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WOSSNAME -- June 2011 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion June 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 6, Post 3) ***************************************************************** 1)
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 28, 2011
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      June 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 6, Post 3)



      by Fernando Magnifico

      Hallo my friends, it is I, Fernando Magnifico! The Lady Asterisk is
      currently unable to write the horoscopes after mistakenly eating a
      packet of dried frog pills, but do not worry, for Fernando shall
      meet all your astrological needs this month!

      My friends, this month Fernando wishes to talk about the crimes and
      laws. Ankh-Morpork is Fernando's most beloved city outside of
      Brindisi, but you must understand that this is the city of the many
      old, strange and bizarre laws, such as the law about eating peas
      with honey without a licence. Some may not have been prosecuted for
      tens or hundreds of years, or even ever, but remember my friends, if
      you annoy the Watch sufficiently, there's always a first time! It
      has been said by some that, even sitting quietly in your basement
      with the lights off, you could be breaking seven different laws. So
      it is for you that Fernando has spent the many hours wrestling over
      the horny[1] legal problems with the most helpful paralegal from Mr
      Slant's office! With Fernando's help, and the most excellente advice
      of the stars, you will be informed of the crimes you should most

      Ciao bella!

      [1] Fernando is assured by native Morporkian speakers that this is
      how to describe a thing with horns


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Hoggers, listen carefully to Fernando's good advice, for your crime
      to avoid is the persistent failure to make a new pot of tea after
      drinking the last cup. This law was originally placed "on the books"
      in the aftermath of the infamous Nanna Murders following the first
      shipments of tea from Bhangbhangduc. Although Fernando knows that in
      these modern times people are rarely murdered over the pot of tea,
      it is still a terrible faux pas and still illegal. The stars warn
      that you almost certainly work or live with somebody who will "rat
      you out to the Sammies" (in the colourful lingo of the criminal
      classes), and under Ankh-Morpork's three strikes law, on the third
      such failure to make the tea, you can be sentenced to 18 months hard
      labour in the stocks. Fernando has spent the many hours in the
      stocks, and it was the hardest he has ever experienced, trust
      Fernando on this.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Munchers, your crime of serving the sweet wine with the fish was
      first made illegal by King Chunder the Distended, in the Year of the
      Sleeping Giraffe. Although this law was repealed 20 years ago, let
      Fernando tell you that while it might be true that this is no longer
      against the law, it is still the crime to be serving the sweet wine
      with fish! Listen to Fernando, for he has the knowledge of these
      things, you want the good, dry Brindisian white with fish, or an
      Ephebian white if you must. Just make sure you avoid the Quirmian
      rubbish, unless you need to thin the paints or keep the cats out of
      the garden.


      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians, your crime to avoid is one of the older laws in Ankh-
      Morpork: picking your teeth with a knife greater than two inches
      long in the presence of a lady while within seven feet of a dinner
      table. (Fernando cannot help but notice just how *precise* the old
      Morporkian laws are.) Last enforced in the Year of the Elongated
      Weasel, when Sir Edmund Darkworme was sentenced to 80 lashes, to be
      hung, drawn and quartered, stitched back together, broken on the
      wheel, sealed in a barrel of tar, and catapulted out of the city at
      dawn. As Sir Edmund was a gentleman, his dogsbody Balteus was
      permitted to serve the sentence in his place. My friends, unless you
      have the dogsbody, the stars recommend you avoid this law.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Staffies, the stars say you must take care to avoid the crime of
      weasel-baiting. In the more uncivilized times, before Ankh-Morpork
      became the gentiale and polite city it is now, rough and unpleasant
      men enjoyed the many cruel sports. One such is weasel-baiting, where
      the weasel (or sometimes the stoat) is chained to a post and worried
      by specially trained attack-hamsters. Fernando is sad to say that
      even today, in some of the more backward corners of Brindisi, there
      are those who bet on such sport. Fernando is the very pleased that
      it is illegal here in Ankh-Morpork, for Fernando loves the animals
      (although not in *that* way, except once, when he was very drunk,
      and besides the dolphin would not take no for an answer).


