WOSSNAME -- November 2010 -- Your Monthly Discworld Horoscope
Newsletter of the Klatchian Foreign Legion
November 2010 (Volume 13, Issue 11, Post 2)
YOUR DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE FOR NOVEMBER
by Fernando Magnifico
Buongiorno, it is I, Fernando, and I shall look after your
astrological needs this month, as the Lady Asterisk has got her
prognosticating hand stuck in a jam jar.
My friends, you must please be forgiving Fernando, for the last few
months have been filled with the molto excitemente. As you no doubt
will be the aware of the troubles that have been happening in
Ankh-Morpork, Fernando shall not bore you with them, except to say
that the court case with Fernando's very dearest friend, Professor
Bengo Macarona, has now been sorted with the most amicable agreement,
and nobody needs to be turned into the frog or spend the time in the
Patrician's dungeons. Fernando can be the most persuasive when he
needs to be, and he now has the permission from Bengo to call him
anything Fernando wants, any time Fernando chooses.
Between the very exciting times with Bengo, and the buon per niente
di stupido rubbish printed in the Inquirer, Fernando has been the
most busy, with hardly a chance to rest. But do not be saddened, my
friends, for Fernando understands the sacrifices he must make to be
your astrologer, and he willingly took this burden on for your sake.
This month Fernando has received the entire mailbag filled with the
letters from his devoted readers. Many of these letters have been
the promises of devotion, the offers of marriage and sometimes the
offers of the other thing, related to the marriage but without the
need of the priest. (Although there was the one letter from the
actress in the Dysk who said she knew an especially adventurous
priest...) Fernando of course reads every one of these letters, even
the ones written in the coloured crayon by people who use far too
many exclamation marks. So in honour of you, Fernando's devoted
fans, this month's horoscope shall be of the selection of letters.
The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr
This letter is from Colonel Alistair Major-Minor Minimus, Ankh Third
Horse Regiment (Ret.), who asks:
Wife reads your astrology rot. Don't think much of it m'self. Would
never have won medal for slaughtering fifty-seven crazed Chimerian
barbarians in '62 had I listened to horoscope. Nevertheless wife
thinks I should write you. Want advice on retirement. Should move to
seaside house in Chirm to raise Kettlefish and Yellowtail Gobblers,
or p'rhaps the house in Morpork Mountains to raise Octarine Emperor
guppies? Prefer Octarine Emperors m'self, but wife unhappy in
mountains. Says nothing to do except fish. Don't understand nature
Fernando understands that sometimes compromise is the best way
forward, and the stars tell him that this is one of those times.
Fernando is not the expert on the fishes, except for the sardines
the way Fernando's sainted mamma prepares them, with the olive oil
and basilico and the garlic, but Fernando has consulted the stars
most very carefully, and they warn that the unhappy wife does not
bode well for the ornamental fishpond. Better the Kettlefish and
Gobblers rather than the hot tongue and cold bed, yes?
The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May
"Dear Mr Fernando,
I have been watching your career with interest for some time now,
and especially admire the way you have managed to defeat the
pathetic schemes of Carlos. Some day I should like to see how you
would manage against a truly worthy opponent, but today is not that
day, for I have need of your astrological advice. I am running a
small business in the Shades, providing certain individuals with the
services that the fine gentlemen of the Assassins Guild are too
expensive, or too delicate, to supply. My business has expanded
quite quickly, especially after that series of truly unfortunate
accidents to certain rivals, and I find myself now in a position to
expand out of the Shades. I am a fully paid-up member of the Thieves
Guild, by which I mean that they have all the correct paperwork to
make them think that I have fully paid-up. Can you tell me what the
stars suggest for a businessman with prospects who wants to get the
ear of the Patrician without resorting to a literal interpretation
of that phrase?
Yours truly, Shamus 'Too Clever by Half' Moriarty, The Shades."
Fernando does not wish to speak of Carlos, that deceiver, that
jackal in wolf's clothing, that spitting cobra, that... [Editor's
note: Fernando continues on in this vein for another half page]
...but Fernando will not lower himself to talk of Carlos.
My friend, Fernando is not like those *other* astrologers, ha, they
call themselves astrologers, but Fernando calls them the frauds and
charlatans, for they tell you only what you wish to hear. Fernando
is not like them, for Fernando's horoscopes are exactly what the
stars say, not a word added, not a word taken away, whether it is
the good fortune or the bad! Fernando wishes he had the better
horoscope for you, for Fernando is always pleased to help the small
businessman or woman. As the Patrician is so often reminding us,
commerce is the life-blood of the city! But in this case, the stars
are the certain in this matter: you will never "get the ear" of Lord
Vetinari, as you put it, although the stars leave it open to whether
some other, future, Patrician would be so difficile.
