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WOSSNAME -- July 2010 -- Part 4 of 5

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    WOSSNAME --JULY 2010 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 -- WEIRD ALICE, AND HOROSCOPE 26) WEIRD
    Message 1 of 1 , Jul 25, 2010
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      WOSSNAME --JULY 2010 -- PART 4 OF 5 (continued)

      ====Part 4 -- WEIRD ALICE, AND HOROSCOPE




      Just because... a reprint of Weird Alice's favourite major parody,
      originally published in WOSSNAME some years ago:


      (with apologies to Billy Joel)

      by Weird Alice Lancrevic

      Turnwise Ocean, Great A'Tuin, Ridcully, month of Spune
      Imp y Celyn, Coffin Henry, Stick and Bucket Dance
      Corp'ral Cheery Littlebottom, Lavaeolus, Margolotta
      Tattooed blue MacFeegle wearing kilts instead of pants
      Circle Sea, Sto Lat, Sourcery, pointy hat
      Lu-Tze, the Book of Om, Necrotelicomnicon
      Lords and Ladies, Night Watch, Bad Ass in the Ramtops
      B.S. Johnson, Djelibeybi, Casanunda -- I'm gone...

      We didn't steal the fire
      It was only restin' on Dunmanifestin
      We didn't steal the fire
      Now the gods decry us, but they can't deny us

      Sgt. Colon, Copperhead, Beggars' Guild, "I aten't dead!"
      Herne the Hunted, "Where *is* Muntab?", Reginald Shoe
      Sam Vimes in The Times, Vetinari hates mimes
      "Numbers" Riktor, "Oook!" and Lancre Blue
      Broad Way, Lobsneaks, poor and proud in Cockbill Street
      Jingo, Carpe Jugulum, CURRY? I COULD MURDER ONE
      John Keel, Ronnie Soak, Dibbler cuts his own throat
      Sto Helit, Agnes Nitt, Ronnie Rust's a right twit...

      We didn't steal the fire
      Io's too self-centred, so we broke and entered
      We didn't steal the fire
      Just a bit of cheating for some central heating

      Reacher Gilt, Wee Free Men, Stibbons in the H.E.M.
      Low King, Wolf attacks, strange message on the Clacks
      Belafon...need a Gonne? -- Leonard will design one
      Swamp dragons, Harry King, Bel-Shamharoth, Captain Swing
      Princess Keli, Duck Man, Blind Io, Klatchistan
      Death of Rats, Igor, magic number's twice four
      Gaspode, octarine, Senior Wrangler and the Dean,
      Sacharissa, Rincewind, and the Band With Rocks In...

      We didn't steal the fire
      Flames were so good-looking we invented cooking
      We didn't steal the fire
      It just kind of blew in, now we're BBQ-in'

      Hodgesaargh, Small Gods, Druids at Eisteddfod
      Vorbis, Albert, stop for lunch in Twoshirts
      Carrot Ironfoundersson, Cohen the Barbarian
      Magrat, Clockson, Holy Wood..inna bun
      Thieves' Guild, Mrs. Cake, cross Patrician? -- *big* mistake!
      One in ten: lucky break, Captain Quirke is on the take...

      We didn't steal the fire
      It was only restin' on Dunmanifestin
      We didn't steal the fire
      No, they didn't catch us when we took their matches

      Carrot and oyster pie, Quantum Weather Butterfly
      Greebo, Modo, Nobby Nobbs (oh no!)
      Dotsie, Sadie, Foul Ole Ron, Mrs. Palm and "Mossy" Lawn
      Weatherwax headology, Unseen University
      Lady Sybil, Willikins, Mr. Tulip, Mr. Pin,
      Land of Fog, Wonder Dog, Wow-Wow Sauce, Nanny Ogg
      Moist von Lipwig, "Where's my cow?", Done It Duncan, Here 'n' Now
      Koom Valley, Mr. Shine -- whoopee, it's the final line!

      We didn't steal the fire
      It was always waiting for appropriating
      We didn't steal the fire
      We can build and burn it -- now let's go return it
      We didn't steal the fire
      Now the gods decry us, but they can't deny us
      We didn't steal the fire...

      NOTE: for those of you who might not know the original lyric, rest
      assured that the verses below follow the rhythm and metre very, very
      faithfully (except for the last line of the last verse, but that was
      deliberate). If you wish to compare, go to http://tinyurl.com/m9ezc


      As you know, the upcoming 2010 DWCon is set to feature a Discworld
      parody of the Rocky Horror Show, with official permission given by
      original writer Richard O'Brien. But it's worth remembering that
      Rocky Horror has already been *unofficially* parodied at a Discworld
      convention: the inaugural NADWCon in 2009. To celebrate the imminent
      DVD release of Going Postal, a relevant reprint:


      Moist von Lipwig was saved
      The day his death was waived
      So he said he'd make a stand
      And Miss Dearheart went bust
      And formed the Golem Trust
      War raged between supply and demand
      Then dead letters spoke
      And the postmen awoke
      They set out to deliver the mail
      Then there were lucky breaks
      Till baddies raised the stakes
      And this is how we'll see the tale:

      Going Postal (ooh ooh ooh) TV feature
      Postman Moist (ooh ooh ooh) will challenge Reacher
      See David Suchet (ooh ooh ooh), Dance and Coyle
      A wing-ed hat made (ooh ooh ooh) of gold tinfoil
      Woh oh oh ohh oh oh
      In the Discworld Going Postal picture show

      Moist made scamming look funny
      Said "Show me the money"
      When he claimed to have Gods on his side
      While the Smoking G-NU
      Passed their messages through
      And the ghosts up in the Overhead cried
      Mister Pump's never late
      And Stanley knows his stamps and pins
      But when morals clash
      And it's all about cash
      You're gonna hope that the better man wins
      In the...

