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WOSSNAME -- August 2011 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion August 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 8, Post 3) *****************************************************************
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 28, 2011
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      August 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 8, Post 3)

      2) CLOSE


      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando! The Lady Asterisk is
      unavailable, as she is suffering from a severe attack of kumquats,
      but do not be afeared, for I, Fernando Magnifico, shall provide for
      all your astrological needs this month!

      My friends, none of us are perfect, not even Fernando. And so we all
      have the vices that we know are not good, but we indulge in them
      anyway. In Fernando's case, his vice is excessive humility and
      modesty. If Fernando were not so humble and self-effacing, the
      enormosity of his magnificence would be unbearable. My friends, you
      should be thankful that the gods have smiled upon you by giving
      Fernando this one flaw. And so Fernando has consulted with the
      stars, and will tell you which vices are particularly to be avoided.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

      There are times when Fernando, like all men, has the urge to strip
      down and oil himself up and pit his muscle against that of another
      in a one-on-one engagement, two hot and sweaty consenting
      individuals locked into the primal ballet of pure manliness,
      pounding each other until one man can no longer bear to continue.
      This is perfectly natural, and nothing to be ashamed of. But listen
      carefully my friends, for Fernando knows that when you take the
      fighting out of the boxing ring and into the streets, what was the
      harmless sport becomes the vice. Hoggers, the stars warn that your
      vice to avoid is the excessive fighting and violence. It is the one
      thing to be taking part in the noble art of fisticuffs with the
      Marquis of Fantailler rules, it is the completely other kettle of
      tea to take the fighting out into the streets, the shops and
      people's homes... except at the Mended Drum, where you can win
      prizes for the Most Imaginative Assault With Furniture.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Fernando knows that many Munchers have been "bitten by the gambling
      bug", as they say. It is true, for the stars say that Munchers' vice
      to beware of is the gambling. This can often start as early as the
      young childrens betting their lunch on the poo-stick races. For some
      childrens in the Shades, having the good eye for the hydrodynamic
      properties of a well-formed poo makes the difference between going
      hungry and eating Fatty Smith's sandwiches. Soon you are betting on
      the dog races, or the horse fights, and from there it is only a
      matter of time before you are betting on whose dinner the fly will
      land on first. But beware, my Muncher friends, for unless The Lady
      smiles upon you – which, Fernando is afraid, she rarely does – you
      will lose much more than you will win. You know that you have hit
      rock bottom when even Brokelads the Bookie turns you away because
      you can't pay, and your answer is "Wanna bet?".


      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians, your vice to beware of is sloth, especially as it results
      in uncleanliness. My friends, one of the reasons why Fernando is so
      successful in the jousts of love is that he is the scrupulously
      clean: you will not find any flies on Fernando, except that one time
      with the signorina from Genua with the fish-paste fixation. Ah,
      happy memories. Fernando bathes at least once a week, more in
      summer, and always after getting the hot and sweaty if you know what
      I mean. So usually five times a day. I say this not to boast, my
      friends, because for Fernando this is nothing to boast about, but
      only so that you too can aspire to be like Fernando. Perhaps not
      like Fernando five times a day, for after all there is only one
      Fernando and you are not he, but at least once or twice a month.
      With luck and the generous serving of alcohol.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Wizardry, it is said, comes in fashions. Sometimes it is the
      cadaverous wizards, with that lean and hungry look that comes from
      spending all day trying to get past your immediate superior's
      magical defences, and sometimes it is the larger sort of wizards
      with the more rounded look that comes from spending all day helping
      yourself to the desert trolley. And so it is with Staffies, who by
      the influence of the stars often follow the same fashions as
      wizardry. Trust Fernando on this, for he knows this is so. At the
      moment, wizardry is closer to the second look than the first, and so
      your vice to beware is gluttony. Listen carefully to Fernando's
      advice: never have an intimate dinner for two unless you invite
      another person, and most importantly, never eat more than you can


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      My friends, everybody thinks that Bilians' vice is the heavy
      drinking, but it is not. The drinking for the Bilians is hardly the
      vice, it is practically the virtue! (Somebody has to keep the
      brewers from starving.) Listen to Fernando, for he knows that this
      is so. Bilians, your vice is smoking: whether you are smoking the
      tobacco (also known as "pipe weed" or "old man's pot") or the other
      substances, or merely lighting the incense at every opportunity,
      beware of this vice. For the tobacco smokers in particular, your
      breath and clothes will stink, you can develop the wracking cough,
      and your fingers will be dyed yellow from the nicotine. But on the
      plus side, people will think you are mean and turf if you have the
      cigarette dangling from your lips, and if you ever want to start a
      fight (a vice often held by Hoggers, but sometimes Bilians as well),
      you can always blow smoke in somebody's face.


      My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Nosers, the stars say that your vice is to be the bad neighbour,
      like the man who came around to Fernando's rooms at 3am this
      morning, shouting and banging on the door. Fortunately Fernando was
      already up learning to play the drums. (Ha ha my friends, Fernando
      is making the little joke!) But there are the very many bad
      neighbours: the ones who have the loud arguments and rows at one in
      the morning, those who keep the thirty-five barking dogs in the
      yard, the ones who sweep up the leaves and rubbish and throw it over
      the fence into your backyard, or the ones making the foul stench
      when they cook. Fernando is reminded of his second cousin twice
      removed Peppino who lives next door to a family of Quirmians who are
      always cooking their avec with the garlic. Of course Peppino is
      always eating the garlic too, but these grossolano Quirmians are
      using the wrong sort of garlic!!!