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians, like many people you have probably received the c-mail
      messages claiming that the duck's quack does not echo, that there is
      a talking dog in Ankh-Morpork, and that if you forward the c-mail to
      eight other people, Lord Vetinari will pay you $1000 dollars. Trust
      Fernando on this for he knows that it is so, there is no doubt that
      these stories are complete nonsense... except for one story. It
      actually is true that Ankh-Morpork has the law against leaving a
      crocodile tied to a post outside of a cafe or bar. Fernando is as
      surprised as you are, and can only wonder that the was ever a time
      where the city had such a problem with people taking crocodiles to
      town that they needed such a law.


      My Uncle's Nose 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Nosers, your crime to avoid is not an old one but it is the very
      much current. All of Ankh-Morpork remembers last year's invasion of
      the Nac MacFeegle, when the dozens of bars were drained of every
      drop of drink, the valuables went missing from houses all over the
      city with nary a care for whether the householder was paid up with
      the Thieves' Guild or not, and the brass statue of a sheep in
      Knitters Lane was pried up from its stand and discovered five blocks
      away. (Although in truth Fernando is unsure whether that last one
      was done by the Feegles or by the dreaded Pigsty Hill Mob.) As a
      direct result of these events, especially those of Daft Wullie
      MacFeegle and his accomplice Horace, the stars say that Nosers'
      crime to avoid is the city's newest law: consorting with cheese.
      Though do not be too afeared my friends, for if you are quick enough
      and have the strong enough stomach, you can always eat the evidence.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Boring'uns, the stars smile upon you. Not for you are the exciting
      crimes, like robbery, treason, or performing mime within the city
      limits. Your crime has never actually been illegal, and as such, let
      Fernando reassure you that you cannot commit it, even by accident.
      300 years ago, King Wiffleford the Short-Lived attempted to
      introduce the law prohibiting the loud breathing in his presence,
      but before it passed into law, Wiffleford was deposed by a rebellion
      of nobles lead by Lord Alestair Earl of Hubborough-on-the-Ankh
      (later King Alestair the Asthmatic). So feel free to breathe as
      loudly as you like, cara mia.


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Andies, the stars warn that you should beware of the old law against
      persistent egregious misquoting of public figures. Did the great
      Agatean philosopher Ly Tin Wheedle not say, "That which does not
      kill us, is worth two in the bush"? No, Fernando assures you that he
      did not, and there is a special department at the Ankh-Morpork
      Bureau of Measures that checks this kind of thing. Claiming that
      Lord Vetinari, in a recent court case, said, "I do believe it is
      pineapple, and that's cutting my own throat" can buy you a world of
      trouble, my friends, for it is not only Mr de Worde and his staff
      who have to be very sure they get their quotes right! The stars also
      say you must avoid breaking a lesser but still serious law against
      persistent egregious mixing of adages, such as "a chain is only as
      strong as its spots", "a rising tide gathers no moss", or "those who
      live in glass houses laugh longest". When the Bureau revokes a
      poetic licence it's no laughing matter. Trust Fernando on this, for
      it is so!


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, your crime is one which was passed by accident: hitting
      the nail on the head! Due to an unfortunately poor choice of words,
      the Ankh-Morpork legal system considers hitting a nail on the head
      to be assault and battery. Under Mad Lord Snapcase's rule, 317
      carpenters were sent to the Tanty using this rule. Lord Vetinari had
      them all freed (except for Raving Ronny Ramsgate the notorious plumb
      bob murderer) but the law has never been formally repealed, so watch
      out my friends, for Vetinari cannot live forever. Unless that c-mail
      Fernando received yesterday is right and he is a vampire...


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Some crimes are forgiveable, such as the stealing of the bread when
      you are starving. Some are understandable, such as the crimes of
      passione. But some crimes are senseless. The fig is the most useful
      of fruits, good for eating straight from the tree, or for making
      jam, and the leaves are the most handy if you should find yourself
      out on the street without the pants, as happened to Fernando last
      week. So Fernando is shocked that in Ankh-Morpork history, there
      have been no less than three cases of people being convicted of
      destruction of property for using the fatal curse on an fig tree,
      which subsequently withered and died. Hokians, the stars warn, don't
      you be one of them!


