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WOSSNAME -- April 2012 - Your monthly Discworld horoscope

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    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion April 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 4, Post 4) ******************************************** 1) YOUR DISCWORLD
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 29, 2012
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      April 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 4, Post 4)

      2) CLOSE


      by Fernando Magnifico

      Editor's note: Last month, your horoscope included a recommendation
      that Andies invest in the Clacks Fortune Telling business started by
      the supposed Contessa Monalisa di Numinosa. Readers of the Ankh-
      Morpork Times will hardly have failed to notice the incredible
      events of the last 72 hours, starting with the dramatic revelation
      that the Contessa's real name is Edna Galosh (Miss), followed by the
      sudden collapse of her company, the recall of the Uberwaldian
      ambassador under scandalous circumstances, the midnight flight of
      Miss Galosh to Sto Kerrig, and her dramatic arrest by Captain Carrot
      on the steps of the Post Office as she attempted to post herself to
      Genua. Dear Readers, while we have great sympathy for those who
      rushed out to buy shares in the Clacks Fortune Telling Company,
      Fernando did express great scepticism and regardless of what the
      Inquirer says, we at WOSSNAME are not responsible for your losses.


      Buongiorno! The Lady Asterisk is not available due to a painfully
      swollen nostril, but do not be afeared, for it is I, Fernando
      Magnifico, and I shall be your astrologer this month!

      As Great A'Tuin travels across the cosmos, the stars' influence can
      change. Sometimes in the subtle ways, and sometimes with the great
      drama, as in the Great Growl Shift of 1517 when people born under
      the sign of The Cow Of Heaven suddenly became grumpy and
      disagreeable. And so it has been in the almost four years since
      Fernando last talked about the dealing with your family members.
      Fernando's many fans often stop him in the streets to ask him for
      the advice on dealing with family, and so Fernando has consulted
      with the stars for the latest, most up-to-date information about
      embarrassing family members.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar – 20 Apr

      Hoggers, the stars tell Fernando that your embarrassing family
      member is the rabid conservative, who is often your father or an
      elderly uncle. My friends, some people seek change, while others run
      from it with the speed of the small afeared forest gods. For the
      rabid conservative, change is something to be fought (unless it's
      the sort of change that sees "the wrong sort" being tarred and
      feathered). The phrase "if 'twere good enough for grandad 'tis good
      enough for me" is not just a slogan, it is the thing and the whole
      of the thing, as the Dwarfs might say. Whether it is writing the
      angry letter to the Times to complain about youngsters and their
      slang, or petitioning the Patrician to round up all the Kvetch and
      send them back to Borogravia, the rabid conservative is never happy
      unless he (and on occasione, she) is complaining about how things
      were better in the Good Old Days.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr – 21 May

      Sandies, your embarrassing family member is the socially awkward
      cousin, like Fernando's cousin Sforzando. My friends, most socially
      awkward people are shy and retiring, at least until you ask them
      about pins, but that is not the social awkwardness of which Fernando
      speaks. No my friends, those like Sforzando are cheerful and
      enthusiastic and do not understand the concept of personal space,
      they are always ready to push themselves onto you at the most
      difficult times, like the time Sforzando insisted on giving Fernando
      the hug while Fernando was in the bath.


      Herne the Hunted  22 May – 21 Jun

      My friends, the stars tell Fernando that your embarrassing relative
      is the bottler. Embarrassing, and dangerous, for the bottler is
      quiet and inoffensive right up to the moment that they "snap". The
      bottler's barely suppressed rage makes no exception even for family!
      One moment you are enjoying the family lunch with the big bowl of
      pasta, cheerfully arguing with Uncle Enzo about the re-introduction
      of slavery, and the next moment the pasta is thrown across the room
      and five of your cousins are trying to hold Consanguino back from
      stabbing cousin Mario with the bread knife over a carelessly tossed
      aside olive pit. But what can you do, my friends? He is family.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun – 22 Jul

      Staffies, your embarrassing relative is the nymphomaniac elderly
      aunt. My friends, Fernando has no shame for the elderly people who
      have the active love life, or even those who flirt with those
      younger than them. Fernando has learned the many things from the
      experienced older women. But there is a time and place, my friends,
      and at the funerals is neither, especially not when Aunt Frigidia
      tries to "chat up" as they say in Morporkian the widower, the
      priest, the mourners, and even the grave-digger. The worst part was,
      Fernando was the only one she did not put "the moves" on!


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul – 23 Aug

      As everyone knows, Bilians are fond of a drop or two of the vino,
      often followed by the great many more drops. And so it is hardly
      surprising that your embarrassing relative is the "wowser", or
      prohibitionist, like Fernando's Aunt Malvasia. My friends, a glass
      or two of what you fancy is good for the soul, and what is good for
      the soul is good for the body. But if you listen to Aunt Malvasia,
      you would never know this. It is the one thing to disapprove of
      Uncle Lambrusco who is the rude and aggressive drunk, but it is
      another thing to follow Grandmama around for twenty minutes
      lecturing her because she had the small sherry for Hogswatch.
      Fernando often wonders why Malvasia and Lambrusco ever got married
      in the first place.


