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WOSSNAME -- May 2012 -- Monthly Discworld horoscope, late breaking news

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    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion May 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 5, Post 2) ******************************************** 1) EDITOR S NOTE 2) YOUR
    Message 1 of 1 , May 28 8:25 PM
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      May 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 5, Post 2)

      1) EDITOR'S NOTE
      4) CLOSE



      We've some late breaking news items of note this month, starting
      with a prestigious gong – "Terry Pratchett: Choosing to Die" has
      now scored a hat trick of awards after winning this year's
      prestigious Single Documentary BAFTA award at yesterday's awards
      ceremony in London. The programme, produced by KEO North for BBC
      Scotland, had already received the 2011 BAFTA Scotland Single
      Documentary award for the best Scottish documentary film produced in
      2011 and was the 2011 Royal Television Society Programme Awards
      winner for best single documentary. Many congratulations to all
      involved for this uncompromising and thought- provoking film!

      To view the presentation of the award, Sir Pterry's acceptance
      speech, and the live interview afterwards, go to:


      In the press:

      "Newsreader Kate Silverton presented the Single Documentary award to
      BBC2's Terry Pratchett: Choosing To Die – the best-selling author's
      examination of euthanasia. Pratchett, who has been diagnosed with
      Alzheimer's, thanked the BBC for 'allowing us to tackle this rather
      strange subject for a documentary'. He also paid tribute to the
      family of Peter Smedley who allowed the documentary film to show his
      final days in the run-up to his death at a clinic. 'It turned us
      about a bit but we saw what happened and so did you,' Pratchett


      Assorted Team Pratchett members at the 2012 BAFTA awards:

      Rob holding something shiny:

      In closing: The Long Earth is a fast, exciting piece of
      storytelling, and having read it last night, I can hardly wait for
      the next volume! Fascinating ideas, great imagery, and some very
      memorable characters. So place your orders now, O Readers, and stay
      tuned for a full review next month.

      And now, on with the horoscope! And don't forget to read on for news
      about a live gig, a travelling company of players, some interesting
      iconographs, and convention updates...

      – Annie Mac, Editor


      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando Magnifico, and I shall be
      your astrologer this month for the bella donna Lady Anaemia Asterisk
      is not available due to a bad case of succotash!

      Fernando is the very charitable person, always willing to give the
      small donation of moneys, time or even the close personal attention
      (if you know what Fernando means) to the deserving poor and lonely.
      He understands that there are the many charities and good works that
      people support, such as the Sunshine Sanctuary for dragons, the
      Spiteful Sisters of Seven Handed Sek, and the Lady Sybil Free
      Hospital. With so many choices, how do you know which charity is the
      right one for you? Listen very carefully, for Fernando has consulted
      the stars to answer this question, and in doing so, he has made the
      magnificent discovery – not as magnificent as Fernando himself,
      but still magnificent, for last week Great A'Tuin's flipper battered
      not one, but TWO stars, which bounced around the constellations like
      the trick shot on a Genuan snooker table. As a consequence, there is
      now the new Sign in the Zodiac, and the return of the long gone, but
      not forgotten, old Sign!

      Fernando is the careful and accurate astrologer, unlike those other
      insensato so-called astrologers of the Guild of Prognosticators,
      Soothsayers, Fortune-tellers, Oneiromancers, Haruspices and Cunning-
      Men (divers wizards, witches, priests, priestess and Mrs Cake
      exempted) who would not recognise a new constellation if they hit
      their heads on it! While they are still scratching their stupido
      heads trying to work out how many flippers Great A'Tuin has,
      Fernando has already calculated the changes to the horoscoping for
      this month! Read on, my friends, read on to learn which of the signs
      have changed.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar – 20 Apr