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      My friends, never let it be said that Fernando is disrespectful to
      the religion. Where would we be if not for the priests? True, we
      would probably be happier and richer without having to pay all those
      tithes, and the gods would fade away and be powerless without us,
      but think of what we would lose! No more Vestigial Virgins! And we
      would miss out on such beautiful music! When Fernando was a young
      boy, he used to love to visit old Father Renaldo, who would play
      with his mighty organ for hours for Fernando's entertainment. The
      things Father Renaldo could do with his organ, it would bring the
      tears to Fernando's eyes. And afterwards, the old man would always
      invite Fernando to come over and bang away on the organ until it was
      time to go home. So do not think that Fernando is against religion!
      But, it is possible to have the bad religion, and the stars tell
      Fernando that this is your vice, Boring'uns! So if you find yourself
      breaking into people's homes to give them the good news about Om, or
      chasing law-abiding Black Ribboners down the street to beat them
      with the Holy Egg Whisp of Anoia, or committing human sacrifice
      without a licence from *both* High Priest Ridcully and the
      Patrician, you may have "crossed the line" as they say in


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Andies, the stars tell Fernando that the will to believe is one of
      the strongest forces in the Disc. Belief can drive a man or woman to
      the greatest feats of heroism and bravery. But it can also drive
      people to the lowest crimes of passione, like the Winkle Street
      Strangler last month, who was drivened to murder by the deepest
      belief that he wouldn't be caught. And so it is that the virtue of
      belief becomes the vice of gullibility. Fernando knows that all
      peoples are capable of following themselves into believing what they
      want to be true, instead of what is true, but Andies are especially
      at risk. My friends, listen to Fernando as he tells you the wisdom
      of the stars, and avoid being gullible like those who read the
      Inquirer. The Patrican is not the vampire, even if he does wear
      black. Gnolls will not break into your house to steal your dirty
      socks, at least not if you keep the door locked. The famous "talking
      dog of Ankh-Morpork" is the urban legend. If something seems too
      good to be true, it probably is, especially if it is one of CMOT
      Dibbler's extra special sausages inna bun made from named meat and
      the seven secret herbs and spices (Fernando has learned that at
      least three of them are wood shavings). And most importantly, my
      friends, you can trust Fernando on this when he says that the
      leopard-skin print velvet smoking jacket will never go out of style.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, Fernando understands that not everybody has the stamina,
      skill and interest in the making of the love like Fernando does.
      Some people are happy with the life of chastity and abstinence, and
      Fernando respects that, even if it makes him saddened. It would be a
      funny world if we were all alike, would it not? But there is nothing
      that cannot be a vice. As they say, "moderation is all very well,
      but don't over-do it". And so it is with Spooners and abstinence,
      for this is your vice. If you find yourself approaching the
      strangers in the street and proudly announcing that it is eighteen
      months, three weeks and two days since you last made the rumpy-
      pumpy, then let Fernando tell you that you have let this become your
      vice. Fernando is sure you are proud of this fact, but you don't
      need to accost the strangers and tell them. Do what everyone else
      does, and get a Clog, and "chirp" about it.


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Fernando knows that it is perfectly natural for people to be
      fascinated with Fernando and his every action. Fernando is used to
      be followed by crowds calling his name whenever he goes out in the
      street. This is only to be expected. But there are those who take
      this too far, like the person Fernando caught rummaging around in
      Fernando's garbage looking for the trinkets and keep-sakes. This was
      especially disturbing to Fernando, because the garbage was still in
      the bin inside Fernando's rooms at the time! My friends, it is a
      wonderful thing to attach yourself to greatness by being the fan,
      but it is possible to take this too far. Hokians, the stars tell
      Fernando that your vice is to be the obsessed fan. It may be all fun
      and games now, but wait until somebody is kidnapped and dragged off
      into a cabin in the forest and kept chained to the bed... trust
      Fernando on this, after a couple of weeks this gets very tiresome.


      The Big Chicken 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Squawkers, the stars tell Fernando that your vice is gossip. My
      friends, some people think that it is only the womens who gossip,
      but let Fernando tell you that this is not the case! Many mens
      gossip too, although often they gossip about different things:
      womens gossip about whom is doing the rumpy-pumpy with who (if you
      excuse Fernando's Quirmian, but we are all adults here, yes, except
      for Kevin who keeps trying to take over Fernando's job, don't think
      I haven't noticed you Kevin!), who owes who money, and the dastardly
      crimes of passione; while the mens gossip about who they would like
      to do the rumpy-pumpy with, the sport, and the dastardly crimes of
      passione. And Fernando – everyone gossips about Fernando,
      especially the stronzi mentire at the Inquirer who keep making up
      the stories about Fernando, don't believe anything you read in that
      rag my friends, especially not the one about Fernando and the yak.
      Fernando has never even been to Mad Stoat!


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, the stars tell Fernando that your vice to beware of is
      thrill-seeking. Believe me, my friends, Fernando understands the
      thrill of having the thrill. Who is not the molto excited by the
      secret, and *quiet*, liaison with your lover just out of sight of
      their parents or chaperones? Fernando too is the man of action, and
      while he does not condone it, he understands the rush you feel from
      stealing the ink-wells from the Post Office right under Miss
      Maccalariat's nose, or streaking through the finals of the
      Morporkian Women's Association's Sausage Competition with a sack
      over your head. (Don't forget to cut the eyeholes in the sack. Trust
      Fernando on this, for he knows this is important.) But some thrills
      are dangerous and foolish, and should be avoided, such as sneaking
      into the Assassins Guild at midnight to replace Lord Downey's mint
      humbugs with licorice all-sorts, or performing mime outside the
      Patrician's Palace in broad daylight.


      2) CLOSE

      Still ate'nt dead. Still mostly in bed. Have re-read a *lot* of
      Discworld novels. See you next month...

      – Annie Mac


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      Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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