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WOSSNAME -- November 2010 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope

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  • WOSSNAME-owner@yahoogroups.com
    WOSSNAME Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion November 2010 (Volume 13, Issue 11, Post 2)
    Message 1 of 1 , Nov 27 12:02 PM
      Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
      November 2010 (Volume 13, Issue 11, Post 2)


      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno, it is I, Fernando, and I shall look after your
      astrological needs this month, as the Lady Asterisk has got her
      prognosticating hand stuck in a jam jar.

      My friends, you must please be forgiving Fernando, for the last few
      months have been filled with the molto excitemente. As you no doubt
      will be the aware of the troubles that have been happening in
      Ankh-Morpork, Fernando shall not bore you with them, except to say
      that the court case with Fernando's very dearest friend, Professor
      Bengo Macarona, has now been sorted with the most amicable agreement,
      and nobody needs to be turned into the frog or spend the time in the
      Patrician's dungeons. Fernando can be the most persuasive when he
      needs to be, and he now has the permission from Bengo to call him
      anything Fernando wants, any time Fernando chooses.

      Between the very exciting times with Bengo, and the buon per niente
      di stupido rubbish printed in the Inquirer, Fernando has been the
      most busy, with hardly a chance to rest. But do not be saddened, my
      friends, for Fernando understands the sacrifices he must make to be
      your astrologer, and he willingly took this burden on for your sake.

      This month Fernando has received the entire mailbag filled with the
      letters from his devoted readers. Many of these letters have been
      the promises of devotion, the offers of marriage and sometimes the
      offers of the other thing, related to the marriage but without the
      need of the priest. (Although there was the one letter from the
      actress in the Dysk who said she knew an especially adventurous
      priest...) Fernando of course reads every one of these letters, even
      the ones written in the coloured crayon by people who use far too
      many exclamation marks. So in honour of you, Fernando's devoted
      fans, this month's horoscope shall be of the selection of letters.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog  21 Mar - 20 Apr

      This letter is from Colonel Alistair Major-Minor Minimus, Ankh Third
      Horse Regiment (Ret.), who asks:

      "Dear Fernando,

      Wife reads your astrology rot. Don't think much of it m'self. Would
      never have won medal for slaughtering fifty-seven crazed Chimerian
      barbarians in '62 had I listened to horoscope. Nevertheless wife
      thinks I should write you. Want advice on retirement. Should move to
      seaside house in Chirm to raise Kettlefish and Yellowtail Gobblers,
      or p'rhaps the house in Morpork Mountains to raise Octarine Emperor
      guppies? Prefer Octarine Emperors m'self, but wife unhappy in
      mountains. Says nothing to do except fish. Don't understand nature
      of complaint."

      Fernando understands that sometimes compromise is the best way
      forward, and the stars tell him that this is one of those times.
      Fernando is not the expert on the fishes, except for the sardines
      the way Fernando's sainted mamma prepares them, with the olive oil
      and basilico and the garlic, but Fernando has consulted the stars
      most very carefully, and they warn that the unhappy wife does not
      bode well for the ornamental fishpond. Better the Kettlefish and
      Gobblers rather than the hot tongue and cold bed, yes?


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      "Dear Mr Fernando,

      I have been watching your career with interest for some time now,
      and especially admire the way you have managed to defeat the
      pathetic schemes of Carlos. Some day I should like to see how you
      would manage against a truly worthy opponent, but today is not that
      day, for I have need of your astrological advice. I am running a
      small business in the Shades, providing certain individuals with the
      services that the fine gentlemen of the Assassins Guild are too
      expensive, or too delicate, to supply. My business has expanded
      quite quickly, especially after that series of truly unfortunate
      accidents to certain rivals, and I find myself now in a position to
      expand out of the Shades. I am a fully paid-up member of the Thieves
      Guild, by which I mean that they have all the correct paperwork to
      make them think that I have fully paid-up. Can you tell me what the
      stars suggest for a businessman with prospects who wants to get the
      ear of the Patrician without resorting to a literal interpretation
      of that phrase?

