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WOSSNAME -- June 2010 -- Part 5 of 5

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  • granny_tude
    WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2010 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 5 -- HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED, AND CLOSE 20)
    Message 1 of 1 , Jun 28, 2010
      WOSSNAME -- JUNE 2010 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued)


      21) CLOSE



      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Snippies, Fernando knows that the business of Ankh-Morpork is
      business, and your adventure is the corporate takeover. Fernando
      knows that it is no longer fashionable to make the profit by
      providing a good product or service, instead all the "go-getters"
      prefer to make the money by buying the small businesses with other
      people's money and shutting them down. Fernando is not the expert in
      the finance, but it seems very strange to be making the profit this
      way, but it seemed to work for Fernando's nephew Niccolo. At least
      until he invested AM$300,000 of Lord Rust's money in premium
      sausages from sausage-inna-bun.AM, and now he is somewhere in
      Fourecks, or possibly at the bottom of a wild troll.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Boring'uns, Fernando has the mixed goods and bads news for you.
      Fernando knows that if there is anything you do not want, it is the
      adventures, so the bad news is that the stars see the adventure in
      your future. But the good news is that this is the adventure that
      you can have have in the comfort and safety of your own home. Your
      adventure is: cabbage flies. The stars tell Fernando that you must
      face the swarm of cabbage flies this month -- even if you do not
      have the cabbages. (The gods love their little jokes.) But do not be
      afeared my friends, for Fernando has the cousin who sells the most
      effective potion of sulphur and garlic, guaranteed to work on
      aphids, caterpillars, mites and, yes, even the cabbage flies!