      My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug – 23 Sept

      Nosers, your embarrassing relative is perhaps not so much
      embarrassing as disturbing. Fernando knows that the small childrens
      are supposed to be loud and easily excitable, with the tendency to
      picking their noses when they forget people are watching. But
      Fernando knows that there is something worrying about the child who
      at the age of four already insists on dressing for dinner, using the
      correct sort of fish fork, and being formally introduced by the
      traditional presentation of the calling cards before they will say a
      word. My friends, there is something worrying about a perfectly-
      mannered child with more etiquette than an Agatean Grand Vizier –
      Fernando cannot help wondering what unpleasantness they are


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept – 23 Oct

      Boring'uns are known for their strong sense of empathy for others,
      which is perhaps why it is the exhibitionists who are especially
      embarrassing for them: Boring'uns are uncomfortable with being the
      centre of attention and would rather spend a quiet time at home
      growing potatoes, and so the sight of the exhibitionist delighting
      to have all eyes on themselves is sure to provoke anxiety in the
      typical Boring'un. But not all, my friends, for the stars know that
      there are a few, and very few, Boring'uns who have the heart of the
      lion beating under their timid exterior, and it is they who will
      take the most vicarious pleasure in watching others do what they
      dream of, but never will, do. Perhaps this is why Fernando's
      Boring'un niece Credenza is such close friend to cousin Sveltina the
      Seamstress and her twin brother Svelto the rent-boy.


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct – 22 Nov

      Andies, the stars tell Fernando that you are often credulous and
      easily fooled. Fernando does not mean this as the insult, for he
      does not judge. None of us can help the way we are made, except
      perhaps the Igors, and it is the burden of Andies to have the strong
      tendency towards credulity. So my friends, understand that when
      Fernando says that your embarrassing relative is the gullible idiot,
      he is not talking about the *ordinary* credulity like carrying a
      lucky pressed lizard (lucky for you, not for the lizard) in your
      pocket, or buying the not-actually-diamond ring for $30. No,
      Fernando refers to people like his nephew Vincenzo who has never
      come across a tall tale, scam, rumour or self-appointed prophet he
      hasn't immediately taken to con molto gusto – whether it is the
      folktale that the insides of crocket balls are filled with the most
      poisonous substance on the Disc, the rumours that Queen Kelirehenna
      of Sto Lat is an elf, or guru Mahatma "Boots" Mabrolly's
      breathanairianism sect. He even believes the stories of the Ankh-
      Morpork talking dog!


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov – 21 Dec

      My friends, Fernando tries not to get involved with the politics,
      and so he is molto sympathetico to you, for your embarrassing
      relative is the angry radical political activist, like Fernando's
      young nephew Luca who insists on calling himself Uomo di Octoferro
      and is always going on about how the Octarine Brigade will end
      corruption, poverty, war and disease once all the bankers are hung
      and the people have their eyes opened. Let Fernando give you the
      word of advice: find an excuse to get your radical nephew talking to
      the conservative uncle, stand back, and enjoy the fireworks.


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec – 20 Jan

      Hokians, your embarrassing relative is the boring pedant. Fernando
      understands how frustrating it can be to be trying to tell the funny
      joke about the bishop and the actress, only to have Uncle Umbragio
      interrupt to question whether the actress was a music hall or
      theatre actress, and then to explain that under the 3rd Reform of
      1796 the priest's rank could have been no higher than a deacon. Not
      only does it spoil the joke, but Fernando was there to witness it
      with his very own eyes, and it *was* a bishop, may the gods put the
      pimple on Fernando's nose if that is not true!


      The Big Chicken 21 Jan – 18 Feb

      Squawkers, the stars tell Fernando that your embarrassing relative
      is the slacker, or idler, like Fernando's cousins Guillermo and
      Theodoro. My friends, Fernando is not one to deny your freedom to
      choose your lifestyle, whether to work hard, to live the life of
      leisure, or to become a ascetic shunning the material goods. But the
      slacker lifestyle combines the life of leisure with the expectation
      that others will clean up the stains on your rented carpet after you
      and your "dudes" share a midnight Klatchian curry takeaway feast, or
      for that matter pay the rent on your rented premises. But Fernando
      must admit that, in its own way, the life of the slacker requires
      the molto dedication and the grosso concentration. So if you can
      somehow convince these embarrassing relatives to bring the
      dedication and the concentration to bear on a worthy project, such
      as saving the Disc from evil time-travelling super-villains, you
      might have some relatives who make you the proud, not the
      embarrassed. Trust Fernando, for this is so!


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb – 20 Mar

      Umbragians, the stars tell Fernando that your embarrassing relative
      is the serial killer. Of course, the embarrassment does not come
      until later, when the seven victims wrapped in the old lace are
      discovered buried in the basement, and you have to explain to the
      Watch that he seemed so nice and quiet and you had no idea about the
      lime pits. But again, he is family, so what can you do?


      2) CLOSE

      And that's our lot for April. We'll see you next month!

      – Annie Mac


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2012 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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