      The Big Chicken 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Squawkers, the crime the stars tell Fernando you must avoid is the
      purchase of spices for nefarious uses. Here in Ankh-Morpork it is
      illegal to purchase more than 3oz of spices (pure or mixed) for lewd
      or immoral purposes, without a licence from the Seamstresses' Guild.
      While this was once a little used law, the publication of "The Joye
      of Snacks, by A Lancre Witch" a few years ago. This rustic cookery
      book was banned, but not before the several hundred persons had
      broken the "Spice Law" with the spectacular and they say, comical
      results. (Fernando has sampled some of the recipes from this book
      and can assure you, cara mia, that they are very pleasant, but he
      understands that these might be viewed as threatening to the
      established order of A-M society by the peoples who are more, how do
      you say, tightly locked in the underclothings.) The stars say that
      if you simply must obtain more than the legal allotment of spices, a
      series of purchases in different parts of the city would be a wise


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, your crime to avoid is the crime of corruption of a
      mynah. Fernando does not judge, but this is a shameful crime and you
      will find no mercy from either the courts or the common criminals.
      But do not be afeared my friends, for you may be the molto lucky –
      Fernando knows that there has not be a prosecution for this for 90
      years, not since the retired pirate captain Victor Bamboosa was
      convicted for teaching a mynah to say "Show us yer drawers". The
      fact that he was by then a cabinetmaker was not considered to be the
      extenuating circumstance.




      The final ones! At least for this month...

      Mrs Palm announces more panels and a wonderful special visit

      "Witches, Wives, Seamstresses and Soldiers: The Women of Discworld"

      Our panel will discuss the lively lives of women on the Disc. Friend
      of the con, Kathryn Hoppe, as agreed to be on this one, along with
      some members of the Seamstress Guild and the Monstrous Regiment*.
      Yours Truly will moderate. This coven, sorry, panel, should be a
      very spirited one, to say the least.

      * A proud nickname for a core group of hardy women volunteers who
      worked all over the con in 2009 and are back at it, again.  You may
      have seen our ribbons.

      6/ 28/  Update & Correction:  Due to a scheduling conflict,  Dr.
      Jan Clarke will not be able to join us on this panel.

      "The Discworld Beastiary"

      In a nice moment of serendipity, Esther Friesner* and I both came up
      with this idea for a panel at NADWCon. She has agreed to be on the
      panel. This is one our animal lovers won't want to miss... A
      discussion – both serious and un – of hares, ravens, rats,
      orangutans, dragons and other animals, both mythic and real, on the
      Discworld and in the world of folklore.**

      * A funny, witty woman and one of our author Guests of Honor, Ms.
      Friesner is highly skilled in the fine art of Cheeblemancy.

      ** Including but not limited to: cats, dogs, dragons, elephants,
      hares, horses, kangaroos, magpies, orangutans, pumas, rats, ravens,
      sheep, and, of course, a giant turtle and a small tortoise of
      particular note. 

      "Meet the Librarian: Special NADWCon Access at the Orangutan

      Jon Lemerond, one of our Wisconsin hosts, has arranged a very
      special treat for NADWCon attendees: Zoo Keeper, Mary Schmidt, will
      speak with our group about the Orangutans at the Henry Vilas Zoo.
      They will close the Orangutan facility to the public so the group
      will have exclusive access to the building during this time.

      Meet the Librarian – A Trip to the Henry Vilas Zoo

      We've arranged for a special presentation for our attendees on
      Orangutans to be held at the Zoo.The hotel will bus 24 people to the
      zoo. Sign up sheets are at the desk. We encourage others who would
      like to go to drive there (It is 5 to 10 minute drive from the con
      hotel). The zoo is free.

