Loading ...
Sorry, an error occurred while loading the content.

WOSSNAME -- January 2011 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

Expand Messages
  • WOSSNAME-owner@yahoogroups.com
    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion January 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 1, Post 2) *****************************************************************
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 30, 2011
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      January 2011 (Volume 14, Issue 1, Post 2)


      by Fernando Magnifico

      My friends, the Lady Asterisk is unavailable this month, for she has
      come down with the bad case of pineapples, but do not worry, for it
      is I, Fernando Magnifico, and I shall be your astrologer this month!

      Fernando understands the truth about all the peoples in the Disc,
      that we are all the same under the skin. (Of course, outside the
      skin some of us are much more magnificent than others, but those who
      are not Fernando cannot help that they are not.) Is it not true that
      people's similarities are greater than their differences? If you
      prick them, do they not bleed? Do they not hunger, and thirst, the
      same as everyone else? Some people, like Fernando's uncle Lambrusco,
      suffer from the terrible thirst something wicked, or at least this
      is what he tells everyone when he falls into his third bottle of
      wine, but these are the differences of the degree and not of the
      kind. People are the same no matter where they are from – trust
      Fernando on this, for he has travelled the Disc and met the many
      people, and made the passionate love to many of them, and he knows
      this is so. As Fernando's dear sainted mamma always says, everybody
      puts on their pants one leg at a time, except for the circus acrobat
      Sebastiano the Superfluous.

      But Fernando also knows that while people everywhere are the same,
      the differences between them are also different. This is why
      Fernando has spent the many years travelling, so he can learn about
      the many wonderful – and sometimes not so wonderful – peoples and
      customs on the Disc. Fernando knows that while the stereotypes are
      often wrong, there is the little tiny kernel of truth to them. And
      so this month, let Fernando and the stars give you the guide to the
      peoples of the Disc!

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

      My Hogger friends, the stars tell Fernando that your nation is
      Agatea, the fabled Counterweight Continent, the oldest, richest,
      cruellest, most inscrutable and most wonderful on all the Disc! Like
      you, the nacionale temperament of Agatea is short-tempered, arrogant
      and spiky, but also clever, hard-working and forward-thinking. It is
      a land where the winner takes it all, and Fernando knows that this
      suits the personality of Hoggers very well. Or at least the
      personality of those Hoggers who actually win. Where else can you
      find people who work for 18 hours a day on the cup full of boiled
      rice, while others have fingernails as long as their hands and dine
      on the larks' tongues and sugared cherry-blossoms? Personally,
      Fernando prefers the good old-fashioned Brindisian cooking with
      plenty of tomatoes, garlic and squid, but the word would be the
      boring place if we all liked the same things.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      The typical Muncher is thick-skinned, single-minded, and both full
      of the passion and phlegmatic at the same time, sometimes even about
      the same things. And so it is that the stars tell Fernando that the
      people you are most alike are the nomadic horse-tribes of the
      Steppes. That is to say, tribes of the mens who ride the horses, not
      tribes of horses – Morporkian is the strange language full of traps
      for the unwary! The horse-men of the Steppes are renowned for their
      passion for the freedom of the plains and their independence from
      others, but they are also known for being reserved, stoic and quiet.
      At least right up to the moment that fifty thousand screaming
      warriors ride up on their hardy ponies and burn your city to the
      ground. Do not worry my friends, this hardly ever happens these


      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians, the nation your sign is closest to is Llamedos, where the
      people are dour and humourless. The stars tell Fernando that Herne
      himself spends much time running up and down the hills of Llamedos,
      in the rain, often being chased by the fox or dog. Fernando
      understands that this is all part of a day's work for the God of
      little animals whose destiny is to die with a squeak. Alone. In the
      rain. But my friends, Llamedos is more than just rocks and druids
      and rugby in the rain, for Llamedos is also home to Evil Harry
      Dread, one of the last Dark Lords on the Disc. But Fernando also has
      the exciting news, my friends, for Fernando has heard the very
      reliable rumour from a cousin who heard it from *his* cousin who
      knows a man who witnessed it with his very own eyes: there is the
      new Dark Lord setting up in Llamedos, at the Manor of Brydon
      Llongsoc just past the town of Baws-cwm-Pryc. Remember, my friends,
      you have heard it first here, from Fernando!


