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WOSSNAME -- February 2012 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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  • WOSSNAME-owner@yahoogroups.com
    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion February 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 2, Post 3)
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 28, 2012
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      February 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 2, Post 3)

      2) CLOSE


      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno! My friends, the Lady Asterisk is unavailable this month
      as she has been chased up a tree by a rabid cheese, but do not be
      afeared, for I, Fernando Magnifico, safely back from the Widdershins
      Ocean, will take care of all your astrological needs this month.

      My friends, Fernando is the very thankful of your kind well-wishes
      during his time becalmed in the ocean near Fourecks. For many weeks
      our ship was stuck in the ocean, waiting for the winds to pick up,
      but Fernando put this time to good use to work on his tan, which is
      now even more magnificent, and make friends with the sailors, who
      taught Fernando many interesting things to do with rope. But
      eventually all good times must come to an end and so Fernando has
      made it back to Ankh-Morpork again, tanned and well (although a
      little sick of hard-tack and ship's biscuit, they are nothing like
      the biscotti Fernando's sainted mamma makes!) and ready to consult
      the stars for you.

      My friends, with Fernando's time on the ship, he learned many things
      about pumps and bilges and sails and other nautical technology, and
      so in honour of this Fernando has asked the stars, what sort of
      technology are you best suited for?

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Hoggers are well-known for being suited for, shall we say, *loud*
      professions like the regimental sergeant major or greengrocer, and
      so it does not surprise Fernando when the stars say that you have
      the affinity for the mighty organs. The Opera House is famous for
      its mighty organ, a B.S. Johnson, as is Unseen University, but they
      are not the only such mighty organs here in Ankh-Morpork. Fernando
      knows a thing or two about organs, especially mighty ones, and he
      has been privileged to put his hands on Sir Harold Fussbender's
      organ, which may not have all the extra knobs of the Opera House
      Johnson, but is impressively large. Lord Sebastian Ffnaugh also has
      a grand organ, although it must be said that it is suffering badly
      from wear and tear after 35 years of heavy use. Another of
      Fernando's favourites is the organ of Mr. George W. Wardrobe, of
      Afternoon Lane, who hires out his organ for twenty cents an hour
      (discounts for the children's parties). It is not the especially big
      organ, but what it lacks in size it makes up for in power. Trust
      Fernando on this, for he knows it is so. Fernando once saw Mr.
      Wardrobe stun a flock of geese out of the sky with his organ.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Sandies, the stars tell Fernando that, sadly, you have no affinity
      for the technology at all. Fernando is sorry to tell you that,
      whether it is the printing press, the clacks, or even the simple
      3/8th Gripley, you are "all thumbs", as they say in Morporkian, when
      it comes to the technology. But do not be afeared, my friends, for
      even if you have no skill or talent with the technology, you at
      least can still make the good living as the technology salesperson
      or by writing the technical reviews for the magazines. Being good
      with technology is not the prerequisite for being the great
      salesperson; Fernando remembers well his second cousin Joseph, who
      for a time had great success selling the "Mamma's Own Egg Timer"
      family planning device even though he knew nothing at all about
      calendars or thermometers. (Fernando also remembers well how cousin
      Joseph had to run away to sea after four of his customers found
      themselves with unplanned bambinos as the result of his personal
      demonstrations and lack of the knowledge about the calendars and
      thermometers, but that, cara mia, is altogether another matter.) All
      you need to do is present the confident "front", practise the
      "technobabble", and success will come to you. Trust Fernando on
      this, for the stars do not lie!


