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WOSSNAME -- July 2011 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion July 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 6, Post 2) ***************************************************************** 1)
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 30, 2011
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      July 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 6, Post 2)

      2) CLOSE


      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno, it is I, Fernando Magnifico, and I shall be your
      astrologer this month for the Lady Asterisk has been called away for
      an unexpected prognostication emergency in Sto Kerrig.

      My friends, Fernando has received the clacks from one of his dearest
      fans, "5ux-2BU" who asks:

      "Deer Furnadno,

      I want 2B teh D4rk L0rd like Evil Harry Bread. Wat shud i do?"

      My dear friend 5ux, the first thing the stars say is that to be a
      successful Dark Lord, you need to plan ahead. Fernando is sadnessed
      to say that you have not got the good start here, for you neglected
      to mention what your star sign is! But do not be afeared my friend,
      for Fernando is prepared to "bend over the backwards to help" as
      they say, and so this month Fernando will be writing about the Dark
      Lords for everybody! For there are the very many different kinds of
      Dark Lord, and now with Fernando's help, and the wisdom of the
      stars, you will know which Dark Lord is best for you.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Hoggers, of all the types of Dark Lord, the stars say you are the
      most suited for the Glorious Leader, and have your very own
      Bananananananana Republic. My friends, you can learn much from
      Brindisi, for it is famous for the quality and number of our
      Glorious Leaders. Fernando remembers the last such Glorious Leader,
      when Fernando was the small boy, the Generalissimo Beni Il Ducke. If
      only you could have seen Il Ducke, strutting in his finest uniform,
      with the medals and the gold braid and the feathers and the more
      medals, what a magnificent sight it was to see – not quite as
      magnificent as Fernando, even at the tender age of seven, but still
      the molto magnificent! But of course you could not have seen Il
      Ducke, for he had Morporkians shot on sight (he *was* a Dark Lord,
      and they will have their hobbies). Il Ducke was overthrown by the
      Peoples Revolutionary Committee For Revolution. Ah, such exciting
      times. If not for the terror and the horror, Fernando would miss


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Munchers, this one is for the ladies, for the stars tell Fernando
      that your Dark Lord is, in fact, the Ice Queen. Not to be mistaken
      for the Ice Maiden, or the Ice Cream, or the Dairy Queen (easy
      mistakes to make, Fernando knows), you will be best suited for
      ruling from a castle made of ice up near the Hub. The stars warn
      that it is not easy to be the successful Ice Queen – if it were
      easy, there would be the Ice Kings too. You rule over a country in
      permanent winter, which makes it difficult to feed your soldiers.
      And while other Dark Lords can rely on their fearsome reputation to
      frighten away at least some heroes, your reputation will only lead
      to a constant stream of heroes seeking to "warm you up", if you get
      Fernando's meaning. At least you will be amused by where they get
      the frost-bite.


      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians, the stars tell Fernando that your favoured Dark Lord is
      the hardest one to do well: the Thud Meister. While other Dark Lords
      are raising armies and dispatching assassins, you will conquer by
      brains, not force of arms, using your two weapons of cunning, and
      trickery, and alliances with others. Your *three* weapons of
      cunning, trickery, alliances with others, and betrayal. And the
      ability to think twelve moves ahead. My friends, listen to the
      advice of the stars: as the Thud Meister, you will find it easy to
      manipulate your enemies so that while they *believe* they are trying
      to overthrow you, they are in fact working *for* you to defeat your
      rivals and consolidate your power. Your only weakness is a tendency
      to over-confidence. If you ever find yourself crying
      "Inconceivable!" when your plans start to go awry, it's time to
      gather all the gold you can lift and retire to the Slakki Islands.