Fernando does not question the stars in this matter, although he
personally is surprised that Lord Vetinari should give "the cold
shoulder" (as they say) to such a successful businessman. But then
Morporkian is not Fernando's first language, and he does not
understand what the stars mean when they speak of "racketeering",
"graft" and "payola" being ineffective with His Lordship. (Fernando
is sure the first is the game played with the net and the rackets
and ball, the second has to do with the growing of fruit, and
"payola" is the seed that makes the fine vegetable oil -- not as
fine as the Brindisi olive oil, but what is?)
Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun
This letter is from Kevin of Speckle Street, who writes:
"Dear Mister Fernando,
I've read every book by Major Dibbler of the Turtle Corps and I want
to be the chellernaut just like him and walk on Great A'Tuin's shell
and fight the giant Shell Ogres and rescue the princesses just like
Major Dibbler. I'm in training *every* day unless it's too wet and
me mum won't let me go outside, and I'm ready to be the chellernaut
for Ankh-Morpork and fly to the Turtle and bring back rare min-rals
and exotic animals and stuff, just like Major Dibbler! He's so cool
Mr Fernando, I bet he could beat you up *easy*. Not that I want you
to be beaten up Mr Fernando, but you know "a man's gotta do what a
man's gotta do", like Major Dibbler said in Book 7, "Dibbler And The
Turtle's Tail". But Mister Fernando, me mum doesn't want me to be
the chellernaut for Ankh-Morpork, she says that's no career for a
Hernian, but I know it is and I want you to ask the stars to do
something spectacaler so I can go on a mission to investigate it.
Just not right away, cause I'm nearly thirteen, well, twelve and a
half, and I know you have to be 16 to join the Turtle Corps, so you
can tell the stars to wait a few more years, okay Mister Fernando?"
Fernando does not want to crush your childish fantasies, but Major
Dibbler could not "beat up" Fernando! My friends, Fernando is not
the fighter, he wishes to make the sweet loving more than the war,
but do not be fooled by Fernando's gentleness. When the pushing
comes to the shoving, as they say, Fernando can give as good as he
gets, and he has never lost the fair fight, and not many of the
unfair fights either. Not even that time when Fernando had drunk
three glasses of Uncle Rafael's grappa and couldn't see. (Although
Fernando isn't entirely sure *who* he won the fight against.)
But do not be afeared Kevin, for Fernando is forgiving of your
mistake, and he understands how it is, to be the youngster and to
have your head filled with the crazy ideas. Fernando believes in the
telling it like it is, but Fernando does not hold the grudge.
Fernando also understands what it is like to have the dream, and
your dream of being the chellernaut is truly a great dream. Fernando
has asked the stars, and they say that if you work hard and study
even harder, there is every chance that you could walk on Great
A'Tuin someday, and perhaps you might even form the Turtle Corps for
real. But not even Fernando can ask the stars to change their
behaviour like that! The stars do what they do, and no Man, Dwarf or
Troll tells them otherwise! Well, perhaps the old Sourcerors, but
nobody else. While the stars tell Fernando many things, they rarely
speak of their own movements more than a few months in advance.
Fernando is sure that the stars will do something spectacular
someday, but it will happen when it happens.
The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul
"Dear Mr Magnifico, Ai halways read hyour horoscopes heach day, Ai
would not dreahm of starting the day without hyour hadvice. Ai am a
respectable hwidow hwoman working for a fine university in the city,
hand recently we have had a member of the Night Kitchen who has
stepped hout of her place in the kitchens and hobnobbed with the
fine gentlemen who run the university, hand even with the Patrician
himself. Ai do not know how to discipline her. We can't be having
with staff who don't know their place, but her pies are the very
popular with the gentlemen hand Ai have heard talk that she has a
job waiting for her at a major guild any time she wants. What should
Ai do, Mr Magnifico? Signed, Trouble With Underlings"
Fernando understands the problem you are having, for he has seen
this the many times back in Brindisi. To tell the truth and
Fernando always tells the truth, except to the question "does this
dress make me look fat?" from the signorinas it was often
Fernando who was the troublesome one who did not know his place. My
friends, you must understand, from the very early age Fernando many
people have told Fernando that he did not know his place, but this
is not true, for Fernando has always known that his place is to give
all of himself to all of the Disc. (Or at least all the handsome
gentlemens and beautiful lady-persons of the Disc, and remember my
friends, to Fernando, you are all the handsome and beautiful!)