      Yours truly, Shamus 'Too Clever by Half' Moriarty, The Shades."

      Fernando does not wish to speak of Carlos, that deceiver, that
      jackal in wolf's clothing, that spitting cobra, that... [Editor's
      note: Fernando continues on in this vein for another half page]
      ...but Fernando will not lower himself to talk of Carlos.

      My friend, Fernando is not like those *other* astrologers, ha, they
      call themselves astrologers, but Fernando calls them the frauds and
      charlatans, for they tell you only what you wish to hear. Fernando
      is not like them, for Fernando's horoscopes are exactly what the
      stars say, not a word added, not a word taken away, whether it is
      the good fortune or the bad! Fernando wishes he had the better
      horoscope for you, for Fernando is always pleased to help the small
      businessman or woman. As the Patrician is so often reminding us,
      commerce is the life-blood of the city! But in this case, the stars
      are the certain in this matter: you will never "get the ear" of Lord
      Vetinari, as you put it, although the stars leave it open to whether
      some other, future, Patrician would be so difficile.

      Fernando does not question the stars in this matter, although he
      personally is surprised that Lord Vetinari should give "the cold
      shoulder" (as they say) to such a successful businessman. But then
      Morporkian is not Fernando's first language, and he does not
      understand what the stars mean when they speak of "racketeering",
      "graft" and "payola" being ineffective with His Lordship. (Fernando
      is sure the first is the game played with the net and the rackets
      and ball, the second has to do with the growing of fruit, and
      "payola" is the seed that makes the fine vegetable oil -- not as
      fine as the Brindisi olive oil, but what is?)


      Herne the Hunted  22 May - 21 Jun

      This letter is from Kevin of Speckle Street, who writes:

      "Dear Mister Fernando,

      I've read every book by Major Dibbler of the Turtle Corps and I want
      to be the chellernaut just like him and walk on Great A'Tuin's shell
      and fight the giant Shell Ogres and rescue the princesses just like
      Major Dibbler. I'm in training *every* day unless it's too wet and
      me mum won't let me go outside, and I'm ready to be the chellernaut
      for Ankh-Morpork and fly to the Turtle and bring back rare min-rals
      and exotic animals and stuff, just like Major Dibbler! He's so cool
      Mr Fernando, I bet he could beat you up *easy*. Not that I want you
      to be beaten up Mr Fernando, but you know "a man's gotta do what a
      man's gotta do", like Major Dibbler said in Book 7, "Dibbler And The
      Turtle's Tail". But Mister Fernando, me mum doesn't want me to be
      the chellernaut for Ankh-Morpork, she says that's no career for a
      Hernian, but I know it is and I want you to ask the stars to do
      something spectacaler so I can go on a mission to investigate it.
      Just not right away, cause I'm nearly thirteen, well, twelve and a
      half, and I know you have to be 16 to join the Turtle Corps, so you
      can tell the stars to wait a few more years, okay Mister Fernando?"

      Fernando does not want to crush your childish fantasies, but Major
      Dibbler could not "beat up" Fernando! My friends, Fernando is not
      the fighter, he wishes to make the sweet loving more than the war,
      but do not be fooled by Fernando's gentleness. When the pushing
      comes to the shoving, as they say, Fernando can give as good as he
      gets, and he has never lost the fair fight, and not many of the
      unfair fights either. Not even that time when Fernando had drunk
      three glasses of Uncle Rafael's grappa and couldn't see. (Although
      Fernando isn't entirely sure *who* he won the fight against.)

      But do not be afeared Kevin, for Fernando is forgiving of your
      mistake, and he understands how it is, to be the youngster and to
      have your head filled with the crazy ideas. Fernando believes in the
      telling it like it is, but Fernando does not hold the grudge.

