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WOSSNAME -- March 2011 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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  • WOSSNAME-owner@yahoogroups.com
    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion February 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 3, Post 5)
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 30, 2011
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      February 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 3, Post 5)




      Well, for once Fernando wasn't late delivering his horoscope, but
      unfortunately the wheels fell off my Clacks connection shortly
      after I posted the main March issue a few days ago! Now we are back
      on the aether, so below is all you need to know from the stars for
      the next month.

      On the subject of our *very dear* departed founder Joe Schaumburger,
      a number of readers have c-mailed to ask if I'd made a gaffe in
      leaving Joe's name (with the usual text of "still ate'nt dead") on
      the masthead. As I told a enquirers, and am now telling the rest of
      you, it was a conscious decision rather than a mistake. I'd looked
      at it and concluded there were three choices: remove it altogether
      (which, to me, felt disrespectful), change the text to "finally
      dead" (which seemed perhaps in bad taste), or leave it as it was as
      a gesture of respect, in the knowledge that Joe himself would have
      been amused. So there you have it. Vale Joe, may he rest in peace
      down in the Underwater Campus...

      – Annie Mac


      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando Magnifico! My friends, the
      Lady Asterisk is unavailable this month for she has overdosed on
      Klatchian coffee and is too knurd to work, but do not be afeared,
      for Fernando is here for all your prognostication needs!

      My friends, Fernando has the thrilling news – Great A'tuin is
      about to make the small course adjustment, which will lead to the
      change of the constellations. Remember, you have read this here
      first, for Fernando pays attention to the stars, not like those
      other astrologers (Fernando will not mention any names), who would
      not notice the stars if one fell out of the sky and landed in their
      beer. Very soon, just a handful of weeks from now, one of the signs
      will change. Will it be yours? Patience, my friends, for you will
      have the answers next month!

      But in the meantime, Fernando is not one to leave you without your
      astrological guide! Fernando has consulted the stars for advice on
      the three P's: painting, plumbing and plastering – to say nothing
      of the other home improvements. My friends, it is the nature of
      homes that there is always something in need of repair or
      replacement, whether you live in the tiny shack in the woods or the
      great fancy castle on top of the hill. And this is the so very
      expensive, in these difficult times Fernando often receives the
      letters from his devoted readers (that is you, my friends!) asking
      how to save the money on home repairs. And for some, there may even
      be the opportunity to go professional! They call it "Do It
      Yourself", but it is much better to Do It With Fernando. Trust
      Fernando on this, for he knows it is so.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Hoggers, your home improvement is the painting. Whether you come
      from the school of "throw a bucket of whitewash over it", or prefer
      the ceiling murals of Leonardo of Quirm, nothing freshens up the
      house like a fresh coat of paint. If you follow the stars' advice,
      you won't need to settle for the bucket of whitewash applied with a
      broom, for the painting can be very economical when you do it
      yourself. There is nothing like a nice coat of "Agatea Red" or
      "Quirmian Green" paint to make the childrens bedrooms look
      cheerful. For the best results and most hard-wearing paint, a good
      undercoat of "flake white" is essential. Always paint in strong,
      straight strokes, and make sure that all the doors and windows are
      kept closed to stop the fumes from the River Ankh reacting with the


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      As well as being very exciting, Fernando is very excited this month,
      for the well-known NoThingfjord merchants Icli und Dottirs are
      opening a store in Ankh-Morpork. Icli are famous for two things: the
      value for money of their Do It Yourself furniture, and the amusing
      NoThingfjord names of their products. Sandies, let Fernando tell you
      that the timing could not be better, for the stars say that your
      home improvement is to build a bookcase. Fernando recommends the
      "Timmy" at AM$4, which comes in seven exciting colours, such as
      lime-green, scarlet and tangerine. Your friends will admire your
      handiwork, and someday when you buy a book, you will have a place to
      proudly put it on display!


      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians, the stars tell Fernando that your home improvement is one
      which does not depend on expensive tools or trade secrets, but does
      require the good eye for detail and the excellente imagination: home
      decorating. My friends, do not listen to that self-proclaimed
      "celebrity decorator" Larry Llewellyn-Llewellyn-Llewellyn, instead
      you cannot go wrong by listening to Fernando's excellente advice,
      for his taste cannot be pecked! Any house can be improved with a few
      leopard-skin throw rugs, especially those with the gold tassels
      along the edges. For the bedroom, who can resist the Brindisian
      imported furniture from Frankie Di Cozi, especially the swan-bed?
      (Fernando has the Deified Imperial size.) And for the living room,
      the centrepiece of any decoration should be the portrait of Enrico
      Basilico on the black velvet. Your friends will be in awe of your
      taste and class!


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Staffies, your home improvement is the full spring-clean (regardless
      of whether it is now spring or not). Time to throw out all that old
      junk that has been accumulating, brush the cobwebs from the corners
      of the rooms, and give the kitchen floor a good scrub before the
      poor old cat gets stuck to it for good. But listen carefully to
      Fernando and the stars, and save yourself from having to explain
      yourself to *both* Archchancellor Ridcully and Lord Vetinari: if you
      have any magical talent at all, under no circumstances be tempted to
      use Widestanly's Wonderful Exgrimeinator broomstick spell. Trust
      Fernando on this.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Fernando knows that Bilians have intimate knowledge of the indoor
      plumbing from the many, oh-so-many, hours worshipping at the alter
      of the Oh-god, but the stars say that your home improvement skill is
      to learn the plumbing from the other side, so to speak. Let Fernando
      give you the little secret that the Plumbers and Dunnikin Divers
      Guild does not wish you to know: water flows *downhill*, my friends,
      except for the river Ankh which has been known to slowly climb up
      over the embankment on extremely hot days. With your new skills you
      can finally fix the leaky tap in the kitchen, and most important,
      adjust the height of the porcelain altar to be more comfortable
      during your next devotions.


