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WOSSNAME -- December 2010 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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  • WOSSNAME-owner@yahoogroups.com
    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion December 2010 (Volume 13, Issue 12, Post 2)
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 30, 2010
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      December 2010 (Volume 13, Issue 12, Post 2)


      by Fernando Magnifico


      Dear readers,

      Due to the vagaries of the publishing business, this special
      Hogswatch horoscope from Fernando Magnifico may not be delivered to
      you until after Hogswatch has been and gone. Be assured though, that
      every one of Mr. Magnifico's predictions was written *before*
      Hogswatch, and any inaccuracies are due to quantum fluctuations, or
      possibly even fluxions, in the Space-Time continininumumium wossname,
      and not due to Mr. Magnifico's consumption of rather too much of his
      uncle's grappa as suggested by the Inquirer.

      — The Editor.


      Buongiorno, it is I, Fernando, and I shall be your astrologer this
      month, for the Lady Asterisk has the Klatchian Belly from eating the
      bad stoo at Dibbler's House of Named Meat. Again. Fernando tries to
      get her to eat the good home-cooked Brindisian food that Fernando
      prepares with his very own hands, but what can you do my friends?

      Happy Hogswatch to all, or as we say in Brindisi, "buoni maiali a
      voi tutti!" For it is that time of the year again, when the little
      ones are sitting up all night almost wetting themselves in the
      excitement (and just the piccolo amount of the fear, perhaps)
      waiting for the Hogfather. And not just the bambinos and the small
      childrens, for Fernando knows that many peoples are looking forward
      to the good cheer, good food, presents, and family arguments.
      (Although Fernando knows that it is not everyone who is looking
      forward to the Hogswatch, like Fernando's paesano Ebenizo Panettone,
      who sits up on the roof all night waiting for the Hogfather with a
      crossbow, a sword, and a bottle of the vino. Ebenezio does not
      appreciate the Hogswatch spirit.)

      This is the holiday season, and Fernando knows that you are
      wondering what to expect in this month of the Hogswatch parties. So
      Fernando has consulted with the stars on your behalf and has the
      answers to all your questions.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Fernando never has the trouble with buying the gifts for people, for
      in most cases Fernando's mere presence alone is enough of the gift.
      But Fernando understands that Hoggers may not have Fernando's
      excellente taste when it comes to buying the presents, so listen
      very carefully as Fernando consults with the stars for the best
      Hogswatch gifts. For the special friends, if you know what Fernando
      means, you cannot go wrong with the jewellery: gold chains for the
      mens, and Ankhstones for the ladies. The bigger the better, Fernando
      knows that when it comes to the jewellery, it's not what you do with
      it, but the size that counts! For your papa, uncles and other men
      family, the best gifts are the socks (new, or at least freshly
      darned), neckties, and nose hanky-chiefs. For your mama, aunties and
      other family womens, the big jar of Brindisian scent or perfume is
      the best — none of that Quirmian rubbish in the tiny bottle for
      eight dollars. Fernando knows a man who can get you the one gallon
      jar of perfume for one dollar.


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Munchers, it is your job this year to choose the drinks for the
      Hogswatch party, so let Fernando and the stars guide you, for he
      knows that the Morporkians (otherwise the fine people) do not have
      the good taste with the vino. Do not drink that Quirmian rubbish,
      your stomach and your head will thank you, although Fernando
      understands that it is good enough for your brother-in-law, who is
      easily impressed by anything that has the sparkly stars and curly
      writing on the bottle. But better for you to stick to the Brindisian
      vino, or maybe those from Genua if you insist. You will want the
      selection of the white wines, like Acqua Dell'Asino and Giungla
      Spremuta, to go with the turkey and the ham, and the heavier reds
      like Salvatore Anziano and Scossa Capo, for the goose. And for the
      desserts, the stars suggest the sweeter wine like Morte da Zucchero.
      Fernando recommends it with the apple pie.