Fernando would not be stuck making the shoes or rolling the pizza
dough. These are the very fine things for the shoe-makers and the
pizza-dough apprentices, but Fernando is Fernando, and always knew
that he was destined to be special.
If this cooker of pies from the Night Kitchen is also great (perhaps
not as great as Fernando, but who is?) then the stars tell Fernando
that you should allow that greatness to shine. It will shine one way
or the other, either in the Night Kitchen, or at some other guild.
The stars say the choice will be yours.
Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug
"Greetings Fernando old chap,
Some time ago, Great Aunt Georgina passed away, and I was a little
disappointed that she left me nothing in the will except her dearest
pet, an Agatean miniature pig named Hamlet. I don't mind telling you
that at first I was rather annoyed at having to look after the small
animal, but Hamlet won me over with his cheerful personality,
surprisingly clean personal habits, and the small stipend of AM$570
per year from Great Aunt Georgina's estate so long as Hamlet
remained alive and well. So as I'm sure you can understand, I'm now
rather saddened to learn that the blighter has eaten something that
doesn't agree with him and is now off his feed and looking more
poorly than "Spotty" Phelps looked after he accidentally drank a
whole glass of that apple drink last month. I've taken Hamlet to all
the vets I know of, to no avail. What do the stars say I should do?
Signed, Bertie Towster."
Do not be afeared my friend, for Fernando has asked the stars, and
with his advice you cannot go wrong. The stars tell Fernando that
you should consult with a pig-witch, that is to say, the witch who
specializes with the pigs, not the witch who is also the pig.
(Morporkian is the wonderful language, not as good as Brindisian of
course but still molto bene for the talkings, but sometimes the
Morporkian words can have the two meanings.) If the pig-witch cannot
help, then you should send the clacks message to Lancre and ask for
Mistress Petulia Gristle the pig-borer, who is the best pig-witch
since old Mother Grimmace managed to get the pork sausage walking
around for nearly a whole day. Mistress Gristle will gently bore the
pig to its final sleep. Then you will not only have the fond
memories of the little pig but also the excellente and very tender
roast pork supper.
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Fernando is glad to have another letter from his long-time reader,
Archibald Kumquat III of Seven Sleepers in Ankh:
"Dear Mr Magnifico,
My sister Peneloppe has the iconograph of you on her Gooseberry and
sometimes I see her practising kissing it. She made me promise not
to tell anyone, but this is writing, not telling, so it doesn't
count. Ha, that will teach you to let my pet toad escape! Some day I
hope to be a lawyer, like my Uncle George, he always has such fun
hiding loopholes in contracts. Anyway, Pater says we have to go away
to Genua for a few years, until the statue of lamentations runs out,
but I don't want to leave Ankh and miss reading your horoscopes.
What do the stars say I should do?"
Do not worry, my friend, for the stars say that you will have the
many great adventures in Genua, for they are the very hot-blooded
people (like Fernando's dear friend Bengo, who can do the most
amazing things in the kitchen with just the sausage and a bottle of
the tomato sauce). Fernando is not sure what is this statue of which
you speak, or where it is running out of, but Fernando is sure that
life in Genua will be filled with excitement, statue or no statue.
And do not be worried about missing out on Fernando's horoscopes,
for you can subscribe to Fernando's free c-mail mini-horoscopes by
sending the c-mail to Magnifico@... (sponsored by
Dibbler's Can o' Worms, the best worms you can get for fishing,
gardening or other household chores). Or for just AM$10 a year, you
can get the full monthly horoscope sent to you by clacks, unless the
Borogravians start cutting down the towers again.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
I am, Jack Pilcrow, greengrocer and, I have the question's to asks
the star's about my vegetable's' display's. Fernando what can I do,
to encourage the ladies' to buy more of my ware's? This is the very
good season for the asparagu's and artichoke's, and I have the best
price in Ankh-Morpork for bean's'. What do the stars' suggest I do?"
Back in Brindisi, we eat the much fresh fruit and vegetables, which
is very good for the growing bodies and to make you regular, the big
plate of greens and salads are better than any cod liver oil. This
is why we have the best footsballers in the world, no matter how
often the cheating Quirmians use the trickery to beat us. So
Fernando was the much saddened to come to Ankh-Morpork, which is
otherwise the pearl of cities, and learn that the typical Morporkian
thinks of any vegetables except the cabbage, the carrot and turnip
as the exotic and strange.