      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians are lovers of all things small and misunderstood, and this
      includes the (in)famous Gooseberry Dis-organiser. The stars tell
      Fernando that you could have a very satisfying career in the repair
      and maintenance of Gooseberries, for despite their faults, they
      remain extremely popular, especially with the Young Ankhians trying
      to make a name for themselves in business. The Gooseberry is very
      useful for storing reminders, appointments, and short memos, and the
      BlueNose Messenger Service is very useful for sending the short
      messages. My friends, with your understandings of the Gooseberry,
      let Fernando tell you that there is the very lucrative business to
      be made in Gooseberry training and repair, especially when people
      forget to feed the imp or drop it in the privy.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Whether you are the keen sportsman, or prefer just to relax by the
      quiet brook or lake, fishing gear is the most excellente technology
      for Staffies. As the keen fisherman (or, in these more equalities-
      driven times, fisherwoman, or fisherperson) will tell you, fishing
      gear is not just a stick, a bit of string, and a hook, for there is
      the art to making the rods, reels, and especially lures. An
      expensive art, my friends, like the 7ft Morning Glory rod designed
      by Greenwater and Son especially for Archchancellor Ridcully himself,
      $95 dollars (plus an extra $11 for the optional knob on the end)
      just for the rod alone. But worth every penny, at least according to
      the Archchancellor after he used one to land an 18ft shark that was
      found in a flooded basement of the Unseen University. For those with
      the slightly smaller budget, the stars tell Fernando that the secret
      to success is to concentrate on the lure, for a well-designed lure
      is the path to glory of many a fisherman. The fluffiness of the
      feathers. The configuratione of those tiny shiny bits of glass,
      sparkly rock or Ankhstone that draw the attention of magnificent
      carp or award-winning tunny. In fact, you should be careful that
      your lures are not *too* attractive, or you could find yourself face
      to face with a wandering sea troll, which would certainly spoil a
      quiet afternoon's fishing.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians, it will come as no surprise to you that the technology for
      which the stars say you are best suited is the technology of
      distillation, also known as how to build the better still. But this
      is a practice that is equalimente known as the *art* of
      distillation. And as all Bilians know, when the science and the art
      combine, you can get something more magical than a third-year
      honours student wizard and more explosive than a crater-load of
      alchemists! So for you who were born under the Sign of the God of
      Hangovers, Fernando says go forth with your copper tubing, boiler
      and fractionating column and discover newer and better ways to make
      the health-hazardous beverages. But beware, my friends, and don't
      travel the same road of discovery as the ill-fated Dmitri "Double
      Reflux" Isopropeles, who included in his custom equipment a small
      portable Procrastinator to produce the fast-distilled reannual
      brandy. On the day of his first test run, Isopropeles disappeared
      never to be seen again, and although a smoking pair of his boots
      were found at the site of his former still, the Watch also found
      some unexplained broom bristles and one constable was heard to
      remark on how suspiciously well-swept the premises were.


      My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Perhaps the most exciting new technology in Ankh-Morpork is that of
      Unseen University's Hex -- or perhaps technomancy is the molto
      better term. Many young people today are applying to become wizards
      just for the opportunity, in 7a years provided they graduate, to be
      given the few minutes a week to run the high-speed spells on Hex, or
      to work on breeding the new and faster species of ants. Nosers, the
      stars tell Fernando that technomancy is your technology, and
      Fernando has the excellente good news for you. Now that Brazeneck
      University has built their Pex, which Fernando is assured is
      absolutely nothing like Hex and works on completely different
      fundamental principles, your chances of some day actually getting
      your hands on such technomancy has doubled. Especially if, like many
      Nosers, you are good at the chicken wrangling.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Boring'uns, some people think that you are the far too quiet and
      boring to be interested in the technology. But do not listen to
      them, my friends, you should listen to Fernando instead! For the
      stars say that you are best suited to the careful study of spoon
      technology. Yes my friends, Fernando knows that you are already
      getting the molto excitement at the thought of spending the many
      long hours in dusty libraries reading about the history of spoon
      manufacturing and the progressings from carved wooden spoons to
      the modern metal spoons. Perhaps you will even create the Holy
      Grail of spoon manufacturers, the first practical spoon with
      built-in eye-guard, to prevent those terrible "poked myself in the
      eye while drinking tea" moments. For those of you feeling brave,
      you can even read about the famous Battle Spooners of the
      Praetorian Guard of Emperor Percy the Timid (ruled 18th June 1428
      to 23th June 1428), whose military record is still unmatched to
      this very day: in just three days they chalked up 0 defeats, 0
      victories, and 74 tactical withdrawals from the battlefield.


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Andies, the stars tell Fernando that your technological affinity is
      to the iconograph. My friends, in these days with the latest
      Tusselvlad iconographs with 16 micro-imps, anti-chattering sound
      baffles and insta-etch functionality, it is easy to forget that the
      taking of excellente iconographs is as much or more the product of
      skill and art as it is of the cunning technology. Let Fernando tell
      you, the careless and lazy iconographer, armed with the AM$200
      Celesti iconograph with special lens filters, anti-vibration
      hammocks for the imps, and the newest octaprism viewfinder, will not
      produce work as good as the talented iconographer with an AM$12
      Brownie-Inna-Box. Let Fernando give you the secrets of the most
      excellente iconographers, for Fernando makes the magnificent
      iconographs no matter which side of the lens he is on. Firstly, my
      friends, give your imps a tea break every few hours, otherwise they
      will get surly and start drawing the moustaches and eyepatches on
      everything. Secondly, do not over-feed your imps. The fat imp is
      sleepy and lazy, while the lean imp is keen and sharp (but do not
      under-feed them, or they will eat their pencils). And lastly but
      certainly not the leastly, do not skimp on the ink for your imp.
      What is the point of spending the extra money on the 256-colour
      palette when your "Agatean Fuchsia" and "Frosted Tulip" look
      identical? Trust Fernando on this, for he knows that it is so.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      My friends, you might guess that your technology of interest would
      be the spoons, like your constellation. But no, that would be silly
      -- the astrology does not work that way! Sandies are not especially
      fond of sandwiches, nor do Nosers run a lot. Spooners, the stars
      have told Fernando that your personality is the especially well
      suited to ladles, which are nothing like spoons. Ha ha, no, Fernando
      is having his little joke, your technology of interest is actually
      the great Stone Circles of the Vortex Plains, like the 12.5 megalith
      computer at Plinth or the newer dual-cor circle being built to
      replace it, so called because when it is finished it will be so big
      and impressive that people seeing it for the first time will say
      "Cor blimey, that's impressive! Cor!". My friends, do not let the
      trend-seekers and dandies put you off the Stone Circle, for it is
      the timeless classic. Long after the last Gooseberry imp has
      evaporated, and Hex has been forgotten, the reliable old silicon
      circle will still be as stable as a rock. Trust Fernando, for this
      is so!


