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WOSSNAME -- March 2010 -- Part 4 of 4

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  • granny_tude
    WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2010 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 4 -- HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED, AND CLOSE 24)
    Message 1 of 1 , Mar 28, 2010
      WOSSNAME -- MARCH 2010 -- PART 4 OF 4 (continued)


      25) CLOSE



      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Snippies are well known for being honest, trusting and kind. It is a
      strange thing, but many peoples are attracted to books about people
      who are their complete opposite, and so it is with Snippies, for the
      stars have said that your book is "Morporkian Bottler". This is the
      story of Clovis Pickles, a Morporkian banker by day who roams the
      backstreets of the Shades by night, murdering ladies of negotiable
      affection in the most gruesome fashion, eating dwarfs, and
      terrorising the elderly. Fernando knows that this book has been
      banned by five cities and innumerable villages across the Sto
      Plains. It is banned for sale in Ankh-Morpork by order of the
      Patrician himself, although Fernando knows that due to a statute
      dating from the time of Alberto Malich, the book remains available
      to be read by gentlemen of good character under the supervision of
      the UU Librarian. For those who aren't gentlemen of good character,
      Fernando knows a man who knows a dwarf who knows a printer in Sto
      Kerrig who sells copies at very reasonable prices. Reasonable for
      the printer, that is, not the reader.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Many Boring'uns are well known for their, how do you say it,
      pedantic and obsessive attention to the detail. Fernando does not
      judge, it takes all sorts of people to make a Disc, and sometimes
      such a person is exactly what is needed. When Fernando was young and
      irresponsible, he, shall we say, distracted the mayor's daughter
      Francesca while she was picking wild mushrooms for the Soul Duck
      Tuesday feast. It was very sad, half the village thought they had
      been turned into rabbits and the other half spent the night
      clutching trees and begging them not to fly away. It took months
      before Fernando's Auntie Rosa-Marie could look at Uncle Salvatore
      without turning bright red. Such a thing would never have happened
      if Francesca were a Boring'un! (Fernando once witnessed with his
      very own eyes a Boring'un naturalist catalogue fleas one-handed
      while clinging with his other hand to the back of a furious wild
      boar. His monograph "On The Eighty-Seven Species Of Flea Found On
      The Greater Kythian Swine" was awarded the silver medal at the
      Naturalist's Guild in the Year of the Purple Toad.) For such
      Boring'uns, the stars have said that your book is all seventeen
      volumes of the Encyclopaedia Morporkia, which will give you many,
      many hours of entertainment writing to the editors correcting their
      errors. But Fernando warns that you should get the expurgated
      version: the one without the gannet. Fernando does not approve of
      the gannet, for it wets its nest.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Andies, Fernando has the bad news, for the stars have said that your
      book is "Phyle", by T.R.C. Prettyheart. Fernando does not understand
      why Mr Prettyheart is famous, or perhaps infamous would be better,
      for his silly stories of no particular skill or imagination.
      Fernando does not judge, but he will make an exception here: those
      few readers of Prettyheart are lacking in good taste, good sense, or
      both. "Phyle" is, even for Prettyheart, a terrible book: it has
      parrots, pigs, ghost girls, cannibals, half-naked savages (Fernando
      approves of this one), and invisible old men who TALK LIKE THIS. But
      do not be afeared, my friends, for it is not true that this book has
      no redeeming merit. Fernando knows that it is printed on very thin,
      soft paper.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, the stars have told Fernando that your book is the travel
      book "Here and There Again" by Billy-Bob Buboes. Fernando knows this
      book very well, for it has been translated to Brindisian and for the
      many years a certain class of person would call their pet dog
      "Frogo" after a character in the book. "Here and There Again" tells
      of Buboes' journeys through the Forest of Skund, his adventures in
      elf-infested forests, and the travels through deep goblin-mines, as
      he tried to return a ring to his uncle before he was written out of
      the will.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians are known for their sense of humour, and Fernando knows that
      sometimes this is not for the soft-hearted. Who has not laughed and
      laughed to watch the fat man slip on the bananananana peel and fall
      over onto a small dog? One of the yappy ones. Fernando knows that
      sometimes the classic japes are the best. Fernando has the good news
      for you, for the stars have said that your book is Harry "Flashy"
      Fraser's autobiography of his student days at UU during a more
      robust time, before the current Archchancellor. His pranks and jokes
      on younger, smaller students will bring a smile to the face of many
      Hokians. Fernando has read of the time he turned Frank Khaki into a
      giant cockroach. He also turned Arthur Piddleton into a giant
      beetle, and Robby Weasel into a giant butterfly. Oh how the senior
      boys laughed! Flashy's book was published posthumously from notes in
      his diary, after he turned Eric Brown into a giant wasp.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Gazundians, your book is "The Tunnel Of Rodents", a historical novel
      of Ancient Agatea. It is the story of Master Lai, a wizard with a
      slight flaw in his character, a peasant called Yak, the overthrow of
      the wicked Duke of Ja'aw, the murder of a dancing girl, and a
      goddess trapped on the Disc and unable to return to Cori Celesti.
      Fernando knows that this is a wonderful adventure story, but even
      more wonderfully, every word is true! Trust Fernando on this, for he
      was told this by a small smiling wrinkly wise man in a yellow robe,
      and they are known for their uncommon wisdom.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, your book is "A Field Guide To Natives Of The Shades",
      by Sir Ragnald Hosepipe III. If you have ever wondered about the
      divers thieves, bandits, mountebanks, picaroons, swindlers,
      marauders, rogues, cutpurses and filchers who live in the Shades,
      but have too much sense to go walking there yourself, then this book
      will be of great interest. Fernando knows that Sir Ragnald spent
      many years walking through the Shades, armed only with a notepad and
      pencil, boundless confidence that bad things happen to other people,
      and a small army of troll body guards. Sir Ragnald and his trolls
      finally met an untimely end while working on his second book, which
      was to be a guide to the desert tribes of Klatch.


      25) CLOSE

      That brings the March issue to a close. See you next month, same
      time, same place. Regular WOSSNAME editor Annie Mac will be back
      soon, or so she claims. May the Soul Cake Duck bring you happiness,
      or at least a basket of duck eggs.

      -- Steven D'Aprano, your Acting Editor


      End of Part 4.
      If you did not get all four parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2010 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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