Fernando has consulted with the stars on this, and they say that
there are the three things the Morporkian housewife looks for in the
vegetables: #1 the price should be good, #2 they should be something
familiar enough to feed to their old mum, and #3 you can't beet the
humorous vegetable for a laugh. And if that fails, Fernando suggests
putting some more apostrophes in your signs, they attract the
shoppers like ants to honey.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
This letter is from one of Fernando's many troll readers, Mrs.
Plese excuse my ritin on account of it being warm today, I is sittin
on the bloc of ice but it not helpin much. I is the troll widow whos
hubsand died in the Koom Valley works when a rock the size of Old
Granddad fell on his head. I miss him very much, but it is time to
move on while I still haves my figure. Fernando, you knows dese
things, do the stars have advice for me on der romance and getting a
good troll man to help raise my boy, young Haematite?"
Mrs. Feldspar, or may I call you Chrysocolla?, it is true that the
stars know much about the love and romance, and they tell Fernando
that this is the Year of the Pensive Hare and you are in Ankh-
Morpork, Queen of Cities! (An elderly, slightly disreputable
queen, a little too fond of a glass or five of gin for breakfast and
with the tendency to hit people with her walking stick, perhaps, but
still the Queen.) Do not let your old fashioned country relatives
tell you what to do, the stars say that to find the good troll man
in Ankh-Morpork these days, you should not wait to be noticed. Go
out and seize the opportunity, do not wait for some troll gentlemans
to hit you with the club, you have to throw the first stone even hit
him with the table.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
You don't know me (yet, my dear!) but we have a mutual friend,
that's the famous Bard Alice Lancrevic, she suggested I write to you
because you're a man of the world AND a man of the stars or so she
says and I'm ALWAYS happy to get in touch with a man of the world,
especially the touching part. Anyway, here's my question, I moved to
Genua a few years ago and I've done VERY well in the Seamstresses'
Guild here, I'm always given the, to put it like the blue-noses do,
unusual customers and the ones with unusual requests, and when I say
unusual I think I won't have to explain to a man of the world like
yourself, isn't that so dear? So. I've done so well that I've put
aside a LOT of money and I'm thinking of opening my own Guild house.
One that specialises in the, you know, unusual, I'd be offering the
best rates to unusual clients and especially to other species,
because when you get down to it everyone needs a little love and
we're ALL the same under the skin (or the beard and helmet, or the
burial clothes, or the volcanic crust, you know what I mean). So
what I want to know is when would be the best time and place to open
for business? If you can help me out, dear Fernando, I'll give you a
special discount ANYTIME you want to visit, or even what they call a
Yours in negotiable affection,
'Rustie' (Rumbustia Verdant Miss, but with your help, soon to be
Mrs, for professional purposes that is)"
Any friend of Alice Lancrevic is a friend of Fernando's, and
Fernando is always happy to be touched by his friends. Fernando has
the many friends, and as they say, the more the merrier. Fernando
also knows that everyone needs love, and the stars are the equal
opportunity advisers when it comes to the matters of the heart, and
and also the matters of the other bits. The stars do not care if the
love is between the same species, which is to say between the
different members of the same species (and Fernando knows that it is
the very fine thing to see the different members), or even between
the different members of the different species if that's the way
your taste runs. Though possibly not in Omnia, for the Book of Om
has quite a lot to say about that sort of thing, much of it
involving the sharp spikes.
Fernando is indeed a man of the world and has never found it
necessary to negotiate for the making of the love, but if he happens
to pass your way one of these days, perhaps Fernando can show you
some of the more interesting things about his fig leaf "in lieu", as
the Quirmians say. Although Fernando prefers to say it in Brindisian
because it sounds much more romantic and less like the Morporkian
slang for the privy: "sul posto".
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
"Dear Fernando Magnifico, I am unaccustomed to asking for assistance
in such matters, but I am faced with something of a conundrum which
has so far resisted all my efforts to solve. Not that it would
defeat me forever you understand, it is only a matter of time before
I come up with the solution, but I have reason to believe that time
is of the essence and, frankly, I'm not too proud to look to the
stars for assistance. Mr Magnifico, I have reason to believe that
the golems have secretly learned how to make human-form golems, not
just human shaped, but indistinguishable from real humans, made out
of flesh and blood. There are twelve such humanoid golems, and they
have a Plan. This is a terrifying thought. What do the stars advise?
Your humble servant, Guyus Bolter."