      Your charity: The Indigent Ex-Millionaires Association

      Hoggers, there is much poverty and misery in the world, as Fernando
      knows, but there are also the many charities for the relief of
      poverty, such as the Skeleton Army, Bread For The Disc, and the
      Gherkin Welfare Trust. But my friends, have you ever stopped to
      think about the most wretched of all, the former millionaires who
      have lost most of their money in poor investments? Fernando knows
      that the "Skellies" are always there with a grin and a bowl of gruel
      for the poor, but who can the former millionaires turn to for a six-
      course banquet with three types of wine and brandy for afters? Have
      pity for these poor souls who have lived like kings, now condemned
      to a life of middle-class mediocrity, moderately-priced steak once a
      week, and the affordable sparkling wine imported from Fourecks. It's
      a hard life, but thanks to Hoggers and the Indigent Ex-Millionaires
      Association, you can bring some relief to these poor miserable
      wretches in their four bedroom houses on Moon Pond Lane.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr – 21 May

      Your charity: People for the Ethical Treatment of Imps

      The stars tell us that there is a great scandal going on this very
      moment! Every minute, dozens of imp-powered devices such as
      iconographs, dis-organisers and egg-beaters are thrown away when the
      owner no longer has the need of them, the imps left to just slowly
      fade away from the hunger and neglect. Sandies, don't let this
      happen, for your charity is PETI, People for the Ethical Treatment
      of Imps. PETI promises to find loving homes for abandoned, unwanted
      and annoying imps. Homes where the little magical creatures can
      frolic in the sunshine making bingly-bingly beep noises until their
      spells eventually run out. And for the mere 97.2% of imps that
      cannot be placed in such a loving home, PETI promises them a humane
      and usually painless end with a half-brick.


      The Knotted String (formerly Herne the Hunted) 22 May – 21 Jun

      Your charity: The Society for the Prevention of Animals

      My friends, the Knotted String is back! It has been eight years
      since the Knotted String was in the Zodiac, in the position now
      occupied by the Big Chicken. Of course, it is a slightly different
      knot, what with the bouncing of stars around, and former Hernians,
      currently Knotties, will find their former tendencies to be
      sensitive-skinned and self-indulgent yet pragmatic having the change
      to become more, how do they say it in Morporkian, devil-may-care and
      dashing. Of course Hernians were always dashing, but more the
      dashing away from things kind of dashing, capisce? Now, my friends,
      you may find yourselves more likely to sashay, to strike dramatic
      poses at social events, and to do the thing with the attractive
      female, the dark night, the high window and the box of chocolates.
      The stars move in mysterious ways, cara mia!

      Knotties, your charity is strongly influenced by your previous sign,
      for Herne the Hunted is the god of small furry things which go
      squeak. It is a hard, dangerous, and most commonly *short* life for
      such piccolo animals, whose life is so often filled with such
      cruelty to make even the heartless Quirmian footsball supporter
      weep. And so it is that your charity is the Society for the
      Prevention of Animals, which campaigns to end the cruel and
      miserable lives of animals everywhere. For if there are no animals,
      there can be no cruelty to them. Trust Fernando, for this is so!


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun – 22 Jul

      Your charity: The Society for the Promotion of Naturalist Groups

      My friends, the tendency for Staffies to make excellent wizards is
      well-known, but what is less well-known here in Ankh-Morpork is that
      Staffies also make the molto excellente druids and shamans. And so
      it is that the stars tell Fernando that your charity is SPONG, or
      the Society for the Promotion of Naturalist Groups. Fernando knows
      very well that SPONG is the tireless supporter of nudists, organic
      foodies, ramblers, lizard-pressers, sports-fishermen, and the lovers
      of nature of all kinds. Except perhaps those who take "lovers" the
      wrong way, if you understand Fernando, mia cara.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul – 23 Aug

      Your charity: Friends of the Disc

      Bilians, in these modern times there is much of the progress, but
      some peoples feel that the cost of these progresses is too high if
      it brings the harm to the world's resources. Friends of the Disc, or
      FOTD, believe that the Disc itself is the more molto importante than
      the peoples who dwell on it. FOTD is opposed to the rich countrys
      such as Ankh-Morpork and Quirm exploiting unspoilt areas, and also
      opposed to the exploiting of the non-human species, and also
      concerned for the protection of the endangered sea-dwelling
      creatures (though not the Sea Trolls because they protect themselves
      very well without the assistance and are prone to endangering FOTD
      members when bothered by them), and of course they are opposed to
      war because it uses up resources and usually results in exploiting
      the non-human species. So Bilians, FOTD is the charity that suits
      you best!


