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WOSSNAME -- April 2011 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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  • WOSSNAME-owner@yahoogroups.com
    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion April 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 4, Post 3) *****************************************************************
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 30, 2011
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      April 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 4, Post 3)



      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno! The Lady Asterisk is unavailable to be your astrologer
      this month, for she is indisposed on account of carrots. But do not
      be afeared, for it is I, Fernando Magnifico, and I shall be your
      astrologer this month!

      My friends, this has been the very busy month for Fernando. As he
      mentioned last month, Great A'tuin has made the small course
      correction and Fernando has been the very busy adjusting his star
      charts. The other astrologers, they do not consider this change to
      be important enough to bother with. Not important? And they call
      themselves astrologers! Fernando is diligent and tells you that even
      the smallest change in the stars can have great effects!

      Fernando is pleased to announce that, on the 16th of next month,
      between 3:08am and 5:42am precisely, the constellation of The
      Adamant Hedgehog will be temporarily replaced by Jo-Jo The Boy-Faced
      Dog. One of the little-known constellations, Fernando is the first
      to admit, but for those two and a half hours, Hoggers will find
      their personality to be completely different! You will find yourself
      surprisingly patient and kindly-disposed towards your lessers (and,
      as a Hogger, you consider the Disc is *filled* with your lessers);
      your prognostication skills will be replaced by a remarkable talent
      for decorating cakes; and your shoulder-blades and kidneys will
      become the important organs for you. Afterwards, a passing comet
      will nudge the stars back into position, and you will be your usual
      spiky, arrogant self again.

      And this month holds the very important and holy days of Soul Cake
      Duck Tuesday, Flapjack Wednesday, Lentil Week and Not Too Bad
      Friday. Fernando has been back and forth to Brindisi to visit his
      sainted mamma and has hardly had time to eat the flapjacks or wear
      ashes in his underwear. (Do not be concerned, my friends, for the
      Gods understand that Fernando does not let his devotions slide, for
      Fernando's very existence is the best devotion to the Gods.)

      Fernando has asked the stars for the advice on which Gods' religious
      celebrations you should give the extra attention to this month.
      Fernando understands that you all have your personal gods, and
      Fernando does not intend to convert you. But the Gods do believe
      that you can't have too much piety, and it never hurts to share a
      little of it around, capisce?

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr
      (and Jo-Jo The Boy-Faced Dog)

      Hoggers, the religious celebration you should give attention to this
      month is the holy day of Nori the Flaming Kelp, whose prophet
      Makirol led His people into 20 generations of slavery. Fernando can
      tell you that the most important ceremony of the day is that of
      Shinkansen, where hundreds of worshippers are pushed by specially
      trained troll ushers into a large wagon were they stand for hours,
      packed like sardines carefully ignoring each other. Do not be
      afeared of fainting, my friends, for you cannot possibly fall with
      nine other people jammed around you. In fact, it can be kind of
      restful, once you get used to the discomfort and smell and leg
      cramps and inability to move your hands even an inch. At the end of
      the day, it is traditional to drink hot green tea and eat tuna rolls
      without tuna. Or rice.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Munchers, the stars say you should celebrate the holy day of Big Bad
      Arty Brown, God of Hellfire, shouting really loudly, and also of
      accidentally setting yourself on fire while singing. As part of the
      celebrations, you are supposed to accidentally set your hair on fire
      with a candle, but do not be afeared my friends, for only the most
      devoted or clumsy actually do this. Trust Fernando when he tells you
      that it is sufficient to merely singe your eyebrows a little, put on
      a hat with red and orange flames painted on it, and then run around
      the room shouting symbolically and beating at the symbolic flames.


      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians, your holy day is that of Pass-by, the celebration of
      deliverance when the Heavenly Angel went from house to house
      collecting signatures for a petition to have the Ice Giants evicted
      from Club Celestial. But the Prophet Jebediah made the small signs
      saying "No unsolicited callers" and handed them out to the Righteous
      Ones, who put them on their door and the Angel passed-by their
      house, except for Jimbo the Foolish who threw his away and had to
      listen to the Angel going on and on about the Ice Giants for an
      hour, and by the time he got free, his supper was cold. So every
      year, at the celebration of Pass-by, worshippers eat a piping hot
      feast and leave one plate out to get cold in remembrance of Jimbo.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Staffies, your holy day is the Crash of the Titans, when the Titans
      Jubal and Early had rather too much to drink and crashed the
      celestial cart into Uberwald. Some people believe it was the Fifth
      Elephant and not the Titans, but Fernando knows that when it comes
      to religion, they can both be true at the same time, for what is
      truth compared to having the Gods come knocking at 2am with sharp


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians, let Fernando tell you that your deity is Ceedi the Holy Old
      Gin-Soaked Lush, consort to the Oh God and goddess of morning after
      regrets, badly applied mascara, and walking home from the nightclub
      with your shoes in your hand. During the Week of Kahluau, your
      celebrations include the much drinking of sticky cocktails, sending
      embarrassing messages to ex-lovers on your Gooseberry, and dancing
      on tables in only your underwear (but not *professionally*, my
      friends, you must understand, not unless you are the member of the
      Guild of Ecdysiasts – trust Fernando on this).


