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WOSSNAME -- March 2012 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope, Late Breaking News

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    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion March 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 3, Post 2) *****************************************************************
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 28, 2012
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      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      March 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 3, Post 2)





      I made my first journey to the jungles of Borneo back in 1994 to
      film the Jungle Quest documentary. We travelled by some god-awful
      airline and stayed in some grotty accomodation, but we shot a decent
      film in less than a week. Today Rob and myself embark on another
      journey to Indonesia and will be travelling in what we hope to be
      slightly more luxury and will be staying until... well, we're going
      to stay until the job is done. And what is that job? Hmm... for
      that you will have to wait to the Autumn to find out, for no less
      significant reason than the BBC have thought it best to not tell us
      the whole story until we get there. Though for a little catch up on
      what's going on in what remains of the jungle, you might wish to


      And each and every day during our travel preparations (including far
      too many inoculations and hallucinogenic anti-malaria pills) we have
      promised ourselves that we would take time out to write a decent
      update on what we've been up to. Trouble is, we've been far too
      busy to take any time out and so the update would entirely consist
      of great tales of;

      1. Editing Long Earth.
      2. Editing Dodger.
      3. Shopping for dashing jungle wear.
      4. Eating.
      5. Sleeping.

      So we'll just have to keep you up to date via Twitter (at the bottom
      of this page if you're not registered) and will email photos to
      Transworld for the Facebook page and also to Jason Anthony for
      Discworld Monthly. That is if we find decent WiFi and, well,

      Finally, we've left a decent stock of signed books with Sandra right


      but you'll obviously have to wait a few weeks if items do go out of
      stock while we're away.

      Bon voyage to us. We'll report back as and when we can.

      All the best.

      (signed) Terry Pratchett

      To view the original message on the web, go to PJSM Prints:




      by Annie Mac

      "We're educated rodents, that's a fact
      And an amazing cat
      It's such a crazy act..."

      The musical adaptation of The Amazing Maurice and his Educated
      Rodents, by Matthew Holmes, is quite simply superb. It has a non-
      formulaic freshness, an enthusiasm, an almost artless charm that
      thankfully doesn't have that typical "has got West End written all
      over it" identikit feel.

      In his crafting of a school performance-level musical of TAMAHER,
      Matthew Holmes has done an admirable job of condensing plotlines,
      tinkering with characters, and other necessities that crop up when
      one is interpreting a work in a very different medium from the
      original (can you imagine how much longer the Lord of the Rings
      films would have been if Peter Jackson and company had followed the
      books exactly?). The original novel's philosophical and moral points
      are untouched, but there are changes; for example, the character of
      Malicia takes on multiple duty: where she was only a "co-star" in
      the novel, here she's not only a part of the story and songs but
      also serves as narrator, introducing the audience to the enhanced
      rats of the Clan and setting the background of the tale, not to
      mention a bit of typical Malicia-snarky editorialising: "...this is
      a proper story with sub-text, narrative tension and social
      commentary. Not to mention a bit of violence. But I'm getting ahead
      of myself. I'm not even in this scene..."

      TAMAHERtM features seven songs plus assorted pieces of instrumental,
      incidental and scene-change music. The songs cover a variety of
      genres and feels including finger-popping lightness ("Tell Them a
      Tale"), military march ("Trap Disposal Squad"), louche swing ("Call
      the Rat Catchers"), nervy intensity ("Something's Going Down"), and
      the standouts, for me: the dark, emotive power of "We Stand as One",
      the metal- and power-ballad-styled menace of "The Rat King's Song",
      and the Celtic rock-influenced "Pipe the Rat". The lyrics are all
      cleverly constructed, as high in quality as the music, and do a fine
      job of advancing the narrative:

      "Join the trap disposal squad,
      It's a very dang'rous job,
      Always hesitate, never take the bait
      In the trap disposal squad..."

      Sometimes the entire cast gets to sing ("Something's Going Down in
      This Town", "Pipe the Rat"), or all the Clan rats ("We Stand As
      One"). Bill and Ron, the evil ratcatchers, get their moment:

      "Something nibblin' all the tasty fish?
      Something widdlin' in your butter dish?
      Gnawin' your vegetables?
      Call the professionals..."

      The Rat King gets an appropriately dark, disturbing number:

      "I'm the creature in the night
      I'm the noise beneath the floor
      I'm the scratch and I'm the bite
      I am tooth and I am claw
      I'm the darkness in your mind
      Scream revenge upon mankind..."

