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WOSSNAME -- May 2011 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion May 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 5, Post 2) ***************************************************************** 1)
    Message 1 of 1 , May 29 5:27 PM
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      WOSSNAME
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      May 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 5, Post 2)
      *****************************************************************

      1) YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE FOR MAY
      2) LATE BREAKING NEWS

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      1) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends! The Lady Asterisk is unavailable to write the
      horoscopes this month due to an excess of hats, but do not be
      afeared, for it is I, Fernando Magnifico, and I shall meet all your
      astrological needs!

      This month, Fernando has the very exciting and worrying – but
      mostly exciting – news for you. Firstly, Great A'Tuin continues to
      make the course corrections, and Fernando is the very exciting to be
      the first astrologer in Ankh-Morpork to be announcing two new zodiac
      signs! No doubt the others are too busy writing the rude and
      inaccurate stories about Fernando in The Enquirer to have noticed
      that the constellations have changed. But Fernando is not bitter,
      for he is beyond swapping petty insults with these eighth-rate
      incompetent prognosticationers.

      But molto importantly, Fernando has the bad news, and the good news.
      My friends, unlike some people who call themselves astrologers but
      do not tell what the stars say, only what the reader wants to hear,
      Fernando is the scrupleful astrologer who is just the intermediary
      between the stars and you, my readers. You will never catch Fernando
      twisting the messages from the stars! And so it is that Fernando has
      the bad news, for the stars say that this month will be the End Of
      The World – not just As We Know It, but of all persons of all
      types and species on the Disc, and perhaps even the Disc itself!!!

      But do not be afeared my friends, and especially do not rush out to
      borrow more money than you can afford from "Knuckles" Freddy the
      loan shark, for Fernando also has the good news! The End Of The
      World could not have come at a better time, for with the new
      constellations moving into position, the quantum wossnames are in
      flux, balanced on the knife-edge so to say. Each and every sign will
      experience their own unique Karmageddon, in their own personal leg
      of the trousers of time, but it only takes the smallest action to
      push the quantums from one leg to the other. And so, while it is
      beyond any doubt that The World Will Be Destroyed, it need not be
      *this* world!

      My friends, listen carefully to Fernando's most magnificent advice,
      and you will find yourself in the right leg of the trousers of time
      (which may be the left leg). Do not put your trust in prophets,
      those other so-called astrologers, or the Gods, but listen to the
      advice of the stars. (That is to say, put your trust in the Gods
      *generally*, for Fernando is too handsome and manly to be afflicted
      with the boils, but *specifically* listen to the stars as told to
      you by Fernando. Capisce?)

      And try not to think about all the other worlds, in the wrong leg.
      It's better that way, trust Fernando on this.

      Ciao bella!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Hoggers, your doom is for the Underworld to open and the dead to
      walk. Fernando knows that many of his readers *are* the Undead, but
      these will not be the cheerful, friendly Undead like Corporal Shoe,
      who always has a kind word for Fernando when he goes to bail out his
      cousin Tomas, or even the not-so-friendly Undead like the unreformed
      vampires who do not wear the black ribbon or sing the songs about
      the joys of drinking the warm chocolate drinks. My friends, the
      stars say these will be the other sort of Undead, the ones who
      shamble along in great senseless packs eating people.

      But do not worry, for the stars also tell Fernando that to escape
      this dread leg of the trousers is especially easy for you. All it
      will take to shift the quantums into the leg where the Underworld
      does not open is for you to go out to the street and take part in
      some sort of street ruckus. Since this is Ankh-Morpork, Fernando
      knows you were probably going to do this some time this week
      regardless.

      But just in case Fernando is wrong, you should hole up somewhere
      quiet with a lot of tinned food and a sharp axe.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Munchers, for you, the end of the world will come about because of
      an accident at the Assassins' Guild's top secret Mass Inhumation
      Laboratories. (The Assassins might deny the existence of the MIL,
      but Fernando can assure you that you cannot keep secrets from the
      stars, and they do not lie.) For your own protection, Fernando
      cannot go into detail, but this will involve escaped monkeys, a
      rogue battle-clown, and an outbreak of the dreaded disease Ebullia
      that makes people die of laughing from the excessive cheerfulness.