      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      At Hogswatch there is always the difficulty in choosing the
      decorations. Hernians, let Fernando and the stars guide you on this,
      for the decorations are fraught with the humiliation for those who
      get it wrong. You must consider carefully your guests — for the
      traditionalists like Fernando's Aunt Rosa-Marie (and we all have an
      Aunt Rosa-Marie, no matter what her actual name is), you must have
      the roaring fire surrounded by the paintings of the Hogfather and
      his sleigh racing through the snow. Even if you are celebrating
      Hogswatch in the middle of the Klatchian desert during a summer
      heat-wave, Aunt Rosa-Marie will insist on the roaring fire. Do not
      forget to decorate the Hogswatch tree with the coloured baubles,
      glass balls, angels, snow babies and tinsel, for you do not want to
      be the target of Aunt Rosa-Marie's complaints. For your tasteless
      brother-in-law who works at the bank, you will be the most
      impressive if you have the expensive-looking enchanted plaster ducks
      that sing "We Quack You A Happy Hogswatch". Fernando has a cousin
      who imports these from Wyrmbergbergen and can get you the very
      reasonable price. And for the twenty-somethings, all you need is to
      give them the wink when they see the decorations, and they will be
      sure you are being ironic and will be happy.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Fernando knows that meal times have the special place in the heart
      of Staffies, especially lunch, supper, dinner, afternoon tea,
      morning tea, breakfast, second breakfast, elevenses and that late
      night snack when you wake up around 3am feeling a little peckish, or
      as we say in Brindisi, "abbastanza affamato mangiare un cavallo
      grezzo con il relativo cablaggio su esso". This makes Hogswatch the
      very enjoyable time of the year for Staffies, for when else can you
      enjoy a meal with twelve types of cheese without becoming a wizard?
      (For the wizards, of course, twelve types of cheese are the
      desperate privations, beaten in horror only by three types of
      pudding.) For Hogswatch, the stars tell Fernando that your Hogswatch
      lunch will be the most excellente if you serve the turducken: take
      one turkey, or goose for the traditionalists, and stuff with the
      duck, which has been stuffed with a chicken, which is stuffed with
      the sausages. If you prefer the all-poultry style, Fernando suggests
      using the quail instead of sausages, or possibly the chicken
      sausages for the best of both worlds. But listen to Fernando's
      advice, my friends: do not be tempted to show off by stuffing the
      turducken inside the ostrich or the albatross. Such excess is
      unfashionable, unless cooking for the Klatchian wedding feasts, or


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Bilians, Fernando is sure that he does not have to tell you what
      Hogswatch holds for you this year, for it is the same as every year:
      the many hours drinking the Hogswatch punch, the eggnog, the good
      ale, the bad ale, the white rum, the dark rum, the funny drink with
      the worm in it that they make from the cactus in the Tezuman Empire,
      eating the brandy-soaked Hogswatch pudding, then the healthy apple
      drink (well, mostly apples) to keep out the cold on the way home.
      And then, so the stars tell Fernando, there is the many more hours
      making your devotions to the Oh-god. Fernando understands that the
      spirit is weak, or at least, the spirit is weak in the presence of
      the strong spirit, but have pity on whoever has to clean up
      afterwards and try to aim for the privy, or at least for the open
      window. My friends, let Fernando be completely clear about the
      window: you should be inside, leaning out, and not outside leaning


      The Celestial Parsnip  24 Aug - 23 Sept

      After every Hogswatch party there comes the time when you have run
      out of party. The eggnog is all drunk, as are the guests, the food
      has all been eaten (apart from the suspicious potato salad that Aunt
      Rosa-Marie brings every year — Fernando is sure it is actually the
      same potato salad, and not just the same recipe), the more sober of
      your guests have staggered off home, and the others are unconscious
      in the hall. It is at this time that Fernando has the bad news for
      Snippies, for it falls upon you to clean up afterwards. But do not
      be afeared, for with the most excellente advice from the stars, you
      will find this to be easy. Firstly, do not be tempted to drag the
      remaining guests out onto the Ankh, no matter how tempting it is.
      Trust Fernando on this, that sort of thing can break friendships and
      even end with awkward questions from the Watch. Instead, the stars
      say that you should stack them in piles, preferably with the biggest
      people at the bottom, and the smaller, more easily lifted people on
      top. Do not forget to lift with your knees, not your back! For
      cleaning the plates, just put them on the floor and let your dog in.
      If you do not have the dog, there are always the many hungry strays
      in the streets at this time of the year, and they will lick your
      plates clean before you can finish stacking the drunks in the hall.
      The old bottles, packaging and tinsel should be put aside for Harry
      King's men, and what they won't take, Fernando knows the gnolls


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Fernando has the very exciting news for his Boring'un friends, that
      is to say, he has the boring news, which is the molto excitemente to
      Boring'uns. For this year, nobody has invited you to the Hogswatch
      parties. Not for you will be the usual Hogswatch experience: the
      burnt turkey as dry as Mr. Slant, the cousins fighting over the
      porks cracklings, the punch up over what Shirl said about our mam,
      the screaming and screeching of the small bambinos beating you over
      the head with the new toys, and the brother-in-law bragging about
      his job at the bank again. Instead, you will be sitting at home with
      only the faintest sound of the Hogswatch carollers out in the
      street, with half a glass of sherry, a full half-dozen slices of
      ham, the cucumber and cress salad, boiled cabbage, and a couple of
      mince pies. Bliss! The stars tell Fernando that you may even be
      extra daring this year and have a little mustard on the ham —
      mild, of course, there is no need to go pazzesco (this is how we say
      "totally bonkers" in the beautiful tongue of Brindisi).


