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WOSSNAME -- February 2010 -- Part 5 of 5

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  • granny_tude
    WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2010 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 5 -- HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED, AND CLOSE 24)
    Message 1 of 1 , Feb 25, 2010
      WOSSNAME -- FEBRUARY 2010 -- PART 5 OF 5 (continued)


      25) CLOSE



      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Hernians, the stars tell Fernando that your food is the chocolate.
      But not the cheap kind, made with the floor sweepings and tallow
      like you get at Dibbler's Sweet Emporium ("93% rat-dropping free"),
      but the molto expensive kind like the ones made by Wienrich and
      Boettcher on Zephire Street, made from actual cocoa and no sawdust
      at all. Like these chocolates, Hernians have the good taste, which
      is perhaps why Herne is the god of small things destined to be
      eaten. Just as you would not wish to live on nothing but chocolate,
      so a little Hernian goes a long way. You are best suited as the
      small treat at the end of the meal, and good with any sign at all.


      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Fernando knows that the Staffies are red-blooded people, with the
      large appetites. Staffies, your food is the red meat: simple, solid
      food, for uncomplicated, solid people. Whenever you are brought to
      the table, you are the centre of attention, but sometimes you can be
      tough and chewy to deal with, but pounding with the heavy mallet can
      often made all the difference. Beware though that too much of the
      red meat can make the bottom burps which clear out a room in
      seconds, rather like an angry Staffie in full eruption or Fernando's
      cousin Ramon. You are best suited for Sandies and, surprisingly,
      Boring'uns. Fernando does not understand this, but the stars never


      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Fernando is very adventurous and is always very keen to try the new
      experiences, so when Fernando first came to Ankh-Morpork and a
      Morporkian native asked "do you want a knuckle sandwich, pal",
      Fernando said yes. This is a mistake you only make once, trust me on
      this for it is so. But Fernando has since learned that the knuckle
      sandwich is also a food, made from the bread and pigs knuckles. How
      many amusing jokes this must lead to! Bilians, when you have not
      been drinking, you are like the knuckle sandwich: straightforward,
      down-home and comfortable, very like what they call "tucker" in
      Fourecks or what we call in Brindisi "peasant food" (only we say it
      in Brindisian, where it is the much more bellissima). But when you
      have been hitting the vino or, may the Gods protect us all but
      especially your stomach, the scumble, you are more like the *other*
      knuckle sandwich. Bilians, you go best with a glass of ale, or
      perhaps the Gazundians.


      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      My friends, you might think that the parsnip is the food of those
      born under the sign of the Celestial Parsnip, but this is not so!
      Snippies are the favoured sign of the Fools, clowns and jesters, at
      least until Great A'Tuin swings around again, and the foods you are
      most like are the custard tarts and cream pies: you are sweet and
      rich, often found on people's heads or down their trousers, but you
      wouldn't be the centre of the meal (except perhaps for the birthday
      parties for the small childrens). When you are not joking around you
      are best taken with coffee or tea, and you are best suited for
      Gazundians and sometimes the Hokians.


      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      My friends, Fernando had a lot of trouble casting the horoscope for
      this sign, for Great A'Tuin's flipper obscured the necessary stars
      for nearly eight days. Fernando was afeared that he would have to
      admit defeat, for unlike some other astrologers Fernando would never
      stoop to *making things up* when the stars cannot be seen. But at
      the last minute, Great A'Tuin twitched (you may have felt the Disc
      move) and Fernando could make his horoscope! Boring'uns, the stars
      say that you are like the lettuce: plain and boring, without the
      exciting flavour of cabbage or the potatoes with their many
      interesting ways of preparation. But this is molto bene, because not
      everyone can be like the exciting chilli peppers or the strong
      Lancre Blue cheese, and Fernando knows that sometimes a nice, quiet
      salad is refreshing. You are best suited for other Boring'uns, but
      also to Staffies and Andies, much to everyone's surprise. Especially
      other Boring'uns.


      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      My cara Andies, you are known for taking your pleasure where you
      find it and for being easily impressed, so you will not be surprised
      when I tell you that the stars say you are most like the cucumbers.
      For many people the cucumber is a confusing vegetable because
      cucumbers are thought to be a strange and worrying delicacy found
      only in the fiercely guarded harems of Klatchian kings or Agatean
      emperors, but Fernando can assure you that they are also found in
      the gardens of the commonest farmers and go well with any sort of
      meal. You are also like the carrots and the parsnips, which are very
      robust, pointed at one end, and suitable for many sorts of creative
      uses. Andies, you are most suited to the Munchers.