      The official production pack includes a production overview, staging
      suggestions, and costume ideas (lots of clever and thrifty
      suggestions), plus – of course – the cast list and complete script
      (book, lyrics and sheet music). Also included is an invaluable CD
      with backing tracks for production use and demo tracks with pre-
      recorded guide vocals for rehearsal reference (performed by Kaz
      Simmons and Nigel Pilkington), plus a page explaining the
      performance licence and how to get one online. The illustrations by
      Mike Spoor, scattered through the booklet, are both useful and
      attractive. The entire soft-cover pack is beautifully presented, and
      seems to me to cover absolutely everything a school would need to
      know to present the show.

      I always promote Pratchett-related works, but having something that
      stirs real passion in me makes it more a mission than a duty. At
      approximately one hour's length, TAMAHER the Musical is a little
      gem, and A & C Black's classy performance pack makes it easy to
      translate to the stage for a young amateur cast. Highly recommended!


      The Amazing Maurice performance pack is priced at £26.99 from A & C
      Black (who kindly furnished WOSSNAME with a sample copy):


      Internationally, the performance pack can be obtained via Amazon:


      For a listen to some of the tracks, and some available downloads,
      go to http://www.terrypratchettmusicals.co.uk/


      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends! It is I, Fernando Magnifico, and I shall be
      your astrologer this month, for the Lady Asterisk is indisposed as
      an overly-affectionate squid has wrapped itself around her head and
      will not let go.

      My friends, Fernando knows well the difficulty many peoples has with
      the making of the good living. As the small child, Fernando
      remembers his sainted mama bringing home the washing and the mending
      to earn the money to put bread on the table for Fernando and his
      sisters Rosita, Dulcetta, Serena, Gracia, Elisabetta, little Effie,
      and especially Delicata who has the wonderful personality but can
      eat her own weight in lasagne. Many people stop Fernando in the
      street and ask for the advice in making the money. Fernando's advice
      is the same as his mama taught him, and it has never steered him
      wrong: work hard, don't give credit to anyone but especially not
      family, and invest in shares in treacle mines, for everyone needs

      "But Fernando," these people usually say, "all these things take too
      long. Isn't there some way I can get rich quick?"

      Do not be afeared, my friends, for with Fernando's and the star's
      magnificente advice, you CAN get rich quick! No more will you have
      to spend your time picking up inconsidered trifles from the gutters,
      like Sir Harry King, or going up into the mountains on very sunny
      days to extract the diamond teeth from the immobile trolls. Read on
      for the secrets to getting rich quickly.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Hoggers, Fernando has the good news for you, for the stars say your
      plan to get rich quick is to invest in the new golem factory, which
      Fernando is molto fortunate to have the "inside scoop" as they say.
      My friends, this factory is built in Istanzia, where there are the
      many suppliers of the good quality clay at the reasonable prices.
      The developers have made the special deal with the local government
      that Miss Adora Belle Dearheart is banned from the country, so the
      most excellente returns are guaranteed (except for acts of the gods,
      like the factory being hit by lightning). My friends, the only tiny
      roadblock remaining is finding the priest who is willing and capable
      of animating new golems, but Fernando is assured that the developers
      will solve that any day now.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      My friends, we are all familiar with the amazing story of the Royal
      Post Office, and how the Post-master General Moist von Lipwig, in
      his hour of need, prayed to the goddess Anoia, who saw fit to lead
      him to a lost fortune. My friends, it happened once, it could happen
      again, and the stars tell Fernando that your best chances of getting
      rich quick is to rattle the drawers for Anoia and perhaps throw in a
      few tithes and donations. Fernando is not the religious man, but it
      never hurts to have the Gods on your side, so Fernando suggests the
      quadruple tithing this month.


      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians, your secret to getting rich is one which has been tried by
      many, but rarely with any success. But with the assistance of the
      stars, you can strike it rich and be an Instant Winner!!![*] Listen
      carefully to Fernando, for he knows this is so: your lucky number
      this month is 63, except on Tuesdays, when it is 24. Green lottery
      tickets are especially likely to be lucky, but avoid the red ones.
      Your preferred game of cards is Hersheba Hold'Em (Fernando says,
      never raise on a pair of sevens), and don't try crippling Mr Onion
      this month.

      [*] Disclaimer: it may take you a very long time indeed to become an
      instant winner.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Staffies, Fernando hopes that you like the ocean, because the stars
      say that your get rich quick plan is to trawl the Circumfence
      looking for salvage. (What is Fernando saying? He is the most
      magnificente astrologer, is he not, and he knows by consulting the
      stars that you are fond of the ocean, especially the fishing part.)
      My friends, salvage from the Circumfence is a good way to make the
      much wealth very quickly: many a sailor has made the fortune after
      salvaging chests of gold or the barrels of rarest spices from the
      Brown Islands. It has to be quick, because the nation of Krull
      considers that just because they built the Circumfence they have
      exclusive right to collect salvage from it, and their patrols of the
      heavily armed and magicked ships have a no-second chances attitude
      to people found poaching from the Fence. So you can get rich quick
      but you'll have to do it very fast. Trust Fernando, for this is so!