      My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug – 23 Sept

      Your charity: The Home for Tired and Clapped Out Clacksmen

      Fernando knows that Nosers are known for many magnificent
      characteristics (although not as magnificent as Fernando, so few
      people are, but do not feel the ashamed my friends, for there is
      only one Fernando and he is he), but the strong affinity for the
      mechanical devices is not usually one of them. Especially now that
      the star known as the Lesser Pimple has been bumped out of the
      constellation and is currently orbiting around Jerakeen. And so it
      is somewhat surprising that the stars tell Fernando that your
      charity is the Home for Tired and Clapped Out Clacksmen. (But not
      surprising to Fernando, who knows that the stars often do these
      surprising things!) My friends, with your generous support, old
      clacksmen in their twenties who "burn out" as they say can enjoy
      their final decades in comfort.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept – 23 Oct

      Your charity: Campaign for Magical Disarmament

      Fernando knows that Boring'uns know better than many the dire threat
      that magical warfare posses to us all. There are still those who
      remember when the Sourcerer all but destroyed Ankh-Morpork, although
      not the wizards who assure us that they were all out of town
      visiting aunts in the country at the time. But even the warfare
      between ordinary wizards is of the molto serious danger to
      civilians! The Campaign for Magical Disarmament, or CMD, warns that
      Krull is now in possession of spells which can kill people and turn
      the buildings to custard. And it is not just the threat of magical
      war, but of accidents too. Fernando remembers very well when the
      former Dean of Unseen University accidentally turned an entire row
      of houses invisible. It took the intervention of the Patrician to
      fix this, with the University insisting that they could not see the


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct – 22 Nov

      Your charity: Hands Across the Ramtops

      Fernando prefers to make the love, not the war. Andies, the stars
      tell Fernando that you too prefer to see the groups of many peoples
      from all nationalities doing the same, instead of the usual battles.
      And so it is that your charity is Hands Across the Ramtops, the
      group formed to encourage international friendship and good
      relations between Ankh-Morpork and the Hubland Steppes. Fernando
      thinks that it is better to have the good relations than the hordes
      of barbarians looting and pillaging everywhere they go, and that is
      only young Morporkians on their "Grand Sneer". Ha ha, Fernando makes
      the little joke. In recent years, Hands Across the Ramtops has also
      started the good relations with Uberwald and Borogravia, which makes
      Fernando very pleased, for is it not said that in the good personal
      friendships, the more the merrier?


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov – 21 Dec

      Your charity: Little Timmy

      Spooners, your charity is Little Timmy, the organisation responsible
      for the "Little Timmy Alert" which is sent out to alert the Watch
      and community groups whenever a particularly annoying or obnoxious
      child comes into an area. No more do you have to fear having your
      front door pelted with rotten eggs, or having stones sling-shotted
      through your windows, by the little cherub-faced small childrens who
      look like butter wouldn't melt in their mouths but have the soul of
      the diavolo!


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec – 20 Jan

      Your charity: Touched by the Bladder

      Hokians, your charity is one which, Fernando is sad to say, may be
      very emotional for you, for your preferred charity is Touched by the
      Bladder. No my friends, this is not for the sufferers from
      incontinence, but is the organisation giving support to those
      incapacitated with nervousness from encounters with Fools and
      Clowns. It is a little known fact that nearly six out of every ten
      people helped by Touched by the Bladder are former or current
      members of the Fools Guild or their immediate families.