      Fernando also understands what it is like to have the dream, and
      your dream of being the chellernaut is truly a great dream. Fernando
      has asked the stars, and they say that if you work hard and study
      even harder, there is every chance that you could walk on Great
      A'Tuin someday, and perhaps you might even form the Turtle Corps for
      real. But not even Fernando can ask the stars to change their
      behaviour like that! The stars do what they do, and no Man, Dwarf or
      Troll tells them otherwise! Well, perhaps the old Sourcerors, but
      nobody else. While the stars tell Fernando many things, they rarely
      speak of their own movements more than a few months in advance.
      Fernando is sure that the stars will do something spectacular
      someday, but it will happen when it happens.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob  22 Jun - 22 Jul

      "Dear Mr Magnifico, Ai halways read hyour horoscopes heach day, Ai
      would not dreahm of starting the day without hyour hadvice. Ai am a
      respectable hwidow hwoman working for a fine university in the city,
      hand recently we have had a member of the Night Kitchen who has
      stepped hout of her place in the kitchens and hobnobbed with the
      fine gentlemen who run the university, hand even with the Patrician
      himself. Ai do not know how to discipline her. We can't be having
      with staff who don't know their place, but her pies are the very
      popular with the gentlemen hand Ai have heard talk that she has a
      job waiting for her at a major guild any time she wants. What should
      Ai do, Mr Magnifico? Signed, Trouble With Underlings"

      Fernando understands the problem you are having, for he has seen
      this the many times back in Brindisi. To tell the truth – and
      Fernando always tells the truth, except to the question "does this
      dress make me look fat?" from the signorinas – it was often
      Fernando who was the troublesome one who did not know his place. My
      friends, you must understand, from the very early age Fernando many
      people have told Fernando that he did not know his place, but this
      is not true, for Fernando has always known that his place is to give
      all of himself to all of the Disc. (Or at least all the handsome
      gentlemens and beautiful lady-persons of the Disc, and remember my
      friends, to Fernando, you are all the handsome and beautiful!)
      Fernando would not be stuck making the shoes or rolling the pizza
      dough. These are the very fine things for the shoe-makers and the
      pizza-dough apprentices, but Fernando is Fernando, and always knew
      that he was destined to be special.

      If this cooker of pies from the Night Kitchen is also great (perhaps
      not as great as Fernando, but who is?) then the stars tell Fernando
      that you should allow that greatness to shine. It will shine one way
      or the other, either in the Night Kitchen, or at some other guild.
      The stars say the choice will be yours.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      "Greetings Fernando old chap,

      Some time ago, Great Aunt Georgina passed away, and I was a little
      disappointed that she left me nothing in the will except her dearest
      pet, an Agatean miniature pig named Hamlet. I don't mind telling you
      that at first I was rather annoyed at having to look after the small
      animal, but Hamlet won me over with his cheerful personality,
      surprisingly clean personal habits, and the small stipend of AM$570
      per year from Great Aunt Georgina's estate so long as Hamlet
      remained alive and well. So as I'm sure you can understand, I'm now
      rather saddened to learn that the blighter has eaten something that
      doesn't agree with him and is now off his feed and looking more
      poorly than "Spotty" Phelps looked after he accidentally drank a
      whole glass of that apple drink last month. I've taken Hamlet to all
      the vets I know of, to no avail. What do the stars say I should do?
      Signed, Bertie Towster."

      Do not be afeared my friend, for Fernando has asked the stars, and
      with his advice you cannot go wrong. The stars tell Fernando that
      you should consult with a pig-witch, that is to say, the witch who
      specializes with the pigs, not the witch who is also the pig.
      (Morporkian is the wonderful language, not as good as Brindisian of
      course but still molto bene for the talkings, but sometimes the
      Morporkian words can have the two meanings.) If the pig-witch cannot
      help, then you should send the clacks message to Lancre and ask for
      Mistress Petulia Gristle the pig-borer, who is the best pig-witch
      since old Mother Grimmace managed to get the pork sausage walking
      around for nearly a whole day. Mistress Gristle will gently bore the
      pig to its final sleep. Then you will not only have the fond
      memories of the little pig but also the excellente and very tender
      roast pork supper.