      The Celestial Parsnip  24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Snippies, your celebration is the Miracle of the Nail, when the God
      Placebo caused the kingdom of the Sorbelites to fall for want of a
      nail. As the sacred prayer goes:

      For Want of the Nail, the Kingdom will fall.
      For Want of the Nail, the Horseshoe was lost.
      And the boy picked up the Horseshoe and threw
      it over his shoulder for luck.
      Whereby it hit some guy on the head.
      And he got angry and said, Who threw this
      bloody horseshoe, I'll knock his teeth out.
      And the boy said, It wasn't me, nobody saw me
      do it, it was that man over there.
      And the First Man picked up a Chair and hit
      the Second Man.

      It goes on like this for a few dozen pages, and then ends:

      And so the Mob dragged the King out into the
      street and fed him to his own crocodiles.
      And thus fell the Kingdom of the Sorbelites.
      Blessing be upon Placebo.

      Start learning it now, my friends, for you will have to recite the
      whole thing from memory while standing on one leg in a pail of sour


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Boring'uns, let Fernando tell you that your religious celebration is
      that of the World-Chihuahua Fenneck, who (so it is said) is destined
      to be there at the End of the World, when the Ice Giants ride out
      over the Disc against the Gods themselves, and Fenneck will sit on
      the couch trembling and finally will cause the downfall of Blind Io
      by humping his leg at an inopportune moment. My friends, you will be
      relieved to hear that all you need to do on this day of celebration
      is to sit on your own couch trembling, something that Boring'uns are
      very good at doing, and even more relieved to hear that you don't
      have to hump anyone's leg.


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Andies, your holy day is that of the two-faced god with the two
      names, Jarse/Janice. In his male incarnation, Jarse is the God of
      thresholds, scene changes in the theatres, new moons and old
      cheeses, while Janice is the Goddess of leaning out of windows, the
      hearths that really need a good scrubbing, taking things out of
      ovens, and hatchings. In both forms, the God/Goddess is well known
      for making the promises to his/her followers but not delivering. In
      fact, my friends, Jarse/Janice is well known on Cori Celesti for
      his/her feud with Fedecks, Messenger of the Gods, for not
      delivering! This feud has been going on for so many centuries that
      Blind Io is now thinking of serving Jarse/Janice with a DASBO, the
      Divine Anti-Social Behaviour Order that even the Gods fear. Fernando
      knows that this is so, for the stars themselves have told him.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, your holy day is the Heavenly Slack Day Off, when the
      prayers of the faithful allowed the god Ferris to save himself and
      defeat the evil demon Rooney who wants to enslave him in eternal
      boredom. On this holy day, you must eat unusual organ meats, watch
      other people playing sports, come up with excuses for staying away
      from work, and generally take it easy. However, my friends, let
      Fernando give you the advice: to be true to the real spirit of the
      Slack Day Off, you cannot just take it easy on the officially
      sactioned holiday, but must have your slack day when you are
      supposed to be doing something else. Fernando can tell you of the
      time when the High Priest himself was found slacking off at the
      theatre when he was supposed to be leading the prayers of the
      faithful at the official Slack Day Off mass. Truly he is a holy man.


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, the stars tell Fernando that your religious day is the holy
      day of Nigelia, the Goddess of prosperity (by Fernando's count, one
      of at least thirty-seven Goddesses of prosperity), little shiny cake
      decorations (Fernando is astonished at the tiny edible ball bearings
      you get in Ankh-Morpork! Who else would have thought to make ball
      bearings you can eat?), and rich food that sits in your stomach like
      lead. This day celebrates the time when she baked a curry so hot
      that the gods themselves could not eat it, so they threw it out the
      window and destroyed the city of Flurm and two hundred square miles
      of prime farmland around it. But do not be saddened, my friends, for
      the people of Flurm were all wicked (especially the babies) and so
      deserved their fate.


      The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Gazundians, your holy day is that of the Shirtless Man, a demi-god
      still worshipped in secret in some rural communities far from the
      watchful eyes of the Patrician and the Archbishop Ridcully. You will
      celebrate the day the Shirtless Man cut himself up and baked himself
      in a pie to win a bet with his father, and came back alive after
      three days in the Underworld, without his shirt. (Fernando knows
      that those succubi just won't take no for an answer. Many a night
      Fernando can hardly sleep for all the succubi lining up. Fernando
      tells them, all at once or one at a time, it's all the same to
      Fernando, but he will need his beauty sleep, or after a few weeks he
      will start looking merely ordinary. And that buying him a new shirt
      is their problem, not Fernando's.)


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, the stars say that you should give your devotion to
      Joligrin, the God of peas, shoes that are just slightly too small,
      pieces of paper that you had just put down a minute ago and now you
      can't find, and forest fires. The avatar of Joligrin is a being with
      the body of a man and the head of a different man. On his holy day,
      you eat peas, wear seven pairs of socks, and beat the tar out of any
      children you meet unless they are carrying an egg. This is not cruel
      to the children, for it impresses on them a sense of awe and
      religious devotion, and learning to carry an egg around improves
      their co-ordination. Trust Fernando on this, for he knows that it is





      The Falmouth and Exeter Cornwall Campus Light Entertainment Society
      (FECCLES) will present their production of Wyrd Sisters in May.

