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WOSSNAME -- September 2011 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion September 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 9, Post 3)
    Message 1 of 1 , Sep 30, 2011
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      September 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 9, Post 3)

      3) CLOSE


      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno! The Lady Asterisk is unavailable for the horoscoping due
      to an attack of custard, but do not be afeared, for it is I,
      Fernando Magnifico, and I shall be your astrologer this month!

      My friends, when Fernando was the small boy back in Brindisi, he
      would play the very many games with his friends and cousins. We
      would play the innocent childhood games like Pass the Parcel, Pin
      the Chem on the Golem, and Spin the Bottle. Fernando would spend
      many hours playing Hide the Sausage with Paquita the milkmaid. Many
      a time Fernando's sister Rosita would have to come to the milking
      shed and drag Fernando home by his ear because he forgot to do his
      chores, so engrossed in playing with the sausage was he. Of course,
      as one gets older, ones interests change to the other games, like
      Thud and Exclusive Possession, but there will always be the fond
      memories of such simpler, happy days. So my friends, in memory of
      such fun games, Fernando has asked the stars what games you will be
      best suited for.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Hoggers, your game is the dice game Clipper, which is played with
      eight dice. If you roll eight dice with the same value, you cry out
      "Clipper" and score 1000 points. Other combinations are worth less.
      My friends, Fernando's cousin Ricardo is the expert at playing
      Clipper. It truly is the sight to behold. Fernando has watched him
      score five Clippers in the single game with his lucky dice, which he
      refuses to let anyone else handle.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Munchers, your game is the card game Blackguard, sometimes known as
      Twenty-Four. Cards are dealt out one at a time, and you place bets,
      with the person getting closest to 24 without passing it being the
      winner. Fernando knows that Blackguard is the very popular card game
      for the casual gambler, for it is simple to understand, and the
      house edge is usually quite small (except at Cicero's House of
      Cards, where the rich and famous show off how rich they are by
      losing more money than they can afford). My friends, when playing
      Blackguard it is traditional to always communicate with the dealer
      by hand signals. Listen carefully to Fernando: rapping the table
      twice means "give me another card", waving your hand backwards and
      forwards rapidly means "no more cards", and a punch to the dealer's
      nose means "I saw you dealing from the bottom of the pack, you lousy


      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      My Hernian friends, the stars tell Fernando that you will be
      especially good at the Shell Game. This is a popular game in Ankh-
      Morpork, with many people playing it on street corners. The shell
      man hides a small pea under one of three shells on a table, and
      shuffles them around. Then the others place bets on where the pea
      is. My friends, this is the molto challenging game. Fernando has
      been playing this game for the many weeks with the friendly
      gentleman by the name of Soapy Stan, and he has not won once yet!
      Perhaps there is something about the Morporkian temperament, for
      every time Fernando gets discouraged, another person joins the game
      and wins. Fernando is sure he has worked out a system and soon he
      will be the winner too, yes?


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Staffies, your game is darts. Fernando knows that there are two
      styles of play in darts: competition play and trick shots.
      Competition play tends to be done by serious, unsmiling men with
      names like Jenkins, who stare silently at the dartboard for minutes
      before launching the dart at it. Trick shots are done by jolly,
      friendly men called Bazza or Roger, who somehow manage to bounce the
      dart off people's drinks *behind* them and still get a bullseye.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians, Fernando knows what you are thinking: you expect that your
      game will be a drinking game, like "Father Brown's Hat", "Upstairs
      Hurling" or "Toss Daddy Down The Well". Do not be so certain, for
      the stars have said that your game is in fact Crambo, where you
      dress as a barbarian warrior and try to guess a word using nothing
      but rhyming clues. If you prefer, you can play Dumb Crambo or
      Charades. Do not be afeared, my friends, for you can always make the
      game more interesting by turning it into a drinking game.


      My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      The stars tell Fernando that your game is Cat Glass Pudding, also
      known as Chaverblanc from the Quirmian "Chat Verre Blancmange". My
      friends, do not mistake this for the game popular in the Shades,
      "Chevablank", which involves two mens kicking each other in the fork
      as hard as they can, a completely different game. You only make this
      mistake *once*, trust Fernando on this, for he knows it is true. Cat
      Glass Pudding is a hand-gesture game: on the count of three, each
      player make a hand gesture where Cat breaks Glass, Glass ruins
      Pudding, and Pudding drowns Cat.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Boring'uns, the stars tell Fernando that your game is the card game
      Old Crone. If you are looking for a bit of danger and excitement in
      your life (for sometimes even the Boring'uns feel the strange
      stirrings), you are in luck, for the stars say the good game for you
      is Snap. Just be careful of the bruises. And for those of you who
      feel that these games are too exciting, do not be afeared my
      friends, instead let Fernando tell you of the card game played by
      his uncle Bigollone back in Brindisi. In Morporkian, it would be
      called Shuffle: you shuffle the cards, then sort them into order and
      check that they're still all there. Uncle Bigollone plays it for


