      The Knotted String (formerly Herne the Hunted) 22 May – 21 Jun

      Knotties, let Fernando and the stars pass on to you the secret for
      making the most excellente roasted chickens, Brindisian style. But
      beware, for this is not for those with the delicate stomachs,
      neither for the invalids and the small childrens, for this is the
      hot chilli style. After eating one of these, you too will have the
      red-hot blood like the Brindisians! Take your cleaned bird and split
      it down the middle along the breast bone. Spread it out and cover in
      ground hot chillies, red wine, finally chopped garlic, herbs and
      more chillies. Let the chicken marinate for a few hours, then roast
      in the oven as usual. Did Fernando mention the hot chillies? Trust
      Fernando on this, there is nothing like eating the hot and spicy
      bird to clear out the tubes.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun – 22 Jul

      Staffies, while Fernando is sure that many of you have the good
      cooking skills, unfortunately even more of you can barely make
      yourself the cup of tea even if someone else boils the water first.
      But do not be afeared my friends, for if you listen carefully to
      Fernando and the stars, you too will be able to, well, if not quite
      cook, at least make yourself the cup of tea. There are, of course,
      the many styles of making tea. There is the "old boot" style, where
      you take the handful of tea leaves, toss them in an old boot (for
      preference, an old army boot), and boil until the leather is soft
      enough to eat. Toss the boot away, and you have the perfect cup of
      tea just as His Grace Commander Sir Samuel Vimes would drink it. For
      those of the more delicate taste, leave out the boot, add the tea
      leaves to the freshly boiling water after straining out any newts,
      and allow the tea leaves to stew for a few minutes.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul – 23 Aug

      Bilians, in these multicultural times you never know when you may
      find yourself preparing a meal for Dwarfs. You can show your
      cultural sensitivity by preparing a meal for them in their native
      style. Here is how to cook stuffed rat, Dwarfish style. Take a dozen
      cleaned and shaved rats and one loaf of the genuine Dwarf Bread,
      none of that rubbish made from plaster. Using the hammer and chisel,
      break the dwarf bread into the pieces small enough to stuff into the
      rats. Season well with salt, pepper, garlic and chopped parsley.
      Place in a large casserole dish with a bottle of ale. Help yourself
      to a bottle while you're working. Bake, covered, for five hours. Add
      four chopped onions and another bottle of ale, plus one for the
      cook. Return rats to the oven for a further five hours. Add another
      couple of bottles of ale, one for the rats, one for the cook. Bake
      another five hours. Continue in this way every five hours until the
      rats are tender or the cook can no longer stand, whichever happens
      first. Serve piping hot with a sprig of fresh parsley and a large
      tankard of ale. After the meal, separate the pieces of dwarf bread
      from the left-overs, as they are good for filling potholes.


      My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug – 23 Sept

      Nosers, your recipe tip this month is the healthy apple jelly made
      from apples. Mostly apples. My friends, this is the especially good
      treat for the small childrens when they are over excited, a bowl or
      two of this and they will sleep the sleep of the innocent, possible
      for two or three days. Take four pounds of good tart cooking apples,
      unpeeled and uncored. Chop into quarters, mix with three cups water
      and one cup cider vinegar. Add cinnamon, allspice, the juice of one
      lemon, and bring to the boil. Simmer gently for 20 minutes. Strain
      the juice out, add four cups of sugar and mix well. Don the
      protective clothing, available for reasonable prices from swamp-
      dragon fanciers, and very carefully add one half cup of best quality
      scumble to the juice. Make sure you are using a copper pan, you know
      what scumble does to iron. Boil for a further 10 minutes or until
      the fumes become overpowering. Allow the jelly to set, and serve
      with cream. Keep away from naked flames.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept – 23 Oct

      Boring'uns, there is only so long that a person can live on the weak
      milky tea, the boiled cabbage, and the plain lettuce salads. Even
      the Boring'uns sometimes has the craving for something a little more
      exciting, even exotic. So listen to Fernando as he tells you two
      exotic words: Boiled. Rice. Yes my friends, you too can learn to
      make the boiled rice, just like the Agateans do. Start with a pot of
      water. Bring it to the boil. Add your rice, and cook until done. Be
      careful about overdoing it my friends, for today it is boiled rice,
      and tomorrow it could be fried rice, and then where would you be?
      Trust Fernando, for this is so!