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians, the stars are not entirely clear on your get rich scheme,
      but do not be afeared, for Fernando is here to give you the
      magnificente advice. The stars suggest that you should export the
      finest Morporkian ales and lagers to Fourecks, or perhaps it is that
      you should import the Fourecksian beer to Ankh-Morpork – sometimes
      the stars are a little unclear which way these things should go.
      Ankh-Morpork is the Queen of Cities, and Fernando would never say
      anything against her, but it does have to be said that her beers
      are, shall we say, somewhat of an acquired taste. Fernando has spent
      much time in Fourecks, and you should listen carefully to him when
      he says that even the most polite Fourecksian is unlikely to say "No
      worries mate" if you offer them the beer that tastes like something
      the cat with the bladder infection would make.


      My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Nosers, Fernando can tell you that your plan to get rich quickly is
      the oldest such plan in the book: marry someone wealthy. Yes my
      friends, if it worked for His Grace the Duke of Ankh, it can work
      for you too. Trust Fernando on this, there is someone for everyone,
      except possibly Nobby Nobbs, for which we should all give thanks to
      the Gods. Of course, to marry into wealth, it helps to be incredibly
      beautiful or handsome, or famous, or both, like Fernando. But do not
      be afeared, for Fernando has no plans to marry just yet my friends!
      Fernando has too much love in him for just one person. He has tried
      to settle down once before, it was a terribly sad story which
      Fernando does not wish to speak of except to say that the poor woman
      eventually regained the use of her legs, so you understand that it
      is for everyone's safety that Fernando does not settle down in
      marriage. (Although when Fernando tries to explain this to his
      family back home, his sister Rosita always makes the snorting
      sounds. Fernando tries not to pay attention to her nervous tic.)


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Boring'uns, the stars say that you have the great opportunity to
      gain more wealth than you can possibly imagine, for your get rich
      quick scheme is to sneak into Agatea and steal the very gold from
      the streets! Of course, Fernando understands that the Agateans may
      not be terribly pleased by this, and he hears that they do that
      thing with the fine chainmail and the rock, but do not be afeared,
      for with the stars' cunning plan, how can you fail? First, you must
      assemble your team, starting with the Hon. Snedley Bridgeworth-
      Hellebore-ffytch, who Fernando understands has just been released
      from the Tanty. (If you are going to be the unlicenced Thief, having
      the rich and powerful family is always an advantage.) You will then
      need to assemble the rest of your team: the muscle, the forger, the
      confidence trickster, the acrobat, and of course the sexy lady. Or
      in these more equitable times, the sexy man. (Alas, Fernando is not
      available, try to contain your disappointment.) With such a team,
      you hardly need a plan – which is a good thing, my friends, for the
      stars say that your first three plans are sure to fail and you will
      have to improvise at the last minute.


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      My friends, Fernando is the astrologer who is full of scruple, and
      so he will always be the scrupley honest with you. In this case,
      Fernando has the grave doubts about the wisdom of the stars, for
      they are telling Fernando that your way to get rich quick is to
      invest in the new Clacks Fortune Telling started by the Contessa
      Monalisa di Numinosa. My friends, you know well how reluctant
      Fernando is to be saying the bad things about the other members of
      the Guild of Prognosticators, Soothsayers, Fortune-tellers,
      Oneiromancers, Haruspices and Cunning-Men (divers wizards, witches,
      priests, priestess and Mrs Cake exempted), especially one who is the
      bella donna like the Contessa, but Fernando has always made the
      needs of his readers the primo importance. My friends, it is with
      the great regret that Fernando must warn you that in his
      professional opinion, which is as you know magnificente, the
      Contessa could not predict the future of a pint of cold beer in
      front of Sergeant Colon on a hot day. Perhaps the stars are confused
      by the presence of an unusual amount of utter nonsense flying
      through the air through the clacks.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, your plan to get rich quick is the pyramid marketing of
      pyramids to Djelibeybi. My friends, Djelibeybi is well-known for
      building pyramids. So how better to get rich than to sell pyramids
      to Djelibeybi? Listen carefully to Fernando, who will tell you the
      even better way: recruit others to sell pyramids to Djelibeybi, and
      take a share of all their profits. Each person you recruit will pay
      you $100 for each pyramid they sell. But it doesn't stop there –
      they too can recruit people, who will pay you $50 per pyramid. And
      anyone these second level marketeers recruit will pay you $25 per
      pyramid they sell. And so forth – the scheme is sheer elegance in
      its simplicity, as they say. My friends, if you recruit just eight
      people, and they each recruit eight people, and they in turn each
      recruit eight people, down just eight levels deep, and everyone
      sells just one pyramid, you will earn over AM$17 million dollars
      without ever selling a pyramid yourself! You hardly have to bother
      selling pyramids, the money practically chases you down the street
      and forces itself into your purse! What could possibly go wrong?