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Andies, your game is Igors and Nurses. This is not just for the
      childrens, it also makes the excellente game for the adults. My
      friends, Fernando knows that the influence of Androgyna Majestis is
      to give Andies two sides to their personality, and so you will be
      well-suited to *both* being the Igor and the Nurse. Sometimes at the
      same time. Be careful too my friends, do not take the name of the
      game literally, for the only thing worse than accidentally grafting
      a carrot to your forehead while playing Igors and Nurses is what
      happens afterwards when the real Igors find out you have been
      imitating their tribal scars.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, your game is the mechanical game "Barbarian Invaders", a
      game of skill played with the clockwork device, costing a penny a
      game. They are very popular in the taverns. At least, they are very
      popular until the Librarian discovers them, for he can make a single
      penny last all night, with a regrettable tendency to over-enthusiasm
      which often leads to the game being accidentally pulled to pieces.
      If you can still find a tavern with a working game, listen to
      Fernando, for he knows that this is so: the best time to shoot the
      wobbly barbarian king is as it goes from left to right, before it
      drops down fast towards you. If you time it right, you will get the
      twenty bonus points.


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      For Hokians, your game is nothing less than "The Great Game". But
      listen to Fernando's excellente advice, and do not mistake this for
      "The Most Dangerous Game", which is cheaper to play but the much
      more dangerous if Sir Samuel Vimes finds out what you are doing. For
      the Great Game, you will need a large diplomatic corps, a few
      trained assassins, an army or three, and the willingness to spend
      vast amounts of money and lives jockeying for influence over
      Klatchistan against Uberwald with nothing to show for it even if you
      win. An excellente way to while away a rainy decade or so, but
      beginners may find it a bit hard to get into at first.


      The Big Chicken 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Squawkers, let Fernando tell you that your game is a recent import
      from Fourecks. No, not the Fourecksian Rules Footsball, but "stacks-
      on", a game similar to the traditional games buck-buck or Johnny-on-
      the-pony, only less complicated. Stacks-on makes the good party game
      for childrens of all ages. One person, usually the smallest or
      youngest, is designated the stackee, and everyone else are the
      stackers. The aim is for the stackers to pile upon the stackee.
      Extra points are given for crying out "Stacks On!!!" just as you
      take a running leap onto the top of the stack. Particularly if the
      stackee is, up to this moment, entirely unaware that they are about
      to be at the bottom of a stack.


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, the stars tell Fernando that your game is Empirical
      Crescent, particularly when played under the Post Office Sorting
      Engine Rules. Use of the NoThingfjord variations is optional but
      recommended, but Fernando suggests you avoid the Sto Kerrig Rules
      unless you are wearing a hat.

      [For those unfamiliar with the game of Empirical Crescent -- and
      sadly, as the definitive guide to the game, O.G. Stovepipe's
      "Empirical Crescent: Rules and Origins", is (and always has been)
      out of print, most people are -- the aim of the game is to travel
      from No. 19 Empirical Crescent to No. 23 in less than one day. Some
      well-known and often used stops include Short Street, Mrs Palm's,
      the Tump, the Opera House, the Unreal Estate, the UU High Energy
      Magic building, the YMPA, and Bes Pelargic. Passing through the
      Dungeon Dimensions is considered a disqualification, except under
      the Charter of 1837 Rules (commonly known as the Thumpington-Oddley
      conversion, except in Sator Square, where it is known as Bucket's
      Code). Sending oneself by Clacks is *certainly* a disqualification
      -- there has been only one successful attempt, by Hef Biggleton. Be
      warned that, while they are not strictly prohibited under Sorting
      Engine Rules, purists frown on the use of homing ducks except by
      rank beginners. --- The Editor.]



      Finally, some details for Pterry's first two October appearances!


      Date: Tuesday 11th October 2011
      Venue: Town Hall Seattle, 1119 Eighth Ave Seattle, WA 98101 (206)
      652-5858 (the event takes place in the Great Hall; enter on 8th
      Time: 7:30 PM – 9:00 PM
      Tickets: $10-$30 ($30 incl. a copy of Snuff, or $10 admission only),
      available from 30th September.




      New York City:

      When: Thursday, 13th October 2011
      Venue: Barnes & Noble/Tribeca, 97 Warren Street, New York, NY 10007
      Phone 212-587-5389
      Time: 6:00 PM
      Tickets: Admission is free


      ...and again, the dates given in this month's early edition:

      Washington DC:

      When: Friday, October 14, 2011
      Venue: National Press Club, 529 14th St NW (13th Floor), Washington
      DC 20045
      Time: 7:00 PM (ET)
      Tickets: $15.00

      For tickets and further info:


      When: Tuesday 18th October 2011
      Venue: Theatre Royal Drury Lane, Catherine St, London
      Time: 8pm (doors open 7.30pm)
      Tickets: prices are £35-£45 and include a copy of Snuff – or so it
      says at The Londonist:

      For tickets and further info:



      3) CLOSE

      And that's it for September, just under the wire! See you next

      – Annie Mac


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      Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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