      [Editor's note: The Editor would like to take great pains to assure
      readers that, despite his preference for wearing black, and his
      well-known skill at Thud, neither Fernando nor this publication mean
      to imply that Lord Vetinari is a Dark Lord of any form. Unless he
      would like to be, in which case we are sure he would be very good at


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Staffies, as the most magical of the signs, you will be aware of the
      strict hierarchy of magic users: at the very bottom are
      thaumaturgists, followed by conjurers, magicians, foreign wizards
      who haven't attended Unseen University, proper wizards of UU, and
      finally Sourcerers (may we never see their like again!). Fernando
      notes that neither witches nor warlocks are included in this
      hierarchy. But listen carefully to Fernando as he tells you a little
      known fact which the wizards would prefer be forgotten: there is
      another grade of magic user, outranking all but Sourcerers: the
      Witch-king. My friends, the stars tell Fernando that the Dark Lord
      you are best suited for is the Witch-king, ruling from a lonely
      fortress overlooking a desolate and wind-swept moor. Listen to the
      stars on this, my friends, and beware of short people with furry
      feet and cross-dressing women carrying shields. Trust Fernando on


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians, most Dark Lords are sober, serious individuals, focused on
      their ultimate aim of executing the hero, conquering the
      neighbouring nations, or just staying alive for a thousand years.
      But then there are the other sort, who have the unfortunate troubles
      with the vino, to say nothing of the harder substances. My friends,
      you don't need Fernando to tell you which sort you will be... but
      Fernando will do so anyway, for he is conscientious. The stars warn
      that as a Dark Lord, your Bilian tendency to over-doing the vino
      does not change, and quite likely will be worse. So do not be
      surprised if you find yourself appointing your favourite pet shark
      as Minister For The Arts, heading off on an invasion of Klatch at
      two in the morning in search of a good curry, or declaring war on
      the Sugar Plum Fairies living in your underwear drawer.


      My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Nosers, Fernando knows that while all Dark Lords are wicked, some
      are so terribly wicked, so moltissimo wicked, that nobody dares use
      their names lest doing so summons them in accordance with the
      demonic law. (Fernando does not judge – if we were all good,
      heroes would have nobody to fight to prove they were heroic.) For
      this reason, such Dark Lords are usually called "He Who Must Not Be
      Named", "She Who Must Be Obeyed", or "Whatzizname No Don't Tell Me,
      It's Right On The Tip Of My Tongue, I'll Get It In A Moment". But be
      warned, my friends, for Fernando knows that there is always some
      hero who isn't frightened to call such Dark Lords by their real
      name, and it is them that you must beware of, for they are either
      absolutely fearless, or incredibly stupid, and either way it will be
      the molto difficult to defeat them. Especially if they are the
      somewhat fearless, not always stupid, and were brought up in a
      cupboard under the stairs.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Many people think that Boring'uns will be the especially unsuited
      for the career as Dark Lord, but do not be fooled my friends, under
      the timid exterior of the Boring'un often beats the heat of the
      monstrous Dark Lord. A very timid Dark Lord, it is true, best suited
      for lounging around eating the peeled grapes and stroking the white
      cat, but still a Dark Lord. While other Dark Lords are out
      slaughtering their enemies, you are more likely to ignore them in
      the hope that they will get bored and go away – the tactic which
      works surprisingly often, in the case of the molto egotistical
      heroes who are in it just for the attention. Sadly though, you will
      be unlikely to inspire your followers by either force of personality
      or fear, and so you can expect them to abandon or betray you at the
      first sign of trouble. In fact, the stars recommend that you start
      transferring your riches into a secret Ankh-Morpork bank account
      immediately you gain power: don't wait for your lieutenant to come
      knocking at your bed chamber at 3am with a squad of hand-picked
      guards and extremely sharp swords.


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Fernando knows that to be the successful Dark Lord, you need to have
      single-minded focus on your aim, whether it is to rule the Disc,
      kidnap the princess, or simply to build the extension on the Shed Of
      Doom. For Andies, who often have the two distinct sides, it is often
      hard to focus on just the *one* thing instead of the many-tasking.
      But do not be afeared my friends, for while this would be the
      disadvantage for other Dark Lords, you will be able to make it work
      to your benefit. While your enemies are working hard to disrupt your
      operations in Borogravia, you will be destabilising the economy of
      Muntab. By the time they realise what you are doing, and move to
      stop you, you will be taking over the Agatean Slab trade. And so it
      goes, you'll always have more plans underway than your enemies can
      possibly guess. Your only weakness is the regrettable tendency to
      have so many plans on the go that some of them clash and cancel each
      other out. Listen carefully to Fernando's advice: use a notebook.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, thanks to the conjunction of the Greater and Lesser Spoons
      with the constellation of Kzw-Twqdcxsg the Thing From the Dungeon
      Dimensions, your Dark Lord of choice is to be the Chief Servant of
      the Eldritch Horror. You will have the opportunity to lord over the
      lesser servants, and you will probably be granted the dread
      supernatural powers, and best of all, there are very few heroes who
      are prepared to tackle the Eldritch Horrors. Fernando has to warn
      you though, there is a downside of being the human face to an
      Eldritch Horror from a nightmare dimension. Eldritch Horrors care
      little for riches and will not give you much opportunity to get
      wealthy. Also, they are sure to eventually eat you alive. What can
      Fernando say? It is one of those things... fish must swim, Feegles
      must steal, and Eldritch Horrors must eat their servants alive.


