WOSSNAME -- July 2010 -- Part 5 of 5
- WOSSNAME -- JULY 2010 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued)
====Part 5 -- HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED, AND CLOSE
28) HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED SEP > MAR
28) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE SEP > MAR
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Boring'uns, Fernando knows that sometimes it seems that your only
role in life is to be the horrible warning to others, but Fernando
can assure you this is not true! It might seem that way when the
ghastly Creatures from the Dungeon Dimensions are pouring out of
your attic, or worse, when your ghastly brother-in-law from
Pseudopolis arrives unexpectedly for the week, but Fernando knows
that the stars are not so cruel. It is only the sometimes that the
horrors are banging on your door at 3 a.m. with their suitcase,
complaining that your sister has thrown him out again and he needs a
room for the night ("two, three at the most"), and as for tentacled
monstrosities, they hardly ever happen, even in Empirical Crescent.
So do not be afeared, my friends, and let Fernando assure you that
your role in the great school of life is to be the one who isn't
even picked last for the ball games, but isn't picked at all. And
Fernando knows that's just the way you like it.
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
When Fernando was the small boy, and he would day-dream instead of
looking to his lessons, his sainted mamma would give him the clip
around the ear and drag him out into the garden. "Look at the bees
working hard," she would say, only in Brindisian you understand,
which sounds the much more beautiful, "you want to be like them."
But Fernando knows that not all the bees are the hard workers. Back
in the hive is the Queen, who lords over all the other bees, and the
drones, the big fat males who do nothing but sit around and wait for
the opportunity to chase a new queen. (This reminds Fernando of some
of the men back in his village.) As Fernando knows, there can only
be the one Queen Bee in the hive, and she deals with any challenger
for her position: slash, bite, disembowel. And so it is like for the
Queen Bee (and the rarer King Bee) of the humans too, only it is
usually the biting wit and slashing insult and only rarely the
actual disembowelling. There can only be the one Queen of any group,
and the stars say that this is your role to play in the great
school-yard of life. Fernando knows that she is not always the
smartest, or prettiest, but she will defend her position with the
ferocity of Fernando's Aunt Maria wielding the broom against the
young mens who disrespect her.
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Fernando knows that every class room has the one child who is always
joking around. And is this not true of all of life, my friends?
Whenever there is a lesson to be learned, whenever there is a skill
to be practised, there is one whose greatest pleasure is to disrupt
it with a joke, a gag, or in the extreme cases, by running through
the room naked except for a chicken covering their voonerables.
Spooners, the stars say that this person is you. Let Fernando give
you the word of advice: choose your chicken carefully, for some of
them have the vicious beak.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Fernando knows very well that the Hokians in the school are often
the class clown, except for those who join the Fools Guild and have
any tendency to humour beaten out of them. But the ways of the stars
are strange, and they tell Fernando that your role in the great
school of life is not to be the joker (that goes to Spooners!) but
that of the maverick or iconoclast. Fernando knows that every group
has at least one person who sees things differently from the rest
and can point out follies before they lead to disaster, and who
better to do this than those born under the sign of the Trickster?
Or at least, Fernando knows that every group *needs* such a person.
Especially the Brindisian army. Fernando's great-uncle Giuseppe told
him of the time Generalissimo Muscolino ordered the army to attack
the island of Ironica. Wave after wave of men drowned as they were
bravely led into the ocean by their officers, wiping out no fewer
than six battalions, until one junior lieutenant pointed out that
nobody had organised boats to carry them. The Generalissimo awarded
himself another medal for this, and put the lieutenant on latrine
scrubbing duties for a week. Cara mia, do you see now why Fernando
prefers to make the love and not the war?
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
Every school needs the maintenance, when the students are away or
when they make the messes in the corridors, and Fernando knows that
this is true even in the great school of life. Gazundians, the stars
have told Fernando that you are born to be the janitor or cleaner.
Fernando knows that this is the mixed blessing, as they say, for
while it is true that you have to deal with the messy jobs that
nobody else wants and get the no respect (except for Mr Lupo, who
cleans up the *really* messy jobs before the Watch finds out about
them), Fernando also knows that nobody notices a man with a mop. My
friends, carry a mop and bucket, keep quiet, and pay attention to
what you see and hear, and you will get the education second to
none. Just be discreet about what you learn, or you might end up as
one of Mr Lupo's little cleaning jobs.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Fernando knows that in the great school of life there are those
whose achievements are with the books, and those who are more suited
to the physical activities and sports. Umbragians, the stars say
that it is your lot to to be one of the "jocks", as they say. To be
the jock is the funny thing, for Fernando knows that the man jocks
are much more popular with the womens than the woman jocks are with
the mans. Perhaps it is that the average man who is not Fernando is
intimidated by the womans who are stronger, faster, and healthy than
they are? Such a thing seems molto bizzarro to Fernando, but he
knows that it is true. My friends, although the jock is molto
popular, you must be prepared that many will also look down upon you
for being the "dumb jock". This is because you are not Fernando, who
is magnificent with the books and also with the sports. Do not be
jealous, for there is only one Fernando, and being so magnificent is
the cross that only Fernando can bear.
29) AND IT'S G'DAY FROM ME
"Newshounds! Heeeere, Newshounds!" Has anyone seen my Newshounds?
They seem to have gone missing this month. Argh! It's lonely here at
the WOSSNAME cubbyhole, with only Fernando to keep me company (and I
have to keep poking him with a sharp stick, because we all know what
Fernando is like). Many thanks as always to the one and only Colin
Smythe -- and to various members of Bugarup University at
Yahoogroups -- for filling in some of the gaps :-)
If you do see a passing Newshound, please capture and send to Annie
Mac, The Cubbyhole, Mel's Bourne, Fourecks... if anyone out there
would like to volunteer for Newshound duty, please email me at
interact@... -- especially if you're going to attend DWcon
or Wadfest and would be so kind as to write a report.
Last but not least, a nice little recommendation for Nanny Ogg's
Cookbook, from a librarian in Fairbanks, Alaska:
"I'll leave to your imagination the details of Nanny Ogg's more
intriguing culinary delights, such as 'Wow-wow Sauce,' 'Dried Frog
Pills' and 'Rat Vindaloo.' Just know that my wife was suitably
impressed by a lovely Pink Wobbler I presented for dessert last
week. Sadly, our library doesn't own Ogg's worthy tome, but I've
requested we buy it..."
That's all for this month. We'll be back (at least Fernando and I
will be) next month with all the usual, plus a Tiffany Aching
retrospective in honour of the forthcoming I Shall Wear Midnight,
and a few words about that book -- without spoilers, of course...
Take care, and keep buying those Pratchetts!
End of Part 5.
If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2010 by Klatchian Foreign Legion