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Fernando knows that The Wizard's Staff and Knob is the most magical
      of the astrological signs, and so it is fitting that your people are
      those of the village and forest of Skund. Skund! Even the name of
      this place sounds magical,"Expelliarmus Skund" perhaps! Skund is
      well known for the trees that walk, the mushrooms that talk, many
      gnomes and dryads, and also for being the birthplace of some of the
      most powerful witches and wizards in history. This you probably
      already know, my friends, but what you probably do not know, and
      that the stars have revealed to Fernando, is that the national
      character of Skund is to be unexcitable and unflappable. You too
      would never be surprised by anything after seeing your cottage get
      up and run away from a tree that was being too intimate with one of
      the windows.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians are no strangers to the feeling of waking up in unfamiliar
      surroundings, possibly wearing somebody else's clothes, the empty
      bottle in both hands, and no memory of the last 48 hours. And so it
      is that the stars have told Fernando that your sign is most closely
      aligned to the fabled lost city of Ee, somewhere in Klatch, possibly
      in the Great Nef desert, or in Omnia, or maybe even in El Harib.
      Nobody knows for sure, just like nobody knows why Fernando's nephew
      Tony got the tattoo "Tom and Nicole 4 Evar" – especially not Tony.
      Who are Tom and Nicole? Where did they come from, and where are they
      now? Why didn't Tony learn his lesson after the last tattoo
      disaster? What is the significance of the number four? These are
      mysteries greater than that of the lost city of Ee, and hauntingly
      familiar to friends and family of Bilians.


      The Celestial Parsnip  24 Aug - 23 Sept

      My friends, Fernando always tells exactly what the stars says, even
      if it is the unpleasant news. Snippies, Fernando is the most sorry
      to say that the people you are most alike are those from the
      Klatchian city of Ur. Those from Ur are renowned from Hersheba to
      Khanli for being remarkably stupid and foolish. But do not be
      insulted, my friends, for not all Snippies are dull of mind, and if
      you are reading Fernando's horoscopes, this shows great intelligence
      and wisdom! But it is true that Snippies are often honest and kind
      and completely lacking in the artifice and duplicity,
      characteristics which may seen foolish to the dishonest, cruel and
      cynical. Also, the stars tell Fernando that Snippies often tend to
      be gullible and will believe any old rubbish, but Fernando is sure
      that does not apply to you.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Boring'uns, the people you are most alike are those from the tiny
      swamp fishing community on the Circle Sea, the worshippers of P'tang
      P'tang the newt-god. These are perhaps the only tribe on the Disc
      who don't even have a name for themselves, and the stars tell
      Fernando that this tribe is the only one which does not have any
      concept of war, although they do have the concept of "the time when
      Pacha Moj hit his uncle with big rock". Boring'uns, Fernando knows
      that you are wondering how you could be alike a tribe of people who
      spend their time mucking about in boats and working with sharp metal
      implements, but do not worry, for Fernando knows that this tribe
      does not have the metal fish-hooks, and the only places their boats
      go are in the swamps and mangroves where the water doesn't get more
      than five foot deep.