      WHEN: 12th and 13th May 2011
      VENUE: The Poly, Falmouth, Cornwall UK
      TIME: 7:30pm
      TICKETS:£7 (£5 concession)



      BATS (Burneside Amateur Theatrical Society) will stage their special
      production of Mort in May:

      "Staged by the trusty talents of Burneside Amateur Theatrical
      Society, the cast includes many BATS stalwarts, including Jackie
      O'Sullivan as well as another well-known Lakeland entertainer, Bob
      Christie... However, some of the younger members of BATS play the
      principal roles and could possibly steal the show such is their high
      standard of acting... BATS prop genius Alison Harkness has woven her
      magic into the production and director Gordon Lawson has designed
      and built – with Chris Elleray – a superb set that brings Terry
      Pratchett's fantasy world into the Bryce... Meanwhile, mystery
      surrounds the identity of who plays Death. Except to say, he's a
      sizeable six-feet six."

      WHEN: May 12th-14th 2011
      VENUE: Bryce Institute, Burneside
      TIME: 7.30pm
      TICKETS: Box office 07792-777213.


      BATS on Facebook:



      What Discworld started, the fans have taken up around Roundworld.
      Don't forget your lilac – especially as more and more people are
      doing Lilac Day-themed fundraising. The 25th of May is also
      international – or intergalactic – Towel Day, and some wags are
      combining the two by wearing lilac-coloured towels. What will you do
      for Lilac Day this year?

      You could buy a pin:

      "On May 25th, fans of Sir Terry Pratchett's novels 'wear the lilac'
      in honor of the events in the novel Night Watch. Now, we have an
      even more important reason to do so - supporting Alzheimer's
      research around the world. These lilac pins are made from life-size
      silk blooms and tied with a black velvet ribbon. A light lilac satin
      grosgrain ribbon is available for those who would like to give the
      pin as a gift to a friend or family member. The large size blooms
      are approximately the size of a lady's corsage spray, and the
      smaller blooms are the size of a gentleman's buttonhole/boutonniere.

      "Each pin is $10.00 US, which includes USPS First Class shipping
      within the US and Puerto Rico. Shipping is combined in multiple pin
      orders. The cost for each additional pin is $5.00 US. For example,
      three pins (3 x $5.00) shipped to the same address ($5.00 shipping)
      would be $20.00. Prices for international orders are the same as in
      the US. Shipping overseas is via USPS First Class International
      Mail. To place an order, simply click on the image of the pin you
      would like to order on the left hand side of the page and add it to
      the Paypal shopping cart. Your shipping will be calculated with your

      "If you want to donate to Wear the Lilac and don't want a pin,
      you're welcome to do so. All donations are declared in the periodic
      financial/donation update link lower down the page. Just send the
      money to whimsy.wearables@... via Paypal or send us an email
      for the snail mail address...

      "The proceeds from the sales of these pins were donated to
      Alzheimer's research on May 25th 2008, split between the American
      Alzheimer's Association and the Alzheimer's Research Trust. Another
      donation will be made on May 25, 2009, and each May 25th thereafter.
      Please go to www.alz.org or www.alzheimers-research.org.uk if you
      would like more information."


      ...or a towel:

      "I am an avid reader and fan of fantasy and science fiction. This is
      what makes May 25th such a challenge: celebrate Towel Day or Wear
      the Lilac? Towel Day first began in 2001, two weeks following the
      death of beloved author Douglas Adams... In Terry Pratchett's
      Night Watch (one of my favorites), several characters Wear the Lilac
      on May 25th in remembrance of the Glorious Revolution of Treacle
      Mine Road. Given Pratchett's diagnosis of early onset
      Alzheimer's in 2007, fans now Wear the Lilac both in celebration
      of Pratchett and to raise awareness and funding for Alzheimer's

      "Want to celebrate both? Etsy artist The Lazy Daisy is offering a
      towel featuring the lilac, a portion of the proceeds to benefit
      Alzheimer's research around the world: http://tinyurl.com/5r5qz36

      To view this entire post, go to: http://tinyurl.com/3bncg5k

      ...or design a new Lilac Day fundraiser:

      "On Twitter a few of us were talking about this and suggesting that
      we wouldn't want one or other day to get the upper hand, as it
      were, leaving the other day less noticed. The net result of that
      conversation was that perhaps we should all wear towelling robes on
      May 25th. The robes would be lilac in colour and have DON'T PANIC
      embroidered on the back, with all sales proceeds going to
      www.alz.org or www.alzheimers-research.org.uk.

      "You heard it here first. Get on board. And if anyone wants to
      manufacture those robes and donate the profits to Alzheimer's
      research then I'm sure karma would reward you generously."


      More fundraising jewellery for Lilac Day:


      A collection of lovely Night Watch- and lilac-wearing-related blog


      Someone's already done the easy option:


      Someone's counting down to the day:


      Someone else knows that the lilac comes before the towel in order of



      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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