      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, the stars tell Fernando that you are most like the
      banananananas and other fishies, particularly served in the Agatean
      fashion, raw, or as they call it, squishi. The fishies are good for
      the brain, and the fishy oil is good for making sure you are regular
      and completely clean on the inside, if you know my meaning.
      (Although it is Fernando's duty to warn his readers that CMOT
      Dibbler's Finest Cod Liver Oil is *espeziale* fishy. Fernando is
      sure the cod liver oil should not be blue.) Banananananas especially
      are the molto versatile fishy, useful in cake, roasted, boiled,
      sliced on porridge, or just eaten on their own. Fernando knows that
      the Creator is the very kind, for the bananananana is perfectly
      shaped for the hand, it comes in its own protective packaging, and
      the skin makes for hours of entertainment for the childrens when
      left on the busy street where people are walking. Spooners, you are
      best suited for cream, lemon, Umbragians and Gazundians.


      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Hokians, you are most like the boiled sweeties: sweet and sticky,
      you bring much pleasure to the small childrens and those giving up
      the smoking tobacco, but like the boiled sweeties, too much of you
      can be hard to cope with. Fernando knows that this is true for all
      people who are not as magnificent as Fernando, but the Hokians
      especially have to be careful that you do not "wear out your
      welcome", as they say. Fernando does not judge, for you cannot be
      blamed for not being Fernando. Just as too much of the sweeties is
      bad for the teeth, and will make the small childrens sticky and
      rather unpleasant, Hokians too can sometimes be too sweet. You are
      best suited for Andies, who Fernando is very pleased to have
      learned, like it sticky.


      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      When Fernando was a boy, he remembers an Omnian preacher who came to
      Fernando's village. Before he was tied to the back of a donkey and
      chased out of the village, the preacher told Fernando the story of
      the first two people on the Disc. As Fernando remembers it, Om
      created Adamo and Evelyn from the mud, then teased them by dangling
      the fruit of the Forbidden Tree just in front of them. When Adamo
      and Evelyn took the fruit, Om threw them out of his garden and made
      them eat snakes. Fernando tells you this story because it is said by
      many that the forbidden fruit was the apple, while it is said by
      others that it was the fig, and while the stars are silent on which
      it was, they do tell Fernando that Gazundians are most like the figs
      and apples! (There are also those who said the story is a mettyfor
      for the child growing up to be an adult and learning about the
      making love, but they were all killed by the other two groups.)

      Gazundians, like the apple, are solid and reliable, good for the
      sauce or just as they are. And like the fig, Gazundians can be molto
      surprising, for Fernando has learned that the fig is not a fruit at
      all, but a ball of many tiny little flowers, turned inside-out so
      the flowers are on the inside. There is a tiny little wasp, too
      small to see, that crawls inside the fig and makes love to the
      flowers inside, or so the wizards have told Fernando. (Fernando
      thinks that they need to get out more and perhaps meet the nice
      ladies occasionally, because they are getting obsessed with the
      animals making the love. Fernando has had enough of that with his
      cousin Enrique.) But whatever the fig is, the stars say that
      Gazundians are best suited for Snippies and Hoggers.


      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, you are most alike the goose liver pate: you are
      extravagant, with a rich personality, somewhat greasy, favoured by
      the wealthy and the accursed Quirmians (may their cheating
      footsballers be eaten by bears) and, Fernando is sad to say,
      somewhat cruel to animals. Or at least geese. (Do you think the
      goose likes to be stuck in a tiny cage and have food rammed down its
      throat until it is bursting? Fernando does not think so.) Like the
      pate, Umbragians are wonderful in the small quantities, but too much
      is bad for your digestion and will make your hair fall out, like
      Fernando's Uncle Sebastian. Umbragians, you get on best with the
      small dry biscuits and Spooners.


      25) CLOSE

      That brings the February issue to a close. See you next month, same
      time, same place. Regular WOSSNAME editor Annie Mac will be back
      soon. I hope so, because this is too much like work!

      -- A.E. (not Pessimal)


      End of Part 5.
      If you did not get all five parts, write: interact@...
      Copyright (c) 2010 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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