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WOSSNAME -- December 2009 -- Part 3 of 3

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  • granny_tude
    WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2009 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued) ... oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo ====Part 3 -- HOROSCOPE AND CLOSE 23) YOUR
    Message 1 of 1 , Dec 30, 2009
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      WOSSNAME -- DECEMBER 2009 -- PART 3 OF 3 (continued)
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      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      ====Part 3 -- HOROSCOPE AND CLOSE

      23) YOUR MONTHLY DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE
      24) CLOSE

      oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

      23) THE NEW DISCWORLD HOROSCOPE

      by Fernando Magnifico

      Buongiorno and thank you for all your letters and c-mails of support
      while Fernando did his time in the stocks. Do not be afeared my
      friends, for after visiting the local Igor to get his back adjusted,
      Fernando is now better than ever after the experience, and his
      membership of the Prognosticators Guild is renewed. Since the Lady
      Asterisk is indisposed following an accident with a pound of butter
      and a bag of turnips, Fernando can be your astrologer for today
      without having to explain himself to the Patrician!

      My friends, it is that time of the year again: Hogswatch is upon us,
      and those who have been good peoples can expect the Hogfather to
      fill their stockings with presents, and the bad peoples can expect
      the bag of bloody bones. Fernando expects that there will be a lot
      of bones in Quirm this week! (Ha ha, Fernando is making the little
      joke, not all Quirmians are the bad peoples. It is only their
      cheating footsballers, and their stinking referees, and their
      stupido supporters, who give the rest a bad reputation.) Many people
      have said to Fernando, "Fernando, you have such magnificent good
      taste, what presents should I buy for my friends and family?". Of
      course Fernando does not like to brag, but he does have the
      magnificent taste in all things, so listen very carefully, and
      between Fernando's taste and the wisdom of the stars your Hogswatch
      buying decisions will be easy.

      Ciao bella, and happy Hogswatch to all!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Adamant Hedgehog 21 Mar - 20 Apr

      Gifts to buy for Hoggers: jewellery, pets
      Gifts to avoid: dragons

      The best gift for the Hoggers this Hogswatch is jewellery, although
      Fernando knows that jewellery is always the excellent gift for all!
      Fernando suggests that gold medallions on chains are best for the
      mans, the bigger the better. For those on a tight budget, Fernando
      can recommend the artisanos on the Street of Cunning Artificers,
      who have the most cunning goldish-plating which is almost
      indistinguishable from the real thing except in full sunlight, or
      when wet, or if you polish it too much, or too little. For the
      womens, Fernando knows that the necklaces of pearls are very popular
      in Morpork this season, while the ladies of Ankh prefer the sapphire
      brooches.

      Pets are also the good gift, especially the No Thingfjord Red
      parrots, which can be trained to talk. For the small childrens,
      kittens and puppies are always popular, especially in the Shades
      where they don't get a lot of meat. But Fernando knows that the
      Swamp Dragon is to be avoided -- they are so cute when newly
      hatched, but when they get large enough to set fire to the kitchen
      or eat a week's supply of coal in one day, you will be sorry! Trust
      Fernando on this for he knows that this is so!

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Half-Eaten Sandwich 21 Apr - 21 May

      Gifts to buy for Munchers: food
      Gifts to avoid: Wow-Wow sauce

      A gift of food is always welcome, especially if it is a big jar of
      pickled onions, a ham, or a few tins of preserved peaches. Fernando
      is reminded of the wonderful salamis his Uncle Enzo gives away each
      year. (Except for his experiment last year -- the melon and pork
      salami sounded like such a good idea too.) Pickles and sauces of all
      types and flavours are welcome, except for the wow-wow sauce unless
      the recipient has special training in handling hazardous materials.
      Munchers, if some thoughtless person does not heed Fernando's most
      excellente advise and gives you the jar of wow-wow sauce, the
      experts at Unseen University will be more than happy to come and
      dispose of it safely, especially if you have the cold pork pie or
      roast goose.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Herne the Hunted 22 May - 21 Jun

      Gifts to buy for Hernians: Gooseberries, forest herbs, garden-inna-
      pot kits
      Gifts to avoid: anything to do with huntin', shootin', or fishin'

      We have reached the end of the Year of the Pensive Hare, and it
      seems to many people that life is getting more difficult every year.
      Fernando's grandfather is like that -- he is always complaining that
      people today have no respect for their elders. Of course, Fernando
      knows that when grandpappa was a young man, he evicted his own
      mother from her home so he could the winters are colder and the
      summers hotter, than the revenoo are more grasping. Of course,
      Fernando knows that those people who say such things and Hernians
      are always looking for the edge that gives them an advantage in
      life, or in some cases, a running start on a postvital existence.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Wizard's Staff and Knob 22 Jun - 22 Jul

