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WOSSNAME -- August 2010 -- Part 5 of 5

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  • granny_tude
    WOSSNAME -- JULY 2010 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 5 -- HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED, AND CLOSE 27)
    Message 1 of 1 , Aug 26, 2010
      WOSSNAME -- JULY 2010 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued)


      28) CLOSE



      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      In your dreams, my Boring'un friends, you are often fleeing from
      some unseen dreadful entity. (If you are the Banshee, it is more
      likely that *you* are the dreadful entity. Fernando knows that
      Banshees are not often having the nightmares, but are often the
      cause of nightmares. Fernando does not judge, for he understands
      that it takes all kinds.) In your dream, you are running down the
      silent streets of the Shades in the dark, with something horrible
      following you. Whenever you turn around, it is gone, but you know it
      is there and no matter how fast you run you cannot lose it, and it
      gets closer and closer until you awake.

      Do not be afeared my friends, for the stars have given Fernando the
      knowing of these things, and Fernando can tell you that this is
      nothing but the nightmare, for in real life, there is nothing
      dreadful enough that would make you run alone through the Shades
      after dark.


      Androgyna Majestis  24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Andies, the stars say that your dream is Fernando's favourite dream:
      it is the sexy dream, if you know what Fernando means. In your
      dream, you will be with the beautiful or handsome stranger, and you
      will be beautiful or handsome yourself, and what happens next is
      what is only to be expected when two beautiful or handsome strangers
      are thrown together in a dream... Fernando often has these dreams,
      only in Fernando's case they are not only in the dreams. Alas for
      you my friends, not everyone can be Fernando, but at least you can
      take solace in the fact that what you cannot have in the waking
      life, you can have in the dream life.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, the stars tell Fernando that you wake from your dream in
      your own bed, and as you look around the room you realise that this
      is not your beautiful house, this is not your beautiful wife.
      (Fernando's second cousin Joseph often experienced this, although in
      Joseph's case it was because the house was not his house and the
      wife was not his wife.) Everything looks the same but you know, in
      every fibre of your being, that there is something wrong, you are
      not in your house, and you start to panic... and then you wake from
      your dream, and you are in your bed, and suddenly you realise that
      this is not your house, everything is wrong... and then you wake in
      your bed. And then you realise that it is all wrong... Fernando
      knows that sometimes there can be as many as four or five of these
      "false awakenings", as they are called, and this can be more
      terrifying than any ordinary nightmare. Even the one about the dog
      with the orange eyebrows. But do not worry, my friends, for the
      stars say that this is the same as it ever was.


      Hoki the Jokester  22 Dec - 20 Jan

      My Hokian friends, the stars say that you have the strangest dream
      of all: being C.M.O.T. Dibbler. In your dream, you find a small door
      in the storeroom of your working place and when you open it you find
      yourself inside the head of the great and terrible Dibbler! There
      you watch through his eyes as he sells his terrifying sausages over
      and over and you are powerless to stop him. If you do try, in your
      dream you are thrown from his brain to wake up by the side of a
      cabbage field on the Sto Lat road. Your only hope is to be like
      Fernando's cousin Paolo, who was the famous puppeteer born under the
      sign of Hoki. In his dreams, Paolo was able to control his Dibbler
      like the marionette. But sadly, cousin Paolo developed a mortal
      fear of sausages when he was awake and can no longer work at the
      fairs and festivales for, the slightest smell of sausages causes him
      to shake uncontrollably and scream "the sizzle, the cursed deceitful
      sizzle!" My friends, pray to the god of your choice that you do not
      have this dream and hope that if you must dream of secret doors, it
      is of the wardrobe with the talking lions in it.


      The Rather Large Gazunda  21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Gazundians, the stars tell Fernando that your dream is the most
      common and terrible nightmare. In this nightmare, you suddenly find
      you are naked in public, or as the more colourful Morporkians say,
      in the nuddy, most often in front of your boss or your professore or
      worst of all, in front of your dreaded Auntie Malfeasia and her
      entire sewing circle. Many peoples suffer from this dream in times
      of great stress, if they are the students who do not study hard
      enough or the employee who wants to ask for a promotion, but
      Gazundians are espeziale prone to dreaming of the public nakedness
      and making the creative terrors. Gazundians dream of being suddenly
      naked at the fruits market, or in the middle of Sator Square, or at
      a civic banquet at the Patrician's Palace just after Lord Vetinari
      has stood up to make the after-dinner speech, or during an audience
      with the High Priest of Blind Io, or at the wedding shower of their
      sister where they are mistaken for the hired stripper and chased
      through the streets by crazed women who have drunk far too much
      vino. Of course, if you are a member of the Guild of Naturists, or
      if you work in the industry that makes the naughty peep shows, this
      is not so much the nightmare as it is the most molto bellissimo
      dream you could ever hope to have.