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, when they are not playing the practical jokes, are often
      very good at staying out of people's attention. The stars tell
      Fernando that this trait is very useful for your preferred type of
      Dark Lord: the Immense Grease, or the Man Behind The Man. Not for
      you is the risk and danger of sitting on the throne in the Dark
      Castle, of fighting off the many assassination attempts from your
      trusted lieutenants and the challenges from every passing hero. No,
      let Fernando tell you that it is the much safer to be the man
      whispering the advice into the ear of some hapless Dark Lord who
      foolishly thinks that just because he has got the enchanted sword,
      he knows what is going on. If you play your cards right (as they say
      on the Vieux River boats), you can be trusted or at least feared by
      *all* of the lieutenants, so no matter who wins, your position will
      still be safe.


      The Big Chicken 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Squawkers, the stars tell Fernando that you have the tendency to
      follow the hierarchies and "pecking orders". This personality does
      not fit well with those of the tradizionale Dark Lords, where every
      Dark Lord thinks of himself as the equal to every other Dark Lord.
      As the saying goes, "A Dark Lord's Shed of Doom is his Evil Empire".
      But do not be discouraged my friends, for although Dark Lords are
      notoriously egalitarian there is one Dark Lord that all agree is of
      the higher rank: the Evil Overlord. Of course there is the much
      competition for position of Evil Overlord. But look at the bright
      side, my friends. You will never be bothered by heroes trying to
      overthrow you and destroy your throne – they won't be able to get
      within *miles* of your castle, not with all the Dark Lords queued up
      to overthrow you and take your throne!


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, there are Dark Lords, there are Evil Overlords, and
      there are Chief Evil Overlords, or CEOs. Why stop at Dark Lord when
      you can be CEO? Fernando knows that there are the many advantages.
      Instead of being shunned, you will have the friends in all the right
      places. Bankers, governments, kings and high-priests will be
      queueing up to come to your parties, and you will be invited to all
      the best smoke-filled back rooms to discuss politics with the
      shadowy figures. While other Dark Lords are spending their time
      fighting off the heroes and rebels on their own penny, you will have
      the local government to do your dirty work for you, and it won't
      cost you a brass farthing. Truly the stars have smiled upon you this
      month, cara mia.



      Otherwise known as "support a yeti hunter and help save the House
      of Hex": long-serving Discworld fan Asti, who happens to be the
      granddaughter of WOSSNAME's founder Joe Schaumburger and whose
      iconograph in assorted Discworld costume has been featured here on
      several occasions over the years, is heading off on the 16th of
      August to climb Mount Everest! What's the occasion? Well, it's a
      celebration of a milestone birthday (a lady never says *which*
      milestone) and also a means to call attention to the plight of
      Bletchley Park. And of course, to check if any yetis or History
      Monks have sneaked across to Roundworld through a tear in the
      interdimensional rubber sheet.

      Asti will be wearing the official UU scarf at Base Camp. She
      informed Pterry of this; his reply was: "@MsAsti if you are serious
      about Everest, please take a photo for us! Oh, and good luck."

      To read Asti's blog about the projec-, mad schem-, erm, challenge
      and how it turns out, go to:


      There's also a JustGiving link there, for all Hex lovers who want to
      support the Bletchley Park appeal! Contributions have increased
      significantly in the past day or so, but there's a long way to go to
      protect this historic site. Ponder Stibbons would approve... and so
      does Her Majesty, who visited Bletchley earlier this month to unveil
      a memorial to the Enigma Code breakers:


      Meanwhile, your Editor and family continue to battle the Dread
      Lurgi, but things are looking up; I had an entire day out of bed
      yesterday, hurrah! And now it's back to bed again, however. See you
      next month!

      – Annie Mac


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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