      Gifts to buy for Staffies: books
      Gifts to avoid: books

      The best, and worst, gift for the Staffie is a book. As Fernando
      knows, books are famous for giving people new ideas, and Staffies
      have the very (how do you say it?) ambivalent attitude to the new
      ideas. Staffies, especially those who are the actual wizards, have a
      great deal of respect for book learning, so long as what they learn
      is that they were right all along and they aren't troubled by
      learning anything new. So Fernando suggests you choose your books
      very carefully indeed before buying for the Staffie. Or if that
      seems too difficult, a nice bottle of sherry will do.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Bilious, God of Hangovers 23 Jul - 23 Aug

      Gifts to buy for Bilians: wine, beer, spirits
      Gifts to avoid: salted pork, greasy meat pies, anything requiring
      fine hand-eye coordination

      Bilians are the easiest to buy for: anything with alcohol in it will
      give many minutes of pleasure (and many more hours of discomfort) to
      the Bilian. Fernando knows that this year is a good year for the
      Brindisian vino, much better than the rubbish you get from Quirm,
      and half the price too. Fernando has a cousin who can get you the
      best quality red vino for wholesale prices. Or if you prefer, he
      will sell you the bottle of the cheapest plonk, two gallons for a
      penny. For an extra penny, he will put it in the fancy bottle with a
      gold label. This makes a perfect gift for your unpleasant brother-
      in-law who fancies himself the wine snob but actually can't tell the
      difference between cat's water and best wine.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Celestial Parsnip 24 Aug - 23 Sept

      Gifts to buy for Snippies: fine art, especially those prints of
      Caravati's Three Large Pink Women and One Piece of Gauze
      Gifts to avoid: iconographs

      Fernando knows that Snippies are famous for their honesty, so a good
      gift for a Snippie is a bijou piece of genuine art. Not one of those
      forgeries that come from Quirm. Fernando remembers a time, oh cara
      mia it is almost too painful to tell, when he bought a genuine
      Mauvaise etching only to discover, when applying for the inn-sewer-
      ants, that it was a knock-off by the infamous Quirmian forger
      Etienne de Louche. On second thought, Fernando thinks you would be
      better off to give one of those paintings of the big-eyed childrens
      on velvet.

      The stars warn that it is best to avoid giving the iconograph as a
      gift to Snippies, especially if they are like Fernando's cousin
      Tomas. It is molto difficult enough for Tomas to avoid getting in
      trouble with the Watch for the looking in the ladies' windows at
      night, without more temptation, if you take my meaning.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Small Boring Group of Faint Stars 24 Sept - 23 Oct

      Gifts to buy for Boring'uns: potatoes, cabbage, paperclips, paper
      napkins
      Gifts to avoid: anything the least bit exciting

      Good gifts for the Boring'uns include potatoes, fresh cabbages (but
      not pickled -- they are much too strong for Boring'un tastes), or
      paperclips and other small stationery supplies. Paper napkins are
      also acceptable so long as they don't have anything too exciting
      printed on them, like hunting scenes, dogs and cats, or the
      Hogfather. Pictures of flying ducks are probably safe, so long as
      they are flying *away*.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Androgyna Majestis 24 Oct - 22 Nov

      Gifts to buy for Andies: shoes, clothes, sparkly dresses
      Gifts to avoid: house plants

      As everyone knows, Andies do not have the "green thumb" as they say
      in Morporkian, and so house plants are best avoided. Shoes, on the
      other foot (ha ha, Fernando has made the amusing joke) are the
      excellente gift for Andies, so let Fernando tell you that the six-
      inch stiletto heel (for the ladies) or the eight-inch platform sole
      (for the mans) will never be out of fashion. My friends, Fernando
      knows what you are thinking: "Clothes? Giving clothes as gifts is so
      boring!" But do not be afeared, for the stars do not lie, and with
      Fernando's help your gifts will be the wonder of Hogswatch, and not
      at all like the beige cardigans that Fernando is given by his
      grandmama Angelina every year. Three words, cara mia, and your gift
      will be talked about until next Hogswatch: Leopard. Skin. Prints. Or
      if you prefer, Fernando knows that spangly off-the-shoulder dresses
      are a popular gift for Andies of all sexes. Just remember, my
      friends: you can never have too many sequins.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Spoons, a.k.a. the Greater and Lesser Spoons, 23 Nov - 21 Dec

      Gifts to buy for Spooners: scented candles, perfume
      Gifts to avoid: cutlery, especially spoons

      The stars are very certain that the scented candles and perfume will
      make the good gifts for Spooners, especially for those who live near
      the parts of town with the more ... robust ... smells: near the
      river, the tanneries, the meat district, and to be honest, just
      about everywhere within the city walls. Fernando knows that the best
      scents are the subtle ones, like patchouli, jasmine, wahoonie
      essence, and the Brindisian garlic-rose. But do not be like
      Fernando's Uncle Alfonso, who uses Old Scallatine aftershave. You
      can smell him coming three miles away upwind.