Fernando does not know whether there are the human-formed golems,
for the stars are silent on them, but Fernando has heard of stranger
things in his life (especially in The Inquirer). But, my friend,
there is no need to worry about them, for as the great sage
Nathaniel Hammer once said, it is better to have a way than a plan.
Fernando knows that this is true, for a way will see you through
times of trouble better than a plan. So do not fear the plans of
golems (be they Pump or Toaster), for no matter what their plan may
be, there is always a way. After all, do the priests not tell us
that ultimately we're all made of clay?
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
My friends, Fernando is the very pleased to have the letter from the
renowned Blackribboner artist, the Baroness Evangelika Lugubria
Arroganta Barbina Solfami von Fledermausen:
"Dear dahlink Fernando, you haf missed my exhibition of the
fertility idols from Howondaland, you naughty boy! They reminded me
of you, dahlink, especially the one they call the Colosses of
Rhogodishu. Where did you get to, Dahlink? I might forgive you if
you cast the horoscope for your Vicki. The gallery has been just the
teensy tiny bit quiet, what do the stars say I should do?"
Fernando begs forgiveness, for he wanted to see this exhibition, but
Fernando's duty was to spend the week with his sainted mamma, who
had come all the way to Ankh-Morpork from Brindisi to visit him.
Fernando intended to spend the many hours at your gallery inspecting
the idols, but you know how it is, he could not leave his mamma
alone, and he could not bring her to see the idols with their great
big parts, for mamma would have had a stroke.
The stars have told Fernando that this will be a good month for the
art for all Gazundians. Whether you are the artist, or merely the
supporter of art, now is a good month to go and view art, or do art,
or possibly be art! Just don't be like Fernando's nephew Tony (not
his cousin Tony, who makes the much yellow water, or his other
cousin Tony, with the squint), who passed out at the tattoo parlour
expecting to get a small and tasteful map of Brindisi on his
shoulder, but woke up with the entire Disc on his back -- including
Quirm, and Brindisi was drawn in the wrong place!
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
This letter is from Geoffry Ladlemeyer of Cockleberry Lane:
"Dear Mr. Fernando,
I'm not much for the writing, but I read yer horos cope thingies
every month, very educational they are, I learned things I never
knew was possible. Its a funny ole world, but I spect you already
knows that. I'm writing for the advice, Mr. Fernando, on account of
me retiring from my profession as master cabinet-maker. Don't think
I'm not grateful for the work, Mr. Fernando, cos times is tough and
some people don't have enough to keep the debt collectors from the
door, the poor sods. But I've been making the cabinets for fifty-
five years, man and boy, and the wife and I have put aside a bit of
a nest egg to go travellin and see the Disc. At least the more
polite parts. Yer a man of the world Mr. Fernando and I don't mind
telling yer I wouldn't mind going to Howanderland where I hears the
ladies run around without any drawers on, heh heh, but the missus
don't want to go to any strange forin parts. Anyways, Gladys (that's
the missus) and me was thinking of buying one of them new moveable
homes, the ones you hitch to a team of oxen, and go for the tour
around Sto Lat, Sto Hellit, even Quirm, beggin yer pardon Mr.
Fernando, meybe as far as Lancre (I hears the witches dance about
doing unspeakable things in the nuddie, but don't tell Gladys). We
has heard that some folk look down their noses at those what live in
the moveable-home. Especially Mrs. Analgesia. Do them stars have any
advice about this?"
My friend, let Fernando congratulate you, for it is truly said that
travel embiggens the mind, and Fernando is always please to see
people go to new places and meet the wonderful new people and learn
about the new customs. Even Quirm, for until you have seen Quirm,
you cannot truly be grateful that you are not Quirmian! Just look at
Fernando, who has travelled all over the Disc and has become the
molto broad-minded. Fernando has consulted the stars, and they say
that you should pay the no attention to those who make the sneering
at the moveable-home, for they are just the jealous that while you
are travelling and experiencing the wonderful new things, they are
stuck doing the same thing every day. So do not be shamed by your
moveable-house, my friends, you should be proud!
But let Fernando tell you the one more thing... it is the old wives
tale (mostly spread by the old husbands, and the wizards who spend
too much time indoors breathing the strange candle fumes) about the
witches of Lancre. Fernando has travelled in Lancre and met many
witches, and apart from the Mrs. Ogg they very rarely are seen in
the nuddie. And Mrs. Ogg only in the warmer months when she is sure
that Mistress Weatherwax won't see her.
If you have any questions or requests, write:
Copyright (c) 2010 by Klatchian Foreign Legion