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WOSSNAME -- February 2011 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion February 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 2, Post 2)
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 27, 2011
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      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      February 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 2, Post 2)


      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando Magnifico, and I shall be
      your astrologer this month for the Lady Asterisk is tired and
      emotional after a difficult prognostication.

      My friends, Fernando may have mentioned to you once or twice before
      that he is the great lover. Fernando's fame often precedes him, very
      often when he goes down the street many mens call out "There's that
      love-making Fernando again!" and rush inside their houses. Fernando
      can only guess it is to revive their swooning wives and daughters,
      and sometimes the sons as well, for Fernando believes there is
      enough Fernando to go round for all.

      Fernando is the full of passione for his lovers, giving them all
      110% of his attention when he is with them, but when it is time to
      move on, he understands that this is all part of the great circle of
      life. Sometimes there are the tears, even from Fernando for he has
      the much passione and he is manly enough to admit he cries, but
      never the recriminations for, deep in their heart of hearts,
      Fernando's lovers know that there is too much Fernando for any one
      person to be with all the time. Although his lovers are the
      heartbroken, they too are relieved, for being with Fernando for too
      long must be like that last moment for the moth as it circles closer
      and closer to the beautiful candle flame that is so attractive she
      cannot resist it!

      And so my friends, this is Fernando's curse and his responsibility,
      that he must ration himself to others, or watch them burn like the
      moth. My friends, not everyone has the skill and luck in the romance
      like Fernando, and for you the problem is not that your romance is
      the too good, like it is for Fernando, but that you will be trapped
      in the bad romance. But Fernando will help you, for he has consulted
      with the stars and will give you the excellente advice on how to
      avoid the bad romances.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Hoggers, the bad romance the stars warn you about is the romance
      with the Gods. The gods often manifest in the form of the golden
      shower, a bull, a swan, or the toffee-covered apple on a stick[1] to
      romance the handsome young mortal. Such things always seem like a
      good idea at the time, but the stars warn that they usually end with
      someone being eaten by their own hunting dogs or being turned into a
      spider. Fernando has grown up in the village with the many beefs and
      he knows that while the bull is the very good for the lady beef, the
      bull is not so good for the people. Some things you should just not
      do, no matter how exciting they seem at the time. And while the god
      is all "I will love you forever, and as a god I really mean forever"
      at the beginning, later it is "got to go, there's a city needs
      smiting". They never call, they just leave you to deal with the
      demi-god saying "The Son of Offler doesn't take out the trash,
      mamma!". And don't forget the god's vengeful wife or husband,
      somehow it is always your fault. No my friends, trust Fernando on
      this, the romance with the gods might seem exciting, but it will end
      in tears, but not for the gods.

      [1] Editor's note: religious authorities disagree on whether it were
      toffee or some other hard-shelled candy, but apart from a few
      heretical sects, all are agreed that the fruit was an apple, or
      possibly a pear, but the actual fruit isn't actually important.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Munchers, Fernando can tell you that your bad romance to avoid is
      the unhealthy passione for the undead. Do not worry my friends, for
      Fernando has nothing against those who have the *healthy* passione
      for the undead, for who is not the little bit curious of what it
      would be like to be with the zombie or vampire or ghoul? Such things
      are perfectly natural, do not be ashamed of such feelings my
      friends. Fernando understands that everyone experiments with the
      undead at some time, perhaps in the college or the navy. But listen
      to the stars when they warn against taking such things too far, for
      such romances cannot last. They might seem like fun now, when you're
      young and excited, but in 60 years passione will cool and you will
      be a different person, but they'll still be as dead as they ever
      were. And my friends, listen to the stars' warning, for the undead
      tend to be single-minded and obsessive about all things and they
      often become the stalker who just won't say no. As they say about
      the undead romance, "when it's over, it's never over".


      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      When they are not coming down from Dunmanifestin and seducing the
      young gentlemens and ladies, the gods play the many games with
      mortals, like Mighty Empires, Mad Kings, Cataclysm, or Snakes And
      More Snakes. The stars warn that your bad romance to avoid is one of
      the gods' favourite games, Star-Crossed Lovers, like the tragedy of
      Mellius and Gretelina, or Dwayne and Persephony who were cursed to
      be forever apart because he worked nights and she was always doing
      her hair. My friends, Fernando knows what you are thinking... "If
      the gods themselves put me in the bad romance, what can I do?" Do
      not be afeared my friends, for you listen to the stars' advice, as
      learned by Fernando, and you will have at least the fighting chance.
      No matter what happens, no matter how bad it seems, do not fake your
      own death without letting your lover know of your plans. Trust
      Fernando on this, for he knows it is so!