      The Big Chicken 21 Jan – 18 Feb

      Your charity: The Old Dears Preservation Society

      Fernando knows that a nation's personality depends on its history.
      Quirm, for instance, has the history of cheating at footsball, which
      is why they are the nation of dirty footsball cheats, while Brindisi
      has the great and glorious history of the greatness and glory. My
      friends, listen to Fernando for he knows this is true, it is molto
      importante for the nation to remember its history, which is why the
      stars tell Fernando that your charity is the preservation and
      restoration of old relics and ruins in Ankh-Morpork: the Old Dears
      Preservation Society. Where would Ankh-Morpork be without the old
      dears hitting people with their umbrellas? Probably less bruised, as
      Fernando knows, but also the large piece of history would be gone.
      With the old dears gone, who would remember the traditional
      Morporkian Sunday afternoon traditions of bacon and banananana cream
      pie, a small sherry, followed by many more small sherries, and
      inciting the men to "give that Darlene's hubby a right seeing to, or
      there's cold tongue for you"? Such fine old practices need to be


      Hyperopia's Buckle (formerly Lesser Umbrage) 19 Feb – 20 Mar

      Your charity: The Rational Trust

      Umbragians, or *former* Umbragians, congratulations are in order,
      for you have the brand new constellation, never before seen, and you
      learned of it here first thanks to Fernando's most magnificent
      astrological calculations! The Lesser Umbrage has been nudged out of
      the Zodiac to make way for the replacement constellation,
      Hyperopia's Buckle, named after Hyperopia the Goddess of Shoes. (My
      friends, let Fernando tell you how fortunate you are, for were it
      not for the addition of an extra star and the rotation of three
      others, your sign would have been The Feegle's Armpit, which is not
      something Fernando would wish on his worst enemy. Well, perhaps
      Carlos, but Fernando will not speak of Carlos again.)

      Bucklers, your charity is the Rational Trust, which is a group that
      aims to raise awareness and funds for the preservation of good
      brains for future generations. Of course it is run by Igors. If you
      find yourselves too busy to work for the Trust, make sure that you
      encourage your friends, neighbours and workmates – at least the
      clever ones – to will their brains to the Rational Trust Think
      Tank (lower rear entrance, Forbidding Castle, Weirdbergen,
      Uberwald), for a good brain is hard to find. Trust Fernando, for
      this is so!




      Taunton Thespians will be presenting an outdoor touring production
      of Lords and Ladies in various locations around Somerset next month
      – including, of course, Wincanton.

      Venues and dates:
      Tuesday 12th Bishop's Hull House
      Wednesday 13th Nynehead Court
      Thursday 14th Mount Somerset Hotel
      Friday 15th Hartwood House
      Saturday 16th Balsam Centre
      Tuesday 19th Maunsel House
      Wednesday 20th Muchelney Abbey
      Thursday 21st The Museum of Somerset, Taunton
      Saturday 23rd Cleeve Abbey

      Tickets: £10 adults, £9 over-60s, and £4 under-16s and the
      unemployed, with a £1 discount per ticket for each one bought in
      advance. Available at the Brewhouse Theatre and Arts Centre
      (01823-283244), Taunton Tourist Information Centre (01823-336344) or
      online at the Taunton Thespians' website (see below).

      Tickets are valid for any performance, so in case of a rained-out
      performance your ticket can be used at a different venue.



      For our readers in the UK, and those planning to visit: remember,
      the 2012 Hay Festival is on from 31st May to 10th June, and Sir
      Pterry is one of the guest lecturers. He'll be discussing his career
      and his battle with Alzheimer's. This is listed in the programme as
      event 279.

      When: Wednesday 6th June
      Venue: Barclays Pavilion
      Time: 5.30pm
      Tickets: £7.25, available from the Hay Festival Box Office, The
      Drill Hall, 25 Lion Street, Hay-on-Wye HR3 5AD (phone: 01497 822



      A look at The Compleat Ankh-Morpork cover (due out on 8th November):


      Messrs Pratchett and Baxter looking pleased during an interview for
      The Long Earth:



      An announcement from the Wizards in Charge of the 2012 UU Convivium:

      Dear Ladies, Gentlemen, and Students,

      Time has crept up on us! Well, I guess considering he used to be
      both a thief and a history monk, we should have expected it, but
      there is now a mere few weeks remaining until the Unseen University
      Convivium begins – on July 6, 2012. Now is definitely the time for
      those last minute registrations, merchandise purchases and costume
      design sessions.