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, your get rich quick plan is to sell the Brass Bridge to
      newly-arrived visitors to Ankh-Morpork. This could be considered
      just another Hokian jape or the practical joke, apart from the
      transfer of moneys of course. Fernando does not judge, for it takes
      all sorts, and what a world it would be if we were all the same.
      Although if we were all the same as Fernando, that would be
      magnificente, would it not? Perhaps *too* magnificente, for it is
      not clear to Fernando whether the Disc could survive such a
      concentrated amount of sheer magnificence... perhaps it is for the
      best that so many peoples can only be charitably described as "no
      Fernando". But do not be afeared, my friends, for Fernando is sure
      you have the many wonderful qualities, even if they are not as
      magnificente as Fernando's.


      The Big Chicken 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      My friends, the stars tell Fernando that the get rich quick scheme
      for Squawkers is to invest in the stock market. But which shares to
      buy? Listen very carefully, for Fernando has consulted the stars,
      the many business analysts, stock market experts, and the teen
      tycoon Rudney Urch who made the killing on the Clacks (only not
      literally you understand, the Morporkian is a funny language is she
      not?). Pay no attention to stock in companies selling the doggy
      treats over the clacks, even if the treats are made in the amusing
      animal shapes. Ignore the safe, old-fashioned companies with the
      steady business and good profits – your aim is to get rich quick,
      not to save for your retirement. No my friends, for you the secret
      of the stock market is to find out what CMOT Dibbler's next venture
      will be, and immediately invest in his competitors. In this you can
      do no wrong, trust Fernando in this, for he knows that it is so.


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, Fernando has the good news and the bad news. The good
      news is that your scheme for getting rich quick is tried and tested
      and well proven, as many people have successfully used it to become
      the "filthy rich", as they say in Morporkian. Such peoples as
      Frenzied Earl Hargarth, Deranged Lord Harmoni, Nersch the Lunatic
      and Laughing Lord Scapula have created a rather large fortune using
      this simple plan, then used that to create a rather larger one. The
      more observant among you will have noticed a certain pattern, and
      Fernando can tell you you are correct: they are all former
      Patricians of Ankh-Morpork. This brings Fernando to the bad news:
      the plan involves overthrowing or assassinating the existing
      Patrician, taking his place, and then ruling the city in the
      paroxysm of corruption and incompetence until either the city is
      bankrupted or you have been assassinated by the next would-be
      Patrician. Or perhaps both. My friends, the stars give no guidance
      as to which will be more difficult: overthrowing Lord Vetinari, or
      getting away with it when Commander Vimes goes spare.



      A political breakthrough of sorts in the UK's "war on Alzheimer's"
      is making news. UK Prime Minster David Cameron issued a national
      challenge on dementia at the Dementia 2012 conference:

      "...committing to

      * give a boost to dementia research,
      * address quality of dementia care,
      * increase public understanding of dementia
      * and make communities more dementia friendly

      "Alzheimer's Society has launched a landmark report at a conference
      in London exploring how well people are living with dementia in 2012
      in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. Dementia 2012: A national
      challenge presents new evidence on the experiences of people with
      dementia, and pulls together existing evidence, statistics and
      policy from a range of sources. These figures will be updated on an
      annual basis by Alzheimer's Society...

      "Alzheimer's Society is leading a dementia friendly communities
      programme to support the changes we are calling for in the report.
      Through the programme, we aim to support and give public recognition
      to villages, towns, cities and national organisations who are taking
      steps towards being more inclusive of people with dementia..."


      (page includes video of the announcement)

      And in a related item:

      "Yesterday evening MPs unanimously backed the Director of Public
      Prosecutions' (DPP) guidelines on assisted suicide, endorsing the
      non-prosecution of those who compassionately assist a loved on to
      die at their request, a move that SPUC Pro-Life, an organisation
      which opposes assisted dying, say 'effectively decriminalises
      assisted suicide'. This endorsement of compassion for those facing
      difficult decisions at the end-of-life is a landmark in the
      evolution of greater choice at the end-of-life. The debate was
      heralded, by Richard Ottaway MP (who tabled the motion) as the most
      remarkable of his 24 years as an MP..."


      The Winner of the Name a Street in Ankh-Morpork competition is "Dave
      Vierling and the Guards! A close second place went to Zack Phillips
      and at Terry's request both will have their street names
      immortalised on the Compleat Discworld Mapp!"


      The winning entry can be viewed at http://vimeo.com/37568773

      And that's our lot for March. Happy Soul Cake Holiday to all, don't
      forget to set your clocks forward (or back, in Fourecks), and we'll
      see you in April!

      – Annie Mac


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2012 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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