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Staffies, the stars have told Fernando that your bad romance to
      avoid is the love triangle, the love quadrilateral, and worst of
      all, the love octagon! (For reasons that Fernando does not
      understand, it seems that the love pentagons, hexagons and heptagons
      are perfectly safe for Staffies. The universe is truly a strange and
      wonderful place, my friends.) Making the romance is the hard work,
      and the more people involved the harder it gets. This is certainly
      true for Fernando, although he understands that some people are shy
      and would not know where to put their face if with two or more
      others. Fernando does not judge, for it takes all sorts. The love
      octagon is especially bad for the Staffies who are the wizards, for
      the 7A-sided romance is sure to attract Bel-Shamharoth, the Eater of
      Souls, but then, if you are a wizard, by custom and law you are
      forbidden to have the romance at all. Fernando feels your pain, caro


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians, the bad romance for you to avoid is the Love That Dare Not
      Speak Its Name. No, not *that* Love, this is the Year of the Pensive
      Hare and the peoples are far more open-minded these days (except for
      Fernando's great-aunt Granita) and nobody will think badly of you.
      Neither is it that other Love, for that is the terrible, despicable
      abomination. Fernando does not judge, but some things are just
      unforgivable, may the gods forgive you!!! Nor is it the *other*
      Love, for Fernando understands that it takes all sorts, and so long
      as no-one gets hurt, where's the harm? But Fernando does not speak
      of any of those, for the Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name that
      Fernando speaks of is turophilia, the love of a good man or woman
      for their cheese. Such a beautiful thing it is too, blessed by the
      gods, especially if it is the nice Brindisian hard cheese. Fernando
      is particularly fond of that one with the peppercorns. But beware,
      my friends, for the stars are very clear: you should avoid the
      romance with the cheese, for it is likely to turn violent,
      especially if it has been raised by the Nac Mac Feegle.


      The Celestial Parsnip  24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Snippies, the stars tell Fernando that your bad romance to avoid is
      the serial remarriage to the same person. As the pain of the breakup
      fades, Fernando has the understanding of your temptation to idealise
      the former partner, but my friends, do not forget the reasons for
      the separation, divorce, restraining order, or in extreme cases, the
      exhumation, in the first place. Listen to Fernando's molto bene
      advice and don't be a victim of the sentimentality or nostalgia! The
      leopard does not change his shorts, and the second marriage, or the
      third, will not be better than the first. The worst case of the
      serial remarriage that Fernando knows of is Dibbly Dogood and
      Penelope Pantsdown, the famous actors at The Dysk theatre, who were
      married and annulled six times in 15 days last year. They only
      stopped when Archpriest Ridcully placed a ten year prohibition on
      them getting married, so Penelope ran off to Sto Lat with the priest
      and Dibbly eloped with the flower-girl's mother.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Many people are surprised to learn that Boring'uns can have the bad
      romance, for, so they think, Boring'uns do not have the passione
      enough for the torrid romance. My friends, how wrong they are! You
      listen to Fernando, for he knows these things, Boring'uns often --
      well, sometimes -- have the hidden depths that will surprise even
      their closest friends. Fernando could tell you stories of the
      Boring'uns "letting their hair down", as they say in Morporkian, but
      he is exhausted to even think about them! Especially that librarian
      from Llamedos... My Boring'un friends, you too must beware of the
      bad romance, for your weakness is to find the foreigners strangely
      -- and sometimes dangerously -- attractive. Fernando is reminded of
      his second cousin Valentino, who is the Boring'un with the great
      passione for romancing the foreigners, especially the Borogravian
      and Quirmian womens. He is the very successful at this romancing,
      until they learn Brindisian themselves and discover that he is even
      more incredibly boring than the usual for a Boring'un. It is the
      very sad for Valentino, who is inconsolably heart-broken until the
      next time.