      The Celestial Parsnip  24 Aug - 23 Sept

      It is well-known that the best stonemasons come from Llamedos, but
      do not let that discourage you, for anyone with the natural talent
      and skill can become the excellente mason. Fortunately for you, my
      friends, the stars tell Fernando that Snippies such as yourself have
      that talent! For you, all you need is the hundreds of hours of
      practice, and you will be able to do your own masonry around the
      house without paying the outrageous prices. (Except perhaps for the
      Brindisian Marble, but Fernando promises you that you will not be
      sorry to pay the extra, for it is the much better marble than that
      Omnian rubbish. They call it marble, but to Fernando's eye it is
      more like the scoria!) And Fernando also knows that there is the
      many new openings for good, or at least cheap, stonemasons in the
      troll community: many trolls are turning to the masons for that
      fashionable naturally craggy look. For the practising, the stars say
      that the good place to practise is the local quarry, and the bad
      places to practise include the Patrician's Palace, and on a golem.
      Lord Vetinari will have something to say about the first, and Miss
      Dearheart of the Golem Trust about the second, and frankly my
      friends, Fernando is not sure which is the more terrifying.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Boring'uns, Fernando has the good news for you, for your "do it
      yourself" improvement to do yourself is quiet, safe and, most
      importantly, not the least bit exciting: not for you is the
      excitement of watching paint dry, or the danger of carpet-laying
      (all those sharp carpet tacks are a worry). Instead, the stars tell
      Fernando that the best home improvement you can do is to keep a tidy
      house, to carefully fold your clothes each night when you go to bed,
      and to avoid any wild parties which might lead to the need for the
      home repairs. Fortunately none of these will be difficult, for you
      are already doing them.


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Fernando knows that one of the big problems in parts of Ankh-Morpork
      is subsidence. Some houses have sunk so much that the owners climb
      in through the second story window without a ladder. If this is your
      problem, do not be afeared my friends, for the stars say that your
      home improvement is the underpinning! (Do not confuse this with the
      under-pining, which is what the Hubland Blue cave parrot does when
      it misses the fjords.) With only a few pieces of timber, some
      bricks, and the aid of a troll or two for the heavy lifting, you can
      stabilise your house and prevent it from sinking further into the
      abandoned sewers, ancient basements, and maze of Dwarf tunnels under
      A-M. (That is to say, tunnels made by Dwarfs, not tunnels which are
      smaller than expected. Morporkian is the strange language my
      friends.) Especially beware of allowing your house to sink into the
      Undertaking – this is another thing which Lord Vetinari has strong
      opinions on, which he will not hesitate to share.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, the stars tell Fernando that your home repair is roofing.
      It is the dangerous hobby, to be up on the roof afixing slates or
      tiles, always with the danger of a long drop to land on something
      hard, but at least with the thatch roof you *start* on something
      soft! Listen to Fernando, my friends, for he has the safety tips
      which will keep you safe, or at least less unsafe. Beware of the
      lightning, do not trip over the gargoyles, watch out for the
      slippery pigeon doings, and do not let the constant interruptions
      from rooftop users like thieves and assassins distract you from the
      fact that a short drop and a sudden stop can be fatal even without
      the services of the famous Daniel "One Drop" Trooper.


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Fernando is molto fortunate to live in the year of the Pensive Hare,
      for now the glass for the windows is becoming very nearly affordable
      for most people. Of course there are always some, like Fernando's
      grandmama Angelina, who believes that having the natural light in
      the house is unnatural. "If the gods intended us to have glass
      windows," she says (only in Brindisian, you understand), "they
      wouldn't have given us candles." But for the rest of us, the glass
      window is the very popular, and in the better areas of Ankh-Morpork
      many modern people are having the glass fitted to their windows. And
      since very few places in Ankh-Morpork are more than a stone's throw
      from bored street urchins and easily-prised up cobblestones, there
      is the constant need for the glazier to replace the glass fitted to
      their windows. Fernando suggests the use of tempered glass, but
      beware of the windows in the Unreal Estate district near Unseen
      University, where it is far more likely to be bad-tempered glass.


      The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

      My friends, although "they" say to put your money into bricks and
      mortar, these things are nothing without the timber frame to build
      on! The stars say that your home improvement skill is the carpentry,
      a very useful skill, especially in Ankh-Morpork where some people in
      the Shades can throw up a couple of walls and a roof over any
      cleared land in under thirty minutes, and in another thirty minutes
      have a dozen witnesses swearing that the house has been there for
      generations. Of course, Fernando understands that *others* in the
      Shades can have the lead off the roof in 60 seconds, but this is not
      the problem for the carpenter.


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, the stars tell Fernando that your home handyman skill to
      learn is that of the plasterer. Good plastering is an art: Fernando
      can tell you that master plastering should be as smooth as the skin
      of a Brown Islands maiden, and as white as the Agatean kubuki actor.
      Listen carefully to Fernando, for with skill and care you will
      really go places! Most of those places will be down at the local pub
      to fix the walls after the nightly brawl, but once you have made the
      name for yourself as the virtuoso plasterer, the stars say that you
      can be invited to the homes of of the rich and powerful, especially
      to fix up the ceiling mouldering in Great-Grandfather's lizard-
      pressing room.


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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