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WOSSNAME -- April 2010 -- Part 4 of 4

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    WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2010 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED, AND CLOSE 24)
    Message 1 of 1 , Apr 27, 2010
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      WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2010 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)


      25) CLOSE



      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Snippies, this month the stars say that you will come into money.
      The ways of the stars are mysterious, even to Fernando, but they are
      very clear about this, trust Fernando on this, although they have
      not said how much. Perhaps that dear Muntabian widow woman Mrs
      Maria-Theresa Slug will finally send the money she has promised. Or
      perhaps you will find a shilling in the gutter just when you need it
      most. As Fernando's grandmama Angelina always says, "it doesn't
      matter whether you are rich or poor, so long as you have money".
      Just make sure you don't let the Revenoo find out.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Fernando knows that there are the two sorts of luck in the world.
      There is the luck you have when the chamberpot is emptied in the
      street just *after* you have passed by. And there is the other sort.
      My Boring'un friends, the stars have said that this month you will
      be having the other sort. For the next four weeks, you can expect to
      have the bad luck: stepping in the dog doings, losing your wallet,
      accidentally knocking over a drink belonging to somebody called
      Slasher, and having Mrs Cake join your church. Fernando feels your
      pain, but do not worry my friends, for the stars tell Fernando that
      next month you will look back fondly at this one!


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      It is said that travel broadens the mind, which is why Fernando left
      Brindisi and has spent many years travelling around the Disc. But
      there is the other sort of travel, the travel that does not broaden
      but in fact narrows the mind: the boring, soul-destroying travel
      back and forth until you dig yourself a rut you can never escape
      from. My friends, the stars say that this month you will travel, but
      they do not say whether it will be you on a paddleship down the
      Vieux River, or just you trudging down to the same pub every day at
      exactly the same time for the same four pints of lager with the same
      friends. (Not literally the same pints, you understand, although
      Fernando has heard all the jokes about the recycled Morporkian
      beers. But knowing about the certain class of Morporkian publican,
      Fernando is not *completely* sure they are only the jokes.) Fernando
      knows very well the comfort of having the routine, but do not be
      like Fernando's old uncle Umberto who went to the same cafe each day
      for a game of cards. One day the cafe caught fire, and he pushed his
      way past the on-lookers and bucket-brigade, walked straight into the
      flames and smoke, and sat down at a table. His last words were "It's
      a bit warm today, I think I'll have an iced coffee instead of my


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Fernando knows that the many things come in pairs: the mens and
      womens, the sweet and the sour, the light and the dark. Spooners,
      this month the stars have spoken, and you are paired with the
      Staffies. For you, this is the month for infamy to their fame.
      Fernando does not like to speak of these things, but he must, for
      the stars will not be denied. Perhaps you will be infamous for being
      the terrible murderer, like Jock the Mincer, or like the amok former
      History Monk "Third Eye" Wu. Perhaps you will be caught on
      iconograph in the course of a naughty act with Genua Hilty, the
      notorious coaching-inn heiress, and have your image splashed across
      the pages of Bu-Bubble. Try not to feel the enviousness towards the
      much more fortunato Staffies, for someday the Turtle will turn and
      then you can sneer at their misfortunes.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, it is said that the Lady only gives the fixed amount of
      luck in the Disc, and so for every piece of good fortune, somebody
      must suffer the equivalente piece of bad fortune. If this is so,
      then you should thank any Boring'uns you know (for Fernando knows
      that you must never, ever thank the Lady for the good fortune), for
      this month the stars say you will be having the good luck to their
      bad. Now is the time to buy the lottery tickets, bet your shirt on
      the dice, and press your luck with the ladies. Fernando is reminded
      of his uncle Giovanni (the shoemaker, on Fernando's sainted mamma's
      side of the family, not the other one) who once had the most
      remarkable good luck. For nearly three weeks, every time he left the
      house somebody would drop a flower pot out of a window, missing him
      by inches. Eventually though, the City Watch caught Lupo the Mad
      Flower Pot Murderer and took him away.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      The small childrens of Brindisi sometimes tease their friends by
      singing this piccolo nursery rhyme to them:

      Harry and Sally sitting in a tree;
      First comes love,
      then comes marriage,
      then comes the baby in the golden carriage!

      only of course they sing it in the Brindisian, which is molto more
      beautiful on the ears, but Fernando has translated it because he
      knows that the Morporkians are not so good with the foreign
      languages, unlike Fernando whose Morporkian is the flawless. But in
      the real life love and marriage and bambino do not always follow in
      this order, or even at all. (Just ask the mammas of cousin Joseph's
      bambinos about the marriage. Or perhaps you should not, unless you
      like to be yelled at.) And so it is for the Gazundians this month,
      for the stars say that this is a good time for marriage, love being
      entirely optional. Fernando understands that there are the molto
      reasons for the marriage, apart from the love and bambinos. For the
      kings and queens, there is the making of alliances. For the rich and
      powerful, there is the cementing of businesses and consolidating of
      power. For those who prefer the company of their own sex, there is
      the camouflage and the avoiding of unpleasantness when visiting your
      family. Even for the common folk, the marriage arrangement is like
      the business alliance, with the division of labour and the tax
      deductions. So do not be concerned my friends, for there are the
      many good reasons for marriage, and if you are lucky, love or at
      least affection will follow later.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, it is said that the more things change, the more they
      stay the same. If this is true, then Fernando knows that means
      that the more things stay the same, the more they change. Trust
      Fernando on this, for he has studied the philosophy of the Ephebian
      greats and knows what he is talking about. This month, you can
      expect the many things to change. Perhaps you will get a new job, or
      the new lover in your life, or simply change your hairstyle.
      Fernando knows that back in Brindisi, moustaches are in fashion
      again. And for the mens, the beard is popular again, especially the
      style like the Ankh-Morpork Patrician wears. (Even though Fernando
      can grow the most handsome beard, he owes it to the people to shave
      his face so all can gaze upon his most wonderful manly chin.) This
      is a month for change, so do not be afeared to experiment. Now is
      the time to try that new Klatchian take-away around the corner, or
      get that tattoo you have always wanted, or to tell your boss what to
      do with his job.


      25) CLOSE

      That brings the April issue to a close. See you next month, same
      time, same place. Or maybe not, since regular WOSSNAME editor Annie
      Mac might be here instead.

      Remember, next month Going Postal finally hits our screens. More
      news as it happens.

      -- Steven D'Aprano, your Acting Editor


      End of Part 4.
      If you did not get all four parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2010 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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