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Andies, the stars tell Fernando that your bad romance is falling for
      the people with the multiple personality. Trust Fernando on this,
      for it is the very difficult to keep the romance going with somebody
      who on Mondays through Wednesdays is Alice who likes Pina Coladas,
      getting caught in the rain, and the feel of the ocean, and the rest
      of the week is Lola who drinks Bearhuggers Old Persnickety, gets in
      bar fights, and likes the feel of leather and cold steel. But do not
      worry my friends, for Androgyna Majestis is the sign of
      contradictions and differences, and so it is with the bad romance --
      if you yourself have the multiple personalities too, you can enjoy
      twice the romance with the one person!


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, it is the most natural thing for you to want to "better
      yourself" through the good marriage, as they say, but the stars warn
      that in your case it is easy for you to go too far: your bad romance
      is to be kissing frogs looking for the enchanted prince or princess.
      Trust Fernando on this, it seems like the good idea -- everybody
      wants to marry Prince Spelling, but Fernando knows that it is not
      all peeing through 15 mattresses and being pricked by the enchanted
      spinning wheels. There is also the sitting through long boring
      diplomatic speeches, and the raising of the tadpoles, to say nothing
      of being up to your derriere in the leech-infested swamp, if you
      pardon Fernando's Quirmian. And while you might eventually find the
      enchanted prince, you will have to kiss the lot of toads first!
      Fernando's nephew Adriano has licked many toads in his life, but
      Fernando would be worried about the warts, or perhaps even the being
      turned into the frog yourself! Fernando has it on the good authority
      from his cousin's landlord's brother in Genua that this once
      happened to a woman in Kythia.


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, your bad romance to avoid is the falling in love with the
      inanimate objects. Trust Fernando on this, such a thing is much more
      common than you might think! Fernando's cousin Savio on his sainted
      mamma's side is just like that, he loves his racing cart with all
      the passione that Fernando puts into the making love. Every day he
      -- Savio, not Fernando! -- is polishing his cart, touching up any
      scratches, shampooing the wheels. If only he had the horses, perhaps
      he could even take the cart for the ride and see how she handles on
      the sharp corners. (Fernando thinks it will handle like the Pirate
      Queen of Mante: exhausting, exhilarating, able to reach surprising
      angles, and you better not fall off if you value your life.) And
      just last month, there was the case of the woman who married the
      Brass Bridge, only to be caught on iconograph by the Inquirer two-
      timing with the Royal Museum of Art. Such a tragedy it is when love
      fades like this.


      The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

      The Rather Large Gazunda is the sign of Seamstresses (note the
      capitalisation well, my friends), and so it is ironic of the stars
      to say that the bad romance for Gazundians to avoid is the romance
      with the Seamstresses! So no workplace romances for the Gazundians
      who happen to be the Seamstresses themselves. My friends, as
      Fernando may have mentioned once or twice before, he does not judge,
      but some people do. Not everyone is open-minded enough to accept
      that their partner is the "working girl", as we say in Brindisi
      (only we say it in Brindisian, which is the much more beautiful on
      the ears), or sometimes the working boy, and this can cause the
      difficulty. Often, even if you yourself do not mind, it is the
      influence of the family or friends that cause the problems. It is a
      cruel world, Fernando knows, with too much judging and not enough


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians the stars tell Fernando that the bad romance you should
      avoid is the fixation with twins. My friends, who has not had the
      fantasy of the beautiful Hublander twin sisters, or the strapping
      Uberwaldean twin brothers, with the matching duelling scars, of
      course? But trust Fernando on this, it is best if you leave such
      things for the fantasies, and not the realities, for the stars warn
      that they rarely work out. There are the many pitfalls for the
      unwary, or the unlucky. While it is true that the twins will often
      tell you that they share "everything", if you know what Fernando
      means, such a promise rarely lasts. First it is the arguments about
      the toothbrush, then the complaints about eating the last slice of
      cake, and let Fernando tell you, with twins you will never again eat
      the leg of the chicken! The stars say that such romances are
      especially cursed when they are the long-lost twins, particularly if
      one is the prince or princess while the other has been raised as a
      swine-herd or milk-maid. But worst of all is when you have one good
      twin and one evil twin, for this always ends badly. Trust Fernando
      on this, for it is so!


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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