      Going Postal (ooh ooh ooh) TV feature
      Mister Gryle's (ooh ooh ooh) a scary creature
      See Crispin Horsefry (ooh ooh ooh) sweat and stammer
      Grand Trunk guys end up (ooh ooh ooh) in the slammer
      Woh oh oh ohh oh oh
      In the Discworld Going Postal picture show
      Set your TiVo
      Oh oh oh ohh
      In the Discworld Going Postal picture show
      Watch ratings grow
      Oh oh oh ohh
      In the Discworld Going Postal picture show
      With Blind I-o
      Wo oh oh ohh
      In the Discworld Going Postal picture show



      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno my friends, it is I, Fernando! The Lady Asterisk is not
      available as she has poked herself in the eye with a bear, but do
      not fear, for I shall be your astrologer this month!

      Fernando knows that life is the process of learning one thing after
      another. Apart from Fernando's uncle Sebastian, who thinks he knows
      it all. But for the rest of us, there is always something new to
      learn, yes, even for Fernando, for Fernando is not too proud to
      admit that he is like the person standing on the shoulders of a
      dwarf by the infinite sea of knowledge. If learning the astrological
      sciences has taught Fernando anything, it is that there's always
      something new under the sun.

      For those of you who have been the apprentice to a master craftsman,
      or a novice priest or priestess, or perhaps the student at UU or
      another college, you will know exactly what Fernando is talking
      about. So this month, Fernando has asked the stars what your role in
      the great schooling of life is to be.

      Ciao bella!


      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Back in Brindisi, Fernando would often see the old women, dressed
      all in black, twitching the curtains to look out for something they
      can disapprove of. With Fernando's cousin Mario in town, they didn't
      have to look far. And not just the old women too, for Fernando knows
      that it is people of all ages and sexes who are always ready to
      "tell you off", as they say. They are the hall monitors of life, the
      persons who is there to berate you if you are tardy or enjoying
      yourself too much -- especially the second, my friends. Hoggers, the
      stars say that it is your place to be the hall monitor in the great
      school of life. You might not win many friends for it, but if not
      for you, who will stop people from hanging the towels the wrong way


      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      It is said that "Those who can, do, and those who can't, teach".
      Munchers, the stars say that you are well-suited for the role of
      teacher in the school of life. Do not be disappointed, for the
      teachers are the necessary. For everyone who "does", there is the
      unthanked teacher behind them who taught them everything they know.
      Fernando knows that knowledge rarely comes naturally, which is why
      Fernando is always willing to share his hard-won knowledge of the
      arts of making the love. It is the thankless job, but Fernando's
      broad shoulders will carry the burden. (Classes held at the Young
      Men's Reformed Cultists of the Ichor God Bel-Shamharoth Association
      every Tuesday and Thursday evenings, AM$5 a lesson, discounts
      available for couples. Bring your own notepaper and pencils, whipped
      cream will be supplied.)


      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians, some people go to the finest universitys, others find a
      mentor to teach, while yet others are self-taught. The stars tell
      Fernando that your role is to go to "the university of hard knocks",
      as they say. Your teacher is bitter experience, your tutor will be
      the sting of failure. But do not be concerned, my friends, for there
      is no knowledge as good as that learned by experience, and while
      your road to knowledge may be hard, it will get you there further
      and faster. Like Fernando's Uncle Salvatore, who knows better than
      most people that trying to stomp on a Nac Mac Feegle is not wise if
      you wish to keep your leg.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Staffies, the stars say that your role in the life-long schooling is
      to be the Head Master. Not for you is the life of the students and
      teachers: the privationes, the disrespect, the corporal punishment
      for any mistake. The stars say you will be above all that, doling it
      out to others as you see fit. But remember, my friends, even the
      Head Master can fall, and no matter who you are, there is always the
      one molto cunning student or the brave teacher who will find the way
      to stand up to you. So remember well that if you are too arrogant
      and prickly (and Fernando hopes that you are not!), the Gods love
      nothing more than seeing the prideful be humiliated. Well, perhaps
      setting fire to atheists, or the fat man slipping on the banananana
      skin onto the dogs doings. But do not worry, my friends, for
      students and teachers move on and there will always be the new
      generation to lord high and mighty over.


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Fernando knows that some people who are the very physical, and
      others who are the less physical and more intellectual. Bilians, the
      stars say that you are in the second group. When others are down the
      pub for the two hour liquid lunch, you will be the one back at the
      factory working on improvements to the mill or practising hard the
      new work skills. So do not worry, my friends, whether others call
      you the nerd, the swot, the clever clogs or even the stibbo, it does
      not matter, for the stars say it will be you who gets the promotion
      while those down the pub get the sack. Unless of course the boss is
      down the pub with them, in which case Fernando knows it's only a
      matter of time before it is you who is looking for the new job.


      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Snippies, the stars tell Fernando that your role in the school of
      life is to be the substitute teacher. It is your lot in life to be
      ready to step in at a moment's notice to substitute for another,
      when that person is not available due to illness, drunkedness or
      lack of the motivation. Fernando knows very well that this is the
      challenging job to do, for you must be capable of turning your hand
      to anything, sometimes with no notice at all. My friends, if you can
      immediately switch from talking about the Muntab Question, to
      operating a lathe (and keeping young Billy from lathing his
      hamster), to teaching the algebra to the bored adolescents, all
      without missing a beat, then Fernando knows that you will make the
      molto bene substitute teacher. If not, do not be afeared my friends,
      for it is not just the teachers who need the substitutes. Look at
      Fernando, who is not only the very handsome, but after 30 months he
      is still substituting for the Lady Asterisk.

      [Continued in Part 5]


      End of Part 4 -- continued on Part 5 of 5.
      If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2010 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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