      To avoid this end of the world, the stars say that the quantums will
      be bumped into the correct leg of the trousers of time if you go to
      Sator Square on Tuesday. A man in a hat carrying a box will run
      towards you, chased by some stylishly-dressed (but not as stylish as
      Fernando) assassins. Trip the man in the hat, but do not open the
      box. Be careful my friends, for you may get a custard tart to the
      face, but such is a small price to pay for saving the world.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians, your end of the world is 40 days and 40 nights of rain,
      which of course is normal for Llamedos, but not for the entire Disc.
      And not the ordinary torrential downpours of Bhangbhangduc in the
      wet season either, but enough rain to cover the Disc all the way to
      the top of Dunmanifestin even as most of the water pours off the
      Rim. My friends, that's a lot of rain, trust Fernando on this. With
      that much rain, there will be none of that business about building
      an ark and filling it with two of each animal (and seven of the
      tasty ones). Even if the rain doesn't smash the ark to splinters,
      even if you don't get washed over the rim, or collide with a
      mountain, by the time the waters subside the Disc will have been
      scoured clean down to the bedrock. (A bit like the house of
      Fernando's Aunt Maria when she is doing the spring cleaning, ha ha,
      Fernando makes the little joke.)

      But do not worry my friends, for the stars have the answer for
      avoiding this dreadful watery fate: you must go out and find
      yourself an actor, poke him with a stick (oak for preference, but
      walnut will do), and ask him about the Lancre Play. When he starts
      to answer, you must squeeze his nose and stick a small dried plum in
      his mouth, then run away as fast as you can. This cannot fail to
      prevent the end of the world, but if it does, at least you will have
      the satisfaction of having played the prank on an actor.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Staffies, the end of the world you can expect is the return of the
      Sourcerers and the continuinuation of the ancient Mage Wars, leading
      to the entire Disc being turned into a small pigeon. My friends, it
      has been many, many centuries since a Sourcerer walked the Disc
      (except for that one time, a decade or so ago, which the wizards of
      Unseen University assure Fernando they know absolutely nothing about
      on account of being away visiting their aunts or curled up in their
      room with a really exciting book and a cup of warm cocoa). And it is
      a good thing too, for a Sourcerer, the source of new magic, is more
      powerful than even the Gods. Two Sourcerers is a war; three is an
      Apocralypse. There are still the many places on the Disc that have
      not recovered from the Mage Wars of olden days, places where the
      trees walk, where water flows uphill, and the unwary traveller –
      or the wary ones for that matter – is liable to wake up in the
      morning turned into a triangle. Not the musical instrument, the
      geometric shape.

      But do not be afeared my friends, for Fernando has consulted
      carefully with the stars and to avoid this doom, it is necessary for
      you to do one of these two things:

      – if you are the Wizard yourself, you must continue to engage in
      large dinners, cold showers, brisk walks around the block (or at
      least occasionally think about brisk walks around the block) and
      avoid the hanky-panky with the ladies of the feminine persuasion,
      which you wouldn't do anyway because your mind is on the higher
      matters;

      – if you are the lady Staffie, or the man Staffie who is not a
      Wizard, you should invest in the preventatives and avoid having the
      eight sons, especially if you yourself are the eighth child
      (although eight daughters is allowed).

      My friends, keep these two things in mind, and Fernando guarantees
      that no Sourcerers' war will turn the Disc into the pigeon this
      month!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians, your End of the World is caused by the lower-class thugs,
      skin-heads, bovverers and bogans in the Shades, breeding vicious
      dogs, disrespecting decent people, and lowering the tone of the
      neighbourhood everywhere they go. Terrible signs of the end of the
      world will be seen: there will be rains of ashtrays; a stranger will
      come up to you and offer to sell you a sausage inna bun, and you
      will buy it and eat it even though you are not hungry; souffles will
      rise in the Shades; a voice will be heard saying "Pull my finger"
      and a terrible wind will blow. Fernando can hardly believe it, but
      "Disgusted from Mort Lake" in the A-M Times was right.

      It need not end this way, my friends, if you listen to "Disgusted".
      You must write a letter to the Patrician, insisting that he re-
      introduces the stocks for the crime of Looking at Decent People
      Funny, daily beatings for the small childrens, and a ban on
      Pitweilers, HungHung Wrinkly Fighting Dogs, and Giant Schmutzers,
      and remind him that he is a public servant and you are the public.

      Fernando thinks that you are safer taking your chances with the
      bovverers than writing and sending that letter.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      My Uncle's Nose (formerly The Celestial Parsnip)  24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Snippies, Fernando has the news for you, for the Celestial Parsnip
      is no more! (But do not worry, for Fernando is the careful and
      precise astrologer, and he knows that it will be back!) No more will
      you be plagued by inflammation of the nostril, for your new sign is
      My Uncle's Nose. This constellation also influences the knees and
      the earlobes, so be prepared for housewife's knee, but on the plus
      side, you no longer need fear infection if you have your ears
      pierced. Unless the needle is *really* dirty, for Fernando knows
      there is only so much the stars can do.