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      My friends, Fernando is the great horse lover. Whether it is
      mounting the young filly or riding the magnificent stallion hard,
      Fernando loves them all. He even if quite fond of the asses as well,
      although they do tend to make the loud noise at the embarrassing
      moments, and of course we know that the ass requires the much
      persuasion before you can ride it. For this reason Fernando is the
      very pleased for the Andies, for your adventure is to ride off with
      the horsemen of the Hubland steppes! You will get to eat the horse
      steaks, drink the fermented horse milk (and trust Fernando on this,
      milking the horse is not the easy thing to do!), ride the
      magnificent horses across the endless steppes, and if you are the
      very lucky or talented, perhaps you will get to make the love to the
      chieftain's son or daughter as well. Or perhaps both. But if you are
      not the lover of the horses (perhaps you prefer the Klatchian
      camel?), the stars have the answer for you too, for your crossroad
      is the journey to Genua. Take the journey to Genua, and the stars
      say your journey will be diverted; or stay home, and the stars say
      the closest you will come to the horses is to stand in their doings
      while crossing the street.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, the stars say that your adventure will be to rescue the
      Prisoner of Muntab, the mysterious but famous man locked in their
      dungeons for the many years now. Who is he? Is it true, as some say,
      that he is the rightful ruler of Muntab? Could he know some terrible
      secret that would bring down the government? Is he 100 feet tall
      with eyes of fire and hands made of scissors, as Fernando's Uncle
      Salvatore believes? The stars are silent on this, but they do tell
      Fernando that there are two futures for you. In one, you go about
      your everyday business, secure and safe (or at least as secure and
      safe as anyone can be in Ankh-Morpork), while in the other you
      travel to Muntab, suffering every privation and risking torture and
      death to rescue the Prisoner of Muntab. If this is not to your
      liking, Fernando has consulted with the stars and can tell you
      exactly what to do to avoid it: when the man in the pub asks you to
      go to Muntab to deliver a package, hit him with your chair and sneak
      off home when the brawl starts.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, your adventure is perhaps the most exciting adventure of
      all, second only to Fernando's life in which every day is an
      adventure: the stars say you shall go over the Rim and sail across
      the sky, like the brave Chelonauts before you (a few of whoms
      actually came back). You will get to sail over the Rim, and see the
      sun flash through the Rimfall, sail beneath the legs of the
      elephants and see Great A'Tuin up close. And then? Fernando does not
      know, for the stars are unaccountably mysterious on this matter. If
      Fernando is reading them correctly -- and of course he is, for
      Fernando is the magnificent astrologer -- then you will travel down
      the tunnel of many colours of light before meeting your future self
      and the giant star-baby. But what this means, Fernando cannot say,
      for life is a mystery. Perhaps you will survive to land on some
      other world, as some sea-trolls float across the Void and land on
      the Disc. Or you might be transported by the gods to some celestial
      plane, or perhaps even return to Ankh-Morpork after marrying some
      beautiful princess or handsome prince from another world? But if you
      prefer to escape this adventure, the stars say: avoid going on any
      three-hour cruises, no matter how calm the seas look when you start.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      When Fernando was the small boy, he used to love hearing the
      thrilling stories of Cohen the Barbarian, Bravd and the Weasel, and
      Hrun and his magical sword Kring. Who cannot be excited by the
      stories of the great Heroes fighting the evil Grand Viziers, slaying
      the trolls (the wild, evil trolls you understand, not the modern
      civilized trolls who are the most excellente citizens of the city),
      stealing the jewels from the temples in the distant lands (no
      disrespect meant to the gods, of course, but the wicked false gods
      of the foreigners who don't know any better) and rescuing the
      bellissima princesses from the dragons? Fernando has the exciting
      news for Gazundians, for the stars say that all you have to do is
      wander into The Duke's Armpit tavern in Wixons Alley on the Thursday
      night with a sword, and you too can be having the barbarian
      adventure deep in the jungles and pyramids of Tezuman. Fernando
      wishes he could join you, but he has the duty to stay in Ankh-
      Morpork and write the horoscopes.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, the stars have the most healthy adventure for you!
      Fernando is the great believer in taking the long walks in the woods
      for exercising the muscles and keeping the constitution molto bene
      (especially if you go walking with the close friend, if you know
      what Fernando means), and this month your adventure is to go for the
      walks through the kingdom of Lancre. Fernando has visited Lancre on
      his way to Ankh-Morpork, and he knows that even the simple walk
      there is a true adventure. There are the tall mountains and deep
      ravines, of course, and gnarly ground, many magical Standing Stones,
      and even a few Walking Stones. You may meet the powerful Lancre
      witches (Fernando knows that it is not true that they will turn you
      into a frog if you disrespect them -- you will just *wish* they had
      turned you into the frog). Beware of the terrible one-eyed scar-
      faced giant cat who stalks the forests of Lancre, eating bears and
      small children who don't do their chores. Fernando has been told
      that there is a wild unicorn somewhere deep in the forest, which had
      been stolen from the Fair Folk by a wicked witch and bound in the
      cold iron. Perhaps this is true, and perhaps not, but Fernando knows
      that it is definitely true that Lancre is home to a clan of
      MacFeegle. And for those Umbragians who would prefer not to be
      mugged for any alcohol, the stars give you the alternative: you can
      avoid your adventure in Lancre by going to Uberwald instead.


      26) CLOSE

      Fernando of Brindisi is fond of referring to mysteries, but this
      month the great mystery for me was "what happened to my Newshounds?"
      As we go to press, I still have no idea. Maybe they went on one of
      Fernando's adventures and fell down the wrong leg of their
      horoscope... But quite a lot of frantic scouring of the internet
      later, the news was found if not the newsgatherers! A very heartfelt
      thank-you goes to Colin Smythe and to Lynsey at Transworld for their
      invaluable help on the information front -- to them I award a
      virtual cookie and an honorary Newshound hat (sadly, neither golden
      nor wing'ed).

      And that's all from us, and off to put the kettle on for me. Here's
      to an enjoyable summer (or winter, down in Fourecks and the Land of
      Fog), and we'll see you next month...

      -- Annie Mac


      End of Part 5.
      If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2010 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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