      The Celestial Parsnip  24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Fernando is glad to have another letter from his long-time reader,
      Archibald Kumquat III of Seven Sleepers in Ankh:

      "Dear Mr Magnifico,

      My sister Peneloppe has the iconograph of you on her Gooseberry and
      sometimes I see her practising kissing it. She made me promise not
      to tell anyone, but this is writing, not telling, so it doesn't
      count. Ha, that will teach you to let my pet toad escape! Some day I
      hope to be a lawyer, like my Uncle George, he always has such fun
      hiding loopholes in contracts. Anyway, Pater says we have to go away
      to Genua for a few years, until the statue of lamentations runs out,
      but I don't want to leave Ankh and miss reading your horoscopes.
      What do the stars say I should do?"

      Do not worry, my friend, for the stars say that you will have the
      many great adventures in Genua, for they are the very hot-blooded
      people (like Fernando's dear friend Bengo, who can do the most
      amazing things in the kitchen with just the sausage and a bottle of
      the tomato sauce). Fernando is not sure what is this statue of which
      you speak, or where it is running out of, but Fernando is sure that
      life in Genua will be filled with excitement, statue or no statue.

      And do not be worried about missing out on Fernando's horoscopes,
      for you can subscribe to Fernando's free c-mail mini-horoscopes by
      sending the c-mail to Magnifico@... (sponsored by
      Dibbler's Can o' Worms, the best worms you can get for fishing,
      gardening or other household chores). Or for just AM$10 a year, you
      can get the full monthly horoscope sent to you by clacks, unless the
      Borogravians start cutting down the towers again.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      "Dear, Fernado

      I am, Jack Pilcrow, greengrocer and, I have the question's to asks
      the star's about my vegetable's' display's. Fernando what can I do,
      to encourage the ladies' to buy more of my ware's? This is the very
      good season for the asparagu's and artichoke's, and I have the best
      price in Ankh-Morpork for bean's'. What do the stars' suggest I do?"

      Back in Brindisi, we eat the much fresh fruit and vegetables, which
      is very good for the growing bodies and to make you regular, the big
      plate of greens and salads are better than any cod liver oil. This
      is why we have the best footsballers in the world, no matter how
      often the cheating Quirmians use the trickery to beat us. So
      Fernando was the much saddened to come to Ankh-Morpork, which is
      otherwise the pearl of cities, and learn that the typical Morporkian
      thinks of any vegetables except the cabbage, the carrot and turnip
      as the exotic and strange.

      Fernando has consulted with the stars on this, and they say that
      there are the three things the Morporkian housewife looks for in the
      vegetables: #1 the price should be good, #2 they should be something
      familiar enough to feed to their old mum, and #3 you can't beet the
      humorous vegetable for a laugh. And if that fails, Fernando suggests
      putting some more apostrophes in your signs, they attract the
      shoppers like ants to honey.


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      This letter is from one of Fernando's many troll readers, Mrs.
      Chrysocolla Feldspar:

      "Dear Fernando,

      Plese excuse my ritin on account of it being warm today, I is sittin
      on the bloc of ice but it not helpin much. I is the troll widow whos
      hubsand died in the Koom Valley works when a rock the size of Old
      Granddad fell on his head. I miss him very much, but it is time to
      move on while I still haves my figure. Fernando, you knows dese
      things, do the stars have advice for me on der romance and getting a
      good troll man to help raise my boy, young Haematite?"