      Former Snippies, who are currently Nosers, you should find yourself
      a little less gullible, a bit kinder and more friendly, but Fernando
      must warn that you will also be more inclined to deviousness. And
      beware of going out in the woods alone, for you are more likely to
      get lost and confused in the wilderness than before! Your tolerance
      for milk and fools will increase, for oily foods and people with bad
      breath will decrease, and you will find yourself with the cravings
      for oysters in months with no R. This may be a good time to consider
      the change of employment: rubber shonky tester (not as exciting as
      it sounds, my friends, trust Fernando on this, for he has suffered
      the pangs of disappointment so that you do not have to) or coffee
      brewer are good jobs for Nosers.

      Nosers, your End of the World is the simple one: an exploding star
      disrupting the Disc's magical field and causing the world to be
      destroyed. Fernando knows what you are thinking: "what can I
      possibly do to prevent this, the stars are so big and so far away
      and I am so insignificant!" It is true that you are insignificant,
      but do not be afeared my friends, for that is not how quantum works!
      Does not the Quantum Weather Butterfly flapping its insignificant
      little wings cause the massive storms that sinks ships and washes
      Howondaland alaphents out to sea? And so it is with you, for the
      stars say, all you need do to influence the star to not explode is
      to stand on one leg, flap your arms at the elbows, and shout
      "PINK!!!!" at the top of your voice while wearing a banananananana
      skin on your head. It's a million to one chance, so how can it fail?

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Fernando has often marvelled at how the Universe conspires to pile
      excitement upon excitement on the Boring'uns, and the end of the
      world is no exception. (Although to be fair, and Fernando is always
      the scruplefully fair, it is hard to think of an end to the world
      which is not exciting in the worst way.) And so it is, for the stars
      tell Fernando that the end of the world you face is Discquakes and
      volcanic eruptions. Most of Ankh-Morpork will sink into the slurry
      that it is built on; for the rest of the city, and most of the Disc,
      the stars suggest that if you live within 300 miles of the coast,
      you learn to swim. Unfortunately, this won't do you any good when
      the boiling rock, fat and butterscotch comes flooding across the
      plains faster than a horse can gallop.

      But do not despair, my friends, for what the Gods take away in one
      hand, they often give back in the other. Well, quite often.
      Reasonably often. Sometimes. For in this case, while your end of the
      world is full of explosions and excitement and rather large waves,
      everything that Boring'uns despise, to avoid this fate requires
      nothing more than you to indulge your natural inclinations. Next
      week, you will be eating lunch when somebody will offer you the hot
      mustard to put on your corned beef. When you decline the offer,
      others may think your tastes are the boring and unexciting, but you
      will know that you are actually saving the world.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Andies, as matches your double-personality sign, you have two ends
      of the world, not one! In one, the Disc freezes as the Wintersmith
      rules without limit. The oceans will freeze, even at the Rim. Ice
      and snow will cover the land, and then just ice, when it is too cold
      for even snow. The Ice Giants will celebrate their victory over the
      Gods, but let Fernando tell you that this will not last for long as
      it gets too cold even for them, and trust Fernando on this, that's
      pretty cold.

      In the other leg of the trousers, it is not the Wintersmith but Lady
      Summer, and the Disc will cook, and the oceans will dry out, and
      eventually there will be nothing but the baked, cracked rock and
      Fire Elementals complaining about the humidity.

      But do not be afeared, for with Fernando's help, you can avoid both
      of these legs and find yourself in the third leg, where neither fate
      occur. This is the case where you cannot influence the quantums
      yourself, unless you are the powerful witch. (Wizards, it seems, are
      out of luck this time, or so the stars say.) But for those who are
      not, there is the simple alternative: there are 37 major religions
      in Ankh-Morpork. Start praying and tithing, and *one* of the Gods
      will surely help. Probably.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, if you ignore Fernando's most excellente advice, you will
      find yourself in the wrong leg of the trousers of time, afflicted by
      the many signs that the Apocralypse is upon you: plagues of frog, a
      snake shall give birth to a two-headed woman, rivers of blood, small
      streams of chocolate milk, and Kicklebury Untied will win the Ankh-
      Morpork Footsball Cup. The lion shall lie down with the lamb, and
      both shall be eaten by mice. A rooster shall lay the same egg three
      times, and there shall be unusually mild weather for this time of
      year. And then Pestilence shall ride forth upon the lands, spreading
      divers plagues and plagues of divers.