      June 6th

      * Convivium Exclusive t-shirt and scarf orders close. If you want to
      proclaim your wizardly nature, or wrap up warm for winter, be sure
      to get your order in!

      Buy: http://ausdwcon.org/pages/exclusive_merch

      June 22nd

      * Online Convivium registrations close. This is also the last date
      for Supporters to upgrade to an attending membership. Tickets will
      be available at the door, but they are more expensive!

      Buy: http://ausdwcon.org/memberships/new
      Info: http://ausdwcon.org/pages/membership

      * Gaudy Night ticket sales close. This is an extension kindly
      granted by the caterers. However, if you would like to go to the
      dinner and have dietary requirements, please register as soon as

      Buy: http://ausdwcon.org/gala_tickets/new
      Info including Menu: http://ausdwcon.org/pages/gala_dinner

      * Winery and Gourmet ticket sales close. Only a few seats remaining
      on both tours! Register early to guarantee your seat.

      Buy: http://ausdwcon.org/tours_tickets/new
      Info: http://ausdwcon.org/pages/tours

      July 5th

      * Transmogrification appointments must be completed. You can get
      your face or body painted by professional artists!

      Info & booking: http://ausdwcon.org/pages/bodypainting


      We now have a full and detailed programme of activities available
      for you to peruse. Read all about the activities at


      and see the new timetable at

      Some highlights:

      * Omniscope calls with Professor Sir Terry Pratchett, Bernard
      Pearson, Professor Ian Stewart and Doctor Jack Cohen

      * The Maskerade costume contest (Entry forms available here:


      * Troll Bridge – Behind the Scenes – from Snowgum Films'
      writer/director Daniel Knight

      * Performances by Unseen Theatre Company, folk singer Martin
      Pearson, and Matt Falloon and his Trained Balloons

      * Entrance Examination – a Discworld and Roundworld quiz

      * Games! Ankh-Morpork, Guards! Guards!, Werewolf, Thud, and more...

      * Try Wizarding children's activities (suitable for childish adults,

      We are also incredibly pleased to announce that Dymocks Adelaide and
      the Adelaide Comics Centre will have stalls selling books, comics
      and t-shirts at the Convivium.


      There are several jobs around the Convivium which still require your
      assistance! If you can help us out with any of the following, please
      send an email to the Librarian (uu.volunteers@...).

      * Technician for operation of audio equipment. We will have
      microphones, mixers, speakers etc all set up, but if you know how to
      use them and can help us, we'd greatly appreciate it!

      * Ops / Registration helpers
      * Bledlows (Security, First Aid)
      * General gophering

      Activity volunteers needed:

      * Entrance Exam (quiz) – judge, general gophers
      * Commencement (opening ceremony) – If you have a wizard costume and
      would like to be in the procession, let us know! (No acting
      * Games – supervisors, "Learn to play Thud" instructor, Werewolf
      game runners

      * Try Wizarding – assistants
      * Terry's Shorts – short story readers
      * The Great Debate – debaters, moderator. See


      Plans are well underway by the Dark Clerks for next year's Discworld
      Convention to be held in Melbourne. You can find the latest news and
      information and purchase tickets at


      The NAIV team are also holding a fundraising screening of "Cabin in
      the Woods", Joss Whedon's love letter to horror movies. This will be
      on Thursday, June 14 at Cinema Nova, 380 Lygon St, Carlton,

      You can find out more at
      and buy tickets at


      Thank you all for your support for the Unseen University Convivium.
      We hope it to be a smashing good time for you all.

      For those of you unable to attend, you can still adorn yourself like
      a wizard with our fantastic merchandise available at

      Use the code AFF30 for a 30% discount off your total (until 1st
      June, we think).

      Yours academically,

      Archchancellor Ridcully and the Faculty.

      Unseen University Convivium
      6-8 July 2012, University of Adelaide, South Australia, Roundworld.


      4) CLOSE

      And that's our lot for May. See you next month!

      – Annie Mac


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2012 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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