      Mrs. Feldspar, or may I call you Chrysocolla?, it is true that the
      stars know much about the love and romance, and they tell Fernando
      that this is the Year of the Pensive Hare and you are in Ankh-
      Morpork, Queen of Cities! (An elderly, slightly disreputable
      queen, a little too fond of a glass or five of gin for breakfast and
      with the tendency to hit people with her walking stick, perhaps, but
      still the Queen.) Do not let your old fashioned country relatives
      tell you what to do, the stars say that to find the good troll man
      in Ankh-Morpork these days, you should not wait to be noticed. Go
      out and seize the opportunity, do not wait for some troll gentlemans
      to hit you with the club, you have to throw the first stone even hit
      him with the table.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      "Dearest Fernando,

      You don't know me (yet, my dear!) but we have a mutual friend,
      that's the famous Bard Alice Lancrevic, she suggested I write to you
      because you're a man of the world AND a man of the stars or so she
      says and I'm ALWAYS happy to get in touch with a man of the world,
      especially the touching part. Anyway, here's my question, I moved to
      Genua a few years ago and I've done VERY well in the Seamstresses'
      Guild here, I'm always given the, to put it like the blue-noses do,
      unusual customers and the ones with unusual requests, and when I say
      unusual I think I won't have to explain to a man of the world like
      yourself, isn't that so dear? So. I've done so well that I've put
      aside a LOT of money and I'm thinking of opening my own Guild house.
      One that specialises in the, you know, unusual, I'd be offering the
      best rates to unusual clients and especially to other species,
      because when you get down to it everyone needs a little love and
      we're ALL the same under the skin (or the beard and helmet, or the
      burial clothes, or the volcanic crust, you know what I mean). So
      what I want to know is when would be the best time and place to open
      for business? If you can help me out, dear Fernando, I'll give you a
      special discount ANYTIME you want to visit, or even what they call a

      Yours in negotiable affection,

      'Rustie' (Rumbustia Verdant – Miss, but with your help, soon to be
      Mrs, for professional purposes that is)"

      Any friend of Alice Lancrevic is a friend of Fernando's, and
      Fernando is always happy to be touched by his friends. Fernando has
      the many friends, and as they say, the more the merrier. Fernando
      also knows that everyone needs love, and the stars are the equal
      opportunity advisers when it comes to the matters of the heart, and
      and also the matters of the other bits. The stars do not care if the
      love is between the same species, which is to say between the
      different members of the same species (and Fernando knows that it is
      the very fine thing to see the different members), or even between
      the different members of the different species if that's the way
      your taste runs. Though possibly not in Omnia, for the Book of Om
      has quite a lot to say about that sort of thing, much of it
      involving the sharp spikes.

      Fernando is indeed a man of the world and has never found it
      necessary to negotiate for the making of the love, but if he happens
      to pass your way one of these days, perhaps Fernando can show you
      some of the more interesting things about his fig leaf "in lieu", as
      the Quirmians say. Although Fernando prefers to say it in Brindisian
      because it sounds much more romantic and less like the Morporkian
      slang for the privy: "sul posto".


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      "Dear Fernando Magnifico, I am unaccustomed to asking for assistance
      in such matters, but I am faced with something of a conundrum which
      has so far resisted all my efforts to solve. Not that it would
      defeat me forever you understand, it is only a matter of time before
      I come up with the solution, but I have reason to believe that time
      is of the essence and, frankly, I'm not too proud to look to the
      stars for assistance. Mr Magnifico, I have reason to believe that
      the golems have secretly learned how to make human-form golems, not
      just human shaped, but indistinguishable from real humans, made out
      of flesh and blood. There are twelve such humanoid golems, and they
      have a Plan. This is a terrifying thought. What do the stars advise?

      Your humble servant, Guyus Bolter."

      Fernando does not know whether there are the human-formed golems,
      for the stars are silent on them, but Fernando has heard of stranger
      things in his life (especially in The Inquirer). But, my friend,
      there is no need to worry about them, for as the great sage
      Nathaniel Hammer once said, it is better to have a way than a plan.
      Fernando knows that this is true, for a way will see you through
      times of trouble better than a plan. So do not fear the plans of
      golems (be they Pump or Toaster), for no matter what their plan may
      be, there is always a way. After all, do the priests not tell us
      that ultimately we're all made of clay?