      Where: Henry Vilas Zoo
      Zoo Open: 9:30 - 5 PM Daily
      How: Bus or car. A bus will be sent from the zoo which can hold up
      to 24 people. The rest can meet us there.
      Sign Up Sheets required for Bus. First come, first served.
      Time: 3:00 - 3:45 PM
      Board shuttle at hotel: 2:30 


      To view these in their original setting on the web, go to:

      And now, some last-minute updates from the NADWcon Committee:

      At-Con News and Communications:

      Want to keep up with all the news as it happens during the
      convention itself? We will have several ways to keep you informed
      and alerted to where the fun is, was, or will be happening! Here's
      the latest:

      1) At the convention, we'd love to see people share the great time
      they are having via Twitter, Facebook, their blogs, and more! We
      encourage you to:

      a. Tweet about your fun adventures, using the #nadwcon hashtag!

      b. Post to your favorite place to blog, post photos, post videos,
      etc. and share those posts by sending a link
      to:conroundup@.... After the con, we will post links to all
      of the con reports we receive.

      c. We are working on creating an official Youtube channel, so keep
      your eyes open for the NADWCon channel broadcasting videos from the

      2) We will also have several committee members tweeting from the
      @nadwcon account. Each of us will sign tweets with our initials so
      you can see who's having fun where. Here are some of the folks
      you'll see sharing their experiences:

      Vivian Obarski (VO)
      Emily Whitten (ESW)
      Missy Hayes (MH)
      Denise Connell (DC)
      Pat Harkin (PH)

      2) We will be putting together and providing a short at-con
      newsletter each day, reporting on the con and providing any
      programming updates and announcements. These will be available each
      day on a special page of the con website, and also provided in
      limited hard copies each day at the Registration Desk.

      For budding reporters seeking to submit news to the Ankh-Morpork
      Times, submissions must be received by 9 p.m. for publication in the
      next day's newsletter.

      PLEASE NOTE: We are looking for several intrepid reporters to submit
      a daily article and/or photo reporting on whatever fun convention
      activity they choose, to be included in the daily newsletter.
      Please email worde@... to volunteer for this.

      Others may feel free to submit something as well if they'd like, by
      emailing it to worde@..., or dropping it off in Con Ops, c/o
      Vivian Obarski.

      3) Seeking news about the convention? There will be a PDF of the
      newsletter available at the nadwcon.org ( http://nadwcon.org/ )
      website as well as news posted at our LJ account, Facebook, Forums
      and Twitter.

      Pre-Con Help Is Welcome:

      Arriving early and looking for a way to help out? If you want to
      volunteer to help with the set up, arrive on July 7 before noon on
      the second floor

      Sheathe Those Swords and Leave Your Brass Knuckles at Home!

      We are all about authenticity in costuming, but before you pack up
      your collapsible scythe, please read our weapons policy, as listed
      here: http://nadwcon.org/Policies.html

      The Watch will be out in force to ensure that our convention follows
      the policies set forth there, so please ensure that you are aware of
      them, and help us to keep everyone unharmed and having a good time
      by following the rules at the con!

      Maskerade info now online!

      Planning on entering our lovely little maskerade? Got a Rincewind
      costume that would make David Jason jealous and want to entire it? Be
      sure to read our maskerade rules, as listed here:

      Program listings now online!

      Want to know about the science of Discworld? Curious about Stephen
      Player's art and technique? Or maybe you want to match wits against
      Granny Weatherwax? All that information can be found on our
      programming page, http://www.nadwcon.org/Programs.html

      Be sure to keep an eye on that page also, because there will be a
      pocket PDF guide available there for people to download and enjoy at
      the convention. For those of you with smartphones, we're planning on
      having an app available also.

      Snowgum Films seeks help for Cohen short film!

      Snowgum Films would like to remind all con attendees that there is
      now less than two week of opportunity to go, in being involved in
      the largest independent Discworld film ever made: Troll Bridge!

      A huge thank you goes out to all project backers who have infused
      themselves into this project thus far; you're making history!

      Please visit the site below for your last chance to nab some
      exclusive Troll Bridge merchandise and be involved in the most
      epicest short film ever made! http://tinyurl.com/5vbz6j8

      Staying in the Madtown a bit longer? There's more than just the
      Discworld convention to be found in Madison. If you're lucky enough
      to linger around, you'll find that there's plenty to see and do in
      town. Check out our travel guide, http://nadwcon.org/Travel.html
      for more information.