      If you wish to avoid this, and of course you do, pay attention to
      Fernando, for his plan is sheer elegance in its simplicity. The
      quantums can be tweaked by the simple application of a bolt of
      lightning to a small barrel containing exactly 87 one-inch iron
      nails, a small jar of onion relish, the left shoe belonging to a
      ballerina who has seen the Opera Ghost, and two hairs from the
      eyebrow of a one-legged man who owns a cat called George (the cat is
      called George, not the man... the man can be called anything.
      Including George. Trust Fernando on this, for he has done his
      homework). If you need assistance with the lightning, Fernando knows
      a freelancing Igor who can help. But don't let the wizards find out,
      for they are rarely pleased by amateurs performing magic, even for
      such a good cause as preventing plagues of divers.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, your end of the world is the collapse and disintegration of
      the Disc caused by Dwarfs digging all the way into the soft chewy
      caramelised centre beneath the crust. Signs of this disaster will
      include floods of treacle and molasses, cities disappearing into
      holes in the ground, and Dwarfs hurrying back to the mountains with
      sheepish looks on their face – not that it will do them any good
      when the Disc falls apart. Not that Fernando blames the Dwarfs, you
      understand. When the end of the world comes, chances are that it
      will be *someone's* fault, that's just the way these things go.
      (Fernando's money is on those Wizards in the High Energy Magic
      Building.) But do not be afeared, for all is not lost with
      Fernando's molto excellente advice gleaned from the stars. For the
      quantums are in flux, and to make them fluxate one way rather than
      the other is simply a matter of stirring your tea counterclockwise
      rather than clockwise for the next four days. Five to be absolutely
      sure. Better make it six. And don't skimp on the sugar, trust
      Fernando on this.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Big Chicken (formerly The Rather Large Gazunda) 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Gazundians, you too have the new constellation influencing your
      future! No more is The Rather Large Gazunda in the zodiac, you are
      now in the sign of The Big Chicken. You may find yourself a little
      more desiring of company of others, and a little less inclined to
      throw your rubbish over the fence into the next door neighbour's
      back yard. (Fernando does not condone this behaviour, unless your
      neighbour is annoying and deserves it.) The body parts of your new
      sign are the big toes, the forehead and the hips. If you are
      considering a change in profession, let the stars recommend crab
      fisherman (that is, you catch crabs, not that you turn into a crab
      and catch fish) or confrontational spoken word performance artist.

      Squawkers, the stars tell Fernando that your end of the world shall
      occur when the moon is accidentally bumped by Great A'Tuin's
      flipper, sending it spiralling down to crash in Agatea, which in
      turn will cause the Disc to tip upside down. But do not be afeared,
      my friends, for the stars say that you can avoid this fate very
      simply. All you need do is have Great A'Tuin flap *up* instead of
      *down* at exactly 3:45am next Thursday week. Unfortunately, the
      stars do not say how you should do that, but Fernando has the full
      confidence in your inventiveness!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, your personal end of the world is the Rapture, when
      people will start chanting in rhyme about the importance of being
      respected, the annoyance of the City Watch, gardening implements
      (hoes, but not shovels for some reason), and the wearing of hoods.
      People will begin dressing tastefully in the gold chains and ankh-
      stones like Fernando (perhaps not *quite* like Fernando, for very
      few are as tastefully dressed as he), and there will be the terrible
      spate of the young mens driving fast carts and shooting people with
      crossbows. Finally there will be sudden outbreaks of people dropping
      to the ground and spinning around athletically to repetitive music
      until they break. This will continue until the spinning unbalances
      the Disc enough for it to come off Great A'Tuin completely.

      But do not be afeared, for the stars say that you can avoid this
      fate by dressing badly in the unattractive clothes, having little or
      no rhythm when dancing, and drinking much tea. So do not worry, for
      as Ankh-Morporkians, you barely have to change a thing!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      2) LATE BREAKING NEWS

      The City of Small Gods Terry Pratchett Fan Club now has a home!
      TCoSGTPFC meets on the last Thursday of the month from 6.30pm at the
      Ed Castle, 233 Currie St, Adelaide (South Australia). Details,
      discussions and organisation of extra events (such as play outings)
      are held on their email mailing list, so do sign up at:

      https://groups.google.com/group/adelaide-discworld-fans


      *


      On the Glorious 25th, the brave and doughty Camilla completed her
      sponsored Lilac to Ventoux bicycle ride, raising £871 for
      Alzheimer's research in Europe and America:

      "I still can't quite believe I did it. As with childbirth, I've
      quickly forgotten the pain, the effort, the concentration and the
      heavy breathing required to climb a mountain on a bike. All that's
      left is the occasional involuntary screech uttered as I attempt to
      descend stairs, and a bunch of memories that seem to belong to
      someone else. I don't know why this is – maybe it's because,
      as I look out the window at the shadow of Ventoux in the darkening
      evening sky, it seems impossible that I – 41 years old, and of a
      distinctly Nanny Oggish build – could have managed it..."

      For a full report, with iconographs, go to:

      http://lilactoventoux.livejournal.com/5676.html

      WOSSNAME extends its congratulations to an admirable, determined
      lady!

      ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ———————————————————————————————————
      If you have any questions or requests, write:
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      ———————————————————————————————————
      Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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