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Andies, if Fernando was not Fernando and was instead sad and lonely,
      he would be jealous of you this Hogswatch (not that Fernando is ever
      jealous), for the stars say that your Hogswatch will be very
      successful in the romantic matters. And Fernando does not just mean
      the kissing under the mistletoe. The stars tell Fernando that "if
      you play your cards right", as they say in Ankh-Morpork, you can
      look forward to the intimate little tete-e-tete (if you will excuse
      Fernando's Quirmian) with the gentleman or lady of your preference.
      Or possibly even more than one. Or all of them. After all, Hogswatch
      is the season of giving, and once the eggnog starts to flow, there
      will be the many people who will be in the giving mood. Listen to
      Fernando's advice: wash up, dress nicely (you cannot go wrong with
      the leopard print fabrics), brush your teeth or at least gargle with
      the grappa to kill the tooth-worms, give the compliments and smile,
      and you could very well be on the receiving end of much giving.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, some of you will have had the birthday close by to
      Hogswatch. Fernando knows that this is not the blessing it might
      seem to others, for the closer your birthday is to Hogswatch, the
      smaller the number of the presents you receive, is it not so my
      friends? Do not be afeared, for this year the stars have said that
      while your Hogswatch may be light on the presents, as so often it
      is, you can expect the excellente party, even better than last year
      with the bowl of custard and the thing with the balloons. Take
      Fernando's advice, and get yourself the extra-big shovel, for you
      will need it when it comes to cleaning up afterwards.


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, as you already know, Hogswatch is the time for jokes and
      japes of all sorts. Not that you need to wait for Hogswatch to play
      the practical jokes, but Fernando does not judge. The stars tell
      Fernando that this is the good time for the joking around, but
      remember, at Hogswatch nobody wants to hear the *funny* jokes. This
      is the time for your worst groaners, punnes (or plays on words), and
      terrible gags, like the ones that Fernando's Uncle Enzo tells. These
      punnes do not translate well from Brindisian to Morporkian, but
      Fernando can give you the example from the Morporkian punnes: "How
      is the dog and the tree alike? They both have the bark!" "What sort
      of shoes do frogs wear? Open-toad!" Do not forget also the visual
      jokes, like the old arrow-through-the-head gag, beloved by the
      middle-aged men and childrens under five everywhere. The "pull my
      finger" joke is also sure to have your friends and family groaning,
      or if you have been eating too much of the frijoles, leaving the


      The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Gazundians, Fernando knows that many people find it molto difficile
      to know what gifts to buy for the small childrens and bambinos. But
      do not be afeared, let Fernando help you with this conundrum! For
      the stars have told Fernando everything you need to know. For little
      bambinos too young for the talking, do not buy the presents with the
      small parts that can be swallowed by the little ones. Trust Fernando
      on this! The soft fluffy stuffed toys are always good, or the wooden
      blocks, especially those brightly painted ones from Agatea. For the
      small childrens, Fernando understands that the "must-have" toys this
      year are the Little Omnian Exquisition set (complete with thumb
      screws and sharp spikes), and the Plague Baby Doll doctors and
      nurses play set. My friends, Fernando can assure you beyond any
      doubt, if you buy these for your nephews and nieces, you will be
      their favourite uncle or aunt for nearly most of an hour.


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Good news, Umbragians, this year you will get to indulge in your
      favourite Hogswatch pastime: arguing with the neighbours. Your plans
      for a quiet family get-together will be disrupted by your
      neighbour's enormous party, filled with the shouting and the loud
      music and the bad aftershave being applied by the bucketful
      (although Fernando knows that for those who live near the Ankh, that
      will come as welcome relief), and the small childrens running around
      playing Knights And Orcs and screaming just as you're trying to have
      the after-lunch nap. The stars say that your day will start early,
      after being woken by the out-of-tune caterwauling, and go late until
      after the firecrackers at two in the morning. But most importantly,
      my friends, keep your windows closed once the neighbour's guests
      start staggering outside to go home, for by that time they might be
      molto confused as to which side of a window is the inside and which
      is the outside.


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2010 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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