      The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

      My friends, Fernando is the very pleased to have the letter from the
      renowned Blackribboner artist, the Baroness Evangelika Lugubria
      Arroganta Barbina Solfami von Fledermausen:

      "Dear dahlink Fernando, you haf missed my exhibition of the
      fertility idols from Howondaland, you naughty boy! They reminded me
      of you, dahlink, especially the one they call the Colosses of
      Rhogodishu. Where did you get to, Dahlink? I might forgive you if
      you cast the horoscope for your Vicki. The gallery has been just the
      teensy tiny bit quiet, what do the stars say I should do?"

      Fernando begs forgiveness, for he wanted to see this exhibition, but
      Fernando's duty was to spend the week with his sainted mamma, who
      had come all the way to Ankh-Morpork from Brindisi to visit him.
      Fernando intended to spend the many hours at your gallery inspecting
      the idols, but you know how it is, he could not leave his mamma
      alone, and he could not bring her to see the idols with their great
      big parts, for mamma would have had a stroke.

      The stars have told Fernando that this will be a good month for the
      art for all Gazundians. Whether you are the artist, or merely the
      supporter of art, now is a good month to go and view art, or do art,
      or possibly be art! Just don't be like Fernando's nephew Tony (not
      his cousin Tony, who makes the much yellow water, or his other
      cousin Tony, with the squint), who passed out at the tattoo parlour
      expecting to get a small and tasteful map of Brindisi on his
      shoulder, but woke up with the entire Disc on his back -- including
      Quirm, and Brindisi was drawn in the wrong place!


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      This letter is from Geoffry Ladlemeyer of Cockleberry Lane:

      "Dear Mr. Fernando,

      I'm not much for the writing, but I read yer horos cope thingies
      every month, very educational they are, I learned things I never
      knew was possible. Its a funny ole world, but I spect you already
      knows that. I'm writing for the advice, Mr. Fernando, on account of
      me retiring from my profession as master cabinet-maker. Don't think
      I'm not grateful for the work, Mr. Fernando, cos times is tough and
      some people don't have enough to keep the debt collectors from the
      door, the poor sods. But I've been making the cabinets for fifty-
      five years, man and boy, and the wife and I have put aside a bit of
      a nest egg to go travellin and see the Disc. At least the more
      polite parts. Yer a man of the world Mr. Fernando and I don't mind
      telling yer I wouldn't mind going to Howanderland where I hears the
      ladies run around without any drawers on, heh heh, but the missus
      don't want to go to any strange forin parts. Anyways, Gladys (that's
      the missus) and me was thinking of buying one of them new moveable
      homes, the ones you hitch to a team of oxen, and go for the tour
      around Sto Lat, Sto Hellit, even Quirm, beggin yer pardon Mr.
      Fernando, meybe as far as Lancre (I hears the witches dance about
      doing unspeakable things in the nuddie, but don't tell Gladys). We
      has heard that some folk look down their noses at those what live in
      the moveable-home. Especially Mrs. Analgesia. Do them stars have any
      advice about this?"

      My friend, let Fernando congratulate you, for it is truly said that
      travel embiggens the mind, and Fernando is always please to see
      people go to new places and meet the wonderful new people and learn
      about the new customs. Even Quirm, for until you have seen Quirm,
      you cannot truly be grateful that you are not Quirmian! Just look at
      Fernando, who has travelled all over the Disc and has become the
      molto broad-minded. Fernando has consulted the stars, and they say
      that you should pay the no attention to those who make the sneering
      at the moveable-home, for they are just the jealous that while you
      are travelling and experiencing the wonderful new things, they are
      stuck doing the same thing every day. So do not be shamed by your
      moveable-house, my friends, you should be proud!

      But let Fernando tell you the one more thing... it is the old wives
      tale (mostly spread by the old husbands, and the wizards who spend
      too much time indoors breathing the strange candle fumes) about the
      witches of Lancre. Fernando has travelled in Lancre and met many
      witches, and apart from the Mrs. Ogg they very rarely are seen in
      the nuddie. And Mrs. Ogg only in the warmer months when she is sure
      that Mistress Weatherwax won't see her.


      If you have any questions or requests, write:
      Copyright (c) 2010 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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