WOSSNAME -- April 2010 -- Part 4 of 4
- WOSSNAME -- APRIL 2010 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)
====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED, AND CLOSE
24) HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED AUG > MAR
24) HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED
The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept
Snippies, this month the stars say that you will come into money.
The ways of the stars are mysterious, even to Fernando, but they are
very clear about this, trust Fernando on this, although they have
not said how much. Perhaps that dear Muntabian widow woman Mrs
Maria-Theresa Slug will finally send the money she has promised. Or
perhaps you will find a shilling in the gutter just when you need it
most. As Fernando's grandmama Angelina always says, "it doesn't
matter whether you are rich or poor, so long as you have money".
Just make sure you don't let the Revenoo find out.
The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct
Fernando knows that there are the two sorts of luck in the world.
There is the luck you have when the chamberpot is emptied in the
street just *after* you have passed by. And there is the other sort.
My Boring'un friends, the stars have said that this month you will
be having the other sort. For the next four weeks, you can expect to
have the bad luck: stepping in the dog doings, losing your wallet,
accidentally knocking over a drink belonging to somebody called
Slasher, and having Mrs Cake join your church. Fernando feels your
pain, but do not worry my friends, for the stars tell Fernando that
next month you will look back fondly at this one!
Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov
It is said that travel broadens the mind, which is why Fernando left
Brindisi and has spent many years travelling around the Disc. But
there is the other sort of travel, the travel that does not broaden
but in fact narrows the mind: the boring, soul-destroying travel
back and forth until you dig yourself a rut you can never escape
from. My friends, the stars say that this month you will travel, but
they do not say whether it will be you on a paddleship down the
Vieux River, or just you trudging down to the same pub every day at
exactly the same time for the same four pints of lager with the same
friends. (Not literally the same pints, you understand, although
Fernando has heard all the jokes about the recycled Morporkian
beers. But knowing about the certain class of Morporkian publican,
Fernando is not *completely* sure they are only the jokes.) Fernando
knows very well the comfort of having the routine, but do not be
like Fernando's old uncle Umberto who went to the same cafe each day
for a game of cards. One day the cafe caught fire, and he pushed his
way past the on-lookers and bucket-brigade, walked straight into the
flames and smoke, and sat down at a table. His last words were "It's
a bit warm today, I think I'll have an iced coffee instead of my
The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec
Fernando knows that the many things come in pairs: the mens and
womens, the sweet and the sour, the light and the dark. Spooners,
this month the stars have spoken, and you are paired with the
Staffies. For you, this is the month for infamy to their fame.
Fernando does not like to speak of these things, but he must, for
the stars will not be denied. Perhaps you will be infamous for being
the terrible murderer, like Jock the Mincer, or like the amok former
History Monk "Third Eye" Wu. Perhaps you will be caught on
iconograph in the course of a naughty act with Genua Hilty, the
notorious coaching-inn heiress, and have your image splashed across
the pages of Bu-Bubble. Try not to feel the enviousness towards the
much more fortunato Staffies, for someday the Turtle will turn and
then you can sneer at their misfortunes.
Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan
Hokians, it is said that the Lady only gives the fixed amount of
luck in the Disc, and so for every piece of good fortune, somebody
must suffer the equivalente piece of bad fortune. If this is so,
then you should thank any Boring'uns you know (for Fernando knows
that you must never, ever thank the Lady for the good fortune), for
this month the stars say you will be having the good luck to their
bad. Now is the time to buy the lottery tickets, bet your shirt on
the dice, and press your luck with the ladies. Fernando is reminded
of his uncle Giovanni (the shoemaker, on Fernando's sainted mamma's
side of the family, not the other one) who once had the most
remarkable good luck. For nearly three weeks, every time he left the
house somebody would drop a flower pot out of a window, missing him
by inches. Eventually though, the City Watch caught Lupo the Mad
Flower Pot Murderer and took him away.
The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb
The small childrens of Brindisi sometimes tease their friends by
singing this piccolo nursery rhyme to them:
Harry and Sally sitting in a tree;
First comes love,
then comes marriage,
then comes the baby in the golden carriage!
only of course they sing it in the Brindisian, which is molto more
beautiful on the ears, but Fernando has translated it because he
knows that the Morporkians are not so good with the foreign
languages, unlike Fernando whose Morporkian is the flawless. But in
the real life love and marriage and bambino do not always follow in
this order, or even at all. (Just ask the mammas of cousin Joseph's
bambinos about the marriage. Or perhaps you should not, unless you
like to be yelled at.) And so it is for the Gazundians this month,
for the stars say that this is a good time for marriage, love being
entirely optional. Fernando understands that there are the molto
reasons for the marriage, apart from the love and bambinos. For the
kings and queens, there is the making of alliances. For the rich and
powerful, there is the cementing of businesses and consolidating of
power. For those who prefer the company of their own sex, there is
the camouflage and the avoiding of unpleasantness when visiting your
family. Even for the common folk, the marriage arrangement is like
the business alliance, with the division of labour and the tax
deductions. So do not be concerned my friends, for there are the
many good reasons for marriage, and if you are lucky, love or at
least affection will follow later.
Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar
Umbragians, it is said that the more things change, the more they
stay the same. If this is true, then Fernando knows that means
that the more things stay the same, the more they change. Trust
Fernando on this, for he has studied the philosophy of the Ephebian
greats and knows what he is talking about. This month, you can
expect the many things to change. Perhaps you will get a new job, or
the new lover in your life, or simply change your hairstyle.
Fernando knows that back in Brindisi, moustaches are in fashion
again. And for the mens, the beard is popular again, especially the
style like the Ankh-Morpork Patrician wears. (Even though Fernando
can grow the most handsome beard, he owes it to the people to shave
his face so all can gaze upon his most wonderful manly chin.) This
is a month for change, so do not be afeared to experiment. Now is
the time to try that new Klatchian take-away around the corner, or
get that tattoo you have always wanted, or to tell your boss what to
do with his job.
That brings the April issue to a close. See you next month, same
time, same place. Or maybe not, since regular WOSSNAME editor Annie
Mac might be here instead.
Remember, next month Going Postal finally hits our screens. More
news as it happens.
-- Steven D'Aprano, your Acting Editor
End of Part 4.
If you did not get all four parts, write: interact@...
Copyright (c) 2010 by Klatchian Foreign Legion