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct – 22 Nov

      Andies, Fernando has checked his star charts, and checked them
      again, and even the third time, and he is afraid that he has the bad
      news, for there can be no doubt – your cooking tips are about the
      Quirmian cooking. Huh, they call it cooking, but let Fernando tell
      you, it is hardly worthy of the name. They cut the garlic up the
      wrong way, and use the wrong sorts of onions, and don't get Fernando
      started about the cheese! And the avec! It's avec with this, and
      avec with that! And they deliberately use the confusing language, as
      in the saying "fines herbes" when they simply mean good tasting
      herbs, or "confit" when they simply mean "cooked in something gooey
      until it falls apart and goes all runny and then stored in the runny
      goo". My friends, there's hardly anything to be said for the
      Quirmian cooking tips. Take any old slop, toss in the double-handful
      of avec, and as quick as a Quirmian footsballer can fake being
      injured to get the free penalty shot, you have the Quirmian cooking.
      Fernando is so very sorry.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov – 21 Dec

      Spooners, it is one of those little jokes of the Gods that your
      cooking tip is all about the soup. Which you eat with the spoon.
      (Feel fortunate that, as Godly jokes go, this one has no rains of
      fire.) So listen very carefully to Fernando: the secret to the good
      soup is not to hurry it. If you just boil up your ingredients the
      quickly, you will get soup, but it will be the thin, mild soup,
      suitable only for Boring'uns. For the most excellente flavourful
      soup, be prepared to leave it simmering on the low heat for the many
      hours. Fernando's Auntie Maria sometimes would keep a pot of soup
      simmering for three days. She would guard it night and day to stop
      anyone sneaking a taste before it was ready. As a small boy,
      Fernando would often get the wooden spoon rapped over his knuckles.
      But it was worth it, for when the soup was finally ready Auntie
      Maria would give Fernando the first bowl of piping hot soup with the
      thick slice of crusty bread.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec – 20 Jan

      Hokians, your cooking tip is how to turn the common banananananana
      into the meal fit for the king. First, take your banananananana to
      the Unseen University Library, and say to the Librarian, "Mr
      Librarian, I shall give you this fine banananananana which has
      hardly any bruises at all to you in exchange for a bag of sugared
      peanuts." Then take that bag of peanuts to Sator Square, where you
      will find C.M.O.T. Dibbler, to whom you will say "Throat, I will
      barter this bag of peanuts, with nearly all of the sugar left on
      them, for one of your fine sausages-inna-bun with mustard." In this
      way, by the carefully "trading up" as they say each time, in just
      six or seven months you will have exchanged a common banananananana
      for a seven course meal at La Mere des Dieux aux Grands Seins.


      The Big Chicken 21 Jan – 18 Feb

      Squawkers, your cooking tip from the stars is for not so much the
      cooking as the baking. And what could be more basic to the art of
      the baking than making a cake? Many peoples think that the baking of
      cakes is the molto complicated, but trust Fernando, if you follow
      this basic recipe you will not fail! First you beat 3/4 cup of sugar
      with 1/4 cup of butter, then beat in one teaspoon of the vanilla
      essence. Then take two eggs of the hen, one cup of ordinary flour,
      two teaspoons of the baking powder (Fernando is told that Morpork
      Bakeries, the traditional figgineers in Morpork Street, make the
      best baking powders) and 1/2 teaspoon of salt, and mix these into
      the first mixture in the alternating batches. Last of all take the
      half cup of the fresh milk and stir it in. When your cake batter is
      smooth as the skin of a Brindisian senorita, pour into your baking
      dish and bake until done. If the cake is crunchy, you forgot to
      separate the eggs from the egg shells. See? Simple. Trust Fernando,
      for this is so!


      Hyperopia's Buckle (formerly Lesser Umbrage) 19 Feb – 20 Mar

      Bucklers, you are known for your tendency to enjoy molto
      enthusiastic celebrations, especially if they involve the exciting
      "grog" or even the Special Sheep Liniment, so you will be pleased to
      hear that your recipe tip this month is for Party Punch, so called
      because the parties with the Party Punch often end up with the
      lawyers getting involved because the party of the first part punched
      the party of the second part. According to legends the original
      Party Punch was invented in Klatchistan from the fermented palm sap,
      spiced tea, sugar, water, and the juice of lemon, and punch purists
      will tell you that true Party Punch always will have only five
      ingredients, but punch *drinkers* will tell you that any number of
      ingredients is molto bene so long as the final concoction is tasty
      and doesn't burn holes in the host's carpet. There are many Party
      Punch recipes to choose from, from the Genuan Rum Punch to the
      classic Brindisian Sangria Punch to the famous Agatean Wedding Punch
      which includes the Barking Dog fireworks powder. There are even the
      recipes for the alcohol-free punch, but Fernando knows you have no
      interest in those! But the Party Punch that is most appropriate for
      Bucklers is the recipe known as Rubbish Bin Punch. First you need a
      30-gallon rubber rubbish bin (new is best of course), as sold by the
      Wallace Sonky factory at very good prices. Then you take the
      following ingredients with your bin to the party: ten bottles of
      light rum, ten bottles of dark rum, four bottles of orange liqueur,
      three stones of firm fruit and ten pounds of stone fruit, three
      gallons of orange juice, three gallons pineapple juice, thirty cups
      of fresh lime juice, ten cups of pomegranate syrup, five tablespoons
      of Wow-Wow Sauce, and a very large bottle of maraschino cherries.
      Mix all together, steal a few cases of beer to drink while the punch
      is marinating, and you and several hundred friends will be
      guaranteed of the good time!


      03) CLOSE

      And that's it from us – finally! – for November. Now to see if I
      can have a few quiet days before yet more Pterry news comes over the
      Clacks... See you next month!

      – Annie Mac


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2012 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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