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Androgyna Majestis is the star sign of contradiction, and so it is
      no surprise that the nation that most closely matches you is the
      twin city of proud Ankh and pestilent Morpork, the Big Wahoonie
      itself, queen of cities! An old, slightly disreputable queen, but
      still queen. Andies too are often queens, or the other royalty, and
      frequently louche. Andies also make the most excellente sales
      people, and Ankh-Morpork is well-known for its merchants,
      wholesalers, and iron grip on the finance of half the Central
      Continent. Just as Andies are known for having their two sides of
      their personalities, so Ankh-Morpork too has two sides: Fernando
      knows it is the most dynamic, inventive and innovative of nations,
      home of craftsmen, engineers, wizardly research, and yet also the
      most credulous and superstitious of places. Hardly a day goes by
      without Fernando meeting somebody with a story of the famous
      "talking dog of Ankh-Morpork", and just yesterday Fernando talked to
      a man who believes that the effluent and sewerage poured into the
      river is full of tiny invisible biting demons that cause disease.
      Fernando knows this is ridiculous, for is it not well known that
      nothing living can survive in the Ankh for more than a few minutes?


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, the stars tell Fernando that your sign's nation is the
      Land of Fog, that mysterious island not far from Fourecks. Most
      people can tell you little about the Land of Fog, for it is
      perpetually shrouded in long white clouds and few people have
      returned from it. But Fernando is one of those who have, for some
      years before coming to Ankh-Morpork he visited Fourecks and the Land
      of Fog, so let Fernando tell you about this place! The two islands
      of this land have the giant chickens taller than men, the green
      parrots that have forgotten how to fly but remember how to make the
      passionate love to unsuspecting mens heads, the burrowing birds with
      fur, and the lizards with three eyes. The people of the Land of Fog
      are friendly and enjoy travel, although they rarely travel beyond
      Fourecks, where they sit on the beach all day stealing the
      Fourecksians' jobs. They are fanatical about rugby, worryingly fond
      of sheep, they rhyme "fish" with "mush", and they have the most
      exciting way of saying the number after five and before seven.


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, the people you are the most alike is the Fourecksians. You
      have the sense of humour that others often do not understand, and
      you like to poke the fun at authority. Fourecksians are resourceful
      and imaginative and independent, or at least this is what they say
      about themselves. But the stars tell Fernando a different story –
      my friends, Fernando is not like those other astrologers who tell
      only what people want to hear, Fernando will give you the good with
      the bad. For although Fourecksians believe they live in "the best
      bloody beaut country bar none" (Fernando is quoting from their
      Constitution *and* national anthem), they also have the "cultural
      cringe", and while they will tell you that Fourecksian art and
      culture is better, they read the books from Ankh-Morpork, watch the
      plays from Ankh-Morpork, and even eat the food from Ankh-Morpork.
      (The only thing they won't do is drink the beer from Ankh-Morpork,
      but Fernando does not blame them for this.)


      The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

      The Rather Large Gazunda is the sign of free spirits, exotic
      dancers, naturists, and the "flower children" as the colourful
      Morporkian slang calls them. Like Fernando's cousin Filipa, who is
      the Gazundian herself, and hugs strangers in the street and gives
      them daisy chains. My friends, the people you are the most alike are
      the natives of the islands of Slakki, where the unspoilt knobbly
      savages live in a state of purity with nature, wearing flowers in
      their hair and not much else, eating the plentiful bounty of
      coconuts and yams and many different types of fish, and keeping the
      balance of nature without the concern for material possessions,
      living in a state of bliss except for the occasional raid on their
      neighbours to steal women and eat their enemies. But that is all
      right, my friends, for they only eat people on holy days, so it's
      religion and allowed.


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians are renowned for being artistic, skilful, and clever-
      fingered, and so it is that the nation you are like is Ephebe with
      its many cunning artisans, philosophers, and artists, possibly
      challenging or even exceeding Ankh-Morpork itself! Remember, my
      friends, that before Lord Vetinari came into power, Ankh-Morpork was
      not the friendly place for the philosophically inclined, and that
      includes the artisans and the engineers. The Dwarfs stayed in their
      mountains, while it was Ephebe that was the centre of excellence for
      the philosophers and engineers. They built the original Tsortean
      Horse, and discovered towels, and were the first people to learn
      that you can eat the squid, for which Fernando will always be
      grateful. Like Umbragians, Ephebians make good surgeons,
      counterfeiters and thieves.


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2011 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
    Your message has been successfully submitted and would be delivered to recipients shortly.