      Lesser Umbrage   19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, the stars tell Fernando that the nightmare for you is
      the dreaming of clowns. It is said that clowns exist to delight the
      bambinos and bring the tears of laughter to the adults, but to many
      the clown is a fearsome apparition. So many people are afeared of
      clowns that the headologists have a name for this fear: Boffophobia.
      (The headologists also say that the best way to deal with the
      crippling fears is to face them. Fernando suspects that many members
      of the Fools' Guild are Boffophobes who took this therapy the step
      too far.) In your dream, you are enjoying a day at the circus when
      suddenly you find yourself behind the big tent, surrounded by dozens
      and dozens of clowns who leer at you with their painted smiles and
      honk at you with their bladders and squirt you with their humorous
      artificial flower boutonnieres, coming closer and closer until you
      are, as we say in Brindisi, unmanned. Or perhaps you have the
      nightmare in which you look in the mirror and discover that *you*
      are a clown, and no matter how many times you wash your face, the
      make-up will not come off. Then all the people in the street point
      and laugh, and you find yourself wishing you were born under the
      Sign of the Gazunda instead, because being naked in public is the
      walk in the spring breezes compared to being a clown for life.

      If you are the typical Umbragian, you also have the recurring
      nightmare where the evil clown Ronald the Wise, who is actually a
      disguised Thing from the Dungeon Dimensions, lures you down below
      the streets to the river where everyone floats. Of course if this
      happens you will realise that this must be a dream, because on the
      real Ankh you could never sink in enough to float.


      My friends, Fernando has the special bonus for you -- the prediction
      for all signs. For Fernando knows very well that all peoples (and
      even one or two of the trolls) have the one dream in common: the
      dream to be more like Fernando, or to be Fernando, or just to be
      with Fernando. Do not be afeared that Fernando knows your secret
      dreams, cara mia, for Fernando does not judge you badly. For what
      could be more natural than to dream of being as magnifico as


      28) AND IT'S G'DAY FROM ME

      And finally, a charming piece in The Guardian by Ian Stewart (yes,
      *that* Ian Stewart), explaining why he's going to DWcon once again:

      "Terry's books tread the boundary where science fiction merges into
      fantasy. Only Terry would ask what the tooth fairy wants all those
      teeth for. His writing is informed by everything from Welsh folklore
      to superstrings. As a result, his fans are by no means the anorak-
      wearing loonies that the popular press seems to imagine. More than
      half are women, their ages range from five to 100, and the strange
      person dressed up as death's apprentice often turns out to be an
      accountant, a doctor, or the CEO of a small electronics company...


      I'll leave you with a thought from last night's supper with my
      Dearly Beloved. We had wandered onto the subject of iconic movies
      I'd either never seen or seen and disliked, and the name of
      Labyrinth came up.Now, hate me if you wish, but I've never been able
      to abide that film, even though it contains things that I *do* like
      very much (Muppets? Check. David Bowie? Check. Jennifer Connelly?
      Um, well, I certainly enjoyed her latest work...). "The problem is,"
      I said, "that it's miles too fairy-tale-ish for me. I simply can't
      see anything interesting about a young girl whose baby brother is
      stolen by an evil fairy and she ventures into the evil fairy's
      domain to rescue him and is aided by strange, funny little
      creatures..." Cue sudden silence and the slow blink of dawning
      realisation. "...hang on. Young girl... baby brother stolen by an
      evil fairy... strange, funny little creatures... oh..."

      See, it's all in the way they tell 'em :-)

      Have a lovely end-of-summer/end of winter, and we'll see you next
      month. Having a foot in each hemisphere, I'm celebrating both. Take
      care, all!

      -- Annie


      End of Part 5.
      If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2010 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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