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, the stars tell Fernando that you are best suited to the
      technology of clocks. The Guild of Clockmakers is keen to encourage
      the amateur clock enthusiasts willing to buy "Make Your Own Clock"
      kits, and Fernando has learnt of the many sorts of clocks: water
      clocks, candle clocks, sundials, grandfather clocks, even clocks
      using trained imps counting "one hippopotamus two hippopotamus ..."
      for hours at a time. My friends, according to the stars Hokians are
      perfectly suited to watchmaking, as they have a particular affinity
      for the understanding of the very small devices and watches are,
      after all, only small clocks. Although not the understanding of
      Devices, for which you can thank the stars! Having an understanding
      of Devices might bring your name to the attention of the Patrician,
      after which you may find yourself summoned to the Palace and kept
      there under the comfortable, well-paid, but extremely restricted
      conditions until you have finished helping with the Undertaking.


      The Big Chicken 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Squawkers, Fernando has consulted your stars and they tell him that
      your most suitable technology is that of the high-performance racing
      cart. "But what can I do with a box on wheels drawn by a horse?",
      does Fernando hear you ask? Do not be afeared! There are many clever
      and scientific improvements you can learn to make, like some of the
      new breed of young "hot roaders", who will make the most
      excepzionale modifications to their carts -- the anti-roll
      suspensions, the go-faster axle polish, the double-slick wheels with
      spring-loaded stabilisers for hard cornering, even the dangerous
      application of fresh ginger in voonerable places to increase the
      power of horse. Before you know it, you could be the becoming famous
      for the fastest Sto Lat road run, or the fastest time getting from
      Pseudopolis Yard to Scoone Avenue at rush hour (although the new
      traffic division of the Watch tends to frown on this unless the one
      doing the fast timing is their Commander). You might even, who
      knows, become the famous "road racer" like Fernando's cousin Savio,
      who loves his racing cart even more than his wife and bambinos and
      who once won the Quirmian Grand Prix in his "hot road" cart. But
      Fernando knows this only sounds impressive because it is in
      Quirmish. All "Grand Prix" means is "big prize", although it sounds
      like something else, a certain word Fernando feels is the best
      describing of Quirmians.


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, the stars say that you have the affinity with two
      technologies. The Lesser Umbrage is the sign associated with thieves
      (Fernando does not judge, as his Thieves' Guild subscription is due
      for renewal next week), and as such you may find yourself with the
      very close affinity with locks. Before coming to the wonderful city
      of Ankh-Morpork, Fernando spent some time apprenticed to a
      locksmith, and he knows well the many types of lock mechanisms used
      by the suspicious husbands and how to pick them in the dark, a skill
      which has come in very handy many times. Lesser Umbrage is also the
      sign of most Igors, and like Igors, you may have the strong interest
      in the thundering and lightning, or as Igors call it, "thparkth". My
      friends, Fernando has travelled throughout Uberwald, and he knows
      that Ankh-Morpork (Queen of Cities though she is) does not have the
      magnificente, and frequent, lightning storms that Uberwald is
      blessed with. But do not be afeared, my friends, for with the many
      stray cats in the city, and Only Slightly Unhinged Dr Fastidious
      Bonafides' Rotary Feline Spark Generator, you can produce thparkth
      on demand as easily as the Igors in the craggy mountain castles.


      3) CLOSE

      And that's our lot for February, unless something important happens
      in the Pratchettverse in the next twenty-four hours. Happy Leap Day
      one and all, and we'll see you in March!

      – Annie Mac


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2012 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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