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WOSSNAME -- January 2010 -- Part 3 of 3

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  • granny_tude
    WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2010 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 -- HOROSCOPE AND CLOSE 23) YOUR MONTHLY
    Message 1 of 1 , Jan 26, 2010
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      WOSSNAME -- JANUARY 2010 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 3 -- HOROSCOPE AND CLOSE

      23) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE (JULY-MARCH)
      24) CLOSE

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      23) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE, CONTINUED

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Fernando knows that Bilians are no strangers to the effects of too
      much alcohol, including but not limited to the throwing up, or
      "chunder" as they say in Fourecks, where they have turned it into a
      national pastime. The next time you have over-indulged in a fine
      Fourecksian table wine like Chateau de Plonk or Riddgydidge Red
      ("guaranteed well-sieved!" as it says on the bottle), remember that
      the stars have spoken: with a little training and dedication, you
      could be a competition chunderer in Fourecks.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Fernando knows that some unkind peoples accuse Fourecks of not
      having any original foods. This is not true, and the stars say that
      Snippies are the most closely associated with one of them. Everyone
      knows that Fourecks is famous for its meat pies, but another famous
      Fourecksian food is the Beefo Roll. Made from mutton, carrots,
      celery, barley, herbs and spices, in a thick pastry roll and then
      deep fried in mutton fat, the Beefo roll can be found any time
      hungry Fourecksians have a beer in their other hand. My friends, if
      you are wondering why the Beefo roll is made from mutton rather than
      beef, Fernando wonders the same thing. Perhaps it started off like
      Uncle Enzo's truffle-and-pork salami, which started off as one pig,
      one truffle, and each year the truffle got smaller and smaller until
      it was completely gone. But it is still Uncle Enzo's famous truffle-
      and-pork salami.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Fourecksians will tell you that there is nothing boring about XXXX,
      but Fernando knows that this is not true. With the help of the
      stars, Fernando has learned what Boring'uns are associated with: the
      third day of a Grasshopper test match, after the shine has worn off
      the ball but before the streakers start dashing across the field.
      The sun is shining, the weather is warm, with just the faintest
      breeze giving assistance to the left-arm spinners, but not enough to
      make the batters work hard, and Fernando knows that under these
      conditions a good batter can keep the game from being the slightest
      bit interesting for anything up to four hours.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Fernando is the very open-minded, and so he is very understanding
      that Andies often have the male aspect and the female aspect to
      their lives. Of course, all people have their two sides, but for
      Andies this is often much more so than for others. Those who do not
      know Fourecks very well would perhaps think that it would be the
      inhospitable place for such Andies who have the, how do you say it,
      flexible attitude towards the gender roles. Fourecks is the place
      where the men are men and the women are bloody sheilas, as they say.
      But listen carefully, my friends, for Fernando knows that even in
      Fourecks things are not always so simple. The stars agree, for they
      say that Andies are most associated with the famous "Petunia the
      Desert Princess". If you can punch like a bloke and look good in a
      dress like a sheila, you will fit right in.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Spooners, the stars say you are most associated with the most famous
      Fourecksian animal, the giant bouncing rat or kangaroo. The kangaroo
      is the very wonderful beast, up to the size of a large man, and is
      most well known for its uniquemente way of moving by bouncing at
      high- speed. But Fernando knows that the kangaroo is also the very
      intelligent animal, and they are very well known for rescuing the
      small boys who have fallen down the wells or become trapped in the
      caves. They also make excellente eating. The kangaroos, not the
      small boys. Fernando would never recommend eating the bambinos.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Fourecksians have a robust sense of humour, usually involving the
      sort of language that Fernando will not repeat, partly because he is
      a gentlemans, but mostly because if Aunt Maria ever finds out
      Fernando knows those words she will hit him with her broom. Fernando
      knows that they have no Fools' Guild in XXXX, anyone is free to tell
      the jokes and be hit in the face with a meat pie or have a pint of
      beer poured down their trousers, and so Fourecks is famous for her
      jokers and comic minstrels. Fernando knows that one or two of them
      are even famous for being funny. Hokians, the stars say that you are
      most associated with Bazza Hoges, who made a career out of telling
      jokes and setting fire to prawns.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Gazundians, the stars have told Fernando that you are most like the
      Fourecksian bush: a bit dry and dusty, unusual to Morporkian eyes,
      but with the bellissima harsh beauty that people learn to love. My
      friends, you are probably making the same mistake that Fernando
      first made. (Yes, it is true, as magnificent as Fernando is,
      sometimes he makes the mistakes. The small ones.) You are probably
      wondering if Fourecks has one bush, perhaps it is near the black
      stump they talk about. But do not be fooled, my friends, for "the
      bush" does not mean a lone bush. It is like "the forest", only with
      less green and more dangerous snakes.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Umbragians, the stars say you are associated with the man that
      Fourecksians will tell you is the best footsballer in the best
      footsball game of all, XXXXian Footy. Fernando is not one to make
      fun of the afflicted, but how anyone can compare such a game with
      the real footsball is a mystery even the stars cannot answer. What
      sort of game hits the ball with the hand instead of the head?
      Greatest sport or not, the stars say you are associated with the
      famous Eddie "Trasha" Junkers, who once turned up to a game so drunk
      he couldn't remember his name and still managed to kick 75 goals: 45
      for his team and 30 for the opposition.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      24) CLOSE

      That brings the January issue to a close. See you next month, same
      time, same place.

      -- A.E. (not Pessimal)

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