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WOSSNAME -- January 2012 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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  • WOSSNAME-owner@yahoogroups.com
    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion January 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 1, Post 2) *****************************************************************
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 30, 2012
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      January 2012 (Volume 15, Issue 1, Post 2)

      2) CLOSE


      by Fernando Magnifico

      [Assistant Editor's note: Dear readers, Fernando Magnifico has taken
      a brief leave of absence (not to be confused with the Editor, who
      has taken a brief leave of absinthe) to visit a cousin in Fourecks,
      and unfortunately has not made it back in time to prepare this
      month's horoscope. With the Lady Asterisk unavailable after an
      unfortunate accident with a sack of piglets and a jar of honey, we
      bring you (at great expense, which will be coming out of the
      Editor's bonus) a selection of Mr Magnifico's answers to readers

      Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando Magnifico, currently
      becalmed somewhere in the Widdershins Ocean, thousands of miles from
      my astrological tables, writing to you by carrier albatross.
      Fernando is ashamed that he cannot take care of all your
      astrological needs this month, but do not be afeared, for this month
      Fernando shall answer your most excellente letters. But not too
      many, for the albatross has the long way to fly!

      Ciao bella!

      * * *

      Dear Fernando,

      I am worried about my boss, who is a law enforcement officer of some
      standing in Ankh-Morpork. Some time over the last few years, he has
      developed unnatural powers, such as the ability to see in the dark.
      I am pretty sure he is not a vampire, and naturally this is not
      something that you can ask your boss about (especially one who is
      likely to go spare), but you can't tell me that it's natural that he
      can see when even dwarfs can't see a thing. Fernando, I am concerned
      that these are the demonic powers what will lead to no good, or
      worse, what if they come from the wrong sort of god?

      Signed, an Om-fearing copper

      My friend Copper, you must understand that your boss is probably
      sensitive about his new powers. Fernando understands this the most
      very well, for have not many jealous and small-minded people accused
      Fernando of having the demonic powers? They cannot stand for
      Fernando to be so much more magnificent than they are, and they do
      not understand the many hours Fernando spends each day, with the
      exercise, and the muscle training, and the washing of the hair, and
      the carefully choosing the most fabulous clothing that shows off
      Fernando's magnificent physique for benefit of those who will be
      fortunate enough to see him. Those who are not Fernando do not see
      how hard it is to be Fernando. But Fernando is not bitter, and he
      forgives them. My friend, your boss is probably just like Fernando,
      except not as magnificent, and it has probably cost him the most
      dearly to gain these powers of which you speak. Fernando imagines
      that he must have eaten the lot of carrots. But just in case,
      perhaps you should carry around the small bottle of holy water with
      you, for you never know if you may need it.

      * * *

      Attention: Fernando,

      Took your advice and moved to Chirm seaside. Been fine 'til last
      month. Followed home from sea by giant squid. Cursed thing keeps
      eating my Yellowtail Gobblers. Sits in the trees and frightens the
      maids. Tried crossbow but put arrow through window of parlour while
      wife taking tea with vicar, wife says no more shooting. Don't think
      much of such rot m'self, never would have won medal fighting crazed
      Chimerians in '62 without crossbow, but wife insists. Asking for
      advice to get rid of squid.

      Colonel Alistair Major-Minor Minimus, Ankh Third Horse Regiment

      My dear Colonel, you have written to the right person, for
      Brindisians are the expert on the squid, especially when cooked in
      the tomato and basilico sauce like Fernando's sainted mamma does,
      but also the expert on dealing with the squid when they become the
      over-familiar. My friend, it is most important that you treat the
      squid kindly but firmly. Do not try to be cruel, for the squid is
      the most stubborn beast, and the more badly you treat him, the more
      he will try to win you over with kindness. Or at least, what appears
      to be kindness to the squid, which is not always appreciated by
      those who are not squiddy. You must instruct your maids not to react
      when the squid grabs them from the trees, for the squid he will
      interpret their screams as playful shouts. They must give the squid
      the sharp rap on the beak with the rolled up newspaper, especially
      the weekend edition of the Ankh-Morpork Times, and he will soon get
      the message and leave in search of a more friendly family.

      * * *

      Ping! Fernando, we has the new 25 megagig cache for the clacks,
      which is fine, w007! but the crufty MySquidly instance keeps falling
      over whenever there are more than 37 clacks on the stack. Grandpa
      has replaced the 5/8th gripley like N-squared times, he's such an
      old fart, but its like obvious this is a one-banana problem if he'd
      listen to moi. It can't be the gripley, it has to be the
      reciprocating spin joint. Or maybe the moby filter, or the crab
      elbow. Possibly the static threads. How can I get Grandpa to listen
      to my wizard instructions?

      Signed, Flizzo the D00d, 3rd Assistant Clacks Tech

      My friend Flizzo, Fernando understands your frustration, even if he
      does not understand your letter! It is the most unfortunate when you
      know the solution to the problem and nobody will listen. Or at least
      one of many possible solutions to the problem. Fernando is not the
      expert on the clacks, but he is the expert on the human nature, and
      my friend unless you are as magnificent as Fernando (and let us be
      honest, my friend, there is nobody as magnificent as Fernando) you
      are unlikely to put people into the mood to listen if you start off
      by telling them how stupido they are. Even the stupido people don't
      like to be reminded of that. Fernando suggests you start with the
      "buttering up" and tell Grandpa how much you admire his work, and if
      that fails, put the castor oil and senna in his tea and fix the
      problem while he is in the privy.

      * * *

      My dearest Fernando,

      At long last, Mamma and Pappa have given my beloved Brian permission
      to marry me, but there is just the one small problem. Fernando,
      Brian is from the Reformist Northern Conservative Church of Anoia,
      while I am from the Conservative North-Eastern Reformist Church of
      Anoia, so as you can imagine the difficulties we have planning the
      ceremony. According to Brian's pastor, we have to each stand with
      our left foot in a bucket of white sand, symbolising the purity of
      our hearts, while Pastor Bottle insists that we stand with our right
      foot in a bucket, symbolising the righteousness of our union. What
      should we do? We have already ordered the buckets, and Mr. Dibbler
      says no refunds.

      Hugs and kisses, Miss Cantaloupe Dungoode (soon to be Mrs. Brian

      Miss Dungoode, or may I call you Cantaloupe, your story has touched
      Fernando's heart. How brave you and your Brian must be, to overcome
      such obstacles to your love. You remind Fernando of his own life,
      for Fernando so often must overcome the obstacles to true love too.
      Obstacles like the chaperones who do not understand what it is like
      to be young and handsome as Fernando. But do not be afeared, for
      Fernando has the solution to your problem: stand with *both* feet in
      the bucket, symbolising purity, righteousness, and unity. And it is
      the good practice for later, if you wish to make the vino.


      3) CLOSE

      And there's more, but not until the next issue. See you soon!

      – Annie Mac


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