      Sad news regarding Elizabeth Moon: due to family health problems,
      Elizabeth Moon will not be attending NADWCon. We wish her and her
      family the best during this time.

      Equipment and Supply requests! Help a con out!

      If you're local to the Madison area, your Committee begs your
      indulgence and assistance. Anything we can beg, borrow or (ahem)
      steal from you in the way of supplies for the convention will
      relieve us of having to buy or rent those items, freeing up funds
      for worthy causes.

      We're particularly interested in the following sorts of things:
      computers, video projectors, and cables to connect those items.
      These could be used in all areas of the con. Sewing machines, fabric
      (ladies, anything you donate will just make room for more!),
      findings, lace, thread, and all useful items for the Costume
      Dungeon. A nice big coffee urn or two. A cash register, cash boxes
      and zippered money pouches. And any sort of office supplies--paper,
      binder clips, sharpies, scissors, stapler, rubber bands, post-its,
      and whatever else you might think useful in your office. Oh yeah,
      and we could really use your leftover clean plastic grocery bags!
      Let us re-use them for you!

      If you can lend or donate any of these things, please let us know at



      David Brashaw of Backspindle Games tells us:

      "I just thought I would update you on developments with Guards!
      Guards! A Discworld boardgame. It was very warmly received at
      Cabbagecon. You can see a review at:


      "We then took two prototypes to the UK Games Expo were everyone
      really enjoyed it and it was shortlisted in the best new board game
      category. Last weekend we had two games running at the Lisburn
      Gaming Club. Both Discworld & non-Discworld fans had a great
      evening. This weekend from Friday to Sunday we are at Q-Con
      www.q-con.org.uk and will also be asked about the game's development
      on a designers' panel.

      "We are delighted that twenty years after Leonard [Boyd] pulled
      together his original version of the game, it has now been developed
      and will shortly be available for Discworld fans to enjoy. It's
      ironic that its being made in China... (20 year anniversary and all
      that). A great outline of the game can be found at:


      "At the time of writing the game is off to print. We are hoping
      advanced copies will be available at NADWCon for fans to buy. The
      game's illustrator Stephen Player is attending as a guest of honour
      We have also designed a live (run around the Convention building)
      version of the game for fans to enjoy.

      "Officially we are hoping for a US release on 4 Augustat Gen-Con
      www.gencon.com and a more likely release in the UK around 15 August.
      Once dates are confirmed, games and a collectible Bookmark will be
      available on pre-order at www.guardsguards.com

      More information and the occasional competition can be found on:


      "At this time it's looking like we'll be selling through our website
      to Australia & New Zealand so there'll be a bit of postage to pay,
      sorry. However you do get the unique character Bookmarks buying it
      this way. We're not doing them for Amazon or Play.com."

      For further enquiries:

      David Brashaw & Leonard Boyd
      Backspindle Games Ltd
      Tel: 07760 337578


      Treefrog Games' new Discworld board game will make its premiere at

      A pre-release review at Wired:

      "Treefrog Games' upcoming Ankh-Morpork, designed by Martin Wallace
      (Age of Industry, London), scratched every Discworld-related gaming
      itch I had, and then a few I didn't. I was lucky enough to get a
      prototype in the mail and when my gaming group gathered around the
      table to give it a go, all of us went away happy. Even those who had
      never even heard of Discworld.

      "My friend Matt called the game 'a twisted mix of Munchkin and
      Settlers of Catan,' and I think that fits it pretty well. The game
      includes a map of the titular city and each player has a secret
      objective: accumulate wealth, take control over a certain number of
      neighborhoods, or just cause massive amounts of trouble. Because
      everyone has their own unique and hidden winning condition, you get
      the suspicion and finger-pointing typically seen in a game of Mafia
      or Werewolf. Combine that with the tactical element of moving your
      minions around on the city map, and the hilarious and beautifully
      illustrated cards full of the characters and places that Discworld
      fans know and love, and you have a very well-rounded experience..."


      Treefrog's site:



      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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