      Fernando is amazed at how many people, even otherwise blameless
      people, who get it in their heads to buy cutlery for Spooners. My
      friends, you should listen carefully, for the stars have spoken:
      there is nothing amusing about presenting a dozen spoons to a
      Spooner at Hogswatch and making a witty remark. That's the sort of
      thing that gets you bloody bones in your stockings next Hogswatch.
      Trust Fernando on this.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Hoki the Jokester 22 Dec - 20 Jan

      Gifts to buy for Hokians: gag-gifts
      Gifts to avoid: mint humbugs

      People know very well that Hokians like to play pranks and jokes on
      others at Hogswatch. Once, Fernando's cousin Mario put a wild
      polecat in a box, wrapped it in ribbons, addressed it to Auntie
      Rosa-Marie, and left it under the Hogswatch tree. (If there are any
      Hokians tempted to try this themselves, remember to leave airholes
      in the box. Trust Fernando on this.) But very few peoples are aware
      that Hokians also appreciate a good joke or gag-gift played on
      themselves. So this Hogswatch, it is a good time to get back on your
      Hokian friends and family for all the fake dog-doings, dribble
      glasses, anonymous letters to the Watch, and other pranks you've
      been putting up with for years. But the stars also give a warning on
      what to avoid: ever since the unfortunate ... accident ... on Lord
      Downey's birthday two years ago, neither the Assassin's Guild nor
      the Patrician have had any sense of humour whatsoever when it comes
      to mint humbugs.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      The Rather Large Gazunda 21 Jan - 18 Feb

      Gifts to buy for Gazundians: small household knicknacks
      Gifts to avoid: stick-and-bucket

      The stars tell Fernando that Gazundians love the small knicknacks.
      Fernando was confused when he cast this horoscope. My friends,
      despite Fernando's molto excellente Morporkian speaking, Morporkian
      is not his native language and some words are unknown to him.
      Fernando first thought that this was something like the ladies'
      undergarments, or perhaps something that the old mans do, like in
      the famous Morporkian song about the old man with the counting
      mania. But Fernando has now learned that the knicknacks are the
      small things to go around the house, like the plaster ducks on the
      wall, the gayly-painted cuckoo clocks, the small statues of Offler,
      or the little plaster gnomes holding a mug of beer. Fernando
      recommends the soup bowl in the shape of Great A'Tuin. Who would not
      love such a present?

      The stars say that this is not the auspicious time to give a stick-
      and-bucket as a gift, even if they are from Lancre. Especially if
      they are from Lancre. Fernando knows that there's more than enough
      of that Morris Dancing these days without encouraging it.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      Lesser Umbrage 19 Feb - 20 Mar

      Gifts to buy for Umbragians: tartan, looms, handicrafts kits
      Gifts to avoid: lockpicks, bagpipes, brass knuckles

      Umbragians love working with their hands, and as they say, many
      hands make light work, or in the case of the Nac Mac Feegle, many
      hands make light fingers. Fernando has consulted the stars and they
      say that the excellente gift for Umbragians is the makings for arts
      and crafts -- paints and canvas, modelling clay, coloured paper,
      jelly, or even one of those molto clever Make Your Own Lute sets for
      the budding troubadour. How their faces will light up when they
      receive these magnificent gifts! Fernando knows that the kindest
      thing for Umbragians is to keep them occupied, so their minds will
      not turn to the mischief. With a bit of luck, the right Hogswatch
      gifts will keep them out of trouble for the whole of the new year.

      %%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%%

      24) CLOSE

      And there we have it. The Year of the Pensive Hare closes, the Year
      of the Happy Goose opens, and may it bring good fortune to you all,
      or at least reasonably interesting times (though not *too*
      interesting). I'm off on my own holidays now, so we'll see you next
      year. Happy New Year, and remember, don't drink and fly!

      -- Annie Mac

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      End of Part 3.
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      Copyright (c) 2009 by Klatchian Foreign Legion
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